Accommodation Problem

[Mumble]

I want to know how a NT would deal with this situation, so I know how (if at all) to approach it or whether I'm just being over-sensitive.

 

I'm a post-grad uni student. I had been living in shared houses, but these were a complete disaster, most of which was my fault because I couldn't cope with the give and take of sharing, people moving things, sensory issues, having to pretend that I really want to know how someone's day was etc. The difficulties culminated in me having a huge meltdown at college, and me saying I'd rather leave college than continue living in a shared house. Anyway, the university ended up putting me into one of their halls of residence, which has been so much better - I'm in quite a traditional hall and there are strict rules about behaviour, noise, etc. Although I still have problems with noise, this is no more (in fact I think less) than it would be elsewhere, and I use earplugs etc to try and cope as best I can.

 

I had a problem from as soon as I moved in (in January) however in that the person above me smokes (which isn't allowed) and throws their lit cigarettes out of the window which land outside my window (I'm on the ground floor). The smoke from these comes in through my window (we have vents that are open all the time, so closing the window isn't an option - and I shouldn't have to anyway) and makes my room smokey. I have huge problems sensory wise and the smell of the smoke makes me feel very ill and disorientated (it's a bit difficult to explain) and I find it almost impossible to concentrate on my work. I went to the residence office (which took a heck of a lot of courage) and mentioned this at the beginning of February and they said they'd send a senior student to speak to the student above me because they were breaking the rules. Whether this was done or not I don't know, because the problem continued. I went back to the residence office at the beginning of April and spoke to the deputy manager who said she would talk to the student. I thought this had been done, because the problem stopped, but it turns out the student concerned had gone home for the holidays. He/She (I don't know who the student is) is now back and the problem is back - in fact it's worse because I'd like to have my window open during the day now it's warmer.

 

I respect the fact that people have a choice about whether they smoke or not. That is not my issue here. However, I think it is my right not to have to put up with someone else's smoke, particularly when it has such an impact on me and when it is against the rules.

 

I do not know what to do now - all I know is that this is making me very unhappy, that it affecting my study and that I have no idea what to do next. I'm too scared to go back to the residence office - I don't want to loose my room for next year because they think I'm someone who complains too much. Is it just an AS issue I have that I should put up with? How should I deal with this?

 

Mumble

[baddad]

I want to know how a NT would deal with this situation, so I know how (if at all) to approach it or whether I'm just being over-sensitive.

 

I'm a post-grad uni student. I had been living in shared houses, but these were a complete disaster, most of which was my fault because I couldn't cope with the give and take of sharing, people moving things, sensory issues, having to pretend that I really want to know how someone's day was etc. The difficulties culminated in me having a huge meltdown at college, and me saying I'd rather leave college than continue living in a shared house. Anyway, the university ended up putting me into one of their halls of residence, which has been so much better - I'm in quite a traditional hall and there are strict rules about behaviour, noise, etc. Although I still have problems with noise, this is no more (in fact I think less) than it would be elsewhere, and I use earplugs etc to try and cope as best I can.

 

I had a problem from as soon as I moved in (in January) however in that the person above me smokes (which isn't allowed) and throws their lit cigarettes out of the window which land outside my window (I'm on the ground floor). The smoke from these comes in through my window (we have vents that are open all the time, so closing the window isn't an option - and I shouldn't have to anyway) and makes my room smokey. I have huge problems sensory wise and the smell of the smoke makes me feel very ill and disorientated (it's a bit difficult to explain) and I find it almost impossible to concentrate on my work. I went to the residence office (which took a heck of a lot of courage) and mentioned this at the beginning of February and they said they'd send a senior student to speak to the student above me because they were breaking the rules. Whether this was done or not I don't know, because the problem continued. I went back to the residence office at the beginning of April and spoke to the deputy manager who said she would talk to the student. I thought this had been done, because the problem stopped, but it turns out the student concerned had gone home for the holidays. He/She (I don't know who the student is) is now back and the problem is back - in fact it's worse because I'd like to have my window open during the day now it's warmer.

 

I respect the fact that people have a choice about whether they smoke or not. That is not my issue here. However, I think it is my right not to have to put up with someone else's smoke, particularly when it has such an impact on me and when it is against the rules.

