darkshine

I'm still opting for cannibalism - seems a really valid option - and after all.... isn't it the most popular option that most people would think of last for a last meal.... to be perfectly honest, given a straight choice between semolina and a human steak, I'd probably opt for the steak cuz what the hell? I already know that semolina is foul!!! A more interesting question is at what point within the 24 hours of life do you eat this last meal? Do you wait til the end and try and scoff it quick before the time runs out or do you have it early and then feel hungry for the rest of the day? Wouldn't people rather do something else for the final hours than eat?!?

Sounds like you are trying to make some positive changes and have made a good beginning. These things take trial and error, I find some styles of music can assist and others can interfere, as a child I used to listen to tapes of someone reading a story, and as an adult I have moved away from these ideas and I play certain DVD's that are quiet, and dark, I find the muted murmurings and dull flickering light helps me to go to sleep, and I set 2 hour timers for the devices to turn off after 2 hours. The good thing with trying to test out ideas for getting your son to have a healthy sleep routine is that there's a wealth of ideas out there, I'd advise that you test them for a long enough time so that you truly know if an idea helps or hinders, I've found that some things have felt worse to begin with and then a couple of weeks later I've noticed improvements - it really is about trying things out and seeing what works over time and realising that a sleep pattern can change as the world around us changes - it isn't possible to make it exactly the same everyday - things like weather, time of year, mood, the emotions of people around us - are not going to stay static permanently. I myself occasionally use lavender essential oils in a bath, I know that this can help on a regular basis but I leave it as a backup plan because coupled with the bath it aids relaxation and I don't need to do this every night because I just don't need to, this is something I worked out through trial and error along with many other ideas, and I still have more to learn as though my sleep routine is "ok" it is not fully suited to me yet. Approaching this stuff with a neutral attitude helps, as does being positive or proactive - I know this is difficult when you get sleep deprived, but its well worth the effort in the long run for you and your family. Hope the painting the room blue helps as I also believe that to be a good idea to provide a link to your son's old bedroom for when he goes to sleep, certain colours in a bedroom (or indeed any room) can have affects on light and mood, I personally found my room being that colour as a teenager was calming, although I painted two walls cream to get a different affect with light which I quite liked (I did this on alternate walls - blue, cream, blue, cream - mainly because I liked the repetitive pattern of colour as I looked around the room). My final point is that now you have found some things that help, I would avoid making any major changes, if things go downhill, try changing one thing, or adding one idea, see if it works for at least a couple of weeks before tweaking or deciding to try something else - I also wouldn't write off an idea unless it has a massive effect - and even then, what might not work at age 4, might work at age 6, or 13 and so on. Best Darkshine

My dog doesn't like it when its blowing a gale, really hates it, especially dislikes the noise in the trees. I like the sea when its in its winter and spring violence stages, its something else when its like that, you get to see a different side to it that shows the true power of water.

I find the split between logic and the unexplainable hard to bridge, and in some ways I am disinclined to do so for part of me likes the fact that some things don't have an explanation, because as someone who seeks explanations for so many things in life I feel that certain areas are perfectly acceptable to be "unexplained" just to even things out a bit. I have experienced minor things that my sense of logic cannot account for.

Ignoring anyone who knocks on the door

I think its all about mindset, the common cold is just that - a common cold, it isn't like having the flu for example, its an inconvenience, although I admit that some symptoms can be annoying and interfering... Why invest all that money in research when the virus would probably just mutate into something else if a cure was found anyway - which would make colds worse and all the research would have to begin all over again.

