dee23

Hi trekster We are in North Somerset and i contacted NAS regarding diagnosis for my partner. The only NHS place they sent me details of was the Southampton Autism Research Centre (i think thats how the name is worded). They also sent me details of only one private diagnostician, but we want to avoid that if possible. Happily my partners GP is sympathetic (after finally reading the whole of my partners medical records, which itself only happened after a period of suicidal feelings and behaviour earlier this year, when the police and ambulance had to be called more than once.......but at least he finally read them, and saw a distinct pattern going back to childhood), and we are now waiting while the GP goes through the process of trying to make an out of area referral. My partner has not read his own medical records, but is currently working up the confidence to ask to see them, and then read them. Would that help your friend who has no-one who can give information about childhood? I realise it could be difficult, and someone could perhaps see things on their records that they would rather not, so of course it may not be appropriate for your friend, but it may be something to think about.

Hi there Nats mum (and Nat of course) What a brave first post <'> it is hard to be so honest and vulnerable like that. You sound like an interesting person; my partner, who is currently awaiting assessment, often lives in a quite remote setting for his work (when he is not lurking around eating me out of house and home ), its always nice to go and visit him there. I will look forward to "seeing" more of you around the forum

Tally you actually shocked me with that.... and that is not easy to do!

Hi Jb <'> I am afraid i can not offer constructive advice, as i have never had to deal with self harm in my child - i have experienced my partner self-harm, due to massive anxiety and panic, and can barely imagine what you must go through seeing your child do the same <'> I wanted to say that reading your post, you do not seem a c*** mum to me - you seem like a brave and resourceful mum, who is trying to cope with a very difficult situation by trying to find and deal with the reasons for your DDs behaviour, instead of turning the behaviour itself into a battleground. This is a far from easy approach for you to take, and you have my utmost respect, as a fellow parent, but also as someone who had a very stormy time through adolescence, and could have done with someone, anyone, who was prepared to see beyond the outward "challenging" behaviour, to the real girl underneath..... Please try not to feel guilty, you are doing your best. love D X <'> <'>

Hi Matt My partner is 34 and currently seeking assessment for AS. Like you, he has been learning about AS, throughout this year, and is now beginning to come to terms with the possibility. He too saw so much of himself, when reading lists of traits and reading peoples stories etc. He described it as a chink of light in his life for the first time. There is a real change starting to show in him now; he struggled at first, and felt like a "fraud" for not having a dx, but now he is starting to accept it, and learning coping strategies and recognising his behaviour. He is lucky enough to have a sympathetic GP, as you also seem to, who is currently trying to arrange a refferal for him. Diagnosis has always been very important to him. He feels his behaviour has damaged relationships in the past, both personal and professional, and i think he would feel able to forgive himself some of this if he had a diagnosis. Also, to perhaps explain himself better to some people. He doesn't feel able to do that very much without a formal dx, although i don't know whether that will change with time. He has also been on and off anti-depressants for some years, also other meds such as mood stabilisers, although is coping without at present. Anxiety has always been one of the biggest difficulties he has faced in life, he has a book, called Aspergers and Anxiety by Nick Dubin, that i think has helped him (from Amazon). Tony Attwoods Complete Guide to Aspergers has also been an enormous help, for both of us. We are in the south west too, although further north than you, in North Somerset. If i come across anything local to you that might be of interest/help i will let you know. It is nice to "meet" you on the forum, and wonderful to hear you are finally finding some understanding of yourself. Best of luck to you and your family. D

Setting up your own account so that you can become a friend of his is a good idea, it's what i did with my DD, as i was also never bothered with FB myself and therefore had no idea what actually went on, so was prone to imagining all sorts..... You don't have to actually do anything, you can just have a blank page. Be warned though - i now have a profile, photos, comments etc etc, all courtesy of her, and her friends who became my friends too . I actually now think that it can be a really nice way for them to keep in touch (with the usual supervision/guidance of course). She also goes to an out of area school, so doesnt see her friends as much as she otherwise would. To be honest, i think for her it is no different to the way i would have been on the phone to someone i had just spent the day at school or an evening out with, at that age. As regards internet dangers, i would rather she did all this whilst young, under my supervision etc, rather than me trying to shield her from it for as long as possible (tempting as that is!), and her being more out of her depth at an age when she is less likely to listen to me, if you see what i mean.

