hev Report post Posted June 5, 2008 i am way too soft with k and s and i really feel ive made a rod for my own back,im really trying to change things but its like a pattern of behaviour i find hard to break i didnt intentionally set out to be soft and by soft i mean katie has a set bedtime but tonight she kept on about cartoons in bed,i said no 3 times then yes in the end but then even after she watched cartoons she still cried for more so if i had stuck to my no in the first place she would have no meant no instead of me giving in i do think me constantly saying yes to steve over the years has contributed to his behaviours,not all of them but we wouldnt have been in certain situations we have been in if i had set boundaries and stuck to them im really going to persavere with it though cos when i said no last weekend he treated me better for it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Oh, hev, you sound like so many of the parents I've met over the years. God, I feel old! Yes I'm soft. I love them and hug them and cuddle them, tell them how special and lovely and fabulous they are. Put many aspects of my life on hold to drive them places, pay for activities, listen to them when I'd rather be in the bath or asleep. I still spend a huge amount of time doing stuff for and with them, hence me posting around 3am a few nights ago. Both of mine are lovely, obedient, non-nagging teenagers. They keep my house rules and never make more than a token protest, if anything. They are reliable, polite, don't swear or kick small fluffy animals. I've always had rules. I've always been fair. Mean and bossy sometimes, but fair. I have always been consistent. No is an absolute refusal, yes is a promise and promises don't get broken, I'll see what I can do means exactly that. <'> If she has a set bedtime, then that's what it is. If it's no dessert until you've eaten x, then that's what happens. Or don't make the rule. Either one thing or the other, but be decisive and stick to it. Yes, it's hard work, but each time it gets microscopically easier, and after a decade you have a teenager who is a decent member of the human race. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted June 5, 2008 When Ive given in I have lived throw the consequences and realised the mistake, then that gives me more determination to ensure I really mean what I have said, we cant get it right all the time, Im a single mum and I know with J he wares me down, hes very skilled at manipulating me so its very draining, but I have realised that over the years when I wasnt as consistant it made it harder, at the end of the day though we are all human and with feelings and our own needs, so if its gone 9pm and there still demanding yes in some ways its easier to give in, but we know the defeat, underneath we know its going to be really hard now, I like to work with J with negotiation and comprimise but not at the cost that he wins and gets his own way, maybe you will think of some really good stratagies next time, I am no way a perfect mum and I admit I have got it wrong on occassions. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Oh yes! I've had kicking and screaming in the Supermarket, carried children home on my shoulder whilst they flailed and yelled, got kicked out of a bookshop in Oxford that I had an account at for a decade. I've had to replace woodwork, door panels and pictures, And that was with my NT daughter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Have you done a star chart with her bedtime, a star for every task she does and then if she gets over 7 stars there is a treat in the morning, Pjays, supper, brush hair and teeth, story time, settle down in own bed, asleep by 9pm. also a visual display if you think it may help her understand the routine. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Just say NO, easier said then done isnt it, watch the Nanny programmes, it show you that it really does work! I have never been soft but still had problems with DS but since I have been using this ignoring things are much better for us, school however are having a bad time, so thats a bit worrying as I just got used to having a bit of freedom on my days off Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted June 5, 2008 I'm soft as poo with Ben... but only with things that being SAP about is okay... For vast amounts of our time he has a very free reign: lots of choices, lots of options, lots of freedom and 'treats' etc. BUT... Also rigid boundaries, high expectations, 'no-nonsense' and firm sanctions that hit him where it hurts (more often than not restrictions on his gaming, but if he's absolutely bouncing off the ceiling hyper then Time Out in his room is much more helpful for him.) Sometimes I let him chose his own sanction - give him two or three options and let him take his pick - that really gets him thinking about action and consequence, as well as 'enabling' him to make choices and to develop 'self' awareness rather than just being a passive recipient... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Sometimes I let him chose his own sanction - give him two or three options and let him take his pick - that really gets him thinking about action and consequence, as well as 'enabling' him to make choices and to develop 'self' awareness rather than just being a passive recipient... I have just recently done this with J, and it really works, He excepts the ban much better too, no continued tantrums, I was hoping I wasnt doing it wrong but the results were really positive, so choice can really help too. