19 yr old won't work, will he ever leave home?

[jac on the edge]

Hi

My son is 19. He left school on the very last day possible and started work the following Monday. He hated it and would often not even bother going in, though he would leave the house just before my return from work and come in at the expected time. His employer has an Autistic daughter a little older than my son and though he was fantastically understanding and patient he had to let my son go after 10 months. Since then my son has spent most of his time in his room, sleeping all day, awake all night, interacting minimally with the rest of the family. He thinks applying for 1 job every couple of months is making an effort, but though he has had a few interviews he's so far not been offered any work.

 

We've tried removing his laptop and TV to try to get him to go to bed and get up at the right ends of the day- with no luck. We've tried phonig from our work to wake him, still no luck. We've even given up (for our own sanity) in the vain hope that he'd just figure it out himself. Unfortunately, I'm now beginning to feel like a complete failure as a mother as I've run out of ideas for how to motivate him to begin living a life (it feels as though he just exists in a bubble). Is he always going to be like this, will he come out the other end at some point? Why am I starting to believe that my 12 year old daughter will be leaving home before him?

 

Has anyone any advice, I am pretty desperate,

 

Jac

[smiley1590]

is it anxiety/depression related the lack of mot ,sleeping all day employment 'the world of work' is BIG JUMP /step from the life and routine of school/education maybe he gone into retreat as he in panic/scared mode and doesn't know how to cope or ask for help so he express in running in opposite direction as he can't faced overwhelming responsibility has frightened him

 

have you tried contact the NAS for support or advice on your son's situation? also have you approached his employer about meeting up with him and both expressing your concerns and also make a action plan to make it easier for your son to meet expectations sounds like he struggling to manage with work life such as new environment ,new colleagues and high possibilty scared him into a corner and now he doesn't know what to do how to help himself out of it.

 

he has gone quick from going from school to work and he probably feels lost confused etc is there no way your son can do odd days then work on building it up to more once he comfortable and settled maybe he needs step away and do little steps at time better than nothing so doing couple days a week work his way up if he feel ready?

 

i know i struggled to get my head around the gap between education world and work world is totally different in every way ... so he probably trying find his feet and trying to understand concepts of the way of work compared to what his routine responsibility at school ... sounds like he freaked out completely and thrown into turmoil and make sense of everything all changes he having to make sense of.

 

sounds like trying to 'shut employment' out of his world so he doesn't have to face up to it or adjust accept that he an adult and responsibility comes with that. hard enough for anyone but someone with A.S twice as hard!

 

XKLX

[jac on the edge]

is it anxiety/depression related the lack of mot ,sleeping all day employment 'the world of work' is BIG JUMP /step from the life and routine of school/education maybe he gone into retreat as he in panic/scared mode and doesn't know how to cope or ask for help so he express in running in opposite direction as he can't faced overwhelming responsibility has frightened him

 

have you tried contact the NAS for support or advice on your son's situation? also have you approached his employer about meeting up with him and both expressing your concerns and also make a action plan to make it easier for your son to meet expectations sounds like he struggling to manage with work life such as new environment ,new colleagues and high possibilty scared him into a corner and now he doesn't know what to do how to help himself out of it.

 

he has gone quick from going from school to work and he probably feels lost confused etc is there no way your son can do odd days then work on building it up to more once he comfortable and settled maybe he needs step away and do little steps at time better than nothing so doing couple days a week work his way up if he feel ready?

 

i know i struggled to get my head around the gap between education world and work world is totally different in every way ... so he probably trying find his feet and trying to understand concepts of the way of work compared to what his routine responsibility at school ... sounds like he freaked out completely and thrown into turmoil and make sense of everything all changes he having to make sense of.

 

sounds like trying to 'shut employment' out of his world so he doesn't have to face up to it or adjust accept that he an adult and responsibility comes with that. hard enough for anyone but someone with A.S twice as hard!

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

is what i wrote any help or make any sense of your son's situation of what could be going on or how he could be feeling?

