he is so rude

[hev]

if i dont jump the minute steven asks me to do something he is terrible to me,insulting me,swearing at me,i feel like i am walking on eggshells,i just bought him some new things as i thought he would like them,i dont expect him to be forever thankful to me but its like he takes everything for granted,he is 12 and i know they all go through this but i dont know whats aspergers/hormones or hes just a spoilt boy who doesnt appreciate anything.

he gets up for school and if his breakfast isent ready right away he starts shouting,if he cant find his keys he shouts,it sounds pathetic but i feel like he is bullying me,when i look at what ive written it sounds stupid,i feel sorry for him as he doesnt have any friends,i know he gets frustrated but i dont know what to do.

just needed to get it off my chest,i need to be the parent and get some respect from steven but i dont know how to

[bid]

Hi hev <'>

 

Maybe some of this might be the need for a strict routine to help him feel safe?

 

I mean, things like breakfast being ready at exactly the right time, keys in exactly the right place...

 

Have you tried using a timetable for him, so that he can see when things are going to happen?

 

 

Just a thought...

 

Bid

[rainbow queen]

have to say my 4 year old is same with me-he shouts alot at me,and trys to control me alot too,but it tends to be when hes stressed over some thing,which is like nearly all the time got,he never has been able to wait for anything [even his milk when he was a baby].

it dont click with him when i say im just busy doing this first -then i will do it

[smallworld]

Hi,

I think 'first'and 'then' are really useful words to use and teach (along with 'stop' and, my personal favourite 'finish' ) sometimes I think these key words are the only bit of a conversation my son actually listens to. If things are really bad, then I stick to the one keyword, and dispense with the explanation around it. This goes totally against the idea of telling a child why you are doing/forbidding something. Sometimes, I think with asd kids the explanation can be given after the event, rather than trying to be 'reasonable' in the face of total meltdown.

I hope this makes sense !

wac

[Malika]

Hi Hev

 

I found it is difficult to give advice,as my son is ASD but is only 8 and problems change as they grow older, but with my daughter who is 14 was classified hyperactive but his not autistic in anyway I had quite a lot of those fool mouth as well she is getting very impatient for nearly everything, now I think there are three things you should consider,

 

1- is the condition of your son (for example my daughter has thyrotoxicosis controled not always very well by medication which make her very anxious and very nervous) as you know your son will tend to controle you as this is often a feature with AS and ASD children as they have a lot to cope with and because they misunderstand situation they get very frustrated, because as their mother they know you will be patient they will take it on you to get their frustration out.

 

2- your son now is an adolescent and will probably become more argumentative and will push you to the max to affirm himself which may be reinforced by the fact that he feels insecure because of his condition.

 

3- In spite of all those and for his own sake and yours you have to try to stop him and find some form of discipline he should adjust to . Try first to talk to him when he his calm as he will be more receptif mainly you should try to avoid being confrontational this is very important with AS children (avoiding to reproach him like "why do you always..."

 

For example could you tell him I was thinking about what happens in the morning wouldn't it be better if I leave every thing you need on the table like that you can help yourself when you are ready, if he is insisting that you should do it try to be firm and just tell him I really think that now you are 12 you should do it yourself indeed if you do it yourself for the next 2 weeks I may buy you... (what ever you know would really pleased him.)

 

Stick to your gun as much as possible and for as long as possible, then once this is tackle try to tackle another problem the way he talks to you for example stop doing anything for him until he ask you properly if he gets very nervous tell him things like you love him very much but you do not want to be talk like this by anyone replace the problem in a less personal way like "it is not only from you but from anybody" As a matter of fact I never try to tackle too many problems at the same time.

 

I know from my own experience that we tend to compensate for our children difficulties by buying things for them now with mine I try not to buy anything except for an occasion like birthday if not I make them wait and I set out some conditions like doing homework in time or not getting into fight or like for my son not to create too much fuss (lets say the last one) about going swimming with his school.

Now about the swimming story I organised for him to get his own cubbicle and to have somebody ( our sportman) he could talk to if something goes wrong I made thing as easy as possible for him and I realise it is a task for him because of sensory problems but I have made clear to him that I do not want anymore fuss because I feel that he can overcome his difficulties and in the long run it is good for him to go swimming with his class.

 

Always remind him that you love him very much that you understand life may be difficult for him at time but it is difficult for you as well, if he does'nt want to listen you can try to take away some privileges, do not feel too guilty about it but try to balance the whole thing by considering that he may have had a very hard day, for example with my son I tend to give him at least 2 warnings then if I feel he is very tired I will punish him with a light punishment like not playing on the computer for 2 hours but he can still watch TV (it is just a matter of principle).

You may find that sometimes he just needs to be distracted from his ownself try to put the TV on or the radio or a CD he likes, to allow his thoughts to get away from the problem he got stuck with.

 

Another thing which may work is to make him feel that he is in charge specialy in doing things at home like breakfast. One important point is to avoid talking about the event when it has just happened as ASD children needs to get out of their anger before they can listen, another point is to make sure there is nothing major which has upset him.

 

I hope this will help sorry to drag it so much.

 

Take care.

 

Malika.