 

I do not know what to do now - all I know is that this is making me very unhappy, that it affecting my study and that I have no idea what to do next. I'm too scared to go back to the residence office - I don't want to loose my room for next year because they think I'm someone who complains too much. Is it just an AS issue I have that I should put up with? How should I deal with this?

 

Mumble

 

 

Hi mumble.....

I think what I would do in your situation is speak to the person in the room above after buying them an ashtray. I'd say the chances of them stopping smoking in their room without causing a big stink (excuse pun) are minimal, but if you explain the effect their smouldering butts have on you they might be more conscientious about how they dispose of them(?)

That does put you in an uncomfortable position I know, and they may just turn round and tell you to stick it, but if that does happen at least you'll know the score and will feel less uncomfortable about reporting the problem again. perhaps if that did happen you could ask about a room swap the next time somewhere on an upper floor comes up (or on the groundfloor where there are no butts in evidence).

As far as the 'Rules' things go, I'd write that off as a lost cause: two types of people that tend to dig their heels in and take umbrage - 19 year old students and thwarted smokers!

 

L&P

 

Clare Rayner

[Mumble]

Hi Baddad,

 

Thanks for your suggestions - unfortunately, I don't think they'll work. The reason students aren't allowed to smoke in their rooms is because there are highly sensitive smoke alarms in each room, which is why this student is throwing them out the window.

 

Also, I'm too scared to face this student

 

I can't move because the hall's full and the bottom corridor where I am is reserved for post-grads/special needs as it's quieter and near the residence office and porter's desk. Plus, I shouldn't have to move from a room that I'm comfortable in just because someone else can't be bothered to walk the 100 yards to the smoking room.

 

But thanks for your advice. Maybe I should just accept that this is my problem and put up with it.

 

Mumble

[Bagpuss]

If it were me Mumble I'd tackle the student involved, but I can understand why this would worry you, and in the past I've been wary of confronting neighbours about issues. If that failed, I'd go back to the person you have complained to, and complain again, more forcefully. Is there anyone who could either speak to the student on your behalf, or make a further complaint for you? Didn't you mention a mentor in a previous post....would they offer assistance? If this fails, and moving rooms is out of the question, the only alternative I can see is that you extinguish the cigs yourself by pouring water on them, so the smoke doesn't come into your room. Sorry, don't think I've been much help

[oxgirl]

Mumble, is there any way you could slip a note under this student's door? Try and make it quite light and humorous, maybe, just asking them to stub it out before they chuck it out, or something? That way they would be made aware of the problem, if they haven't already been made aware of it.

Otherwise, Bagpuss's suggestion of tipping a glass of water over it as it hits the deck could work.

 

Take care. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pumpkinpie]

Personally I wouldnt tackle the student personally.The halls have a no smoking policy and they should be tackling the student about it, its a fire hazard. I would tell them its still hapening and how its affecting you. Tell them you either want them to stop it or you want to change room with this student so they are on the ground floor instead!

[baddad]

Hi Baddad,

 

Thanks for your suggestions - unfortunately, I don't think they'll work. The reason students aren't allowed to smoke in their rooms is because there are highly sensitive smoke alarms in each room, which is why this student is throwing them out the window.

 

Also, I'm too scared to face this student

 

I can't move because the hall's full and the bottom corridor where I am is reserved for post-grads/special needs as it's quieter and near the residence office and porter's desk. Plus, I shouldn't have to move from a room that I'm comfortable in just because someone else can't be bothered to walk the 100 yards to the smoking room.

 

But thanks for your advice. Maybe I should just accept that this is my problem and put up with it.

 

Mumble

 

 

Hi mumble -

 

The ashtray suggestion was so they could put it out properly rather than a suggestion that they smoke indoors, and so - if they were reasonable about it - you wouldn't have to 'report' them again...

You're absolutely right that you

shouldn't have to move from a room that I'm comfortable in just because someone else can't be bothered to walk the 100 yards to the smoking room.

But the person involved ISN'T going to see it that way... at least talking to them directly gives them the option of solving it amicably.

