So is it AS that makes me feel this way?

darkshine · July 17, 2011

Imagine a nothing, an atom, a speck and that would still be more than me, I am no one and nobody and nothing at all, and I can’t escape from myself, I’m worthless and empty and barely alive and it’s not good being me, but I can’t even die.

I live in a planet that makes no sense at all with people that make no sense at all and I wonder over and over why I got dropped here as some freak, some accident that should have never occurred and I cry by myself when no one can see cuz its horrid being trapped in this world, being trapped in this life I didn’t want, didn’t ask for, do not want and would not request.

People ask “what is the purpose of my life?” For me it has been to experience pain on levels far deeper than I'd wish to experience, cruelty and hurt and everything bad bad bad.

For as long as I can remember I have tried so hard to 'fit in' to be accepted, liked, wanted, and all I get back is to be shunned and detested and glared at with scorn, looked down on and whispered about and bullied and beat up. And I can tell, I can hear and see and feel.

What sort of destiny is it to be trapped being something I’m not? Living this life? That has already been dictated by the vast majority? Well you know what? Maybe I can lie and pretend and act, but I can’t do it forever, and all the while I hate your humanity, I hate your society, your false beliefs, your emptiness, your shallowness, your dismissiveness and lies, I hate you for making me have to be like you, I hate you for how you make me feel inside every single day of my cursed life.

And the people who go about in their blind little lives are happy are they? They are satisfied with being stupid crawling ants that do not deserve to exist on this planet, that just look out for themselves and breed hatred. They use the word “human” to mean something better than it is. Human’s are nothing. They are nothing. They sit and crow over their creations but at what cost? What has it actually achieved? Sure we can cure terrible diseases but we probably caused them in the first place which takes the shine off the achievement somewhat.

Is there any point to any of this at all? At all? For I see none, I see nothing. And just for the hell of it I get to live my life as an ugly little freak amongst this stunning marvellous world. Oh great.

And for some reason I spend my time modelling you, mimicking you, studying you, trying to be like you, and tomorrow I'll push all this away again and carry on with it all trapped inside me, killing me, torturing me, and everything will be fine again for the rest of the world.

So is this cuz of AS? Me? My life experience? or 'you' (you being humanity)?

And for one night only I don't care how this comes across, I haven't sat and chosen each word, I haven't thought about it or planned it, but I know I haven't sworn, threatened, been aggressive, abusive, or talked in depth about anger or violence, I have just expressed openly my feelings and opinions and am requesting to know if any of this is to do with AS?

Is it wrong to be honest? To ask? To explain? To feel so so alone in the world and seek some level of reassurance however remote or minute?

Tally · July 17, 2011

No, AS is not what causes you to feel this way, because I have AS and do not feel this way.

I think you need some help with the way you are feeling, especially if you are having thoughts of wishing you were dead. This is a sign that something is very badly wrong and you should take it very seriously. But I also think this is something you can get help with so that you don't have to feel this way forever.

philipo · July 17, 2011

Thats a most clear and elegant,if all negative veiw on the suject.Its not just the AS though its your situation and its got lots of dimensions.having some clear support helps.i feel pretty much the same.I feel its an undeclared biological war,made worse by drug companies and by people expecting that there's a cure,or normalisation of behaviour.

What keeps me going is the support and encouragement of freinds and the samll mercies and beauty that I find when i talk to people who listen and inderstand,

Class and inherited wealth helps,then you can be treated as eccentric instead od suspect mentally ill/non specific lunacy.

I read bits about it being a 'modern' deisease ,caused by the way we live and the onslaught of modern technologies.Foe me i think thats why (despite having loads of techy skills) I prefer farmwork and camping in woodland.

Whatever the affliction/disability/illness remember there's only you who's got the biggest input to create your own happiness.

Most people (as in 'normal'?) can't handle negative expressions,as there not that in touch what makes them tick as ones who are biologically hyperalert,It scares them because it reminds them who fragile there sense of 'sanity ' is.

Thats a primal peice of expression Darkshine.I could'nt do it ,not without aggresion/swearing and making some other posters squirm.

To me it feels like I'm just a brain on a stick,or trapped inside a body,fully aware but trying to co ordinate with the outside world using a playstaion control pad.

coolbreeze · July 17, 2011

Hi Darkshine

It sounds like you have some degree of depression which maybe for many reasons. We don't know about your circumstances but I am sure I read that you were diagnosed this year. There will be a period of accepting and coming to terms, where you are bound to be full of questions and thoughts. In a perfect world some form of CBT would be useful, have you tried this? I know it is not always easy to get on surgery budgets etc, if you are feeling like this go to the GP and don't be fobbed of change if you have to.

