Gina3

Hi Nippy, thanks for your suggestions, I'll try Asperclick. I do have a kind of 'mentor' in the shape of my partner. Only the other day, we ran through how I'm going to manage the work christmas drinks! I think I know what you mean when you describe social skills training as artificial xx

Hi WLF, Looking forward to reading your posts!

Hi Eccentric When I said I had an ‘aversion’ to groups, I meant I used to think people acted like sheep, and I didn’t want to be a part of it. It could be any kind of group, from a load of girls all going to the ladies loo together, to whole religions. I don’t have the ability or desire to be a leader, and I find it too horrendously boring to be a follower, trailing round after everyone else. That's how I used to rationalise it .. actually, I think I get bored in groups because I'm kind of invisible and people ignore me, so it's really no fun for me!

PS It was a brilliant idea to start this topic!

Ditto for loud noise, comfy clothes, keeping things in order, over-thinking, fidgeting, leg-bouncing, rambling on and paranoia! Did anyone ever have recurring bad dreams? I used to have one as a kid, where my mother was trying to kill me (maybe based slightly on truth!)

That's an interesting link to people with AS or who are connected with AS in some way. I'm curious about how Michael Palin fit's in though? He seems to have the most amazing people skills and when I watch his travel shows, I don't think I've ever seen anyone who empathises and connects so well with all kinds of people. How can he have AS?

Hm, the community sounds intriguing. Also the book you mention - definitely going to add it to the list of books I want to read

Hi Tanya Yes, ideals don't seem to work out in real life. I remember watching a documentary a few years ago, about life in a commune, where there was supposed to be no heirarchy, but it turned out that a few people worked their way to the top insidiously, and subjugated/intimidated the rest. Last year I read Noam Chomsky's 'Hegemony or Survival - America's Quest for Global Dominance'. It ends with a description of US plans for 'death stars' - satelite controlled space weapons which can strike any target in the world at a moment's notice. Scary! Noam says our only hope of avoiding disaster is people power. I just hope as humans we will evolve beyond our baser instincts. gx

Thanks for clarifying that, I guess I should have read the guidelines first, before diving in! (just found them). About the 'venting area' idea: there's another forum I'm on, not related to ASD, and they have a button which allows you to post things for view by members only if you wish. If you don't tick the box, it is public by default (some of their members would prefer it the other way around). I hadn't noticed the PM button at the top here (being unobservant again!), but that's different because that's just to send a message to one other member? Thanks again for explaining things

I’m fairly new on here, and diagnosed myself not that long ago, so I’m not as knowledgeable about AS as some. One thing that strikes me about this forum is that all the posts seem to be public? I suppose that is a good thing in a way, but I feel like I have to be careful to put a positive spin on everything, and that doesn’t feel honest, but more like an exercise in public relations! I have nothing against people who don’t have AS – how could I have, as that includes everyone I know, including my lovely partner! But I have to admit I do have some kind of rage thing going on inside, after all these years of blundering along socially and getting rejected. By that, I don’t mean I feel like a victim, as I realised long ago that I was the one getting it wrong, not everyone else. As Matzoball says, being bitter doesn’t get anyone anywhere, but sometimes I just feel like I want to let off steam to someone who knows what it’s like, just to feel understood! Sorry, this strayed off the subject of Eccentric's post! I meant to say I see the world in a similar way, though I don't feel 'trapped' in a glass cylinder, more like an observer watching a movie. Also relate to not identifying with groups. I used to pride myself on being an 'individual' because I wasn't part of any group (I had an aversion to them) but in hindsight, I think it makes life much harder, having no group support. I don't know if this outlook on life causes social problems though, or is caused by them? Or maybe they perpetuate each other in a loop ... or just run parallel. I don't know anything about the psychiatric point of view. Would they just see things in terms of making a diagnosis and nothing more?

Or if not everyone, then possibly statistically more than in the general population, maybe

Oh, thanks! There are some bits of Marxism in there but I think it's mostly a manifesto for la-la land! Sad that Marxism didn't work out, even Cuba seems to be embracing capitalism now.

Haha, yes, I suppose that was a bit of a generalisation!

