Challenging ASD Diagnosis

[cookie87]

My partner and I really need some advice about what to do about my 6yr old stepson. He was diagnosed with Autism a couple of years ago, we weren't informed until about 6 months later by his mother who casually dropped it into conversation. We requested a copy of the medical report with the diagnosis on it. Everything that his mother had told the doctor were outright lies, and the doctor diagnosed my stepson with Autism without a speech and language report (despite this being the normal process) as it would take more time!?! The doctor also felt that my stepson had Autism due to the fact he was unable to behave at the doctors (this is nothing unusual when he is with his mother - he doesn't act like this with anyone else). So my partner went to see the doctor who refused to talk to him and refused to assess my stepson in the doctors office with my partner. After this however the doctor reduced the diagnosis to 'mild autism' as opposed to 'normal autism'. After much fighting we managed to get some referral forms sent to us and my stepson's mother for consideration of a speech and language report (I should probably inform you now that our referral forms and the teachers forms have conflicted with his mothers) we completed our form and sent this back along with the doctors report and our concerns regarding the misinformation given to the doctor. However again it conflicted with his mothers so no report was carried out. We are now at a loss - we don't understand why if we're saying he's not doing any of the things she says he does they aren't looking into it? My stepson's mother is motivated by money to keep the ASD diagnosis as this provides her with £70 per week. Her little sister has autism and all she talks about is how much money her parents get and what things they can buy with it, so we are both very suspicious of her. I'm going to phone the speech and language office to discuss this further but want some advice on what to say before I do -- HELP!!!

[bid]

Welcome to the forum Cookie,

 

This is a difficult situation for all of you.

 

I'm only offering this to you for consideration, I'm not for one minute intending to offend.

 

What is your stepson's mother saying her son is doing that you disagree with? How often do you see him, and for how long? How does he behave when he is with you? How much do you know about ASD?

 

My personal experience was to have an ex who was in complete denial, and only accepted that his son had special needs when he went to a residential special school.

 

I honestly think that whatever the outcome, you need to try to keep an open mind and learn as much about ASD as you can. Have you actually sat down and talked calmly to his mum? Whether you agree with her or not, she obviously has concerns and I wonder if you have openly talked about them with her, rather than simply disagreeing?

 

HTH

 

Bid

[cookie87]

Thank you for replying.

 

She informed the doctor that my stepson knows the name of every single dinosaur- he doesn't, he always has to ask me what the name of a dinosaur is - he calls t-rex's and brachiosaurus's 'sharptooth' and 'longneck' (like off the land before time) as this was one of his favourite films when he was diagnosed. She said he always watches washing machines spinning - he stays with us quite a lot and has not once taken much notice of the washing machine (apart from once when he was fiddling with the buttons and dial LOL) she said he gets stressed in crowded places like supermarkets and swimming pools and sits in the middle of the establishment and rocks himself -- this has never happened, we take him to loads of places like Legoland, London, the sealife centre and shopping centres - this has never happened, his mother also takes him to zoos, indoor waterparks and is always going into the town centre with him. She stated that Charlie can remember things from when he was a newborn -- this is not humanly possible nor is it true - Charlie states he can't remember things that we talk about from when he was a baby up until the age of about 5 (which is completely normal) she also states that he lines all his toys up and is very particular about tidiness -- now his room is very tidy at our house because I tidy it when he leaves and ask him to make his bed in the morning - his room at his mothers house is like something off the life of grime - it's disgusting and it worries me a lot.

 

His mother takes speed and so it is very difficult to have any sort of coherent conversation with her.

 

Also in regards to knowledge on ASD my father has Aspergers and my partner and I did a lot research into ASD once we were flippantly informed of the ASD diagnosis.

 

I would like to again state that his teachers also do not think he has ASD -- just behavioural issues.

 

Regards

Cookie87

[bid]

 

 

I would like to again state that his teachers also do not think he has ASD -- just behavioural issues.

 

 

 

So there is something going on at school then.

 

Have you talked to the school to find out what they are doing to help your stepson?

 

It does rather come across from your post that you don't have much time for his mum. If she is actually abusing drugs, I don't quite understand why his dad doesn't have residence??

 

I think the main thing in all of this is that your stepson receives the help he needs, regardless of whether it is ASD or behavioural, and regardless of what the adults in his life think about each other.

 

Bid

Edited June 19, 2011 by bid

[flash]

my son had aspergers and his bedroom carries a health warning.

my son has aspergers and his school don't see anything because he tries very hard to be normal there.

my son has aspergers and he can behave/say/do what people expect him to but he can't do that at home.

my son had speech assessment and it showed nothing because he can act 'normal' for short periods of time,he learnt that he can get into trouble if he did't say/do certain things (bad school teacher a few years ago).

you may be right about your stepson but do you see enough of him so that he is relaxed enough to be himself when with you.

sorry don't want to offend and if you are right then time will tell xxx

[cookie87]

Yes when he is at his mothers he doesn't behave at school, when he stays at ours he gets headteachers awards and his behaviour is perfect.

