Playground socialisation

[zaman]

Hi

 

My AS son started at school last September, and unfortunately didn't know anyone in his class when he started as he didn't go to the nursery attached to that school. I watched him a couple of times during breaks, and he just seemed to plod around the playground holding his TA's hand. I had a meeting with his teacher and TA, and asked if she could please try and do something a bit more active with him, such as brokering games between him and other kids, perhaps getting to the point when she can withdraw her immediate intervention.

 

When we met up again last month I asked how this was going, and the answer was not very well, as he tending to want to just play with his TA and keep her to himself. I suggested the possibility of the school introducting a buddy system so that he could cope if she withdrew (not just for him, but perhaps something that other kids would benefit from), and the answer that I got was that it wouldn't work for him as other kids found him 'boring'. He is five years old for goodness sake! He has a severe speech delay which means that verbal communication is hard work for him as his receptive/expressive language is that of a 3 year old, so he does struggle with other kids when on his own. (I am chasing SALT, but because education still haven't written up his statement, he doesn't yet have a statement in place of which I know that is a part).

 

That remark knocked the stuffing out of me for the rest of the meeting, so I need to regroup and prepare for the next meeting (which I will take someone else to with me!)

 

Has anyone had any successes with dealing with playground socialisation and AS kids? I am aware that this whole area is a tough one for kids on the spectrum - and I am also aware that perhaps I am making too big an issue out of this, and trying to get a AS square peg in a NT round hole - he probably doesn't care nearly as much as I do about this.

 

Thoughts?

[hev]

that remark would also knock the stuffing out of me,i think the buddy idea is very good they do it in a lot of schools round here and it seems to work well,no advice really,someone wiser will be along soon,take care love hev

[Tilly]

When dd was in reception I remember her walking around the yard by herself but I wouldn't say she looked unhappy, but I came home bawling my eyes out and I use to make myself ill by going round to see if she was playing or not.

 

Dd TA came out she would run to her and walk with her for the rest of the playtime quite happily. In the end it was my husband who put it into perspective by saying it was only 15 minutes out of the whole day [dd came home for lunch so the lunchtime playtime was not an issue] and she was quite happy to be out there.

 

Does your little one seem quite happy to be with his TA or do you think he would rather be with his peers. My dd had her older sister in the yard but still did not really bother with her either.

 

I think the remark said was rather negative. At the time dd had very little speech but I found the older girls wanted to mother her for it, but she was having none of it. Are there any toys or equipment in the school yard, there should be for foundation age. Maybe the TA could get a little game going or something.

 

Tilly

[jb1964]

My daughter is 12 and all through primary school I worried and worried about her because she never played with anyone - I used to have visions of her standing by her self sad and lonely it was heartbreaking. Every time I visited the school I would ask is she bothering with anyone - and I would always have yes she occasionally is with the other children at break times but I wouldn't worry about it (she's only recently been diagnosed with AS - slipped through the school picking it up as they thought she was the quiet shy type) they would say that if I was that worried why not invite children to the house to get her to socialise more! (as if I already didn't).

 

I would ring parents and ask if their children could come over and they may come once or twice but then it was always millions of excuses and they never offered her to go to their house - which used to cause a problem as very often if someone was at the house she would ask 'can I go to your house next week?' and I would have to explain that it was rude to ask you must wait to be invited - which she never was (well she was just oncel).

 

As Tilly said about the other girls wanting to mother her - my daughter had this through early primary - they would always want her to play the baby in whatever game they were playing - which she absolutely hated and would get very upset about.

 

Having said all that my daughter believes she has 'friends' in school and I wouldn't take that away from her but they are definitely not what I call friends. She has had girls call for her occasionally in the past to go out which she very rarely does and I usually find they call on her as a last resort when they had no one else to play with because they know I will invite them in, cook tea etc. This has fizzled out since she's gone to secondary school - there was one particular girl in school that was very patient with my daughter and I really encouraged her to ring her and keep in touch all the time - however, unfortunately, once they get to 12yrs the other girls think it's not cool to bother with someone different - especially when boys start getting into the topic of conversation (which of course she's not interested in - unless they've got the new sims game or latest console etc).