I think i have read the stuff you are referring to, where Neurotypicality is written about as though it is a disorder, with set traits and a prognosis for future progress etc. Earlier this year i was reading a lot about AS, with regard to someone close to me, and lately i have been reading up about another health issue that has affected a member of my family. A lot of this information, especially the stuff that seems to jump to the top of internet searches, is presented as lists of traits and behaviours, and from that point of view i found it interesting to read an account of being neurotypical presented in that way. It certainly gave me food for thought at the time, with regard to how it could feel to be on the recieving end of such a list, if you see what i mean. I didn't for one moment take it seriously, rather i took it as a spoof (although one which did go to something of an extreme), and now i feel rather flippant! The responses to it in this thread have been very interesting, and have given me yet more food for thought, which often seems to be the way with this site (and that is most definately a compliment......)

I have to say i'm tempted, the last one you all had seemed such fun. I am rather shy though - meeting new people is quite hard, if i commit i will be a bundle of nerves from the moment i hit "Add Reply" It is also more tempting now that someone else has said they will not be skating...... although i have no plausible excuse, just cowardice I will have to think about this

I would agree with frogslegs, honesty is probably the best policy, even though it probably feels like the most difficult option. You don't have to go into details about how you feel, or why you might feel that way. The word "shy" covers an awful lot of social difficulties, and will be one that they should hopefully be able to understand and sympathise with. On the subject of the guys you are living with - and my apologies in advance here to any males who may read this and feel stung! - they may just not know how to approach you. If they are "following your lead" this may explain your feeling of being "copied". Men are not always the best communicators, especially with women, and if you appear unsure and uncomfortable around them they might well be scared of saying the "wrong thing", and end up saying nothing. Taking up the two sofas is just boorish behaviour that they may well not even realise they are doing (like guys who sit on crowded buses/trains with legs wide apart - a particularly annoying trait!), and the "wooos" when you are ready to go out might well be compliments in their minds. I know this does not make it any easier for you on the recieving end, but it might help if you are able to take it less personally. Hope all that makes sense, and again, apologies to male readers (although a male perspective on "typical male" behaviour might be helpful - although potentially dangerous territory i know ), and i am also not trying to imply that the situation would automatically be easier in a house full of women.... Sharing can be hard work anyway though. I share with a friend (both early 40s) and my teenage daughter, with respective partners often hanging around the place, so i do sympathise. Best wishes <'>

You want wood pigeon, rather than town pigeon. Squirrel is quite nice too.....

Hi Karen What a lot you both have on your plate <'> . My non-SEN DD had a cast on her arm for about 6 wks in yr 8, and she had to make lots of adjustments. Her school uniform is polo shirt anyway so luckily that was not one of them. It sounds like Ben is working really hard to cope - big congratulations to him for that. I am not surprised you feel anxious about secondary school anyway, and the broken arm and the mugging will of course make that worse. I am pretty appalled at your counsellor actually; you sound very self-aware about the things that make you anxious, but events like the mugging, happening while Ben has a broken arm and you are both getting used to such a new travel routine, will get the better of the most sorted person, let alone someone who has your past experiences, iyswim. Your anxiety is natural and it does not sound to me like you are acting on it, eg not sending Ben to school until his arm has healed, but i am sure you do not need me to tell you that anxiety needs to be voiced and brought in to the open. It is when it is denied and people try to struggle on without acknowledging it that it becomes a much bigger problem. It is a shame your counsellor could not have helped and supported you in doing this. If its any consolation i would struggle with having to let my nearly 15 year old do that journey, and i had huge worries when she first got a mobile, probably at about Bens age, so that she could contact me when she was travelling to and from school if needed. She used to use a packed commuter train and hated it too. I still get calls now when she has missed the train, and even though she is quite happy and able to wait 30 mins for the next one, it is so good just to know where they are and why when that happens. Sorry i have no advice, but i just wanted to wish you both luck, and tell you i think you are both doing a brilliant job coping with all this <'> Dee X

