Aspergers and marriage

[robert7111a]

Calling all those who are married with one AS partner. Does the marriage work for you? How does the AS person cope with the marriage and conversely, how does the NT partner cope?

[LancsLad]

Robert I am not married but we have been together for over 25 years and have a son together so I guess thats pretty close.

 

I think the simple answer is as a relationship it works but for sure it can be hard at times and that works both ways. In a lot of ways our relationship is based on complementing each other and we are very different in so many ways. I know I can be very difficult to live with at times and I have put a lot of stress on my partner at various times in the relationship. I can not begin to start to imagine what she went through when I was admited to a secure psychiatric unit to find out within the week she was pregnant and then to have a miscarridge I suspect due to the amount of pressure. But she has stuck by me through thick and thin and I can only be for ever eternally gratefull. Life has thrown us a fair few challenges but together we have managed to cope so far.

 

What I will say is that though I bring a lot of issues into the relationship I do not feel guilty about them, rather that is just the way I am. I think this might be an issue for many with AS who might feel they are somehow the lesser person in the relationship. We have always seen it as an equal parnership and we bring very different things to the table. One thing I know I bring to the relationship is total commitment, honesty and faithfulness. My partner has seen so many of the relationships of her friends and work colleauges fragment and break up over the years whilst ours has remained strong. I can not imagine being with anyone else and she knows that and as such I suspect there is a great level of security in her life.

 

One thing I will say to fellow Aspies in relationships is that I have had to learn to compromise and allow her to have her own space. I am the type of individual who could opperate very comfortably in an insular relationship. My partner is not like that at all she is a very sociable individual and enjoys the company of others. Whilst she respects my position and does not really invite people around to the house, I respect her need to go out each week and have time with her friends, as they say any healthy relationship is about compromises. If I had to think of one thing I find hard to cope with is when she is out with her mates having a good time on a Friday or Saturday night. I have to trust her but I can never get to sleep untill she is back home.

 

The last point I want to make is sometimes we just simply do not get each other and this can be highly frustrating. In such times we know the best thing to do is simply accept I will never know exactly what it is like to live an NT life, and she will never know exactly what it is like to live an AS life. The best thing to do is therfore accept our limitations and agree to differ at the end of the day we always have something more important to focus on and that is our son. I would like to think that as a family our value is greater than the sum of our parts, though i strongly believe we all bring a lot of individual value into the mix.

 

Just a few thoughts to get things going, really nice idea for a post Robert beautifully framed in your question.

[robert7111a]

Thank you LancsLad for getting us started - and a very thought-provoking post.

 

My wife had her own issues when we first met but we had something in common (college course) and somehow we just clicked. Obviously back then, I had no idea about Aspergers. What I found interesting over the years was that she herself was not a social animal either and I just believed this was one of the reasons why we got on. Because she had serious issues back then, I tolerated them for the simple reason that I had lost two serious girlfriends (short-lived) and I certainly did not want to lose another. When I helped her overcome her issues, I don't know whether she felt she "owed" it to me but our relationship continued to blossom and of course, resulted in us getting married (and still going strong)

 

A member of her family has got married twice during our marriage reign and the second one is looking a bit dodgy. Many of her friends got married and are having serious difficulties but for some reason, ours has remained very strong. I suppose I do give affection (we still hug and kiss every day) but in many ways, we live our own lives under the same roof - i.e. we don't really do that much as a family (daughter too). She gives more to the family (despite working herself) and is the doting housewife/mother. I suspect the reason we don't do that much as a family is to do with my long working hours and my self-indulgence in my hobby. Like you LancsLad, she has stuck by me through thick and thin and I am eternally grateful. She miscarried twice during her time of her own issue but we are blessed with a beautiful daughter whom I don't suspect has AS but like me, has certain traits. My wife is very forgiving of people which makes her into the lovely person that she is.

 

We have never rowed, always been very tolerant of each other (especially as I have the worst issues) and I suppose from a husband with AS traits, this is quite a success story. But I still have a lot to learn and know that I don't always give her my attention as I should

 

Any other thoughts/suggestions/help gratefully welcome...

[SidiousUK]

I've never been married and long term relationship have usually broken down at about the 5 year mark.

Usually happens as I have been told I am predictable and a creature of habit with set routines.

Sound familiar anyone? Lol

[robert7111a]

.

Usually happens as I have been told I am predictable and a creature of habit with set routines.

 

But that can only be a good thing surely? I thought women liked a steady bloke because they were...erm...predictable (and reliable). My wife isn't that keen on spontaniaty and is pleased I have set routines. She knows exactly where she stands

[SidiousUK]

Suppose each female is different but I will use as an example my "Meal routine"

 

Monday - Fish Pie

Tuesday - Korma

Wednesday - Chicken & rice

Thursday - Pizza

..

..

Sunday - Roast with all the trimmings

 

Getting me out for a resturant meal was near impossible

[robert7111a]

Monday - Fish Pie

Tuesday - Korma

Wednesday - Chicken & rice

Thursday - Pizza

..

..

Sunday - Roast with all the trimmings

 

Getting me out for a resturant meal was near impossible

 

You haven't mentioned Friday or Saturday...

 

As for the resturant meal, if my wife was paying, I would jump at the chance!

[chris54]

Would you be doing the cooking?

I grow up in a house where you know what day it was by what was on the table.

My father, who we now think probable had AS, was very much one for routine, my mother was not far behind him. Even now she finds it hard to comprehend not having a roast dinner on a Sunday, served up at 1pm, no mater what.

 

Cup of coco at 10pm and in bed by 10-30.

