He ran away..............where do we turn now

[Paula]

 

 

Had an horendous weekend.............to cut a long story short our son flew into a rage both on friday evening when he didnt get his own wa and ended up hitting himself over the head with a plastic bottle hed crushed up then he stabbed his leg with a key.............he went crazy when id forgotten to cook him meat pie and gave him bacon and beans instead....very very upsetting.............he was reasonably calm on saturday................then sunday he went crazy when we asked to put the tv on and said he could play his xbox on another set which his dad was beginning to set up for him..........

 

he ran upstaires,we ignored him hopeing hed come round........then i went upstaires to see he was ok he fronted up to me towering above me hes over six foot,threatend to hit me raised his fist i was terrified but stood there not wanting him to see..........he then opened the window and said he was off i said dont be silly and walked away.............next thing hed gone outside the house and had a bag on his back i went and said come inside please but he was off...........my husband insisted we didnt go after him that hed come home after hed let of steam............after 15 minutes he hadnt i was distraught me husband went out for him and saw him getting on a bus.We knew where the bus went to and assumed he was of to were his sister was working that day in a local shopping centre i phoned her and said if he turns up let me know ect ect.............he didnt turn up there...............i had to call the coppers..............we then headed out to find him.We found him but i was so upset.He of course was still ranting and screaming ahd abusive.

 

 

All settled down and we ignored him knowing anything we said however small such as do you want a drink just set of a rant anyway he started raveing againe because his sister dared to put a cup on his table at the side of the sofa............he said he was leaving ,he didnt he went upstaires an eventually fell alsleep.

 

THis morning hes threatened to not come home he travles on the school bus and attends a special school.

 

 

I need help for the first time ever i dont know how to handle his behaviour.

 

His sister is terrified when he kicks of and im powerelss all i can do is shout or try to make him see reason...........but me husband insists we dont need help that its his age and itll pass............

 

 

For the first time ever i wish to god he was liveing somewhere else..........but im torn..................part of me thinks god it would be great if i didnt have this ###### day in day out but im his mum i feel guilty ............

 

 

I know youll all understand.

[concernedmummy]

Hi Paula, what an awful weekend you have had. I have no suggestions for you but just wanted to say that I really understand where you are coming from, we had the same behaviours with my step son and it is more stressful than anyone who hasn't been through it can imagine.

We tried and failed to get him and us some help but don't let that put you off I would try anyway, see if SS can be of any assistance maybe.

Is there anyone at the school you could contact for some help and advice??

I truly hope that you manage to get something sorted with him, I know how difficult it is and how guilty you can feel wishing he was living somewhere else. (My step son has been in foster care for 2 years now, there wasn't any choice in the end).

Please try and take care of yourself and have a bit of 'me' time to try and re-charge your batteries.

Edited December 14, 2009 by concernedmummy

[lisac]

What a worry for you . Can you go and see your Dr and tell him ? He will refer you to camhs . Then maybe you can look at giving your son medication to take the edge off his aggression ? This was the only thing that worked for us . It doesnt have to be forever , x

[justine1]

Hello,I am so sorry things are not going well at the moment <'> <'>

How about respite care?It may be good for him so he can have his own space and you all get a break as well.I have seen some respite places and they are really great,but you should look around and see which one you feel comfortable with.It is worth considering.

[julie1]

sorry things are so bad at the moment. does your sons school offer respite care its just an idea as our special school has this for parents who really need a break. Its worth asking anyway they may no of other local services availble.

[Sally44]

That sounds like a nightmare of a weekend.

You could investigate the medication route.

And you could investigate the residential route.

These swings in emotions may be related to hormones, but it is the lack of 'self control' that many of our children have that is scary because we don't know 'if' they will get their feelings under control and we are fearful of what they will do if they don't. This isn't just about parenting skills. It is a different brain structure and different chemical response.

Have you also spoken with an organisation such as the NAS about what options are available?

[Paula]

Thanks

 

Ive been in touch with the school and told all.............ive got an appointment on wednesday with a child physcologist who deals with behaviour problems.............its classed as an emergency coz of the self harming ............then after ive discussed the whole sorry story they say theyll arrange for someone to visit him in his own home hopefully next week.Im going alone to the initial appointment they wanted him to come but in all honesty thats a no go coz hell kick of and make it impossible to speak................

 

 

Ill keep you posted i just hope hes in a better mood tonight................

