Almost lynched at soft play

[jlp]

I took ds#2 (3) to soft play today after nursery to meet our friends. I was approached by the supervisor who was going around asking who's child he was to be told he'd scratched 3 children. One was being carried by a different woman and had blood running down his face and wasn't very happy (I apologised profusely). I went to get ds who was still playing where I'd last seen him and he looked quite happy as if nothing had happened.

 

So get back to my seat feeling sick then the tears start. My friend said I should really find out who the children's mothers were and apologise (I would have anyway but wanted to stop crying!) I tried to calm down, found the first mum who was part of a large group (easy to find by the glares we were getting) and apologised but by then I was crying - they were quite unpleasant. I understand they were none too thrilled at having their child scratched (I never found out who's child in the group he actually was as they were all having a go) but I was apologising and obviously upset.

 

They point out the other child who I'd seen earlier who was now with his mum and I went to apologise to her. She was lovely and that made me cry even harder - you know when you start really crying and can't even breathe. Then I felt even worse for crying all over her. By now I think everyone in the place was staring at me.

 

So go back to my seat and I really couldn't breathe at all even with my inhaler. I've neevr had one but it felt like a panic attack must feel like. Get our stuff together and leave having made as big a spectacle of myself as possible. I will never darken their doors again!

 

It feels like same old same old again. I already have one child who I can't go anywhere with as he's likely to hurt other people I can't do this with ds#2. I don't know how I missed it happening either as I'm always on edge when out anyway due to ds#1s childhood.

 

It also seems like such an extreme thing for a 3 yr old to do - to scratch a child's face until he drew blood, and 2 other children too. None of my friend's children are so violent.

 

I almost rang the HV (but didn't as I cried all afternoon instead) but don't think he has asd - I've had worries before but he does play with imagination and we've had none of the quirky things (liking lampshades and fans etc) that we had with ds#1.

 

Ds#2 started nursery in November and has gotten worse since then I think. He's usually very whingy and prone to tantrums afterwards for a good few hours. It could be because he sees more tantrums, throwing things, hitting at home (ds#1) than the average 3 yr old would.

 

Just feeling really fed up and tearful today and thought most people here wouldn't mind listening to me, I dare say most here have had a sense of being the social pariah on occasion. I've never reacted likeI did today before even with ds#1 - I've shed tears before but never sobbed so hard in public I really couldn't breathe.

 

It must be lovely to be able to go out with your children and not be on edge the whole time.

 

The ds#1 came home and has reached 'level 2 Padawan' at school by getting his 10th 'light sabre' for a good day - 2 extremes of behavior in one day.

[Devon mum]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

Hope the tears help to clear your head - they were obviously coming for a long time and this was just the catalyst.

Keep an open mind about little one too.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[venus]

I took ds#2 (3) to soft play today after nursery to meet our friends. I was approached by the supervisor who was going around asking who's child he was to be told he'd scratched 3 children. One was being carried by a different woman and had blood running down his face and wasn't very happy (I apologised profusely). I went to get ds who was still playing where I'd last seen him and he looked quite happy as if nothing had happened.

 

So get back to my seat feeling sick then the tears start. My friend said I should really find out who the children's mothers were and apologise (I would have anyway but wanted to stop crying!) I tried to calm down, found the first mum who was part of a large group (easy to find by the glares we were getting) and apologised but by then I was crying - they were quite unpleasant. I understand they were none too thrilled at having their child scratched (I never found out who's child in the group he actually was as they were all having a go) but I was apologising and obviously upset.

 

They point out the other child who I'd seen earlier who was now with his mum and I went to apologise to her. She was lovely and that made me cry even harder - you know when you start really crying and can't even breathe. Then I felt even worse for crying all over her. By now I think everyone in the place was staring at me.

 

So go back to my seat and I really couldn't breathe at all even with my inhaler. I've neevr had one but it felt like a panic attack must feel like. Get our stuff together and leave having made as big a spectacle of myself as possible. I will never darken their doors again!

