Need to clear my head

[pingu]

Hi Everyone.

 

I need to have a bit of a mumble about things, so please bear with me. All christmas kieran has been in this really horrible mood. Well i say horrible but i mean one minute he is alright and the next he is like the devils child. At first we put it down to the change in routine and everything, but to be honest we have kept everything pretty much normal for his benefit. Now its starting to grate on everyone. He constantly asks questions to which we dont know the answers, he asks how long until breakfast/dinner/tea/bed/new year/bath/gamecube time etc. and wants the answer in minutes and seconds and if you get the answer wrong he asks again. Im trying really hard not to whinge as i know lots of people are having a bad time right now, but on top of all this he has got this new " habit" ?? of gulping / coughing, which he has started to do constantly. Its not a normal cough, but almost like he is clearing his throat all the time. Even in his sleep he is gulping and making noises, This new habit gets treated with screams from the other two of "BEHAVE DOING THAT" and he looks totally bewildered.

 

And i cant seem to do anything right around here at the moment. I have spent the last week playing with them all, i have engaged in games and "fun" and tried to occupy them, and it all gets thrown back in our faces at bedtime, when they (the eldest and kieran in particular) start playing up. Neither will switch off and settle down, and they constantly annoy their sister who just wants to sleep. Im at my wits end, it feels like i have (sorry WE have) given them as much as we possibly can, and its just not registering on the boys. (now kieran has an excuse but my 14 year old is worse than Kieran and no one will say why)..

 

I need to scream

 

Today has been an endless job of trying to please them all, and yesterday was an endless job of trying to please them all, Ive even tried going on strike and doing nothing to show them what they will be missing if they cant behave and get along, but to be honest i dont think they would notice if i developed a second head !!

 

Anyway. Just needed to get that off my chest, even if that is just the tip of a rather large iceberg. Im worried/frustrated and confused all in one. But i suppose many more feel like that too. Thanks for reading if you have, i hope you all have a very happy new year. xx

Edited December 30, 2006 by pingu

[hev]

pingu my head was going to explode today,i rang up my mum sobbing,had to let it all out,ive no answers,find it all hideous to be honest,im not much help am i!! <'> <'> to you

[jlp]

I hope you have a Happy New Year too.

 

If it's any consolation I only have 2 and I don't feel that I can do anything, we can't go out just me and the boys incase G kicks off (v likely atm) and I can't physically sort him and keep a proper eye on my 3 yr old (who copies G and is a runner too), in the house my little one is a terrible spoiler of games whether on purpose or by accident and G gets furious. We've been stuck in most of the hols as dp is working and I'm bored and grumpy too.

 

Roll on the new school term!

[Suze]

<'> we have been using a SASCO year planner.............you can see the whole of the year marked out in poster form.This has really helped with things that are a few days away or a week off etc.We also get the when is it dinner, teatime etc, the best way to do it for us has been to plan a little the day before, we discuss what we will do, have to eat for dinner etc.I,ve found the most we can plan and discuss the next day together the less anxious he becomes about it.As much as it is a real pain we have to plan what we are going to do, my son can,t cope with a wait and see type scenario.I get exhausted with all the organising the holidays involve , but it always goes better if there is an activity arranged, like a bike ride, or a walk up the local BIG hill .

[oxgirl]

Sorry you're feeling so rotten at the moment, pingu. It's been very similar here as well.

 

For the first week of the hols Jay was so moody and grumpy and clingy and insecure. He seemed to want to be hanging round me all the time and constanting asking silly questions that he knew the answer to and just being very demanding and dissatisfied with everything. Xmas Day and Boxing Day were rotten really, even though we tried our best to try and stay cheerful. Nothing was pleasing him, he was stressed and ratty, just wanted to stay in the house, everything was negative and nothing was good enough. The mere mention of us going out for a stroll was enough to bring on a tantrum!

