My son hates praise

[Viper]

Hi, Ben (pre dx nearly 5 yrs) hates it if we praise him. For example, he recently used a toilet in his friends house, something he has never done before and when our dd told us we naturally told Ben how wonderful he is and how pleased we were with him and he just shouted "shut up, I wish D had never told you" He wont do it now, he comes home for a wee.

 

What are we doing wrong? We have to ignore the good things he does, like yesterday he joined in with a group of children to sing (he hates singing) and we had to pretend we didn't see, so he wouldn't get upset.

 

Anyone else have this kind of reaction?

 

Viper.

[frances-mary]

Oh how familiar this sounds.

Both my children cannot accept praise (one with ADD the other Aspergers). If given, it nearly always has a counter productive reaction or they don't believe it is genuine

 

I may be wrong but I feel its linked to their expectations that other people are more likely to tell them off than praise them - they picked this up when very young. So they learnt to protect themselves by not expecting nice words......My theory falls down abit, as they won't accept praise from me either and I have always tried not to be negative with them.

 

I now try to be very understated a very quick "thats good" then on to something else almost like distraction theapy -so they are aware they were doing well but not given the normal reinforcment that I see other children recieving.

 

just being aware that praise can cause problem helps.

 

Mary

[pim]

ds is like this, almost 4. I sometimes praise what he's done by telling his sister not him. Sometimes he lets me when he's really pleased with whathe's done.

 

pim

[Suze]

My son hates praise especially if its done in front of others.If he,s been good I usually save it for a time when he,s quiet and relaxed .Often when I,m tucking him in bed and saying goodnight, I,ll just whisper it in his ear no eye contact Quick kiss and I go.

[Emum]

Like Pim I sometimes praise E by telling her brother what she has accomplished in her hearing. His most recent reaction was "She can't have done that because she has autism, you must have got it wrong". Not quite the positive reinforcement for her that I was hoping for! To be fair he is only 5 and he does make big allowances for her because he understands she is different.

 

Would a reward for an achievement be easier to accept than verbal praise?

[annie]

My 15 year old also hates praise.

 

He says that when people praise him it makes him feel like he is stupid and they are treating him like a baby. He always says it's condescending.

 

Annie

[ceecee]

I wonder if this is to do with people showing emotions.As a rule people with aspergers cannot cope when people show emotion especially if is directed to them.Just a thought.

[loulou]

Hi,

 

Kai (6 ADHD/ASD) hates praise most of the time too.

 

I agree with Mary that praise is not something they always expect . This is especially true for Kai, as he was always being told off at school. This has impacted on his self esteem.

 

If i tell him he's done something good, he either says "shut up" or "no, i'm stupid" .

 

I keep on praising him (although not over the top) and hold to the fact that OCCASIONALLY, he accepts praise and beams from ear to ear .

 

Loulou x

Edited July 8, 2005 by loulou

[annie]

Ceecee,

 

I would say that is true in my son's case - definately.

 

Annie

[Gordie]

Yep - I hate that when it comes from my mum ... but if it comes from anyone else, I like it. Try and explain that!!

 

Okay - so I might feel a little uncomfortable if someone (other than my mum) says nice things to my face, but who doesn't? I still like getting the praise ... except when it comes from Mum. It just irritates me then and I'm, like, "Leave it out!!".

 

That's partly why our relationship has always been so strained over the years - because I don't want to go out of my way to do things that will please her. I don't want the praise I'll get for doing it. I just feel like a "goody-goody" if I do what she wants me to do, or if I do something nice, especially if it was not expected by her. It's kind of ... embarrassing, somehow. It makes birthdays and Christmas time and Mother's Days pretty awkward, to say the least. If I do nothing for her then, I'm the bad guy and she's disappointed/upset with me, but if I do what would be the right thing, I feel so uncomfortable.

 

I'm always happy to leave present-giving and card-finding/writing to my brother where family is concerned, for exactly that reason.

 

It's a strange one, for sure.

 

Would a reward for an achievement be easier to accept than verbal praise?

Yeah - that might be a bit better, I guess ...

 

James

[lil_me]

My sons changable when it comes to praise, he is so negative about himself he doesn't even believe I love him most of the time

 

When I say he has done something really well, or tried very hard but its not perfect in his eyes it just makes him worse as he believes I can't see why its not right I think.

 

He hates being praised for going to the toilet, I think he may be embarrassed as the other kids do it anyway and he gets picked on at school for it.

 

But sometimes when he does get things perfectly right , even if its being nice to someone (doesn't happen often at the mo) he accepts it and does a cheeky grin, most smug.

 

To sum it up I suppose I am careful where I give him praise, I refrain from the 'you've tried your best' as he hates that completely instead I work with him to when its done and then praise for getting it right. He gets a lot of praise in social situations, and situations here he has been brave like this morning when we walked to school they always cut the grass at school time where we have to walk and eventually he did walk past them after screaming constantly.

