Do I stay or go??? Suspected AS Partner

[kerrybobs]

Hiya,

 

After Robyn had been diagnosed and after all the research, I realised that my partner shows all the signs of Aspergers.

 

He wont come to meetings with me or give any support for Robyn or anything else. Its as if he does'nt care and is a very cold person. He is very self centered and throws a tantrum if the kids get more attention than him, or cant get his own way. He gets angry over the slightest thing, He is very highly strung and can be verbally aggressive and hurtful to me and the children. He has been violent a few times mostly towards me, but he has hit out at the kids too. Then straight after his outbursts its as if nothing had happened and he cant understand why we have a cob on. We have a number of these outbursts (verbal) every day.

 

He finds it difficult to socialise and has no real friends, and resents me having mine. I cant sit and talk through any problems with him as he just flies off the handle. I cant have a laugh with him either, when we are in company and I am having a laugh he will be sitting there all smiles but when we are on are own he will tell me to f off and to grow up. Its either his way or the highway. He hardly shows any affection, even to the kids. The number of times he has pushed me away after me wanting a cuddle is too many to count, Ive given up now.

 

I have suffered with depression for a number of years ( I wonder why), and I have had a bad 6 months but am gradually getting better. I was that stressed, one time I was sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying hysterically and my mum came round and got the doctor out, I was given a tranquiliser. He just sat in the livingroom watching the tv, he has then proceeded to tell me there is nothing wrong with me and I should try coping with his worries. They are whether he has enough money for a bet, or what time the match is on or any other sport. All the responsibility is on my shoulders.

 

He wont sit in the same room with us and if he does the verbal starts. If the kids are watching something on the tv he will just walk in and grab the remote control and switch over. The kids hate being with him on their own as he shouts constantly. I came home from work a couple of weeks ago and Robyn had recorded him on her mobile, It was of him just shouting and screaming and swearing.

 

He wont do anything as a family and wont socialise with us, even to the point of me celebrating a couple of christmas's at my mums on my own as he has just announced on the last minute that he was'nt going.

 

His language is terrible he swears constantly and name calls all the time. Outside the house he is this lovely man who people think is the bees knees. No one sees what we put up with. He wont accept responsibility for anything. All the bills are in my name. He will sit and moan if there is no shopping, he will actually walk past the shop to go to his beloved betting shop and would not dream of picking up a loaf of bread. Then I will have to come in from work then have to go shopping whilst he lies on the couch watching the tele. He wont even mind any of the kids even Robyn who hates shopping and gets distressed. He tells me to take MY kids with me. We are always to blame for everything.

 

I have been with him for 15 years and it has always been this way, but to be honest everything is just highlighted now because of Robyns diagnosis. I suppose I have been niave in the sense that there was this part of me that hoped one day he would change, but now I know for definate he wont.

 

I have split up with him in the past but he always worms his way back in, he sort of stalks us and is nice for a day or 2 then will revert back.

 

I must be a coward as I cant muster up the courage to end this relationship half of me loves him whether its habit I dont know, and the other half of me hates him for making me & the kids so unhappy. My 13 year old actually said to me a few weeks ago that if I ever wanted to split up with her dad, that she would'nt blame me. She wants me to be happy.

 

We have a mortgage that is in both our names ( comes out of my bank account) and my main concern is that I will lose my house, I was homeless when I was younger and my home is my castle. I have had to fight for everything I have and I know its all material but I dont want to lose the lovely home I have now.

 

Im sorry to have gone on a bit but I just feel totally alone, with no support, love, laughter or affection.

 

We had a family therapist from cahms come to our house last week and he mentioned to him that he thinks he has Aspergers, the answer we got is that as he is 43 he has managed all these years without a diagnosis, so he did'nt feel there was any point in going for one now.

 

Thanks for reading my novel.

 

Kerry

[mbrown]

It's a shame to say run away- especially from someone that needs help(although that person is unwilling to get help himself)

 

I can't offer much in the way of advice except. Don't be a punchbag. If he hits you and the kids, no matter the provocation or his condition - that is criminal. You need to be away from this person. Stalking too is a crime and it is taken more seriously these days.

 

Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

 

You can't put a house and mortage before your children's safety.