 

This has nothing to do with any feelings about each other, I am very nice to his mum and will try to help her anyway I can, the same with my partner, I am merely stating facts. My stepson does not need help at school, he gets help because of the ASD diagnosis, despite the fact he doesn't need it. If he was at our's permanently there would be no unauthorised absences and his record would be impeccable.

 

I think you may be a bit naive about how custody works - we can't afford to pay for court and solicitors fees, nor would we necessarily be successful despite how detrimental she is to her son or how beneficial we are for him and how much better a life he can have at ours. My mother works very closely with social services and has seen heroine addicted mothers maintain custody of their children despite the father being a better choice - merely because the courts views is that a child is better off with the mother (this I agree with for the first few years of a child life - but after 3 or 4 years I don't think it matters if they aren't with their mum) not only this but we would have to have some sort of photographic evidence, and it would be very hard to explain us going to her house at night or in the day to try and take a picture of her.

 

 

Regards

[cookie87]

His mother doesn't have much time for him, she won't let us have him permanently because she would lose her benefits, so we have him a lot, he stays with us for weeks at a time, we have him pretty much every weekend and during the weekend for dinner or to stay over. Sometimes we'll just take him out for the day also so that he gets out. He is very comfortable with us and the situation as it has been this way since he was 2 so he knows no difference. He doesn't have any stability at hers however, she lets him tell her what to do, she has moved house 6 times in the past 2 years because she either wrecks the house so gets evicted (i.e by letting her boyfriend chew up Jaffa cakes and spit them at her wall) or gets bored/restless so moves. We have been in the same house for 4 years and he always has routine and knows what is expected of him. We also spend time as a family as opposed to going round peoples houses and getting drunk infront of him and letting him stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning.

 

Regards

[bid]

I don't think I am particularly naive Cookie. I work with young people, a fair number of whom are looked after children, and I'm also a Child Protection lead officer at work.

 

All I can say is that if my ex was abusing drugs and doing all the other things you describe, I wouldn't allow my child to be resident there, however difficult or costly the legal situation.

 

It may well be that all of this is due to your stepson's mother and her parenting/lifestyle. All the more reason, in my opinion, to fight for residency rather than focussing on disproving any dx. Once he is safe, then as Flash says, time will prove whether he truly does have ASD or not.

 

Very best,

 

Bid

[cookie87]

We have already tried to start custody proceedings and my partner was told he had to go to mediation first as was told that fathers generally get a bad deal in court despite the mothers lifestyle (she is not abusing her son in anyway nor has he been in danger at all) my partner went through mediation and because she agreed to everything the mediation officer said in the meetings it never went to court nor could it - she then disregarded everything she agreed to once out of the meetings.

[cookie87]

In addition we don't need time, we need someone to do a speech and language assessment as require before an ASD diagnosis is made. We have spoken to specialists who have seen my stepsons case and they were shocked that a report hadn't been carried out as it is necessary for a diagnosis to be made.

[flash]

yes it may be considered necessary but it may not help prove or disprove your case. sorry i agree with Bid residency should be your battle, Dx for asd will only bring you help not harm.

good luck with your battle xxx

[chris54]

First I would agree with what bid has said.

 

I would also ask who the doctor was, you don't say, are they someone who specialises in child development or some other related field?

It is most usual to take months, anything up to a year to get a diagnosis. With input from many different practitioners.

Other than applying for DLA and/or other related benefits has his mother following up the diagnosis in respect of educational and/or other support.(it is not necessarily the parent/carer with residents who applies for/gets these benefits on behalf of the child.)

I assume you (the child's father) has shared parental responsibility, if that's the case then I don't understand why the doctor refused to discuss your (his) sons case. As I said an assessment for ASD is not something that is done in 5 minuets in a doctor's office, the final assessment is usually the culmination of month of input by a team of people.

Edited June 19, 2011 by chris54

[baddad]

Hi cookie -

I was going to post earlier, but didn't have the time... I've noticed that a couple of things I was going to say have come up in a different context, so i'll state from the outset I'm not trying to 'challenge' any of the opinions other's have put forward... here's what I was going to say...

 

I think you are treading on dodgy ground here however you approach it. Regardless of any rights or wrongs about your or you partner's assessment of your stepsons ability it will simply be seen as an 'attack'. Your partner will be dismissed as 'in denial', which is pretty much what happens to any father who has a different opinion to his wife (or ex-wife) on what might be the best way to support a child with ASD or one where mother and father fundamentally disagree on the diagnosis.

 

Even if you got the opportunity to provide evidence and could provide evidence that showed conclusively that the child behaved differently with you than when at home with mum this would be dismissed out of hand with the claim that the child was 'barely coping' with being 'forced to behave normally' and that as a consequence when coming home from time spent with you the autistic behaviours actually escalated. If you look on the boards you will find many posts from parents who offer this as an explanation for children who behave perfectly normally in school but then come home and trash their rooms, terrorise their families and even physically abuse their parents. Personally, I think more often than not there are far simpler, more logical, and more natural explanations for that phenomena that have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with autism. That view, while not popular, won't come as any surprise to anyone who's been posting on the forums for any amount of time...

