Forcing independence or knocking confidence?

[oxgirl]

Just feel a bit uneasy and upset about something that happened yesterday. Jay's school is on two sites, on either side of a busy road with an under-road walkway to connect them. Jay has moved over to the site for older children this year, but he has been going back to the other site for a few sessions. Yesterday, he'd gone over to the other site for a session with his helper and when it was time for him to go back he asked who would take him back and he was told, that at nearly 15 he should b old enough to go himself and he was made to do it on his own!

 

I have a few issues with this. One is that they didn't give him any warning at all, just sprung it on him and he wasn't ready for it. He lacks confidence and independence and he said he was terrified and ran as much as he could. When he got over to the other side, he darted in a blind panic across the car park becaue he isn't good with cars and instead of looking where he was going he just ran without paying proper attention. He got back okay, but was quite upset, only to be told, again, that he's nearly 15 and should be able to do it, plus a TA put in that her 11 does it so he should be able to as well!

 

He was very upset when he got home, quite apart from how afraid he had been, it just made him feel really bad about himself. He is very tiny and vulnerable for his age and he's terrified of the other big kids and what could happen to him. The underground tunnel is very scary and I never use it myself. What if he had encountered some rowdy teenagers in there or had been shouted at him or cornered him or knocked about, he would have totally gone to pieces.

 

He says he doesn't feel mature, that nothing about him is 15, he is more like 10 and them forcing this on him in this unsympathetic and insensitive manner has just made him feel even worse about himself.

 

Obviously, I'm all for working on his independence skills, have worked very hard myself on them, but why couldn't they have done it gradually and worked up to it instead of just throwing him in at the deep end like this, I thought it was very unkind and harsh of them.

 

Am I being too soft on him, do you think??

 

~ Mel

Edited October 10, 2008 by oxgirl

[Mumble]

He says he doesn't feel mature, that nothing about him is 15, he is more like 10 and them forcing this on him in this unsympathetic and insensitive manner has just made him feel even worse about himself.

Absolutely - it's well documented that AS individuals have an emotional age of 2/3 their chronological age and there's a big difference between 10 and 15.

 

I don't think you're over-reacting at all - yes, of course it would be ideal to develop his self-confidence and if he could do this alone in the future it would probably give him a real boost, but it isn't just going to happen by being forced into it - the failure that comes with something like that just heightens the feelings of being different and never being able to do it - not very supportive at all. It requires a planned approach working at a pace he is comfortable with and responding to his concerns, however difficult they are for others to understand.

 

There's also health and safety implications as you've noted - the school should have a risk assessment for this - would be interesting to ask them if you could see it....

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I too would have been upset by this. This shouldn't have been sprung on him. Sure, it's good to encourage your son to become more independent, but surely this shoulld be done in a planned way. Could the LA not even have compromised, and 'chummed' Jay so far and given him assurances that she'd be watching him to give him encouragement. In addition, I too, would have been upset at the fact the LA effectively belittled him/knocked his confidence by comparing him to her own child. That's really not acceptable.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline

Edited October 10, 2008 by cmuir

[bid]

I think anything like this needs to be properly planned and taken one step at a time.

 

Good luck with tackling the school

 

Bid <'>

[pearl]

I agree with everyone else, mel. When JP started 6th form at just turned 16 he had never been on a bus alone before. College offered to send a TA to accompany him initially if necessary. He didnt need that as he knew people on the bus, and had a pass, & knew that the bus only went to college. Mr p took him to the bus stop for the first week to get him used to the pelican crossing, after that he was ok.

 

After a few months he decided he wanted to get the service bus home on the days he finished early. The first time, his TA accompanied him to the bus stop & saw him on the bus, then phoned to make sure he'd got home safely. After that, JP was confident enough to do it alone.

 

THATS how anything along these lines should be done. Assess, plan, consult, baby steps.

They have handled this very badly & need to go back to the beginning & start again.

[oxgirl]

Absolutely - it's well documented that AS individuals have an emotional age of 2/3 their chronological age and there's a big difference between 10 and 15.