 

Be strong, Be brave and act now. Don't wait for a 'next time'

 

Take care

Mike

Edited September 9, 2006 by mbrown

[CarolJ]

Hi Kerry first of all a big hug for you, cant find it on the smiley code list thingy - but there r a lot of similarities between your ex and mine, some aspects but my ex isnt aspergers or AS, hes's just a selfish *****. Also I think a lot of men generally have aspie traits because of societies condiitoning. Men r not supposed to show their feelings n stuff and generally find it more difficult to face things. Mostly it sounds as if your OH is in Denial of both himself and your situation.

 

His two faced actions of when u r alone and out if public suggest bi_polar personality traits. My ex was like this, every1s m8 people thought he was a great guy but in the home was nasty and controlling.

 

This is typical behaviour of an abuser hun, sorry to say.

 

I had to walk away from everything, house, possessions the life i once knew and started again from scratch. If I had stayed in that situation I would have ended up going mad and the effect it had on my kids was too high a price to pay.

 

Your OH sounds as if he needs you more than you think you need him, since you say u have responsibility for all or most of the financial aspects of the household.

 

My ex is helpless without me, he has drifted reached his own personal crisis and is now only coming back from it. And has learnt a valuable lesson.

 

My ex would say things like "If you left me noone would want you with ****ed up kids like that - so u got no choice". This is part of the mental abuse. It doesnt always have to be physical.

 

All I can say is rather than fighting your ex to face himself and life. You need to concentrate your energies on both you and your kids. The house is just a house, the things u have are just material things, if the home is filled with hatred and tension then its not really a home or a good environment to bring up any child.

 

I would ask you to take a good objective look at your life, which it sounds as if you already have - Taking account of the past - try to envisage the future. Can you see things getting better can you really carry on like this indefinitely? Its hard very very hard but life is full of tough choices and sometimes things have to be sacrified for what we feel is right. It takes a lot of guts and a lot of courage to give up on what we are comfortable and familiar with. The thought of being you your own can be terrifying.

 

From what you posted it seems you do most things anyway, what does your ex actually do for you apart from being a selfish pain in the bottom and upsetting the family? From your post u are virtually doing it all alone anyway.

 

As for the recording of him swearing at the kids thats alarming hun thats mental cruelty and where will it escalate too?

 

My ex blamed me n kids too, its called not taking responsibility - he doesnt sound as if he likes responsibility - my ex blames everyone and everything else - has an excuse for everything. Its never HIS FAULT!

 

I will finish by saying you have to make a choice - for your sake and the sake of your kids you have to do something.

 

Good luck and be strong - I have been there there is life after a split!

Edited September 9, 2006 by CarolJ

[TheNeil]

This is a toughie and a horrible situation but I can understand what you're saying as my wife walked out on me just recently and I can see it from the other side of the fence (as it were). That said, and I'm not judging or anything, he doesn't seem to be considering you and, AS or not, that's what marriage is all about. Yes being ASD makes it difficult to spot things and signs, and being sociable is often not an option...but that doesn't give anyone the right to be nasty or a control freak

 

We didn't socialise and I certainly didn't have friends but I didn't ever stop Mrs Neil from ever having interests and friends outside the home - in fact I encouraged it as I knew that she needed her own space. Yes I wanted to be with her all the time but I could understand that while I was happy to live within the same four walls all the time, she probably needed other things. If you really care for someone then you do things like this as their happiness should be paramount

 

What he's doing is not reasonable on any level (ASD or not). You mention betting, verbal abuse, being deliberately nasty to the kids etc. I'm sorry but as soon as you cross that line then you have to seriously think about walking away. I would ask if talking to him would help but, personally, I don't think it would

 

I'll cut to the chase: He's treating you like a doormat and he either needs to buck up his ideas or clear out. Saying that I can understand how difficult it would be to tell him that. Like you, my house is my little corner of safety and I was terrified of losing it (even though Mrs Neil was in the wrong, left me and we have no kids). I'm not a solicitor but maybe it would be useful if you went to see one (ideally using the 'free 30 minute consultation') to see what the legal standpoint is - I don't think you'd have a problem keeping the house but I'm not qualified to say and the law can be an <insert rude word here>. As CarolJ says though, if you have to lose your house then it is just a 'thing' and I get the impression that you'd put your kids before a 'thing' without a second thought

 

You have to ask yourself, would you prepared to stand by and watch a friend or relative put up with the kind of abuse you're getting or would you tell them to kick him out?