 

I would agree with bid that if you have concerns about the way your partner's ex is behaving you should concentrate on that rather than the possibility of overturning the dx, but I do think in either case the odds will be stacked against you. I do, however think that if a child only exhibits specific behaviours in one environment or when with specific people the answer probably is environmental rather than medical. That's not judgemental, it's 'logic', pure and simple. I have also stood with parents who have told me their child is 'socially phobic' and 'has no friends' while the child was literally leading a group of ten or more kids in a game of 40/40, and the same parents said he would not/hated having his photo taken while we were looking at 36 snaps from a mutual friend's child's birthday party in which the child had pushed, mugging, to the front of every one... I won't tell you how that child's DLA was spent as it might 'ID' the parents concerned (not that they use this forum, as far as I know) but suffice to say it was not for the benefit of the child and their assessment of his needs (higher rate for both) didn't seem to tally with anything I knew about the child who I had known from infancy

 

Some people do see what they want to see; and that again isn't judgemental it is simple logic that people have no problem accepting among the general population of parents but go into complete denial about if the child happens to be autistic.

 

Obviously none of the above is a comment on your situation: I don't know you or anyone else involved so couldn't possibly offer an opinion either way... I do, however, knowing the inequality of our legal system (only this week half a PM has gone on the record as saying absent father's should be 'stigmatised' without any acknowledgement of the wider issues that might make that the best option a responsible father could make in certain circumstances) think you're in for an uphill struggle whatever the rights or wrongs. I also think effective communication between the parents is the right way forward, even if that means one side having to pull more than their fair share of the load. Apart from anything else, if she has custody and there is no overwhelming evidence to show that that's not how it should be she does, effectively, have your partner by the short 'uns. That is the reality of our legal system, and there are many ex's out there who are willing to abuse it. That, again, is not 'judgemental' it's just how it is. And lest anyone who doesn't know me well enough to know, it's not misogyny either...

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

 

 

I think you are treading on dodgy ground here however you approach it. Regardless of any rights or wrongs about your or you partner's assessment of your stepsons ability it will simply be seen as an 'attack'. Your partner will be dismissed as 'in denial', which is pretty much what happens to any father who has a different opinion to his wife (or ex-wife) on what might be the best way to support a child with ASD or one where mother and father fundamentally disagree on the diagnosis.

 

 

As I am the only poster to comment that my ex was 'in denial', can I just clarify that he was asked if he wanted to come to every single one of the many, many appointments and assessments over my son's childhood (he came to one), and that he was given copies of every single report and letter.

 

It is apparently perfectly possible for someone to read 10 years worth of reports from 2 paediatricians with on-going care, SALT, regular OT and physio and EPs all clearly documenting my son's special needs and still say there is 'nothing wrong' with him.

 

I carefully didn't suggest that this was what is happening here. Personally, my interpretation of the situation is that all the adults concerned have become more caught up in proving they are 'right', than looking at the actual needs of the child.

 

Bid

Edited June 19, 2011 by bid

[baddad]

As I am the only poster to comment that my ex was 'in denial', can I just clarify that he was asked if he wanted to come to every single one of the many, many appointments and assessments over my son's childhood (he came to one), and that he was given copies of every single report and letter.

 

It is apparently perfectly possible for someone to read 10 years worth of reports from 2 paediatricians with on-going care, SALT, regular OT and physio and EPs all clearly documenting my son's special needs and still say there is 'nothing wrong' with him.

 

I carefully didn't suggest that this was what is happening here. Personally, my interpretation of the situation is that all the adults concerned have become more caught up in proving they are 'right', than looking at the actual needs of the child.

 

Bid

 

Hi Bid -

sorry, that's why I said in the opening of my post about reading earlier and not having time to post... Iwasn't commenting in any way on your post or your situation, and I totally agree it is perfectly possible for a dad (or mum) to be 'in denial'. The point I was making is that it is an accusation that is made in these situations and the fact that it is made doesn't necessarily mean it is true but it is a 'default' position and one that's almost impossible for an accused father to circumnavigate, because nine times out of ten any 'jury' will already be prejudiced against him. I haven't drawn any conclusions about who is 'right' because there's not enough info and we only have one very subjective account of the situation - I was just stating my opinion that in a case like this right or wrong is more often than not a moot point, because our legal system does favour the mother... (in the same way that it would be equally true to say that 200 years ago it favoured the father).

As I said, that was what I would have written had your post never been made and/or had I had the time to post before your post was made. Having apologised for that now twice I can only hope you'll accept that at face value, or if not at least give me the benefit of the doubt because without a time machine i haven't got any other way of setting the record straight!

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

No worries, BD...

 

I was just trying to show that while I appreciate that accusing an ex of being in denial can be a default position/cheap shot especially where the adult interaction had become very negative, it is also equally possible for it to be a genuine situation. And when that is the case, it is extremely difficult for the parent who has accepted their child's special needs and is trying to get the best possible help and provision for them.

 

But coming back to the OP, I hope your stepson gets the stability and safety he deserves.

