connieruff

Hi, My son is 8 and he attends the local primary. academically he is a year behind his peers and he hates school. In class 2 he was bullied badly, the chidren laughed at him and generally took the mickey even when he was trying to work, they would do it behind thier hands so the teacher would not see and hear. But the teachers would have been uncaring anyway, as when I eventually found out they denied all knowledge, and they lied about what was going on, (long story). The bullying still goes on, we had a meltdown tonight, and he admitted that he hates school, he wants to die (he says this all the time) and says often the teacher will ask the class to pair up and get partners and he is left alone - no-one wants him, there are 27 in the class - and this really upsets him. he is never invited to any parties and he never is asked out by other children. he spends all holidays with no other childrens company. He says that when he tries to talk to the children they ignore him, even when he tugs at their jumper to get their attention. I think this is because one or two of the ringleaders have told the other children to ignore him. The whole school is dysfunctional, with a lot of bitching and bullying amongst the teachers as well. In fact there are 2 teachers off sick long term with stress through bullying by other teachers, and it is a small village school. We have multi disciplinary meetings but they are just a waste of time. I keep saying I'll give it another 6 months - I'll give it another 6 months - but now I feel I am being a cruel mother to keep sending him there. I feel that now enough is enough, he will crack up if I keep sending him at that school. He tries to throw himself down the stairs. But I work and am a single parent, and this school is on my doorstep. Its going to be difficult to drive him to another school and pick him up. If I suddenly stop sending him to school while I look around for another, what are the authorities likely to do? What help is available. I've tried CAHMS but they are just overworked and to be honest useless. Thanks.

Hi, This sounds very similar to my son who is now 7. My son in the last few months has turned the corner, and although he is still difficult, he is nowhere near as bad as he was. At one stage I was crying all of the time and thought .. well I had horrible thoughts to be honest. Can you try keeping your daughter away from nursery for a while? I think that this could be causing a lot of problems, my son was bullied at playgroup, even at the tender age of three, it took a wonderful reception/Class 1 teacher in the school to spot was was happening, when they eventually all moved to school. As he has matured, very very gradually he is becoming better and better at understanding his own behaviour and how he should react to situations. Yes it is very easy to give in when you are stressed, and short of time etc, but I think you should very gradually try to hit little milestones - one at a time, ie if she does not get the right breakfast cereal, and you find the dish whizzing past your head, then perhaps think about how you will deal with it beforehand and then carry it out. Maybe keep a diary of her behaviour and maybe what the triggers are. I agree with baddad up to a point in that you should keep very firm boundries, and be quite strict, this is something I did not do, but do now. Food has an awful lot to do with behaviour - and excercise, does she like swimming or the seaside? This is going to be hard for you, but I do hope it gets better CXX

I'm wondering if they could come to him? Would they do a home visit? Teenagers are a pain in the **se anyway, lovely one minute horrible the next, so your son is going to be difficult especially so with OCD/ASD. So a lot of it is going to be him being a typical teenager. I would list the things that are really important and try to talk to him about what you consider the greatest problem when he is calm and receptive. Say to him, if you had a son or a friend and he had these problems, what would YOU do? How would you help him? Or just say to him, next time the Xbox does not work properly, can you really TRY to be calm and not get anxious over it? Just use logic and reasoning, I dont think you can use any logic or reason when they are in a state so it has to be when they are reasonably calm. He might not appear to listen but some of it will sink in. I have heard Cognitive Therapy can be very helpful with OCD, has this been suggested? I think you can buy a book and try some of it yourself, the concept appears to be straightfoward and logical and you could get some tips and advice from the phychiatrist. (sorry can never spell that word). Does he not sleep? Is it because he gets no excercise as he's on the Xbox all the time? I had to get rid of the Xbox as it was causing so many problems, my son used to cry and sob if his car got wrecked or if it went wrong. World War 3 broke out when I told him it had gone back to the shop (ahem) but after a while he thank fully has forgotton about it. I'm not sure what sleeping tablets the doc will prescribe but when I did nights I took Temazapem and it worked for a while, but I found I had to take more and more to get to sleep, and I became very depressed and zombie like, I would never ever take them again. Good luck - it is awful, but you somehow get the strength from somewhere don't you?

You could always ask his teacher and TAs?