Why is he having difficulty sleeping? There could be a number of reasons and if the cause is not addressed then although medication can ease the problem, it might not solve it. Also some people, kids included need less sleep than others, how is the lack of sleep affecting him? Learning to have a healthy sleep routine isn't always an automatic thing, I've spent many years trying to create a healthy sleep pattern (and still don't totally succeed lol) I guess my point is that for some people it has to be learnt. What time do you want him to go to bed? What happens around his night time routine? How does he behave? How does everyone else behave? Do you inform him that its time to go to bed and have a routine in place that stays the same every night? And was this a problem before you moved? (Just asking a few questions for more info - even though I might not have an answer someone else might and extra info doesn't hurt). Best Darkshine

Both

Course it does, there I am, I'm trying to work something out and I turn to my mate and go "what do you think?" they go "well Darkshine you are being an idiot because you are complicating that" and I go "why?" and they say a bunch of stuff and I go "well alright then, I agree with that and that, but not that, and have you thought about this?" so we discuss it and I learn something - maybe we both learn something. Personally I like to know what people think,and if they tell me something that is only their opinion then that's fine cuz I can take it or leave it - but I do think opinion can potentially help with problem solving because sometimes there aren't cold hard facts, and there isn't a set of instructions, so opinion can be tagged into things like experience, which when I haven't got a clue about how to do something and someone has an opinion on how to address it - I'll sure as hell listen - its then really up to me if I agree or not and what I wish to do about it. I think its all about how we give and receive opinions - really all they are is what someone thinks at any given time, they are subject to change sometimes, and the value or importance we place on another's experience is just as much each parties' responsibility to engage with each other in such a manner that doesn't facilitate harmful behaviours - that means personal responsibility as well as shared. Also having some degree of realisation that an opinion doesn't have to be the end of the world, it doesn't have to be anything at all, useful or not, just see them for what they are interesting, varied, mixed, quirky, boring, weird, funny - and what's better is if people actually know why they have an opinion in the first place and it can be pretty interesting debating it.

The hoard of stuff will only get sorted if you really want to deal with it and then find some way that you can deal with it, I struggled with this for years, but had to create my own methods and be really fair, so I won't just throw stuff out indiscriminately - but I do ask myself what I need, and I do give in and admit some things aren't gonna be used, or that they are wasting space or I've outgrown them, or they are broke, or stuff that people gave me that I don't like and then a year or so later I get rid of it. Sleep routine is the same sort of deal, you gotta want to address it - I'm not gonna spiel off a load of stuff - it depends on what the issue is, but it takes a lot of like patience and commitment and stuff to sort out. It's harder if you have specific problems, like insomnia is awkward or nightmares or whatever... but with both, I know that there's sometimes things I can do to ease that and not stray too far from a sleep routine... pain is another issue I used to struggle with, that was harder to work out, but my pain was from tension so I could do something about it, it took ages. Preparing for this time of year is difficult, I find the reduced light and cold to be unhelpful and I also have bad memories associated with xmas - I don't know if this a personal thing or not, but it gets less bad, I dread it less early, I think about stuff less as time goes on - I can honestly see me just acknowledging the date, and giving myself a break - maybe this year, I think its better to think that way than start to do a count down to the day you dread. I'm sort of going into this part of the year and I am attempting to stay in a neutral mindset because I've found that because autumn and winters have been bad that I fall into this mindset that they all will be, and that isn't necessarily right, its harder in quite a few ways. There's some good things about this time of year (even from my depressive previous experiences there were still good points from time to time).

As I'm finding out

I don't like being cold, but I haven't seen much of the last 12 or 13 autumn/winters so I plan to see a lot more of these seasons this year. In summer my sleep/wake routine works very well, but in autumn/winter those hours are not so good, and it isn't until about April that it really improves, so I'm probably going to have to deal with that this year or I'm only going to have 5 hours of relatively decent daylight each day for a long time... If this post was put up a year ago I'd have said I find autumn and winter "depressive"... might have to remember to ask myself this question again in spring to see what I say, something more interesting than "depressive" I hope.