 

Thankfully, for us, now things seem to have settled down a bit. He is a lot more relaxed and positive. Can only imagine that it was the whole Xmas thing, the anticipation and the inevitable disappointment of it not living up to expectations. Now that it's all over seems like he's breathed a sigh of relief and is back to pretty much 'normal' again!

 

I hope that yours settle down soon and that you can all get some enjoyment out of the rest of the hols. I know what it's like to feel like all your effort is for nothing, it's all about stress and you're trying so hard and things aren't working and you just feel so unvalued. Sorry, Pingu, hope things pick up very soon. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[elun1]

Hi Pingu Sorry you're having such a tough time. I think holidays are a nitemare with ASD children - and in our house Christmas is worst of all. My little one is pretty clueless about xmas and all the issues surrounding it but he senses the change and excitement and it makes him more hyper than ever. Mix in with that all the tactless family comments, mess, christmas dinner and trying to adapt it to a gluten/dairy free version and it's bound to be stressful!!Also my other little boy resents the amount of time I spend sortin out tantrums and often now says 'you prefer him cause he's got autism Autism and Christmas just doesn't mix at least not in this house.

Take care <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

Pingu <'> <'> <'>

 

Our eldest dd has a habit of coughing, which like your ds, sounds as if she is clearing her throat. We took her to the GP last year, and they said it was a habit. She still does it now, more noticeable when she is anxious, and it can be continuous.

 

Our youngest dd has to know the time for everything.......and she has developed a huge obsession with the Sky TV remote over the Xmas hols.....she's took control of it. Now she mutes programmes she struggles to listen to, will change channels as and when, and if CeeBeeBies is on, she wants us to check which programme is coming on after the one she's watching, then the next one, then the next one.......we have to run thru all the programmes till 6.30pm....and she will still ask what programme is coming next while watching the current one, so we have to repeat it again.

 

I think Suze's idea of a planner is great, and may be of help. Can he tell the time? Maybe a watch or clock would help...it did with our youngest dd. So long as she can see a clock, and know exactly what time something is taking place, she's calmer. Any chance you can do things seperately with your kids? That what DH and I do if we can.....it always works out better, than to do things as a whole family.

 

Take care <'> <'>

[pingu]

Thank you guys for the words of advice and support.

 

I have just been upstairs again and had a stern word with them all. I explained that for a full year now we have been having settling down problems on a night, and i have proof. Last new years day i started to keep a diary, and the scary thing is, as i looked through it today i realised that nothing has changed, Oh the stratagies and advice that we have been given has changed more than my weekly wash. But attitude and behaviour, that has stayed the same. Here is an example of what was happening last year around this time.

 

AND I QUOTE (from said diary) ((this was last years years rules))

 

"As it was before: - Bedtime was quite structured due to Kieran?s routines, the problem we had was the amount of time he actually spent completing his routines. After getting ready for bed Liam and Shauna would usually watch a video, read or play whilst Kieran played with his plug. I then put them to bed, only for one of them (usually Kieran) to come back down. In addition to this they would all mess about, ?play spies? and generally be noisy. We realised a while ago that this was becoming a problem, what time we had was constantly interrupted by them in some way.

It seemed that they saw bedtime as an extension of playtime and just carried on without regard for the rules.

 

What we did:- We made it our New Year?s Resolution to regain control of the house, We have purposely left it until now, as the new year always brings about discussion for change and what changes we hope to make in the year ahead. This also makes it easier for Kieran to understand, as he does listen to conversations (even if he appears not to), and he did become involved in this particular topic as we discussed it with the other two prior to our ?start date?.

We have discussed the consequences should they carry on playing up after their bedtime, they are as follows:-

ASLEEP (OR QUIET BY) UP NEXT MORNING

9.30pm 7.30pm

10pm 7am

10.30pm 6.45am

After 10.30 6.30am

 

If there is one thing our three hate it is been woken up in the mornings, I hope they will begin to appreciate the delicacy of time."

