Scared of Dying

[ray]

Our 17 yr old AS son has developed a real fear of dying. It started earlier this year when he discovered a pop singer called Laura Branigan - he loves listening to pop music and buys CD's constantly, exclusively female artists. Anyway, when he gets into a singer, he really does, and researches all that he can collects every release (incl imports when he can). This singer died of a brain tumour thing and he gradually became more and more convinced it would happen to him, developing phantom headaches, and pointing to the spot on his head where he believes the tumour to be. Its now got to the stage that he's regualrly scared of going to sleep on the basis he wont wake up. And the concept of death terrifies him ('its just blackness, and there's nothing').

 

Over the last 6 months we've just tried talking this through, he's been to the doctor (twice) who was brill and patiently explained everything and how healthy he is, he's seen the college counselor, he even agreed to remove the LB cd's from the house just in case they are 'possessed by her spirit'. This morning at 3.30 he was sobbing in my arms, just so scared, and it breaks my heart.

 

He knows on a rational level that he has nothing to worry about, and he's said to me that he hates feeling like this, and he wants to stop, but he can't help it.

 

Sorry to ramble on, but has anyone else had this sort of experience, or does anyone have any ideas?

 

Thanks, and now I'd better do some work.

 

ray

[nvapid]

Have you ever talked about what comes after death? Can you explore different beliefs of life after death and reincarnation? The nature of energy in the universe? He may not be affraid of death so much, but what comes next.

 

My son often starts fearing his own death by cancer, so we talk about the afterlife and all the many different possibilities it could hold, so like Peter Pan, death becomes the final great adventure. But not one he or anyone would want to take right now!

[nellie]

Ray, <'>

 

This is fairly common for people on the spectrum. It's been discussed on the following topics, I hope you find it helpful.

 

Death, Ben is worried.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...t=0entry36058

 

6 year old asking to die, what can i do?

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...t=0entry18274

 

 

Nellie xx

[shintyboy]

Hi Ray,from the viewpoint of someone with AS,I think this kind of thing is typical.I personally remember going through something similar when I was younger.I think it might be an anxiety thing rather than an actual fear of dying.From personal experience I think we need something to worry about.I've gone through life worrying about many different things and then having the problem solved,only to find something new to worry about.It isn't very nice and I don't know what the answer is but when your son says that he doesn't want to feel like this but can't help it,he hit the nail on the head.My son is going through similar experiences at present and when I see that he is worried about something,I try to make it as easy as possible for him and take any extra pressures off him.As your son gets older he will maybe realise that his condition is making him like this,and that will ease the level of anxiety he gets.As a parent all you can do is make things easier with reassurance and love.Not much help,sorry,but keep in there.Things will get better,All the best. <'> <'> <'>

[oracle]

David and I, he's 18 now, were talking about this only yesterday. David is often troubled by death sometimes very deeply. His thoughts are again stopping him from sleeping. I know only to well what sitting holding him while he sobs. David also knows that he is not being realistic but he is also aware that when these though take their hold it takes time to move them out of his head.

 

We have tried everything and so far the one thing that does help him is knowing that he is not alone in having these thoughts and feelings. I have spoken to people who also suffer from this and making David aware of this has at least let him know that he is not alone. Most of thw time he can manage this without waking me up but not always. It is very distressing and something that is very difficult to cope with.

 

Carole

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

 

My son is 18 and we went through this as my partners daughter actually has a terminal brain tumour and she is only 25. We went through a terrible time as he became so obsessed like your son. He would get on his computer and type like a journal, as I showed him this was a really good way to get out all of your feelings.

 

He became so obsessed with typing out journals and then one day he told me he wanted me to come and sit down and read his journal. When I read his journal it was saying how bad he felt about his condition and my partner's daughter and how scared he was of dying and how some times he felt so alone and scared he actually felt like dying. (I used to teach Scripture) so I said to him okay, I see you are very upset here, and I said now I want you to add something to this journal as I read it out to you I want you to type it. Then I started to recite how God you know my mind my thoughts and all my feelings and I am now going to pass all of these feelings up to you as I know you will protect me and look after me, and that you will take all my fears away from me and let me feel happy again, and feel love again, and feel safe. (I noticed the change in my sons face, he started to believe and make that shift and put his trust in God.) So I continued, with him and then said to him, (now God only listens to you if you recite the Lords Prayer, this way you get his attention, and he will listen to you) so together we said and he typed out "The Lords Prayer" Our father who art in heaven etc. we finished off with the Hail Mary as well, as I could see he loved me sitting there with him, then we finished by saying, thank you God for taking away all these bad thoughts, I love you God.

