Kai has been arrested

[loulou]

Hi all,

 

Today has been a total disaster. Spent half the day arguing with useless Social Worker about why putting Kai into foster care won't work. He needs to go to specialist residential school NOW (he's been given a place for 1 year's time).

 

SS can't seem to understand why I can't cope with Kai, as I "only" have him at weekends and holidays. I 've explained to them until i'm blue in the face that he's so stressed at his current school, he lets it all out when he comes home at the weekend. They can't seem to grasp this fact at all. I also have to cope with a toddler and i'm 4 months pregnant too.

 

Anyway, he came home from school at 3pm in his usual "stressed out" mode. I went out in the garden with the little one to let Kai calm down in the house.

 

Things then went totally pear-shaped as i had "dared" to move something in his room whilst putting stuff away. He went totally crazy and was throwing missiles at me in the garden. I had to run into the house with my toddler for our safety as he was hurling anything he could, including bricks.

 

I locked the patio door as he was right behind us in a full rage. He then proceeded to throw missiles at the patio door, cracking it. I warned him i'd phone the police but he carried on.

He then picked up a spade and began trying to bash through the door with the spade. I was really frightened so i called the police. He managed to bash his way through the door and turn the key to let himself in. I had to run into the front garden and lock the door. It was horrififc. The police came and arrested him for criminal damage and he's spent the last 4 hours in a cell.

 

My Dad has just brought him home and he's very hyper, almost excited. I couldn't handle it so i've sent him to my parents for the night.

 

I feel awful that he's been arrested. I know he can't help it, but i can't live in constant fear of what he might do to me/my baby/my house. The police were really understanding.

 

Now i don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. All Kai's health professionals are recommending he goes to residential school now, but SS are saying no. They seem to be in control of the situation.

 

Loulou xx

[Zosmum]

Oh Loulou

This sounds truly awful

Can't really give any helpful info

but sending hugs

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Hope things calm down soon for you

[Sooze2]

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[NickyB]

Don't really know what to say, loulou, so I'm sending you these

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Nicky x

[JsMum]

Hi, J had the police to assist the previous evening and they warned him there and then if there was any further distrubance he would be arrested and assessed for a secure placement, ie secure unit, but the police officer reasured me there and then that they would not put a Autistic Child in a cell, it would be a holding cell, which are different, the police by the sounds of it have not dealt with Kia correctly, how did he react to be placed in a cell, and was he assessed by any medical proffessionals, it seems obserd to have arressted and charged Kia with criminal damage when he was reacting to a trigger from his Special needs, then discharged then returned to his grandparents!!! if you can not cope are your grandparents going to?

 

I cant believe that your poor son is been dragged and further damaged throw the criminal justice system, he is been treated like a criminal, when he is clearly unwell and need proper care and attention from a specialist school.

 

I personally am distraught by the police actions tonight from your post.

 

JsMum

Edited September 12, 2008 by JsMum

[Enid]

iTS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. What are they waiting for, for god sakes, he has already hurt the baby and the behaviour you describe is not something you can live with. Mine was like that between xmas and new year, on new years eve when the police took him away I was too scared to have him back in the house, literally terrifed, dont have to explain that to you, he went into a respite centre, they wont have him back there as they had to employ extra staff to cope with him and they wont pay for a residential. So stale mate. We like you just struggle on. Could he not stay with your parents at weekends? How on earth could a foster parent cope with him anyway. He needs 24 hr structure and setting up for adult life, going on like this he will end up in prision. I know what you are going through, worst thing is the effect on little ones, seeing you so terrified, it worries me sick that mine almost see it as normal, one of the most amazing things for me is that when he is being ok, like the last few weeks, his siblings are brill with him, its like they see him as two different people and react differently to each one. You cannot go on like this its not possible, you cannot wait for a tragedy to happen, cos its going to, leave him with your parents until things are calmer, as long as you can!!!! get them to talk to SS, do anything but do something cos doing nothing is not an option now, things are WAY past that stage, go public if you have too. no one could cope with what you are going through no one at all so dont feel guilty, feel mad, and use it. good luck will be thinking of you and yours please keep posting and lets us know what happens. <'> <'> <'> Enid

[JsMum]

Just want to add that you did the right thing in ringing the police, what I ment is that the police have not really followed throw the right assessments to ensure he was given instant support, they could of done a lot more, and brought in other proffessionals, why they didnt I dont understand, but you have done all the right things, you deserve a real big hug and reasurrance that tonight you did your best, it is not easy when our children are in the Rage Zone.