I also put on weight when on the citalopram, as did OH. I don't have any personal experience of other anti-ds, although OH has also taken fluoxitine for a while. I thought he was great to be around whilst on it, very calm and considered, but again he felt flat and tired, so it maybe how his mind/body reacts to certain meds. When he finally stopped taking anything, a month or so ago, he announced one evening that he felt tired, and that it was "proper tired", from being busy and working hard. He was really happy, said he hadn't felt like that in ages.

Thanks for your input steve. He was on anti depressants, been on them on and off for a good few years. He's off everything at the moment, and seems pretty ok. It's interesting that you say you felt the reading made you feel worse. I think he went through that for a while. I've never seen him as bad as he was earlier this year (known him 13 yrs), and that was after he started reading about AS. There were other pressures too, but something was definately different. He seems to have come out the other side of it all now. He's still anxious and edgy a lot of the time, but he is trying to cope with it differently, in line with stuff he has been reading, and it seems to be working for him, fingers crossed. Never heard anyone mention Aconite for anxiety before, thats interesting, thanks.

Hmmmm.... it strikes again. I used that site for a short time when myself and OH began to look into the possibility of him having AS, and you are right about the negative advice. It got quite under my skin for a little while, made me feel pretty hopeless. OH is now waiting to hear from the GP, who has agreed to refer him for assessment, after a very rocky road this year..... He suffers with terrible anxiety, it was causing suicidal feelings and behaviour earlier this year, which is what finally made the doctor sit up and take notice. I found a book on Amazon, called Aspergers and Anxiety, by Nick Dubin (i think thats his name). We bought it, and OH has been reading it and says it has been useful. I read a little bit but then he squirreled it away to read in private! We have also both been reading Tony Attwoods Complete Guide... and have found that very helpful. The last line of your post was very philosophical and positive - good for you!

My OH, who has severe anxiety, has been on and off citalopram for the last few years. It seemed to work better in the early years, and i definately noticed an improvement in the anxiety, from the outside, iyswim. His biggest complaint about it, however, became that it made him "flat", and he felt tired and lethargic a lot. He has also briefly tried mood stabilisers, and at the moment is med free and fairly ok, fingers crossed. I was also, coincidentally, prescribed citalopram a few years ago, for reactive depression. Myself and DD had to move house twice in a year and then i lost my job. I was just sitting in the chair bursting into tears and feeling hopeless and helpless. I found the citalopram had an effect within the first month, i felt so much better, I could understand what my OH meant by feeling flat, but at the time that was a huge improvement for me. I have never suffered with anxiety however, so cannot comment from experience, except to say that i also messed up my prescription once. After a week or so i was still feeling fine with no meds, and had been feeling ready to come off them anyway, so i decided i was officially off meds. Then the withdrawal symptoms started, and it was dreadful. I was shaky, panicking, terrified. I went back on them and then weaned off slowly when i had settled again. If that was a taste of anxiety then i truly feel for anyone who has to cope with it all the time.

Hi Zakkala I have been reading your thread with great interest, and wanted to wish you luck with your assessment. On the subject of management, from the employees perspective what i have always wanted from my management is for them to concentrate on management! I once worked under someone who was impossibly emotional, her decisions were based entirely on what she thought would make the other person happy, or on what she could emotionally cope with. She handled the referrals to my adult education groups, so i would get completely unsuitable people, or people on a completely unsuitable course, because they had asked and she couldn't say "no". She also got very bogged down in the personal problems of my assisstant, and therefore couldn't, and wouldn't, support me when i had difficulties with his behavior at work. I think some of the advice you have had regarding questions to ask of people at work to appear more personal has been very good. There will always be people under you who will expect more, but that is more the fault of their expectations in my opinion. You are not there to be their friend after all! Anyway, good luck with the assessment, and with the change in job, if it happens. It does sound like it would be ideal.