 

It worked, I walked away knowing my son had healed, now if he ever see's a religious program on he intently watches it and come and tells me about it.

 

His favourite saying now is that if we Trust Jesus and God we will always be safe and he will always care for us, if we have Fear, we must remember that Fear is the devil and so whenever we feel fear that is the devil trying to ruin our lives, we must ignore the devil and believe in God.

 

A saving grace!!!

 

Perhaps you could try this with your child. I hope it helps. It certainly helped my son, I encouraged him to write all the bad feelings and good feelings down, and if he wanted me to read it with him afterwards that was totally up to him. But also said we would say a prayer afterwards, and then pass it up to God, to heal you and protect you.

 

All the best <'> <'> <'>

It may take some time but it certainly worked for my boy.

 

God Bless

 

Regards

Hailey

Edited November 3, 2005 by hallyscomet

[LKS]

Sorry can't offer any ideas but my son has suffered from a fear of dying since he was about 7. The E.P. once remarked on his obsession with his own death! These fears still stop him going to sleep and often he will come into me during the night but all I can do is hug him and try to reassure him. I think he would really like to believe in something after death but as he has a very logical mind this is hard for him to grasp. In R.E. recently the teacher asked them to write about whether they believed in reincarnation and what they think might happen after death. My son wrote I don't believe in reincarnation and I prefer not to think about what happens after you die He doesn't even like to have his photo taken or be filmed as he said this reminds him of another second of his life that has gone It is so difficult to talk about death with him but I really like the idea of sending the bad thoughts away, because that is what he calls them, 'mum I'm having those bad thoughts again'

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Ray,

 

Is it possible your son is also suffering from bereavement because from your description of his feelings it reminds be very much of my own feelings (not AS) when my Uncle died suddenly (I was 10).

 

He may not have known the singer personally but there are still Elvis fans out there who don't believe he is dead.

 

If this is your son's first experience of the death of someone close (to him, she was) it comes as one helluva shock - as you are probably aware.

 

Perhaps if he talked about the singer more, about what he liked about her - the same way you would talk to anyone who has experienced a close death. Your son believed in this singer, he was, to put it simply, obsessed with her and now she is no longer in his life and to him that is a tremendous loss.

 

Maybe talk about other singers that have died eg: John Lennon, Elvis etc and how they are remembered more than ever and that people go on collecting memorabilia about them.

 

Tell him death is not the end and you go on living in peoples' hearts and memories - he will adjust but bereavement counselling will probably help. I found it very hard to explain this all to my NT son when his best friend died of meningitis (8 years ago) - now he believes his friend is one of his spirit guides, as I do my uncle.

 

 

Daisy

[oracle]

My son actually coped when My Dad died last year, which came as a huge surpsie to me. He was very very upset as he loved his Grandad very much but I did not get the response to his death that I expected. I think that this worry is very much centred around their own deaths and how that occurs. It is after all the biggest 'change' that we ever face and people with ASD do not do change at all well. It is not something we cannot plan with them either. You can not make a social story or picture diary out of this topic if it is centred around themselves.

 

When my Dad died I had to give a very positive account to our youngest as Matthew, also ASD, also worries and can be fixated on death. I did the God bit and how wonderful the after life is and then found that that made it impossible for me to cry or even look sad Matthew could not understand why I was sad when Heaven is such a wonderful place David however is a none believer and you can not force someone who does not believe to believe. He thinks that Monty Python do a better version of Jesus than the Bible (sorry I have no wish to offend here I am just trying to point out how very different we ALL are) Having a faith may indeed help some of us but not all.

 

It is now 18 months after my Dad'd death that both of my sons are now having problems. Matthew is still very positive but that had not stopped his fear of dying and being alone when it happens. David is just having problems ridding himself of his morbid thoughts.

 

I do not think that there is any easy answer to this topic and certainly not one solution - if only

 

Carole

Edited November 3, 2005 by carole

[ray]

Thanks for all the guidance. We've decided on a couple of initial tactics if he's still stressed out tonite which will be to make sure he understands he's not alone in having these feelings, and to begin exploring with him some of the different beliefs about what happens next.

 

Once again, thank you.

