holidays again

[alexmum2]

Although my ds loves not having to go to school during the summer holidays; it's dispair for me. Every day I try and plan for us to do things, go to the cinema library bowling ect but it's always the same we always end up going on our own!; (he has only one school friend from his new school, which he wont contact out of school), (and i dont have their phone number,)we spend all of our time on our own. I unfortunately have no family to speak of, for us to go visit or spend time with. He wont go swimming any longer as he has put on weight,I invite old school friends who we used to do things with during past summer hols but they are always too busy doing things with other people(as tehy are all at different schools to my ds) or working (We moved house last year) So it's just me and ds.

Our next door neighbour has 2 kids both younger than ds, she works as a ta at a local school, and when we first moved in she came round and introduced herself, and invited us round for coffee but the one time we did go she was busy and did not arrange another time for us to go back; she also goes out a lot with her kids during school hols; there is also another mum on the close where we live, she has 3 kids around the same age as ds, I have spoken to her a few times and explained my son's condition and she even said that we would have to get together some time however this has never materialisted, when i did broached the subject i drew a blank.

Today my neighbours kids and the other ladies children were all playing together in the close! Not one of them called to see if my ds wanted to join in, even though my neighbours must have known we were in. It's heart breaking! Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? I feel so isolated.

[bikemad]

<'> >< <'> >< We have exactly the same here...my ds has 1 friend n they do nothing together out of school cos ds wont leave the house incase the bully boy is out so basically it is me n ds each n every day...when I walk the dog I see all the other kids out playing n know it aint even entered their head to knock for ds not that he would go if they did...it breaks my heart n I often cry for my son over it.....no advice but didnt want you to feel alone..... <'> >< <'> ><

[MelowMeldrew]

MY son and I always are alone these days, he won't do anything with anyone else, lately he seems bored with that and wants to be completely alone to do nothing at all ! If we asked others to go with us, he'd shut down and not communicate at all until they went, he certainly would not interact with them, and highly likely to call the whole thing off. I do find lately the whole thing to be a pointless exercise. Thinking why go there ? or there ? I just know he won't be part of or contribute anything, I Keep trying, there's always a chance something might click.... I've absolutely run out of most ideas at present, to involve him in anything at all, and recently he has backed out of all inclusive play options he was offered, abandoned youth club (he never took apart in anything anyway !), has refused to go on holiday this year, costing me and Mum a lot of money, support services simply said "He obviously cannot cope outside the home, so no point in allocating that option" and they just went). I feel he is getting little outside input at all, and determined NOT to particiapte as well, blinkin' teens !

[alexmum2]

<'> >< <'> >< We have exactly the same here...my ds has 1 friend n they do nothing together out of school cos ds wont leave the house incase the bully boy is out so basically it is me n ds each n every day...when I walk the dog I see all the other kids out playing n know it aint even entered their head to knock for ds not that he would go if they did...it breaks my heart n I often cry for my son over it.....no advice but didnt want you to feel alone..... <'> >< <'> ><

Thanks Bikemad for your reply just reading it makes me feel less alone as well as sad for you and your ds. Hope things get better for you both in the future; as i hope they will for me and my ds. <'> <'>

[alexmum2]

MelowMeldrew Hi my ds not a teen yet so I'm trying my best not to let him become the recluse i think he may become if i don't make him do things or go places with me; Like your ds probably, he's happy doing his own thing at home all day in doors if i let him.

My ds moans and complains about going anywhere but he will go, and is usually ok once we are there; Has to be his choice of thing to do though and hates it if I arrange for anyone else to join us (not that many want too!) I just hate being on my own all the time, I just wish he had friends he wanted to spend time with and they wanted to spend time with him; I'd love to have a house full! So long as he was happy.

[NobbyNobbs]

Today my neighbours kids and the other ladies children were all playing together in the close! Not one of them called to see if my ds wanted to join in, even though my neighbours must have known we were in. It's heart breaking! Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? I feel so isolated.

why not take an active approach, rather than expecting them to come to your son (if they dont know him why would they call for him, afterall). when you next see them out in the street, take your son out there too, and walk up and chat about anything at all. your son needs your social skills to support his own difficulties, so get out there and have a go(and if all else fails, join a social group of some sorts with lots of children in it and get to know people that way)

[alexmum2]

NobbyNobbs done this bought the tshirt, due to past experiencest this doesn't work for him. However if one or two of them came to our door he would be more inclined to go out or invite them in; so many knock backs in the past have happened to him by doing things this way.I am a member of several support groups in our area unfortunately they only organise a few outings and get togethers during the school holidays and these are usually to animal farms and such like which at 12yrs old he doesn't want to go to.

[MelowMeldrew]

MelowMeldrew Hi my ds not a teen yet so I'm trying my best not to let him become the recluse i think he may become if i don't make him do things or go places with me; Like your ds probably, he's happy doing his own thing at home all day in doors if i let him.