When I joined the forum I read your post about wanting to post a post. From my understanding you were anxious whether anyone would reply. Well I thought this the other day how active and participating on the forum you are now. You have come across confident, expressed your opinions but been very understanding and diplomatic of how others will regard your posts. Put in some great humour and I for one am not seeing a "worthless person".

xx

Edited July 17, 2011 by coolbreeze

indiscreet · July 17, 2011

When I joined the forum I read your post about wanting to post a post. From my understanding you were anxious whether anyone would reply. Well I thought this the other day how active and participating on the forum you are now. You have come across confident, expressed your opinions but been very understanding and diplomatic of how others will regard your posts. Put in some great humour and I for one am not seeing a "worthless person".

Well said, Coolbreeze. :thumbs: I agree.

dm2010 · July 17, 2011

I think that it's useful to feel insignificant sometimes, because everyone is !

We live on the surface of a small planet, that orbits a very ordinary star. If you look on spacecraft shots from Mars orbit, we are just a pale blue dot.

There are 100 billion stars in our galaxy. And 100 billion galaxies . . . .

If you feel down, go on the internet and look up the NASA site on "Mars Global Surveyor". See another world in detail. The universe is a very big place.

Edited July 17, 2011 by dm2010

darkshine · July 17, 2011

No, AS is not what causes you to feel this way, because I have AS and do not feel this way.

I think you need some help with the way you are feeling, especially if you are having thoughts of wishing you were dead. This is a sign that something is very badly wrong and you should take it very seriously. But I also think this is something you can get help with so that you don't have to feel this way forever.

Hi Tally, I have mentioned this to the MH team that I see, and I have mentioned it more times than I can remember, I've said it, written it and filled out questionnaires and forms on it, but nothing happens. I do take it seriously because it makes life torturous and hellish and very very difficult, my main technique is to bury it inside me as deep as I can, but last night I felt that I had to ask people 'out there' for some feedback on it cuz I am just sitting with my views and they need to be challenged and discussed sometimes I think.

Ps - re: MH and discussing this - I have told them many times over a 11 years period now and they still brush it off as unimportant.

Thats a most clear and elegant,if all negative veiw on the suject.Its not just the AS though its your situation and its got lots of dimensions.having some clear support helps.i feel pretty much the same.I feel its an undeclared biological war,made worse by drug companies and by people expecting that there's a cure,or normalisation of behaviour.

What keeps me going is the support and encouragement of freinds and the samll mercies and beauty that I find when i talk to people who listen and inderstand,

Class and inherited wealth helps,then you can be treated as eccentric instead od suspect mentally ill/non specific lunacy.

I read bits about it being a 'modern' deisease ,caused by the way we live and the onslaught of modern technologies.Foe me i think thats why (despite having loads of techy skills) I prefer farmwork and camping in woodland.

Whatever the affliction/disability/illness remember there's only you who's got the biggest input to create your own happiness.

Most people (as in 'normal'?) can't handle negative expressions,as there not that in touch what makes them tick as ones who are biologically hyperalert,It scares them because it reminds them who fragile there sense of 'sanity ' is.

Thats a primal peice of expression Darkshine.I could'nt do it ,not without aggresion/swearing and making some other posters squirm.

To me it feels like I'm just a brain on a stick,or trapped inside a body,fully aware but trying to co ordinate with the outside world using a playstaion control pad.

Hey - thank you as always for your opinion philipo - my expression is sometimes the problem though cuz sometimes people look at what I write and think that I spend hours constructing it to sound almost like a story or something, and they don't understand that it only takes me about 5 minutes to churn out my feelings, they think I'm just trying to sound good - even when its being negative. Take my OP for example, the only editing I did was to add spaces and punctuation (cuz to start with it was just a lump of text that would be hard to read) but the content wasn't touched.

It seems to me that a lot of people do not cope well with the kind of stuff I have written in this post and I don't understand why.

Normally I just hide all this, but sometimes I have to ask, I have to see if I really am alone, sometimes everything just won't stay locked up no more...

I don't want to offend anyone or make them squirm and I guess that I am lucky with being able to write stuff even when I can't speak it out loud very often.

