Ria

Hello, Can anyone give any advice? My 16 years old ds left residential school this summer. We didn't get funding for him to stay on and attend college,and he is now back home. He says he cannot face going to college, despite us looking at various ones.He wants to get a job, but I don't know if he would be too anxious for that too if it came down to it. He gained "C" grades in his GCSE'S, it's the social interaction that is the stumbling block.Do any of you know of any other options? What can ASD teenagers do if they can't access mainstream colleges? Apparently, you have to be 18 years old for any sort of supported employment. The danger is that he will end up never leaving the house, he was out of education for 2 and a half years in the past. Any ideas will be gratefully received, thank's.

Just want to add something to the above. When I said that my dd's don't get on with my dh, and that we think he is as, my dd's feel that he does not care about them as he appears unemotional and does not start conversations with them. He says that they should do more around the house and he is angry about this. I can see both sides. There is a very good book called "Aspergers in Love", which talks about adult relationships, I wish my girls would read this but they won't, and I wish my dh would go for a dx but he won't. There is a big split between the males and the females in this house, yet I think I have traits of as myself, hence I'm in the middle. My dh is very good with the toddler, as he was with the dd's when they were little.Think it's as they got older he found it hard to be with them.

Hi everyone, thank's for everything. ds says that he found it stressful just looking around the colleges. Lots of people, not knowing anyone,not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, people making fun of him, that's whats bothering him. One-to ones haven't worked in the past- but he is older now. Not wanting anyone to know he needs support. And of course, being a teenager, he doesn't want to have a dx of Aspergers and being on the Spectrum. Social worker called this morning, she says that in her opinion he needs to be still in Residential. She says that we are going to have a Core Assessment, but this won't be done before September. This Assessment has me worried,but should I be? Who is going to be at this Assessment? Sw. was not impressed with ds bedroom. This seemed to be a big thing to her that she had to see his room, she said she needed to see it on her first visit. I have 2 dd's at home, one hasn't left the house for over 6 weeks, she has 1 friend that occasionally drops by. Dd feels too fat and ugly to go out. She spends most of the time in her room. Both dd's don't get on with my dh. We, and dh, think he may have undiagnosed as. Other dd is at local uni and has 2year old son who lives here. She is worried that because of this Assessment, ss might say that her son shouldn't be living in a disfunctional house. Little boy is waiting to see paediatrician as his speech is delayed and he is very active (his father has dx of adhd). What's going to happen because of this Assessment? I feel very uneasy about all this. ds wouldn't talk to sw. either. If health are going to be involved too, as sw said they would be, should I speak to gp? I don't want to, and what could they do anyway?

Thankyou everyone for your replies, As we expected at the meeting, the reply was that a local college can meet his educational needs and we need social services for the home. ds has become very anxious,swapping and changing his mind over what he wants to do. He is now refusing to stay out of county. He doesn't want to go to any college at all but understands that unless he gets a job or does nothing then he will have to do a course or an apprenticeship and that means college. He just won't get the support here that he would get away from home. If that is what he wants, then how can we force him to go where he doesn't want to go,? even though we as his parents think it would be in his interest ? Should we go to tribunal saying that he is too immature to make that decision? Al, ss. can offer is direct payments so that someone can take ds out. And just what is the point of that -my ds would not go- he has difficulties forming relationships- how is he going to go out with some stranger! What a farce- don't they understand as?! I found their offer upsetting. Please give me your opinion folks, I don't know what to do for the best. ds doesn't want to do anything, just stay at home.

Hi! Same here as you Paula, 16 year old ds, possibly going to college in September but who knows ?( no funding) Probably won't go anyway after such a long break. We rate the school holidays as being good if we manage to get through them without any of the emergency services having to come here! Have Social Services or Crossroads got anything on offer? What are your sons interests?

So glad to hear that you enjoyed your walk. Is this something you will able to do more regularly? When are you going on holiday? Hopefully once you are there you will be able to enjoy it as all the preparation will be behind you. I'm not the brightest on the planet and can't give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know that I wish you well. x

Hi Kathryn, thank's for wishing us luck. Will need it, got a long way to go yet. Think it is a token gesture by LEA, we could pick the time we went and when I asked if they had invited anyone else they said no.Still, this is where we need to put our case across properly. Going to ds school summer fete today. Have a good weekend. x

LEA have agreed to a meeting on Tuesday morning. Local college have said that they cannot offer 24 hr. support. Must use this weekend to gather all we need to fight our case. Will let you all know what happens.