 

I don't think you're over-reacting at all - yes, of course it would be ideal to develop his self-confidence and if he could do this alone in the future it would probably give him a real boost, but it isn't just going to happen by being forced into it - the failure that comes with something like that just heightens the feelings of being different and never being able to do it - not very supportive at all. It requires a planned approach working at a pace he is comfortable with and responding to his concerns, however difficult they are for others to understand.

 

There's also health and safety implications as you've noted - the school should have a risk assessment for this - would be interesting to ask them if you could see it....

 

 

I found it quite interesting, actually, that Jay himself said that he feels more like a 10 year old and that that is precisely 2/3 his chronological age! He's also the size of a 10/11 year old, which doesn't help him feel grown up.

You're absolutely right. And, I wouldn't mind so much, but they asked me to fill in a risk assessment form at the beginning of the year, which they've 'filed' and on it I wrote about him being unpredictable with roads and traffic but they decided it would be fine to just send him off on his own to sink or swim anyway. I'm fuming!

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Thanks everyone, I know I'm right to be upset about this.

 

Good luck with tackling the school

 

Unfortunately, when I'm upset I just can't express how I feel properly and I don't know how to make them understand. Me and DH had a big row about it last night, he wanted to not 'make a fuss' and allow them their mistakes, but I don't want it happening again. In the end, DH agreed to write a note in the home/school diary about it but it's come back today and either hasn't been read or has been ignored, no acknowledgement at all. If I try and do it face-to-face, I just know I'll get all tongue-tied and they'll run rings around me and accuse me of molly coddling him or something and they won't understand what I'm trying to tell them or will take it as me criticizing them and take offence and somehow I'll be in the wrong. I get so frustrated that I just end up crying and then later feeling resentful and angry towards them.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

Mel, I think you express your situation beautifully here in your post so why not copy and paste relivant parts of this post and post it to the Headteacher of your sons school and send a copy to the chair of goveners who is responsible for SEN, that is how I get to the point most of the time is by either email or letter, so how about writing to them?

 

I think they have neglected their responsibilities and it is a health and safety issue, the school need to ensure that your son doesnt exeprience this again.

 

I really do hope that you can find a way to let the school know just how you feel as its very important.

 

Js development is around a 6yr old mostly but roads Id say he has the same development as a year old for road sence.just walks straight out into traffic!!!

 

So it could be when it come to road awareness his development is even more impaired.

 

JsMum

[JsMum]

Just to clarify my post is more about a letter of complaint, some schools take notice and others completely ignore them, but its worth a shot with your school, there will be policies in place for your school for a letter of complaint and how to do it.

 

Sadly the only way to see chances in some situations is to complain.

 

JsMum

[baddad]

Hi mel -

 

just trying to clarify something in my own head... you said 'he was very upset when he came home...'

Does he travel to/from school in a taxi, or does he walk/bus there independently? If it's the latter, then I don't see the problem with school having the same expectations of him. If it's the former, then, at fifteen, a staged approach to teaching him this vitally important independence skill seems overdue, and a letter to the school to that effect makes perfect sense. Does he have the skills/confidence to i.e. visit friends alone, go to local shops - stuff like that?

Mumble - Sorry, the age thing you mention is really a bit of a red herring/generalisation. If oxgirl's son is attending a specialist school (AS specific?) then the 11 year old he is being (unfairly) compared to is making the journey successfully with an 'adjusted' age of four - eight!. It's an individual thing and generalisations like that completely overlook individuality. Ben started walking to school on his own at nine - even riding his bike there if the weather was good. That wouldn't be appropriate or safe for some kids, but for Ben it was. Had Ben's school been further away, or had there been numerous main roads involved rather than just the one he was heavily 'trained' in crossing safely, it wouldn't have been appropriate for him either.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

[Kazzen161]

I would put your thoughts in writing and take it in to the school reception in person. While you are there, ask for a copy of the SEN and the Complaints policies (get's them a bit worried!).

 

I would stress that you are happy for them to teach him to be independent in a carefully staged way, but just telling him that he should be able to do it, will not mean that he then can. If an LSA walked him there, they must have accepted that he needed help - what changed over the hour he was there? - did he suddenly learn to walk back alone?