[trekster]

Hello

 

Have you tried taking him off benzoates (drove me literally wild like your son), aspartame and msg?

Also gluten and dairy as they were the only things that helped me.

 

Alexis

[Paula]

Trekster.............what are benzoates............

 

 

If its soemthing thats found in fizzy drinks then he doesnt drink fizzy pop...........hes always had dairy products like yogurts and milk he doesn like cheese .This behaviour is a recent thing the last 6 months or so.Hes always had tantrums but theyd blow themselves out with say ten minutes and were never violent ............this behaviour is in a different league and i do think its wrapped up in his age and hormones and frustration at becomeing more adult and yet realiseing hes got limitations.........hopefully the physcologist getting involved will start to get to the route of it a bit.........Thanks.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Whilst diet can be a factor in behaviour. It could be to do with the festive period. It can get too much for kids (and adults) that are on the spectrum. The change in routine, or lack of, for example, christmas parties, sing-a-longs, etc. My son is certainly feeling thoroughly stressed out.

 

My son's behaviour (he's nearly 8 and has AS) became very extreme and very worrying. The aggression and violence got too much and I referred my son to CAMHS. CAMHS gave him 13 play therapy sessions and at the end of it concluded that yes he was in fact suffering from extreme anxiety, was also becoming painfully aware that he's different from his peers (he's in mainstream), etc. He was prescribed Risperidone.

 

Would it be worth having your son seen by CAMHS?

 

Hope things calm down soon. Know exactly what you're going through.

 

Caroline.

[Paula]

Well me first port of call is the behaviour unit where i live and the child physcologist person to discuss the situation ill be able to take it from there............

 

 

These kids thrive on routine and getting there own way but real family life just doesnt work like that and then all hell kics of.

 

I love me son ,at times i hate aspergers syndrome.

[mossgrove]

I m sorry you are going throufg such a hard time at the moment.

 

When our son (AS, 12) is at his worst we rely on some advice someone gave us that "There is always a reason, even if it doesn't seem rational" It most cases ths holds true and we can get to the bottom of it by talking to him when things are calm.

 

To give an illustration two years ago he was stressed, agressive and confrontational with siblings and parents. Asking hom directly was fruitless as he was unable to say why he was behaving so badly. After many coversations in his calmer moments we realised he had overheard a conversation where we had discussed the possibility of a trip to Lapland for Christmas. It was never a serious proposal for all kinds of reasons so the conversationhad moved on and been forgotten. He had convinced himself that he was in imminent danger of dying in a plane crash and in this constant state of fear he had no tolerance for anything and agressive, controlling behavious resulted. He would never have been able to understand and articulate what the problem was if we had asked him the direct question. Is there any posssibility that your son thinks that if he behaves incredibly badly he won't have to back to school?

 

Hopefully the involvement of an expert with your son will enable you to get to the root cause of these behaviours (If there is one) and deal with any issues that arise.It certainly sounds as if he is having a hard time too.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

 

Simon

[trekster]

Trekster.............what are benzoates............

 

Preservatives found in toiletries, squash and some fizzy drinks.

If its something that's found in fizzy drinks then he doesn't drink fizzy pop...........hes always had dairy products like yoghurts and milk he doesnt like cheese .This behaviour is a recent thing the last 6 months or so. Hes always had tantrums but they'd blow themselves out with say ten minutes and were never violent ............this behaviour is in a different league and i do think its wrapped up in his age and hormones and frustration at becoming more adult and yet realising hes got limitations.........hopefully the physiologist getting involved will start to get to the route of it a bit.........Thanks.

 

i think his behaviour is in part reacting to his sisters teasing. i was scared of my brother as his joke was "you're lying". He didnt realise one of my biggest fears was not being taken seriously and believed (something mum still does unfortunately ). Once a relative had spoken to him he did it less or made it more obvious it was a joke (cheesy grin afterwards).

 

For some kids meds are enough but for me meds made me much worse. My behaviour steadily got worse until i was running off and going off the rails. Im so pleased i decided to study diet and health at university as that was enough to convince me to try something gran suggested 10 years ago.

 

"asperger syndrome and adolescence" is a book i found last night. i think it could explain some of his feelings to you. For him there is a book called "how to be yourself in a world that's different" or "the asperger personal guide". Would you all be able to attend family counselling? i went with gran and then later with mum and gran (unrelated to ASD but at least we had some mediation).