Hi there, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. It is hard juggling children and every thing else isn't it? Do you feel able to speak to anyone about how you feel? Your doctor perhaps? They would also be able to tell you if there is anything else you can do apart from the exercise to help to make you feel better.Do you have the time to do something that you enjoy? We all need a bit of "me time" without feeling guilty about it.Sometimes having someone to talk to can help and the Samaritans are always at the end of the phone. Log on to here too. Your doctor can discuss your medication too. Hope you feel better soon, take care now,Ria x

Thank's Kazzen 161 and call me Jaded, you are quite right in all that you have said. Think I'd lost track but you helped clear the fog. Managed to sit ds down today and talk! Explained pro's and con's of staying away/ coming back and yes, though he doesn't really want to stay away, he did say that he would do that if it meant him going to college where the other boys from his school are going. He admitted that he would find it very stressful, and I thought that was very positive of him to say how he felt about going, because he wouldn't normally. He doesn't want people to know he needs support. Anyway, at least now I know to do all I can to help him stay where he is. That was a very good point about educating people up to age 18, I will look in to that. People on here have made a lot of useful suggastions which I can use, thank's all once again, Ria x

Again thank's all for your replies. Whilst I'm going through the motions to fight for funding for my ds to stay out of county because we feel one year of all the support he would get towards independant living would benefit him, is it the right thing to do? ds, after viewing 3 colleges, now says he would rather get a job. If he managed to get a job, he would probably duck out of that too before starting. He would probably hardly ever leave the house. Yet if it's his choice, are we wrong to say he has to go to college and gain life skills?At home, he bosses me about and I know I should stand up to him but before he went away to residential he used to hit me and break things. He is even bigger now. Sometimes we called the police, We didn't know if we needed the police or a doctor to calm him down. Since going residential, he doesn't do that, is only verbal, but I feel the threat is still there and I do what I can to keep him calm. I don't want any neighbours hearing him, some are nice but some are judgemental. If he stays home all day, what will happen to him when we die? We also have a 18 year old dd who rarely leaves the house. She feels so ugly and fat and stays in her room most of the time. She has 2 friends she texts, that's all. We can see dd and ds being company for eachother and not becoming independent. My other dd lives with us with 2 year old grandson. My dh gets on well with ds, very alike, he doesn't get on well with dd's, no conversation. dh is probably as, when ds was diagnosed it was mentioned. Very clever math's teacher,can't get a regular job,doing supply. Lots of personalities here,all very different. So, now you have a clearer picture of our household, what do you think we should do re ds and where he goes next year?

Thankyou Kathryn for your very informative reply. Have asked LEA again for a meeting before appealing and am awaiting reply from them. x

Hi Kathryn, Thank's for your reply, the letter we received said that the statement finishes at the end of July. They didn't say how we could appeal, so I believe there is no legal clock ticking yet, though things need to be in place for September and you know how long everything takes! What is SEND which you mention please?

Hi Trekster, Thankyou for replying to me. From what I saw from the colleges, the support for his education seems alright within the college. When he has refused to go to school, the care staff have come to the house and persuaded him to return. The post 16+ residential home would help him with cooking, clothes washing, paying bills and things like that. If I try to help him, he gets angry with me. Were you happy with the support you got?

Hello again everyone, Does anyone know on what grounds we can Appeal? PPS don't know if we can go ahead with Appeal because 16+ is a "gray area". Education say ds's needs can be met in local college, ds refusing to go to local college since visiting them (anxiety kicked in). We feel ds needs the additional support he would get staying residential out of county re: socialising in community, everyday living tasks. If he comes back here 24/7 he will be back in his bedroom never going anywhere, headmaster said so too. Social Services say it is an educational matter and won't become involved. Any one any ideas where we go from here? PPS say it may be Disability Discrimination? Thanks.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. We all have to battle to get any results don't we. Monday morning 9.15 am. local connections officer turned up on the doorstep out of the blue. He did give some ideas of who to contact, as did pps. Had a meeting today with ds's headmaster. My head is swimming with all the things and people to persue, not one person has been available on the phone, they are all "In a meeting" or "Not in the office"! Have you come across that before anyone? lol. Will post again, and look at your suggestions. Thank's

Hello to you, I am nervous about giving advice incase I am wrong but will share our experiences. After a lot of problems my ds saw NHS Autism Team who said he wasn't on the spectrum. Off we went and ds was put in an EBD. unit in a mainstream school. We continued seeing NHS psychologist. Everyone who had dealings with my ds said "Are you sure he isn't on the spectrum, he acts just like all the other children we know who are?" We were advised by an assistant head teacher to have a private assessment done. So we did, only for the LEA. to tell us that they didn't accept private assessments. Private assessment gave a diagnosis of Asperger's. NHS. psychologist was told repeatedly by psychiatrist to stop seeing us but she didn't, she knew all the problems we were having. Thankfully, when the EBD. unit "could no longer meet his needs" and psychologist kept asking psychiatrist to re-assess was it done and a diagnosis of Spectrum Disorder was made. That enabled ds to go to a specialist school which has been the best placement my ds has been to. So, I just wanted to say that maybe it would be worth checking if LEA would accept a private diagnosis? Maybe different LEA's have different ways of working? Our LEA. is West Cheshire. It is so frustrating fighting the system isn't it?! Don't forget," Mother knows best (and Father)" !