 

Bid

[philipo]

What could be more damaging is the extra strees and anxiety for your family by fighting for custody.The day to day reality is that it would be hard to get custody unless the childs mum turned into a £10 junkie prostitute or started burning the kid with ciggarettes,the Social services are really crisis managment on an ever reducing budget.Its a terrible feeling being a step parent sometimes,being open to being demonised by the children and your partners ex at every turn and if there's still bitterness between any of the parents then you'll probably get a minor dose of power/game playing.I've been there with stepchildren and having to chew on it when an immature parent is doing sabotage ,for some so called parents its more about exercising power over a situation rather than exercising responsibilty.All you can do is keep your family happy and keep going with the positives,over time the child will understand who really has their interests at heart.it might take a few years .The child ,(as the ss call them)can also use the situation to play it both ways and play you all off against each other.Take your time and your positive parental skills will speak for themselves .By developing trust and affection with the child as time goes on you should be able to unravel any 'rackets' both economic and pscyhcological,but remeber its important that you and your partner have a united and constant strategy for dealing with the childs mother and in time that stable approach will count.If there are any issues about regular contact/acess there is a legal thing called a parental responsibility agreement,you dont have to go to court for this.Its important that you don't react to any games and you concentrate on your immediate daily family .The childs behavioural issues are very likley the result of the emotional upheaval and can easily be misinterpreted by school/asd/childcare proffesionals.ONCE AGAIN time and only time will tell.good luck, becoming a step parent shows you've got guts ,love and commitment,keep on trucking!!!

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Difficult one with no easy answer. I'm aware that my son behaves worse with some individuals more than others – indeed, most kids behave worse with their parents. During visits GP surgery, hospital, etc R would become extremely anxious and frankly present as a very badly behaved boy. However, his consultant said (with I agree with completely) that his behaviour is attributable to sheer anxiety which is not uncommon amongst ASD kids. Chuldren can present very differently in different situations and with different people. Also, if I had a penny for how many times e.g. a neighbour would say 'oh we've all got our funnily ways', 'we're all on the spectrum you know', 'he seems fine to me', etc etc. However, appearances can be deceptive and time does tell. I'm not for a second suggesting you're wrong (sadly the mother may have manufactured the situation - though, I'd like to think such people are in the minority). lastly, most diagnoses take a long time (years) and it's usually a multi-agency collaborative effort. Generally most Consultants etc shy away from labelling a child without being as certain as they can be that the child does in fact have an ASD (they usually refer to school reports, home visits, SALT reports, ADOS assessments, etc etc). I guess if you're as sure as you can be that the diagnosis is wrong, it would be worth speaking with kiddo's Headteacher, teacher, Educational Psychologist, etc (though I should say they're not experts) and then see a specialist. Perhaps an ADOS and SALT assessment may be worthwhile (looking at body language, speech, eye contact, verbal reciprocacy, imagination, etc). I would like to add though that my son went through many assessment over a long period – specialists don't always get things right and so the more 'evidence' collated over a period of time can help. I'm a big believer that time will tell. Some people had doubts about my son, however, as time has went on, any doubts have been dispelled – there's no doubt now! I think it's a real compliment that kiddo behaves better with you and your partner. That certainly shows he's comfortable, though I'd be hesistant to conclude that that means (coupled with the aforementioned points) he doesn't have an ASD. I think the answer is to give it time.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

Edited June 20, 2011 by cmuir

[JsMum]

My stepson does not need help at school, he gets help because of the ASD diagnosis, despite the fact he doesn't need it.

 

Has he got a statement of SEN then? what actual help does he recieve at school? LSA, Social Skills ect...

 

Is his Mother a single parent? does she get enough support, it could be that when there is a team of people looking after him he responds better to the support, if Mum hasnt got enough support then this could be setting her up to fail and look like she is an ineffective parent.

 

My son displays behaviours both at home and at school but at his recent respite provision he hasnt shown any challenging behaviours, mostly due to the undivided, 1-1 trained attention and support he recieves.

 

It is well documented on this board that many children here display different behaviours at school and at home, thats one of the main reasons its so difficult to get a statement in the first place because Teachers say the all to common word, Oh no problems with us dear, must be mum, parenting, anything they can think of to stay clear of responsibilities of actually meeting the needs and if step son has a statement, support in school it will be because he NEEDS IT, Not because of Diagnosis, even with Diagnosis its still really hard to get support in school.

 

As reguards SALT all of my sons reports came back with no further SALT required and because he was making a few friends with girls, they discharged him, even though CAMHS had identified SALT needs. since 2008 he has had continious SALT assessments and he has a Language disorder and has severe impairments, placing him below the percentile, some are way of the scale, no way of knowing how severe because there is no base line test, he has significant social interaction issues but back in mainstream days all of this was totally ignored and not identified even though I kept on sharing my concerns no one listened until I went down the tribunal route for a specialist school and obtained private independant assessments, even a recent court psychiatrist has recommended further SALT and SALT therapies and the recent Statement assessment the LEA have removed a third of his SALT provisions.

 

When not looking after children 24-7 who have ASD it is very difficult to comment and judge on the extent of thier problems, the boy will have a totally different attatchment and bond with his mother and may feel safer to express his real feelings and emotions, he prossibly keeps it together for short periods something not unkown on this forum by many parents.