 

Respite care does sound like a good idea, but DONT send him to a place in Wadebridge! A dangerous man got me in a difficult position (he was on holiday as well) and he was later thrown out.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

Hi

 

Whilst diet can be a factor in behaviour. It could be to do with the festive period. It can get too much for kids (and adults) that are on the spectrum. The change in routine, or lack of, for example, Christmas parties, sing-a-longs, etc. My son is certainly feeling thoroughly stressed out.

 

My son's behaviour (he's nearly 8 and has AS) became very extreme and very worrying. The aggression and violence got too much and I referred my son to CAMHS. CAMHS gave him 13 play therapy sessions and at the end of it concluded that yes he was in fact suffering from extreme anxiety, was also becoming painfully aware that he's different from his peers (he's in mainstream), etc. He was prescribed Risperidone.

 

Would it be worth having your son seen by CAMHS?

 

Hope things calm down soon. Know exactly what you're going through.

 

Caroline.

 

Thats an excellent point Caroline, Xmas is stressful for me as well. Planning whats going to happen and when with your son could help.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

Well me first port of call is the behaviour unit where i live and the child physiologist person to discuss the situation ill be able to take it from there............

 

These kids thrive on routine and getting there own way but real family life just doesn't work like that and then all hell kics of.

 

I love me son, at times i hate aspergers syndrome.

 

Its not about getting their own way it is about them feeling safe! You shouldnt hate asperger syndrome, you should hate the fact tat hes expected to do much more than hes mentally capable of doing.

[Paula]

 

 

I went to see the so called experts..........never againe.............3 drs sat in a room all stareing at me..................i fealt like i was on trial as they questioned and cross examined everything i said...........oh they tried the usual of whats home life like any problems.............i said ive been with me husband 23 years and i aint on the ###### every night and ive always been a stay home mum so dont be implying anything.............

 

 

Then i was fumeing as one dr said...........why havent you brought up the fact youre son has problems before...........he didnt know what to say when i pointed out id actually spent 3 years seeing him the dr sat there trying to get a diagnosis and had told him all this info about my son donkeys years ago and he told me it was all in me head and that my son didnt have any problems so i gave up and went away and got on with all.

 

Up shot is it made me realise why i have gone it alone all these years and done a bloomeing good job.They dished out some medication.........answer to everything...............and said what i kinda already knew that my son is hormonal and this is just how they get at this age sometimes.Im supposed to go back in 6 weeks........not a cat in hells chance......

 

 

Ive been on the net and risperodone...........i think it is........isnt even supposed to be given acording to certaine websites to children.....its for bi polar mnic episodes and or shizophrenia...........some sort of anti physcotic...........my son isnt physcotic hes a confused young man finding it hard to cope with becomeing an adult and chages..............He needs understanding not to be drugged up.

 

Ive been on these type of drugs myself due to my Bi Polar and there rotton they take away all that is you ,they remove all the emotions even the good ones and leave you fealing like an empty vessel and a shodow of who you are...........i cant do it.

 

Thanks for all youre imput.

[Paula]

Ive just had a conversation with my son and said to him if you could take a tablet and maybe feel calmer and be able to perhaps concentrate more and not have angry moments and outbursts would you like to take it..........a lot of children with apsergers find it can help.

 

He said he didnt want medication and he was fine.............you can force them to take it.............the only thing that i agreed with that the so phscologists said was that he had to agree to take the tablets himself...............Ive torn up the prescription.

[Sally44]

Have you spoken with the NAS to see if there is anything they can suggest.

What do you feel is the cause behind these outbursts? Is there anything he has mentioned. Does he have low self esteem?

Although you can't force him, it may take a while of explaining and talking before he even considers taking any tablets. So it might be worth continuing to talk to him about it and seeing if you can negotiate a trial period for him to try the tablets and see how he feels.

Unless you feel that medication is not the answer, but there is something else he is not happy about that needs looking at.

[Paula]

You know what im thinking im thinking that hes worried over leaving his special school next year............he doesnt want to go to the local college.......mainstream...........and i dont want him to go either as ive heard rotton reports of special needs kids needs not being met and a young girl from my sons school who started there this setember has had to be removed due to bullying and being beaten up.There are organizations such as remploy in my area who were dead helpfull ect but they dont kick in until they are adults ie 18.Im going to tell the school forget college stop banging on about it to him will you and ask my son if hed like to leave school in september and have a period of regaining his thoughts waite a while and then well sort it later...........theres no rush and it has to be right.Why take the only thing on offer at 16 when theres a world of help once they reach 18.My son has expressed he wants to be at home when he leaves school maybe if he realises this will happen for a short while it may take away his stress.............im going to see.