 

I didnt ring the police last night because I dont want to really admit how he needs urgent help.

 

I hope you were not offended you by saying he is been damaged further by been dragged throw the criminal justice system, its just that his actions are been addressed not the cause, and once he has got use to be arressed and placed in a cell it could be a regular occurance because the causes are not been addressed.

 

Good luck with the outcome with the charges.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

Just to say my lad was put in a cell 3 times that week, for hours at a time, in his PJ`S, They said that once they had taken him away there was nothing they could do as they had no other facilities and once they calm down, they send them home. Its a nightmare really Enid

[Elouise]

I wish I could give a good answer.

 

When Nathan was being this vile; the final straw after a similar catalogue of horrors was finding him trying to stab Sam with the big carving knife; I had my elder daughter Jo round the little kids up and take them outside and lock themselves in my car whilst I stood between them and Nathan at full pelt.

 

When Nathan is home I ALWAYS carry a mobile phone and the house/car keys because bless him he can suddenly vapourise. You know things have got bad when your on first name terms with the local police at the local station. and your speed-dial numbers are 999 and the on-duty emergency psychiatrist/social worker services.

 

I speed dialed his psychiatrist and asked her to just listen..........

Nathan was given a 12 week in-patient placement at the regional CAHMS unit. At this point Nathans future looked like it was going to have to be a secure adolscent unit. I was so tired and beaten up I would have signed anything for some sleep.

This was four years ago.

Not a place I would want to go again it was utterly exhausting. I also reached the point of thinking Nathan would kill Sam or Annie before SS took the problem seriously. [Ha one suggestion was letting the younger kids be temp. fostered and leave me with Nathan!]

 

Nathan was finally assessed by level 4 CAHMS as extremely stressed and distressed, having a severe anxiety disorder and severe depression. CAHMS sorted out the right drugs and worked with Nathan to find ones he was willing to take and in forms he was willing to swallow. That gave a small window to get in with.

He was supposed to have respite but even social services could not offer him a safe provision.

He was supposed to have a residential school placement ; same problems nothing suitable.

I had the police list him as a 'vulnerable young person' for when they had him.

 

I had to grit my teeth and wait another two years to get him into a residential college.

 

Art theraphy, a psychiatrist who was willing to spend a lot of time building up a relationship with Nathan, training in System 3 and a lot of support from his hospital school and now his residential college has begun to make a real positive difference. I have had to fight tooth and claw to get this for him too.

He can still have his moments but the difference now is one I could not imagine ever seeking when things were so b.a.

 

Its hard having to keep fighting for help. It is hard living with a child you love but whose behaviors you do not like. It is worth the effort to keep fighting because when we as parents feel we have to give up everyone in a family suffers and it is okay to say it is hard work, not fair and please give me a hand.

[stressedmumto2]

Lou Lou, I am sorry things have got so bad, you must feel completly drained right now, it's so hard dealing with our kiddies when they do go into violent meltdown's let alone trying to keep another child safe and being pregnant on top. I hope your partner has been able to offer support. It's sad that the school only has a space available next year, could you keep on to them to reconsider giving the seriousness of the situation right now??

 

I know right now you're probably feeling so stressed, angry, hurt etc but don't allow s/s to put Kai into foster care as this will just be an easy option for them and tbh I think it would do him more harm than good. From this I would write a letter to s/w explaining why Kai had the outburst, explain why the current school placement isn't right for Kai and explain why he needs a specialist resi school, if you have lots of other professionals stating that is what he needs ask them to hold a multi agency meeting with all professionals invited who are involved in kai's care, it's awful that they think they can just dump our children with another family and that's going to help the child.

How is kai in school, do you get incident record sheets if he's showing patterns of disruptive behaviour there, if you do then you could use this to show that behaviour hasn't improved and if they don't fill you in you could also ask to see school records, but again he may be keeping it all in at school and then letting out at home which is very common in many ASD children.

 

I don't think the police managed things very well butthis could be a lerning point for them, they need training on ASD.

 

Just want to send you a hug <'> <'> <'> Hope you manage to rest whilst Kai is with your grandparents, take care <'> <'>

[bikemad]

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[stressedmum]

I haven't got any advice to give you but just wanted to send you a hug as I know what you're going through.

My daughter (who is now 14 and has never recieved a diagnosis) was extremely violent for years.