<'> <'> <'> That was a lovely post Hairspray Queen! And i'm so glad i redeemed myself, i genuinely had started to worry . I remembered back to how i felt when i was reading and posting a lot about relationship stuff, and it does become all consuming scarily quickly. I vividly remember the phrase "get out now, while you still can" being used on the forum a lot, particularly to new members. It is such a point of vulnerability too, to join a forum and talk about this stuff for the first time, especially when you actually can identify with some of what people are saying. Hang on to feeling defiant too, that is a darn good way to feel! You keep saying you and your bf are being "open and honest" - you really can't do better than that hun. Thats one thing alex and i have mostly always managed to do, it's something i have always appreciated about him, right from the beginning. I'm fairly certain that in 13 years he hasn't lied to me, i don't actually think he knows how, he doesn't even tell "little white lies". That does mean he is prone to saying anything that goes through his head, which means i have often heard things that tend to be hidden in most relationships, but i have come to prize his openess. He is also not remotely possessive, not jealous or insecure of male friends, which i also hugely appreciate (and is an example i have learnt to follow....). I have had some terrible times with him, as he has had far worse times with himself, if you see what i mean, but i also know this relationship would be a very hard act to follow for anyone else in my life. I have been quite profoundly changed by being with him, but in my opinion it is very much for the better. I'm no saint here.... we had a lovely day together yesterday, then today was a little rough - some anxiety over stuff that would go unnoticed in most households, and i do struggle with that now. I mean, i don't go aggravating the situation obviously, that would just be cruel and stupid. But nor do i waft around spreading calm and soothing his fevered brow, not after this many years of it anyway! That is our particular vicious circle at the moment. He is on the waiting list for his gp counsellor, he saw her about 5 years ago, and she is the one professional in his life that he has been able to trust, and therefore get some benefit from. So we both have quite high hopes about that, for our different reasons. Message me anytime hun, g'night <'> Dee X

I think i need to see my doctor though, going by those criteria i am actually not a woman after all! Maybe i've really been a blerk all this time Thats why i never get invited on girlie nights out..... It's all falling in to place I do think you are onto something Bid, but i can't possibly answer in 45 minutes..... Takes me that long to write an average post. Discrimination against the Compulsive Over-Analyser that is