My ds moans and complains about going anywhere but he will go, and is usually ok once we are there; Has to be his choice of thing to do though and hates it if I arrange for anyone else to join us (not that many want too!) I just hate being on my own all the time, I just wish he had friends he wanted to spend time with and they wanted to spend time with him; I'd love to have a house full! So long as he was happy.

 

I'm like you, determined at present he doesn't get his own way and become a teenage Greta Garbo too. I get conflicting advice and views on this, either I am 'making him go to situations that might stress him", or the child services say he is at the age where if he says no we cannot proceed, and lately him plain refusing to go anywhere, it's his 'right', so heads he will win, tails we cannot. I am pessimistic of hope at present, I am reflecting that his entire life so far has been spent avoiding any interactions he can. My son will go places too, that isn't the issue, it's what happens when we get there, its just 'duty' visit, he won't participate in anything at all. I am not seeing the point of that. My son has THREE half siblings and he won't play of communicate to them either, and they are much older not living at home and married themselves with families. One visited recently with 3 lively children, he went up to his room until they went, refusing to talk or play with any of them, and blocking the door to make the point. So long as they are happy ? I am not sure what happy means to an Autistic. Mine says he is happy with Mum and Dad and that's it, this suggests he has a need for other people at least and does understand some relationships, of course our primary worry is if we are ill or something.

 

Even with me and Mum together, we get lonely too, because his demands for our attention take up all the time we need to maintain our social avenues, mine went 14 years ago... My main hope is he does develop some alternative interest and acceptances from other people. At present he has zilch, no hobbies, won't pursue any and just runs about flapping his arms to pass the time.. laughing to himself, he really likes that !

[justine1]

NobbyNobbs done this bought the tshirt, due to past experiencest this doesn't work for him. However if one or two of them came to our door he would be more inclined to go out or invite them in; so many knock backs in the past have happened to him by doing things this way.I am a member of several support groups in our area unfortunately they only organise a few outings and get togethers during the school holidays and these are usually to animal farms and such like which at 12yrs old he doesn't want to go to.

Hi HAve you looked into summer camps?There are plenty out there and many do cater for children with Aspergers/autism you should google it.As you say he may moan about it but I am sure once he is there he will love it,no offence to you either but maybe he will feel more relaxed to do what the others are doing if you arte not there.My six year old has always loved the outdoors but he doesnt like me sitting with him in the park etc. unless he asks me to,I live right next to a park and all the kids come to play so my son does get to socialise although he only plays with one thats his age the rest are younger.He does have fights but so do my other two who have not got Aspergers.I think you should maybe sit with him and ask him what he wants to do,I dont think there is any shame in going places just the two of you,there will come a time when he will always be with his friends,so just have fun.

[noogsy]

hi,i think this is a asd thing,we go all inclusive holidays during summer(this year to lanzarote)and baby son wont co-operate,

he wont do the kids club(not a chance)

he dosent eat in the(because of the smell and people eating,he hates seeing people eat,makes him wretch) restraunt

prefers the poolside sandwiches, pizza,juice and ice cream.

he finds the biggest,cumfyest sofa,usually in reseption.(they kindly kept a eye on him this year very boreing for them as he didnt move a muscle.lol)

plonks himself on it and plays his ds,

oh and people watches.so he says?????

he dosent speak to anyone,

he dosent have any intrest in anything.except his ds.

taking his technology from him causes major meltdowns.

but at least hubby and me can have time to ourselves.

and well we kind of feel like we have a holiday.

we spend all our time seeing if he has moved????

louis spends his holiday his way

louis does what he want during the holidays????

he isnt open to co operation much,

thats just the way it is,

on the whole the summer is stressful.

i think we do end up feeling exhausted,

and we end up just wanting a break from them,much as we love them.

i do try to organise louiss social callender but frankly it is pointless as he has his own strong ideas about things.

i cant even leave him with anyone,just because he plays up.

i think its asd.

and part of the package.

i havent helped at all but at least you know it isnt just you and your child.

love noogsy

Edited August 18, 2009 by noogsy

[sesley]

is there a local scheme were you can get activities for your son,where he can mix with others? (my son is blanked by neighbour kids too ,he tries to engage with either waving or a smile or hello and they ignore him)our local autism charity group organises a annual holiday club,where they are picked up by a bus and taken to a centre and then taken out,swimming,rollerball,Landmark etc and because of who and what he is and the people he is with,they except his objections for loosing etc are part of his condition and are so understanding, the point is he gets out,gets to mix and we get to so shopping in peace :lol:is it worth contacting your local social work department and ask if there are any social clubs he can join? we have after school club twice a week, they pick him up from school in taxi,take him to club we pick up at 5,30pm and he gets to play and mix with others.since he doesn't get asked to go home and play with anyone after school either,this is a very good way for him to learn social skills.