 

I would also strongly stress the safety aspect. His risk assessment said he was not safe around car parks (and his judgement would be even poorer when stressed), and he could have been run over. Stress that if this were to happen you would hold the school fully responsible.

[JsMum]

What about another risk assessment, to inculde his vunrability to social context too, bullying, his emotional and mental needs to be addressed too.

 

JsMum

[Cat]

The first thing that jumps out at me is the lack of understanding on the schools part. Just because they think that your son is old enough to do something unsupported does not mean that he is old enough to do something unsupported. I would also question how much the school actually understand autism given that most autistic people do not like things sprung on them no matter what age they are.

 

I have a friend whose son is at a Special School and part of his time spent there is teaching him and supporting him to do things independently. He is never just pushed into something which they have not been working at for weeks.

 

I would question if the underpass which you have described is a suitable place for any child with a special need to be negotiating while they are in the care of the school. I fully understand that kids have accidents while at school but what if someone had jumped your son while he was making his way through the underpass? How would they have fed that back to you? Surely the plan is to work up to things and not just through a child in at the deep end?

 

I have two sons with autism and they are so different that it is hard to believe that they are brothers who have autism. My eldest is 21 and he still needs supporting or he never leaves the house. He has massive issues with car and where he and the cars are in time and space. I sent him to school aged 11 on his own and found out the hard way that he was not making his issue with traffic up. He was hit by a car and ended up in hospital. He has had counselling and therapy but is still unable to negotiate traffic. Just because he is 21 does not mean that I make him do it. My eldest will walk ten miles out of his way if he thinks that it is going to let him avoid bumping into the local youths who hang around the shops where we live. My youngest aged 11 is a total opposite to his brother. He cycles to the local shops, chains up his bike and then goes into the shop to buy whatever it is he or I wants. The yobs bother him not and nor do the cars. The eldest of the two has a diagnosis of AS while the youngest has one of autism but I know which one is the more disabled by their spectrum condition.

 

My eldest hates the fact that he has no confidence and that he lives life forever on the fringe of things. I can fully understand why your son was in such a state yesterday. Self esteem is a big issue for autistic individuals and what they did yesterday was effectively to pull the rug from underneath your son. I am one of these people who does apply the emotional/chronological rule of thumb to my kids as do many of the leading professionals now. I know that my youngest has an emotional age much nearer his chronological age then his elder brother and knowing that helps me to meet both of their needs.

 

My take is that the school acted irresponsibly yesterday and my biggest issue would be them expecting a vulnerable lad to negotiate an under pass, where it was impossible for them to know if anyone was lurking, while they had the duty of care for your son without him being prepared and supported to do so.

 

Cat

[Flora]

I'm at a bit of an advantage here in that I know the school and the area. One of the busiest roads in the city splits the two sites and there are also lots of undesirables hanging about near that underpass!!! I wouldn't have been happy if this had been my son and no planning had been involved, (ie discussions on how to deal with any potential problems etc).

 

Flora

[Mumble]

Mumble - Sorry, the age thing you mention is really a bit of a red herring/generalisation. If oxgirl's son is attending a specialist school (AS specific?) then the 11 year old he is being (unfairly) compared to is making the journey successfully with an 'adjusted' age of four - eight!. It's an individual thing and generalisations like that completely overlook individuality.

Agreed that it's an individual thing and I don't know the area etc... But the two-thirds emotional to chronological age is a well used indicator and I think can be helpful in understanding some of the issues - but of course everyone has different issues/backgrounds/environments. I thought it was interesting that oxgirl's son said he felt like a 10 year old at 15 and I was putting this in some context - I know that it would have been helpful to me to know this growing up as I always felt an emotional/age-gap distance from my peers at school that become rapidly more noticeable as I went through secondary education and felt more 'different'. I think the 11 year old in comparison here is NT - but as we're all different, NT or ASD, any comparison is a bit unfair.

[oxgirl]

Does he travel to/from school in a taxi, or does he walk/bus there independently?

