smiley Report post Posted March 21, 2006 Wanted to ask what you all thought about what happened today when i picked up M.. The TA (his afternoon 1-2-1) called me in. He'd had a fantastic morning (with SNA 1-2-1) and lunch but dreadfull afternoon. He'd kicked (so shoes had to be removed) and hit her most of the afternoon - shouting etc.... not great. But, it was her reaction thats worrying me. I was in the classroom for 40 minutes - all of that time she was being really very horrid about M (he was in the room, listening, and in tears). She was saying things like - he's malicious and devious and determined to upset her. She was saying she shouldnt have to be treated like that - thats not what she comes into work for etc... I didnt know what to say to her. I suggested getting hold of the AOW again - she's apparently coming in tomorrow. TA said she's not allowed to talk to her - that's just the head and M's teacher.... She said they've tried everything anyway (Visual supports were tried for 3 days - she stopped because they didnt improve his behaviour) and nothing works for M so whats the point.. This is the TA who was coming in during her lunch to support him, unpaid - so it's a very surprising reaction from her. She said 'If i really want to wind him up, i just ignore him, he hates that and shouts in my face, it really bugs him, it's great'. Now, considering im being VERY sensative at the moment - What would you make of all that????????? Do you think she was just having a bad day or should i do something about it? Is this disaffection?? Thanks xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tez Report post Posted March 21, 2006 (edited) She said 'If i really want to wind him up, i just ignore him, he hates that and shouts in my face, it really bugs him, it's great'. I don't think this is very professional and sounds like this might be the root of the problem. Why would she want to wind him up? I don't think you're being overly sensitive, sounds like totally unacceptable behaviour to me. I think I would have a tactful word with the teacher about the TA's concerns and stopping the visual supports and ask how they propose to progress in terms of support. See how the teacher reacts and play it by ear from there. I certainly wouldn't put up with a TA deliberately winding my son up no matter what the provocation. Edited March 21, 2006 by Tez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted March 21, 2006 Smiley <'> <'> <'> This is not on, it's bullying!!! It's unacceptable, I think strong words are needed. Nellie xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted March 21, 2006 Sounds like unacceptable behaviour to me too. Why would she want to wind your son up? she's there to support him, isn't she? Three days isn't long enough to try something and then just give up. What on earth was she expecting? In my opinion, the way how she spoke about him while he was there wasn't very good either. As Tez suggested, you really need to speak to the teacher or even the SENCO. It's a concern if the 1:1 has 'given up'. Annie <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 21, 2006 Sounds like she used your chat to have a free for all pop at your son I'm not sure what to advise other than what the others have said (talking to SENCo, HT etc) but I can tell you that you don't have to be very sensitive to be shocked at her attitude. I'd be absolutely livid. How you deal with this is important though, because in my experience the teacher's and staff all back each other up. Write it all down while it's still fresh and put it in a well worded letter hand delivered while you request a meeting with the SENCo and HT. She has no right to bully your son like that and her attitude is not only unsympathetic to his SEN's but also resentful and vindictive. If she was saying all this to your face (and presumably she would have been making some effort to be diplomatic ) I hate to imagine what she is really thinking and feeling. Lauren <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted March 21, 2006 Sounds like unacceptable behaviour to me too. Why would she want to wind your son up? she's there to support him, isn't she? Three days isn't long enough to try something and then just give up. What on earth was she expecting? In my opinion, the way how she spoke about him while he was there wasn't very good either. As Tez suggested, you really need to speak to the teacher or even the SENCO. It's a concern if the 1:1 has 'given up'. Annie <'> I think this is bad, lots of websites give info saying don't take comments from an AS child personally e.g.www.aspergerstips.com. The class teacher needs to deal with this urgently. I printed off some of the info from the website to help people at my school and my son's [ I'm a teacher with an AS child in my class and a son AS aged 8]. The TA sounds completely unsuitable but maybe she was having an off day[still not acceptable tho]. All the best, hope your child is ok. av16 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted March 22, 2006 (edited) Smiley, Reading your post made me feel very What really gets me is, the fact that she said all those things to you and you are his 'mum' did she expect you to nod and have a laugh with her about ignoring him. I certainly dont think you are being over sensitive, to be honest I dont know how you kept your hands off her!!!! but just as well you did manage to keep your cool and sort this out in a more responsible manner, one of which she is definitely not showing. Sounds to me like she has given up trying, and is taking the things that your son does personally. Strategies, ie.. visual timetables etc.. need to be consistent and not for 3 days, it probably has added to the meltdowns by not being consistent. I think the things she has said are absolutely awful. My son thrives when he feels he is 'safe' and 