 

Of course in an ideal world reporting the problem again would resolve the issue, but two warnings hasn't made a difference and I doubt a third would either. A 'threat' of losing accommodation from the residence office may stop them, but I suspect it would prove very unhelpful in your personal relationships with other students. Not fair, I know, but probably the case.

[pearl]

You are having a rotten time at the moment arent you hun? <'> J would feel just the same, he cant abide the smell of smoke, I'm NT & I too would struggle with this.

 

The student above is breaking the rules - end of. Keep on complaining to the halls manager or whatever till its stopped. I wouldnt tackle the student. Why should you have to? Hope it works out ok.

Edited May 1, 2007 by pearl

[chriss]

What is on the floor outside your room? If it's grass them in this weather it will get very dry soon and throwing lit cigs on it could be a fire risk?

 

Is there a student council for the halls you are in? Perhaps there is someone on it you might be able to approach for help?

Failing that mention it to the gardener or cleaners. Somebody has to pick those butts up so you won't be the only person annoyed by them.

 

Good luck with it. I think if the person doing this had any real idea of how unpleasant it is for you they would stop. Unfortunately so many smokers feel victimised these days.

[Bard]

Mumble wrote:

 

I want to know how a NT would deal with this situation, so I know how (if at all) to approach it or whether I'm just being over-sensitive.

 

I go with pearl and pumpkinpie.

As an NT with a high sensitivity to smoke that makes my eyes water and gives me sore throats and a cough, I would be very annoyed indeed. I would not tackle such an irresponsible, indifferent law-breaker.

They are flouting the rules and invalidating the hall of residence's insurance policy by ignoring a H & S rule.

I would complain to the residence offices, or write if I was a more sensitive individual who wasn't spoiling for a fight.

I think you have been incredibly long-suffering, this has been going on far too long.

By now I would have invaded the smoking room ( what indulgence!), with a fire extinguisher.

Several times.

Come to think of it, there's a bank holiday coming up and I owe myself a birthday treat.

Say the word, and The Extinguisher is on her way.

Edited May 1, 2007 by Bard

[Mumble]

I suspect it would prove very unhelpful in your personal relationships with other students. Not fair, I know, but probably the case.

Well for that to be a problem, I would need to have some sort of personal relationship with the other students. This lot don't bully me or anything like that - they just totally ignore me - I'm the strange quiet one who actually works at university and who sits in the corner of the dining hall by herself or walks around with an MP3 player of ear-plugs jammed in her ears.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies - the fact that some of them are contradictory isn't a problem, it just shows that there isn't an easy solution I've failed to see. I can't tackle the student - I don't do speaking to others and the idea of doing that really scares me. It does concern me that this is a fire risk beyond being unpleasant for me - there's dry grass and leaves outside the window and I have all sorts of vivid images about what might happen - I think throwing water over them is a sensible measure in the short term, but I think I probably need to go back to the residence office and speak to the hall manager.

 

Part of the problem is that I don't know if the hall manager knows about my AS - they should do as the main uni accommodation people have been involved in my placement alongside the disability officer, but I don't know how much of the message gets through - they obviously know that there's some reason behind my placement but I don't know if they know what. Part of me is thinking that this shouldn't be an issue in this case anyway - the student is breaking the rules, creating a fire hazard and has on one occasion caused a false fire alarm and the fire engines to be called out (which totally terrified me). However if they were aware, they might understand why this is more of an issue for me than just being unpleasant.

 

Bard - your suggestion sounds great fun!!!!! - might just get me into a bit of trouble though!!!!!

 

Thanks again,

Mumble.

[Bard]

Your AS should be a consideration, just as any other special need would be.

You are being more distressed than many NT's would be because of it.

 

 

Bard - your suggestion sounds great fun!!!!! - might just get me into a bit of trouble though!!!!!

 

I could wear my secret ninja costume, I'd look like a short, round humpty-dumpty attacker.

You could be innocently in your room, posting. Listening for the screams.

Edited May 1, 2007 by Bard

[Mumble]

I could wear my secret ninja costume, I'd look like a short, round humpty-dumpty attacker.

You cuold be innocently in your room, posting. Listening for the screams.

Oh the image - a rather macabre version of an Alice through the Looking Glass scene comes to mind!!!