[jac on the edge]

Sorry, I don't think I made it very clear- my son's job ended after 10 months, that was 15 months ago. Sorry for the confusion. However, it makes sense that he is putting off becoming an adult and facing the repsonsibilities that this brings. He thinks it's all gloom and doom in real life- it's not hard to see why. How am I going to convince him otherwise?

[baddad]

Hi Jac -

when you say you've tried removing his TV and laptop, do you mean you've actually taken / hidden them or does he now have them back again despite not responding to the attempted sanctions? I think as far as that bit goes you've got a battle of wills on your hand, and it's got to be a complete 'no access whatsoever' for as long as it takes.

 

From the way you've described it the rest of the household works (exception being your daughter who's presumably at school other than in holiday time), which is the biggest fly in the 'tackling it' ointment, because presumably once everyone's left for work your son will still have access to whatever other entertainment the house has to offer outside of that usually kept in his room(?) and possibly just relocates the stuff that was in his room and puts it back again(?)

 

You could try making like a '50s seaside landlady and turfing him out of the house in the morning and he can't return until the rest of the family get home, but it's not an ideal solution. But in practical terms, unless you are prepared to do that or tackle it in some other equally 'tough love' way he's going to be able to play this game for as long as he likes. Much will also depend on how he reacts when you do impose sanctions and your / your partner's (?) ability to deal with that...

 

TBH I don't have any further suggestions for how to deal with a full grown man who's not having any of it, if you're not prepared (if necessary) to go the whole hog and 'evict' him by whatever means makes that possible. Anything less than that will, without his cooperation, be meaningless. Not suggesting necessarily that you do evict him, but he's got to believe that it (or some other equally powerful sanction) is a real possibility.

 

I'd at the very least try to make sure if he's not working / looking for work that he has not got access to his bed, or the sofa, or a tv or any of the other comforts of home during the time that he should be looking for work / working. Acceptable alternatives to looking for work / working could be adult ed, voluntary work etc, but not what he's doing at the mo.

 

You say he 'left school on the very last day possible', but was he actually attending school or just not going to school as opposed to not going to work? Is he generally conscientious, or is this an established pattern of behaviour? That could be relevant, because if the situation has only arisen recently around work then there's more chance of getting some of those other suggestions (voluntary stuff etc) in place. If this is more the norm, then you're going to have a bigger battle to convince him you mean business.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[smiley1590]

any chance you could ring his old employer as he was so understanding due to his own situation and may work togther on action plan? get him work placement back where he used to work or he could volunteer? do you think there possibility he is depressed/anxious (combination of the two) which is common btw!

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

the doom and gloom of life - may be depression? may need looking into both anxiety and depression? i would go to his GP? i would also approach NAS too!

[KezT]

does he pay rent? Towards electricity & other bills? Do chores around the house? Or does he get a free doss house to do with as he likes all day? Cos, TBH, given everything on a plate, I wouldn't bother going to work either Obviously you have tried "encouraging" him to go to work by removing priviledges, but he's a grown man, and autism does not negate the necessity to treat him as such - he is obviously ABLE to work!

 

The DWP would expect him to be contributing to the household - so should you. Make him realise that he is grown up wheher he likes it or not, and has to accept the responsibilities of that. If he REALLY wants to live the unemployed lifestyle, he needs to understand what that means.

[Mumble]

does he pay rent? Towards electricity & other bills? Do chores around the house? Or does he get a free doss house to do with as he likes all day? Cos, TBH, given everything on a plate, I wouldn't bother going to work either Obviously you have tried "encouraging" him to go to work by removing priviledges, but he's a grown man, and autism does not negate the necessity to treat him as such - he is obviously ABLE to work!

 

The DWP would expect him to be contributing to the household - so should you. Make him realise that he is grown up wheher he likes it or not, and has to accept the responsibilities of that. If he REALLY wants to live the unemployed lifestyle, he needs to understand what that means.

:thumbs: Absolutely.

 

And don't go giving him / looking for excuses by interpreting how things 'must' be because he's Autistic such as:

the doom and gloom of life - may be depression? may need looking into both anxiety and depression?

