Lyndalou

Oh dear! Poor you!!!!! and it only gets worse the more you stress Hope you can get everything rearranged easily. (You've possibly found them now? You always do when you are not looking! I searched high and low for my lad's nursery folder the night before he went back but it has sprouted legs and walked out the door Not quite as important as your keys but seriously annoying nonetheless!!!!! ) Take care Lynda

Don't think nursery could have gone much better Bounced onto the bus, had a great old time at nursery, bounced back off the bus, didn't go down for a nap but still managed to go horse-riding and agreed to do all the stuff he is unhappy doing Expecting him to be knackered and probably in a right old mood tomorrow tho Hope your drive was ok? It's not the easiest journey driving all that way

What a lovely thing to do. Hope L had a great time - what a fabby treat! Crathes is one of my favourite places in the world and one of our days out was there on a scorcher of a day over the summer. We never went over to the other side of the road though but I'll take a drive down soon and check it out. Last time I looked (last year), the volunteers had a little tea shop up and running in a done-up railway carriage with info about the history of the Royal Deeside Railway but I'm not sure how far on they'd got with the track. Sounds like they've been hard at it unless I've got the wrong end of the stick and you're talking about somewhere else entirely... Beats the Alford miniature railway Anyway, definite thought for future birthday treat!! Lynda x

I feel a sudden urge to visit Glasgow... Bit disappointed it's doubling as Philly tho - coulda been a good sequel to Trainspotting. Choose Deeeeaaathhh!

The wee lad is back to nursery tomorrow Think he's a bit fed up being at home with mummy so lots of gardening, swimming, walking in the countryside and playing with exciting toys is going to be fun fun fun! Over the hols we've done some nice forest walks, soft play, trampolining and painting though (and Thomas Tank) and had LOTS of visits from granny and grandad so it's not been all THAT boring (when the rain has stayed off!!) Plus we've managed to get a haircut and bought a pair of trainers and a pair of shoes that he REALLY enjoyed getting Now.....some mummy time. Yeah right!!

I don't have much time so this reply will be a bit brief...mouths to feed and all that! This is how I felt in my 20's and probably into my 30's though not so intensely. I'm nearly 40 At some point you have to tell yourself 'I am worth being someone's friend. I have something to offer someone else.' and really start to believe it. Perhaps in person you don't come across as the intelligent, thoughtful and caring person you come across as in your posts. However, you have to realise that you ARE that person. There are people out there who, given the time, could connect with you in real life. It's a bit like with a relationship - if you are too needy or too intense then the next thing you know you don't see them for dust! You don't just have to hang on for grim life to being friends with the 2 people you mention. As you've said, you've done your 'tests' and they have been found wanting but that could be a perceptual thing. You have placed such an obsessive interest on ascertainng if they are 'real' friends or not that maybe they are oblivious to the torture you are putting yourself through or maybe they realise they are being 'tested' which would make them recoil. Maybe they have other friends with whom they are juggling their time. As you say, if it difficult to meet up, you need to set a time and place to meet up and try not to place so much emphasis on the meeting like it's a 'make or break' thing. If you get a negative response with no plausible reason as to why they can't meet you then you may have to just accept that the friendship has run it's course. There is a lot more I could say on the subject (because I have obsessed and tortured myself to an Art Form) but I just reiterate that you should cut yourself some slack <'>

