How do you deal with realtives -

[Tez]

I'm feeling really rather hurt about something that my husband's Aunt said to me a few weeks ago. She was asking about my AS son and saying that she couldn't understand why he was still out of school surely she said he just had to be ordered to go. We have told her that the school asked us to keep him at home because they couldn't guarantee his safety.

 

I tried to explain autism to her and why it was so difficult for him to cope in a mainstream school. She then said that she knew all about autism, "autism is beyond the pale. If he's out of school it proves that he's socially unacceptable." Now, this woman has known my son since he was a baby and until recently always doted on him. I asked her how she could believe that when she knows him and has always told me what a wonderful child he is. She replied that she hasn't seen him for a few weeks and he's obviously changed.

 

I dropped the subject but the comments have stayed with me. She hasn't dropped the subject and daily since she has tried to reintroduce it and keeps telling me she knows she right because its in the newspapers everyday about how these kids end up in prison. She knows that she upset me because she told my Step son that she thinks she went too far but she has never attempted to apologise to me.Today, all the feelings of hurt resurfaced when she returned a handmade thankyou card that my son made and gave to her last week as a thankyou for his birthday money. She told me to reuse it because it was a wonderful quality envelope and too good to just throw in the bin. She has many autistic traits - this lack of empathy is typical of her but I can't make her see that my son is not some monster but in many ways just like her.

 

I have to see her everyday because I am responsible for her well being but I am finding her increasingly tactless remarks difficult to take. I'm sure that many others have this problem, how do you deal with it?

[lil_me]

Whatever she says remember one thing

 

 

'You are his Mum and you know what is best for him'

 

 

If she's got a problem with it thats her problem, let her worry herself as much as she likes about whats in the papers etc , you are his Mother and you know him better than anyone else and what his best for him. End of.

 

 

Personally if I encountered a relative saying such things they probably would not be speaking to me by now as the last thing I am is tactful. If I think something I say it.

[Amanda32]

Hi Tez

Lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> for you it must be very difficult keeping cool and not blurting out how you feel without hurting your Aunt. Your son is not a monster he's the same person just need that extra support and people to understand their difficuties, rather say they are naughty etc. You could go up front with her as honesty is the best thing, such as tell her that she upset you give her some information on the difficulties Autistic children have. Im not sure what else to say but im sure someone else will give you more advice on this. I have in-laws that stick their nose in all the time and I am getting fed up of it but the only reason I haven't said anything before is because I think the world of them but wish they would stop moaning when they visit and telling me what to do..... The problem is they live 5mins away so see them everyday....

Take care

Amanda <'>

Edited August 13, 2005 by Amanda32

[elaine1]

I would tell her outright that is she cannot accept yr son as he is then she would have to stop seeing him, its not fair to let her bully you as she is. perhaps she sees the similarities and dosne like it.

but hey ho, your son should not have to put up with these comments.

 

 

my mil told my son to hold up his head in a room full of ppl, i soon told her. she shut up like a clam.

[LKS]

Hi Tez aren't the people you most depend on sometimes the ones that let you down the most My dad thinks the reason for my children's behaviour is I'm too soft. My mum has no idea how to talk to them. She is either trying to get them to perform "do a little dance for grandma" or asking to brush their hair. (they both hate having their heads touched)I decided last week to visit them with my sister and her son. My sister was the one person I thought understood, but we had never been away together. Well what a disaster she kept on about how my son didn't want to do anything and how my daughter at her age should be able to do certain things by herself. I was so upset so I know how you feel. I felt so lonely and it just made me realise even more how lots of people think our children are just naughty and with the right handling they would be o.k. Thank god for this forum cos I now realise that apart from all of you I'm completely on my own

[oracle]

I do not think that I could continue seeing this aunt without wanting to hit her (sorry). If you love people you are not meant to hurt them and she is hurting you. I do understand that autism is very difficult to understand, but of the people we know who should at least be able to try and understand it should be family? Sadly this is not always true I know that.

 

If this topic came up on a daily basis I would blow my stack because I would think that I had nothing to lose Because quite clearly she has been influenced by things that she has read in the paper and the lad she has dotted on for years has changed in her eyes She is the loser but I would not stay around to listen to her.

 

<'> Carole

[jomarie]

I know how you feel, I am know going through the stress of wondering who to tell about morgans diagnosis & who not to. Unfortunately at the moment my poor mother seems to be having the most problems, she told a friend a few weeks ago, & was also telling her how brilliant & clever M is & her friend replied 'well everyone thinks their child is brilliant'.... & when she told my aunt about his dx she replied '& he's always seemed so normal' I'm actually really proud of my mum as I pointed out that I probably would have lost my temper completely if someone said those things in front of me

[annie]

We had this problem with my sister-in-law. She was in her mid 30's at the time, divorced and never had kids, but thought that she was an expert on them

 

It got to the stage that she started swearing at my son and being really nasty to him.

 

We haven't spoken to her for 8 years now.

 

No child, AS or not deserves to be treated like that.