 

I know it seems like the worng time to say this but you keep strong and remember that everyone here is always willing to help and give you all the support we can <'>

[mossgrove]

Kerry

 

Violence in any relationship is unacceptable and has to stop. The fact that he has probable AS does not make violence acceptable. If he is unable to accept that what he is doing is wrong, and will not seek help, then it is hard to see how the relationship can continue.

 

CarolJ's post puts it all better than I ever could.

 

Simon

Edited September 9, 2006 by mossgrove

[Frangipani]

Oh Hun I swear you were talking all about my ex husband and we have been divorced now for 12 years

I agree with all the above, life should not be this way, you dont have to live this way, my ex still makes my skin crawl. I remember when he left I actually said to him the only thing I regret from all this is that he is the father of my children.

 

Today my daughter feels the same, my son is very forgiving but at times just shakes his head a what an arrogant p** he is.

 

Just keep believing in yourself that you can manage without him and the facade, you will one day look back and think thank God I am not living with that **** and his abuse anymore.

 

Sending you lots of cyberhugs <'> <'> <'> <'> have faith in yourself its hard at the moment but things will work for you, you just have to keep believing in you.

 

Take care <'>

Edited September 10, 2006 by Frangipani

[Melow]

There's only one recourse, you break off this relatonship, nobody should put up with violence, it's not acceptable to a child or a woman or a man for that matter..

[baddad]

Hi Kerry -

 

before saying anything else, I'd just like to re-iterate the following from sparkles' post:

 

Hi Kerry first of all a big hug for you, cant find it on the smiley code list thingy - but there r a lot of similarities between your ex and mine, some aspects but my ex isnt aspergers or AS, he's just a selfish *****.

 

There are all sorts of reasons why people might be controlling, manipulative, aggressive, bullying etc, and I don't think it's helpful in your situation to 'blame' those aspects of your partners nature on AS as robyn may well feel it justifies similar behaviours...

 

With regard to 'stay or go' you really are the only person who can make that decision; but whatever choice you make you DO need to consider that all of the evidence indicates that people with these personality traits WILL NOT change unless change is pushed upon them. At the moment these 'strategies' are far too successful to warrant change - and change is only likely to occur where either that 'success' is compromised, or where the negative personal implications of those behaviours are dramatically highlighted, or where the negative implications for others are recognised, appreciated and responded too. None of those things will happen unless you make them happen.

 

I suspect the 'My Way or Highway' attitude would crumble completely if you challenged it directly. The reason it doesn't work now is likely to be because the 'threat' is seen as an empty one...

On the other hand, if it is a GENUINE response - what's the point of being there anyway?

 

Very best with your situation. Hope you find a way forward soon...

 

L&P

 

BD

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> Kerrybobs <'> <'>

 

No real advice - it's a dreadful situation to have to face and I wouldn't feel qualified to give advice...

 

One thing stood out to me though - you say your partner is fine when not at home - a different personality - I would have thought that with AS then you would get a similar type of behaviour whether at home or away ... while he may have AS or traits of it it does seem to me to be more than that ...

 

Anyway <'> and from me to you

Eve

[madmooch]

Just to Echo what everyone else has said and to send lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> your way.

 

 

 

Be Strong <'>

Clare

[Bullet]

My honest opinion is that the man sounds like a violent bully. If it is his Aspergers contributing to it then he needs to find alternative ways of coping with what he perceives to be stressful situations. But I do not agree that all the blame for his behaviour can be laid at his possible diagnosis. I have almost certainly got Aspergers myself. I find a lot of situations very hard to deal with. Not once have I lashed out and hit my children or my husband. And I am more calm and relaxed at home and more likely to be withdrawn and stressed outside, but that may be just me.

You do not have to put up with his violence and bullying towards you.

Edited September 9, 2006 by Bullet

[smiley]

Kerry <'> <'> <'>

 

I have been through something very similar. I've PMd you.

