rejection

[linny]

How do you all cope with other parents rejecting their child. My son has had a best friend since he started school(2 years)The other mum has tried everyting to discourage their friendship but her daughter likes my son and their friendship has endured.She has also makes it clear that I am not welcome as part of her cool crowd- wierd son must have wierd mum. I am new to the area and so don't know many people and am finding this hard to cope with.As my son is doing well at school, I have had no reason to be open about his A.S.

[tinytrace]

hi linny

 

this is something that is difficult to cope with i know, i have friends who i've known for years and sometimes they still look at me with dread when i take my son round to thier house although it has gotton better since he was diagnosed and i find people on the whole to be more tollerant of his strange behaviours when they know what is wrong

its not something im happy with, i would much rarther people just accepted him without explanations but thats just the way people are

 

maybe if these parents knew about his AS they would also be more understanding

 

trace xx

[CarolJ]

Linny, love

 

this woman's daughter obviously has loads better judgment that her mum!! Stupid stuck up *****!+!!.

 

This is typical example of NT-Parent-of-NT-child-who-thinks-it's-all-just-an-excuse-for-Bad-Parenting-Woman and in all honesty would you want to be a "friend" of hers????? I often see people like this standing in playground of my daughter's mainstream school. They like to feel "superior" to us AS parents! When they say "oh isnt he talking yet???" DUHHHH NOOOOOOO! "I am starting to potty train my Tristran = hes 13 months old, he's soooooooo advanced! - Whoppee for you - I reply! Sarcasm dripping from every word!

 

Mostly they dont include me in their little groups and we certainly dont get invites to their "darlings parties". I would love to take Scott to their houses and let him wreck it heee hee hee hee - but his sister would be mortified!

 

In three words "I DONT CARE!" . I love my son and he is gorgoeous looking, so's my daughter (okay I am biased!). Unfortunately as an AS parent a thick skin is a necessity.

 

I have had these parents saying "how do you cope, I couldn't said in a superior manner", I reply "I cope because I dont have a choice, the same way you would have to if anything happened to your precious darling!" They back away in horror, almost as if I have cursed them! I have perfected the "stare" and many dont even look at me!

 

My babies are my world, I love em ASD warts and all!

 

If you were a friend to this woman, it would not be a happy friendship - you probably wouldnt need any enemys!

 

Just ignore her love, rise above it. As I said before, her daughter has better judgment, perhaps she thinks AS is catching.

 

We have to deal with "ism's" every day. Ignorance and attitude of others is harder than dealing with AS itself.

 

Where abouts do you live, call contact a family in your area and see if there are any support groups for parents in your new area? Of course you have us here!

 

Keep your chin up and hold your head up high, be proud and stuff em - and remember we are all in the same boat and the waves get a bit choppy from time to time!! Your boy comes first, ignore it!

 

Love

[CarolJ]

sorry duh brain, just re-read, you said you had no reason to be open about your son's ASD!

 

Sorry ignore last post, well some of it anyway. Perhaps if NT parent knew she might be a bit more understanding, I repeat "Might". Although this is doubtful, because I can imagine someone like her, although I dont know her I know many like her saying "see, I knew something was not quite right!".

 

As long as your boy is happy and noone ill treats or is nasty to him because of his AS, who cares!

 

We have a group of "regligous" people, not sure what religon whose kids go to my duaghter's school, all wear "headscarfs", like hankichiefs, triangle thing!

 

I think they are christians of some sort and guess what! They are the worst, they stare and their kids are little b's. I just look at em back with the "stare" and they look away. Will have to start muttering my voodoo witchcraft black magic mutterings and tell em my son is possessed - he certainly acts like it sometimes!!!!

 

Sorry, as you can see my sense of humour is warped, but I dont make the world I only try to live in it!

 

Try to find out if other parents of AS kids are in your area and at least you will all have something in common!

 

Take care

[baileyj]

I agree with what CarolJ is saying. Over time you just get thick skinned about it. Especially with the ones that look at you as if their child might "catch" autism off yours. Or the ones that look at you and its written all over their faces "thank god its not my child". I tend to try and think as long as Max is OK, then I'm big enough and ugly enough to cope, even though it does hurt. Max doesn't have any friends, he's only 3 and a half and doesn't want any, so at least he doesn't mind.

 

Jo

[niki]

hi linny i live in a village and my tristan goes to a neighbouring village school i too am excluded from the clicky( i know theres a posh way to spell it but cant remember) groups of mums fortunatlytricky has a few really good friends that look after him and i remember tricky being invited to a very popular girls leaving do all the other mums were DISGUSTED! cos their children wern't very satisfying indeed! but at the end of the day who really wants to be part of their gang anyway? these women are obviously to shallow and self centred to be worth hanging around with anyway!