 

I do feel your trying to set up a picture that there is absaloutly no problems with this boy when with you for short periods of time when there is clear differences with his mother, this could be said for many of us here and I can manage my own son for short periods of time, the pressure and strain come when caring for children with Special needs for long periods and I am pursuming Mum has custody for majority of the time.

 

If The boy also recieves DLA there will need to be evidence to prove his needs, obvously if the DLA money is been spent on Drugs and alcohol then thats a problem but if the £70 per week is to contribute to his care and buy in equiptment then she is actually meeting his needs.

 

 

We have already tried to start custody proceedings and my partner was told he had to go to mediation first as was told that fathers generally get a bad deal in court despite the mothers lifestyle (she is not abusing her son in anyway nor has he been in danger at all) my partner went through mediation and because she agreed to everything the mediation officer said in the meetings it never went to court nor could it - she then disregarded everything she agreed to once out of the meetings.

 

If your step sons mother is not abusing your step son or in danger then the Judge will want to ensure the boy stays with his Mother.

 

 

You say your Step sons mother has a sister with Autism, Autism can and does run in families so I would say there is a 50percent chance your son could well indeed have ASD too.

 

I think your setting this Mother up to look as bad as you can and discrediting the childs diagnosis for your own gains and you need to be careful because if the child does have ASD and needs then the child will need all the support he can access.

 

What would you do if residency was agreed and your step son came to live with you and overtime you saw that there was ASD traits/needs then what would you do?

 

JsMum

Edited June 20, 2011 by JsMum

[cmuir]

 

my son has aspergers and his school don't see anything because he tries very hard to be normal there.

my son has aspergers and he can behave/say/do what people expect him to but he can't do that at home.

 

 

 

My son is exactly the same. The reasons for this are well documented – kids holding it together in school, trying to be normal/fit in, but once home can't contain themselves any longer and 'vent'.

[baddad]

My son is exactly the same. The reasons for this are well documented kids holding it together in school, trying to be normal/fit in, but once home can't contain themselves any longer and 'vent'.

 

Hi cmuir - just to be pedantic, this is well documented and reasons have been interpreted in the way you suggest by some, but others have interpreted very different 'reasons'. As I said earlier, IMO there are often far more reasonable and logical interpretations that have nothing to do with autism but are very well documented in just about any textbook on basic human psychology and power dynamics. I've seen very few cases where this more 'logical' interpretation has been made and appropriately responded to where the power dynamics haven't changed for the better, either among the NT or autistic child population.

 

I would add that there is an equally well documented scenario where children behave at home but become violent, destructive, aggressive etc in school. I don't think i've ever seen a single interpretation of that concluding that home life must be so stressful that school is the only place where they feel safe to 'vent', or where the alternative 'logical' solution - that the child feels empowered to behave that way in school because sanctions are ineffectual and/or challenged by parents - has been accepted. Of course, that's precisely the interpretation that is made if a child is non-autistic...

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited June 20, 2011 by baddad

[cookie87]

First I would agree with what bid has said.

 

I would also ask who the doctor was, you don't say, are they someone who specialises in child development or some other related field?

It is most usual to take months, anything up to a year to get a diagnosis. With input from many different practitioners.

Other than applying for DLA and/or other related benefits has his mother following up the diagnosis in respect of educational and/or other support.(it is not necessarily the parent/carer with residents who applies for/gets these benefits on behalf of the child.)

I assume you (the child's father) has shared parental responsibility, if that's the case then I don't understand why the doctor refused to discuss your (his) sons case. As I said an assessment for ASD is not something that is done in 5 minuets in a doctor's office, the final assessment is usually the culmination of month of input by a team of people.

 

Thats exactly why we're getting so frustrated. The doctor is just a normal family doctor and doesn't specialise in that field. His mother took him to a group of specialists and explained her situation (god knows what she told them) and they sent out a referral form to his teacher and her (we were not aware of this while it was going on, she did not involved my partner nor did she notify them of his existence) the teacher completed the referral form with no difficulties at all, and she completed the form with extreme difficulties (it was multiple choice questionnaire thing), she then got an appointment with the doctor and in that appointment the doctor diagnosed my stepson with ASD. My partner explained that his name is on his son's birth certificate and as per new family law, has full parental rights. The doctor told my partner that he could get in trouble for just talking to my partner (this I find highly suspicious as my partner has every right to every bit of information about his son)

 

Regards

Edited June 20, 2011 by cookie87

[cookie87]

To JSMum, I am not trying to discredit his mother in anyway, as stated in previous posts we have my stepson for weeks at a time, for one of these weeks I took him to school and back each day as my partner had to work. I had absolutely NO problems as always. It is not just us either it is literally anyone but his mother. On the way to school one of the mornings I met the mother of one of his many friends, who informed me that when my stepson went round her house for dinner, he was a perfect angel, but as soon as his mum turned up to pick him up he turned into a monster.