 

Thanks Bard I needed a laugh.

 

I'm in university all day until late tomorrow, so it'll give me some time to think about what to do. But I think you're right that the AS is an issue, so I need them to be aware - the question though is how I go about this without it sounding like some excuse for my complaining.

 

Mumble.

[Tally]

Mumble, I think the best solution here would be if the student above you could extinguish his cigarettes before throwing the butts down.

 

Quite how you achieve this, I don't know. Do you know any of the other students, who may be able to speak to this student about that? You wouldn't have to go into AS if you choose not to. There are many reasons why a person may not like cigarette smoke. It could trigger asthma, for example.

[Mumble]

Thanks everyone for your advice

 

I've decided I can't tackle this student and as I don't know any of the students I live with (that's impressive isn't it - I live with 473 students and I haven't made a single friend ) I can't ask anyone to speak to them for me.

 

However, this is causing me problems and making me very unhappy, so I'm going into the residence office this morning to talk to them again (just as soon as I stop shaking enough to walk down the corridor in a straight line that is). I've tried writing out what I'm going to say but it will only come out as a mumble no matter how good and measured and sensible it sounds in my head, so I'm just going to work on trying to explain the problem rationally without crying.

 

Mumble.

[llisa32]

Hiya, really sorry this is turning into such a horrible issue for you. It's been a long time since I was at Uni but is there not a course mentor/head of year etc who you could ask for help on this from? I recall when I was at Uni we were all allocated a tutor incase we needed advice etc - does that provision no longer exist these days?

 

Just wondering if it would be easier for you to seek this person out and ask for help as opposed to braving it in the resident office.

 

What ever you decide is best remember that you have every right to ask for help and you are just as good (if not better) than any other student.

 

Best of luck with this - I'll think of you later

[Bagpuss]

Mumble, just a thought, could you put your complaint in writing and pop that into the office? It may be taken more seriously and it would give you the benefit of not having to endure going to speak face to face again, which is making you very worried. It may also get your point across better, be treated more formally and I would also mention the fire risk etc health and safety....surely then the residence office would have to address it. Good luck with whatever you decide <'>

[pearl]

Keeping everything crossed for you Mumble, let us know how you get on.

And if you do cry, dont worry. It will make them realise how distressed you are. Doors can magically open for a weeping woman sometimes as people will do ANYTHING to stop the crying!

[Mumble]

Well I plucked up the courage, thought carefully about what to say, made sure I had several tissues, and walked in a (straightish) line down the corridor to . . .

 

the closed residence office (apparently staff training is more important than my needs)

 

So I ended up cross that my planning had been no use but more so at myself for needing to do the planning in the first place. I then allowed my annoyance at something that shouldn't have annoyed me spill over into university - I was in tears before my supervision because my supervisor had changed the meeting time and not given me much warning (and trying to explain that I was upset because I'd had to get a different bus and my timetable for the day didn't fit what was happening, to other students, just doesn't work - it sounds pathetic even typing it), and then during the supervision because he brought up the issue of my taking language literally, and I felt that he was saying I should just try harder to understand I ended up in tears again - so all in all a total disaster.

 

Oh well, tomorrow's another day (how's that for a silly phrase!!! - tomorrow is another day - that's why it's called tomorrow) - I'm going to attempt the residence office again.

 

Bagpuss - thanks for your suggestion - that'll be my back-up plan if this fails, or if they're 'training' again.

 

Lisa - I have a tutor, and I have spoken to her, but I have huge problems with her in that she thinks she knows everything about Asperger's because she's read lots of books - and she tries to match me to these rather than trying to understand the person that I actually am. Her suggestion was just to speak to the residence office, but she did say I could go back to her if that didn't work - so I have a few backup plans.

 

Mumble.

[Bagpuss]

Good luck tomorrow Mumble , sounds like you've had a horrible day <'>

Edited May 3, 2007 by Bagpuss

[llisa32]

I hope tomorrow goes better for you....sorry to hear your tutors not much help.

 

Just keep thinking about how relieved you'll be once you've said/wrote what you need to...stay strong, and I'll think of you tomorrow then.