She was always attacking me and her younger brother (right from when he was a baby. He has permanent scars on his forehead from what she's done to him, he even has a "tattoo" on his forehead where she stabbed him really hard with a pencil when he was about 5/6 yrs old). She was always trying to stab us with anything she could get her hands on (knives, screwdrivers etc.), she was always trying to push us down stairs (including a full flight of concrete steps outside our home), trashing the house and loads more other stuff, I could be here all night saying what she did She even used to hurt herself by banging her head against the walls and floors One time, about five years ago, when she tried to stab us I'd had enough and wanted to take the knife and stab her with it so I phoned the doctor for help and he told me to go and see him. When I got there he told me he wasn't allowed to prescribe anything to her to help with her behaviour (because she hadn't been diagnosed) but instead he gave me anti-depressants and told me to go back in two weeks. I missed that appointment because my boyfriend died so when I did go back I had to see a different doctor who turned round to my daughter and said "You've got to be good for your mum because she's poorly" (all because she was reading my notes about being on anti-d's and not my daughter's notes about her issues). I never went back to the doctor after that and I've never received any help with either of my children (my son IS diagnosed ASD), we just muddled through everything on our own.

Anyway, to my point and to give you a glimmer of hope. Over the last few months (since she's gone into puberty and started coming out the other side of it) things have really improved. She is still often verbally evil (especially to her brother) and she still sometimes walks past her brother and hits, kicks or pinches him for no reason but we aren't literally living on a knife edge anymore and things are quite peaceful most of the time now.

I'll shut up rambling now but I hope you do start getting the help you need soon because nobody should have to live in fear of their own child and carry on without support x (hope all of that makes sense, I've had a couple of glasses of "mummy pop").

[Enid]

One of the things I have picked up from many posts, and god I soo hope its true, is that the violence begins to recede once through puberty, its like a shining beacon keeping me from going insane so hope no one pops my bubble! Its hard to believe so many of us and our children are scared/scarred! beaten up and abused by our ASD (dx or not) kids. Wonder if anyone from CAHMS or SS reads these boards!!!!! I too have locked my littlies in the car and then driven it around the corner and run back to the house, leaving DD aged 9 with mobile, to try and damage limitate. I too now think its totaly normal to have house/car keys and mobile on my person at all times, NEVER take my eye off the ball, (well ok I did last sunday when putting bins out and then spent 2 hrs looking/worrying/informing police etc etc, you know the drill) and dont breathe out till he`s asleep, like now just started mummy pop, thank god for it, and this forum <'> . Enid.

Loulou, my love to you and yours, hope things are better. <'>

[caz2007]

HI there sorry about your son beeing arrested i do hope s s do sometime soon you cannot cope with that i would be a good idea if say your son had a few nights away i now when i was at school friends of mine would go too this place for the night and i culd of been up to 2-3 nights a week and stay there for the night but get picked up to go to school

he needs 24/7 supported he need help, you need to get your dr to listen to you it hard another having a baby on the way.

 

i hope today been a bit better

take care

caz

[loulou]

Hi,

 

Well, the weekend did not inprove at all. Kai was in a rage the whole time. Any little thing set him off into major meltdown/tantrum. He ended up attacking my Dad (who is 6ft tall), kicking me and punching me in the back (still in pain from it now), tearing my baby's comfort teddy to shreds ( ) and screaming abuse at my neigbours for cutting their hedge (he liked the patterns the branches made).

This was on top of his usual constant verbal abuse and aggression. My partner was on nights so he was tucked up asleep in his flat (lucky him).

 

I had to call the police out again as I had to barracade myself and the baby in a bedroom whilst Kai was trying to kick the door in to get to us. They didn't do anything that time, but said they would call SS to take him if he did anything else ( ).

 

It's so hard to know what to do in this situation. Arresting him is not the answer, but i can't live like this anymore. I feel in such a state i didn't go in to work today or yesterday.

 

I have spoken to the Social Worker and told her I am not having Kai back in the house after school on Friday. I feel really guilty, as he can't help it, but i can't put myself and my baby/unborn baby at risk anymore. They said they are going to look for an emergency foster placement for him. I dread to think what he'll be feeling when they tell him he can't come back home.

 

I'm going to keep on fighting for a place in the specialsist residential school. He's got a place for NEXT september, but i want hin there now so he gets the help he needs.

 

I'll keep you updated,

 

loulou xxxx

[Flora]

Hi loulou <'>

 

I think you've done exactly the right thing. First of all it means you (as a family) will get more help and support; and secondly Kai needs to learn that he can't keep doing this. When it's explained to him that he can't come home on Friday the person doing the explaining needs to make sure that he understands exactly why, reiterating that you love him but that it's unacceptable for him to violent.