 

It feels like same old same old again. I already have one child who I can't go anywhere with as he's likely to hurt other people I can't do this with ds#2. I don't know how I missed it happening either as I'm always on edge when out anyway due to ds#1s childhood.

 

It also seems like such an extreme thing for a 3 yr old to do - to scratch a child's face until he drew blood, and 2 other children too. None of my friend's children are so violent.

 

I almost rang the HV (but didn't as I cried all afternoon instead) but don't think he has asd - I've had worries before but he does play with imagination and we've had none of the quirky things (liking lampshades and fans etc) that we had with ds#1.

 

Ds#2 started nursery in November and has gotten worse since then I think. He's usually very whingy and prone to tantrums afterwards for a good few hours. It could be because he sees more tantrums, throwing things, hitting at home (ds#1) than the average 3 yr old would.

 

Just feeling really fed up and tearful today and thought most people here wouldn't mind listening to me, I dare say most here have had a sense of being the social pariah on occasion. I've never reacted likeI did today before even with ds#1 - I've shed tears before but never sobbed so hard in public I really couldn't breathe.

 

It must be lovely to be able to go out with your children and not be on edge the whole time.

 

The ds#1 came home and has reached 'level 2 Padawan' at school by getting his 10th 'light sabre' for a good day - 2 extremes of behavior in one day.

[venus]

hi, sorry did something wrong with last post have not got a clue how to delete it but this is what i meant to say, i feel really sorry for you today ,i too have had a few bad moments but i would like to say that my three year old son also copies what my nearly 6 year old asd son does and not always for the better. I do not think 3 year old has asd but because he sees a lot of bad behaviour in his home I suppose he thinks its normal to behave like that as well, he really does not know any different , hope this helps a bit

[brooke]

im so sorry <'> its alful when things like this happen. And its not like you could have stopped it if you didnt see it happening he might of been provoked. Im also sorry the mums werent understanding i think some people just like to have something or someone to have a go at.

Ive noticed myself getting so updet recently i cant breath i think its like a panic attack i hope you feel better soon and dont beat yourself up all children can be naughty sometimes you should see mineDS1 is going through a lovely phase of spitting and saying "your dead" (picked up from school i might add) nice Prob shouldnt laugh but what else can you do.

Brooke

[loulou]

Hi,

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

So sorry to hear what you've been through today. It's a sad fact that some people are just plain nasty when it comes down to things like this. They gang up like a bunch of hyenas. Obviously their children are 100% perfect all the time (not).

 

You poor thing <'> <'> .

 

Have you asked your little boy what happened? It might be that the others were picking on him and he lashed out. This sort of thing has happened before with Kai and I HATE taking him to these places, but he loves it so i take him and follow him EVERYWHERE. I often have to intervene when someone's little darling starts winding him up because i know if he retaliates, he'll get the blame for it all.

 

I'm not suprised you have cried so much. I'm sure you will feel much better about it tomorrow though <'> <'> .

 

Loulou xx

[bikergal]

Take care, and don't worry about making a spectacle of yourself in public...it happens to the best of us. It seems to me that society in general is far less tolerant these days, but please don't let it stop you going out. You obviously needed that release in crying, don't be ashamed. I hope you're feeling a little better about it all now. You're among friends here

 

<'> <'> <'>

[phoebe]

Poor you, I can imagine exactly how you felt.

 

Recently, I was given an IEP for my daughter by her nursery school. I was so shocked. It was about social interaction and wanting to follow her own agenda. I was so shocked, she is so totally different from DS and I have never even considered that she might be on the spectrum.

 

I have been through all sorts of public dressing downs and humiliations when out with DS and can only just cope with that most of the time. The very thought that history might repeat itself is too much to contemplate.

 

I can totally identify with your response ....... <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I am sure you will talk to DS2 about it - you probably have already.

 

I really hope that you are feeling a bit more in control now. Wish there was an emoticon for giving an "up yours" to all those judgemental people who haven't got a clue!!!!

