Getting told off by strangers

[Sooze2]

From what Ive seen and experienced around the school that my children go to if someone said those things to some of the parents about their child they would have been knocked flat! So I think you delt with it well.

 

I would have been upset because it's none of thier business and if it isn't affecting them directly they should keep out of it. My son acts like a toddler very very often, but I am the ONLY person who is allowed to say it. If someone in the supermarket is annoying me I move to a different isle - its quite simple.

[JsMum]

This has been posted on my leaving post, but relivant to here as well.

 

its just that at times been in the curcumstances Im in I do feel judged at times and that my parenting could be better, it may well need to be in some areas, but we have come a looooonnnnggg way over the last year, mostly down to this forum, giving me valuable advice and support, I had a multi agency meeting today, and the supports all gone, the LEA are pressurising me to place J in the local secondary mainstream even though we are due to attend a SENDIST appeal to get him in a specialist school, so that kind is stressing me out, Ive found it really hard to fight to get the right support, and when your in these meetings you can get judged by some of the proffessionals that maybe your not doing everything you can, Js not a thug, or a yob, but his behaviour could get that kind of reception if people dont understand his behaviour problems which are at times severe, so it easy to get judged by others as a bad parent, however I stand tall and say I am doing my best, I am doing what I can to help, support J.

 

I am kind of sensitive at the moment, so what I will do is have a break, sleep on leaving, and think things throw.

 

I sure would miss loads of you guys if i did leave, so I will think some more, its going to be a rocky few months, so forgive me if I have also been a bit hasty too, so with Love, I will leave for a short while.

 

JsMum

[Deedee]

<'> J's mum <'>

I've watched you fighting for your boy every step of the way don't feel bad you are a wonderful,caring and very special mum. <'>

I'm so sorry to hear the agencys are still giving you such a hard time with the school placement (I know how that feels...) Hope things start to look brighter for you very soon

Dee XX

[keepingmesane]

personally, i think some of the people on this thread have missed the point!

yes playing football is dangerous in a shop BUT he was not playing football any more and had returned the item after being talked to by his mum, so effectively this 'dogooder' told him off when he had complied with what his mum asked. and in my opinion it was wholly inappropriate for her to interfere and yes i would have said something to her! I dont see why anyone should have apologised to her as she wasnt directly involved aside from seeing him, and if she'd been watching him then she should also have seen his mum dealing with it.

We cant do right for wrong really can we, if we defend our child because they are different, we are told that we are making excuses. I totally agree that bad behaviour needs to be dealt with and not excused, but ignorance and interference from others too needs to be addressed and if we all ignore them then they never have a chance to learn that what they are doing is inappropriate!

 

J's Mum, i understood what you are saying and i agree with how you dealt with it ((((((( ))))))) try not to take comments to heart, we are all different and we deal with things in different ways, what matters the most is that J did what you asked and thats a big thing

[bid]

I really, really hope JM doesn't leave, but can I just say that the title of this thread reads 'Getting told off by strangers. How do you deal with this?'

 

A question was asked, and people gave their answers, which of course will be different because we are all different people.

 

People have just answered a direct question.

 

Bid

Edited June 21, 2008 by bid

[smiley]

How do you deal with this.. That's how i viewed the thread too.

 

I'm sorry if i've upset you JsMum, or you felt i judged you, that wasn't my intention at all. <'>

 

[Frangipani]

This has been posted on my leaving post, but relivant to here as well.

 

its just that at times been in the curcumstances Im in I do feel judged at times and that my parenting could be better, it may well need to be in some areas, but we have come a looooonnnnggg way over the last year, mostly down to this forum, giving me valuable advice and support, I had a multi agency meeting today, and the supports all gone, the LEA are pressurising me to place J in the local secondary mainstream even though we are due to attend a SENDIST appeal to get him in a specialist school, so that kind is stressing me out, Ive found it really hard to fight to get the right support, and when your in these meetings you can get judged by some of the proffessionals that maybe your not doing everything you can, Js not a thug, or a yob, but his behaviour could get that kind of reception if people dont understand his behaviour problems which are at times severe, so it easy to get judged by others as a bad parent, however I stand tall and say I am doing my best, I am doing what I can to help, support J.