Hello all, Have just had a letter from LEA. to say that the emergency meeting that was being arranged by them is not going to happen. My ds attends an out of county school monday to Friday and is sitting his GCSE's now. He has no learning difficulties, social interaction is his main hurdle.Before going to this school, he was out of education for 2 and a half years, he refused to go, and when he did go to mainstream schools and an EBD school it was a disaster. He has done so well at where he is now.There is provision for 16 plus but of course there is the little problem of funding, which we didn't know we had to apply for until this year.My ds had said that he didn't want to go to college away from home which the LEA picked up on but unknown to them he has ,since looking at 2 local collages and becoming anxious, changed his mind and is refusing to go anywhere where he won't know another boy from school. There is another boy from his school going on the same course my ds wants to do in the out of county collage. My son has had problems in the community and is more of a problem with outbursts at home than is is at school and we as his parents feel that he would benefit from staying out of county for the support they can give him,which we can't. The LEA. said that they agreed that we needed an emergency meeting with them and when I have called up to ask when it was going to be they have said that it was being arranged and we would get a letter. Well, get a letter we did today saying that because my ds has no learning difficulties and wants to go to college locally, there is no point to a meeting. As if it is just about learning ability for people on the Spectrum to go through day to day living! It was a blatant lie to tell us that there was going to be a meeting! Any coincidence the letter arrived on a Saturday when their office is closed?! We were expecting a fight for funding but to be told that there isn't even going to be a meeting has made me so angry! Parent Partnership have been fantastic over the years, I guess I'll be doing a lot of phoning around on Monday. Thankyou for letting me vent my frustration here.

Hi all, I can identify with all of you who have families who aren't understanding or supportive. Maybe they don't realise how hurtful that is. During such a family gathering, my ds wrote"F--- O--" (in full) on a piece of paper and stuck it on the wall! My sentiments to them too, son lol!

Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum so hope I am doing this right! We searched for a residential school for our son and found that they were for children with learning difficulties. We found a school that was mainly for boys who were able and on the Autistic Spectrum, but also took children with other diagnoses of ADHD., Tourettes etc. It takes boys from junior school age through to 18 plus where they help them with where they go from there. A lot of children get fobbed off into EBD. schools, but if their Autistic needs were met properly by the school their meltdowns would be less. The school we found was Cruckton Hall in Shrewsbury, Shropshire. It was a very sad day when we took our son and left him there 3 years ago but it was the best thing that has happened to him. He is not cured, but I have not been called to the school, he no longer hits me and rarely breaks things (his frustrations are verbal now) and he has friends now, boys similar to We have found it to be a good school. Ihope this helps someone

Hello Michelle 2 My son is 16 too and on the spectrum. I am new to this forum too. My son gets on well with his Dad, they are very alike,it's me he has problems with. Is your son at home? How are things for you at the moment?

Hello, my name is Ria and I am new here. The youngest of our 4 children has been diagnosed as being on the spectrum. My husband is undiagnosed, yet when my son was being assessed comments were made. I know I have traits too. I guess I just wanted to mix with people who go through similar things that we as a "mixed neuro family" do. This, to me, is less stressful that going to meetings. My son is 16 and doing his exams at the moment. He lives in a school for able-spectrum boys Monday til Friday out of county and we didn't realise that we had to apply for funding and all that until recently. We are to have an emergency meeting with the LEA and Social Services but have no date yet.There is another part of the school my son can go to and attend a college there, which is where we would like him to go. Ryan (my son) doesn't really know what he wants to do, which makes it harder for us to fight for him to stay away from home when some days he is screaming and shouting about not coming back home. Other days he doesn't want to leave the friends he has made- something he had problems with in mainstream schools. Ryan also wants to go to the college by the school as he knows another boy doing the same course. We worry that should he not get funding and have to go to a college at home, something will upset him and he won't go anymore.The care staff can go with him and support him if he stayed away. Ryan was out of education for 2 and a half years and we don't want him to shy away again if he becomes upset.Don't know if this is very clear or not. Also going on in this family is my step-daughter getting married next year, but no date yet. My husband doesnot want to go, and neither do I. We haven't fallen out or anything like that, or even mentioned our dread, but she just wouldn't understand the awful feelings we get just being faced by such an occasion. I would probably go, if a wonderful excuse doesn't come up by then, but just the thought of it makes me want to cry. My husband is worrying about it. We can understand that her feelings would be hurt if we didn't attend, and we do not want to hurt her feelings. If we could sit in a dark corner somewhere maybe it wouldn't be so bad? Anyone got any advice?