 

Take care of you

Phoebe

[Flora]

jlp

 

I don't have time for a long reply... but wanted to tell you... which may reassure you a bit.... when Bill was little he used to do this alot. For no reason at all... he'd just reach over and scratch another child's face... he did it most at nursery but could do it anywhere there were groups of kids. There was never a visible trigger... and like you I used to feel sick about it....I'd get very upset because I knew he was a nice boy really but it is such a horrible visible attack when a child has his face scratched.... I'd dread the nursery teacher coming up to me when I went to pick him up.

 

Fast forward several years... Bill is now 13 and you couldn't meet a more gentle none violent child...

 

I know it's no consolation to you now when you are feeling upset and demoralised.... but they DO grow out of it.

 

Take care... wish I had time to type more

 

Love Flora <'>

[Suze]

<'> , feel for you, those soft play areas are just the worst place in the world .My son had a biting thing going on, and on several occasions I had to cry ,apologise and run from a party/venue when he,d had a good bite of another child.You sound like todays incident triggered alot of anxiety in you,I can understand why this upset you so much, but take care, try not to worry suzex

[Bagpuss]

jlp, so sorry you were met with such a lack of empathy Let me share something awful which happened to us a couple of years back....... We all went to Wacky Warehouse (me, DH, DS, and both DD's). Our youngest dd was about 4 at the time and had been quite aggressive towards any child or baby she saw in a buggy or pram. We had to watch her like a hawk, and going out, even to the shops was proving to be really difficult and stressful. Anyhow, we were sat in the WW, and watching her as closely as we could, when she darted past our table. DH and I both stood up immediately, and ran after her, but she'd reached a table behind us, and hit a new born baby on its head. Thankfully it didn't flinch, or wake up, but we were mortified. We immediately apologised to the father, who was sat with it, and explained our dd's difficulties. The father was furious, and very physically agressive, threatening to thump DH. It got really heated, with everyone watching, us apologising profusely, and then the mum arrived and started shouting that kids like ours shouldn't be allowed out. The father then got on his mobile to ring his mates for back up, and told DH he'd "have him" when we left. It was the worst experience of our lives, and I felt completely humiliated. We left shortly afterwards, and managed to get to our car safely, but it put me off going out as a family for a long, long while. It really scared me how some parents were capable of reacting. Your not alone, and I hope sharing our story has shown you that and helped in some small way. DD now plays wonderfully in the WW, and has shown absolutely no aggressive behaviour for well over a year. I think it's fair enough that a parent should be concerned if their child is hurt in some way, but they could of shown alittle more understanding, given how distressed you were. Take care <'> <'> <'>

Edited February 9, 2007 by Bagpuss

[Vix]

<'> <'>

 

Why do some people get so wound up about their kids getting hurt? Things like that are bound to happen when a load of kids run riot in a soft play. DS1 got bitten once by a child at a soft play and his mum came over to tell me (well, she actually said her son had "fallen" on to my DS and left big teeth marks in back!!) but I wasn't that bothered tbh, they always recover pretty quickly. This was before Kyle had been dx'ed (he was only a baby then) so it's not like I had any reason to be so laid back about it, I just don't see the point of making a fuss.

 

Kyle is a horror in soft play, he doesn't play on the equipment he just hunts around for food and drink so will steal people's food! Someone did complain about him once but when I explained about his ASD they brought him a free plate of chips (although he still went crawling round the floor looking for dropped food to eat!)

 

A few of the softplays round here have special needs evenings, maybe that is something you could enquire about? I haven't actually been becasue they seem to be too late. (7pm, which is bedtime in this house)

 

Take care.

 

Vicky

 

xx

[krystaltps]

<'> <'> <'> Soft-play is EVIL (evil, I tell you!!). The kids are wound up to a frenzy in such a physical play environment - it can become like a scene from Lord of the Flies!

We had an awful "social pariah" moment in soft-play last month, with an evil, vindictive mother gunnning for me and DS1.

