alone again

[lisa35]

well.school hols, and will just be me and my fab son, he spends so much time alone, its heart breaking

so wants friends, but finds whole business so difficult, the desperation is upsetting at times. Does it get better as they get older, as kids get more tolerant? Hes 13 next, and Im well aware that the other kids have own issues, fitting in,etc, but as they get older do you thing other kids will be nice r to him?

Thanks

Lisa

[Enid]

well mines nearly 13 too, but he has 3 sibling, with the younger 2, aged 6 and 9 we go out a lot so he comes with us, hes always saying so and sos my friend but they just tolerate him, very hard to watch, but I too am hoping it gets better with age, <'> Enig

[bluefish]

Hi, I know what you mean ds and I spend all our time together! Although he is only coming up 5 so I cant answer your question. my ds has no real wish to mix with other children and has never wanted anyone to come and play or join us on a day out. When he does try to join in at the play park ect its in his own way and the other kids dont want anything to do with him or make fun of him and he does not realize they are being mean.. I must admit I have fled nursery in tears a few time having listened to the other mums and children arranging play dates.He wouldnt go but he has NEVER been invited. He does get party invites some times but has yet to go to one

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

Take care and I hope half term is ok for you both

[lisa35]

thanks , we always set off together, have out own adventures!

x

[hev]

lisa it is so heartbreaking,like enid said once she used to love it when it rained and that really struck a chord with me cos when it rained no kids were out and it seemed ok to stay in doors

it has got so much better now steve is older friendwise,i dont know why,its just not an issue any more,he can take em or leave them,big hugs to you both <'>

[oxgirl]

Hi Lisa, we're in the same boat unfortunately. It was so much easier when Jay was little, we'd enjoy playing with his toys together or we'd cook together or paint or play games or go to the park. Now he's 14 he doesn't want to do anything like that anymore, but he has nowhere to go and no-one to go with, so he's just stuck in the house with me and we don't know what to do with each other anymore. I can't suggest anything that interests him, and I can't just play with toys with him like I used to for hours on end, so we're really stuck. I feel like a prisoner and he's the jailer, we're stuck together with the hours slowly ticking by and it's painful.

 

~ Mel ~

[lisa35]

feel isolated too, hes very reluctatnt to go out, or anywhere, just wants to be on laptop. but thats so anti social, so for my sanity, and to help him learn to be around people and situations I insist that we do stuff. he mainly enjoys it when we make the effort

Bu tas hubby and I have said, we are isolated, have no adult company, apart from family, and becomes very suffocating when its just us 3 x

[oxgirl]

feel isolated too, hes very reluctatnt to go out, or anywhere, just wants to be on laptop. but thats so anti social, so for my sanity, and to help him learn to be around people and situations I insist that we do stuff. he mainly enjoys it when we make the effort

Bu tas hubby and I have said, we are isolated, have no adult company, apart from family, and becomes very suffocating when its just us 3 x

 

 

Yes, it is so isolating, isn't it. We don't even have family near, it's just us three and that's it, no-one else. I can't for the life of me think of where to take him. He doesn't enjoy walking, shopping is boring, swimming is difficult because of the changing room situation, he can't ride a bike, he's too old for the park, where do you take stroppy 14 year olds, what do you do with them??!!

 

~ Mel ~

Edited May 25, 2008 by oxgirl

[soraya]

I am so with you all on this one. It is heartbreaking when you see other kids in groups having fun isnt it? Nick has an appointment with connections this week, apparently they help with this sort of thing

[pearl]

It does get better guys.

JP never had friends, still doesnt really but he's less reliant on us these days. Youth group, taekwondo & work "do's" give him a structured social life away from us. And we are hoping that this outdoor pursuits club we are joining will help even more.

 

I would still give anything for him to have a proper mate though - just someone to go to the cinema with etc.

[darky]

My 14yr old is very isolated. He spends most of his time in his room alone and I struggle to get him to join in family games outings etc. Last year I sent him on a do it for real camp and he came back with a renewed confidence and independance, which wore off! He is going again this year! My son struggles with friendships at school because he is highly intellegant (at grammar and just completed GCSE ICT this year!) but very immature still loves his pokemon, and he is quite the little proffessor which other boys his age don't get. Just recently he has made a friend and has been meeting up with him which I am relieved because if it carried on, I was going to attempt to get him to join explorer scouts or something. It's quite funny because listening to him talk about when he is out with his friend, he builds dens and goes looking for little hidy holes etc. Still very immature, but if he is happy!!

[stressedmumto2]

I have the opposite problem, my son is very sociable and seeks out friendships, usually the wrong kind with the wrong kind of kids, I have tried relentlessly to be more fun in comparision to friends but he wants their company, he's out all day long and in the rain it drives me nuts.

 

Today he is meant to be going to a family party but refusing to go, I know he doesn't like parties but it's with his cousins and I have tried everything to persuade him to go including good old bribes!!