I wonder what would happen if all the Aspies had a country to themselves? It would be run incredibly efficiently I imagine, and all the workers would be rewarded for their hard work and conscientiousness and no-one would be shunned or bullied if they said a clumsy thing or just wanted to be quiet and daydream a bit. There would be no underhand politics, cheating or dishonesty. Wealth would be distributed fairly. There would be nature and wildlife everywhere, no litter, no pollution, no aggressive people. The creative arts and science would be encouraged in every way. In fact it would be heaven!

Hi Dekaspace Your story sounds very familiar, and I know how you feel, as I’m constantly being misunderstood or upsetting people without intending to! This is probably the ‘blind leading the blind’ therefore, but from what I've learnt from my own mistakes, I would advise you to make a big effort to have some friendly banter with the guys. Show them that you actually do value them as people and like them. I've found that even people I think I have nothing in common with at first can turn out to be really amazing when I get to know them. Hopefully, if you put in the effort at winning their friendship, they will be happy to offer a lift etc. Hope you don't let the situation get you down anyway. Onwards and upwards! Gx

I agree memory is a lot to do with what interests us. For example, my NT partner remembers things like actor's names, all the movies they've ever been in, who they were once married to, what awards they've had etc etc - things I have no interest in and don't memorise. On the other hand, I might watch a movie I love many times and will be able to recite a lot of the script word for word, something my partner is bemused by. Needless to say, his way is a lot more useful when we are discussing a movie, as my conversation is more or less just mumbling, "Oh, you know ... what's that actor's name ... what have I seen him in ..."

Hi all This article on Asperger's is really entertaining: http://nymag.com/news/features/autism-spectrum-2012-11/ It's from October 2012, so you might have already seen it. x

I love the stardust idea too. I once dreamt that I died and floated up above the earth and could look down at the planet. At first I was terrified, being separated from all human contact, but then it felt peaceful and euphoric. It didn’t make me believe in life after death, but it was a great dream. For now though, I would just like to revel in being alive! There’s a lot of debate about ‘near death’ experiences. I don’t know anyone who’s had one, but I read a book by Dr Sam Parnia, a hospital doctor who worked in critical care, called ‘What Happens When We Die’. He conducted an experiment to find out if people really did have out-of-body experiences while clinically ‘dead’ on the operating table. His experiment failed unfortunately, because of technical problems, but the book presents many compelling anecdotal accounts from people of all ages and nationalities. Also fascinating is the Stuart Hameroff/Roger Penrose theory about ‘quantum consciousness’, which suggests that consciousness can exist outside of the brain and how human consciousness might be connected to a kind of universal consciousness. This is a link to an interview with Hameroff (the good stuff is in the last 10 minutes, the first 50 minutes is very technical): G

Hi l'anima, I can totally relate to your dilemma, and all the posts in this thread. I think offices are the worst environment for someone with ASD, because of the cliques and gossip. This only seems to happen in offices and I think the best solution, if possible, is to find a different kind of work, where people are more creative, tolerant and broad-minded. From what I've gleaned over the years, I would say If there’s no choice but to work in an office, it’s important not to feel victimised, and to try to see things from the point of view of colleagues, who I suppose are only human and want to be liked. If we come across as stand-offish, they feel we don’t like them and are offended. Easier said than done of course. I usually get it wrong and simply avoid colleagues who seem bitchy or bullying. I remember this one woman saying to her friend, “What is her problem!” which made me want to crawl into a hole for a month. I coped better in my last admin job because, by a fluke, I was in a room with intelligent professionals rather than fellow admin staff, and they seemed to accept me. I still found it exhausting though. The actual workload took up 10% of my energy but being in a room with the same people every day took up 90%. This was especially true if there was just me and one other person, because then I would be forced to talk or endure the uncomfortable silence. By the time I got home at night I would be totally exhausted and want to sleep. I’ve always resented working because it takes up ALL my energy and I have none left to do the things I enjoy. My NT partner on the other hand is energised and recharged by being around people at work and is ready for more socialising afterwards! I think my ideal solution would be to stop wasting all my energy on trying to fit in, and just work from home if I could. Gx