I'm having problems with my DS2 at the moment as well. He's been doing really sneaky things, like dipping DS1s toothbrush in the toilet, , and some violent things - DD got kicked in the back tonight. All this from a wee lad who's usually an angel. As he is 7, he is able to tell me why he is doing these things. Basically, he's cheesed off with DS1. He says he's always hurting him, winding him up and saying really nasty things. He knows he shouldn't, but he just wants some revenge, even if that means taking it out on DD.

I can see where he's coming from, we all have a hard time because of DS1, and DS2 probably puts up with more than most, bless him. He's just got the stage where he's had enough (I can relate to that! ). Have tried to chat with him about it, given him some extra TLC and attention - so we'll see how it goes.

Could it be possible your DS2 is maybe feeling the same way, and taking it out on other kids too? With him being so little, he maybe doesn't have the words to tell you that he's cheesed off.

Just a thought.....

[Pippin]

"and then the mum arrived and started shouting that kids like ours shouldn't be allowed out"

 

....at least with us all it's only the kids who "shoudn't be allowed out!!! " With that bunch it's the whole damn family!!!

 

....and we've got reasons.....what have they got?

 

And remember...if anyone threatens you like that again...phone the police. One child clonking another is NEVER an excuse for adults to threaten violence.

[elun1]

<'> jlp <'>

So sorry for you when I read your post. My youngest ds with autism creates many many problems when we out and about but it always seems worse somehow when my eldest ds behaves badly. In some sense I just can't cope when it's both of them although this is unfair on elder ds as all children are naughty sometimes.

I can remember my older boy going through a similar stage at playgroup. When he was 3 he used to throw sand in other children's eyes unless supervised very very carefully which is impossilble if you have more than one child. Remember some horrible looks and comments from other mums but looking back their children all behaved badly at times too - all toddlers so it from time to time. I really feel for you and wish could say something more helpful

Try and take care - love Elun <'> <'> <'> <'>

[dooday24]

shannon copies reeces behaviour it can be awful hope u r feeling abit better lv donnaxx

[hev]

i know exactly how you feel,when steve was toddler i used to take him to tumble tots,looking back why i kept taking him i dont know,it was torture,i was a nervous wreck following him around,i just knew if anything happened steve would be amongst it!!

 

my katie was pushed while waiting to go in nursery but i wouldnt dream of having row with the other mother,i know its just kids being kids,i dont understand why these mothers go mad as though their child has been hospitalised by our child!!

 

my worst thing was we was at mother and toddlers when steve was 3 and it was a girls birthday and they presented the girl with a bead necklace from everyone,steve ran up and pulled it right off her neck,it all went silent and i was on my hands and knees trying to pick themup obviously he shouldnt have done it but not one mother tried to make me feel better,i was in tears and they could see that,i went home sobbing,i never went back,it was one of them groups where you get a cliquey group of mums probably talking about flower arranging,i wouldnt know what they was talking about cos i wasent invited to their group i was too busy chasing steve round the hall and shouting

[forbsay]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear that you had a horrible day yesterday. Hope today has been a bit better for you.

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

xx

[jlp]

I'm sorry for not replying earlier (dp has been off work with a hurt back and I haven't had much PC time) but I wanted to say a true thank you to those who replied - you were so kind and it really does help that other people have been in the same situation.

 

Ds#2 is still being quite challenging (but it seems to be mainly after nursery for a few hours when he's really hard work then he settles back down a bit) but I've resisted the urge to ring Health Visitors, Child and Family Centres etc! His nursery teacher says he seems a bit happier this week (but I didn't know he wasn't).

 

A mum approached me at school today and asked if I was feeling better after the incident. She was really nice but it doesn't help that I have been officially spotted wailing and sobbing in public - what can you do though?!

 

Off to see the GP next week in the hope that I can be prescribed a nice antidepressant in the hope of sailing serenely through the havoc that we wreck every time we leave the house instead of crying. Am already on antidepressants but everything seems to be making me cry atm!