 

Everyone on here think's your concerns are valid and your feelings are important...hopefully that helps a little

 

Take care

 

Lisa

[Kathryn]

I have every sympathy with you Mumble - selfish smokers really wind me up. I've got no objection to people doing it, but not in a way that affects me. ( Roll on 1st July!) I'd be inclined to collect all the butts over a few weeks, parcel them up and post them anonymously to the to the offending student. They might just get the message. Probably more confrontational than you would want: the diplomatic solution is probably best for starters.

 

I hope someone listens to you. It ought to be a clear cut case - this student is breaking the rules and should be stopped - or encouraged to seek alternative accommodation.

 

K x

[chriss]

Hi Mumble

 

Maybe you should just go back to your tutor and say you can't sort it out and can she help you? It is a part of her job after all to ensure that you are coping with University life.

 

If she has read a few books she should at least understand how anxious things can make an Asperger's student even if she is poor at understanding you in person.

 

Hope this matter is resolved for you soon.

[Mumble]

Well I made it to the residence office only shaking slightly. The person I've spoken to (twice) before was on the phone so directed me to someone else. I very calmly told her the problem, tried (and failed I think) to make some eye-contact so she wouldn't think I was lying (why do people assume you must by lying because you don't look at them?) and told her that it was causing difficulties for me, making it difficult for me to get on with my study and was generally unpleasant. The person on the phone overheard this and said to the woman I spoke to 'well this is the third time she's been in - we need to do something about this'. So the women I spoke to said she'd deal with it straight away. I left it there.

 

An hour later, I passed the woman I'd spoken to in the hallway, and she had this to say:

• 'Ah, [Mumble], I've been up to the two rooms above you, and there can't

possibly be any problem because I've checked the rooms and there's no sign of cigarette butts in either of them, and if they were smoking they would leave evidence in their rooms. I've asked the cleaners to check, but I don't think anyone is smoking, and you've got it wrong.'I was at this point on the verge of breaking down completely so I had to walk out and try and calm myself down walking round the block several times. I hate been called, or having it insinuated that I am, a liar. I do not lie - I can't. Now it seems to be that apparently I'm worse at telling the truth than others are at lying. Of course there were no cigarette butts in the room - the cigarette butts are piling up nicely outside my window. Plus, 'smokey Jo(e)' has been spoken to twice already - he/she is hardly going to leave the evidence in his/her room. I don't understand why they won't believe me or take me seriously. I scared to take this further or to write a letter which was going to be my backup plan because I don't want to loose my accommodation through being thought of as difficult.

 

I think I have to go back to my tutor because I can't deal with this alone. But I'm angry that I should have to do this and I'm angry at myself for not being able to cope with something so trivial. All I want to be able to do is work on my study and live in relative peace without other people's lack of consideration impacting negatively on my work.

[pearl]

Oh good grief, thats unbelievable Mumble, I cant believe she said that. How incredibly unhelpful and insulting.

 

You cant let this go hun, its affecting your studies & peace of mind, can you go over her head? Get evidence? Collect the buts? Take a piccy of them with your phone?

 

I really dont think you will lose your accommodation over this. They are not doing their job properly.

 

Put everything down in writing. Get support from your tutor. Everyone is supporting you in this love, dont get angry at yourself, you have the right to breathe fresh air.

 

Keep us posted.

[Kathryn]

Mumble,

 

How incredibly frustrating not to be believed - why would anyone want to lie about this?

 

Don't be hard on yourself - you're doing all the right things, going through all the proper channels, and it should have been sorted out by now.

 

I think you're right, it would be good to get someone else's help now so you don't have to deal with all the stress of this on your own.

 

K x

[chriss]

Mumble do they have "Nightline" or any other student counselling service at your Uni? I ask because when I was at Uni The Nightline was co-ordinated by my best friend and they didn't offer just counselling but a lot of practical help for students too. They were all really nice people and there is the advantage that you can speak to then over the phone and they will treat the matter confidentially. They may be able to help with this situation.

[Mumble]

I thought being called a liar would be the end of the problems. I decided to continue putting up with the smoke because I couldn't fight it anymore.

 

But today I have been informed that I do not have accommodation from the 23rd June - apparently they've never seen my application (even though it was stamped by the disability office and I took it in by hand and have had acknowledgement of the other form that was in the same envelope). I don't know if this is anything to do with my complaint or not.