 

He gets the taxi there and I collect him and bring him home.

 

.............at fifteen, a staged approach to teaching him this vitally important independence skill seems overdue,

 

Anyone who has seen my posts in the past will know how hard I've worked on increasing his independence. I spent the entire previous Summer working him up to being able to walk across to the shop on his own, step by agonizing step, but he lacks motivation and needs a constant push to do it, it's not something that he's raring to do as some other children are. In fact, he doesn't WANT independence, which makes it doubly hard work. But, I have tried.

 

Does he have the skills/confidence to i.e. visit friends alone, go to local shops - stuff like that?

 

He doesn't have the confidence and he doesn't have any friends either. What a failure I am.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

If oxgirl's son is attending a specialist school (AS specific?).................

 

It's a mainstream secondary school with an ASD unit attached. He's based in the unit but attends a few mainstream lessons.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

I would also question how much the school actually understand autism given that most autistic people do not like things sprung on them no matter what age they are.

 

Yes, and considering it's supposedly a specialist unit for children with autism, I'm continually amazed at the lack of understanding the staff show about, er, autism. They leave me speechless.

 

~ Mel ~

[baddad]

He gets the taxi there and I collect him and bring him home.

 

 

 

Anyone who has seen my posts in the past will know how hard I've worked on increasing his independence. I spent the entire previous Summer working him up to being able to walk across to the shop on his own, step by agonizing step, but he lacks motivation and needs a constant push to do it, it's not something that he's raring to do as some other children are. In fact, he doesn't WANT independence, which makes it doubly hard work. But, I have tried.

 

 

 

He doesn't have the confidence and he doesn't have any friends either. What a failure I am.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Hi mel -

 

you seem to have taken my post out of context... I certainly wasn't saying you were a 'failure', I was just asking some questions to get a clearer picture - Does he have the confidence, not 'he should have'... every child is different, which was the point I made about age.

 

The second quote you took from my post actually said:

 

a staged approach to teaching him this vitally important independence skill seems overdue, and a letter to the school to that effect makes perfect sense .

 

I was, in fact, saying that the school, if the circumstances demanded, should have been responding differently and that it made perfect sense to tell them so.

 

Hope that clears that up

 

Oh PS re your other post: with regard to the school's comment about that 11 year old, I actually said that comparisons like that were unfair, and that age is largely irrelevent because it depends on individual skills/abilities. Presumably, though, the 11 year old mentioned here is also from the ASD unit, otherwise he wouldn't be making the same journey?

Edited October 10, 2008 by baddad

[bid]

Mel <'> <'>

 

You're not a failure at all hun...I well remember the care, hard work and preparation you took last year supporting your son to walk to the shop <'>

 

All our children are different, and sometimes they make quantum leaps in their independence and sometimes they take small steps. When my son was 15 he couldn't use public transport, not because we had neglected his independence skills, but because developmentally he could not cope with it at that time. Since then we have been extremely lucky because he has made some quantum leaps, but in other areas he is still taking small steps.

 

Please don't feel a failure.

 

Bidx <'>

[Mumble]

He doesn't have the confidence and he doesn't have any friends either. What a failure I am.

<'> <'> <'> <'>

You are not a failure and I know how hard you have worked with him over the Summer. You are also not over-reacting on this - I don't know the area, so can't comment specifically but applying any similar area I know to the difficulties you've talked about your son having doesn't seem a nice combination for him to be thrown into. The approach has to be staged, which is what you have been working on - all that this will have done will have throw him into a situation where the good work is forgotten as he dwells on the negatives.

 

It is something that can be very difficult for those not on the inside or directly involved with the person to understand - I can see that. I know I'm much older, but I've been in a similar situation with my university recently - I'd been on a very staged approach joining a uni club and gained so much confidence only to have it ruined by someone who didn't understand telling me I had to try harder, make more effort and throwing me into a situation I was totally uncomfortable with - the previous positives may as well not have happened as I was in a situation where I couldn't cope but could see others doing what was 'normal' and my brain did focus on the negatives and "I'll never be able tos". It put me back, not to square one, but prior to that. I'm trying again, because I'm too overly determined to succeed to let others' misunderstandings stop me, but it is so easy for others to say "others do it so why can't you?". It is really difficult, because those on the outside can't see what the problem is, they don't feel the immense anxiety and fear building up inside and the virtually paralysing effect it can have in some situations and as they haven't experienced the same themselves they don't see a problem.