[Sally44]

Has he got an interests you could tap into?

Have you been in touch with Social Services for an assessment for your son. I am in the process of trying to get this organised. Children like ours should have a social worker because if they can't/won't go out and do things on their own then they need a 'buddy' or 'mentor' through SS to do things like go to the cinema. Plus they will need SS input as they move towards independence.

I must say that my son is also the stay at home type. We've been on holiday for three weeks and were out at the beach/swimming pool every day. Now we are back in the UK and there is nothing to do (that he wants to do) and he's just glued to the TV.

As from September I am also going to get him involved in scouts or something similar. I think expecting your son to join in and play with other children on the close isn't going to happen if he doesn't have the social skills or confidence. Something more structured like scouts gives them the opportunity to meet others whilst it is structured and not all spontaneous.

And I don't know if this helps at all, but I don't think they miss this social interaction that we wish they had. They do find it hard, stressful and often it ends in tears, tantrums or fights. For them they probably want to avoid those situations like the plague. But something structured, or on a one to one basis rather than groups or team games tends to work better. And always talk to him about things he wants to do, or find out why he doesn't want to do things. Again, my son never volunteers information even when it would be really helpful. I only get information from him when I ask him direct questions.

Also plan the day. For example he can plan to be in the house and play on the computer or watch a DVD etc, but at some point leave an hour blank in the day and say this is when you are both going to leave the house. Even if you just walk the dog together, or go for a drive etc. Otherwise we end up feeling like our children have turned us into prisoners within our own homes.

[MelowMeldrew]

Hi HAve you looked into summer camps?There are plenty out there and many do cater for children with Aspergers/autism you should google it.As you say he may moan about it but I am sure once he is there he will love it,no offence to you either but maybe he will feel more relaxed to do what the others are doing if you arte not there.My six year old has always loved the outdoors but he doesnt like me sitting with him in the park etc. unless he asks me to,I live right next to a park and all the kids come to play so my son does get to socialise although he only plays with one thats his age the rest are younger.He does have fights but so do my other two who have not got Aspergers.I think you should maybe sit with him and ask him what he wants to do,I dont think there is any shame in going places just the two of you,there will come a time when he will always be with his friends,so just have fun.

 

 

It is curious we can still read parents suggesting 'social inclusion' avenues for autistics ! Hello ? social/emotional aspects are what autistics DON'T do. We do it for us not our kids, because clearly many of them do not understand social interactions, that IS autism as it is expressed by them, so on the face of it, social inclusion aspects are a form of cruelty to some autistics, they don't like it, they don't interact with it and become as they get older more entrenched in NOT going with inclusion aspects at all, like mine is now.... it is setting parents up for more isolation as they dig in......as for sitting down and talking with them, how do you do that, when e.g. mine withdraws all form of communications because the thought of socializing is alien to him, he has done it, wore the t-shirt, hated it, now won't go.... now what ? Our 'family' helper was just told no he doesn't what to see her again, he has found the word no, highly effective and uses it all the time now.. As for social services they gave up 6 years ago....

[alexmum2]

Gee every thing every one is saying is so familiar. Scouts is a no go area stuck it for a year, each time he was do to leave the house he begged me not to take him! We have tried after school clubs through STRUT in the community, didn't work, I now am filling in an assessment form for carer's .

Hopefully if this does what it aims it should do, it will let the people who need to know what is lacking in our life put a plan into place to help make both our lives better. Yes a mentor would be a great thing for my son that way he would have the company of some one other than me and his dad and it would give us as a couple a break.

[MelowMeldrew]

Gee every thing every one is saying is so familiar. Scouts is a no go area stuck it for a year, each time he was do to leave the house he begged me not to take him! We have tried after school clubs through STRUT in the community, didn't work, I now am filling in an assessment form for carer's .

Hopefully if this does what it aims it should do, it will let the people who need to know what is lacking in our life put a plan into place to help make both our lives better. Yes a mentor would be a great thing for my son that way he would have the company of some one other than me and his dad and it would give us as a couple a break.

 

 

I'm still confused ! A mentor seems (I may be wrong who knows !), just a person who baby sits our kids so we can have a rest, which is fine for US, but if it doesn't address or promote him to socialise, or accept new people, then how are they 'Mentors' ? and what benefit to HIM ? Despite our lack of socialising our priority is still to help him. I'd be happy with a break, but still feel, 'He is going to be exactly the same afterwards... ?' they aren't doing anything we haven't already done... UNLESS it is someone nearer his own age ? At present what little support we have had has been an adult. We went with that because he refused to work/play with other children, so all is confusions ! It seems he is intent on outmaneuvering us all at present...