 

We don't think he has ASD at all. However if the teachers agreed with his mother and if a longer assessment had been done, and a speech and language report carried out and a home assessment done at our house and the mothers house, and they still said he had ASD I would happily believe it and actively seek support, and do whatever I could to support his mother. However until this happens I just can't justify it.

 

I would also like to add that although she doesn't work (and no she is not a single mother she has had a boyfriend for the past 5 years who she lives with) she has not attended any meetings nor has she accepted any of the help that has been offered to her.

 

And in response to baddad you are correct, his mother claims he can't make friends because of his 'autism' yet when we pick him up he is usually playing with about 6 or 7 other children, and he plays with all the children on our street. Also recently when we were on holiday he made lots of friends and told us his most favourite bit about the holiday was meeting new friends.

 

By the way thank you baddad for seeing logic and understanding me instead of jumping on my back and getting defensive like certain other posters on this thread. This may be contraversial but I think a lot of single mothers don't appreciate how hard it is for fathers and they do use their child as a bargaining tool, as many of them still have bitterness about their break up and do not put the needs of their child above their own pettiness.

 

Luckily my stepsons mother isn't like this - she is just quite odd and in my opinion the one with ASD.#

 

Regards

[cookie87]

To JSMum, I am not trying to discredit his mother in anyway, as stated in previous posts we have my stepson for weeks at a time, for one of these weeks I took him to school and back each day as my partner had to work. I had absolutely NO problems as always. It is not just us either it is literally anyone but his mother. On the way to school one of the mornings I met the mother of one of his many friends, who informed me that when my stepson went round her house for dinner, he was a perfect angel, but as soon as his mum turned up to pick him up he turned into a monster.

 

We don't think he has ASD at all. However if the teachers agreed with his mother and if a longer assessment had been done, and a speech and language report carried out and a home assessment done at our house and the mothers house, and they still said he had ASD I would happily believe it and actively seek support, and do whatever I could to support his mother. However until this happens I just can't justify it.

 

I would also like to add that although she doesn't work (and no she is not a single mother she has had a boyfriend for the past 5 years who she lives with) she has not attended any meetings nor has she accepted any of the help that has been offered to her.

 

And in response to baddad you are correct, his mother claims he can't make friends because of his 'autism' yet when we pick him up he is usually playing with about 6 or 7 other children, and he plays with all the children on our street. Also recently when we were on holiday he made lots of friends and told us his most favourite bit about the holiday was meeting new friends.

 

By the way thank you baddad for seeing logic and understanding me instead of jumping on my back and getting defensive like certain other posters on this thread. This may be contraversial but I think a lot of single mothers don't appreciate how hard it is for fathers and they do use their child as a bargaining tool, as many of them still have bitterness about their break up and do not put the needs of their child above their own pettiness.

 

Luckily my stepsons mother isn't like this - she is just quite odd and in my opinion the one with ASD.#

 

Regards

[JsMum]

My son has been to other peoples houses for tea and been an angel too, Angel behaviour doesnt cancel out special needs.

 

Not all families trust social services and support and their motives now adays and if this is logged in her notes then there is obvously no concerns because social services havent done anything about her non compliance to support.

 

Just because your step son is seen out playing with kids on the street doesnt mean he cant have autism, there is a hand full of kids in our area with ASD and they play with the local kids but what they stuggle with is social interaction, social understanding and social functioning, My own son is very social but has significant social impairments such as communication, interaction and social use of language, IE Taking things literately and my own son enjoys making friends but its keeping them that is the particular difficulty.

 

My sons father died when my son was a baby, so not all single parents are bitter and using children as a bargaining tool.

 

And your now acusing your step sons Mother behaviour towards her own son as Autistic!

 

 

Dont forget the person your having so many goes about is your step sons Mother!

 

JsMumxxx

Edited June 20, 2011 by JsMum

[cookie87]

I am going to ignore all of your comments JSMum as it is clear you are getting on the offense because you feel defensive, despite the fact I have not made any comments on your parenting or your situation. I have reported you as you have come onto a 'Help and Advice' forum not to provide help or advice but merely to bash other people in an attempt to defend yourself for god knows what reason. Therefore I suggest you stop posting on this thread.

[Mumble]

she is just quite odd and in my opinion the one with ASD.#

I think such a comment is a little insensitive on a forum individuals with ASD post on. ASD is not about being 'odd', it is a very complex multi-faceted neurobiological pervasive developmental disorder.

[JsMum]

I am going to ignore all of your comments JSMum as it is clear you are getting on the offense because you feel defensive, despite the fact I have not made any comments on your parenting or your situation. I have reported you as you have come onto a 'Help and Advice' forum not to provide help or advice but merely to bash other people in an attempt to defend yourself for god knows what reason. Therefore I suggest you stop posting on this thread.

 

 

I am just giving you an opinion, you did a lot of bashing too in reguards your step sons mother, maybe I just identify with your stepson mother more than you, we are allowed our opinions, you explained a lot of sanarios why you Dont think your step son has Autism because he play with kids, behaves at a playmates dinner invite and I shared with you the difficulties a ASD person has with social situations, thats not defensive.