 

I am kind of sensitive at the moment, so what I will do is have a break, sleep on leaving, and think things throw.

 

I sure would miss loads of you guys if i did leave, so I will think some more, its going to be a rocky few months, so forgive me if I have also been a bit hasty too, so with Love, I will leave for a short while.

 

JsMum

 

You're a wonderful mum J'smum.

 

It really is painful when you feel you are being judged by professionals. It sounds like you have been through a lot. This age is really hard especially with the transition to high school, there is so much going on, its hard. So much stress, so much to think of, plus the worries of the new changes, how will they cope? Will the support be as good as primary?

 

Is there something you could do to de-stress, I know you said in another post you are all ready. I had to go on anxiety meds as I found things got too much for me. I have to say at first I was worried, but now I am on them I feel a lot more relaxed.

 

I was thinking about what you said with development delays, my son has this problem too. Also a close friend of mine her son was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and has lots of development problems too. There are some really good programs available in the future. I guess she and her child are always at the back of my mind as my son, I never thought his problems were as significant but they really were. Its so hard to compare from one child to another, they all have their own diagnosis and no child is ever alike, or a text book case. It puts so much pressure on us as parents especially when we are working, because there is so much at stake, so much to learn, so much to identify in their needs, its like an ongoing learning process. I am always learning. Just reading others posts on here at times, I will be reading someones post and think, gosh I was only thinking about that the other day, and someone will answer something I have been worrying about.

 

I understand you needing a break, you are doing so much at the moment. I always really enjoy reading your posts because your boy reminds me of my son when he was that age too, in some of the things you say.

 

You have a lot of compassion and come across very caring and a lot of thought goes into your posts. I always enjoy reading them.

 

I hope if you still keep feeling worse, consider talking to your GP or really doing something just for you to de-stress. Even a massage or a facial, is sooo soothing.

 

Hope to see you back soon when you are feeling better.

 

Thinking of you

 

Love

 

Fran xx

[justamum]

JsMum, I was were you are now in regards to school 6 months ago. I removed my son from the education system completely and have NEVER looked back! It's not right for all but don't dismiss that option if all the doors shut on other options, as they did with me. It's also easy and rewarding to see you and your child's stress level drop to almost zero.

 

As for a stranger chastising your child...just let them try it on mine However I have a 'look' that tends to send the ignorant scurrying! Although where I live there appears to be an understanding with shop workers, particular in Dundee, of autistics and their oddities in behaviour. I do get funny looks for having a wrist strap on my boy and folk keep staring I have tendency to say 'Can I help you? Do you you have problem?' if the stares continue after giving my 'look'.

 

And apart from that I am officially at the age to be a crabbit old woman (grumpy old woman)

 

Also like you I have felt that some replies on this forum from some have been very judgemental whether meant or not. I have also felt some come across as 'being better than others'. Think really you should take what you need from the forum and ignore the comments that offend you.

[Flora]

I don't like this implication that if people disagree with others, and/or give a different view or describe a different approach to dealing with problems, that they are then judging that person or thinking they are 'better'. I have read through this thread several times, and I honestly don't think that any of the replies were judging, they were answering the question honestly and from their own perspective. It wasn't started as a sympathy thread in the first place, jsmum asked the question 'how do you deal with this?' and people answered it honestly.

 

Quite often you need to read a thread several times to get a proper feel for what individual posters are actually saying. I've learned this to my cost on several occasions and it's much better if you feel negative vibes to go away for a while, come back, then read through it again to make sure that what you think is being said is what that person actually meant.