[kirstie]

yes i've had the same treatment too.My boys nursery are on the whole pretty good.But we never ever get party invites and there are one or two who are very snooty and look at you as if your child is the son of satan.They clutch on to their little one as if trying to keep them away from your devil child.I@m sure they think i'm a bad mother and he's a prize brat.But i have one word for them bo*@*c*s !!! ha ha ha. I don't want to be friends of theirs thank you very much.

take care, kirstie.

[CarolJ]

Niki, choice of name was off top of my head, honest - I also added an extra "r" !

 

"I am starting to potty train my Tristran = hes 13 months old, he's soooooooo advanced!

 

I was trying to make one of my many points, love the name, Tricky!

[lisa]

Hello,

 

I just wanted to add that it can get better. When Jack was younger he was a nightmare. I had three children under the age of 3 at one point. He had major meltdowns in public, kicking and screaming, he climbed everything in sight and on the whole was like a thing let loose. He would never sit in his car seat, we tried everything to keep him strapped in but he still managed to do a "Houdini" out of his car seat and into the boot. To top it all he was a "runner", the hours I spent chasing him down streets, terrified he'd run in the road. My husband even had a tee shirt printed with Jack's picture and a caption "Where's Jack?" because we spent so much of our time saying "where's Jack?" it became a family catchphrase. He broke windows and televisions (he used to stand on top of the television and jump off like superman!!) I endured all the stares and the "oh how do you cope" and to be honest, I don't know how I did at times!

 

Jack is now 10. He is a wonderful, "overly" polite boy and quite a favourite with other parents. He is very eccentric and like a little professor. He once went to a friends house for tea and told the mother "thank you, that was delicious, you must give me the recipe". Most parents like a polite child and often overlook a lot if a child has good manners. He also has a thing about complimenting people, he'll say things like "is that a new skirt, it's lovely". He still has lots of problems, often gets things wrong, misreads situations etc. and can get teased by other kids because of the way he is. He mainly saves his meltdowns for at home which makes life a lot easier. I'm not saying it isn't difficult still but in our case more managable.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Lisa

[Gita]

Hi Linny

 

I think CarolJ is right. You have to rise above it and ignore them. Next time they do their pariah act, imagine them sitting on the loo or naked. That'll bring a smile to your face and they'll be left wondering what you're smiling at.

 

Hang in there

 

Love

Gita

[Jester]

Ahhh ... 'tis late and the homeopathic stress reliever is kicking in but, still, I believe (in my sad and deranged way) that, if I can still punctuate - I can contribute!

 

I shall shortly disappear into the Batcave but not without saying that (drum roll) 'Perfect Mummies' Perfect children' are, as often as not, 'Perfectly Normal Little B*st*rds' in the playground. The ability to find a decent manicure is NO indicator of adequate parenting skills

 

As a teacher, I get less grief from parents who accept their children for what they are (or CAN BE!) than I do from the whining brigade of "Can't you make sure Duane doesn't sit next to Reece, because Reece makes Duane misbehave" parents.

 

Gita...I cannot possibly imagine any of the parents I deal with naked ... I am disturbed enough as it is!!

 

Jester

[CarolJ]

...I cannot possibly imagine any of the parents I deal with naked ... I am disturbed enough as it is!!

 

Jester take an extra shot of tonic, its half-term next week!

 

Am going to paint three 666's on Scott's head and put a getto blaster with taped sound effects from Exocist hidden under buggy, will stand amongst the Christians and get Scottie ne Regan to start stimming (spinning round) accompanied by noise of animalistic noises and your mother .........this is after all a moderated site... heh heh heh he!

 

To the Batcave ......

[linny]

Thanks everyone for helpful and funny advice. My son sounds like yours Lisa, overly polite and saving meltdowns until he gets home. I do not want to be this mums friend, all I expect is a little understanding and common curtesy. My main problem is that all my friends are back in London and I have struggled to make friends up here - partly because I have been trying to deal with getting Calum a diagnosis and partly because I am not really working (I know.. don't hate me all at once!) I will develop a thick skin eventually, but it is hard. There are lots of other mums who I'm sure would be potential mates but when you are feeling like this it is hard to make new friends. lin

[kirstie]

Hey Linny, sorry to hear you sounding so down.I know how hard it can be.I moved to Cardiff several years ago, i'm from Edinburgh.It was really hard and i didn't meet people easily.In time i did, (and then i left, but thats another story!!) It is really hard as your head is full of trying to help out your child.At that particular time i was tryimg to get the Ed. Psych. to come to the school and see my eldest son, who has dyslexia.It is a never ending battle.