 

JsMumx

[bid]

 

Luckily my stepsons mother isn't like this - she is just quite odd and in my opinion the one with ASD.#

 

 

 

Hmmm...

 

I have a dx of AS.

 

Perhaps I am 'odd'.

 

I think you need to be aware that there are a good number of adults on this forum, both parents and non-parents, who have a dx of ASD. As Mumble says, rather insensitive.

 

Bid

[bid]

Hi cmuir - just to be pedantic, this is well documented and reasons have been interpreted in the way you suggest by some, but others have interpreted very different 'reasons'. As I said earlier, IMO there are often far more reasonable and logical interpretations that have nothing to do with autism but are very well documented in just about any textbook on basic human psychology and power dynamics. I've seen very few cases where this more 'logical' interpretation has been made and appropriately responded to where the power dynamics haven't changed for the better, either among the NT or autistic child population.

 

 

 

Ah well, I guess both paediatricians with on-going care throughout my son's childhood got it wrong then...and us too, since this was exactly how Big A presented

 

Ho hum...

 

Bid

Edited June 20, 2011 by bid

[Mumble]

Perhaps I am 'odd'.

*Gags self* (knew that odd sock I kept would come in handy ). Say nothing, Mumble, say nothing.

[bid]

*Gags self* (knew that odd sock I kept would come in handy ). Say nothing, Mumble, say nothing.

 

Now I don't mind being active but odd...

 

Bid

Edited June 20, 2011 by bid

[philipo]

Now I don't mind being active but odd...

 

Bid

As an active and odd person with asd who is known for being insensitive and rude,and as an ex single dad who was main parent until mum bogged off finally when child was too,and a stepparent of 8 children over two ex relationships who 'discoverd' when his biological daughter was 6 that he was'nt even on the birth certificate!!!Can I just say lets be nice.Being a stepparent is real hard work and mostly a thankless task,just the same as being a parent,whats more you don't even have to have kids to be a parent.I've seen loads of so called 'parents' wringing everylast penny out of their kids disabilities,even when they hav'nt got any for their own greedy agendas,attendance allowance,disability cars,holiday caravans,free holidays the works!!!And what horrible abusive people they are.its far more common than we think.The worst I've seen is a school in north manchester with no male teachers where they started statementing all the boys so they could screw extra funding out the LEA.If I had my time again then when the ex left when the kid was 2 i should have pretended I was gay and had a much easier time of it,but unfortunatly I was an undiagnosed asd stickler for the truth,I could of made a mint abusing the welfare/social security/family,but being an asd job I could never have filled in the forms,let alone understood all the games and scams as all my energies went into basic day to day coping and providing a safe warm homelife on scabby social security miniumum rate.The absent parent did well ,she pretended to her relatives that the child lived with her all the time and coined it in,she lived in a five bedroom house on her own ever since ,rich and secure,but empty and souless with no idea of the beauty and peronal illumination that being a parent gives you,i am older n poor but immeasurably happy and rich in my heart...lets be freinds we are all on the same team!!!

[baddad]

Ah well, I guess both paediatricians with on-going care throughout my son's childhood got it wrong then...and us too, since this was exactly how Big A presented

 

Ho hum...

 

Bid

 

Hi bid - whatever the circumstances in your case (or anyone else's) it doesn't make the 'logic' flawed, and when someone takes personal insult from a general observation there isn't really much room for anyone to manouvre...

 

It's a very strange thing about this forum that with the countless number of posts that get made saying how wrong professionals at every level seem to get things when they say things that parents don't agree with they are invariably viewed as being 100% accurate whenever they say exactly what the parents want them to say... As you've pointed out yourself in the past if a parent sees ten consultants who tell them 'no' and one who tells them 'yes', despite all logic it is the one that tells them yes - even if they've paid him cash in hand for saying it - who gets listened to.

 

I'm not making any judgements about any individuals or any children, I am just stating the very obvious fact that parents of autistic children are just as capable of making bad judgements and responding inappropriately as any other parents. Unless you've suddenly come to endorse the philosophy that 'god gives special kids to special people' you know the 'logic' of that is irrefutable. I also believe emphatically that autistic children are human beings and not some strange alien breed who do not share the same drives and motivations that drive and motivate all human beings - all life, in fact. If a behaviour is effective in producing a predictable and desirable reward and response then that behaviour will be enacted unless some other factor (be it compassion, or guilt or any other motivator within the range of 'super-ego' negotiation and responses or something more direct like sanctions and/or a more desirable reward)circumvents them enacting it. To claim that autistic people do not respond to such motivations is to devalue them to a level of sub-human consciousness, because this is very, very basic human psychology. Out of interest, do you believe only autistic people operate at this level, or do you believe that NT children who are disruptive at home/well behaved at school or vice versa are equally incapable of behaving that way because it's a useful control strategy for them and that they must be doing it because of some inherent 'otherness'? If you do think NT kids deserve the same consideration/benefit of the doubt you're very much in the minority round here because the usual mantra is 'autistic good / NT bad', which is about as realistic and reliable as the leg based mantra George Orwell's pigs used to indoctrinate the rest of the critters on the farm!