[Frizz]

Although my ds loves not having to go to school during the summer holidays; it's dispair for me. Every day I try and plan for us to do things, go to the cinema library bowling ect but it's always the same we always end up going on our own!; (he has only one school friend from his new school, which he wont contact out of school), (and i dont have their phone number,)we spend all of our time on our own. I unfortunately have no family to speak of, for us to go visit or spend time with. He wont go swimming any longer as he has put on weight,I invite old school friends who we used to do things with during past summer hols but they are always too busy doing things with other people(as tehy are all at different schools to my ds) or working (We moved house last year) So it's just me and ds.

Our next door neighbour has 2 kids both younger than ds, she works as a ta at a local school, and when we first moved in she came round and introduced herself, and invited us round for coffee but the one time we did go she was busy and did not arrange another time for us to go back; she also goes out a lot with her kids during school hols; there is also another mum on the close where we live, she has 3 kids around the same age as ds, I have spoken to her a few times and explained my son's condition and she even said that we would have to get together some time however this has never materialisted, when i did broached the subject i drew a blank.

Today my neighbours kids and the other ladies children were all playing together in the close! Not one of them called to see if my ds wanted to join in, even though my neighbours must have known we were in. It's heart breaking! Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? I feel so isolated.

Oh boy I could have written this post myself!! Two mums at school suggested 'getting together' in the hols. Lovely I thought,despite all the difficulties in school, I'm obviously not as snubbed as I imagined. WRONG!!!! I made contact but both parents were busy-every day,naturally! We go on hols tomorrow, then its back to school. DD has a younger sibling at least, so she has some social contact.When she's not playing her DS of course! How are our kids social skills ever going to improve when school is a nightmare for them & other kids (or their parents) just dont want to know?

[Mumble]

Hello ? social/emotional aspects are what autistics DON'T do.

Thanks for writing us all off based on personal experience with one INDIVIDUAL.

 

[justine1]

It is curious we can still read parents suggesting 'social inclusion' avenues for autistics ! Hello ? social/emotional aspects are what autistics DON'T do. We do it for us not our kids, because clearly many of them do not understand social interactions, that IS autism as it is expressed by them, so on the face of it, social inclusion aspects are a form of cruelty to some autistics, they don't like it, they don't interact with it and become as they get older more entrenched in NOT going with inclusion aspects at all, like mine is now.... it is setting parents up for more isolation as they dig in......as for sitting down and talking with them, how do you do that, when e.g. mine withdraws all form of communications because the thought of socializing is alien to him, he has done it, wore the t-shirt, hated it, now won't go.... now what ? Our 'family' helper was just told no he doesn't what to see her again, he has found the word no, highly effective and uses it all the time now.. As for social services they gave up 6 years ago....

Hi

No need to be rude when people are suggesting things HELLO...I am also a parent of a child who has Aspergers so I am hardly ignorant.Just as every one in this world is different so are people with autism,if I suggest something doesnt mean it is the right thing for everyone,as I pointed out my son doesnt have many problems with regards to friends,even though most are younger than him,so to be honest I wouldnt know myself what to do if he sat in his room all day.Sometimes we have to think of things that prehaps the person asking advice may not have tried and thats what I did,excuse me for offending someone along the way.You say social/emotional aspects are what autistics dont do I really beg to differ there are plenty of people living with Aspergers who have friends and my son is very loving,cuddles and cries when others are in pain,everyone is different.My son also does sit down with me when something is bothering him and he will say I want to go to Lego land or where ever than I will take him,because it is rare that he does do this so I really listen.Anyway I dont think I will continue I dont know you and you dont know me,so you could have responded to the person asking the question without insulting others namely me.

[alexmum2]

hi MelowMeldrew my ds gets on well with other adults and older kids (teens) and younger kids; he finds it difficult with peer groups; but just being in the company of others rather than no one is better than what is happening at the moment. i understand where you ae coming from, and i suppose it looks like we are looking for a child minder, but there is a difference, mentor listen and teach and understand ( i hope) child minders just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or others ect. may have got yhis wrong, but some times i feel my ds likes being with other people other than me (god knows i don't like being with me some times) lol

[alexmum2]

hi MelowMeldrew my ds gets on well with other adults and older kids (teens) and younger kids; he finds it difficult with peer groups; but just being in the company of others rather than no one is better than what is happening at the moment. i understand where you ae coming from, and i suppose it looks like we are looking for a child minder, but there is a difference, mentor listen and teach and understand ( i hope) child minders just make sure that you don't hurt yourself or others ect. may have got yhis wrong, but some times i feel my ds likes being with other people other than me (god knows i don't like being with me some times) lol

[LordGorse]

When I was a kid I always preferred to be alone while my older brother was out playing with his mates. Sometimes my parents would try and get me to join in, but since the other kids weren't interested in what I wanted to do it never worked out. I did make one really good friend in my teens--we spent most of our time walking in the countryside, since neither of us really had the inclination to socialise. I'm 31 now and still prefer being alone; can't stand restaurants, pubs, etc. The whole social contact/getting on with others just doesn't interest me in the slightest.