Hi Darkshine I'm not sure how old you are but I know that my 20's especially were very much about this. I am undiagnosed but the question you are asking has dogged me and preoccupied me for a very long time although having worked at it, the dull ache in the pit of my stomach I feel as a result of lost friendships has lessened considerably over time. I agree very much with Suze that friendships are a 'two way street' and they take a lot of time and energy to nurture and you have to be sure that your wish to be friends with someone is reciprocated. In my mid twenties I had come to the conclusion that any friendships I had would be short-term. In a sense, that took the pressure off and made it easier just to enjoy the other person's company. It also meant however, that I was always anticipating the end of the friendship so I called these friends 'People I know' which meant that there wasn't a true 'rejection' when the friendship ended because I held so much of myself back. Over time I have come to realise that rejection is part of friendship in that some 'people I know' from the outset are always going to be transitory friends but others, with the effort put in could be part of my life for the long haul. There are no absolutes though and there is such a thing as 'growing apart' and life circumstances can mean you have different expectations of friendships at different times in your life. To me, you are putting all your eggs in two baskets, so to speak, and that is unhealthy in itself. When other people have so much expectation placed upon them they can get scared, just like when you are in a romantic relationship. They can also feel 'obliged' to be your friend which can lead to resentment. At 25, I viewed my then ex-boyfriend as my only friend, along with the 'people I knew'. Even though we were no longer 'together' we were still very close and looking back, I had a completely skewed idea of what the new dynamics of our relationship was. All I knew was that I didn't need to make the effort to forge new lasting friendships because I had him. When it all went ###### up (as it only ever would have done, given my expectations of him) I wrote him the most venomous diatribe I have ever penned, telling him how much I hated him and what a useless waste of space he was. Pure and simple, I felt completely rejected and humiliated and had absolutely no notion of how to deal with it. Just 2 weeks previously he had rushed to the house to be with me through the night when I experienced one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. He sat with me as I screamed and retched, hugging the toilet bowl. He had left a party and his other female 'friend' behind as soon as he got the call from my flatmate but that's what I believed my only friend should do. I didn't see that he wasn't getting much out of the friendship from me and that it was completely perverse of me to expect him to remain celibate, so much so that he was very scared of what I might do if I realised that his other female 'friend' was a bit more that! Of course, when the penny eventually dropped when I had to walk in on them to see what was staring me in the face, my whole world tilted off it's axis. I deeply regret writing that letter and that period of my life was extremely painful when I realised I was all alone. It forced me to take stock and try to get to know other people and make the effort to be their friend and try to get past the fact that I likely would get hurt by getting closer to those people. I have lost numerous friends since then, some of whom I thought were good friends and each time it has been an extremely painful experience. You have to remember though the 'two way street' thing. Sometimes it is your 'fault' when a friendship ends, sometimes it's their 'fault' and sometimes it's no-one's 'fault' at all, it's just life. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I've got a 'thing' about the telephone and that can make friendships difficult and there are 2 people right now that I wonder if they are still friends as I have made no contact with them for so long because they are not online but at some point I have to get past my fear and deal with it if I've left it too long. I'm lucky in that I have a good friend who although we don't contact each other much, we have an understanding about that and when we do meet up (we hardly ever phone) we do things we both enjoy together and have done together for a long time. Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps. Lynda x

Gawd! I had so little common sense it was scary! Maybe I have a little more now? Hmmmm! I think the worst thing as a younger child for me was how oblivious to everything I must have been, followed closely by my very short fuse, my over-riding competitiveness (I ran into a wall and smashed my specs into my face in Primary 4 because I was so determined to win a race ) and my phobias. I think being oblivious was probably a good thing too because I really wouldn't have known if anyone was taking the rise out of me or not. I corrected a boy in my class constantly when he taunted me, calling me 'Jehovah' - I told him 'I am a born-again Christian, not a Jehovah's witness' and then went ont explain the differences I knew I wasn't particularly popular but nothing could have prepared me for my best friend of 3 years turning the class against me in Primary 7. The feeling of desolation and bewilderment are feelings that have never left me. I still see the 10 year old version of me sitting on my own, watching everyone and wondering what on earth I had done. I also decided that my ex best friend had some kind of special power over the rest of the class (a bit like the Pied Piper ). I ran everywhere to everything (at least I was fit!) and I was extremely disorganised which led to my class 3 teacher telling my parents 'Your daughter just annoys me, I trip over her bag all the time'. As a result, she refused to put any of my class work on the walls and I was so petrified of the old witch that I started peeing myself and developed a twitch and a stammer. The peeing thing only got worse when I became convinced that ###### Mary was in the toilets... Talking about peeing...

I've been thinking about tis a lot and I've decided in many ways that my childhood was not half bad, in fact pretty damn good in a lot of ways. My parents loved the fact that I spoke to anyone, had a great vocabulary and spoke very precisely. When I started reading like a maniac at the age of 5, I was encouraged and left to it, in time being able to read to 3 in the morning with my specially wall-mounted night light. When I started playing tunes on my recorder totally by ear and without mistakes I was able to perform my party-pieces also to my hearts content. Oh Happy Days! I dug bait on Saturdays and went fishing with my dad on his own as his little sidekick, I 'rescued' toads being 'blown up' and banged like balloons by big boys by giving them the kiss of life, went to the park by myself and swung on the swings and spun around on the spider's web roundabout upside down as much as I liked, stood on my head in the garden for hours, made daisy chains the length of the garden and back, formed my 'Unicorn Club' which had only me in it and trawled rock pools for crabs and sticklebacks. I'll come back to the bad things as I've got a screaming child....