You could do something really cool. which no little girl would be able to turn down, and make sure you invite her friends as well as some boys, and make sure you speak to the parents not just send cards as you may not get replies back and there would be nothing worse than waiting for people to turn up. I would not tell your son too much up front just in case they let you down at the last moment, and make sure you have a really good back up plan. I have no faith in other parents at all, in my opinion they are the rudest most insensitive bunch of people I have ever had the misfortune to meet. They would not hesitate in letting your son down at the last moment, so be preapred. Sorry I sound cynical but there it is. Good luck and let us know how you get on. I invited the whole class (not to my house I hasten to add) and it went well. I also asked for a day off school for him the day after the party and took him out with family, and let him choose what he did. (My back up plan in case there were any let downs the day before) Cxx

Thanks for the replies, I suppose I should also correct the files the LEA have on him now. Its not so much that she has reached the wrong conclusion but the text reads like she is sarcastic, in one section she has said ''His mother has said that he refuses to learn spellings, read or do homework at home and has expressed surprise that he is behind in class '' This comes across as sarcastic and it is also wrong, as I do lots of homework with him. I actually do 15 minutes every night. There was a time when he was extremely upset and having meltdowns (when he was being bullied) and if I tried to get him to do anything he would cry and headbang. But she has put here that he also refuses to read, which he has never stopped doing. In actual fact the SENCO has never once called me in for a chat or talked to me - the only time she talks to me is in multi dis meetings. Thanks for your help. Cxx

I agree totally, mainstream is not the place for ASD children. The teachers have to be very experienced and kind and patient to help ASD children in school. My friend exploded with rage the other day as she said that her lovely girl, who she had brought up with all the love in the world had to endure all of the horrible brats who come from horrible dysfunctional familes and because she has learning difficulties is an easy target for these sad angry children who bullied her so much she had to take her out of school. Why should our children have to endure these children? And why are schools so pathetic at stopping our children being targeted?

Hi, I received my letter from the LEA turning down my request for a SA. Surprise surprise. (the school had already told me they would not support it.) However I had already decided that I will not appeal, as my son is catching up and is more settled now that the school have dealt with the bullying. I got the pack from the LEA and in there they had put the SENCO written report, in it she said that (in the Background part) that I am a 'single mother and that my sons have a different father to my ASD son'. And then goes on to say that ''Mrs X has reported that the paternal grandmother has a history of mental illness...' now I have mentioned this to the doctor but my ex's mother has OCD but it has never been diagnosed. What the hell is she doing writing stuff like that in this report? If I had a series of violent partners over the years which has badly affected my son I would expect this to be mentioned I suppose, but I have not had a relationship since I split up from my sons father. She has virtually blamed my sons problems on an imagined suicide attempt by my eldest son (he in fact had a bad reaction to anti diarrhea tablets) but she has grasped this 'incident ' and run with it. I have told her this is not right but she saw fit to put it in this report. I was so angry that I have not slept since I read this. She has also brushed over the bullying and has said that ' there is no evidence to suggest that bullying has ever taken place and that a child who was said to be bullying my son now goes out with us every weekend' - absolute rubbish. She has also ticked the wrong box - and so has him down as physically aggressive and cruel, which he isnt. I obviously can't write the whole lot out for you but I showed it to a friend (a teacher) and she said basically the SENCO has tried to make you out as a neurotic slapper who can't be bothered to get him to do his homework, and you have a dysfunctional family and its no wonder my son has problems. Oh and another thing SENCO did, she did not black out all of the names of the other children and so I know where each child in the class is and who has emotional difficulties and who is a cause for concern etc ect, really confidential stuff. Would you not have though that the LEA would have noticed this and done something about it? Talk about unprofessional!!! I'm wondering what to do about all of this...I have to bear in mind this SENCO will eventually be my sons teacher. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! Why can't life be easy!??