 

For us - all in all I think no matter how much you try to get other kids to spend some time with your child eventually when they get older they all pull away. It's very very sad and there's not a single thing that we could have done to change things.

Edited March 2, 2006 by jb1964

[tmf]

Hi

 

My ds is exactely the same......i always ask who he played with a lunchtime and he always replied ' i played by myself'. After a few wks of the same reply, i asked him why he played on his own, his reply..'i don't have any friends because nobody likes me'. I just hugged and sobbed my heart out He looked at me blankly because i was crying. Since that day i do not question him, he likes to play by himself, in fact the school have set up a system where he has a choice of going out to play or going to the senco's office. He choses the office as does another child and they take turns playing on the computer. Apperently he goes outside for 5 mins for some 'fresh air' then goes and meets with this other boy.

 

I think if i am honest, it bothers me more than ot does him. It breaks my heart when i hear all the other kids come running out asking is so n so can come to their house. I have tried the inviting to my house as well and like jb, the invitation was never returned and after a couple of visits kept making excuses. Hard as it is for me, i have learnt to accept that i can't force ds to be friends with someone, he will take it at his own pace, and if he only has 1 friend at school then i am happy for him.

[Canopus]

What I want to know is, what is the real purpose of school playgrounds? Why does just about every primary school force kids to spend a certain part of their day in an unstructured session outside?

[curra]

How can a 5 year old be "boring"? It's really up to the teacher to present the buddy system in an attractive way to the children. I'd speak to her again and see what strategies she could use to change that perception in the class!

My son went to primary school in Scotland and he was always alone in the playground. When I asked him about it he usually said that he didn't want to be with other children and that he had "fun" running around by himself. I spoke many times to the teachers and the head abouth this but nothing was really done about it, as they saw him as a "loner" who was happy being on his own. At that time he was not diagnosed yet , so there was no special support for him put in place. When he was in primary 6 we moved to England and his new teacher was very supportive. She used buddies to help him integrate and this really made a difference to him! I'd say that it helped him not only to develop better social skills but to mature also. I'd recommend it in your son's case.

Take care

Curra <'>

[Bullet]

Does he like singing and rhymes? Would it help if the TA got a few other children and they and your ds could do some of those? Things like "Ring a Ring a Roses", "Row your boat" or anything he'd like.

[jen]

Hi Zaman

 

The TA needs training on how to socalise your child into the playground situation. In my sons school they got 3 older children to watch him in the playground and play with him. This was in addition to his TA being in the playground with him.

 

With children aged 5 years it is very easy to start games and encourage children to join.

 

Jen

[zaman]

Thanks for all your replies. I do know that I am making more of this than I should, but it breaks my heart when I see him so profoundly on his own amoung all the other kids. For me, his social isolation is one of the harder parts of coming to terms with his autism - but I know that I need to get over it and move on so that I can support him better. I taught him how to ask if he could join in when other kids are playing, but he says that they 'don't like him'. He can cope when it is catch, but when it involves acting out someone else's imaginary games, he doesn't get it, and starts to get stressed. So I know that he needs coping strategies.

 

I had a really good conversation the autism outreach worker today, and she has contacted the school to give them some pointers on helping him with this. She has asked that they take him and two or three other kids into the playground when no one else is there, and teach them various games - what's the time mr wolf, etc. And also to photograph what they are doing so that they have a little book in the classroom, which the teacher can then use to direct the class's play on occassion. She is also going to go into the school to see how they are getting on with supporting him on this and other issues next term. Hurrah - I have found a professional who cares!

[jen]

the outreach team give good advice and guidance to schools.

 

Well done for getting this sorted

 

Jen

[microsoft_admin]

my mum used to take me to the play ground when i was younger i would just sit on the bench and wait for all the other kids to leve and then i would play by myself

[pumpkinpie]

Have you thought about circle of friends, bit more structured there was a good item on it on teachers tv - its got a good write up on the internet.

i

[polkadotty]

I wonder if schools couldn't provide more stuff to do at breaktime - my son is great at doing things with things eg. sand pit, plastic cars etc, but an empty playground just sends him loopy - assumes anyone running around is 'after him' or 'attacking' him. I used to try giving him a toy that other kids would want to look at and come to talk to him about in the playground - when he was in school, that is. Could that work?