[justine1]

When I was a kid I always preferred to be alone while my older brother was out playing with his mates. Sometimes my parents would try and get me to join in, but since the other kids weren't interested in what I wanted to do it never worked out. I did make one really good friend in my teens--we spent most of our time walking in the countryside, since neither of us really had the inclination to socialise. I'm 31 now and still prefer being alone; can't stand restaurants, pubs, etc. The whole social contact/getting on with others just doesn't interest me in the slightest.

Hi

I dont have AS but I am exactly the same I have never liked large crowds,I wasnt popular but not an outcast either,I moved around alot but each school I went to I always had one true friend,I did go to clubs as a teen and did drink,but now I hate alcohol and people ask to go to the pub,cinema etc. it doesnt intrest me,I have always liked working hard,then coming home to put on baggy PJ's and sit on the comfy sofa with a lovely cup of tea,ahhhhhhhhhhhhh,pure BLISS.So I can realate to my son,he also always has ONE good friend,though he gets jealous if that friend wants to play with other kids he doesnt understand this.Everyone is different....

[LordGorse]

Yeah, I used to get jealous of friends wanting to spend time with other kids, too.

[NobbyNobbs]

It is curious we can still read parents suggesting 'social inclusion' avenues for autistics ! Hello ? social/emotional aspects are what autistics DON'T do. We do it for us not our kids

well i went to various summer camps every year between the ages of 7 and 14 and loved every minute of it, so yes it does work for SOME children.my parents didn't 'force' me into summer camp so that they could get rid of me. after the first year i asked to go and they let me. you seem determined that nothing anyone suggests will work for your child, but this is about someone elses child who it has been noted does enjoy social activities and people are only trying to help by giving suggestions of things they know can work.

 

the YMCA do summer camps (not much use now but might be for next year) for older children, and give priority to children who would not otherwise be able to access summer camp. otherwise there are lots of local day camps which fall mostly into three categories. sports camps (never been to one) activity camps (very rough and tumble, but great fun if you can keep up) and arty camps (which play games rather than 'pure' sports and do lots of arts/crafts/drama). we send our kids to a local arty camp because we feel it gives them a bit of everything without being too hectic. i know these camps also run autumn half term and easter holiday camps which might be of more use to you right now. my experience of summer camps is that certain ones leave you to get on with it (one year i wouldn't ask to go to the toilet and wet myself every day cos noone would ask me to go) whereas others are much more nurturing and will give emotional support as well as teaching.

 

in some areas the local police run camps as well, but these are a bit more ad-hoc and can be badly organized.

 

if he enjoys being in social situations without having to make friends, then a day camp would be perfect. i never made any friends, but was part of a group based on age so there was always someone i could lurk near.

[alexmum2]

Yes a day summer camp sounds realy good if i could find one in my area. I have been in touch with my local county council and all the charities for children with disabilities in my area but have come up with nothing. There are some activities that have been organised for the odd day here and there but they are miles away.

While i don't mind travelling it is a bit of a waste some times when they are perhaps only for the morning or afternoon.

He went on a school trip before he left junior school it was for 3 days; his teacher (who he liked) said she felt it would be good for him; his Ta was going too and his teacher so i thought everything would go swimmingly! how wrong i was; as they were boarding the coach i watched his TA go and sit with the rest of the staff hobnobbing while my son was left sat on his own at the back of the coach ( the journey was to take about 3 hours!) i was about to board the coach and ask her why she wasn't sitting with my ds when the coach pulled off. I can tell you i worried for the rest of the week wondering if this was the sign of things to come.

My fears were founded when on my ds return he said he hated every moment; his ta (who was only 19) spent all of the time doing the activities herself and left my ds to his own devises! After that he begged me never to send him to anything like this again.

[chris54]

My fears were founded when on my ds return he said he hated every moment; his ta (who was only 19) spent all of the time doing the activities herself and left my ds to his own devises! After that he begged me never to send him to anything like this again.

 

What a shame, we just had the exact opposite experience. My son really enjoyed his first school trip away. First time he had ever been away over night without me or his mum with him. His TA did not go but there was an extra member of staff who's main job was to oversee my son and another boy. His class teacher went on the trip, I has sent him a long letter all about the dose and don'ts which he said was helpful.

 

 

Back to the main subject.

Like many others my son spends all his time when not at school on his own, or should I say with me when I am available. He now says things like "If you have got the time can you come and play with me" Which leaves me felling guilty and I often end up leaving what I should be doing and playing in the garden with him. But I cant say it is especially enjoyable as you (I) have to play his way. He makes up games and expects me to know what to do with out being told. And if it does not go his way you can see an anger on his face which is a prelude to him lashing out if you don't divert it. (His school staff and some of the other kids at school recognise this).