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Good tip! thanks BD and Jsmum. Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted June 5, 2008 thanks BD enid and there was me thinking you was my mate you never ever thank baddad,thats a golden rule of the forum,thats in the terms and conditions of being a member Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Right, got it, message received and understood Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pookie170 Report post Posted June 5, 2008 Yargh!!! I've had to become super-firm Mum to Cal, as he tries to discuss everything until you get so tired of going round and round you give in! Even his teachers have said that hes manipulated them without their realising it- he's awfully good at it, perhaps he'll be a politician!! Must agree about the choices thing though, it does help both my boys think things through and they usually make a good decision (ie; MINE!!! Mwahahah!! ) Can't say they're always gracious about it, but then I don't think that comes naturally to kids. Cripes, it doesn't come naturally to many adults!! Every now and then though, I make mistakes, perfection not my thing either, it would appear!! Esther x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted June 5, 2008 you never ever thank baddad,thats a golden rule of the forum,thats in the terms and conditions For any newer members, that's not actually true... though you would be forgiven for thinking so... I noticed a thread somewhere else about someone's nipper blaming them every time he does something wrong. easy solution - let him join the forum and he can blame me instead! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted June 6, 2008 I think I must be a bit of a cow, because I've never ever given in to J's whining demands. No has always meant No in this house, from day one. He might get away with it at Granny's but not here. I'll just go and put on that nice sackcloth frock and beat myself with a wooden spoon... Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soraya Report post Posted June 6, 2008 If there was and award for manupulation Nick wouldd win hands down ever time!! When l say no Nick always wants to discuss things, my heart sinks when he says"sit down and lets talk about it" he will then proceed to go on and on and on about why l should say yes!! this always ends in an argument as l get so stressed out with him. Nick has also managed to manupulate CAMHS!! It is so easy to give in for an easy life and like Hev in the past l have given in far too much, l think in the early days l tried to compensate for Nick not having and friends or not being invited to parties when the rest of the class were, but l am really paying for it now he is a teenager, so be warned all you softies!!!! It is much harder to say no when they are big strong teenagers, but like Hev l am really trying at the moment Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gothschild Report post Posted June 6, 2008 I've always had rules and in general they know exactly where they stand. I don't give into them easily and if I say no I don't budge. My oldest son knows the consequences if he is badly behaved (no money!) so he doesn't push it too much. J is used to his routine at bedtime so I never have any trouble with him going to bed. It doesn't always feel nice and I do have the occasional guilt trip, but as my husband works all hours of the day and night I have to be the 'bad cop' gothschild x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted June 6, 2008 I'll just go and put on that nice sackcloth frock and beat myself with a wooden spoon... Karen x Ah - someone else with the same hobby as me! Do you have the custard filled wellies too?! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted June 6, 2008 Ah - someone else with the same hobby as me! Do you have the custard filled wellies too?! Badders, custard is SO last year - the groovy set are putting rice pudding in their wellies now. Do keep up Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sooze2 Report post Posted June 6, 2008 No, I have to be very strict and wish I didn't. I had to learn very quickly when DS came along not to ever give in at all. If I show any sign of weakness he jumps on it and won't let go lol. I find it hard because I am naturaly a soft touch and used to get pushed around by everyone. Now I'm the iron lady and feel very guilty about it but DH keeps out of it and walks away from any conflict so either I deal with it or I end up with the wild man of Borneo (DS) on my hands. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bikemad Report post Posted June 6, 2008 Im not sure id call myself soft cos im pretty strict with my lad BUT I am liberally minded-ive an attitude of if it is legal safe and affordable he can try anything once but it is always his choice-take chapel-me n my dp are atheist but my ds is a baptist n really believes it n goes to sunday school every week-but he has also asked me to do some madcap things that I feel would be dangerous to him n then it is a NO. Me n my bro n sister had a really hippyish upbringing so I guess some of it has rubbed off lol. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