[Gordie]

he doesn't even believe I love him most of the time

Yep - same with my mum too, even though she quite regularly insists she does.

 

James

[lil_me]

Please accept she means it , it does hurt when your children say they don't believe you love them Edited July 8, 2005 by lil_me

[Viper]

It's amazing this place, I thought it was just Ben who had this problem, thought he was a bit quirky and here you all are telling me it's common. Thank you all so much. It's hard to explain it to other people, like teachers, they think all children like praise and can't understand why Ben gets upset, I think they must think I am a horrid mother who never praises him so he can't handle it.

 

Viper.

[big mamma]

We have to be very matter of fact if giving praise to junior - any kind of excited emotion starts her howling. We're also not allowed to say 'Well Done' to her as for some reason she links that to being told off. When I told her it meant we were pleased with her she asked me to say 'That's Fine' instead !!

 

She now tells her 1-1 worker off for saying well done and insists she says that's fine instead.

 

It's all a bit strange but there you go

[bramblebrae]

Ditto here, my son really reacted badly to praise up unitl about a year ago (hes nearly 6) now he even looks for it a little but not over the top praise this will still set him off. The worst reaction has got to be when they tried to give him a sticker in assembly at school for being in the good news book he had had one previously at a small assembly but this was the big one with the whole school and he was up on stage and he hit the teacher who was trying to put the sticker on him, hes quite a tactile child and goes in too close to people so it wasnt a proximity thing. I think it just overwhelms him being given praise and he doesn't know what to do with his emotions. I remember here at home once we were doing a filming for the national autistic society's earlybird course I was lucky enough to go on and he'd done something really good and was pleased with himself too when he ran over to give me a hug and the second we made contact he started pushing me away and hiting me even though it was him who started the praise moment really (funny way to put it cant find the right words 'sy) he got too overwhelmed by it all.

I find as long as I keep my voice pretty even what i say dosen't seem to matter to much you know I can say wow that was really great S well done your such a clever boy as long as its not to flambouyant and said in an almost matter fo fact tone so to speak, though I dont think hes at the stage yet to realise if it was praise for something other kids would do easily at his age - I do think that will be a problem once he realises but well face that hurdle when it arrives

 

Lorraine

[TuX]

The same applies to me also,if people are persistant with it,i can lose control of myself and-

 

 

I doubt there is just one answer to this problem for all ASDers.

[Kathryn]

I don't know if people with AS respond to reward systems at school in the expected way - what do you think, James?

 

My daughter's school had a complicated system of credits - a certain number of credits for good work, behaviour etc got you a certificate in assembly. You were supposed to go to your form teacher every week to have the credits recorded in a book. She wasn't motivated by this at all, although she got the credits, she never got certificates as she couldn't be bothered to go to the form tutor. I think the system was just too complicated - just one more thing to get her head around at school. Pleasing the teacher has never been a great incentive for her, she is motivated when a subject is inherently interesting and finds it hard to work at something she sees as boring or irrelevant - no matter what the reward.

[Gordie]

bramblebrae:

but this was the big one with the whole school and he was up on stage

Yeah - I think this is what we really dislike, as Aspies. It's very intimidating, having to stand in front of possibly hundreds of children, especially if you're just being made to look like a "goody-goody", or a teacher's pet. It can make you the subject of bullying, as if just having Asperger's alone didn't make you enough of an easy target.

 

Kathryn:

I don't know if people with AS respond to reward systems at school in the expected way - what do you think, James?

 

My daughter's school had a complicated system of credits - a certain number of credits for good work, behaviour etc got you a certificate in assembly. You were supposed to go to your form teacher every week to have the credits recorded in a book. She wasn't motivated by this at all, although she got the credits, she never got certificates as she couldn't be bothered to go to the form tutor. I think the system was just too complicated - just one more thing to get her head around at school. Pleasing the teacher has never been a great incentive for her, she is motivated when a subject is inherently interesting and finds it hard to work at something she sees as boring or irrelevant - no matter what the reward.

Yep - I had that exact same system of credits at my secondary school as well, however I excelled when it came to this, regularly getting over 100 credits a year, getting me a special badge (I still have all of them!), and special recognition, including the attention of the headmaster, no less!!

 

So it worked great for me - I loved to get credits for my work - the more, the merrier!!

 

It was only having to go up on stage during assemblies, in front of all the kids, that I felt apprehensive about (see my comments above). Certificates were given out for 10, 30, 50, 70 and 100 credits, so it was a pretty regular thing really. At least I wasn't alone for the lower numbers, but it got a little more lonely as the numbers increased somewhat!

 

I did love to please my teachers too ... especially the female ones(!), and even more especially the female ones that I fancied!! I was a bit cheeky like that, I guess!! But hey, anything that works is a good thing, I suppose!