He's shown he can work. If nothing's changed other than not having to work, then he needs to be working and contributing to the household. The more excuses you give him or take as reasons not to address this, the harder it will be to change.

[Tally]

He will need to claim benefits to cover his rent. If he is claiming benefits the job centre should be hassling him to apply for jobs and attend appointments to sign on. If he then claims he is too unwell to work, he will need to obtain evidence to claim disability benefits.

 

Unless internet access is included in his tenancy agreement, you are perfectly entitled to remove it from his bedroom. The only thing you are not allowed to cut off is water.

[Hughey]

When I was 19 I was begging for work.

[rannoch]

Perhaps he's not motivated to find work because the job he was doing does not match his interests or abilities; this is likely if he's said that he hated it. I've had many jobs, and left a few of them because I found the work environment to be too difficult or stressful. You haven't mentioned whether he has any qualifications from school, or what his skills and interests are. He's more likely to keep a job in the long term if he's interested in it and has an aptitude for it, and could turn it into a career.

 

He could also look into part-time jobs, college courses, apprenticeships and voluntary work as an alternative to full-time employment. College can also provide the structure and further training required for employment, if he's not quite ready for a full-time job. Vocational qualifications can also open up more opportunities for suitable work.

[jac on the edge]

Hi Jac -

when you say you've tried removing his TV and laptop, do you mean you've actually taken / hidden them or does he now have them back again despite not responding to the attempted sanctions? I think as far as that bit goes you've got a battle of wills on your hand, and it's got to be a complete 'no access whatsoever' for as long as it takes.

 

From the way you've described it the rest of the household works (exception being your daughter who's presumably at school other than in holiday time), which is the biggest fly in the 'tackling it' ointment, because presumably once everyone's left for work your son will still have access to whatever other entertainment the house has to offer outside of that usually kept in his room(?) and possibly just relocates the stuff that was in his room and puts it back again(?)

 

You could try making like a '50s seaside landlady and turfing him out of the house in the morning and he can't return until the rest of the family get home, but it's not an ideal solution. But in practical terms, unless you are prepared to do that or tackle it in some other equally 'tough love' way he's going to be able to play this game for as long as he likes. Much will also depend on how he reacts when you do impose sanctions and your / your partner's (?) ability to deal with that...

 

TBH I don't have any further suggestions for how to deal with a full grown man who's not having any of it, if you're not prepared (if necessary) to go the whole hog and 'evict' him by whatever means makes that possible. Anything less than that will, without his cooperation, be meaningless. Not suggesting necessarily that you do evict him, but he's got to believe that it (or some other equally powerful sanction) is a real possibility.

 

I'd at the very least try to make sure if he's not working / looking for work that he has not got access to his bed, or the sofa, or a tv or any of the other comforts of home during the time that he should be looking for work / working. Acceptable alternatives to looking for work / working could be adult ed, voluntary work etc, but not what he's doing at the mo.

 

You say he 'left school on the very last day possible', but was he actually attending school or just not going to school as opposed to not going to work? Is he generally conscientious, or is this an established pattern of behaviour? That could be relevant, because if the situation has only arisen recently around work then there's more chance of getting some of those other suggestions (voluntary stuff etc) in place. If this is more the norm, then you're going to have a bigger battle to convince him you mean business.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[jac on the edge]

I'm sorry, I'm not good at working this forum. My son left school with plenty of qualifications, surprising really as he never looked at a book. It would be impractical for me to remove access to all the home comforts, and anyway, he only gets up when I come in from work so he's not using them. He does pay board and extra for internet access. We've got the forms for council housing but he refused to consider the idea. I don't believe that he is capable of managing his affairs, he won't use the phone, reply to letters, etc. I love my son but I just don't know how to help him.

[smiley1590]

i would seriously think about contacting NAS and getting some support in place so he can learn build on the skills he struggles with find hard to face

 

XKLX

[Lyndalou]

Hi Jac

 

I'm not sure if a lot of what you are highlighting is exclusively autistic behaviour for a 19 year old. My brother's 19 year old stepson does exactly what you describe and he is not autistic. He stays up all night on the computer and only steps outside the door to litter the ground with cigarette butts. He has had people go out of their way to offer him jobs as 'favours' but he doesn't like them so he leaves. As he had to prove that he was looking for work when he was signing on, he stopped signing on and now lives free gratis with his mum who is not exasperated like you are.