I think that's a good point and the label can do that at any age - I suppose the point I was trying to make with my response (perhaps not very clearly) is that in the case of my parents I have a feeling that the label would have been used in ways that would have placed negative beliefs onto me regardless of whatever I thought or felt about it, and there were enough of them already. For example I could see my dad being ashamed of the label because he cannot accept it even now, there's a fair bit of denial, although he is slowly asking the odd question so who knows, but I can also see him coming down on me harder than he did to try and normalise me. As for my mum, well... the sad thing is I can see her as this matryr having to deal with a kid with AS, I can see her demanding I should be helped, pawning me off to get respite, but excusing my behaviour by not assisting me to facilitate change, and I also see that could have led to a split between the label and my behaviours occurring - she would either be like that or minimising of the whole thing and saying that we all struggle with exactly the same problems - I can see her doing a lot of things - from experience some of those apply anyway. Technically speaking I see more possibility of being so sheltered and coddled and "protected" that I'd have been like an animal in a cage - of course, I am still me so there would have still been that likelihood that I would have still said screw you and done a bunk anyway

I'm with Indiscreet on this one - its impossible to tell, but I'm in the mood to give it a shot. I think that judging from my family and the way they were and stuff that I do know - I think the main difference is I'd be locked in my bedroom still, I wouldn't have left home, I wouldn't have moved 200 miles away, I wouldn't have started a new life and learnt to cope with finances or making sure I eat, I wouldn't have spent 12 years in the mental health service trying to sort myself out, I wouldn't have done any of that. I think what would have happened instead is that due to the highly negative and harmful beliefs in my family I'd be rotting away in a small room - and all those labels I told the shrinks and docs and psychologists to go stuff up their ass - well I'd have a nice string of them by now if my mum had got anything to do with it, cuz those labels would have enabled her to put the blame and guilt elsewhere. Its all too easy to go "I wish" but the fact is, the way my family are, it would have been highly likely that everything would have been worse than what it was, cuz all this stuff I've tried to do, its taught me stuff. Of course there is a mild chance it could have gone the other way and I'd have been supported etc etc - but the truth is, and I'm not just being negative here - my family just weren't that way inclined when I was growing up - I don't see how a diagnosis when I was younger would change that because being depressed didn't change anything at that time, nobody helped me, I don't think a diagnosis of Aspergers would have changed anything for the better cuz there would just be more negative beliefs than there already was.

Thank you (again lol) not only for your words of advice, they strike me as honest and meaningful and what you say makes sense, and I also appreciate your words of guidance, I'm starting to hear my inner voice and listen to what all those things tell me - I think that balance is the problem I'm having in that respect but as time goes on, I seem to balance a little better and fall over a lot less - if I reflect on that I do see an improvement - I think my impatience is not helpful with a lot of this stuff. I do find it helpful It's real, but I do not describe something I believe is perfection to everyone, maybe to me perfection is a rusty old car that is mean to drive and doesn't lose its vale - maybe perfection to you would be a monster truck or a jaguar, so an all encompassing perfection wouldn't sound right or feel right, but maybe to me it is some sort of perfection purely because it is flawed, because aren't we all flawed? So is my description idealistic - it depends what your version of idealistic is, maybe what I describe fits into your ideals too... Do you mean I am trying to reach unobtainable high standards with this particular friendship or with everything else? In life I admit it is a problem at times. In this friendship it isn't a factor because it isn't high standards (obtainable or otherwise) that is the problem, it isn't even something that crosses my mind until my own self-doubt and negativity steps in and adds uncertainty and worry and stuff.

