On drifting apart and losing a friend

[ScienceGeek]

Copied over from my journal:

 

I need to get this off my chest as it has been upsetting me recently. I'm hoping that I'm putting this out to people who will understand where I am coming from on this. It is very hard for me to make friends, especially friends that are long lasting. I can count on less than one hand the amount of friends that I have made that have lasted more than 6 months. I thought he was my friend. When I make friends I am fiercely loyal to them, this person I thought we were so close that I asked him to be my best man. These last few months we have drifted farther and farther apart, and everytime I try to chat to him he is snappy at me.

 

A few months ago I saw a ticker on his facebook saying that he was going to be seeing his bf at the same time he was supposed to be the best man at our wedding. I asked him about it and he just brushed it off saying that it was an estimate. Roll on this week and he is raving about how he was going to be there for pride and the conference. Thanks a lot for nothing mate. Just avoid me when I try to get in touch with you as if I don't exist anymore. Did I do something to upset you, what? You were so keen on being my best man and now you don't want anything to do with me... I don't understand..

 

I keep thinking to myself, what is it about me that can't keep hold of friends. That every one of them eventually runs away in the end. How comes I keep managing to push everyone away?

 

*is crushed right now*

[pearl]

SG <'>

Have you got a second-best man?

When we were getting married, mr p's best man fell out with some of our guests & said he wasnt coming if they were! Well it wasnt our fight & we wouldnt let him dictate our guest list so he ended up not coming, & we were best-man-less just a few weeks before the wedding. He was mr p's only close friend, he ended up asking someone else who was a friend but not close, he was rather bemused so we came clean with him & he did it quite happily. Not ideal though. Have you got a brother? Looking back, I dont know why we didnt ask mr p's bro, I think we just panicked.

[ScienceGeek]

Luckily I do have another best man. It was supposed to be a best friend from now, and my best friend from school. So now just down to the one best man, I'm more than happy to have it that way. I guess I was just upset that he made such a big deal about it and now wants nothing to do with me, I can't even get in touch with him to find out what I did wrong.

[pearl]

Ah well, one is quite enough. The friendship thing is a separate issue, I cant really advise there, just hope you can get some closure about it. <'>

[bid]

I wish I knew the answer...I've never had any real success with long-term friendship either

 

Maybe it's just how we are??

 

Bid <'>

[Bagpuss]

It can be so hard to come to terms with the loss of a friendship, more so if you have no idea why. It leaves so many unresolved feelings, and can eat away at your self esteem. Sometimes though friendships can evolve to the point where you have nothing in common anymore. You change, mature, get married, have children, whatever............and sometimes friendships fall by the wayside. <'>

[ScienceGeek]

Thanks everyone I feel a bit better now.

[mossgrove]

I've never really done long term friends either!

 

It's easy to think you are the only one that doesn't have loads of old friends to call on all the time, but it is far more common than you would expect.

 

Simon

[darky]

Hi SG, I don't have answers for you. I find most people odd in that they don't say what's on their minds like I do. I don't think people realise just HOW upsetting their behaviour can be when they just ignore and carry on with their lives. I know I have beat myself up time and time again over this very thing. I don't understand subtle hints or people that sulk. One thing I have found though, there are those who do try and understand when these things are explained to them, and one's that don't are not friends in the first place and are not worthy of your friendship. Easier said than done, because if you are anything like me, you will not deal with the injustace of not knowing what it is you have done wrong, and I know that frequently I have not been able to rest until it is clear exactly what has happened and I can bug people for a long time until I DO know!! I really do feel for you SG, for adults with an ASD, it's much harder to "let people into our lives" and trust them, and when a person can treat a "friend" like that, it is heartbreaking. <'>

[madme]

I know how awful it feels. I think what someone else said is v true that sometimes we just have to move on. I'm pretty convinced that I have AS tendancies. This week I have been working in an office and met up with someone who is friends still with a person I once considered one of my best friends. We haven't spoken for nearly 8 years( almost to the day- and how sad is that that I can remember?). The friendship came to an end as I felt used- I got him a job at a company I was working for - he however stabbed me in the back - as I was his major competitor so to speak at that company. I left as I couldn't bear working with him. After many years as friends- from when we had worked elsewhere together through marriages, break ups the lot- all over within a matter of weeks. I've never understood how someone could be so disloyal. I have never allowed myself to get so close to any other friends. You are better off without him. There will be new friends. Hope your wedding goes well.