[Elanor]

Hi Hev

 

You could be describing my weekend! My son's 11, and he's just like you describe - not all the time, but often. Partly you just have to live with it - my husband and I do everything we can for him including routines, reducing stress, managing expectations, etc etc - but he can still be rude, insensitive and over-sensitive and it still gets to me.

 

Other days I could be more upbeat and optimistic, but after this weekend, I just wish it would all go away, and it never never does.

 

Elanor

[mandyque]

Would he understand clocks or a stopwatch? Maybe you could try to teach him 'yes I will fetch you a ...... in one minute, then start the stopwatch or show him what a minute looks like on a clock. You could maybe build it up from 30 seconds to a few minutes so that he knows that he will get what he wants, but not immediately.

 

The 'now this, then that' approach works with my dd to a point, she is non verbal but we have managed to work on making her understand the concept and she understands it, although whether she will wait is another matter

[lisann]

Know exactly what you all mean if I don't do it now it's a load of shouting and screaming.C has no concept of time and shouts

 

"Shut up just Shut up" in my face.

 

I tend to walk away and come back when he has cooled down.

 

Lisa x

[Clarkie]

Hey there

haven't logged on for a coupla months - but saw your question and had to say something - You have a child with ASD - and tomorrow when you get up your kid will still have ASD - but it's another day and a fresh start. Trust that you are doing the best you can.

Edited March 17, 2006 by Clarkie

[Zemanski]

Com's first psychological assessment through CAHMs was pretty intense and the main comment that came out was that Com was 'controlling' and that this is a stress reaction.

I know when he is happy because he cooperates and he shares, when he is stressed he has to be in control every minute and now he is so big (13) it is right in your face and feels so very rude and threatening.

 

look for the roots of the stress and do all you can to relieve it (I know you do it anyway but it is always the starting place), if you can't pinpoint the stress it may well be hormonal at this age - did you know that NT children lose several years of social development at this age due to changes in the brain? They also lose much of their ability to empathise. That's why they have a tendency to become Kevin's. If it affects ordinary teenagers like this it must be far worse for ours who already struggle with social communication.

 

but with patience and understanding they do grow through it.

 

sorry I don't have anything more practical to offer

 

stay strong <'>

 

Zemanski

 

had another thought - teenagers also lose some of their ability to assess risk and become risk takers - I wonder if this might unbalance a teenage AS kid? maybe make them more cautious rather than less, stressed and frustrated by their own newfound need to take risks clashing with their need for sameness and routine

Edited October 27, 2005 by Zemanski

[hev]

zemanski you are so right when you say the behaviour feels threatening and i dont like feeling like this,thankyou for all your advice,always sounds corny but im so glad im not alone and have got people to talk to who know what im going through

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi There is another way of looking at this

 

I was just reading and remembering my son going through the same thing. Have you considered talking to your child Paediatrician about it.

 

Apparently when children reach 12 or puberty there needs for medication changes. My sons medication stopped working and he was exactly like your son. He was so frustrated with everything and my daughter and I felt like we could both end up in an institution.

 

The Paediatrician trialled him on a new medication and within weeks my son thanked me for helping him, he said he had not mental energy to have a conversation and the medication he was put on worked like a gem. It is being used over the past couple of years for Aspergers and Autism and I am so grateful as I have my lovely son back, and my family are close again. And my daugter and I no longer need to be shipped off to therapy. Its called Risperdal along with Ritalin or Concerta

 

Hailey

Edited October 29, 2005 by hallyscomet

[hev]

i have been thinking along the lines of medication again as he cannot seem to calm down,we got an appt at cahms on friday so im going to have a word,i havent found cahms very helpful to be honest but its all worth a try

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hope it all goes well, sometimes it takes a few weeks to get the meds right, but they really worked for my son

 

Thinking of you

 

Hailey

<'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

bumping

<'>

[Mummy21]

Thanks HC for bumping this, I saw the title and thought 'sounds familiar' and yes, this is a discription of what I am going through with my son at the moment (8yrs).

 

I am extremely thankful for all those helpful tips.

 

Thanks

 

Joanne xxx

[lizzie]

if i dont jump the minute steven asks me to do something he is terrible to me,insulting me,swearing at me,i feel like i am walking on eggshells,i just bought him some new things as i thought he would like them,i dont expect him to be forever thankful to me but its like he takes everything for granted,he is 12 and i know they all go through this but i dont know whats aspergers/hormones or hes just a spoilt boy who doesnt appreciate anything.

he gets up for school and if his breakfast isent ready right away he starts shouting,if he cant find his keys he shouts,it sounds pathetic but i feel like he is bullying me,when i look at what ive written it sounds stupid,i feel sorry for him as he doesnt have any friends,i know he gets frustrated but i dont know what to do.

just needed to get it off my chest,i need to be the parent and get some respect from steven but i dont know how to

It sounds like you are describing my son!!! K is a big boy and when things arent exactly how he expects them to be he has outbursts( temper tantrums) and goes through the house like the tazmanian devil!! He treats me with contempt and has little or no respect for me, I sometimes feel like I have failed as a parent,it makes me very sad

[minerva]

avoiding to reproach him like "why do you always..."

 

omg! i am terrible for that

Edited May 2, 2006 by minerva