 

Annie

XX

[Flora]

Hi Tez, sorry to read of your relative's attitude. It's all too common though. Obviously I don't know your aunt so I can't offer advice, only sincere sympathy and understanding.

 

When my son was diagnosed I gave everyone who had any contact with him a print out with advice to parents and relatives of people with AS. I can't remember where I found it, it was on an internet site.

 

It may have helped a bit, but it didn't stop the hurtful comments. I'm still getting them now (3 years after dx).... examples are 'he's got you wrapped round his little finger'.... 'you must try and encourage him to be less insular'....'he has to learn to get along with his peers'....'why do you let him spend so much time on the computer?'..... these are just a few examples. I still haven't learned to cope with them, I always lose my temper and at times end up in tears of frustration.

 

I recently commented to a relative, who was sounding off about my son and my way of dealing with him, that if he could solve my son's problems then please do and then share his secret with the rest of the world as he'd make himself a fortune and make a lot of people happy. It shut him up but I'm not sure he quite understood the irony of what I was saying.

 

All I can say is, don't give in and try your best to ignore these people and don't let them influence you at all.

 

Lauren

[Guest flutter]

<'> <'> <'>

dont talk to most of my family, think there would be constant rows if we did talk.

hubs bruv, does inssit regulary for a kiss ( i have probs with this on too) and no matter how many times he is told he not get it.

it will end up with me loosing it,

you must do what is best for you and yours

and if that is making space btween family and you all then you do it

TC

C x

[Minxygal]

Most of our family did a runner when the boys were diagnosed. The last time one of them visited was a good few years ago now and we were having a barbecue. Mark kicked off and they left in a hurry. I heard through the grapevine that they were worried their kids would copy mine.

 

Sometimes I miss not having company but at other times I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with the kids as well as a house full of family.

We do have 'family' but my family consists of my friends who have children like mine and don't run away at the slightest hint of unusual behaviour.

As for the biological rabble that sould sit under the 'family' label, well, it's their loss!!

[annie]

Hi Minxygal,

 

We don't see hubby's lot anymore (in-laws died a few years ago). I've only got 1 brother and he's fine with my son.

 

I would put most of hubby's brothers and sisters on the Autistic Spectrum somewhere. Years ago, one of his sister's even told me she thought she was (the one we haven't spoken to for 8 years).

 

I've since heard that one of hubby's brother's boys are Autistic and the other has ADHD. Both are also Dyslexic.

 

Our 'family' now consists of my brother and friends.

 

Annie

XX

[oracle]

As my dear Dad always said you can chose your friends but not your family

 

He was sooooo right - he however did his level best to understand his grandchildren and brought a tear to my eye, when he said that he was honoured to have been given the opportunity to get to know my two sons with ASD. He also felt that they had a great deal to offer and to teach us all. Amen to that.

 

Carole

[annie]

Carole,

 

Your Dad's words..........so true.

 

Annie

<'>

[Tez]

Isn't it sad when even your own family can be so blinkered in their views?

 

I decided last night that I could no longer put up with this Great Aunt's attitude, but I didn't think that she meant to be cruel and hurtful, so I went to see her and took with me a copy of the Parental advice I've written for my son's statutory assessment request. I told her that I thought she would understand my son better and the pressures that we were under as a family if she read it. I told her that it was fine if she didn't want to, she could just bin it, but I was going to leave it with her to think about.

 

She phoned me this morning to say that she'd read it quickly last night and that she'd no idea that my son had to put up with so much. It had made her cry but that she now had a much better ubderstanding. She's going to read it through again today because there was much that she didn't absorb.

 

Hopefully she will now think about her attitude and think before she speaks. I can but hope.

[helenl53]

Hi Tez

 

I have just seen this thread.

 

It is such an emotive subject and in the past I have tried to forgive people their ignorance but their comments absolutely cut me in two.

 

Having read your parental representation, it would be hard not to cry - but hopefully, your aunt will read it and weep and then come back as a strong supporter of you and your lad.

 

It is ignorance (meant in the nicest possible way) that gives rise to hurtful comments and maybe we really need to tell it like it is.

 

I hope you get a positive outcome from this very stressful situation.

 

 

HelenL

[annie]

Hi Tez,

 

I'm so pleased for you. <'>

 

It's a big step in the right direction.

 

Annie

XX

Edited August 14, 2005 by annie

[lil_me]

Very good thinking Tez, hope it has the desired affect

[LKS]

Tez what a good idea. When I was giving my parental representation to the world and his wife I didn't even think of the relaitives. It might have helped them understand a bit more. Although I said before I feel completely alone, I do have several friends who understand and I also belong to my local ASD group, so I do have support but not from my family. I think you have done all you can to make your aunt understand, well done for persevering and not just blowing up, losing your temper and possibly losing contact with her forever.

[~Jonathan~]

My Aunt said to me a couple of years ago, out of the blue "I knew when you were a little boy that you weren't quite right and would never amount to anything. I pity your Mum, really I do, she's had enough to contend with in life without you adding to it" and I was flabbergasted. She just came right out with it, I wasn't behaving badly, she just said it like that which means she's probably always felt it and said nothing. I still talk with her and I'm civil but I don't like her anymore, don't like her at all.