It is hard understanding all my negative stuff because sometimes people suggest that I'm wrong or insane, so thanks for being open-minded xx

Hi Darkshine

It sounds like you have some degree of depression which maybe for many reasons. We don't know about your circumstances but I am sure I read that you were diagnosed this year. There will be a period of accepting and coming to terms, where you are bound to be full of questions and thoughts. In a perfect world some form of CBT would be useful, have you tried this? I know it is not always easy to get on surgery budgets etc, if you are feeling like this go to the GP and don't be fobbed of change if you have to.

Hi coolbreeze, I have felt this way for a long time, it started when I was 14 and escalated badly to a worser degree than I have described here by 16/17. I have enquired about CBT and am waiting to hear back, I am hoping that I will be seen by someone and that I can attempt to overcome some of these feelings.

When I joined the forum I read your post about wanting to post a post. From my understanding you were anxious whether anyone would reply. Well I thought this the other day how active and participating on the forum you are now. You have come across confident, expressed your opinions but been very understanding and diplomatic of how others will regard your posts. Put in some great humour and I for one am not seeing a "worthless person".

xx

Well said, Coolbreeze. I agree.

Shall I tell you a secret? I am still anxious that nobody will reply to me, I think I'm a nuisance, annoying, stupid, I say the wrong things and don't explain very well. I like being able to reply to people though, and I hope that people can find their way to better things by looking at my experience, and I hope that some of them feel less alone knowing that someone out there feels the same way.

I try to understand people and see what they are saying and what they are feeling - but I would never describe myself in the way you have at all, I just, I don't know, I just hope that people don't hate me, I guess its the best thing about a forum is that nobody knows me, so I can show a bit more of me than people would usually see, it gives me the chance to dare to try. But I am not confident.

And the biggest secret? Many days I am frightened to log in to this forum, I open the web-page and I am so scared of putting in my password because I am scared that I will be thrown off or something, I din't know, it's irrational, but it's how I feel. I only logged in today just now for that very reason (especially cuz I dared to post this post).

I think that it's useful to feel insignificant sometimes, because everyone is !

We live on the surface of a small planet, that orbits a very ordinary star. If you look on spacecraft shots from Mars orbit, we are just a pale blue dot.

There are 100 billion stars in our galaxy. And 100 billion galaxies . . . .

If you feel down, go on the internet and look up the NASA site on "Mars Global Surveyor". See another world in detail. The universe is a very big place.

Hello - insignificant about sums it up :lol: I might just have a look at the NASA thing - so thank you for that

............................................................................

I'm still not sure how much of this is depression, mental health or AS though.....

Mumble · July 17, 2011

I have mentioned this to the MH team that I see, and I have mentioned it more times than I can remember

Darkshine - no need for you to respond to this, more one for you to think about and I could be well off the mark and so it doesn't apply anyway - when you say you've 'mentioned' this to your MH team (I'm assuming CAMHS?) I wonder what you actually mean by mention? If you have told them explicitly that you don't want to be alive and are at risk to yourself they would have had to implement some action. I wonder if, as I have done in the past, you have skirted round the issues and not actually explicitly explained the issue. If you need help, you have to cut the ###### and admit it.

darkshine · July 17, 2011

Darkshine - no need for you to respond to this, more one for you to think about and I could be well off the mark and so it doesn't apply anyway - when you say you've 'mentioned' this to your MH team (I'm assuming CAMHS?) I wonder what you actually mean by mention? If you have told them explicitly that you don't want to be alive and are at risk to yourself they would have had to implement some action. I wonder if, as I have done in the past, you have skirted round the issues and not actually explicitly explained the issue. If you need help, you have to cut the ###### and admit it.

Only replying in order to clarify ok? I see adult MH services. I have told them explicitly and clearly. I have told them in single sentences that I do not want to be alive, that I wish I were dead, that I shouldn't have been born etc and I have also told them in written ways that are similar to my OP here.

Here's the problem... I am not at risk to myself or anyone else.

I promised someone important to me that I wouldn't ever go down that road and I never ever break a promise unless I'm forced to - even when I am at my worst I keep that promise - even when it feels like there is no way out - I keep that promise. I am incapable of breaking that promise. I barely ever promise anything for that very reason. I wish I hadn't made that promise but I did and I will not break it.

That is the gist of what I have told the MH team (care-coordinators, psychiatrists, psychologists) its only the gist because I cannot divulge everything as it may cause offence to people.

So anyway, that is why I am discussing this issue, because it seems that I have to solve this myself and maybe by understanding it I can begin to do that.