Looks like it's a good booklet and it's north of the border too! Would you say it was age 10ish up?

Hi Jac I'm not sure if a lot of what you are highlighting is exclusively autistic behaviour for a 19 year old. My brother's 19 year old stepson does exactly what you describe and he is not autistic. He stays up all night on the computer and only steps outside the door to litter the ground with cigarette butts. He has had people go out of their way to offer him jobs as 'favours' but he doesn't like them so he leaves. As he had to prove that he was looking for work when he was signing on, he stopped signing on and now lives free gratis with his mum who is not exasperated like you are. I have and I'm sure many people have done plenty of jobs that they don't like. If that is he only thing that stops him working then, I'm sorry, I think that's no excuse. If there are other reasons, connected to his autism which mean that he is finding it difficult to look for work or communicate his anxietes with you then you need to find a way to discuss this him. However, at the moment, he is living under your roof and his attitude is upsetting you. IMO you need to address what I think is a fundamental lack of respect towards you and your home. You ask - 'Will he ever leave home?'. At this rate, no. You say he has a number of qualifications. What are they in? Can they aid him in getting a job? He has proved that he is capable of taking these exams and gaining the qualifications, albeit without looking at a book. Did he think the job he had before was 'beneath him'? Sorry if that sounds blunt but a lot of kids today don't seem to realise that it can take a whole lot of slogging in the ranks before they achieve a good level of income or the position they feel they are suited to. If your concerns are that he has a lack of life skills then he is not going to learn them sitting in his room. It could mean getting out of his comfort zone, making mistakes and doing things that make him feel uncomfortable. If he is living at home you can assist him with his finances etc with the long-term view that he will be able (possibly still with assistance) have his own place, paying his own bills. Good Luck Lynda

I think I need to read a little more on GAPS before I can comment fully because I've never heard of it before! I know that there is a lot of discussion around intestinal issues having some bearing on autism and I'm willing to go along with that. However, it is a huge jump from this theory to an assertion that there are no differences in a growing foetus' womb and that abnormal flora enters the gut of the baby leading to brain abnormalities only during birth with bottle-feeding and vaccinations then further damaging a baby's brain and leading to autism!

What a positive posting - thankyou! I went into a website recently which advertises the services of a 'Relationship Councellor' specialising in the field of NT/AS relationships and it was depressing reading. As you say, the bias was completely on the NT (normally a woman) receiving help to overcome the terrble predicament of being in a relationship with an AS partner. She was described as a 'rose in the desert' (pass me the sick bucket please!) and someone with AS was described as 'one of those people'. I found it very disheartening to think that these 'professionals' are allowed to peddle such discrimination under the umbrella of 'help' without being challenged. My little boy, diagnosed with High-functioning ASD is 3 and a half and he is loving and demonstrative and loves getting hugs and attention. He also has his bad behaviour too As he grows up, I would imagine he will continue to have good and bad elements in his personality and make-up that will both draw some people to him or turn some people off him as with any other human being. I would also hope that when he grows up there will be far less bigoted nonsense out there, advocating 'support and advice' but instead there will be real-life experiences of people 'living the life', giving a posiive example and hope to others.

Hee hee! That's funny and my wee boy thinks so too!

Oh my goodness! I feel for you - get her to go down the supermarket and buy her own food (and then cook it herself)... Maybe you can pitch her a tent in the garden x

Where exactly are you Amy? Have you spoken to anyone about this? A Health Visitor? A GP? Any teachers voicing concerns? If you get a referral through the NHS, you would probably need to speak to a local health professional in order to get a referral for assessment. My little boy is younger than yours and we went this route. We are in Aberdeenshire. You may wish to contact the NAS in your area for some advice - their website gives contact details. Lynda x

