More Upset - AJ Arrested Last Night

[Stella63]

Hi,

 

Following on from the events of last weekend, things kicked off big time last night. AJ 'persuaded' his brother to buy an online World of Warcraft account off him for �25. OJ wasn't sure he wanted it but AJ was being really nice to him so he agreed but said he wasn't due pocket money til saturday. AJ then demands the money from us, even told dh to go to the cashpoint to get it! Dealt with him in a calm manner explaining that he wouldn't get it til satureday and why did he need it so urgently. He went completely off on one, went upstairs, got a metal curtain pole and went outside trying to smash a hole in our garage. We called the police, before they came he came back threatening and intimidating us. DH wouldn't open the door and he left with the pole. The police got the helicopters out looking for him and eventually found him and arrested him for criminal damage. We said we wanted him charged, we wouldn't be with him as appropriate adult and we didn't want him to come home.

 

I know that may sound really harsh but we are at our wits end with him - we have reached the point where we are victims in our own home, everything locked away, worrying whether he will start taking tv's, laptops etc to feed whatever he is needing the money for. I am scared of him and OJ is terrified - this is not the way it should be.

 

Today, I told the police we wanted him put in short term respite foster care and advised social services the same. His social worker is off sick, her manager wasn't available (and bear in mind I had no response or call regarding my phone call on monday!) I was warned by my parent support worker (youth justice service), who is fantastic, that they would try anything not to take him into care and, boy, they did!! I spent the whole day arguing with them, saying I was at breakdown point, OJ has special needs, we needed at least a weekends respite, but no, the manager made a decision that it wasn't available and we could have a sessional worker come and take AJ out tomorrow afternoon to give us a break (as if AJ would go along with that!!) . When I asked what would happen if we still refused to have hime home I was told he would be classed as an abandoned child and therefore if he got into any trouble it would then be our fault.

 

DH brought him home and he is angry with us (its all our fault), no remorse at all and nothing has changed - not the outcome we wanted. I feel so angry and let down with SS, they have dumped the whole thing back on our doorstop, we have no respite and I feel that I have just fought WW3 singlehanded, OJ is completely traumatised by it and AJ has 'got it away with it' again.

 

We will be putting in an official complaint about SS but it probably won't change anything - we have to wait until he actually physically attacks one of us, preferably with a knife and then we might get a day or so's respite - I don't feel that I can carry on with these battles, I love my son but I don't know who he is.

 

Stella

[NickyB]

Oh, Stella, I don't know what to say

 

I really hope you can get someone to listen to you - surely they can see that you need some urgent help?

 

Sending you lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Nicky x

[Clare63]

Stella how awful for you all. Not that I am sticking up for AJ, but he sounds so desparate, are the police unable to get to the bottom of his desparation to get money, do you think someone is after him.

 

As for SS, God you must feel so let down.

 

I wish I knew what to do or say to help you, I can not beigin to imagin what you are going through, but am thinking of you and am here if you ever want to call me.

 

Clare x x x

[JsMum]

If a parent request accomadation then surely social services have to provide it, Im sure Ive read it somewhere in the childrens act or something similair.

 

its classed as Accomadation by social services, you had more than ample to prove that it was a safety issue especially for AJ too.

 

If anything happens tonight recontact the police, surely this cant happen? Im speechless though the SS have done the same to me, hence I read further information on Accomadtion for Looked after children throw the Social services.

 

It doesnt make sence to wait for a total tragidy though the ss are especially exeperienced in this, I wonder why that is, because they dont have any preventative measures.

 

JsMum

[JsMum]

Here is the Childrens Act 1989 part 3.

 

http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts1989/ukpga_19890041_en_4

 

look at provisions of accomadation for children. in general.

 

Hope it helps.

 

JsMum

Edited October 10, 2008 by JsMum

[bikemad]

<'>

[Enid]

Oh God you poor thing, I sooo know what you are going through, pm if you want, I have been in your situation many times, when I refused to have him back at new year, very similar situation, I was on my knees to police woman, I said, dont bring him back he`s going to kill me, they found him somewhere, a part of me still feels guilty, but I was too scared. I said to the SW last week, when he was trying to kill himself, literally. what if I just cant do it anymore, and she said we will find him somewhere, havnt had time to read J`smum advice but its usually good My heart goes out to you, and the others on this site who are dealing with so much violence, that our everyday lifes become a battle for survival. <'> <'> <'> <'> Enid

[chris54]

Hi Stella

 

I think that your strongest argument about getting AJ into care is on the ground of danger to OJ.

 

And don't let the authority's frighten you into having him back "Next time".If he is in police custody they wont just turn him out on the street with out an appropriate adult and if you refuse point blank then SS have no chose.

[chris54]

Hi Again.

 

Been talking to someone today about your problem.

What you did wrong was to contact SS your self, What you should have done it just tell the police that you would not act as his suitable adult, did not want anything to do with him, that you would not have him home as he was a danger to the rest of the family and leave it to the police to sore it out with SS.

 

I know it is not easy to just walk away from your child but you have to think of the rest of you.

 

And he can not be an abandoned child if he is in police custody.

[Stella63]

Hi

 

Thanks for all your support, things are quiet at the moment but I still feel absolutely shattered and I am walking on egg shells around him - it's not fair and its not right.

 

Chris, you're right and I think what also went against us is the fact they were not shouting and swearing down the phone at SS so they make a judgement that we are in control! It infuriates me that they didn't do any kind of risk assessment, no one came to see us face to face, we could have shown them all the damage he has done to our house.

 

And we were advised by the police to contact SS, which is why we got in touch with them - its very difficult when you don't understand the system and my state of mind on the day was obviously not good.