Thanks

Darkshine

Just adding this bit because I read the above and I'm not sure but it may sound a little (short? is that the word?) I am not meaning it to sound this way but when I cut the ** this is how I sound - which is very frustrating but anyway - just wanted to say that I am not being er (I can't think of a word that isn't mild swearing) arsy?

Edited July 17, 2011 by darkshine

philtfa · July 17, 2011

No, AS is not what causes you to feel this way, because I have AS and do not feel this way.

But AS may be a contributing factor. AS is not typical, we are all different.

I have had similar feelings to those you describe. All I can say is that the feelings pass and I survive. This I have learnt. It is an interesting question...how much does AS affect me? Who is in control, me or AS? Maybe sometimes it's me and maybe sometimes it isn't. It probably doesn't really matter.

Trying to make sense of everything and trying to survive is so exhausting and not much fun. For me, I have a son who I want to be around for. Otherwise, who knows?

But anyway, I value your posts.

baddad · July 17, 2011

No, this is not AS. Some people who have AS would feel this way, but it would be equally true to say that some people who do not have AS would also feel this way. AS does not rule out other problems, you just have AS and the other problems. A person with down's syndrome and wind does not fart because they have down's syndrome, they have wind. Neither would it be 'atypical down's syndrome'; they have wind. The fact that other people with down's syndrome fart does not mean down's syndrome is a contributing factor to farts; they have wind.

L&P

BD

philipo · July 18, 2011

But AS may be a contributing factor. AS is not typical, we are all different.

I have had similar feelings to those you describe. All I can say is that the feelings pass and I survive. This I have learnt. It is an interesting question...how much does AS affect me? Who is in control, me or AS? Maybe sometimes it's me and maybe sometimes it isn't. It probably doesn't really matter.

Trying to make sense of everything and trying to survive is so exhausting and not much fun. For me, I have a son who I want to be around for. Otherwise, who knows?

But anyway, I value your posts.

And so do I .

we cant see what others see in us.Just trust the feedback from other posters we all have a lot of respect for you.Just beleive yourself that your on it and unravelling it all the time.And you'll get happier and happier as life move on.you've given lots of people help on this forum and be proud and take on board that your contributions are positive and have helped alot of people.You don't just exist in your head you know.you exist outside in other peoples because your alive and real and important.And you've got understanding and guts.

I'd rather read your posts than talk to a mental health worker anyday.

littleplum · July 18, 2011

I live in a planet that makes no sense at all with people that make no sense at all and I wonder over and over why I got dropped here as some freak, some accident that should have never occurred and I cry by myself when no one can see cuz its horrid being trapped in this world, being trapped in this life I didn’t want, didn’t ask for, do not want and would not request.

So is this cuz of AS? Me? My life experience? or 'you' (you being humanity)?

I joined this forum only a few days ago. In fact, this is my first post. Of all the threads I have been reading through, your post struck me the most forcibly.

I am not an expert on AS. But it is the only thing I have ever come across to explain how I have always felt, how I have been treated, and how I have treated others. So, insofar as any layperson with the condition can judge, I do believe that AS is at the root of your feelings of alienation and despair.

I am in my fifties and for much of my adult life, I was suicidal. I felt utterly useless and I would dream of methods to dispose of myself. However, I am lucky to have a family that loves me, especially a long-suffering wife who has patiently put up with my 'idiosyncrasies' for decades. So I resolved to forget about suicide and concentrate on living. The negative feelings about myself have not gone away however, and there are times when I long for death. But I would never contemplate actually killing myself. It would not be fair to my family.

I have often felt that when they were handing out the rule-book for human living, somehow I was overlooked. Instead I had to infer how 'to be' through observation and reading, mainly reading, because people don't like being stared at. This led to a very stilted persona which seems to turn people off. :robot: No matter how hard I have tried in social situations, I never managed to form a lasting friendship with anyone. I remain puzzled as to exactly where I have gone wrong in my dealings with people over the years. I am usually polite. I listen carefully. Perhaps, if the topic of conversation is particularly interesting, I may become a little intense. :bounce: But I have never reached the stage of foaming at the mouth, so why people don't reply to my e-mails or cancel appointments, I don't really know. Perhaps the answer is in that rule-book I never managed to acquire.