This is all going to be so flawed, but I knew that before I ever decided to say a word in this post - and in the past I would have just turned away from this because that would be easier - but its flawed, and I know it, and I don't know what to do about it... You know what? That's an interesting question because I do know how convince myself of the opposite, so I learned how to do this one way but not the other. To put it better: I struggle to find and maintain positive value within myself, when my experiences and interactions, mixed with my thoughts, feelings and beliefs make me feel as though I have no value. To be honest the word value isn't something I'm wanting to get stuck on, it has other connotations to it that I find to be inaccurate, yet I am unable to think of another word, and 'value' is something that is only one part of a much bigger picture, yet it has effects throughout other areas of my life. For example, there are some things I value outside of myself, yet I am technically a part of those things but that gets pushed aside by the thoughts I have and its difficult - but I value a friend I talk to, this comes in many forms because those interactions are meaningful to me, I cannot put an actual value on it like a price, this isn't like an auction or something, and also because in so many ways it is priceless and means so much to me. In terms of the value of that friendship, there's a cost to me if it ended, I'd be devastated not just because I am given so much - which I am, but because of so many other things like feeling able to talk about anything, the way I think of things I haven't thought of that are interesting, because we share experiences, ideas, stories, plans, pleasure, pain and meaning, to be able to care about someone and having someone care back - about big things and small things and every day things, to care what someone feels and know they do too. To work together in an honest and open way, to give and receive and have some level of equality despite numerous differences. To teach and be taught and learn together and have mutual respect, to add something important that was missing that comes through an understanding on a deeper level, and share thoughts that enhance that understanding, and to know someone in a way that is different because it doesn't need words to define the knowing. And that's not even half of it - and technically everything should be fine then - but I worry about what I can do, and I fret that I'm not good enough, I don't know what I add, or why someone would like me, I get upset that I feel that way, and then all these other thoughts come in to it and make it very hard to just 'be' and not have to think about this stuff because the other thoughts are worse and its like self sabotage. And also to be able to truly be myself yet fail to do so in other situations because people in other situations make me question who I am in a totally different way, cuz with the friend it is neutral or positive but also critical and thoughtful - but with other people or just when I'm on my own it gets very very negative very easily. And in this example of friendship I have to fight against every single one of those thoughts and feelings because it matters so much to me. So the key flaws. 1. I can find value 2. There is value in my life So maybe the more accurate version of the problem is that I have this stuff in my head that tries to wreck it all in some way and its like there is a part of me that sees something good and sets out to destroy it - yet its me that does that - and the rest of me doesn't want to destroy something that means so much and that creates a conflict - and in that sense it doesn't matter whether its value or anything else because this self-destruct process occurs so often, and if I can't focus that on anyone else so I attack myself instead. I don't know how to stop that from happening, and in that sense it isn't just value that is the problem, its all the other stuff I said before about emotions and thoughts, beliefs and self-esteem, not being able to find a point to things or knowing what to do. And not knowing how to cope with the internal conflict and the negativity is a big problem because any sense of self I have is so split up and messy.

I think a large part of my problem is that I've never experienced any different, my childhood, my adolescence, it all carried the same messages, so I need a road forwards perhaps. All the stuff with the runaway mind and everything, that stuff is a lot better, and the negative things in my mind are scary to me because they aren't racing thoughts and stuff, its solid beliefs that I just seem to be unable to do much about them. I do see progress, and being mindful is a good thing, I feel as though it all gets polluted by the stuff in my mind - I don't know if that makes sense? I'm lousy at meditating in the deep breathing centre your mind type way, I'm just too impatient or maybe something else - I'm not sure - the idea has always held an appeal and I've tried extensively at it but usually the main feeling I felt was anger - I'm not sure why - sometimes it would just irritate me. I find the closest I can get is by doing certain things, listening to certain songs, having a certain type of bath, going for a walk by myself somewhere quiet, being still - I find this comes close to meditation but even so, its a bit like stepping out of a rave into a soundproof booth for a short time and then stepping back into the rave - it makes me tense as hell. Thank you for your advice, it gives me hope that life will not always be this way knowing that others have experienced similar things and found ways to not let that stuff rules their lives ......................................................................................................................... I don't know, all I do know is that I don't want to feel worthless any more and I wish there were more things of value in my life, and that things I do would have value of some kind. I've spent so much of my life giving everything I have spare to others, I've helped other people in so many ways, but I seem less able to find that energy for myself because I don't think I'm worth it. I understand that as much as I may wish to predict the future - that isn't possible - and I'm not concerned about that - but I've wasted half my life and I don't want to waste more, and I've just been a waster going nowhere and getting essentially nowhere - I really want to have some direction, I don't need a map, just something to aim for that makes sense to me, something that grabs me and that gives me a feeling of meaning, something to work towards and hope for, something where I can look and see whether I'm getting closer instead of this infernal vagueness that gets me nowhere I guess. I can put the big questions like that aside, but on a personal level I want to address things so that everything isn't tainted by negativity. The biggest problem is I'm lying to myself and I don't know which part of myself is real - everything inside me tells me that I should not be alive, it tells me that I am nothing, I don't deserve to waste the precious air and space in the world. But I couldn't do anything about that stuff, so I've tried to find meaning instead, something to live for, something to be alive for, something that can give me what I lack inside because I cannot truly live while I want to die - so I seek value, I try to address my beliefs, I try to improve myself through learning and trying to understand why things are as they are and to see what I can do about it. For so many years of my life I have given - now I think I'm allowed to explore these things for myself - that is hard for me because I have that belief that I'm not worth it - so i try to counter it by finding small elements of value within me - maybe stuff like "I've helped people" or whatever... Dunno... I'm not even sure if its working - all I do know is that I can't ignore things and I can't repress them, so I try to face that stuff... but I find that I am wandering around, I'm going in circles, I'm slipping backwards and I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and that is really making me miserable because I'm not keen on wandering around in a fog and I know from 10 years of past experience that things aren't just gonna land in my lap - I have to go out and get them - but if I don't know what I'm going to look for then I don't know where to start.