[smiley1590]

when i could see no way out confused and frustrated i packed my things and started walking i rang my nan who lived around the corner and said i wanted to leave home i have enough and needed some breathing space a break away from everyone at home she said to come up and we'd talk things through i ended up breaking down into tears she gave me cuddle we had a cup of tea and she told she would do it but she was terminally ill herself and couldn't care for her own needs and struggle with mine too so mum came got me later that evening i didn't understand myself still don't alot times i just wanted to 'run myself' and who i was and everything that followed me that disgusted and felt hideous,bad and guilty of in my life

 

 

i used to be like your son angry aggressive violent rages /meltdowns used to spiral right out of control over anything i ended up at A& E until early hours of the morning with my mum to this day i don't really understand the meaning behind why i believe it hormonal changes have a massive impact within our bodies making it an unpredictible non stable time with lots of adaptations and phyiscal,mental/emotional changes and alot to cope and deal with at once! it can be so confusing and frustrating i also like your son self harm on and off for nearly 7 years now i been to CAMHS adult MH services had general counselling family therapy with social worker and also had CBT clincal pyschologist and been on anti-depressants prozac , mirtazapine and an anti pyschotic risperdal

 

is your son acting out because he depressed? has this possiblity been looked into at all? as normally that when anger shows when talking can't be expressed into words and having AS makes this higher challenge and obstacle when in a distressed mental state i have managed to control my anger spells on my own with hard work and effort not been easy but i think with stress ,anxities and worry AS brings everyday bound to trip you up mentally and sometimes throw everything up in the air! it scary when affects whole of the family the situation mine upset everyone in the household was hurting and breaking everyone down and apart!

 

 

good luck

take care

XKLX

[Paula]

Smiley

 

Thanks for youre insight its very much apreciated.

 

 

 

 

[smiley1590]

no problem just know how it is *hugs* sorry things SO BAD!!! XXX if u need to talk to someone im here for you have you spoke to the NAS? for help support and advice? X

[trekster]

Ive just had a conversation with my son and said to him if you could take a tablet and maybe feel calmer and be able to perhaps concentrate more and not have angry moments and outbursts would you like to take it..........a lot of children with aspergers find it can help.

 

He said he didn't want medication and he was fine.............you can force them to take it.............the only thing that i agreed with that the so psychologists said was that he had to agree to take the tablets himself...............Ive torn up the prescription.

 

i got worse on risperidal the liquid prep. i was also in the arrogance and denial stage. it's not just teenage hormones puberty knocks the stuffing out of autistics/aspergers alike. "Asperger syndrome and adolescence" should help.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

You know what im thinking im thinking that hes worried over leaving his special school next year............he doesn't want to go to the local college.......mainstream...........and i don't want him to go either as ive heard rotten reports of special needs kids needs not being met and a young girl from my sons school who started there this September has had to be removed due to bullying and being beaten up.There are organizations such as remploy in my area who were dead helpful ect but they don't kick in until they are adults ie 18.Im going to tell the school forget college stop banging on about it to him will you and ask my son if hed like to leave school in September and have a period of regaining his thoughts wait a while and then well sort it later...........there's no rush and it has to be right.Why take the only thing on offer at 16 when there's a world of help once they reach 18.My son has expressed he wants to be at home when he leaves school maybe if he realises this will happen for a short while it may take away his stress.............im going to see.

 

 

Good idea give him a chance to decide what he wants to do with himself. i didn't decide until age 23 that i wanted to be "a nutritionist for autistic children" even now that has been put on hold due to my other conditions and lack of employers willing to interview me. They scrapped the 10% of employees have to be disabled rule years ago and im unable to get a job because of this.

 

Alexis

[Paula]

 

Spoke to my son last night and yep thats at the root of the problem he says he doesnt want to leave his school has he knows it like the back of his hand and he doesnt want to go to college...........he says he wants a part time job.I explained that just because the school is banging on about college ect he doesnt have to go he can choose exactley what he wants to do..........his little face lit up at this yuo could see the releif..............i told him that yest things were going to change..........he said i dont like change.............i said change is going to happen but it doesnt have to happen all at once well take it all at youre pace theres no rush i just want him to be happy and not worry.........all he needs to do is get to the end of the school year ie June and then leave school and well sort things then after a period of rest and time.........i gave him a breif hug.......he hates physical contact..........and explained i loved him and didnt care what he did has long has he was happy...............