 

Thinking of you xxx

[Suze]

<'> Hi Kerry, hope your doing alright today.I could,nt live in a relationship like that, I need to know I,m loved and cared about.I hate shouting and raised voices.............your situation would have finished me off ages ago.You sound very strong, your daughters deserve better.If he can,t or won,t try to address these issues you must get out of this relationship. <'> loads of hugs Suzex

[Karen A]

Kerry I have thought a lot today about what to say.I am very unusual in that due to a series of complex difficulties in my life a few years ago I suffered from complex mental health difficulties.As a result I failed to cope to the extent that I became controlling to a point where I was emotionaly abusive towards my OH.Although we have since found that I could have asperger traits it is not a major factor-as I am recovered to a point where people would have no idea.I only decided to shout for help when life got unmanageable.My OH is now surprised that he stayed.I also was very together outside of home and people who knew us did not know how things were.I did not get help until I got to the end of the road.I am now much improved after several years of therapy.It has been a long hard road and has only worked because I was comitted to working on things.I live with the knowledge that the situation impacted my children.My OH still struggles with the impact of what happened.I now no longer consider myself to be abusive and our marriage is ok.However I want to say partners can become abusive for lots of reasons but none of them are easy to sort out.An individual who decides to try can only change if they are comitted and prepared to put in long,painful hard work and they need to recognise they have a problem and take responsibility for it.If your OH is not willing to recognise that his behaviour is wrong you need to think about what is best for you and the children.Even if your OH decides to get help you would need to decide whether you want to stay through a long period of hard work.Also are the children safe in the situation they are in ?Are you having any more appointments with CAHMS ? I think it would be worth talking privately with the family therapist if you feel you can trust them.I know it is a difficult move.However family therapy could make things more difficult if it rocks the boat.The therapist needs to know how to manage things to keep you and the children safe.I don't think the Asperger issue is important-ASD or no ASD the behaviour is wrong even if it helps to explain the problem it does not make it OK for you and the children.Hope this is helpful..Some may feel this is personal stuff to post and that I could use pm.However I do not wish to make things difficult for you .There is nothing here that is not known by our CAHMS and people that know us.I hope this helps.I forgot to say I could also be abusive one minute and fine the next.At the time I did not recognise how obnoxious I was until I was challenged.Thinking of you Karen

Edited September 9, 2006 by Karen A

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Believe me I totally sympathise. My husband is exactly the same. He hasn't read anything on Autism, spoken to anyone, attended any meetings, asked any questions, etc. Guess it's far easier to sit on his backside and let me do everything! Strangely enough it was only in May just after our 4.5 year old son was diagnosed that I twigged that my husband shows all the signs of having AS as well. Strangely enough it was a specialist involved with us that made a comment which got me thinking. I'm certain now. My husand shares exactly the same traits as your partner. I've made numerous ultimatums that I'd rather he left than carry on the way he does. I know that he tries, but fact is, I don't think he can help himself. That said, there's a line drawn in my mind and if he crosses it he'll definitely be going. I do worry about what kind of example he is for our son. I've explained to him repeatedly that his behaviour isn't acceptable and how appalled I am. He shows no remorse at the time and usually blames everyone else except himself. It's only afterwards that he gets annoyed and says that he knows his behaviour is wrong. Trying isn't good enoug though, he actually has to change. I don't think there's any easy way out. I think if you've came to the point where his behaviour is affecting the children in a big way, then you really have to put them first. One way or another you'll manage the financial side of a split (because you have to!). I'm araid that I don't have any advice for you as such, other than to make sure that there's a line that he doesn't cross and if he does you've got your answer... I guess tiime will tell.

 

Best wishes. Hope everything works out for you.

 

Caroline.

[Tally]

I'm an adult with AS, and I can see that the way he's treating you and your children is wrong in so many ways. AS does not make you abusive, and even if he has it, that does not mean he cannot change. He seems to be choosing not to, but he won't while his behaviour is getting him exactly what he wants all the time. Even if he has mental health issues as well, this does not make it OK to treat you all so badly.

 

If your bank statements can show that you are the one paying all the bills and the mortgage, you have a good case for keeping your home. Ultimately though, what is more important; freedom from fear for you and your children, or keeping this particular house?

 

If you decide to split, you need to make it final. Tell him not to contact you. You can apply for legal papers preventing him from doing so. If you find the strength to separate, the last thing you need is him pressuring you to change your mind.

 

Have you told anyone in real life about your situation? Your parents might be supportive of you, and might be able to help financially. As you have depression, I hope you have a counsellor or psychologist - if not, please ask your GP to refer you to one - you are going to need all the support you can get after the long-term effect your husband's behaviour has had on you.

[Bagpuss]

Kerry <'>

 

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going thru.....whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you and your children. Have you thought of getting some legal advice, so you would know exactly where you stand should you decide to separate? Maybe it may put your mind at rest regarding the house etc and you will have the full facts before making a decision. A home can be made again though, for yourself and your children alone if thats what you decide upon, but you only get one life hun, and to spend it feeling so low and unhappy is such a shame. Take care x

[lil_me]

Kerry, really feel for you, I hope you work out what to do for the best. Might be worth seeking legal advice about the house etc aswell. Thinking of you <'>

[kerrybobs]

Hiya,

 

Im sorry I havent replied earlier, I have read and re read all your posts and have been trying to digest them all.