I think it was Camus who wrote that 'Hell is other people.' Maybe he was AS too - he defintely got it right though. While I would like acceptance from other people and even friendship, the trauma of social interaction is not worth it. I find the world to be absurd and most of the people I encounter don't seem to recognise how ridiculous life really is. We are led by mad men who are focused on economic and military hegemony over their rival. The elite grab as much as they can while millions lack the basics. Women, who are much more sensible than men (I am a man), are largely content to let men destroy the planet with their greed and testosterone-fuelled mania. So, the world is a horrible place and I can easily identify with what you write.

But what is the answer? It is all very well having these insights into the nature of reality, but it does not alter the reality. Imagine if you were incarcerated in a squalid prison, but for some reason you were the only prisoner who recognised how awful it was. The other prisoners seemed oblivious to the conditions - some even seemed to enjoy them. That is how I feel a lot of the time. How does one cope? I suppose each person has his or her own ways of getting through life. There are the obvious options of drink and drugs, but they are not for me, not least because of the lack of control they induce. :drunk: I am interested in the arts and I find consolation and not a little sanity in the inanimate world of paintings and music. Most of all, though, I get my strength to carry on from God. Not the traditional God of orthodox Christianity, but the God who made me as I am and who therefore understands what it is like to be me. As to why I was made this way, well that's a whole other ball game and I don't want to use this forum for preaching my opinions.

So, Darkshine, I liked what you wrote. I am sorry that being AS is getting you so down. But I genuinely believe that the condition is not all negative. As Oscar Wilde wrote, 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.' I think people with AS can see the stars better than most, and that for me is a reason to hope.

It may or may not help you, but I found this article by an AS sufferer quite consoling:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/08/20/070820fa_fact_page

Best wishes.

bid · July 18, 2011

Briefly, as I have a lot on my plate at the mo...

I know it's 'old school' and probably considered old-fashioned these days, but from my experience actually doing something for other people is extremely beneficial and stops the obsessive focus on oneself which in my opinion is ultimately very unhealthy.

I know no-one will want to hear this, but there are people out there who have far, far worse difficulties to contend with.

There are plenty of voluntary things out there. Why not look at volunteering to help those who are severely affected by ASD??

Bid

AdamJ · July 18, 2011

Darkshine, I think I've said before that I share most of your feelings and thoughts. It seems clear that you're suffering from severe depression, just as I am. While it's true that it isn't your AS directly causing you these thoughts and feelings, it is equally true that people with AS are particularly prone to depression and other secondary problems.

Personally, I don't take much comfort being reminded that I'm an insignificant speck in an infinite universe. If anything, it only makes me question the meaning of life, both mine and generally. I need sometimes to remind myself that this is the most futile question of all, since nobody can answer it although, as an atheist, I suspect there is no meaning and that my life is nothing more than a random biological event.

Humankind depresses me generally. Just look at every other animal on the planet and then consider how unnatural and perverse our modern way of life is in comparison. It's no wonder to me that so many people struggle with modern life even when nothing is ostensibly wrong. Humankind is too clever for its own good; I wish I had lived at a time when it wasn't so clever. I'm reminded of what Agent Smith said to Morpheus in The Matrix:

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realised that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply, and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. And the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague…”

Blimey, no wonder I'm depressed. Time for me to pop some antidepressants. At least then I'll feel better chemically.

smiley1590 · July 18, 2011

darkshine,

i been the dark place you have been feeling useless worthless empty despair frustration lost like you don't belong fit in anywhere ... so can personally relate i never feel 'equal' 'balanced' successful i'm always compare to others lives drive myself mad crazy as feel like same as you i'm no-one nothing .... feel trapped with no where to go and no one turn to who truly gets you understands how you feel well you not alone i do! i feel like this to some degree level every day and think what's the point why am i going this what for? nothing makes real clear sense all confusion such mess in your head everything get mixed up foggy and thoughts drag you down to ground and i do agree with what the others have posted on here about the depression part can mist your judgements /thoughts on your life and can make it uncomfortable awakard way to live on top added to A.S and can be hard struggle to get right. depression with A.S can cloud complicate even further and make life twice as tricky to fight the battle/fight/struggle and not let depression win is so hard /difficult ....

have you tried anti-depressants before? see if this helps lift your mood any maybe? i found exercise has really helped me in some hard hard times i been going through in my head and life and makes me get that 'high' happy buzzing feeling gets endorphins going ( happy chemical hormones that sometimes low decreased level in present depressive state of mind i swear by exercise i know why docs prescribe exercise instead of meds sometimes as certainly helped me out it don't always work for everyone like therapy or meds but worth a go a try see how it goes anyways just an idea?!

XKLX

bid · July 18, 2011

As I say, the obsessive focus on oneself in my opinion is ultimately very unhealthy.