 

Jsmum would be really missed on this forum; she has been very helpful to lots of us (me included) and I hate to think that she feels judged and unsupported. If you read through this thread and take each post into context with the one that goes before and after it, then it is quite clear that people were either posting in response to the questions 'how do you deal with this?' or in response to subsequent posts. I'm sure the responses would have been different if the title read 'need some sympathy'.

 

Sorry if this offends anyone, I don't mean it to, but I think it's wrong that people should be made to feel guilty for answering a question honestly.

 

Flora

Edited June 21, 2008 by Flora

[puffin]

<'> <'> <'> JsMum <'> <'> <'>

 

I understand why you are feeling upset and I think that some posters have been a bit hasty in what they've said - and I understand why you feel a bit undermined both by what this other shopper said and some of the posts on here that have criticised you - when in fact it was clear from your posts that you were dealing with Js inapproriate actions and had handled the situation well:

- J had taken the ball out - which was inaapropriate

- You had told him that he should not be doing that

- you made him take the ball *back* to the ball basket

- while he was in the process of taking that ball back another shopper caused a confrontation with him (despite the fact that you were already dealing with it and he was actually taking the ball BACK).

 

 

I think it is a very sensitive thing to have your parenting undermined by strangers in this way who feel the need to stick their nose in and say their piece despite the fact that it must have been clear that you had already told him to put the ball back and he was complying with your request.

 

To be honest I am not really sure what some posters think that you should have done in this situation - given that you were hardly encouraging his behaviour and had made him both stop playing football and take the ball back.

 

I'm sorry that you are in such a rough situation at the moment and can understand that you came here for some support and understanding and do not feel that you got this.

[Flora]

<'> <'> <'> JsMum <'> <'> <'>

 

I think that some posters have been a bit hasty in what they've said - and I understand why you feel a bit undermined both by what this other shopper said and some of the posts on here that have criticised you

 

To be honest I am not really sure what some posters think that you should have done in this situation - given that you were hardly encouraging his behaviour and had made him both stop playing football and take the ball back.

 

I'm sorry that you are in such a rough situation at the moment and can understand that you came here for some support and understanding and do not feel that you got this.

 

Nobody criticised jsmum

 

jsmum asked a question, and she got honest replies.

 

Nobody criticised her for the way she handled things in the supermarket, all they did was describe how they would have handled (or how they hoped they would handle) similar incidents.

[bid]

Well, I can't speak for any other posters here, but I was responding to the general, direct question: How do you deal with this?

 

I wasn't telling JM what she should have done in her particular situation because she didn't ask the question 'What should I have done?'

 

I don't think it's helping the situation here for anyone to criticise people who were just responding to a direct question.

 

The whole point about a forum is that it's for an exchange of ideas.

 

Bid

[baddad]

I'm really starting to think we need a new posting area on the forum called the 'Only Reply If You Agree With Me Area, because these sorts of situations seem to be cropping up more and more often...

If somebody asks on the open forum for advice on how to handle a specific situation, or asks after the event for the opinions of other members on the way in which they did handle the situation, all members should have a right to reply - even if their opinion does offer a different point of view.

In the goodbye thread related to this one I posted this:

 

The fact that some might have different views on dealing with those things doesn't in any way imply that people are judging you; they're just offering opinions as requested. If people all did things the same way, and the forum only represented 'one view' then there would be no point in asking questions at all.

 

Sadly, this thread does now contain several 'Judgemental' posts - none of which apply to the actual question being asked or to the poster asking the original question. The judgements I see are all directed to those people who were considerate enough to offer their alternative observations and suggestions on the scenario outlined in the opening post.

 

Nobody on the forum should be made to feel guilty because they have alternative views on any disability issue. All that should matter on forum is how they present those views; and prior to the very judgemental posts levelled at those who felt calm explanation was a better option than emotional outrage, posters had been expressing their views with great consideration.

 

This post has now veered completely

Can we please bring it back to the topic in hand, or close it if that topic has run it's course.

Anyone who wants to start a thread on the other topic raised here - i.e. how to cover topics where opinions differ - is perfectly welcome to do so, on the understanding that ALL reasonably presented responses are valid.