 

I have tried to pm back, but am having problems ( it keeps coming up that I am not able to).

 

I would like to say that I sincerely appreciate everyones kind words and thoughts on my situation.

 

To be honest, I feel a bit stunned that it has hit a nerve with a lot of people. Maybe I have just grown used to the way the relationship is.

 

I know I have to be strong and make the right choices for my girls, I think its because I havent been well and I am still not 100%, dealing with issues at home, in work, Robyn's diagnosis, Sophie(teenage stuff)& the baby and myself. It just feels like overload.

 

I have an appointment at the end of the month to start cognetive behaviour therapy, so I really hopes it helps. Im fed up with negativity and need to start making plans for mine and the kids future.

 

I will look into going to see a solicitor and find out what my rights are.

 

As for the AS I do believe he has it. I think the violence and verbal abuse is due to the fact that he finds it hard to communicate and he loses his temper. I am quite a social person, my job is dealing with hundreds of people everyday, I have lots of friends many from when I was growing up with & we stay in

touch. He is 10 years older than me but acts like one of my kids. My friends rarely come to my house as he makes them feel so uncomfortable.

 

As for AS behaviour being the same in most situations, Robyn is different at home than outside. Dont get me wrong there are times when she shows these behaviours but they are subtle to outsiders. She rarely shows aggression outside, it only seems to be when shes in her comfort zone. One thing that did strike me from one of the above posts is the Bi Polar, His mother suffers with this and has done for many years. His son (from a previous relationship) has just been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and depression and was hospitalised.

 

I know that no medical condition should be any excuse for physical and verbal abuse. I think I need a kick up the bum or a really good shake. I have lots to think about and act upon, its just getting my confidence up so that I can deal with things without setting me back (depression).

 

Once again Thank you for taking the time to advise, support and share your experiences with me.

 

It has warmed my heart to know there are people out there who care enough to do so.

 

Lots of Love

 

Kerry

[Mother in Need]

Kerry, sorry if this is a bit late, I have only just read about your situation. There are sooooo many similarities in my relationship with my ex, it is unbelievable. I decided that it had to come to an end, especially for the children't sake. I had been willing to put up with abuse towards myself longer, if this had been the right thing for the children. But it got to the point where the children were scared of him, and it really became time to tell him just where to go.

Since then life has been so much easier. Instead of having 3 children and a very difficult teenager (my ex) I now only have my 3 boys, there is security in the house, they have flourished and flowered and their behaviour as improved so much as the wrong example is no longer present. Suffice it to say, now 3 years later, the boys are still not comfortable around their father and won't be left alone with him.

For me and my children, it was the right decision, and I have not regretted asking him to leave ONCE.

It showed me how dead our relationship had become and how I could never lean on him, it was always the other way round, etc. Life has only become easier in that aspect.

 

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more, I don't check the boards that regularly as I can only do this when the boys are in bed and by then I am usually so knackered I go to bed soon after. But if you pm me we can email which is easier (if this is what you want ofcourse).

[Frangipani]

Hi Kerry,

 

 

Listen to that little voice inside Kerry it will tell you what to do. You are welcome to PM me also, if you need to vent or have a chat, or if you have some questions on moving on.

 

There are some good books around to help you with this process and talking with a counsellor that you like and trust, will help you get a firm footing on your life. It takes courage.

 

Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'>

 

xx

Edited September 16, 2006 by Frangipani

[kerrybobs]

Hiya,

 

Thanks for replying, I would very much like to pm all the people who already have and who have offered to chat but I am having problems being able to do so.

 

When I get back from work tomorrow I will look into it and hopefully get it sorted.

 

Many many thanks

 

Kerry

[Frangipani]

Hiya,

 

Thanks for replying, I would very much like to pm all the people who already have and who have offered to chat but I am having problems being able to do so.

 

When I get back from work tomorrow I will look into it and hopefully get it sorted.

 

Many many thanks

 

Kerry

 

Hi Kerry, If it is a technical problem, just post a message in the 'Techie section' some kind person will come along and help you. <'>

 

All the best

 

xx