 

We do go out and do thing but I always have to be there right with him so that limits it a bit (I have knee, hip and back problems if I do anything to energetic[old age]) and he has a fairly short attention span which don't help. Most of the time he would prefer to stay at home out in the garden or reading his books or making things with his Lego, Traffic lights and barriers ? Don't ask.

 

My wife has taken him to stay with her family for a week so I am home alone this week, trying to make the most of it.

Not sure how that will go as mother in law does not really get what ASD is all about.And at the best of times drives my wife potty.

Edited August 20, 2009 by chris54

[oxgirl]

We are having a rotten holiday. My lad is nearly 16 and keep saying it hasn't been much of a holiday. I feel terrible, that I have somehow failed to provide him with fun and excitement, but he just has NO motivation to do anything or even think of anything he wants to do. I've been taking him swimming, teaching him to swim. He was doing well, was keen. We went on Sunday and he did well but hasn't wanted to go since. This morning we were planning to go, but, no, he didn't feel like it, so he's been lying in his room all day being bored and depressed. He wants me to go in there and say, why don't we do this, why don't you do some drawing, shall we go for a walk, but he won't do it for himself. He won't think for himself, I know, I'll go and do some drawing, he'll sit and wait for me to ask him if he'd like to do some drawing, like he needs an invitation, and then he'll wait for me to get everything out for him and sit with him while he does it. I feel like I'm living his life for him. Today I have said he will have to decide what he does for himself. Yes, but I'll just do nothing then, he says. I told him, well then that is your choice. Sure enough, he has laid on his bed all day. I feel so sorry for him but so frustrated with him at the same time. It was SO much easier when he was younger.

 

~ Mel ~

[alexmum2]

I feel so sorry for him but so frustrated with him at the same time. It was SO much easier when he was younger.

 

~ Mel ~

Oxgirl yes thats just how i feel, it was so much easier when he was younger; for a start he had more friends we could contact, (even if it did meen that i was the one taking these other friends out with us then dropping them back home again!) and in some cases paying for them too. But it did meen he had company. Now he is at secondrary school all his old friends are at other schools and we don't have contact with them any longer; I did phone several at the start of the hols but they were all busy with their new friends, got the feeling that they no longer wanted to be aquainted with us.

[oxgirl]

Oxgirl yes thats just how i feel, it was so much easier when he was younger; for a start he had more friends we could contact, (even if it did meen that i was the one taking these other friends out with us then dropping them back home again!) and in some cases paying for them too. But it did meen he had company. Now he is at secondrary school all his old friends are at other schools and we don't have contact with them any longer; I did phone several at the start of the hols but they were all busy with their new friends, got the feeling that they no longer wanted to be aquainted with us.

 

Hi alexmum2,

My lad never had any friends but when he was younger it was much easier to occupy him and keep him happy. I think he was less aware of the fact that he was friendless, it didn't bother him so much, he was happy to do cooking with me, painting, playdough, all the little kid stuff. He was obsessed with Lego and we'd sit and play with Lego and cars for hours, even if it was just me and him we'd be happy. Now, at nearly 16, it's a different story. He doesn't want to do any of those little kid things anymore but still hasn't any friends to do other stuff with. He's STILL stuck at home with me like he used to be but now it isn't enough for him, it doesn't satisfy him, but he's too depressed and hasn't the confidence needed to get out on his own so we're stuck in no-mans land. At least when he was little I could take him to the park, to the library, just PLAY, you can't play with a big kid and I can't make him happy any more.

 

~ Mel ~

[alexmum2]

Oxgirl It's getting like that now for me, at the moment he's happy to got into town (so long as it's where he wants togo) and ok going to the cinema and he will go bowling but if i mention inviting someone else he goes off on one! can't get him to go swimming any longer as he's put on weight and says the pool is too full of noisy idiots. So like you I'm stuck in.

[NobbyNobbs]

what area do you live in? i know of several national day camps that i'd recommend cos we've used them for both ASD and NT kids. if hes interested in a more social kind of day, i also know that ones exist which do teenage stuff like bowling, quad biking etc. do you know if your area (or a nice quiet village nearby) has a youth club? they will often organise days out in half terms and so on that he might go on if he's okay to be a loner (or make a friend). if he has a cousin/friend/whatever of a similar age i know of a residential camp that has a buy one get one free offer permanently running.

 

other than that, i can't really think of anything teenagers do. i do also remember being horrified at the idea of being seen 'out' with my mother at around that age (until about 20 i think it was because i was trying so hard to fit in that i couldn't bear that she didn't follow the 'rules' as i knew them. i was terrified that someone would notice me because she didn't behave right (my family found my worries funny so would dance in the aisles of shops and sing to embarass me (pre dx)) its a rubbish age for anyone, let alone an ASD person, i know i wouldn't go back there!