 

Have you talked much to your son about what happened - what I would be doing is highlighting the positives that despite being put in that situation, he coped (albeit with mega-anxiety) and try and begin to use it - the school do need to be aware, because I bet he was thinking about that after than concentrating on his school work, and he may now be worrying about it happening again which could also influence all sorts of other things. He's an individual and he'll get there in his own time with support and understanding. <'>

[oxgirl]

Hi mel -

 

you seem to have taken my post out of context... I certainly wasn't saying you were a 'failure', I was just asking some questions to get a clearer picture - Does he have the confidence, not 'he should have'... every child is different, which was the point I made about age.

 

The second quote you took from my post actually said:

 

a staged approach to teaching him this vitally important independence skill seems overdue, and a letter to the school to that effect makes perfect sense .

 

I was, in fact, saying that the school, if the circumstances demanded, should have been responding differently and that it made perfect sense to tell them so.

 

Hope that clears that up

 

Oh, sorry, I guess I thought that you were saying that seeing as I'd not bothered to teach him any independence skills over the last 15 years then it was up to the school to step in and do something about it. Maybe I feel that the school think I'm a failure for not having taught him this stuff before, feeling a bit over-sensitive at the mo, soz.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Thanks Bid and Mumble, <'>

I just don't feel that the school see or understand the effect that things like this have on him, I really feel that they see his problems as a failure on my part to help him with these things, but if they only could see how far he's come and how much hard work we put in. But instead they just see a problem and automatically see it as a failure on our part and I'm really worn down by it. I don't think they're going to take this on board and understand how badly it effects his confidence and I'm terrified that something will happen to him in that dingy tunnel that will just about finish him off.

 

~ Mel ~

[Cat]

Oxgirl if you are a failure then I am one to. My son is 21 and wont leave the house alone. He wont go to the corner shop that his brother cycles to quite happily. Knowing that his 11 autistic brother can do this while he can not make him tie himself up in knots I know that for a fact. We can only do what we can do and you are doing all that you can - shame that the school are not following your example.

 

Cat

[oxgirl]

Have you talked much to your son about what happened - what I would be doing is highlighting the positives that despite being put in that situation, he coped (albeit with mega-anxiety) and try and begin to use it -

 

Yep, I talked to him a lot about it yesterday and he was very down about the whole experience and felt a failure really. I asked him if he thought that by doing it more often he'd get used to it and it would become easier but he says he doesn't want to do it again and, I think you're right, he's now worrying about next time he goes over there if they're going to make him do it again or not! I tried to get him to tell me why it was so frightening for him but he just kept saying, 'anything could happen to me'. He is afraid of all the big kids walking around, maybe he feels he'll be attacked, although he didn't put this into words. I think he just feels small and vulnerable and alone out there in the big wide world and he's not ready to deal with it emotionally yet, even if people think he should be.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Thanks Cat, sorry that you're in the same boat. <'>

 

Knowing that his 11 autistic brother can do this while he can not make him tie himself up in knots I know that for a fact.

 

I think this is the worst of it, that the school made him feel that he should be able to do something and held this other child up as an example of his obvious failure, it was plain for him to see. They might have thought it was a motivator but it had absolutely the opposite effect and just made him feel even worse about himself than he already does and sapped his confidence more, this angers me more than anything else really. He knows he can't do things other kids his age (AND YOUNGER) can, but he doesn't need his nose rubbed in it.

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

Mel, I too would be vey upset and unhappy about this, I would have expected the school to have discussed it with me first and then planned it in full with my child and then taken steps to build it up, perhaps say a member of staff waiting at each end of the underpath.

 

Our children can really lack confidence and incidents like this can be really damaging. I am so cross and upset for both of you.