 

J's mum - none of the above relates to you or your original post, only to the responses that have appeared to it, so please don't take any of it personally.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Suze]

I got up this morning and I,m so sad to read all this stuff ..........firstly that Jsmum is so upset and leaving , which I really hope you don,t <'> , and secondly that its now turning into a bit of a have a go at the posters who may have inadvertently caused her to be upset because they don,t challenge and confront .......nosey, grumpy ,people who say nasty things in supermarkets,............ and offered their way of dealing with such incidents, which happened to be different ways of dealing with this scenario.

 

........................personally I think..............its important to remember that as parents we are all here to offer support and advice and share our experiences, and thats all anyone was trying to do.

 

............ps ............Jsmum, <'>

[JsMum]

(by baddad)

(That said, the scenario you've outlined is of an eleven year old boy playing football in a supermarket, and personally I wouldn't be too angry if a stranger told Ben off for doing that, and I would probably be annoyed if I saw an eleven year old kid doing it in my local supermarket. Rounding on the woman in anger (and allowing him to) :

 

I wont say what J called heris, in my opinion, totally the wrong model to provide as an appropriate response.

Explaining to her is a completely different thing - I'm all for that - but I think the way we do it is really important)

(Baddad)

 

Baddad this is the bit that I felt judged and that I was somehow condoning Js behaviour, emotions and reactions, I did not condone or encourage his reactions, a stranger had a go at him and yes he was angry, yes he wanted to get the lady, but he didn?t, I confronted her to ask her why was she upset, the conversation was very amicable until her attitude made me feel defensive because she was very suggestive of Js behaviour.

 

 

(by Smiley)

(Sorry, but if M had been rude to someone, regardless of the why...i'd be cross with him) (smiley)

 

Where was J been rude?

 

(by Karen T)

(just because my son has offended someone with his autism, or because they've offended me (or him) with their rudeness, doesn't give me the right to be rude and sarcastic back) ( KarenT)

 

where was I been rude, or where was J been rude????

 

(By Bid)

(Personally I think that if our child's behaviour is having a negative impact on other people we should be apologising.

 

One of the worst things I've ever read was on another forum where a mum was ranting that a shop assistant had the nerve to ask her to stop her child trashing a shoe display. I thought it was appalling that she used autism as a sort of 'trump card' with a 'that told her' attitude. Awful...she should have been apologising for her child's behaviour.) (bid)

 

I have certainly explained in the past for Js disruptive behaviour in a store/mall/market because its clear the people are soo shocked and gorping, it?s a defensive reaction and I don?t always have the right aproach, but at the end of the day I have said he has developmental disorders or has special needs and left,

 

I havent apologised for his behaviour because I have nothing to apologise for, its not aimed at strangers, its nothing at all to do with them, shoe stores when J was younger where a nightmare, because new shoes ment change, new shoes ment sore feet, he didn?t want new shoes, wanted to cram his growing feet into tiny shoes, in a named shoes store we arranged to have extra staff because simply he didn?t like the foot measurer on his feet, as he grow he actually broke the standing electronic foot measurer throw jumping up and down, even after several requests which is why we had his hearing tested, but he hears fine, stores/malls/markets increase Js behaviour problems, increase his fears and anxieties, increase his responsis, we have worked very hard on this together and I personally wasn?t asking if we did the right or wrong thing but what do you do when strangers butt in...........................

 

(by Oxygirl)

(but was still quite inappropriate for the setting and annoying for other people then I don't think I'd have a problem with him being told off about it, as long as it was done in a fair way, i.e. 'would you mind not doing that, young man'. On the other, other hand, if it was done in a hurtful and unnecessarily unkind way then I would be cross but would probably still not say anything,) ( oxygirl)

 

 

When strangers do this to J he is highly likely to be even more nervous, then his behaviour increases, and he is more likely to ignore the stranger and continue, that then when real confrontations happen and we do get this a lot and so J is nervous well before any confrontations as he is aware strangers are going to interfere somewhere a long the line.