So many of the posts I read make me feel very fortunate that my little boy's problems have been spotted and identified when he is still so young. I noticed a number of things from around the age of 1 on when we were going to toddler groups and other activities. Initially, I thought that maybe he was a bit shy or apprehensive around other children because he didn't have contact with other children at home. He would always get upset when other children came near him on play apparatus and when we went to one particular toddler group he would start crying before we went in the door. I wondered if he was claustrophobic because the group took place in a low-ceilinged room and he also seemed to have this reaction in other enclosed spaces. We went to a gym class in a very large hall and he was quite confident there except for when again he had to 'share' apparatus. He never wanted to take part in the group activity at the end of each session. He had always been very determined, wanting to do his own thing and I suppose I thought that(like his parents) he was just quite stubborn. At another toddler group he would mostly walk around the edge of the room but not play alongside the other children. As time went on, the main thing I became concerned about was his speech so I raised my concerns with the HV. In my area they have stopped routinely assessing children at 2 years old which they always used to so the HV said she would waive this for him. As a result of this meeting, very soon after his 2nd birthday he saw a Consultant Paediatritian who was attached to a local special needs assessment unit. By this time he could identify all the letters of the alphabet, was obsessed with numbers and was very good at puzzles. I was pretty happy about that! However, the Paediatrician seemed to view things differently and after a short observation said she had some concerns about his 'unusual communication'. She didn't explicitly say ASD but I was very upset and requested a longer follow-up appointment which she agreed to. On that occasion I went armed with a list of his abilities and my observations She reiterated her concerns and asked if I would agree to him being formally assessed. Still sure I just had a very bright and determined little boy on my hands we decided on a referral to speech therapy. We attended speech therapy for a number of weeks and during that time his idiosyncrasies became more obvious, as did his behaviour around other children. I agreed for him to be formally assessed just prior to his 3rd birthday and after a week of assessment at the assessment unit, the diagnosis agreed upon was Mild, High-functioning ASD. There had been input from an Educational Psychologist and through her intervention he got a place at a special needs nursery in April. Thus far, we have been very impressed by how synchronised everything has been (with a little pushing and shoving via e-mail/phonecalls etc) and we feel very positive about the future. We can see so many changes and improvements already as well as more obvious ASD behaviours we are aware of and are more in a position to understand since we did the 5 week 'Cygnet' course which was again very well run locally. He has another appointment with the Paediatritian soon.

Who told you that the grass belonged to the upstairs neighbour? Was it the council and was anything in writing or did you just get told by a housing officer? I used to lived in a tenement as an owner-occupier and was only one of two owners in a tenement of six flats. Myself and the other owner-occupier were the only ones who tidied the communal areas and the garden and quite often the security door was left wedged open. Most of the time we got on well with the tenants in the other flats and just accepted that tenants sometimes don't feel obliged to take care of communal areas although we put up signs if the door problem persisted! The owners in the other flats may have lived there for years and like they say they like things done a certain way. If they don't see you it is quite possible that they also don't know you are sweeping the lobby weekly. Unfortunately, with doors opening and closing the dust quickly reappears and if they are basing their (wrong) opinion of you on the fact that they don't see you sweating mowing the lawn and they may have had bad tenants living next to them in the past then they might be reacting in a knee-jerk sort of way. It may be very difficult for you but you need to speak to at least one of your neighbours and explain where you are coming from. If they gossip together you don't need to speak to them all unless you don't expect the message to be passed on accurately! You only have to say that you are sorry but you were told that the garden was not your responsibility but now you know how often is it cut? In the summer and with the rain it probably needs cut more! Also, say explicitly that you sweep the lobby but do not get defensive and again ask how often it is done etc. If you don't speak to someone soon, the bad feeling will just get worse but once you have agreed on a way forward you don't have to speak to any of them ever again. Just don't get taken for a mug. You need to do your bit and nothing more. Good Luck!

For a while, I had quite a positive channel for questions although not an entirely unstressful one! I had the sanction, within reason, to ask 'Why?/When?/Where?/Who?/How' of various professionals, on the behalf of other people as an advocacy worker. I think I got quite good at wangling information out of people in a persistently nice way and you get to recognise the people who are irritated by you pretty quickly too ! Otherwise, I like to just find out stuff for myself...documentaries, National Geographic and the like. That way I don't get the 'You DO go on!' comments etc xx

Hi Dannabis The psychiatrist for my area won't refer adults for assessment either Seems to be abit of a Postcode Lottery... In hindsight, at Uni I read far too much 'around' a subject, giving myself an awful lot of extra work and so much information it was difficult to condense it down into the 'relevant' information required for each assignment. It also meant that I was aware of (but felt it was not as important) that my classmates were all down the pub or eating out together. It only mattered when I realised that they were still doing better academically and it really stung!! Lynda