[Minxygal]

Johnathan that's horrible, she doesn't sound very nice at all.

I don't think any of us mums want to be pitied, I know I don't. I'm lucky to have my boys in my life, I'm proud that I was chosen to guide them. I wouldn't change them for the world.

[Suze]

, Just come to this thread, and it,s heartbreaking, those supposed to be closest to us having no empathy, sympathy or understanding.Fingers-crossed Tez that your relative will turn the corner.There are friends we no-longer see because their views were insular, and I don,t miss em a bit.There are factions of my family who given the choice I would never see again!!!!.....Johnathan your relative sounds nasty I too would deeply dislike anyone who spoke so ignorantly.Have you spoken to your mum about it? <'> <'> <'> , hugs to all you guys the ignorant need educating!!!!

[Lesley]

Well done Tez I think you did a great thing approaching your great Aunt over it.

 

She sounds just like my mum but I have the opposite problem - my mum thinks she is the fountain of all knowledge and J definitely doesn't have AS.

 

I asked her why I would make it all up after teaching in a school for pupils with AS & she said 'I was just looking for it in him'.

 

I asked her why a consultant clinical psychologist might have made it up & she said he knew too much about it.

 

I asked her about my husbands self-dx which has resulted in a referral to the mental health service & she said:

 

"Everyone's got traits of it. It doesn't neccesarily mean they've got it. Take me. I have no imagination. I don't get jokes. I have no empathy for other people's feelings. I take things literally. I like things black and white like maths equations. I like routine. I always tell the truth & don't understand why someone would lie to protect someone else's feelings. I say what I think.......

 

....but I haven't got it."

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Sorry but it was nice to get that off my chest.....

 

L

xxx

[Elanor]

Tez

 

I think you were brave to deal with your problems this way, and clearly it was the right thing to do.

 

But it makes me think of another point - AS can be very hard to understand (understatement!) - most people would struggle to see the difference between AS and problem behaviour. If we don't inform and educate our relatives and friends, then are we being fair to them?

 

Most of the time, we try to be brave about the problems, hide them where possible, or understate them - no-one wants pity, and it can be so hard to explain things properly. A consequence of this could be that people, who have the capacity to offer help and understanding, never really are faced with the realities of the issues we live with. So, is it fair for us to expect them to understand - unless we lay it on the line, and give them information?

[lsw146]

My Mum seemed to be really coming around to our way of thinking so I left B's guide to AS for children for the family to read because it is so much clearer than a lot of leaflets.

Her response was that B only has some of the problems mentioned and when I asked her why she though B behaved the way she did she said it was just her personality.

I can only hope she is wrong because an 11 year old standing in the middle of a supermarket, rigid with her eyes shut and hands clamped over her ears trying not to have a meltdown is a 'personality' trait I would hope no young girl has. It also suggests there is no helping her but we have found many strategies that do just that!

[~Jonathan~]

I did speak to Mum about it but she's in agreement with her, she feels that it's her fault that I'm the way I am, that she's in some ways a bad mother. She feels that God must have punished her for things she's done in her life. Her and I have a fractious relationship. When I say or do things she thinks it's because I choose to do them and am badly behaved and reflect poorly on her. We stay away from each other for the most part, with me up here on the computer and her downstairs. She can be very cruel. I'm not able to leave because without her in some ways, I am lost. It's a lose-lose situation.

[Suze]

Johnathan I feel for <'> you both <'> ,........... , this journey isn,t easy ,you can converse brilliantly here on the forum, have you ever tried to write your thoughts and feelings down for you mum to read, take care.xx

[lsw146]

Jonathan your words really struck home with me. I try very hard with both my children to realise one is just a little girl and the other has real dificulties controlling her behaviour but I have to admit that sometimes when I am so tired I can't see straight that I find myself asking them if I am such a bad mother they can't just control themselves for five mintues or do they respect me so little that they can couldn't care less about how their behaviour makes me feel. This happens less and less but every tiem is once too much!

[oracle]

Sometimes I think that we Mums have a great deal to answer for I only hope that my two will not judge me too badly as they grow up, although one in now a man already. I know I do not always get it right and often lose my cool I suppose we can only do out best.

 

My biggest factor happened when my youngest told me that his sister told him that he was not autistic it was just me :angry:She then told him that she did however know that there was something seriously wrong with my middle son - Not her brother - who has AS. She said this I am told, in front of quite a few people and then did a rather good impression of my middle son when he is walking. I suppose I should be pleased that my yougest realised that this was not a nice thing to do and was cross enough to tell me about it.

 

This happend in January and I am no calmer today about this then I was in January. Why do relatives have to be like this with us. Do we not have enough?

 

Carole

[~Jonathan~]

(((((lsw146)))))

 

You are a fantastic mother who cares or why else would you be here? Don't berate yourself okay? <'>

 

Hi minxygal,

 

No worries, I've kinda got used to things as they are around here. I just inhabit a different view of the world than my family and so to them, it makes sense that I appear unusual to them. A lot of what they are into and do, baffles me at times too