Thanks for the link Tanya, and you totally don't come across as arrogant x

PS Sorry, Tanya, I forget to say, I'm not sure what a sociolinguistic project means - was it to do with social skills? (excuse my ignorance!)x G

Thanks for your message Chell It's amazing and very impressive that you find the energy for your studies as well as all the home schooling. Forensics must be fascinating, although I have to admit my only knowledge of it comes from watching Dexter, and I suspect that's a tad glamourised! It would be nice to know you better too. Hi Tanya You've obviously thought about this a lot, and know a lot about sociolinguistics. I find that reading about things only gets me so far though. My ideal scenario would be to actually role-play these situations and have objective observers say: "You got this wrong." or "Try doing that." I have a kind of super-NT partner, and I've observed him for years, to 'see how he does it' in social situations, as he's extremely good at it, but I could never get the positive reaction from people that he gets. He tells me that I come across as abrupt sometimes and forget to engage in social pleasantries, which I'm trying to work on. It's hard work though, when it all feels like an act, rather than being effortless and innate as it seems to be for him. Gxx

I know what you mean about women collaborating, I once worked with 11 women at a charity, and they were super-efficient team-players, and yes, you're right, men can be very competitive. Sometimes I find myself adopting accents or mannerisms from the person I'm speaking to without intending to! I'm trying to imagine your coping strategy in action .. who would the target person be? Wouldn't they notice you were borrowing their behaviours? Can I ask, what kind of people do you find you can be your true self with? I can do the formulaic social stuff, more or less - I recently got some tips from an old copy of Debrette's Etiquette for Girls e.g. how to do the kissing on the cheek thing: 'present the right cheek first ...' but after that it gets complicated. I find trying to socialise with groups of women really exhausting as, by the time I think of something to say, the conversation has moved on, and if its in a noisy venue, I can't even hear half the things people are saying because of the background noise. One-on-one with women is even worse, as I feel incredibly tense, and I can't just be 'the quiet one' as I am in a group. I think I need a brain transplant!

Hi Chris Your story is very interesting. It sounds like the social skills class made all the difference to fitting in well later on. To me, an office work environment is a kind of hell, and I couldn't be a manager in a million years. Maybe I find work particularly hard as I'm usually in some lowly job that I'm over-qualified for, and my colleagues wonder what I'm doing there. It's hard to know what's normal and what's not. I just started reading '22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know" and I can relate to all of it. What I would love to read though, is an 'idiots guide' comparing how it feels to be an NT, as it's a bit of a mystery to me. G

Hi Tanya Thanks for your reply. I think I need to follow your example and do some research into communication, maybe starting with a book on body language, as I’ve been meaning to do. I’m quite hopeless at communicating with other women: sometimes I’m too familiar, which offends them, but mostly I think I appear cold and/or nervous - I don’t usually attempt friendship overtures as I dread the inevitable rejection. I know that sometimes I bore people – I ramble on about things that interest me and don’t realise until I notice their eyes glazing over, or the stifled yawn. Sometimes I attempt small talk, to ‘fit in’ but I’m no good at it (when I try, I even bore myself). Sometimes I over-compensate and come across as trying too hard or trying to shock. Whatever it is I get wrong, I can only guess later on. Usually I have no idea I’ve pissed someone off until they either ‘tell me off’ (very humiliating, especially as I’m in my fifties now!) or start avoiding me. For some reason, men don’t seem to get upset (why is that?) and I can just be myself with them. Consequently I’m relaxed with men and find it easy to be ‘mates’ with them, which seems to be another thing about me that women don’t understand and maybe don’t like (perhaps they see me as some kind of man-eater, who doesn’t like competition with other women. I'm not ‘one of the girls’) but what can I do? If I didn’t have my two current male friends, I would have none at all! Putting a message on this site is itself quite strange and stressful. As soon as I did it, I wanted to delete it (but couldn’t figure out how). I’m not used to being open about any of this and felt like a mob of NTs would march up my street with flaming torches, and denounce me for being neurotic and self-obsessed. Thanks for your good wishes, Tanya, it’s encouraging. Gx