[bid]

I know how awful it feels. I think what someone else said is v true that sometimes we just have to move on. I'm pretty convinced that I have AS tendancies. This week I have been working in an office and met up with someone who is friends still with a person I once considered one of my best friends. We haven't spoken for nearly 8 years( almost to the day- and how sad is that that I can remember?). The friendship came to an end as I felt used- I got him a job at a company I was working for - he however stabbed me in the back - as I was his major competitor so to speak at that company. I left as I couldn't bear working with him. After many years as friends- from when we had worked elsewhere together through marriages, break ups the lot- all over within a matter of weeks. I've never understood how someone could be so disloyal. I have never allowed myself to get so close to any other friends. You are better off without him. There will be new friends. Hope your wedding goes well.

 

That's the sad thing, isn't it...never feeling able to trust anyone again

 

Bid

Edited March 14, 2008 by bid

[Suze]

hi glad your feeling better today and more importantly that you have another good friend who is going to fulfill this important role for you , I value my friends a great deal and would do anyhing for them.But if a friend hurts or abuses my trust I have to walk away from them.I once had a friend who had another close friend who I did,nt know particularly well.One day my friend slagged off her other friends little boy............saying he was spolied and a little know all................I felt so uncomfortable with her saying this stuff to me.Her friend seemed a lovely person and her son just a normal boy.This incident showed a side to her I did,nt like and I disliked her from that moment on I don,t see her anymore..............................I,d ditch this friend you,ll be better off without him., best wishes suzex.

[barefoot wend]

I've always been completely hopeless with the 'friends thing' too. However, as I've got older I do think that because I'm so hard on myself and completely over-analyse things I've said and the way I've come across to others that I have a tendency to do this with others as well. I've noticed that my son does this to the nth degree and it makes friendships hard.

 

Nowadays, I've tried to lighten up a bit and not take very single word someone says and pick it to pieces but rather go on the overall picture of ' are they a good friend, do they care about me and want me as a friend ? Do I enjoy their company?'. It has meant I'm more forgiving and try to go on the overall relationship rather than pick holes in little bits of it. It has also meant that I have more friends.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

So saying SG, your 'friend' does sound like he, perhaps, does not have your best interests at heart.

 

Barefoot

[purplehaze]

Copied over from my journal:

 

I need to get this off my chest as it has been upsetting me recently. I'm hoping that I'm putting this out to people who will understand where I am coming from on this.

 

A few months ago I saw a ticker on his facebook saying that he was going to be seeing his bf at the same time he was supposed to be the best man at our wedding.

*is crushed right now*

 

Hi, I don't want to intrude, but I was reading this and thought I would just ask if your friend has more feelings for you than you thought and he may be feeling confused. He might be feeling like he is going to lose his friend. Has he got ASD?

 

It's hard and can be confusing having close friends but weddings and family gatherings can cause emotions to build up.

 

Try and enjoy the planning and excitment of your wedding and when things calm down you may be able to talk to your friend, just remember it can be hard to work at friendship but you can get over problems. X

[Kinda]

Hi SG

 

Relationships and friendships are very complicated issues. Not sure about others but I think it maybe rare to keep friendships a long time due to various reasons (but others may disagree with me on this one), somehow we feel let down or just move/grow apart. Of course there are no set rules that you can follow that guarantee that you retain the relationship and so each is very individual.

 

For me you have to find out if there is a problem with your own understanding of the situation or whether your views are well founded on facts? It seems it is so easy for us to misinterpret situations and we end up drifting apart. There is no set formula of how to behave and its normal for long friendships to be "tested" at some time but if both parties want to keep the relationships going then they need to keep communicating to each other and working through any issues that may try and come in between.

 

If you think the relationship is worth keeping then you need to communicate with your friend and explain your feelings, if not then so be it move on with your own life.

[peaches]

I can really relate to your problems with keeping friends. Im exactly the same and it upsets me as I would like to have that lifelong close friend that some people manage to keep. I have no idea either if I do anything wrong within the friendship. I just keep trying, but seem to make a friend for a specific reason, then when the reason goes away so does the friend. For instance, I had a close friend at school, we kept in touch for a while, but only a year or so after leaving.

I had a close friend at uni, same happened. Also similar things in one or two of my jobs. Sometimes I have to cancel plans as I get too busy and they don't get re-made. The most I can say is I have a Christmas card from a couple of people: one who I worked with 15 years ago, one who I knew as a child. Sometimes I have to cancel plans as I get too busy and they don't get re-made.

 

The thing is, as far as I know, its my daughter who has Asperger's not me. I am actually starting to wonder.