I talk about it because otherwise I'll go insane because of the things in my head - and they don't go away fully and I figure sometimes its best to throw that stuff out there and look at it to understand why it remains an issue.

I can identify with quite a bit of what Karmadestiny has said, I'm kinda stuck at the moment between my past and now - I'm not sure how to move from the position I have been in, to one that would be more healthy in a number of ways. A lot of my self-criticism and self hate are related to my lack of self worth - doesn't matter if a hundred people said I was worthy for some reason, I lack the internal feeling, I feel worthless and nothing ever feels like its good enough, I don't apply myself because negative thinking stops me, everything feels pointless and I struggle to see where anything I do fits into the grand scheme of things. I also lack direction, I don't know what to do or what to aim for, nothing grabs my attention for long, and things that do interest me get twisted in my mind into something negative. I suppose low self-esteem is part of this, and I find that there's so much stuff going on in my mind that it becomes impossible to even think straight at times, I try and do things, things I know I can do quite easily, but all this stuff gets activated and I get swallowed by a load of bad things. I'm trying to change this, trying to find some sort of value, some sort of self belief, and its so hollow and meaningless, I wonder sometimes if I've been twisted by all this dark, depressive stuff that I've been lost in for so many years, and I guess that's why I get so downhearted and miserable, because I'm trying to learn and change and grow, and its like having black tentacles of evil sucking me into something I can never seem to escape from cuz it just keeps pulling me back. This all started when I was about 13 and I started questioning who I was - and I didn't have an answer. I wondered the next year what I wanted to do - and yet again I couldn't not answer. Both of those questions have plagued me ever since. All I do have is lines of thought in my head that tell me stuff that I don't want to hear, and I'm not typing it up here because it doesn't help, but just imagine the worst things you could say to yourself and then make the language so bad that if you heard those words yourself it would hurt and you might get close. Its hard to forgive myself when I'm weak because I'm ruled by a load of stuff that makes me think and feel terrible, and when I've messed up so much and wasted so much time and so many opportunities, it feels unforgivable. Plus I'm not impervious to people when they are in the same room and project words and behaviours that feeds right back into all the stuff I've said here. And the position I personally am in now - and I appreciate that I am not going to be the only one - is one where such a massive percent of the last half of my life (I'm 31) any sense of self identity I've had has been so very bad - and I kinda think "well where do I go from here?" because I can't write off the last decade and a half because it happened and it definitely had its effects - but at the same time I cannot build from that because it's so harmful. I assume I just have to try and find good things somewhere in me and start again with the whole thing - and I can mildly visualise that to a very minimal extent, in that I see it as a logical possibility - but when I add other people into it, it all comes undone in a heartbeat and the biggest problem is that I don't want to live a life in isolation, I know that there's not much chance of me being the life and soul of a party cuz that definitely isn't me - but to be able to know who I am, and to be myself and not crumble at the slightest thing, and not lose myself because of things that shouldn't affect me - and I can't expect everyone on earth to change for me, so the responsibility is mine - but I really haven't a clue how to change things and it terrifies me how long it could take because I am more than obsessed over the years that I've wasted already. You said you wanted to find/wake up the little you - I've found bits of the little me - the little me is no more acceptable to me or anyone else than the me now - I hope you are in a position to approach your personal journey in a more positive way than I am so far, because as much as I keep focusing on learning and development I have all this stuff in my head and it cripples me at times, and some days its harder to keep trying - it seems I spend so much time trying and never getting anywhere - the past 10 days or so have been difficult, not because of anything happening - everything has been fine, interactions, I haven't lapsed into depression, and as much as I have been doing numerous things to keep going, I have to acknowledge this stuff because ignoring it isn't working - and its all in me, caused by me, not anyone else. It's actually worse when other people are within the same space as me - and I realise this stuff is depressing me in some ways, but I am calm, I am not deeply depressed right now, I'm not falling to pieces, but its hard to find solutions that feel as though they work, not helped by the stuff in my head that makes me not know if I'm thinking clearly or seeing things in myself as they really are. Generally speaking I think self identity is a journey we are all on, we might be in different positions in that journey of getting to know oneself, but I am intrigued as to how exactly someone such as myself can move from one position that has been really bad, to another position that isn't. Because at the moment trying to work through the negative stuff, any value I have is like throwing buckets of fresh water into the sea and hoping to change it to fresh water.