 

Again - not talking about anyone specifically and it would be pointless to do so anyway, as one swallow doesn't make a summer.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh, PS: I'm all for 'active but odd', whether applied to autistic people as a label or to non-autistic people who are quirky and interesting. I'm just not keen on definitions that generalise autistic people as 'other' in any way, whether demons or angels. Ho hum indeed.

Edited June 20, 2011 by baddad

[bid]

What can I say BD...presumably all the more kudos to A for throwing off our bad judgements and inappropriate responses and making a successful transition to a completely independent adult life, working full-time and living in his little flat in a different city...

 

Go figure, as they say!

 

Bid

[baddad]

What can I say BD...presumably all the more kudos to A for throwing off our bad judgements and inappropriate responses and making a successful transition to a completely independent adult life, working full-time and living in his little flat in a different city...

 

Go figure, as they say!

 

Bid

 

As I said bid - if you take a general observation as a personal insult there's not any sort of 'logical' response, but i will try...

 

One swallow does not make a summer. Whatever happened with A - whether you got everything 100% right or were the worst parent on the planet - that doesn't mean the same circumstances apply to all autistic people who displayed the same behaviours A displayed as a child, or that your 100% perfect / worst parenting ever would apply to all autistic children who displayed the same behaviours A displayed as a child.

And I know a smart lady like you can go figure that out if you want to (but it would be equally true to say, of course, that if you didn;t want to you wouldn't, because that is, after all, very very basic human psychology).

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

 

 

Whatever happened with A - whether you got everything 100% right or were the worst parent on the planet - that doesn't mean the same circumstances apply to all autistic people who displayed the same behaviours A displayed as a child, or that your 100% perfect / worst parenting ever would apply to all autistic children who displayed the same behaviours A displayed as a child.

And I know a smart lady like you can go figure that out if you want to (but it would be equally true to say, of course, that if you didn;t want to you wouldn't, because that is, after all, very very basic human psychology).

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Now, being a very, very smart lady BD...this can of course be entirely applied to your attitudes/approaches to parenting ASD children too

 

Bid

Edited June 20, 2011 by bid

[Lightworker27]

my son had aspergers and his bedroom carries a health warning.

my son has aspergers and his school don't see anything because he tries very hard to be normal there.

my son has aspergers and he can behave/say/do what people expect him to but he can't do that at home.

my son had speech assessment and it showed nothing because he can act 'normal' for short periods of time,he learnt that he can get into trouble if he did't say/do certain things (bad school teacher a few years ago).

you may be right about your stepson but do you see enough of him so that he is relaxed enough to be himself when with you.

sorry don't want to offend and if you are right then time will tell xxx

 

My 14 year old daughter is exactly the same, however unlike before her anxiety is starting to show in school its becoming more extreme. This is very frustrating when people/school don't see the difficulties and anxiety my daughter goes through on a daily basis, she suffers in silence and tries to fit it, and then has a meltdown when she wants to understand why she feels the way and acts the way she does. when at home she constantly needs reasurrance and repetativley goes through her routines for the following day. xx

[baddad]

Now, being a very, very smart lady BD...this can of course be entirely applied to your attitudes/approaches to parenting ASD children too

 

Bid

 

Absolutely... and I'm just as convinced I'm right as all those people who are getting it wrong are convinced they are right The only difference is, erm, I'm right!

Seriously...

 

 

No seriously...

 

 

 

 

No - seriously. I have made, and I am sure will continue to make many many errors of judgment in parenting my son, I genuinely do believe that I'm over the worst of them and that most of them occurred in the first few years when I was making all the same excuses, justifications and denials I see other parents making. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that if I'd listened to the bleeding heart professionals who told me all of the things he wouldn't do / wouldn't achieve / was incapable of understanding / incapable of controlling that I would have a far less able thirteen year old than the one I've got. Counting backwards, I can say that's probably true all the way back through when he was a twelve year old, eleven year old, ten year old etc etc right back to when he was the three/four year old underachiever the professionals had convinced me he was genetically predisposed to be. More relevant to this thread, I have absolutely no doubt either that had he lived with 'mum' rather than me his expectations and opportunities would be severely compromised. That's not bitterness or a 'judgement', it's just the reality of how it is/who she was and I've never held it against her or allowed anyone else to around him.

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Going back to your OP Cookie...

 

I don't think it's possible for any of us to judge whether your stepson has ASD or not.

 

He may well have ASD, and present as many of us have experienced here, passive at school due to anxiety, and perhaps benefitting from the clearer routines you have when he stays with you. Incidentally, although I joked about being 'active but odd', it was a term that used to be applied to people with HFA/AS who rather than being aloof, want to interact and have friends, but do so clumsily because their social skills are compromised.

 

Equally, from what you describe of his mum's lifestyle and drug abuse, the behavioural issues the school mention and his behaviour with her, could well be due to this rather than ASD. And again, he benefits from the routine and stability with you.

 

As I said before, personally I would concentrate on fighting for custody rather than focusing on overturning any dx, as that would appear to me to be the more pressing concern.

 

Very best with a very difficult situation.

 

Bid

Edited June 21, 2011 by bid