 

My needs assessment states that I must have university accommodation that is continuous and consistent - but the university have done nothing to implement anything from this. I don't know if I'm upset or angry or scared or whatever - I just need some stability and am not coping at all. I don't know what to do anymore - I just feel totally alone. I've sent a (fairly) polite email to the head of university accommodation (whose been involved in my accommodation placement and knows about my AS) but I don't know what else to do. I can't use the phone so I can't ring up anyone for help.

[Bagpuss]

I hope they get this sorted for you Mumble...and quickly. You don't need this on top of how you are already feeling. Hopefully the email will have a positive response.....can you get your mentor on board to help you sort this out?

[Mumble]

I hope they get this sorted for you Mumble...and quickly. You don't need this on top of how you are already feeling. Hopefully the email will have a positive response.....can you get your mentor on board to help you sort this out?

 

Thanks Bagpuss,

 

I don't have a mentor yet, else that would be a sensible step. I have all sorts of support reccommended and the funding in place, but the university are doing nothing to help me get it.

 

If I don't hear anything by early next week, I think I may go over to the main uni accommodation office and speak to the person in charge - I realise I'll be in tears and shaking before I actually get through the door and probaly not able to say why I'm there (I'll write this down and hand it to them), but this might just help them to see that I need help. I don't want to use my AS in this way, or put myself in a position of such stress, but I can't see any other way and the university need to start taking me seriously.

 

Mumble.

[pearl]

I cant believe they are treating you so badly Mumble its an absolute disgrace. No one should have to go through such stress.

[David Matthew Baker]

See if you can find an email contact for NAS. Perhaps someone there could phone your university a have a serious talk with them on your behalf.

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=617&a=3670

 

I don't know if they'll do this or not but it is probably worth a shot. Can't help to show that you have support from outside sources.

[Bagpuss]

I think we should change the Southern Meet Up place from Greenwich to your accomodation office

 

Good luck Mumble...wish I lived closer so I could offer better support to you, than a cyber hug <'> Think you really need someone to lift some of the weight off your shoulders

[Kathryn]

Mumble,

 

<'> <'>

 

So sorry to hear you're in this really tough situation with your accommodation.

 

SKILL, (National Bureau for Students with Disabilities) may be able to help. If they can't give you direct advice and help they may be able to refer you to someone who can.

 

Their email address is on the link below:

 

http://www.skill.org.uk/info/index.asp

 

K x

[Mumble]

Thanks David and Kathryn. I have sent emails both the the NAS (who have been very helpful in the past) and to Skill seeking some advice about what I can do. I also had an email from my supervisor and I think he's a bit annoyed by what's happening, so he says I should see him next week about taking things to more senior people - I just hope he means this and is not saying it just to stop me taking a complaint further myself - I think I trust him though. A big part of the problem I think is that it is my disability officer who is creating the problems - she hasn't implemented any of my support reccommendations and clearly hasn't liaised with my accommodation office as she is supposed to have done - but it is her job to ensure equality for disabled students. What do I do about discrimination when the person whose job it is to act against it is the one causing it in the first place?

 

I think we should change the Southern Meet Up place from Greenwich to your accomodation office

A shame they're closed on a Saturday! Now that would be fun - a mob (will that do as a collective noun here?? ) of ASD concerned people storming the office - now they'd have no defence aginst that!!!!!

[hev]

i like a good old fight mumble im with you mumble <'>

[Bard]

What do I do about discrimination when the person whose job it is to act against it is the one causing it in the first place?

 

We tar and feather her, tie her to a pole and take her to the accommodation office.

Then she can put your case with eloquence.

If my boy is in your situation in a decade's time, I can promise that his response would have been more aggressive. She either does her job or finds one more suited to her lack of empathy and intelligence.

I think your supervisor is right, let him take it higher. Print this thread for him.

 

You see, it's not just you. This woman will continue to ###### things up as long as she is allowed to get away with it, for years to come. I am cross for you, but also on behalf of those for whom she may distress and infuriate in the future.

 

On the plus side, your supervisor seems keen to keep you! You're obviously his kind of student. What are you reading/researching?