Hi Philipo I get what you are saying about the fear of returning to self-employment because of the financial side of things. I've only been putting off doing a little home business (for about 2 years!)because of my concerns about getting all the percentage of takings among other thing wrong. I've been so scared I would tie myself in knots doing all the difficult (for me) but essential parts of the business wrong, even though I know I would be good at the other parts of the job and I hate admitting that I find it so hard. Somebody has contacted me out of the blue this week and it has spurred me into action to get things off the ground and hubby has agreed to check over my calculations and do it if my brain switches off altogether. Is there anyone who can help you with the finances again if you decide to go self-employed again? I've thought that if my business grew I would need to think about whether or not I would need to approach a book-keeper. It just so happens I know 2 people who LOVE book-keeping (???) and would quite like some extra income so it may be that you know someone who could do with a little extra cash in this financial climate? Same goes for the web-design. There could be someone who needs to complete a college assignment or someone who just enjoys doing it for the sake of it (like my sister). I could probably do it but the technical expertise would allude and frustrate me!!! Lynda

I worked self employed for a while doing adverts and community filming but had a motorbike accident last year and am doubting wether to carry on with 'arty' stuff since now I know I'm an asd job and understand myself alot more I'm thinking of taking the 'neurotypical' approach ,i.e. produce somthing contoversial and shocking to make MONEY. I've turned down offers of work from right wing political parties and freinds from the Asian community,I'm so sick of doing films for motorbike clubs ,rockmusic is a timewarp. getting a steady wage is great but ,like many,I feel this is just peeing in the wind thinking I will ever be accepted as 'normal',working for myself is just as hard because I have difficulties staying on track and focus,made worse by spinal/head injuries. Hi Philipo How did you get on when you worked for yourself before and do you still retain contacts with people you have worked for/with? It sounds like you may have got something out of this type of work - though perhaps not money? - and maybe if you've had a break for a while to recover from your accident and go to college you should build on what you have done well/enjoyed before before you jump into the unknown doing 'controversial' stuff. The only difference seems to be now that you know you have an ASD. You always had it and if it fed into how you approached your work in the past or caused you certain difficulties you can now acknowledge, those will be the strength and weaknesses you will still have in any job you pursue. Personally, I think the 'art' world can be both fickle and incestuous so you need to go into it with your eyes wide open. There is pretense all through it - some work is 'controversial' only because certain people endorse it, making it high-end and beyond the reach (and understanding) of joe public (lots of money changing hands / air kissing etc). I get the impression this wouldn't really sit well with you? Or do you mean 'controversial' politically or 'of the people/for the people' stuff? In which case you would still need to create lots of self-publicity or have someone to back you who will spread about how great your stuff is (still WHO you know). I think it all requires a fair amount of 'spin', speaking as someone who saw that the people who talked the talk were the people who appeared to do the best (commercially)when I went to Art College. Hope you make the right decision. Lynda

Thanks for your concern Bid. I've probably had a generalised mood disorder (undiagnosed) for a very long time. I have a followup with the community mental health team shortly, referred to via the psychiatrist I saw recently. I'm very used to being this way, it's just that with kids I've had to find new ways of coping that I didn't require when I was on my own and I'm not quite there yet. To clarify, not every noise that my wee girl makes affects me negatively, just certain ones. She makes some lovely noises and has a wonderful giggle... I was so upset after my first birth as it was very traumatic and took me a long time to come to terms with so I can empathise with you! My brain hs decided to take a holiday today with regards to pasting and replying to other quotes so I hope you don't mind if I discontinue attempts to do it. I've already tried and lost the last reply I wrote so knowing how this bothers me lol... xx

Thanks Darkshine. That's really nice of you. The thing is that the noises aren't loud most of the time, they just seem to affect me (especially when I'm on my own) like nails down a blackboard or the equivalent. The time out thing probably is the best way to deal with things and I think that thumping a pillow is probably quite cathartic too! I think in general I can get frustrated quite easily but some days I am patience personified and think I can take on the world. It would be nice to know in advance which days my patience will dry up but life isn't like that! I have found that is very difficult to discuss these types of difficulties openly. Although I'm pretty sure I don't have PND, even that is talked about in hushed tones or nobody mentions it. I feel very lucky to have children and want to do my best by them. There probably are 'selfish' people out there who don't want kids but in my experience it's more people who CAN'T have kids or choose not to because it would be more selfish for them to have a child due to circumstances. It's very easy in my opinion to have kids that are not really wanted in the first place and who turn out to be abused or neglected. I am aware of families where virtually every child is taken into care due to that fact. Earplugs I think are a brilliant invention. I would have no intention of just sitting there, ignoring cries etc - it really just would be to take the 'edge' off the (like I say, not necessarily loud) noise. I really don't know why it bothers me so much but it probably just reflects my overall mental health meantime unfortunately. It's nice being an auntie too...I was an auntie for many years before I was a mum - enjoy!! I would never feed my kids processed food or sugar tho