Bid :wacko:

darkshine · July 18, 2011

But AS may be a contributing factor. AS is not typical, we are all different.

I have had similar feelings to those you describe. All I can say is that the feelings pass and I survive. This I have learnt. It is an interesting question...how much does AS affect me? Who is in control, me or AS? Maybe sometimes it's me and maybe sometimes it isn't. It probably doesn't really matter.

Trying to make sense of everything and trying to survive is so exhausting and not much fun. For me, I have a son who I want to be around for. Otherwise, who knows?

But anyway, I value your posts.

Thanks philtfa, your thoughts further explain what I was trying to say :thumbs: and I appreciate your comments. There are a lot of questions that crop up round this kind of thing and I am intrigued to further explore the reasons behind my experiences (and other's too for that matter). thanks again

And so do I .

we cant see what others see in us.Just trust the feedback from other posters we all have a lot of respect for you.Just beleive yourself that your on it and unravelling it all the time.And you'll get happier and happier as life move on.you've given lots of people help on this forum and be proud and take on board that your contributions are positive and have helped alot of people.You don't just exist in your head you know.you exist outside in other peoples because your alive and real and important.And you've got understanding and guts.

I'd rather read your posts than talk to a mental health worker anyday.

I definitely don't see in me, what other's claim to see in me sometimes, it makes me wonder if we are talking about the same person. Self belief is one of my poorer areas, but I do have determination and that generally gets me through. Best, Darkshine x

I joined this forum only a few days ago. In fact, this is my first post. Of all the threads I have been reading through, your post struck me the most forcibly.

I am not an expert on AS. But it is the only thing I have ever come across to explain how I have always felt, how I have been treated, and how I have treated others. So, insofar as any layperson with the condition can judge, I do believe that AS is at the root of your feelings of alienation and despair.

I am in my fifties and for much of my adult life, I was suicidal. I felt utterly useless and I would dream of methods to dispose of myself. However, I am lucky to have a family that loves me, especially a long-suffering wife who has patiently put up with my 'idiosyncrasies' for decades. So I resolved to forget about suicide and concentrate on living. The negative feelings about myself have not gone away however, and there are times when I long for death. But I would never contemplate actually killing myself. It would not be fair to my family.

I have often felt that when they were handing out the rule-book for human living, somehow I was overlooked. Instead I had to infer how 'to be' through observation and reading, mainly reading, because people don't like being stared at. This led to a very stilted persona which seems to turn people off. No matter how hard I have tried in social situations, I never managed to form a lasting friendship with anyone. I remain puzzled as to exactly where I have gone wrong in my dealings with people over the years. I am usually polite. I listen carefully. Perhaps, if the topic of conversation is particularly interesting, I may become a little intense. But I have never reached the stage of foaming at the mouth, so why people don't reply to my e-mails or cancel appointments, I don't really know. Perhaps the answer is in that rule-book I never managed to acquire.

I think it was Camus who wrote that 'Hell is other people.' Maybe he was AS too - he defintely got it right though. While I would like acceptance from other people and even friendship, the trauma of social interaction is not worth it. I find the world to be absurd and most of the people I encounter don't seem to recognise how ridiculous life really is. We are led by mad men who are focused on economic and military hegemony over their rival. The elite grab as much as they can while millions lack the basics. Women, who are much more sensible than men (I am a man), are largely content to let men destroy the planet with their greed and testosterone-fuelled mania. So, the world is a horrible place and I can easily identify with what you write.

But what is the answer? It is all very well having these insights into the nature of reality, but it does not alter the reality. Imagine if you were incarcerated in a squalid prison, but for some reason you were the only prisoner who recognised how awful it was. The other prisoners seemed oblivious to the conditions - some even seemed to enjoy them. That is how I feel a lot of the time. How does one cope? I suppose each person has his or her own ways of getting through life. There are the obvious options of drink and drugs, but they are not for me, not least because of the lack of control they induce. I am interested in the arts and I find consolation and not a little sanity in the inanimate world of paintings and music. Most of all, though, I get my strength to carry on from God. Not the traditional God of orthodox Christianity, but the God who made me as I am and who therefore understands what it is like to be me. As to why I was made this way, well that's a whole other ball game and I don't want to use this forum for preaching my opinions.

So, Darkshine, I liked what you wrote. I am sorry that being AS is getting you so down. But I genuinely believe that the condition is not all negative. As Oscar Wilde wrote, 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.' I think people with AS can see the stars better than most, and that for me is a reason to hope.