Hi baddad, my remark about HQ being 24 was more to do with how she may express herself than any niavety in how she feels, and my "here i go again" remark was precisely because i too feel i could easily be patronising her by mentioning her age all the time! I actually agreed with you in finding the original comments you highlighted patronising, but, looking back to myself as a younger woman, i did feel it was the expression that was largely responsible for that, which is why i posted about it. I am not a man, though, so the comments obviously had less personal impact for me. I spoke to my boss about AS. He used to be a senior social worker, and i wondered if he could help us. One of the things that he was careful to say to me early on was about how it could be all too easy to see "typical male" behaviour in AS, or even to see AS itself as typical male behaviour taken to extremes. You are not being oversensitive. On the subject of men and women, i see no equality in the fact that men are now routinely portrayed as stereotypes, ie, in advertising, particularly for cleaning products, men are usually shown as a bit thick and/or lazy. I hate this, and so does my brother. You are absolutely right to point out that such sweeping generalisations about women would just not be allowed, and this makes me angry. I think there are some very serious issues that our society faces with regard to the loss of traditional male roles and the loss of traditionally male industries. I actually don't think of my partner as a typical male, i never have, even though he has at times behaved in ways that would definately be percieved as thoughtless and thuggish, to say the least. I have also always found him to be a better communicator than a lot of people i know, and more emotionally honest - his communication and expression of that emotion has always just been different. Often very difficult, for him and those around him, but just different, and i also never felt he "didn't feel". I did however, get briefly swept up in the AS/NT relationship world, and not in a good way, and i can all too easily see how blaming AS is becoming, as you say, a way of accommodating certain beliefs about men and relationships. My partner has talked lately of how he has since childhood found it difficult to understand people, especially sarcasm and stuff, how he would take people literally, and that he has taught himself, from a young age, not to do that or to hide it. I had genuinely never noticed that in him, it was one of the AS traits that i thought was not in him at first and it did make me wonder if he didn't have AS after all, but now he mentions it when it happens or brings up instances from the past. This, among other things, has led me to ask him how he has "put up with" me all these years, as i can be a highly sarcastic person (it was the one trait my dad seemed to admire, and therefore to encourage in his children - except he called it dry humour! ). To your comment that neither men or women are intrinsically right, just different, i would add that the neuro typical way of being is also not intrinsically right, (and that is something i have felt for a long time, long before AS and this whole relationship issue entered my life), just as AS is not intrinsically wrong. I read something, i think on the site called Wrong Planet. Someone had basically written a set of diagnostic criteria for being neuro typical. It is worded just like a lot of the clinical things you would find about AS, and gives advice to parents who are afraid their children may be NT etc. It is one of the funniest things i have ever read, but also quite chilling. I was reading about myself as a case study, basically, my behaviour and personality pinned down to some basic traits, not all of which i shared, and not all of which i did or felt all the time. I will try and find the link, and i always meant to print off a copy as i think all NTs should read it. I am sure it is a feeling those of you with AS are familiar with, and any other illness/disorder/syndrome for that matter. It also highlighted how horrible a lot of what passes for "normal" behaviour actually is: the casual deciet, judging others, obsession with appearances and conformity, even the sarcasm . Back to HQ. I actually logged on this morning to apologise for harping on about her age, i've been thinking about it and i do feel i have patronised her. I am projecting too many of the mistakes i feel i made at her age onto her, like staying in a relationship that probably took too much hard work, and concentrating too much on the relationship (and the business we ran together, more to the point), rather than having my own separate life, which HQ has already said she does not do. It has also made me uncomfortable looking back like that because that was the relationship that produced my daughter, so if i got the chance to go back and do it all again i wouldn't change a thing anyway. I have given myself a mental slap on the wrist overnight HQ, and i am sorry, i definately do not think you are immature - you wouldn't be here for a start if you were.

(NT?? ) LOVE the use of question marks there!!!