 

Personally If I didn?t say anything It would make me feel very frustrated so that is why I said it has none of your buisness so this does come across as rude then?

 

 

( I'm sure the responses would have been different if the title read 'need some sympathy'.) (Flora)

 

I was not expecting any sympathy, what I really wanted to know was what have you done when a complete stranger buts in, irrespect of behaviour problems, rudeness, autism traits, how did you feel, I have a lot of comments and reactions from complete strangers and I am so fed up with it.

 

I know what I would do, (as if to suggest they would give him a slap)

He needs a ###### good harding that would sort him out.

I wouldn?t let my kids talk to me like that, (again we don?t know them, they?ve just butted in)

Loads and loads of examples of other people saying how they would treat my son to behave, conform, be normal.

 

(by flora)

(I think it's wrong that people should be made to feel guilty for answering a question honestly,

I don't like this implication that if people disagree with others, and/or give a different view or describe a different approach to dealing with problems, that they are then judging that person or thinking they are 'better'.

I honestly don't think that any of the replies were judging, they were answering the question honestly and from their own perspective.

I hate to think that she feels judged and unsupported.) (Flora)

 

I am afraid I did feel judged because BD was directing his personal feelings about how I had reacted,

That I was some how allowing J to be rude and angry, he has his own identity and if he reacts with anger and revenge because someone he doesn?t even know interfers then I cant help that response, its all part of his difficulties but I was no way encouraging him, and he did not behave in any rude manner to the lady in any way, yes he was angry but he did that with me, not her.

 

I am sorry but yes I have felt judged and that in some way its clear we do have to apologise for our children's behaviour if its portraid as unexceptable, many of Js behaviour problems comes from fear and anxiety of which places like malls/markets/unfamilair places raise these.

 

JsMum

[Flora]

jsmum,

 

You have now named and pointed the finger at a list of people who have posted on this thread.

 

I'm sorry you feel let down or judged; but really I think that last post you just made was inflamatory and judgmental in itself.

 

You were upset and people (including me) have supported you through that, but I can not agree and stand by and be silent while you list all these people and delude yourself that they were getting at you.

 

I like you, I've appreciated your help in the past, but I'm very upset by the way this whole thing has panned out.

 

I have to go out now so won't be here to reply to any response to this post. I know it will be unpopular but that can't be helped.

 

This is utterly ridiculous

 

Flora

[baddad]

Hi J's mum...

 

I won't offer any explanation for anyone elses posts, but with regard to a couple of points you've made about my own respones:

 

The reason I included this:

 

Rounding on the woman in anger (and allowing him to)...is, in my opinion, totally the wrong model to provide as an appropriate response.

was because you posted this:

 

I did tell her to mind her own buisness and get on with her shopping

 

and this:

 

I wont say what J called her

 

Which does not suggest the cool, calm responses from either yourself or your son that you've subsequently suggested.

 

As I've personally posted in this thread I won't close it lest I'm accused of something else, but if one of the other mods chooses to do so they will have my full support.

 

I'm sorry, as I'm sure many other posters now are, for taking your request for opinions at face value.

 

Regards

 

BD

[Imelda]

Group hug? <'> <'>

[Flora]

Back from the shops and wanted to add this to what I said earlier

 

 

I was not expecting any sympathy, what I really wanted to know was what have you done when a complete stranger buts in,

 

 

Jsmum that's exactly what you got. I don't think anyone went beyond that. Some of it veered off (as threads usually do) and discussed other apsects of being out an about, but I can't say that I read any of it as being judgmental; critical maybe, but then being critical (whether positive or negative) is part of giving a view or a perspective...it doesn't imply a judgment on the subject.

 

Flora

[smiley]

:wallbash: I give up

[Kris]

All,

 

This topic is now well and truly off the rails and is being closed.

 

Kris