 

ray

[ray]

Just to let you all know that, although still worried, Alex had a much more relaxed evening after we talked through some of the things you all suggested, and he slept through the night. I know these fears will return but for now he's a lot happier. Thanks to all of you who replied.

ray

[reuby2]

hiya Ray,

My son is now 7 and became obsessed by a fear of dying 3 years ago, 6 months after his nana died.He was frightened that falling down would make him die or touching something would make him die etc.What we did was let him pray his fears out at night (we have always said a prayer at bedtime) and although the prayer takes about 5 mins (has to be in order or else he starts from the beginning and to start with he was praying at different times through the day) he now speaks out his fears in a matter of fact way and seems much happier with it all.

He says he gets hot feeling in his hands and that gives him bad thoughts which still upset him and make him cry at school but we find it is more the thought of being seperated that makes the idea of death upset him.We have just been told that my son may have autism and that this kind of anxiety is very commonly found in autism.I understand how you feel because we had a particularly bad spell when he went back to school in september where he was getting himself almost hysterical over it and couldn't be comforted but it does seem to have calmed down a bit now. Is your son facing any changes at the moment because we find that when my son is having to cope with change it crops up again.I work in a library and actually got a book from the library, I didn't know if it was a good idea or not, but it was all about different creatures and their lifetimes ranging from a day for a mayfly to a humans lifetime, it was written as a story and although i thought it would perhaps upset my son more, it helped because he started to understand the concept of time and it took some of the uncertainty away. your local library would be able to get hold of some books that may help.

Thinking of you

Fi

x

[Malika]

Hi Ray and all.

 

My son who is 8 had period of time when he would be very anxious about death and people changing because they get older he would then ask question about who would look after him if I died I found some good answer to that by explaining that not only my partner but his sister 6 years older could look after him, and is thing come to the worse two of my friend have already said that they would take care of him.

I then went on explaining that when he is a bit older I would teach him to cook and wash his cloth he was very reasure by that as he felt he would be able to look after himself when reaching adult age. ( he said something funny once " or never mind Mum if I cannot cook I will buy Pizza I like pizza anyway" )

I have as well remembered him what we believe in and what will happen to us after death and that we hope to go to paradise and how paradise looks like and that he has to trust God who will always put somebody on the road when he needs help.

 

Since then when ever he feels anxious about it he will took to me about paradise and what he wants to ask God when he meets him. So far he seems to feel reassure however I have read that it is often during the teenage years that things like this can get more complicated are they tend to question their beleive itself.

H wanted as well to learn some prayer but as we are Muslim and we learn in arabic it is difficult for him as he cannot understand it and the language is so different, we already struggle with my partner to learn the basic so I just promess him that next year I would slowly teach him the main prayer in the mean time I just teach him some suplication in English. I however do not want to push it too much as I think he could be later exploited because of his vulnerability.

 

May be the best way to help them when they come to that kind of anxiety is not to dismiss their fears but to direct them toward a more positive feeling about it. Keep talking to your child as naturaly as possible and thing will probably get better.

But then Carole is right how can you explain the tears when somebody you love die if paradise is such a good place to be may be just to say it is because we are now separated and we feel sad about it. I remember how he was upset when his fishes died and that he insisted for them to be beried in a safe place in the garden.

 

Well not an easy subject for sure and I hope you will find your way to bring reassurance to your son. In any case you cannot force anybody to beleive in what you want to, it is the essence itself of human being the ability to believe and it is very much a complete personnal choice.

 

Take care. <'>

 

Malika.

[~Jonathan~]

I have to be honest, I have never been comfortable with the concept of death. I'm not going to know anything about it when I'm there but that's what bothers me the most. My girlfriend is the same, she's terrified of death. We're both Atheists, have never believed in the supernatural or anything after this life. I just put it to the back of my mind and try not to think about it. It's all I can do to deal with it.

[ceecee]

I too am petrified of death and have as not sure if it is more common with people on the spectrum to have fears of death and dying

[ray]

I've had a lot of time to ponder this one over the last 8 months or so but I'm not an expert, and I'll never be able to see it from my son's point of view as I'm not AS n(I dont think). However, what strikes me is the bravery it takes to confront such an issue head on, albeit that it leads to huge stress and anxiety, and the awareness to grapple with the concept of 'nothingness' (if thats all there is), and the intense curiosity. Also, because of what Alex has been going through, just occasionally its made me really stop and think what it means, and it is really scarey. But like most NT's I shove it to the back of my mind.

 

Ray