ooh hun you remind me of me I am glad i'm not young anymore i'm a much more sage old bird now, don't think half as much as i used to!!! (Oh and i edited out my comment about work - I went away and started feeling it sounded ###### rude! It's nobody elses fault it takes me so long to write my posts.....! ) I have to say, i am also very uncomfortable with the AS/NT relationship "business", (and it is nearly all centred around AS men and NT women). It sounds, Hairspray Queen, that you took a similar route to me in your learning about AS. I think we have both looked at the same relationship forums, and i think it is to your credit that you have kept looking and ended up here, you will find much more balanced opinions and advice. If someone is feeling unhappy, confused, unsure how to go forward in life and they find something that resonates with them, the natural thing is to dive right in and embrace it, whether it be a book, a forum, a theory. I went rapidly through a lot of those stages when i began to learn about AS, and part of that was looking at Maxine Astons work and theorys. I never went on a workshop, but we did think about paying for private assessment from her. That was when i was identifying very heavily with her theorys and placing a lot of store on the characteristics of our relationship being symptomatic of AS. Bluntly, i'm glad i got over myself, and quick. If, as does seem very likely, alex does have AS, it is him who has it and has to deal with it daily, not me. I may have to deal with him, but not with AS, if you see what i mean. I don't aim that comment at you personally HQ, it is just where i am at now with things. I am glad i stopped using certain forums, and didn't get drawn in to negativity. I think a lot of the relationship stuff that is around now represents a stage in understanding, which i hope will be passed through and moved on from, rather than becoming accepted psychological theory. Back in the sixties the psychiatrist RD Laing was developing his theories about schizophrenia, and spent a lot of time analysing family dynamics. From this he came up with the theory of the schizophrenogenic family, and more specifically - mother. Basically saying that mothering and family dynamics are responsible for schizophrenia. That became a wildly popular model of that illness for a while, causing, as is easy to imagine, some enormous harm to familys and mothers. I find Laing and his theories fascinating, and he did try to reach out to his patients in a way that had never been done before, but his theories have since been pretty discredited. It is accepted that there are much more subtle and complex reasons for mental ill health, and that genetics, environment and chemical factors all have their role. (bear with me - not calling AS a mental illness....) What has made me think of that is that i recently came across the term "aspergated", to describe how someones AS will dominate a relationship/family, and skew the whole dynamic towards AS traits. I unfortunately can't remember where i read that, and i have no idea how that is percieved in the medical world - but that whole attitude in the "relationship business" reminds me of Laing. And as i said, i hope its a phase, and that in future the idea that there is intrinsic dysfunction in an AS/NT relationship because of the AS will also be discredited. If i were involved with a frenchman, but didn't realise, and kept speaking italian, we would have huge communication difficultys and probably both end up pretty lonely.... Is that a fair way of looking at this. Upon discovering he was french, however, and speaking the correct language, we would suddenly find a whole lot of common ground - or find we were actually really unsuited after all. If you look at language as a "coping mechanism", is that part of what we are talking about when we talk of dysfunctional relationships? Would it be more positive to think of people in AS/NT relationships as having cultural differences? I think it's fairly accepted that there is probably a lot of undiagnosed AS about, and if so, there will be a lot of people in relationships with partners with AS, or with it themselves, that do not know. Some of them will be unhappy and wanting to know why, and they may well "blame" the AS, and at the moment there is a big old self-help business out there to help them do that. I began to swing to that extreme, but i was caught up in suddenly having this rush of information and made it all about me for a while. As i said, glad i calmed down. To be fair baddad, i don't think it sounds patronising as much as it sounds like the words of a 24 year old (there i go again.... ), and to be fair to HQ i was the one who brought up the issue of co-dependency and ego in a relationship, admitting i had been there done that, and i got off unscathed from saying it! HQ i read a lot of self-help books in my 20s (and was also in a rubbish relationship for too much of that time!), had lots of counselling etc. I changed a lot in that time, as did what i thought i wanted from life. I think that is what your 20s is for - doing proper growing up! I think your biggest issues in the relationship come from your age, both of you. Can it survive the changes and the growing that will happen for both of you? Should it? Mine didn't, but my relationship with alex survived much more change, he was much more open to growing than my previous (resolutely NT!) partner. But... we were both older. Daughter has just looked over my shoulder, said "boy thats long!", and is now hassling to be dropped off somewhere.... she has a social life.... I will post this and will probably come back later and edit the wilder ramblings on the grounds of embarressment