 

Even now it feels wrong that I dont stick to the routines I grow up with as a child.

[Linnet]

Would you be doing the cooking?

I grow up in a house where you know what day it was by what was on the table.

My father, who we now think probable had AS, was very much one for routine, my mother was not far behind him. Even now she finds it hard to comprehend not having a roast dinner on a Sunday, served up at 1pm, no mater what.

 

Cup of coco at 10pm and in bed by 10-30.

 

Even now it feels wrong that I dont stick to the routines I grow up with as a child.

 

Sounds like we share the same parents although my mum has to have a cup of Ovaltine at 10.00pm ( she even takes it on holiday with her).

[Shnoing]

Calling all those who are married with one AS partner. ...

Both of us, although on different parts of the Spectrum. We are quite able to misunderstand each other, too.

[robert7111a]

Shnoing, are you willing to share your experiences?

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I'm NT, hubby is AS (after son was diagnosed). It's not a marriage made in heaven and has it's difficulties, but I think it's like everything else, it's about acceptance - we ALL have our funny little ways/idiosyncrasies (though I do not share the belief that everyone's autistic!) and it's about learning to get along. Equally, I have my strengths and weaknesses, as does hubby and so it's very much about being a team. Not easy, but works somehow.

[Shnoing]

Some points: we met at university 21 years ago and we sort of got "set up" by another student who already was an acquaintance of both of us at that time. In this relationship, we have 2 sons, the second one got his dx 5 years ago; I, mine, 4 years ago.

For some time, we rowed almost every day; I suppose now that we didn't know we had to give each other some space, also, at first, our appartment was really tiny.

Now, we see each other 2 hours daily max. on weekdays and that's ok as we both work in an area which is close enough to each one's SI (at night separate beds due to in compatible sleeping habits).

[Sa Skimrande]

I was married now divorced, it was a disaster and I learned at the end of the marriage my ex actually said she believed she could change me that is why she married me. But in the end the asperger's was quoted as being the reason she coud not cope anymore.

 

Recently I have found a friend who is very aware of asperger's syndrome, she works in a children's asperger's unit and she is trying to help me she of course being very aware adults with this thing are forgotten and ignored by the usual help services. Anyway chatting with her, after she learned I had been married, she said speculation is there are only two types of people who will marry an aspie, that is another aspie or someone who believes they can change the affected. Of course my ex was the latter and violent with it.

 

But the experience has damaged, as I now live alone and do not date, seven years has passed and the memories are still raw and unresolved.

 

Of course loneliness is the worst of it, but too much damage and then there is my biggest problem; communication.

Edited June 20, 2012 by Sa Skimrande

[robert7111a]

<p>

Anyway chatting with her, after she learned I had been married, she said speculation is there are only two types of people who will marry an aspie, that is another aspie or someone who believes they can change the affected.

Yes, this is claptrap. Marriage can work when one or both partners is AS. One or both partners know each other's misgivings. There are even a few books on the subject. I personally have many traits of AS and happily married with an NT partner. She makes up for my difficulties

[Sa Skimrande]

<p>Yes, this is claptrap. Marriage can work when one or both partners is AS. One or both partners know each other's misgivings. There are even a few books on the subject. I personally have many traits of AS and happily married with an NT partner. She makes up for my difficulties

 

Not everyone's experiences are the same and as to the 'claptrap', curious do you not think my friend described one of the potential suitors for an aspie as being a person who thinks they can change the partner, when it is a fact my ex wife said exactly the same at the conclusion of our marriage, she believed she could change me and then found she couldn't, so that was the end of it.

 

But in that marriage I experienced being compared to others, a wholly demeaning situation that further reinforces the feeling one has of being substandard. I of course understand my ex wife was trying to make me emulate others, so I could be what she wanted me to be, but I am me not others, but me was not good enough.

[robert7111a]

I made that mistake once. I went out with an (NT) girl who had a few problems "whom I thought I could change". I couldn't have been further from the truth and learnt the hard way

 

My (NT) wife wouldn't want me to change and she wouldn't change me for the world. She loves me for what (and who) I am

 

But then perhaps I'm just lucky.

 

You cannot make sweeping generalisations as everyone is different

[Sa Skimrande]

I made that mistake once. I went out with an (NT) girl who had a few problems "whom I thought I could change". I couldn't have been further from the truth and learnt the hard way

 

My (NT) wife wouldn't want me to change and she wouldn't change me for the world. She loves me for what (and who) I am

 

But then perhaps I'm just lucky.

 

You cannot make sweeping generalisations as everyone is different

 

And there is the problem, having experienced, just what else is out there and can I really go through all that again just to not be alone for the rest of my life.

 

But curiously, where I go dancing,( am the only male dancer), there are many immigrants and oddly, I am finding communication with them to be much easier than it is with fellow Britons, but I am uneasy, I seek friends, but I am not sure about the signals I am picking up from some of them, but like I said given ten years of hell, I am uneasy.

[robert7111a]

Well I went through it all again thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life and look where I am now.

 

I seek friends too but can't read the signals as to whether someone wants to be my friend or not

[Sa Skimrande]

The time comes with many when they question is it worth it - ymmv

[Mannify]

I tried to message you Robert, but it doesn't seem to work. Anyway, thing is my husband and I reckon he's on the very mild end. He had compulsions as a kid, had a breakdown with OCD as a teenager and finds social interaction very demanding. We've been married 17 years and he's the best man and dad on the planet.

[trekster]

Mannify that is a lovely thing to hear really pleased your fella came through his breakdown :-)

[Mike_GX101]

Anyone know of any newly-weds on here?