 

 

Theres always a reason for his behaviour i just feel sad that i didnt realise what was going on.............he didnt need drugs he just needed reasurance..............

[Paula]

Been in touch with the headmaster at my sons school and explained what my son is worried about...........brilliant brilliant man brilliant school.........he says theyll drop talking about college with my son and in january............my sons review date........we can discuss an extended work placement...........ie they will if my son agrees telephone asda and sort it out so he can go there one day a week untill he leaves school that way there more likely to offer him a job part time when he does leave school theyve done stuff like this before for the kids..............I feel so so much happier myself.......my son did two weeks work placement there a short while ago and loved it.........

Edited December 18, 2009 by Paula

[trekster]

Pleased things are looking up for you

 

Alexis

[Kathryn]

That sounds promising, Paula. Creative solutions are what's needed - 16 to 18 is an awkward age as far as provision is concerned, we found. No one seems to be able to decide whether the person is a child or an adult.

 

K x

[JsMum]

That sounds promising, Paula. Creative solutions are what's needed - 16 to 18 is an awkward age as far as provision is concerned, we found. No one seems to be able to decide whether the person is a child or an adult.

 

K x

 

 

 

I thought that now the new child matters or something that is a new act/law when a child has a disability they have a transition plan, here in our area it 14yrs old to look at what support they will neeed when they transist into adulthood which Im assuming is 18yrs old.

 

Paula I would still contact your local NAS to see what transition stratagies are in your area.

 

Or NAS may have more spersific information on transition years.

 

JsMumxxx

 

[Mandapanda]

I thought that now the new child matters or something that is a new act/law when a child has a disability they have a transition plan, here in our area it 14yrs old to look at what support they will neeed when they transist into adulthood which Im assuming is 18yrs old.

Hi Jsmum

 

Any houses for sale in your area?

 

I'm afraid what should happen all too often doesn't happen.

 

 

Hi Paula

 

I think you have handled this situation very well indeed. In my experience, violent angry behaviour does always have a reason behind it, even if it is impossible to find out what that reason is. Glad you have managed to find out the reason and come up with a solution. All too often 'other people' suggest ways of dealing with the behaviour, and nothing for finding out what the cause is. Well done.

 

[Paula]

Or drs just say medicate them up on risperodone....which is what they said id to do..........easier i guess than trying to get to the root of it all.......weve had no tantrums our outbursts at all since i told him he wouldnt have to go to college and we could sort out an extended work placement ,after haveing an outburst almost every day for weeks.........

 

 

 

 

[Paula]

Or drs just say medicate them up on risperodone....which is what they said id to do..........easier i guess than trying to get to the root of it all.......weve had no tantrums our outbursts at all since i told him he wouldnt have to go to college and we could sort out an extended work placement ,after haveing an outburst almost every day for weeks.........

 

 

 

 

[Mandapanda]

Or drs just say medicate them up on risperodone....which is what they said id to do..........easier i guess than trying to get to the root of it all.......weve had no tantrums our outbursts at all since i told him he wouldnt have to go to college and we could sort out an extended work placement ,after haveing an outburst almost every day for weeks.........

 

Hi Paula

 

I really can imagine the relief you feel. Bless him - they look like absolute monsters sometimes but inside they are just little boys!

[Sally44]

Glad you've found out the reason.

Some schools do continue until 19, if that is an option. Or there maybe another college that would be more suitable.

He may just need the time to come to terms with school ending and take longer with any transition to either further education or some kind of work of volunteer work.

My sister works at Remploy. As far as I know that is the only sheltered employment in our city. As well as work in a Remploy factory, they also have a job finding department that looks for other suitable jobs in the mainstream market. They have been good employers. I have had to be an advocate a couple of times for my sister, but it always worked out. I have noticed that since my sister started work there in around 1970, the work force has changed from learning difficulties to people with difficulties such as a limb amputation or deafness. My sister is now the only one in her factory with learning difficulties. I'm not saying that to put you off. Just to be aware that you may need to spell out his difficulties and strengths if he works there.