 

I have and I'm sure many people have done plenty of jobs that they don't like. If that is he only thing that stops him working then, I'm sorry, I think that's no excuse. If there are other reasons, connected to his autism which mean that he is finding it difficult to look for work or communicate his anxietes with you then you need to find a way to discuss this him. However, at the moment, he is living under your roof and his attitude is upsetting you. IMO you need to address what I think is a fundamental lack of respect towards you and your home. You ask - 'Will he ever leave home?'. At this rate, no. You say he has a number of qualifications. What are they in? Can they aid him in getting a job? He has proved that he is capable of taking these exams and gaining the qualifications, albeit without looking at a book.

 

Did he think the job he had before was 'beneath him'? Sorry if that sounds blunt but a lot of kids today don't seem to realise that it can take a whole lot of slogging in the ranks before they achieve a good level of income or the position they feel they are suited to. If your concerns are that he has a lack of life skills then he is not going to learn them sitting in his room. It could mean getting out of his comfort zone, making mistakes and doing things that make him feel uncomfortable. If he is living at home you can assist him with his finances etc with the long-term view that he will be able (possibly still with assistance) have his own place, paying his own bills.

 

Good Luck

 

Lynda

[baddad]

Hi again Jac -

 

Hope this doesn't sound accusatory, but it does sound as though you're perhaps looking for justifications for letting things stay the same rather than actually resolving them. It may be that you just wanted some reassurance that others are/have been in the same boat, and given the nature of nineteen year olds that - as Lindalou's post about her (NT) step-nephew shows - will be forthcoming, but if you want to actually move forward you're going to have to push him; if not actually from the nest at least to a branch from which he can 'launch' himself.

 

As has been pointed out, he cannot develop the skills for independent living unless he is shown them, and from what you've described he will not develop them until you raise your expectations and actually force the issue. But my autistic son at thirteen can do things like washing up, use the washing machine, prepare simple meals etc, and is now at the point where he would rather make himself a sandwich/Beans on toast/omelette or whatever than wait for me to do it if the wait is going to be longer than he likes, and nothing you've described about your son suggests any reason why he shouldn't be capable of at least that level of independence. What seems very unlikey, even if he hasn't to date, is that your son doesn't have the potential to develop self care and management skills, unless he is far more profoundly autistic than your posts suggest, in which case you need to be looking into residential care if you do not want him to live at home.

 

If you've made up your mind to help your son live independently - for his sake and your own - then the next phase is to look at how that can hapopen and what would be appropriate. My guess would be that faced with two options - residential care and some sort of supported living - he would opt for the second and the additional freedom / autonomy it offered, and you'd find surprisingly quickly that he could clean his own room, write letters, answer phones, cook etc etc if motivated and expected to do so. But at the moment, he's getting all of the 'perks' of residential care with none of the drawbacks. In fact, he's getting more than that because in any decent residential care home part of the daily routines will include building self help skills, which at the moment he's getting a completely unwarranted 'get out of jail free card' for. He knows that, and that's the reason why he's 'refused to consider' the idea of independent living, which isn't actually his decision to make.

 

Be honest with yourself first and foremost: Is he incapable of looking after himself? Then residential care is a must at some point, unless you're planning on living forever or handing him on in your will to his 12 year old sister (who may well say, 'thanks but no thanks' - I know I would in her position).

 

More likely, if you're honest, he's not incapable but just disinclined, and will continue to be as long as he is enabled to be (enabled disablement).

 

Has he got a social worker, CAMHS case manager or anything? What do they think regarding his potential for independent living? It would be pointless looking for supported accommodation if they don't agree he needs ongoing support and is capable of managing himself without it, and pointless looking for funding for residential care if he was considered capable of living with part time support /input. You need to realistically look at what's appropriate and then look at the available options, but you won't achieve that by projecyting your fears as a parent onto him or making assumptions about what he is / isn't capable of achieving. Basically, you need to know, not guess.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[darkshine]

Hello

 

I just wondered how able your son is in terms of working, self-care, household tasks etc

 

Because I guess that makes a huge difference as to what you are dealing with and therefore the available actions you have to deal with the situation.