 

Set that aside I have also asked him if he would like to go to the cinema with me, just us to watch whatever he wants but he can't bear to leave his friend behind so he's also refusing that option saying i'll go if he can come, um no thankyou I am trying to get you away from him!!

 

I just wish he wasn't like this, I know I should be garteful he has a friend and can play out but his friend is like an obsession, from 7am this morning my son had been aksing to go and play with this child and it's taken everything to keep him in till 9am, ususally this friend wanders up here at 8am sometimes before. His friend also has special needs but gets chucked out the door early or is it that he's like my son too and keeping on to go out and the parents just give in??

 

I've thought that as my son meets other children he wont be so obsessed in this child but the only time they are apart is if they have had a big fall out, however as they are getting older theire fall out's only last a day, eeeekkk

 

Sorry this was a long reply and no help to you but I think if you can get your son along to some clubs that are interest to him, i.e. computers, pokemon etc then he will meet other children who enjoy the same interest and friendhsips could then develop. <'>

[notfootball]

This may seem inappropriate, but as someone who only had bad friends if any, I do feel it's something one can eventually come to terms with, so you needn't feel too bad about them forever . I hope that's a comforting thought.

[CEJesson]

I thought i'd give you my perspective but its not the cheeriest in the first part Im afraid.

 

To be honest the older I got I became less tolerant of having no friends - as I began to develop some basic social skills it was no longer as difficult separating friends from acquaintances, and it was no longer as challenging to understand who actually cared and who didnt. It was still challenging of course making friends. Consequently this led to greater frustration and although my behaviour was improving this aspect took over bullying problems as the main concern. I spent the vast majority of time in the house which was favourable but when I was being difficult (causing an argument) there was nowhere for me to go. It was during this time I was more notorious at home than I was at school.

 

The above paragraph is a reference to my later secondary school years between I'd say ages 14-16. (2003-2005) After then until now at nearly 19 years of age the above frustration has receded dramatically as I changed schools for sixth form and gradually managed to have a small group of close friends. University is now a mix friends and acquaintances - lots of the latter, very few of the former but that is very pleasing indeed to get that far. Increases in confidence has meant that tolerance of friendships (or no friendships) has got a lot, lot better during this time period. (2005-)

 

So while the first paragraph was a bit 'doom and gloom' - the second paragraph may tell you that your son's situation may not always remain the same.

Edited May 26, 2008 by CEJesson

[Enid]

Gosh Mel, It sounds so sad! hope that dosent offend I am in a similar situation to stressedmum at the mo, my son is obsessed with playing out and dos`nt want to come anywhere with us, its so hard for the 6 an 9 yr old, today they were playing happily as sportacus and stephanie, its a programme on c beebies, it was raining so DS was in but he just torments them all the time, and then when it was time for us to go, at the last minute he would`nt as the rain had stopped so someone, anyone might be playing out, so, we had to stay home, my 9 yr old daughter said to me, "Mummy why is it always up to J" Well I wanted to say, cos he`ll go off on one and you won`t darling, but of course I didnt, but he controls us all, he insists on watching tv, his choice of programmes, downstairs, although he has it all in his room, the littles dont, but its as though he has to constantly establish his mark on the family, he is always sooo anxious that I may give any of the others more attention than him theres no chance of that, he makes sure of it

[oxgirl]

Gosh Mel, It sounds so sad! hope that dosent offend

 

Nope, no offence taken. Truth is, it IS sad.

 

~ Mel ~

[lisa35]

thanks CEJ, Im actually sat here filling up , hes on msn (the chat thingy, has also discovered Bebo) and is thrilled cos hes adding loads to his list, but time after time he ll message some one and simply say hi, they react so ###### nasty- oftne put thing s like why you talking to me freak/ why wouild I want to talk to you

Hes such a lovely lad, but struggles socially- so has been on trouble at school. We took one of his friends out for day yesterday- he tried so hard- they got on ok, once he relaxed, shes a lovely girl, known himm years

But if truth be known, all the kids at this age want to fit in dont they , and theyre not going to risk having a "weird" mate

He s so low, educational pysch, and autism support are concerned, suggested taking him to gp which I am today. Her even said to me is it depressed when you feel really sad,a nd Is aid yes, he said even Griff (our wonderful chocolate labrador- who he adores) doesnt make me happy any more

Im scared GP will say what do u expect me to do! We re also waiting for cahms appt, what a joke that is!

Sorry for rant, feeling sad for himt oday x

[oxgirl]

Lisa <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[bikemad]

Hi hope it is ok to reply to this know it is a few weeks ago but it was like reading about my own son-he has next to no pals at all, does everything on his own, hates going out, lives for his laptop or psp, spends hardly any time with me cos he hibernates in his room, if we do go out he hates walking, cant ride a bike, don't like it too warm, don't like the sun etc etc only thing he loves is the golf range with my other half-he has one little pal in school who is also 'different' so they kinda stick together but other kids just think he is odd.

Edited June 13, 2008 by bikemad

[oxgirl]

Bikemad <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~