I agree, you hold your head up high and stick two fingers up to the prats.As much as it can be draining, i feel very lucky to have such a special child (ren )(my youngest is 4 with AS) and we are always here for you.

love Kirstie.

[oracle]

I always felt like the odd one out in the school yard and was never included into the 'clicks' either. It's hard enough being a parent of a child with a disability, and trying hard for them to be accepted and to fit in, without other parents making you feel like a misfit yourself. But it did help me to understand how my two sons must feel at times and it's not nice.

 

Since we de-reged Matthew he does not see that the other children all have party invitations and that he has again been left out and I don' have to stand all on my own in the school yard. My friends have been just as bad as some of the school parents and we find we are no longer included into their circle either.

 

So we found new friends - friends who also have children with autism and understand - Matthew now has a friend called Alex who also has autism and his mum and I have been amazed at how well they get on with each other - and if they do melt down then we at least understand. We may not live next door to his friend but they call each other and are really making a go of their friendship. So yes there is hope you just have to look else where for it sometimes.

 

Carole

[Deblegs]

Dear All

 

I understand how you all feel. It isn't nice being rejected. I have been rejected by people in the world and Christians. It can't be easy being rejected because you have a child with an ASD. It is not you that has the problem. It is other people.

 

My Mum said to me to be true to myself. She also said that if I don't have a friend, it is not my fault.

 

However I do have a small circle of friends who accept me as I am. I go to a very nice traditional church and we are inclusive of people with disabilities and people who are different. Mind you we are all different. God's love is unconditional and he loves and accepts everyone. Human love is conditional. My friends express the love of God towards me.

 

I may be set in my ways, and have narrow choices etc, but it doesn't harm anyone.

 

There are a lot of positive traits of Asperger Syndrome and people need to see these and not major too much on the negative traits.

 

None of us are perfect in this world.

 

From Debbie

[nellie]

Well said Debbie,

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

I have sent you an e-mail. Good to hear your birthday celebrations went well.

 

Nellie.

[CarolJ]

Here here Debs!

 

Debs, these Christians I am talking about live in some kind of community "brotherhood of something or other". Their children arent allowed to play with others outside their community. So I dont think its personal, its just the way they are. I know in some cultures they view disability almost as a punishment for past sins and it is frowned upon.

 

Your words about God loving everyone are spoken like a true Christian . I personally do not go to Church, Scott would scream the place down and we would probably be "asked to leave", I personally believe you treat people as you yourself would like to be treated.

 

I wish I had faith, I believe in life after death but do not follow a religon. There are too many wonders in this universe for there not to be "something". I just wish I knew what!

 

I dont think we are meant to know all the answers. I have enough trouble understanding my kids ASDs.

[darbo]

This is my first post!

 

My son is waiting for his first assessment for possible aspergers. But the last post about religon brought back bad memories. My mum suffers with bipolar disorder and when she has a manic/psycotic episode she goes very deeply into religon. She thinks that angels visit her and that she is one of jesus's disiples. As a child she would drag me around to any church she could find. I remember how the so called christians would snigger and call her behind her back. It was very upsetting for me. I still beleive in some sort of spiritual existence and i bring my children up to beleive in jesus i have also met some very nice and supportive christians(very clear to say that not all church attendees are the same) but those past experience's have just put me off church for life!!

[bid]

Hi Darbo,

 

You will always find a warm welcome on this site!

 

It's just the best place ever for advice, help and support...you will feel that people really do care! <'>

 

Bid

[bid]

Debbie,

 

That was a wonderful post!

 

Bidx

[CarolJ]

Hi Darbo

 

Welcome to the "mad house".

[nellie]

Welcome Darbo

 

Nellie.

[darbo]

Thank You for all your warm welcomes!!

[~Jonathan~]

Reading these posts has brought a lot of things back to me. I was NEVER included in anything at school even though I was well-behaved. I think my AS came across anyway in my mannerisms, demeanour and the way I hold myself, even when I was trying to be like those around me I still came across as cold and aloof and more than a little strange I feel. My Mum (even now) believes that I do the things I do out of spite, that she must have been a bad mother and 'what will the neighbours think?' She says some very hurtful things to me when I go off on one, she'll say "they all talk about you, you know? They think you're badly beahved and common" and I try and explain I can't change what I am but I do think she thinks it's an act of some sort. It's not a very good act though, as it's alienated and isolated me for 31 years! Methinks I need a new repertoire