 

I can understand why it wouldn't work for all those with AS though.

 

James

[kazzdt]

Hi, I'm a bit late to this thread, but I just wanted to add something that might be useful. Sam tends to be a bit unpredictable in this area, sometimes he can take praise but not usually.

 

I have found that if I word it carefully I'll get a better response. If he's done something good I will say 'That really helped ME' or 'That has made ME feel so proud/happy' Just a small thing, but it seems to make the difference if I put the focus on me rather than him.

 

Take care

 

 

 

Kazz

[baileyj]

I think with Max (4 & half), if we do the whole "good big boy" thing, he doesn't like it, suddenly all this rush of smiles, loud voice, "big Boy" just overwhelmes him.

 

Its like he's a cat and we (me and Daddy) are dogs, what pleases a cat doesn't please a dog, and vice-versa. My sisters cat hates fuss and love, my dog loves it. But both is OK as long as it works.

 

So what we tend to say in a quiet normal voice with no tone changes "Max is a very good boy and Max had made Mommy have a happy face" (cus he's learning emotions with his TA right now). He seems to like that, and says "yes Mommy" with a big smile.

 

Cheers

 

Jo

[Mother in Need]

My daughter's school had a complicated system of credits - a certain number of credits for good work, behaviour etc got you a certificate in assembly. You were supposed to go to your form teacher every week to have the credits recorded in a book. She wasn't motivated by this at all, although she got the credits, she never got certificates as she couldn't be bothered to go to the form tutor. I think the system was just too complicated - just one more thing to get her head around at school. Pleasing the teacher has never been a great incentive for her, she is motivated when a subject is inherently interesting and finds it hard to work at something she sees as boring or irrelevant - no matter what the reward.

 

My AS son had a similar system of credits at school, and he was happy with that, as long as indeed he did not have to get up in assembly.

However, the school have just changed the system, they now receive blue notes that all go into a big box and then at the end of the week they pull a couple of notes out of the box and those kids receive items like stereos, MP3 payers etc (donated to the school by local businesses I guess). And now he suddenly HATES the rewards and is extremely critical of the whole process. 'You shouldn't receive rewards for something you should be doing anyway' he says, as you should do your best at school always anyway.

The whole class can be in absolute chaos or rioting or whatever, but my son will sit at his desk and do his work (though extremely upset about the noise and distractions!)

[Valiant_Skylark]

OK so I'm a grown-up, but one reason I'm wary of being praised is the pressure I feel to be able to replicate the acheivement. For a person who suffers a sense of fluctuating abliities from day to day, it can be quite a "burden" if the "praise" implies a sense of "future expectations".

 

This fluctuation in ability level is, I believe, quite common in dyspraxia for one. Anyone else react the same as me?

 

Having said that, I also need praise for soul-growth, just like anybody else, I suppose? Hubby often despairs of me, saying I never listen to anything he says that's good about me... and, in contrast, I positively soak up criticism like a sponge. I must be really hard to live with!!! Actually, I do take in the praise on one level - if I feel it is genuine - but the sense of "not ok" is never far away.

 

All I can suggest, from my own experience, is to keep praise totally genuine, as increasing confidence without increasing competence is heading for a fall anyway?

 

My boys seem to believe positive comments far more readily if they see them written down by somebody else - Then it MUST be true!!!

 

Good luck with this one - It's a toughie.

 

Valiant_Skylark xx

[sarahjane]

H has a problem with praise if he feels it is not deserved, and he has high standards! For example if you say thats good writing, even if it is good for him he knows it is worse than the rest of his class and will get quite upset that you have said something wrong. He will not accept rewards or praise for trying it has to be something he can see as good, for example he likes to be praised if he got all his sums right and no one else did.

 

He also has completely failed to be motivated by reward systems, certificates for hard work, pupil of the week etc, i think because he thinks someone else is more deserving as is futher ahead of him.

[ceecee]

I am just expanding on something valiant skylark was saying. People with as dont like it if people have expectations of him.I am presuming that is because they rarely live up to those expectations because of aspergers.Therefore if you praise them you are showing emotion which they hateand secondly you are expecting them to succeed again which they might not,Therefore you have expectations of them.

Edited December 3, 2005 by ceecee

[Colin_and_Shelagh]

This is all very interesting. I'm not sure if Patrick actually hates praise, but it doesn't seem to have any affect on him.

 

He got 100% is his KS2 Maths SATs and yet he didn't tell us! We only found out yesterday because all of year 6 had been told and other parents at the school mentioned it to us.

 

Colin

[barefoot wend]

My son thinks the school system of credits is pretty pathetic and does not see them as an incentive at all. Similarly, he does not see detentions as a disincentive either.

 

He seems to accept praise only for those things he is genuinely pleased with. Any other praise is seen as completely false, especially from me as, 'You would praise me anyway as you're my Mum'.

 

Barefoot