 

I too also remember all the work you have doen with Jay regarding his indepence and he was doing so well, but that was because it was planned and carefully built up.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, be hard on the school and have a letter of complaint prepared to go in first thing Monday morning.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[oxgirl]

I'm at a bit of an advantage here in that I know the school and the area. One of the busiest roads in the city splits the two sites and there are also lots of undesirables hanging about near that underpass!!! I wouldn't have been happy if this had been my son and no planning had been involved, (ie discussions on how to deal with any potential problems etc).

 

Flora

 

 

Flora, I never, EVER use that underpass, it terrifies me. The thought of coming up against a bunch of six foot hoodies is enough to make me tackle that road any day. The thought of my baby on his own in that place scares the life out of me.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Thanks Clare <'> <'>

I'd best go and have a cuppa, 'cos I'm working myself up into a state about it now.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

Oh, sorry, I guess I thought that you were saying that seeing as I'd not bothered to teach him any independence skills over the last 15 years then it was up to the school to step in and do something about it. Maybe I feel that the school think I'm a failure for not having taught him this stuff before, feeling a bit over-sensitive at the mo, soz.

 

~ Mel ~

Oxygirl why do you think that some schools use this aproach, its to keep your confidence low, and so you dont complain, so that you wont feel justified in expressing your worries and concerns, if the school treat you like a failure then your less likely to respond with letters of complain, they are doing this to keep you away, dont let them.

 

You have a right to be listened to, and action taken.

 

your son has a bigger right to have his needs recognised, and met.

 

JsMum

[Clare63]

JSmum that is so right, Mel don't let them beat you down, you know your child better than anyone else and you are fab Mum.

 

Clare x x x

[Kazzen161]

>>and I'm terrified that something will happen to him in that dingy tunnel that will just about finish him off.>>

 

That is why you need to WRITE to the school re: your concerns and holding them responsible. Then there is always evidence, and they would be stupid to go against it.

 

I presume he has a Statement and LSA support? Why do the school think he has a Statement if they could just tell him to do things and he would be fine? If they continue to insist on your son walking on his own, I would not send him into school on those days and write to say why you are keeping him at home (as the school are not ensuring he is safe) and send a copy to the LEA. This is why it is important to put your concerns in writing.

 

I don't think I would like to go down that tunnel (I wonder what the risk assessment for that for the NT children looks like?). Also tunnels tend to be scary in that there is no easy escape route (eg: to the sides) and also have accoustics that could overload a child with AS.

[Suze]

Hi Mel <'> , I agree with everyone who thought this was a big step to far for your boy, and underpasses scare the pants off me , don,t like them at all!!.........................

...........just wanted to add , that schools should be teaching independence in our kids , but not in this manner, my son attends a unit and they have worked on him walking about the school independently from his class etc back to the unit, they,ve done it gradually and because of this my boy has coped well.They have had set backs, like other kids shutting doors in his face and banging into him deliberately , but they,ve done it slowly and coached my son after each set back.I,m sorry the staff who care for your boy haven,t had more patience and taken more time.Tell your boy from me that I think he was very brave to do this on his own, <'>

[julieann]

Just feel a bit uneasy and upset about something that happened yesterday.

 

Hi Oxgirl ,

I would be more than a little bit uneasy if that happened to my son. I'd be furious

 

I support a Yr 10 girl with A/S who although she has matured physically, mentally she has an age of a Yr 6 pupil.

 

My pupil dual places at a specialist school which is on the other side of our school field.

 

Initially she was taken and collected by car.

Then I walked over with her and her mum picked her up.

Then she asked if she could go by herself.

It was agreed with mum first and a sixth former makes sure she signs out at our school, then watches her walk across the field were she is met by a staff member at the specialist school end.

 

Unfortunately after only a few days of this our learning support co-ordinator and the specialist school decided xxxx had got the hang of it and could go over the field without any help or supervision. Just a phone call to specialist school to say she is on her way.

 

On the way xxxx encounted a group of older specialist school pupils (boys) who shouted comments "Where are you from? How did you get here?" and she is know terrified of going over to the specialist school.