Hi Hairspray Queen, i started using this forum when, earlier this year, i began to learn about AS and realise that my partner almost certainly has aspergers. There is a thread in Beyond Adolescence about us, where i have been given such good advice and wonderful support. He suffers badly with anxiety and has been having a terrible time this year, feeling suicidal and having sometimes continual meltdowns. His gp has just agreed to refer him for an asperger assessment. He has finally read alex's medical records, back to childhood, (so he at least sat up and took notice of the suicidal behaviour....), and realised that there is a developmental issue, for want of a better way to put it, rather than purely a mental health problem, or "learned behaviour". This has been a particularly hurtful and unhelpful accusation levelled at him by professionals in the past. Although..... in the last year or two, i had begun to believe it myself, until i began to learn about AS. We are in our 13th year of knowing each other, and at the moment i am wondering a lot how different things might have been had we learnt about AS earlier, or even had he had a diagnosis in childhood. (His medical records show there was ample opportunity for any number of professionals to have realised there was something more than a naughty or traumatised boy). Our relationship was always turbulent, from both sides!, and there was always a large element of me "running" things, but i had a 1 year old when we met so i was in that role anyway. Also, i had to do a lot of coping and caring as a child, and experienced a lot of unpredicatable and what today would be called challenging behaviour around me, so a relationship that always appeared "difficult" to others was just my comfort zone! Whenever i have slid into feeling he has been damaging for me (and at times he has physically hurt me, fuelled by his blind panic), i have to remind myself of that co-dependency. Part of my attraction to him was that he made me feel needed, and he sorely needed and appreciated my ability to remain calm - and i cannot deny that was a boost to my ego. It takes two to make any relationship, and that, i now think, was my major contribution to our dysfunction. (Bet you are recognising the signs of a fellow compulsive analyser here ) Having said all that, a huge amount of our relationship was brilliant.... i am no martyr. I saw him as someone with a rough childhood who just needed to find the right help. Beyond that he was my totally unconventional, funny, original, completely honest best mate. In some ways he still is that, even though the Relationship is no longer there. Over time though, we both got busier, he started a business, and i retrained into a completely new career. I also had lots of housing problems for a couple of years that caused me huge stress, and things got more difficult between us. They got flatter somehow, we lost the humour a lot, a lot of my tolerance went - but then look at the stresses i just mentioned - they would try any relationship. He also went through a period of heavy drinking, which does not sit well with chronic anxiety. In the last couple of years me and daughter, and sometimes alex, have been sharing a house with my landlady, and have watched her, a very, very NT person, start a relationship with another very NT man, both of them lovely well adjusted products of good childhoods. That really made me look at things anew. I began to see alex as incapable of give and take, just needing to take, as emotionally cold, hugely selfish - all the things in fact that are usually used to describe AS men. I became very very angry, began to see the relationship as having taken a huge toll on me. And by this point our co-dependency had become very unhealthy. Everytime he had a work/business/anxiety problem he turned to me, yet he knew i was tired of handling it and that made him feel worse (as Bid so rightly pointed out). It was back in about February i stumbled across a reference to AS and began to read about it. To be honest i knew straight away that that was him, and so did he when he read about it. It completely took the wind out of my anger. A lot of his behaviour had a reason. It was no longer about him being selfish etc.... but just the way he is made. Learning about AS has helped him to stop feeling a failure, it has turned everything on its head. Now he, actually we, can look at how WELL he has coped in life, at his successes and his qualities. I am not saying everything is rosy, but... And he is not selfish, far from it. He just doesn't get the expectation in a lot of situations, can't read what the appropriate response is, needs reminding to respond at all etc etc!!! The thing is, you already have knowledge about AS that you can draw on to look at your boyfriends behaviour, i didn't have that for over 12 years, neither did he ever for that matter. It may be better to describe relationships as needing just work sometimes, rather than hard work, as i understand exactly where Bid is coming from. A good relationship should have a "flow", i think. There is a difference between work and thankless grind too, and only you know where that difference is for you. I also agree with everyone who has pointed out that you are young, and that maybe this is not the relationship for you. Maybe you do not recognise that, and the issue of his AS is simply clouding things for you. There will be lots of things about him, and your relationship, that will not be due to AS, and you need to work out what they are. Are they positives or negatives? He is much more than his diagnosis. Imagine if you did not know he had AS, how would you feel about him then? Knowing he does may give you some idea of coping mechanisms for certain situations, but it does not change who he is, or how you feel when you are together, if you see what i mean. Imagine if he had a couple of kids and an ex-wife in tow; that would make harder work in the relationship, and maybe cause you resentment, guilt etc. How would you feel about things then? I am not the young person you wanted to talk to , i am 41, and it probably would help you to talk to people your own age, as i really don't know what i would have done in your situation at your age. I am fairly certain now though, that the thing that has caused the most damage in our relationship, outside of external stresses, has been alex's anxiety. It is quite possibly the thing that has caused him the most difficulty throughout life too. I know that anxiety can be very closely associated with AS, but alex suffers to a degree that makes it a separate mental health issue. This is what i meant by working out exactly, if you can, in what ways and where the AS has a direct impact on your relationship. Alex's anxiety has been like a third person in our relationship - always there, always interfering! I can't help but feel that if he "just" had AS, and not the chronic, crushing anxiety too (and do forgive any flippancy in the "just AS" remark, i am not downplaying it), that we might just still have our funny, unusual "us against the world" partnership..... I do know what you mean about needing support with the negatives. It is easy sometimes, especially on a forum, to only acknowledge the negatives, so i don't for one moment think that is the whole picture of your feelings. This is a good forum, not drowning in negativity or self-pity. You also get the chance here to communicate with people who also have AS, which i have found invaluable. Do you know what though.... even if you were blissfully happy i would probably still be saying you are far too young to be "settling down"! (not at all patronising there, was i...... ) I do hope these, lengthy ramblings make some sense to you!!