 

Best wishes <'>

 

Flora

[oxgirl]

Loulou <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[madme]

How very sad for you to end up in this position. Hope he gets the help he needs. <'> >< <'>

[Cat]

I do not think that Kia is responsible for his actions at the moment. I am more inclined to think that he is in need of a placement like Eloise's son was given within CAMHS. Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere and there could well be a great deal more going on and needing addressing now than the ASD Maybe the foster placement will prove this to SS.

 

The behaviour is more likely to be a symptom than a cause and it sounds like it's gone way past the point of Kia being able to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. You have all been let down by the system because this has been brewing for years. School does not always solve the issues if they do not fully understand what the issues are and how to handle the child.

 

I really do not think that you have any choice here but to put Kia into foster care. It will hopefully kick them into action because I doubt very much if Kia can contain his behaviour in a foster placement anymore than he can at home. At least someone else when they have fist hand experience of what happens. Hope thay have handed out the hard hats in advance. Foster care is not going to solve this problem there has got to be some medical intervention here and that is what I would be pushing for if this was happening to me.

 

Cat

[Elouise]

LouLou,

 

You have tried everything you can think of and then some.

 

If you feel as exhausted as I did when Nathan went orbital I can understand why you need a break.

If Nathan had not been taken in by CAHMS I would have dumped on SS as the only option I had not tried to try and get him help and give my other kids a chance to be simply kids.At that point if I had not loved him he made my life so hellish I was so exhausted and run down form his behaviour 24/7 and I was so concerned what he might do to the little kids I may have killed him just to make the awful noise and worry stop and so I could get some sleep.

 

Things have been so much nicer since Nathan has been diaognosed as having very complex needs that need very careful management and care plans in place in a special college; I get chance to have time from him and vice versa and they give him chance to learn skills I was too worn out to do. It has really helped all of us.

 

I am so sorry things have got to this point.

I hope this gives you all a much needed break and space to rest. I also hope it opens doors for Kai to get the support and help he needs quickly.

[bid]

Oh Loulou, I'm so sorry <'>

 

Bidxx

[Babylicious]

how awful - hope you are all ok.

 

SS are just useless _ I won't even go there

[av16]

Really sorry to read all of this <'>

AV

[Enid]

Loulou, soo know how you feel, I couldnt go on anymore at new year, and refused to have him back after 3 burly police man had tried to get him under control, and failed, they had to cuff him, arms and legs, too distressing to even think about now, I did get 3 weeks respite and every one was jumping up and down to help, all sorts of back up promised when he came back, non of it happened, at the moment we are going through a calmish time, but am constanly on edge, everyone is, and all the support failed to happen, so stick to your guns, its the ONLY way you will get help, keep posting and let us know how things go. <'> <'> <'> Enid

[Kathryn]

LouLou,

 

<'> <'>

 

I hope this is the beginning of some help for Kai, for all your sakes.

 

K x

[loulou]

Hi Cat,

 

What you said really sums things up. SS won't send Kai to the residential school now as they will have to foot the bill. Next September he is due to go to high school, and as there are no suitable schools in our county, education will be paying for him to go.

 

Our social worker is totally useless, she can't get past the fact that Kai is "ok" at school but not at home. The school are fed up with telling her that this is common with AS children. Basically they're taking the easy/cheapest way out by putting him in Foster Care.

 

I feel that they are setting him up to fail (again) as he will get so distressed and won't cope.

 

On a more positive note, my Dad has now got our local MP involved, so i'm waiting for him to call. Maybe he can do something.

 

Loulou xx

[LittleRae]

loulou <'> >< <'> >< <'> <'>

[Karen A]

Hi Cat,

 

What you said really sums things up. SS won't send Kai to the residential school now as they will have to foot the bill. Next September he is due to go to high school, and as there are no suitable schools in our county, education will be paying for him to go.

 

Our social worker is totally useless, she can't get past the fact that Kai is "ok" at school but not at home. The school are fed up with telling her that this is common with AS children. Basically they're taking the easy/cheapest way out by putting him in Foster Care.

 

I feel that they are setting him up to fail (again) as he will get so distressed and won't cope.

 

On a more positive note, my Dad has now got our local MP involved, so i'm waiting for him to call. Maybe he can do something.

 

Loulou xx

 

I read your last post and felt frustrated and sad.Whatever sort of school Kia is at there will be multiple staff working together.Staff go home at the end of a shift and can take a break if things get too much.

Parents are untrained unqualified individuals [no offence intended for those who are also professionals] who do the best they can.If you were working in a payed capacity and were pregnant then a good employer would be looking into your health and safety.Karen.

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