When I'm with other people I don't know who the hell I am, its easier to be alone because I can be more like me, but I don't know what me is even then,let alone when it comes to others because they expect stuff and I don't know how to be myself, what makes it worse is if I try to be me with other people I get met with negative reactions - and the more people there are the worse it gets, 1 is ok, 2 is sort of ok, (and I use the word "ok" very loosely here cuz the effort it entails is very draining and I also get left feeling very negative and hollow) when there are more people it all falls apart, as do I. Even spending time alone, I do not know who I am, and I don't particularly like myself. It's easier online though cuz I get a chance to speak the way I want, but only in certain places, if I email people who know me then I end up falling into the same old routines as when I'm with them in person because they don't really want to hear what I actually have to say - unless I make sure I only say certain things that is... I wonder how I can interact in the world when there are people there who change me, and whom I change myself for, because the real me just isn't good enough - I find it is quite depressing to be honest, it sucks motivation out of me and leaves me feeling that I'm just someone who has something fundamentally wrong with them - and I don't really like carrying around the feeling that I'm not good enough either - its bad enough that I'm not good enough for people who have met me, but when I don't feel good enough for myself either, where does it allow hope for the future? The saving grace is the internet and a few people on this forum and even that is problematic cuz of my hand problems and typing & that restricts me way too much - and the one place I can talk freely is limited now - and I wonder if the people I do get on with and who seem to like me on here would still feel the same way if they met me or if I'd get stuck in the same old role of not being able to be me - whatever me is.

There's the issue of sexuality there too though - maybe a man likes effeminate guys because the 'traditional' sense of a couple works for him, he might like the format of a 'conventional' male/female relationship but only be physically attracted to men. If that is the case perhaps a more female acting partner would suit him. There's more to this than sexuality though, there's personality, preference, ability, temperament, social enjoyment, interest etc etc etc. One of the couples I mentioned, they work out because their skills are different - others may work because there's more similarity. And also, don't people do that with friends too? Some people seek similar, like-minded people, and others seek different people (from themselves).

Well at least nobody can slate your time-keeping - better early than late!! I respect the honesty of the message you put here by the way... and I have to agree with a number of points contained within it, but I'm gonna be annoying and not say which ones. Kinda liking the new profile pic - see you around

I've known of a couple of couples where that hasn't been the case, where the two women were both quite masculine in their dress and behaviour and two men were both quite camp. I've also know 2 mixed sex couples where the woman has been quite masculine, and another where the bloke was quite feminine in many ways (more so than his wife). I think it comes down to personality, what type of person we are attracted to, what our preferences are and how as a couple people function in their relationship. Just a brief alternative to stereotypes lol

Hi

Hello