 

FIRST DAY =

"1st January 2006 :-

7.30pm: - They all wanted to watch Spiderman tonight, which they did so in Liam?s room

 

8.15pm: - Video turned off, they were messing about so much, there has now been an accident. Liam tried to catch Kieran in the blanket (copying Spiderman and his webs), and he caught Kieran?s tooth in the holes of the blanket so Kieran is now missing one of them the other is incredibly loose.

 

8.30:- The tooth is wrapped up and under the pillow, Kieran back in bed, and all of Shauna?s requests have been carried out again.

 

9pm: - Liam and Shauna messing about, Kieran has re-appeared to play with his plug

 

9.20pm: - I reminded everyone of the rules, and mentioned that sleep tomorrow would be disturbed if this were to carry on. Put back to bed.

9.45pm: - Another bang from upstairs. Kieran had gone to ?play spies? (winding Shauna up until she makes squeaky noises, which then have the boys in stitches) And he had banged his back on the bed whilst trying to dive back into it.

 

10.45pm: - All quiet, occasional giggling

 

11pm: - Another bang and a shout, Kieran again! apparently on his way to the toilet when he trapped his toe under the door, he then slammed the door into the wall !!

 

11.15pm: - Toes have been creamed, Kieran back in Liam?s bed

 

11.45pm Asleep at last, had to move Liam from Kieran?s bed as he was closest to the edge.

 

Ill tell you what...... i wont add any more, as that is pretty much how its been since. (exept for kieran loosing teeth, he hasnt dont that every night, but every thing else is still the same.......

 

Lets just say out of 365 days of this year (well nearly) They have settled 5 times without fuss, (usually when one of them has been unwell) and the other 360 days have been HELL. Humpfffhhhhh

 

I have to keep reminding myself it isnt there fault they are like this..... Or is it???

[cmuir]

Hi Pingu

 

Know EXACTLY what you mean! My son is 5 and has AS. He asks lots of questions anyway, but has for the past year been particularly obsessive about time, wanting to know "which minutes until ...?". He's only just gone to sleep and I'm exhausted. He's been a right little Jekyll and Hyde, calm and a little honey one minute, then like something possessed the next!!!

 

I almost can't wait to get back to work and for Robert for go back to school so that we can all get some kind of normality back (must sound awful, but I almost dread holidays - although I do love spending time with Robert).

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[butterfingersbimbo]

oh no am sorry to hear that you are having a nightmare....i really wonder how i coped before el went on melatonin, as she wouldnt settle either and would just fall asleep in the middle of something, usually on the stairs..... but i am lucky cos i only have el to contend with.....

 

am not sure what to suggest tbh but wanted to send you a hug and some positive vibes...... <'>

[JsMum]

I have been running a evening routine and has been running really well would you like a summary?

 

I could help with emailing you a visual routine plan

 

Js DVD, PS2 and internet all go off at 7pm on a school night and TV off at 8pm and No Tv on in his bedroom at all, he has a bath and story and left with a cd and soft lighting, J can be very easliy stimulated and distracted so I need to keep it as calming and relaxing as possible using all the sences to help him detress.

 

We have both worked really hard to establish an evening routine and the settling starts with an early evening activity, and works up until he is asleep so the planning and organsing is very detailed and planned.

 

the plan also helps me as well establish what he needs, so when he is out the bath he needs his Pjs and then supper and so I am getting them ready, the work is hard but worth it after the effects start to work, J insists on his routine, he doesnt like it when the rules bend or waver, he tries hard to get to have just five more mins on his PS2 but in the end the price is not worth it later if I where to let him, I always give him warnings that the time is 7pm and we have digital clocks everywhere for him to see the time.

 

The nights that J doesnt settle very well are the ones where routine has slided or stimulation has been too high, with J watching Spider man he actaully thinks its real, he cant stinguish between reality and fanticy and so he thinks he can do what he sees on the TV, and spiderman is a very fast active movie.