IT, web design, film making, set design, acting - architecture? Anything that needs close attention to detail such as an auditor....sciency stuff

I am old and ugly enough now to avoid anyone who constantly makes me feel bad about my self or my family. I avoid situations that make me feel more stressed than I already am, one of these is shopping with my asd son. The only time I go shopping with him is if he has done really well at school, then I get up early with him, go to town, buy him a toy, and out again. You say Piers is a poor shopper, he hates it, and so dont take him unless you have to. I do Tesco on line. Perhaps go to the wedding but do not take your son, he wont enjoy it anyway. Having said that you are letting these people make you sad by having contact with them. You can choose to walk away. There does not need to be an almighty row, just distance yourself gradually, give them the odd phone call, be nice, don't badmouth them to anyone (it always gets back) but dont let yourself or your childen any contact with anyone who makes you or them feel bad. That includes any member of your family or friends. Sounds like you are a wonderful mum, and are being brought down by these awful people. Its hard enough for teachers to accept ASD - so I dont even try to explain my son to some people, I just avoid people who I know are ignorant and nasty.

Hi, I should add that it is not 'death' bit so much its the old graveyards and churches - he draws them a lot and for a long time his favourite DVD was The Nightmare before Christmas' he has a sunny enough nature except for the occasional explosion here and there, I have just accepted it as 'him' and have just let it fizzle out by itself. The person who told me that it 'quite common' was at a meeting at the local school for ASD parents. Yes Mumble my son likes graveyards and churches, he is interested in the ages of them. He looked at a modern (tin) church the other day and dismissed it as not a'real' church as it was not ancient. Cheers, C

Hi, I had been told that being fixated with macabre stuff was a typical ASD trait, my son is gradually stopping this fixation - it is not linked to depression its just a quirk he has. Is this something other people have experienced? And is it documented in any scientific literature about ASD? Long story about the reason for me asking, will post fully later on. Cheers everyone, C.

Hi, I was talking to some people at work about a child at my sons school, and they said that I should report the father to the authorities. It is more bullying and emotional abuse - has anyone any reported their concerns to social services? How is it handled? The father is very volatile and he frightens me. The boy is going to see his mother who lives in France next week for half term. I'm unsure what to do. C

Hi, I had asked the LEA for an assessment as my son was a year behind his peers, I was told by his teacher that he needs constant one to one and he would get no help in Class 3 in September. The school said they cannot afford to support a statement as they did not get any additional funding. The school have now received the forms and they have sent them back, on the same day I received a letter form SENCO to say that my son is showing considerable signs of improvement, and he is now more settled in class etc etc. Now the bullying has stopped (fingers crossed) and I am helping much more at home with his schoolwork, he does seem more settled, and seems to be getting on better - but I'm not sure if this is going to continue. Should I be suspicious? When do the results of the SATS come out and do the school get to see my written application for the request for assessment?

I find this quite upsetting, when a child exhibits such a strong reaction to school, like biting and vomiting, this can only mean they are under severe stress. What on earth is going on in these schools? I would be tempted to ask to help out in the classroom, or help out at lunchtimes. Also now the summer holidays are coming up see how you get on with the schooling at home. In my experience bullying goes on under the teachers nose day in and day out and they don't notice. The bullying started for my son at playgroup, and was noticed by the experienced lovely Class 1 teacher when they started school, and she said it was quite bad. It restarted in Class 2. C

Is your child able to chew gum , my dentist said a certain type of chewing gum can help with plaque build up. The only other thing is not to give your child anything that can cause tooth decay. I used to clean my sons teeth at night while he was asleep, I was at my wits end. now he's OK with it, I think he thought the louder he shouted and banged his head on the wall, the more I would back down, but I just got fed up in the end and said - right we can stay here all night, and we did almost - the next night he was OK.

I decided to stop my 7 year old using his brothers Xbox, as he was becoming fixated with it, and crying and shouting at the screen. I found that I was using it as a babysitter as well, I am ashamed to say. I decided to tell him it was 'broken' and took away the cables. When I found he could not hold a pencil properly as his hand was cramped, I thought enough is enough. After the first tantrum, and crying he soon got back to his usual toys. Occasionally he asks 'has it been fixed yet? Now I have my son back, and also as the weather improves I think they should be outside playing. Its the best thing I could have done.