 

Jsmum, thankyou for the link, I have printed it off so i can have it as a resource for the next time, cos I know there will be!

 

Stella x

[KezT]

Not much help, but FYI: SS don't have to take a child into care becos the parent requests it, but they do HAVE to if the child requests it. what is his view on it all?

 

 

[Stella63]

Hi KezT,

 

His take is he wants to be at home because he has all his creature comforts around him - no way would he choose to be somewhere else as he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong - it is all our fault and everyone involved!!!

 

Interestingly, since the incident, SS have now read the file and realised that they have stuffed up, the original assessment plan written last december states that he was a child in need, at risk of offending (which he then did), the family was at risk of breakdown and needed immediate respite (which we do) and the effect he was having on OJ - nothing was done and they have now got to address that. There is an emergency meeting set up for 9th November so .....watch this space!!!

 

Stella x

[KezT]

Glad they're doing something - even if a bit late.

 

My son still hasn't got a SW. I phoned in tears when he was suspended for violent behaviour at the end of last term - didn't know how we were going to get through the summer hols. We've got two little girls too, and hubby is physically disabled & can't chase/restrain etc (as well as not being terribly good and coping with sons aspergers). i work 3 days a week & I really thought someone might be murdered. SS ignored my messages until i finally sent aletter to the head of a dept. then I got a curt call, it lasted about 30 secs, told I should contact NAS & hung up!!!

 

I haven't bothered to follow it up tbh, although i will have to find the energy sometime.......

[Enid]

Stella. we also have emergency meetin on 10th!! if yours is on the 9th than its on a sunday!! got all the bigwigs finally listening, and tomorrow I have got my second opinion meeting at a CAHMS in a different authority! thats ruffled a few feathers I can tell you! feeling great as have had a calm week, so batteries recharged, ready for half term. Hope all goes well at your meeting, we will both be on here on the 10th reporting/comparing outcomes! take care. Enid

[Stella63]

OOOps!!! I meant the 6th not the 9th (thats OJ's singing comp!!)

 

Ditto Enid, feeling calm and recharged, also got some great people coming to this meeting so loads of support - I can't wait to be honest - the battle commences!!!!!

 

Stella x

[joybed]

Hope you eventually get the support you all need. <'>

[Stella63]

KezT,

I fully understand what you have experienced - you have to protect your own and SS just aren't interested until something really bad happens - there is no prevention in place and that makes things really scary when you go through situations like ours.

 

I know that this forum has given me more info and support than anything else and by sharing our experiences and knowledge we are helping each other and hopefully will enable us to access the 'system' with stronger arguments and a stronger morale that we are not alone - well thats how I feel anyway!!

 

Stella x

[SuzyQ]

Hi,

 

What I am going through seems so easy compared to some of you.

Is is true that if a child asks to go into care they can't refuse? My DD is 14 she has Aspergers and we have had one meeting with SS Rapid Response, after that DD was so angry because she doesn't want to live with me, she has spent 4 weeks living with my mum when before this she wouldn't be away from me at all and if she was she would call me all the time etc

After spending a week at home she ran away and I had to get the police to find her, she was only gone 24 hours of so but it was awful. She is hearing voices and seeing visions and CAMHS have only told me a smidgen of what is going on i feel they have put her on abilify and warned her not to touch canabis....I feel like I live with jekyl and hyde, so wondered about the fact that if she asks to be taken away from me whether they have to sit up and listen as I feel there is no support. I have also been told by CAMHS that they feel she is a real suicide risk and not to let her out of my sight!!! She is 5'9 and weighs over 12 stone, I am only 5'6 I can't restrain her if she turns !!!

 

As for you Stella, How have you coped!! I take my hat off to you as I say My Daughters problems seem like nothing. my heart goes out to you it really does <'>

[Stella63]

Hi Suzy,

 

Thanks for the support. Your situation is so different but yet the effect it must have on your family is the same. Part of me wishes that AJ did exactly that and wanted to leave but he knows that life at home is easier than walking away from it but the rest of us are now victims and he feels that he is in control, which is scary. Having searched the internet for info about AJ and the whole Jekyl and Hyde thing the only thing I can come up with is Conduct Disorder which his psychiatrist is also agreeing with but with your daughter, are you looking at the schizophrenia/ bi polar scenarios with the hearing voices etc? And what does Abilify do and what is it prescribed for?

 

I know I keep saying this but if it wasn't for this place I would probably not be the sane person that I am and it is only by being open about our problems that I feel I get any support (and lots of hugs!!!!)

 

Stella xx

[hev]

hello stella,someone mentioned rapid response ss,never heard of it,can someone explain thanks x

[BuntyB]

hello stella,someone mentioned rapid response ss,never heard of it,can someone explain thanks x

 

i'm assuming it works the same way as other departments. SS can't provide a service unless the child has been assessed as being eligible and meets the criteria. If there is an out of hours crisis that won't wait, rapid response can fill the gap.

 

I really feel for anyone who feels desperate enough to have to contact social services, but when you do, I think it's important to bear a few things in mind.

1. The social worker is there to protect your child not you.

 

2.if you have read the link, you'll notice the aim of the Children Act is to keep families together

 

If your child is running you ragged, they have a duty to refer you to services which would help (hence NAS suggestion).

 

The way you get help is when your child is in danger because you aren't capable of looking after him. You are entitled to a carers assessment, so you can ask for one and your abilities have to be taken into account. I would recommend you allow enough time for them to assess and plan the respite if possible. Finding emergency placements is very difficult and they tend to use family where possible.

 

The suggestion that your younger child can be assessed as being in danger from an older sibling is a valid point. But it is quite hard to prove.

 

I feel really sorry you have to put up with all of this. there should really be a SS department for stressed mothers. <'> <'> <'> <'>