[oxgirl]

what area do you live in? i know of several national day camps that i'd recommend cos we've used them for both ASD and NT kids. if hes interested in a more social kind of day, i also know that ones exist which do teenage stuff like bowling, quad biking etc. do you know if your area (or a nice quiet village nearby) has a youth club? they will often organise days out in half terms and so on that he might go on if he's okay to be a loner (or make a friend). if he has a cousin/friend/whatever of a similar age i know of a residential camp that has a buy one get one free offer permanently running.

 

other than that, i can't really think of anything teenagers do. i do also remember being horrified at the idea of being seen 'out' with my mother at around that age (until about 20 i think it was because i was trying so hard to fit in that i couldn't bear that she didn't follow the 'rules' as i knew them. i was terrified that someone would notice me because she didn't behave right (my family found my worries funny so would dance in the aisles of shops and sing to embarass me (pre dx)) its a rubbish age for anyone, let alone an ASD person, i know i wouldn't go back there!

 

Thanks NobbyNobbs, but camps and the like would not suit him, he'd hate it and wouldn't stay away with people he didn't know anyway. He has no friend or cousin or anyone at all.

It's not that he's embarrassed to be with me, quite the opposite really, I think that he SHOULD be, it would be natural if he was. It's just that he's so dependant on me, I'm the only 'friend' he has if you like. All the onus is on me to come up with things to entertain him and nothing comes from him.

 

~ Mel ~

[alexmum2]

I understand perfectly were Oxgirl is coming from; my ds has no cousins to hang out with so it's just me. we are going on a pinic tommorrow with a support group its only for 1 hour or so; bit of fresh air company for me, he can take is ipod ect; well he's locked himself in his room and wont speak to me!

[bid]

Just a wee thought for those struggling to get their young people to 'do' anything...have you tried a daily timetable to structure their day? I found this always worked well for us, and when I let it lapse we had problems.

 

Bid

[coolblue]

Don't feel too guilty about not getting your kids involved with others. Sometimes it can do more harm than good. A couple of weeks ago we took ds (11) on a walk organised by a local autism charity. Brilliant we thought, just the job. Ds finds high pitched sounds and fast moving objects very difficult. Guess what? All the other children were of the shrieking, rushing around persuasion (nothing against that - it just isn't what ds 'does'). After an hour he had absolutely had more than enough and so we had to come home.

 

Yesterday we met up with some of his old schoolfriends (at different schools now) and their mums at a local pub with a playbarn. I know the mums really well, and their kids are as well brought up as you could hope for (which of course is why ds was friends with them). First ds sat with the boys but couldn't keep up with the conversation about mobile phones, so he came and sat with the mums. Then he couldn't cope with the cheese on his baked potato. (It did look and taste like plastic cheese, I must admit.) Then they turned up the piped music and so we had to go outside. The others then joined us and they went to play in the adventure playground. Another kid turns up. Next minute, he's got ds on the floor in a neck-lock. Took literally less than two minutes. Next second it dawns on him parents were present and he scarpers. Ds said that all that had happened was that he (ds) had told this boy his name and asked him what he was called. He replied 'shut up' and then said to the other boys "I can beat the c**p out of him" which he proceeded to start doing before anyone knew what was happening.

 

The last time we were at this particular pub (inside in the playbarn) I had just sat down with my coffee and ds had been on the apparatus for only a couple of minutes when suddenly he is at my elbow covered in blood. Someone had punched him on the nose. He didn't know who it was. I know he doesn't start it - he's a stickler for good behaviour - but because his arms and legs are all over the place and he has a speech impediment he seems to be a sitting target for the first aggressive child in the neighbourhood.

 

His response to these incidents has been much more constructive than it has been in the past. He's been pretty upset, but is now determined not to let it defeat him. Good for him, but I still wouldn't let him out there on his own.

[MelowMeldrew]

I'm going with what my son says now, and not going to be coerced by support services /relatives or anyone else putting their 10 pence worths in, to put him into any and every 'inclusive' option going (Not that there is many anyway !), unless he wants that. We've absolutely done our best for his 14 years and he just cannot hack it, I'm not going to stress him any more. Finding an option where he gets support to do his own thing though, is proving impossible. As soon as we find something, they shove him in a group with others and it fails again. He doesn't want to know, end of, he has now found the voice to refuse ...

[oxgirl]

Just a wee thought for those struggling to get their young people to 'do' anything...have you tried a daily timetable to structure their day? I found this always worked well for us, and when I let it lapse we had problems.

 

I agree with this, bid, I've always had timetables for holidays too. Hard thing with us at the moment is trying to think of something to put ON the timetable. Sat down with kiddo last night and got him to agree to let me put 'swimming' on the calendar every other day for the next week and to just agree to go whether he feels like it or not. He broke down and cried and said everything is just so hard for him at the moment. Anyway, we have 'swimming' on our timetable for 1.00 today, so we're going whether we want to or not.