It may or may not help you, but I found this article by an AS sufferer quite consoling:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/08/20/070820fa_fact_page

Best wishes.

Hello littleplum - interesting name by the way

Thank you for your thoughts, I read the article (it took a while) and I can see why people might find it consoling as so much of what is described can be related to in many ways to a lot of my experiences and probably other people's too.

I've always liked that Oscar Wilde quote

Briefly, as I have a lot on my plate at the mo...

I know it's 'old school' and probably considered old-fashioned these days, but from my experience actually doing something for other people is extremely beneficial and stops the obsessive focus on oneself which in my opinion is ultimately very unhealthy.

I know no-one will want to hear this, but there are people out there who have far, far worse difficulties to contend with.

There are plenty of voluntary things out there. Why not look at volunteering to help those who are severely affected by ASD??

Bid

Old school is fine Bid - and voluntary work is a very good thing for people to do - I have looked into this myself but am still massively struggling to go out so it's a little further down the line than I'd like, I have done volunteering in the past (mainly with groups/charity organisations - rather than with actual people who suffer) and always wanted to continue doing more of it as I found it to be a good thing.

I am definitely aware that there are many people out there who are far worse off than me and have had harder lives and struggles - but I don't mind you pointing it out cuz it does no harm to hear it - to be honest with you it is exactly why I am reluctant to go into details of my problems because I hate sounding selfish or self-obsessed and I also remember that there are far more worse off than me. I find it very difficult balancing this with my urge to learn, to get better, to improve myself and to actually achieve something in life. This balance is very hard. But sometimes I say to myself that I have to throw ideas out there, be honest, ask questions and so on cuz otherwise I aint ever gonna get nowhere in life.

I wonder if my focus of myself is obsessive - I definitely over analyse - and yes to be honest actually I think maybe it is obsessive - but the OP here was just a momentary glimpse in the night of a part of me that I do not readily share or expose too often, and I find it scary sometimes, the night I wrote that I was terrified, and I took a huge risk doing it. I do not want to be self-centred and I will have to apologise in advance if that is how I seem - but many people have told me to "pull my finger out" and unless I work out how to solve my problems I'm not going to get anywhere, and I don't know how to solve my problems without talking about them....

Best

Darkshine

darkshine · July 18, 2011

Darkshine, I think I've said before that I share most of your feelings and thoughts. It seems clear that you're suffering from severe depression, just as I am. While it's true that it isn't your AS directly causing you these thoughts and feelings, it is equally true that people with AS are particularly prone to depression and other secondary problems.

Personally, I don't take much comfort being reminded that I'm an insignificant speck in an infinite universe. If anything, it only makes me question the meaning of life, both mine and generally. I need sometimes to remind myself that this is the most futile question of all, since nobody can answer it although, as an atheist, I suspect there is no meaning and that my life is nothing more than a random biological event.

Hey Adam - Your right - I don't take much comfort in being reminded of it all either. For me, this post was about AS, depression, how the world and people "make" me feel, and how I feel. Most of the time I can ignore and bury these feelings, but sometimes I can't, and I was interested in how people would perceive my OP on this.

Pretty mixed reactions so far I think

Humankind depresses me generally. Just look at every other animal on the planet and then consider how unnatural and perverse our modern way of life is in comparison. It's no wonder to me that so many people struggle with modern life even when nothing is ostensibly wrong. Humankind is too clever for its own good; I wish I had lived at a time when it wasn't so clever. I'm reminded of what Agent Smith said to Morpheus in The Matrix:

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realised that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply, and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. And the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague…”

Blimey, no wonder I'm depressed. Time for me to pop some antidepressants. At least then I'll feel better chemically.

Matrix fan :thumbs: there's some brilliant lines in that - and the one you quote was always one that stuck in my mind too - and that a part of me totally agrees with...