 

if you want some support then pm me and i will give u my email so i can send you a plan but personalised and individulised for you child,

 

jsmum

[pingu]

Thanks Jsmum. Any help would be great, would it still work if we add the 14 year old into the equation? He is absolutly determined to spoil any routine we might have. and half the time if i can settle him then kieran follows suit, but the eldest is the worst one for not been able to switch off.

 

Thanks again though. your offer of help is appriciated.

 

shaz

[JsMum]

Thanks Jsmum. Any help would be great, would it still work if we add the 14 year old into the equation? He is absolutly determined to spoil any routine we might have. and half the time if i can settle him then kieran follows suit, but the eldest is the worst one for not been able to switch off.

 

Thanks again though. your offer of help is appriciated.

 

shaz

 

Hi I have just revisited some sites that me and J did together when we researched why sleep is important and what happens to our bodies when we are asleep, and mostly important what happens to us when we dont sleep.

 

one of the sites may appeal to your Teen, its very interactive and educational with fun, the site is on the sleepfoundation and its called the DOZE Family.

 

It goes into their sleep difficulties and explains the reason why the Doze members are having difficulties with Falling to sleep, I am mentioning it on here in case any one here is interested.

 

there is also a few other websites that go into teens and sleep difficulties.

 

the routine plan for your teenager can be adapted to him, even adults can have an evening routine planner, there is no age limit, it may even be fun for your teen to do one for himself using a digital camera and taking key photos of what he is to do before bed.

 

with younger children they get a star for each individual task and the stars add up for a voucher to go some where they want to go, or do, or a certain treat.

 

this could still be so with the teen instead its tokens or similair with a treat at the end if they have collected enough points.

 

Researching sleep will, in a way, be easier for your teen as he can find the information easier, its something you could do with him and you could ask him to help adapt a routine plan for your youngest son, again taking pictures of key tasks, such as dressing into pJs and brushing teeth, having a story, getting into bed, settling ect.....

 

one of the things the doze family explained is why we cant sleep when we are anxious or stressed and that is because our bodies release cortizol a hormone, and that alerts our senses and gives our muscles energy so it is very interesting.

 

I really dont mind helping with the planners or emailing you one that J has done in the past.

 

www.sleepfoundation.org/doze/

 

www.sleepfoundation.org/hottopics/index.php?secid=14&id=284

 

www.sleepfoundation.org/hottopics/index.php?secid=18&id=205

 

another good one is

 

www.sleepsoundly.com/TeensAndSleep.aspx

 

JsMum

[pingu]

Hi Jsmum.

Thankyou so much for that information. I love the idea of the doze family and i will show it to liam when he gets back. I really appriciate that. I will pm you my email details, thanks again.

 

shaz

[suzy]

Hi Everyone.

 

I need to have a bit of a mumble about things, so please bear with me. All christmas kieran has been in this really horrible mood. Well i say horrible but i mean one minute he is alright and the next he is like the devils child. At first we put it down to the change in routine and everything, but to be honest we have kept everything pretty much normal for his benefit. Now its starting to grate on everyone. He constantly asks questions to which we dont know the answers, he asks how long until breakfast/dinner/tea/bed/new year/bath/gamecube time etc. and wants the answer in minutes and seconds and if you get the answer wrong he asks again. Im trying really hard not to whinge as i know lots of people are having a bad time right now, but on top of all this he has got this new " habit" ?? of gulping / coughing, which he has started to do constantly. Its not a normal cough, but almost like he is clearing his throat all the time. Even in his sleep he is gulping and making noises, This new habit gets treated with screams from the other two of "BEHAVE DOING THAT" and he looks totally bewildered.