 

Darkshine

[oxgirl]

Hi jac on the edge, sorry, haven't had time to read all of the thread, but I can empathise with some of your situation. It's a difficult situation when they get to a certain age, but still haven't developed the skills to enable them to 'get out there' and find and make a life for themselves.

 

My lad will be 18 soon and it's very scary. He leaves his ASD college next summer and I'm so worried about what will happen. He doesn't have a clue what he wants to do nor does he have the motivation or confidence to discover what he wants. It's a catch 22 really, if they leave education and still haven't the social/independence skills to find, let alone hold down, a job, then the fear is that they will end up virtual prisoners in their home, constanting needing their carer to find activities for them and take them to them. Of course, the more time they spend at home on their own, the less able they are to develop the skills they need to get out into the world and it is a very worrying situation.

 

In some ways my lad is able, in that he is verbal and intelligent, which I fear means that he will not be eligible for any help when he leaves college. On the other hand, he lacks the social skills and independence skills and confidence to make something happen for himself, has never had a friend, so it falls to me to be his personal assistant, continually arranging things for him and delivering him to them because he just can't do it for himself at the moment. Now, things might change in five years or else he might just be five years older, it's very hard to say, but I do understand how worrying it is. It's so easy, when they're young, to believe that everything will be fine when they get to 18, but then suddenly they are 18 and nothing much has changed, they're just taller and hairier!

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

[jac on the edge]

Thanks Mel

 

My son is also intelligent but has never tried- homework, studying, etc. He's never put much effort into gaining things for himself to improve his life. I too foolishly thought that it was fantastic when he left school (all that additional pressure fell away. J went to a mainstream school and though he was diagnosed at the end of 2nd year, by 6th year there was still very little understanding of what having Asperger's meant)as I expected him to sort of click into being an adult.

 

I'm lucky, he does have friends and is in the routine of going out Friday nights with them. This group is ever dwindling as they move away to go to Uni or College, so he will have less and less opportunity to socialise. J doesn't see himself as being any different to anyone else around him and he is unaware of a lot of his difficulties. This means that any tactic involving 'disability' support is a non-starter.

 

He did decide to go to Glasgow to do a music course last year. He applied and then sat back even though we told him to phone the college. It turned out to be the only course of it's type in Scotland, and the only one he would be willing to give a go but with only 30 places it was clear competition would be great. J couldn't see this and spent the whole time expecting to get a place- he didn't. This is how it works with him, one thing at a time, no hedging bets, which makes everything very slow to progress.

 

He may be depressed (he says not, even though his favourite saying is 'stop the world I want to get off'). Oh dear!!!!!!!!

[trekster]

I'm sorry, I'm not good at working this forum. My son left school with plenty of qualifications, surprising really as he never looked at a book. It would be impractical for me to remove access to all the home comforts, and anyway, he only gets up when I come in from work so he's not using them. He does pay board and extra for internet access. We've got the forms for council housing but he refused to consider the idea. I don't believe that he is capable of managing his affairs, he won't use the phone, reply to letters, etc. I love my son but I just don't know how to help him.

 

Will he speak to a doctor?

 

Could he ask about psychometric testing at the job centre to find out what sort of work would help him succeed in life?

When I reached a cross roads after being unable to obtain A levels connexions helped me by doing these strange tests

which brought up some career ideas.

 

Would he reply to letters if he had some support to manage them? Knowing what to write in letters I find can be confusing.

I'm the same with the phone and prefer someone to be in the background when I'm making calls in case there's a problem.

 

There are a few books on finding work for autistics but also 2 books in particular that stand out. 'transitions or transformation'

and 'aspergers and adolescence'.

 

Good luck with trying to find help for your son. Would he consider an email pal that could guide him in life?