Hi My son has 2 friends, one of them a very recent one, who helped him when he was being bullied. I'll call them Jack and Peter. Jacks dad I've known for a while, he is a big, rude, loud bully and I endure him because his son is a very good friend of my son. Hardly anyone talks to him any more as he has upset so many people. Peters mum is a single mum with a new baby, in a new relationship. Last week I took all three boys out for a lovely day out, they had a good time, but Peter bit Jack on the arm. Peter has a bit of a temper and I tried to stop it but as I was driving there was not much I could do. I asked Jack if he was OK, and he said yes he was fine. When we got to the end of the day I took them into some woods and they were really having a good time. The father of Jack came over to pick us up and we all walked together in the woods for the last half hour. However, Jacks dad started to swear, in front of the children, and before I could say something, he said to Peter You mum gets her 'boobs' out to ge a rich man' (I've changed the words a bit) I could not believe what I was hearing - and before I could say anything, Jack said 'yes dad and her go to bed together, I've seen you! ' I was so upset, I went back to the car and Jacks dad found out about the bite and continued to rant and rave at Peter, I took them home and told Peters mum about it, and she said Jacks dad was often horrible to her son and she has decided to stop them seeing each other. Although she continues to see Jacks dad. However as a result Peters mum and Jacks dad had a row with a lot of emails flyng about. Now both of them are blaming and I have had several really nasty emails sent to me and I have come to the conclusion that what has happened is they were having some sort of affair and I have stepped into what is a lovers tiff. Now my son has no friends at school at all to play with, he really liked both boys, and I feel so sorry for them. Peter never used to go anywhere, but play on his playstation, he was really enjoying his days out with me and my son, his mum has never let his own father see him, she says he's unstable so Peter has no contact at all.

My friend home educates her year 7 son, and it works well, she is happy, her son is happy. Look into it.

Skye, I'm in a similar position to you, I'm looking for another school, and if I cant find one then I will have to think long and hard about HE. also the school my son is at at the moment is trying to squeeze me out. I You saying some children say Hi in a loud voice and that one of the little girls says she wants to be friends with your little girl? That rung a bell, as a few months ago one of the boys said to me' I want Toby to come to my party' and I thought wow things are looking up! Little did I know that this little boy was the main culprit in the sustained bullying that my son was having to endure. I think it was guilt that made him say it to me, also make sure the other kids dont get their entertainment from your daughter getting meltdowns - whch was happening to my son, they were encouraging him to do and say things and the meltdowns were the result of the bullying. Why is she having meltdowns? To me that suggests that she has become very upset and stressed? Why? What has happened? I think during the summer holidays you need to try out the home schooling yourself, see how easy she is to teach, how does she respond? Do you enjoy it - or do you not enjoy it? Is he happier during the summer holidays? Look at other schools, which specialise in ASD. A mainstream school may have the best teachers in the world but the parents and the other children can be the problem. And if the teachers are not good either... Perhaps someone can answer this - when you get the statement, does that mean that you get some extra help if you HE? Anyway good luck Cx

Hi, My friends daughter has a Aspergers son, they have moved down to Kent and are looking for a school. He is 8 and has just been diagnosed. I would say he is of average ability. Any help appreciated. C

army

Well done! Good for you! All the best Cxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, Yep can really sympathise here! Some parents are frightening. But having said that, really think about this, would your daughter actually enjoy the party? I actually withdrew from the other parents when I was at my lowest, and to be honest I was sometimes glad to be on the outside, they are very competitive, bitchy, backbiting with a few are not talking to another few, with two or three opposing 'gangs' in their little huddles. If you think your daughter is unhappy - have you ever watched her in the playground, when she doesnt know you are there? See if she is playing with anyone, if she is enjoying herself. I contemplated home education, and joined a group which met up in my area, they seemed a jolly bunch, and arranged days out and educational trips ect. I was told to think about it long and hard, keep a diary, if you still think like this in say 6 months time, then maybe it would work for you and your daughter. I get upset when my son is the only one not invited, even when I invite the whole class, he doesn't get invited back. What can you do? Just make sure that you do something really good on the day of the party, give her a real treat. Ask her what she really wants to do. Pony riding? She would probably enjoy something like that than go to a party. Some parents are monsters. I despair of the human race sometimes, I love that quote from Bill gates - I'll remember that one.

Hi, Would I be right in thinking that the delving into the childs learning ability and their problems and the way the school teach (good or bad) comes under great scrutiny during a SA? I'm thinking that if we are lucky and the SA goes ahead it will highlight the schools many failings, in the way they handle special needs, and the bad teaching methods, - I have not mentioned the present teachers appalling teaching style and the way she has dealt with my son in my request, because I was warned not to when requesting an assesment, but would I be right in thinking that even if we dont get a statement - the school will have to pull their socks up as a result of any findings by the SA? Thanks, C x