 

~ Mel ~

[frogslegs]

Well we are just back from two weeks of sea side holiday which my DS (nearly 11) enjoyed because of the freedom he gets. He loves swimming and playing in the sea and where we go it is so quiet that noone pays any attention to him. He enjoys the nature and the peacefulness of the area and indeed all the hand flapping disappears. We did not do many cultural things and I have noticed that he feels really unconfortable in very busy places and keeps noticing people who don't follow the rules and then making loud remarks about them.

Now we are back home and within 2 days literaly of being back trouble... He is back to being bored, arrogant, moany.. a totally different boy and I ended up really shouting at him today as at one point I could not longer take the attitude! I have no money left to do expensive stuff now so we have to content ourselves with trips to the library, swimming... We have a couple of outings with support groups organised. But to motivate him is a bit of a lost cause and the word 'stupid' is used to qualify everything. I ended up spending most of my afternoon building a model car because at each step he was losing his rag and at the same time helping my daughter making a bead thing that is three times too complicated for my little brain. I have not had a single minute on my own for the past 4 weeks and I am beginning to feel the pressure!

I have spoken to a number of people who say that their children are bored but when you suggest going out they don't reply...

But up to a point my view is that my children have had their organised holiday and now it is up to them to make their own entertainment. Sometimes one needs to be bored to be creative. DS is very 'encouraged' to spend a lot of time in the garden with his remote control car so I can enjoy a cup of tea in peace for 10 minutes!

[MelowMeldrew]

Well we are just back from two weeks of sea side holiday which my DS (nearly 11) enjoyed because of the freedom he gets. He loves swimming and playing in the sea and where we go it is so quiet that noone pays any attention to him. He enjoys the nature and the peacefulness of the area and indeed all the hand flapping disappears. We did not do many cultural things and I have noticed that he feels really unconfortable in very busy places and keeps noticing people who don't follow the rules and then making loud remarks about them.

Now we are back home and within 2 days literaly of being back trouble... He is back to being bored, arrogant, moany.. a totally different boy and I ended up really shouting at him today as at one point I could not longer take the attitude! I have no money left to do expensive stuff now so we have to content ourselves with trips to the library, swimming... We have a couple of outings with support groups organised. But to motivate him is a bit of a lost cause and the word 'stupid' is used to qualify everything. I ended up spending most of my afternoon building a model car because at each step he was losing his rag and at the same time helping my daughter making a bead thing that is three times too complicated for my little brain. I have not had a single minute on my own for the past 4 weeks and I am beginning to feel the pressure!

I have spoken to a number of people who say that their children are bored but when you suggest going out they don't reply...

But up to a point my view is that my children have had their organised holiday and now it is up to them to make their own entertainment. Sometimes one needs to be bored to be creative. DS is very 'encouraged' to spend a lot of time in the garden with his remote control car so I can enjoy a cup of tea in peace for 10 minutes!

 

 

Spare a thought for some of us, who have an AS child totally devoid of doing ANYTHING unless it is organised from the time they wake up, until the time they go to bed, and then when left to their own devices, just follow you from room to room or runs around in circles all the time, who has no hobbies. has no desire to form any, will NOT Get involved wherever you take them, willl NOT try to read a book, will NOT attempt to draw or write, will NOT play with any other child, will NOT talk in the main, if you try to structure every single second of their time, then they can never achieve ANY Level of self expression can they ? and how does that help others who want to support ? you make a rod for their backs and THEY cannot be creative either, because WE have set the norms they AS child has demanded, often because we are too tired to argue about it ! I think the term 'bored' doesn't really apply, mine has no impetus nor desire to do anything at all lately ! I defy ANY Parent to be able to 'amuse' or organise a child's entire day 365 days a year, 18 hours every day.. because 6 hours is the absolute tops mine will sleep... This holiday period we are just about exhausted... Leaving him on his own to be driven to be self creative simply has no hope of working with mine, he would just get so stressed left to himself.

[JeanneA]

Sounds like you have it really tough Mellow. My son Glen, 15 is severely autistic. Glen also has to be told what he is doing from the minute he gets up, everything has to be organised for him. Glen will jump on his trampoline in the garden and loves his swing, so I do get some peace when he is out there. It isn't taking Glen out as he has a fear of dogs always has from a very young age. However he is better than he used to be I can just about take him to a park and we have a walk round, but I am constantly on the look out for dogs.

Glen does have a lot of sensory issues, the 2 things that seem to be the best for Glen are exercise and music therapy (listening to music through head-phones). Glen also loves swimming. Have to tried getting your child to do some form of exercise Mellow? I'm sure it would help relieve any stress, as it does my son.