Popping pills eh? :lol: last resort city for chemical balance hehe better go swallow mine :lol:

Even if it isn't humour, I like how your sense of humour comes across, I find what you say refreshing to read cuz its bleak, honest, funny and insightful and you make me think

Regards

Darkshine

darkshine,

i been the dark place you have been feeling useless worthless empty despair frustration lost like you don't belong fit in anywhere ... so can personally relate i never feel 'equal' 'balanced' successful i'm always compare to others lives drive myself mad crazy as feel like same as you i'm no-one nothing .... feel trapped with no where to go and no one turn to who truly gets you understands how you feel well you not alone i do! i feel like this to some degree level every day and think what's the point why am i going this what for? nothing makes real clear sense all confusion such mess in your head everything get mixed up foggy and thoughts drag you down to ground and i do agree with what the others have posted on here about the depression part can mist your judgements /thoughts on your life and can make it uncomfortable awakard way to live on top added to A.S and can be hard struggle to get right. depression with A.S can cloud complicate even further and make life twice as tricky to fight the battle/fight/struggle and not let depression win is so hard /difficult ....

have you tried anti-depressants before? see if this helps lift your mood any maybe? i found exercise has really helped me in some hard hard times i been going through in my head and life and makes me get that 'high' happy buzzing feeling gets endorphins going ( happy chemical hormones that sometimes low decreased level in present depressive state of mind i swear by exercise i know why docs prescribe exercise instead of meds sometimes as certainly helped me out it don't always work for everyone like therapy or meds but worth a go a try see how it goes anyways just an idea?!

XKLX

Hi smiley, yeah I'm on the meds, believe it or not I am worse without them :rolleyes: I turn into an absolute psycho - OR - at least that's what I used to think... I am now not sure how much of it is related to AS... I know I have depression and I can see the causes of it quite clearly, I can see the effects of it, what happens etc, but AS? no. I don't know yet.

On this forum everyone says slightly different things so I actually don't have a proper idea of how AS fits into the puzzle yet, I can see pieces that explain things, and reasons why things may have happened, but these are not as clear to me as for other issues I have (such as depression).

I really feel like I need to understand in order to move on in life.

I am thinking of investing in an exercise bike - as I think exercise does indeed have positive effects on depression

Darkshine

philtfa · July 18, 2011

No, this is not AS. Some people who have AS would feel this way, but it would be equally true to say that some people who do not have AS would also feel this way. AS does not rule out other problems, you just have AS and the other problems. A person with down's syndrome and wind does not fart because they have down's syndrome, they have wind. Neither would it be 'atypical down's syndrome'; they have wind. The fact that other people with down's syndrome fart does not mean down's syndrome is a contributing factor to farts; they have wind.

L&P

BD

I think I said that! But without the long (winded) analogy.

Little Plum said:

I think it was Camus who wrote that 'Hell is other people.' Maybe he was AS too - he defintely got it right though.

Actually it was Sartre and I'm pretty sure he wasn't AS. Doesn't matter though, great quote. Actually Camus wrote the Outsider which is a cracking read for an Aspie!

darkshine · July 18, 2011

No, this is not AS. Some people who have AS would feel this way, but it would be equally true to say that some people who do not have AS would also feel this way. AS does not rule out other problems, you just have AS and the other problems. A person with down's syndrome and wind does not fart because they have down's syndrome, they have wind. Neither would it be 'atypical down's syndrome'; they have wind. The fact that other people with down's syndrome fart does not mean down's syndrome is a contributing factor to farts; they have wind.

L&P

BD

I think I said that! But without the long (winded) analogy.

Hey again philtfa - I did notice, and I didn't not reply to BD for any other reason than this:

I didn't know what to say in reply, possibly because of the analogy, possibly because I just can't find the words to express what I think etc. It didn't feel appropriate to say thanks cuz I'm not at all sure whether his answer was intended to be useful, or taking the pee, and although I believe I understand the metaphor/analogy, I don't know how to respond to it cuz I think its an uneven one, as in not similar in circumstances of topic discussed, and being a little reductionist as well...

Having said that, I appreciate every opinion that is given to me, and on this topic I find all of your answers useful because I am trying to view these thoughts/feelings/opinions I have in some sort of objective context, which is difficult to do when its yourself sometimes. Another reason I welcome opinion is because other's opinions may help me to review things and challenge things so that I don't just carry on in life believing everything I do.

In honesty, I still haven't made up my mind. I'm not thinking that it is AS's fault, and I'm not thinking that its all depression, it doesn't really feel natural (in that most people I've met deny having these thoughts/feelings), so I'm still puzzling it out, I do wonder if AS is a factor rather than a cause, but I have not developed my thoughts on this at present..

Best

Darkshine

baddad · July 19, 2011

No -

I wasn't taking the pee or being 'reductionist' I was trying to simplify with a very straighforward analogy because my past experience of responding to your posts has suggested black and white simplifications would be less problematic for you. Obviously not, because instead of looking for the 'hidden' meaning in a more complex reply you look for the hidden agenda in a black and white one.