 

And i cant seem to do anything right around here at the moment. I have spent the last week playing with them all, i have engaged in games and "fun" and tried to occupy them, and it all gets thrown back in our faces at bedtime, when they (the eldest and kieran in particular) start playing up. Neither will switch off and settle down, and they constantly annoy their sister who just wants to sleep. Im at my wits end, it feels like i have (sorry WE have) given them as much as we possibly can, and its just not registering on the boys. (now kieran has an excuse but my 14 year old is worse than Kieran and no one will say why)..

 

I need to scream

 

Today has been an endless job of trying to please them all, and yesterday was an endless job of trying to please them all, Ive even tried going on strike and doing nothing to show them what they will be missing if they cant behave and get along, but to be honest i dont think they would notice if i developed a second head !!

 

Anyway. Just needed to get that off my chest, even if that is just the tip of a rather large iceberg. Im worried/frustrated and confused all in one. But i suppose many more feel like that too. Thanks for reading if you have, i hope you all have a very happy new year. xx

 

 

Hi! i know excatly what you mean! my son is nine and his behaviour in the last three months has totally gone down hill and im sure the constant questions like how many stars excatly are there in the sky? and his obsessions (he has obsession with time!) are ways to push me! i never truly know with him if he is winding me up! but if im short with him i have that guilty twang then have to have more patience with him. then his twin brother notices, and it is so hard! as he is so good and always gives in to his bother for the "quiet life" then yet another guilty twang for his brother, he says he understands jack but i dont understand him so how could jacob!!!! i feel totally exsasparated (hope i spelt that right!!) i feel that whenever im in the same room i'm constantly shouting his name or always having a go, i want to have fun with him not a simple board game ends in WW3! jacob and i are so close and i crave that with jack but we always ends up at logger heads with each other. please tell me this is his age and it will pass!!! a good cry helps me then a good slug of wine! i do hope your new year gets alot better i always try to look back at good days and not the bad ones otherwise i would be on the bottle an da whole lot else!!! But doesn't it melt your heart when they tell you they love you!!! worth every tantrum!! good luck and happy new year xx

[MelowMeldrew]

Sorry you're feeling so rotten at the moment, pingu. It's been very similar here as well.

 

For the first week of the hols Jay was so moody and grumpy and clingy and insecure. He seemed to want to be hanging round me all the time and constanting asking silly questions that he knew the answer to and just being very demanding and dissatisfied with everything. Xmas Day and Boxing Day were rotten really, even though we tried our best to try and stay cheerful. Nothing was pleasing him, he was stressed and ratty, just wanted to stay in the house, everything was negative and nothing was good enough. The mere mention of us going out for a stroll was enough to bring on a tantrum!

 

Thankfully, for us, now things seem to have settled down a bit. He is a lot more relaxed and positive. Can only imagine that it was the whole Xmas thing, the anticipation and the inevitable disappointment of it not living up to expectations. Now that it's all over seems like he's breathed a sigh of relief and is back to pretty much 'normal' again!

 

I hope that yours settle down soon and that you can all get some enjoyment out of the rest of the hols. I know what it's like to feel like all your effort is for nothing, it's all about stress and you're trying so hard and things aren't working and you just feel so unvalued. Sorry, Pingu, hope things pick up very soon. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

My son is exactly the same,he followed me room to room is very clingy, and is constantly repeating the same questions all the time, and apparently oblivious to any explanations. When I try to encourage some sort of independancy,he gets aggressive, and confrontational, Nothing I do makes any difference. He needs his routines, and I suspect Xmas where we relax them, throws him, even when we encourage. There is no independant ideas coming from him, unless we do everything he gets upset, and reverts to running around waving his arms about again. We took him shopping with us, and we were a bit overloaded, we asked him to carry one bag with a book in it we bought him, and got a real going over, he refused threw it in the road and ran off, it was very upsetting I had to put the shopping down and run after him, when he got back he still refused to carry anything. He's started to scratch me all the time as well now.... and conversing in baby talk, which is a new thing for him..... any time you sit him down and start to encourage conversations etc, he reverts to this baby-talk effectively ending it. ANY ideas ?