Oh My Goodness!!! What are people thinking of, bringing in clothes like that???? I am lost for words....

Hi Alexis, We are near bristol too, and would be interested in finding out about local groups. My partner is just about to begin his journey towards assessment and diagnosis, hopefully, and he is interested in looking at groups. My daughter had loads of playmobile when she was younger. She had to go in an ambulance aged 4, and then she got really into collecting emergency service playmobile. We love them, and still have some, even though she is nearly 15 now! My housemate has recently started a relationship with a fireman, and it has been great fun to leave playmobile firengines around the house, staging rescues from shelves and things like that! Well...... we find it fun!

You have two separate issues here: 1. Do you have to tell him you might leave? 2. Do you have to tell him/does he know you have AS? As people have already said, you are under no obligation to tell him your future plans, beyond mentioning, if you want to, that you would like more hours/pay from a job one day. Lots of people have plans for the future, often they are quite vague - like wanting a job with more hours. I would like that myself at the moment, and have often mentioned it in passing to my boss. He usually responds by wanting a reassurance that i am not about to leave immediately! You do not belong to your boss, there are lots of things that could lead to you wanting or needing to leave your job after christmas. However, have you thought about staying and taking the training to cover for him? Is that something you would want to do? You have obviously made a good impression, and are already trusted enough for him to be thinking about it. And of course, covering for him would probably give you some extra hours, even if only for a while. It would also look good on your CV in any future job applications, that you were given that responsibility. Have you thought about whether it is something you would like to do, and whether you feel able to handle the extra responsibility? As for the AS, i agree he does seem like a nice person, and if he has "worked it out" and his behaviour towards you hasn't changed, then he is probably not judgemental. As for your worry that he may not see AS as a disability, if you remember in your original post, when he mentioned autism, he actually mentioned it as a disability. His remark does sound like it could have been fishing for a confession, although it may help to see it more as "opening the door" for you to tell him if you wanted to. Equally, you are worried about keeping a "secret" from him. Would it help you to think of it as having privacy, rather than keeping secrets? You have not lied to him, you were under no legal obligation to tell him and you have been doing your job well enough to not need adjustments. Keeping secrets can sound so negative, and many of us will have been brought up not to do it, but we are all entitled to privacy, to whatever extent we need it to feel comfortable. You did well to persevere and get a job, and you have done that job well. Please try not to feel bad, and definately don't feel like a fraud! A job interview can be sooo difficult, and for all of us it is a bit of a performance. We try to show ourselves at our best, and concentrate on those things about us most relevant to the job. Everyone does that, it is not lying, just choosing what is most important to say. And i think you were right to think his remarks about please and thankyou were praising your social skills with the customers, and you deserve to congratulate yourself for that too! It is lovely to go in a shop and be spoken to politely, good manners make the world a nicer place for everyone in my opinion! I just hope they are polite back to you in return!