Our learning co-ordinator has know taken the stance that xxxx is trying it on and just wants attention. I noticed that this week on the days she should have walked to her specialist school she has been off sick.

 

 

It takes three people to organise this only two days a week.

The issue with the secondary schools seems to be that whilst they don't mind putting themselves out (which is how it is seen)for a few days they aren't prepared to do it long term. As we (parents of pupils on the spectrum) all know even if things are going well it only takes one incident and your back at step one. Our secondary school doesn't seem to have worked this out yet.

 

Julieann

[oxgirl]

Thanks again everyone. I lay awake in bed last night sweating with the thoughts of what could have happened to him racing round my head. I'm more furious than ever that they've put him in this position, but from previous experience with these people I know it will go badly and I'll end up being the baddy for having dared to criticize them and their hard work. I'd so hoped to have a good relationship with these people at this new site, but, he's only been there a few weeks and I've lost confidence in them already.

 

~ Mel ~

[puffin]

Hi mel -

 

Oh PS re your other post: with regard to the school's comment about that 11 year old, I actually said that comparisons like that were unfair, and that age is largely irrelevent because it depends on individual skills/abilities. Presumably, though, the 11 year old mentioned here is also from the ASD unit, otherwise he wouldn't be making the same journey?

 

I'm sorry but I did not read the OP in that way at all

He got back okay, but was quite upset, only to be told, again, that he's nearly 15 and should be able to do it, plus a TA put in that her 11 does it so he should be able to as well!

 

I read this that the TA was comparing him with her own child - not another in the unit and was basically calling him a baby for not being able to do this by himslef with no preparation

 

I think that the attitude of the TA was quite shocking and designed to undermine confidence

[puffin]

Thanks again everyone. I lay awake in bed last night sweating with the thoughts of what could have happened to him racing round my head. I'm more furious than ever that they've put him in this position, but from previous experience with these people I know it will go badly and I'll end up being the baddy for having dared to criticize them and their hard work. I'd so hoped to have a good relationship with these people at this new site, but, he's only been there a few weeks and I've lost confidence in them already.

 

~ Mel ~

 

I think that you are right to be upset - I think that the TA acted very unprofessionally by forcing this on him with no warning or preparation and then basically mocking the fact that he was upset. I would certainly take this further with the school.

[bikemad]

Imho thats very wrong and id be totally fuming. <'>

[oxgirl]

Oh PS re your other post: with regard to the school's comment about that 11 year old, I actually said that comparisons like that were unfair, and that age is largely irrelevent because it depends on individual skills/abilities. Presumably, though, the 11 year old mentioned here is also from the ASD unit, otherwise he wouldn't be making the same journey?

 

I read this that the TA was comparing him with her own child - not another in the unit and was basically calling him a baby for not being able to do this by himslef with no preparation

 

 

Just to clarify, for what it's worth, you're both right. The TA was talking about her own child, who is actually ASD and has just started in the Unit on the other site across the road! At the end of some days he comes over to meet his mum and obviously, he is more able in this area than my lad and that's great for him, but it's still not fair to compare Jay less favourably with him and make him feel small and useless, which is what it did.

 

Not sure where to begin with having words with the people involved, several seem to have played a part in it. I'm worried that that is the general attitude and sometimes attitudes can't be changed no matter what you say. He's due to go over to the other site for lunch on Monday and I'm worried that he'll be reluctant to go in case they make him do it again. If they do, or make further comments about him and his abilities then I will def. be very cross indeed and will send a stern email. So far DH has written a low-key note in the home/school diary, which doesn't appear to have been seen yet. It's Saturday night and I'm anxious and churned up about Monday already.

 

~ Mel ~

[chris54]

Just makes you wonder how much these people really know about autism.

 

Even if the person involved didnt know you son and what he was able to do,knowing about his ASD you would ask if he would be OK or if they would like someone to go with him.

Also as has be said the school have a duty to make sure he is safe, this should take into account his condition and not just say "well he is 15 so..."

 

No by the sound of it I don't think they got it right at all.

If it was me I would tell the school that I was not at all happy etc etc.