'understood', he certainly wouldn't thrive with a TA with an attitude like that. Why isn't she allowed to talk to the AOW? thats what they are for!! http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=3829 Hope you get this sorted Smiley <'> Brook Edited March 22, 2006 by Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Smiley, This is totally unacceptable! The TA is supposed to know about AS and not talk about your son in front of him in such a hateful way. Words like "malicious", "devious", "it bugs him" etc show that she's not very professional and is taking your son's behaviour as a kind of personal attack against her. If she feels that she doesn't come to work for that, or that there's no point in her work, she shouldn't tell you about it but she should sort it out with the HT or whoever is her boss. Seems to me that she is disaffected with her job and taking it on your son. I would definitely talk to the senco or the HT and demand that your son receives support from a TA with knowledge of AS. Hope your little one is OK. Curra <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted March 22, 2006 I think that I would be speaking to the Head about a few things here. 1. First of all to talk to you in this manner is totally unacceptable. Would she like to walk a mile in your shoes? Maybe she should try it and then see how she felt if someone came along with a spade and tried to bury her. 2. There is no way that she should be talking about your son in front of him. If your son is anything like either of mine once he has heard someone being nasty about him he will remember that for some time to come. Mine both have the memories of elephants when it comes to talking out of turn about them. How can she expect any respect after talking about the child in such a terrible manner in front of him? 3. To try something for three days and then stop would be laughable if it was not so infuriating. 4.Perhaps the biggest issue is seeing as this person (I am trying to restrain myself at the moment) is your sons LSA then she should certainly be included every time the AOW visits the school. This smacks of the school not really wanting the AWO to know who it is who actually does the 'hands on' stuff with your son. Maybe if the team could tell her that 3 days is not even long enough to register with a child with ASD that something has changed, she would have a greater understanding - although I doubt it. This is one very good reason why support for our children needs to be trained to a very high standard. <'> Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted March 22, 2006 She said 'If i really want to wind him up, i just ignore him, he hates that and shouts in my face, it really bugs him, it's great'. Can't add anything to the advice already given but, next time this horrible woman comes talking to you saying such awful things, give her some of her own medicine, ignore her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted March 22, 2006 (edited) No wonder youre son lashes out at her. If she says this when youre there whats she saying and doing when youre not around. Shes sounds like a total bloomeing idiot if you ask me.Id bloomeing boot her if i was him also. Kids arent stupid they know when someone isnt realy on there side or doesnt understand them no matter whether there Nt or AS. She wants kicking out of her job. Ive found that when dealing with our As son Empathy is the most important thing going above all else,not judeing,not taking what he says to heart and trying to understand and accomodate all his little ways.Hell fire if we can do this at times 24/7 she can bloomeing do it for the relativley short period of time at school if she cant sack the cow. Stuff like this p*sses me off . Too many people doing jobs theyve no bloomeing interest in at all just wage slaves and thats not good enough when its disabled kids involved. Edited March 22, 2006 by phasmid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Lord .........this is not on, totally agree, Carole has said it all I,d be bloomin furious..........winding him up on purpose ???........I think I,d be seeing the head, and tonight printing off all the info I could find on ASD and highlighting lots of relevant points .............smiling sweetly and saying "I think you should take a look at these I,ve printed off for you" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justamom Report post Posted March 22, 2006 No wonder youre son lashes out at her. If she says this when youre there whats she saying and doing when youre not around. unquote:- Thats true Paula, don't leave this one Simely its totally unexcepatable.. How dare she wind a kid up on purpose and then he gets the blame for it. justamom Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Hi all, Thank you for all your replies - glad it's not just me - i wanted to her as well I had a quick chat with SNA this morning (she's the morning 1-2-1), just saying little one didn't get much sleep, explained a little about what happened yesterday, which made him very anxious, but i was feeling a bit so didn't go any further. Hubs came along when i went to pick M up. The idea being i would have a chat with TA (afternoon 1-2-1) - and let her know i was not happy about her attitude towards M yesterday.... Then speak to Head about it. When we arrived, the TA vanished out of the room . Teacher told me M has had a fantastic day/afternoon and began to tell me how caring and loving he's been. Very OTT and full of smiles. Me n Hubs faces = . I said i wasn't happy with the way TA was describing M (she was in the room when TA was talking to me yesterday) as malicious and i wasn't happy that the TA had found a way to 'wind him up'..... We got lots of 'Oh, no, no that's not what she meant' 'Scuse me, but it ###### was!!!!! - I may be slowly loosing my marbles - - but my hearings fine!! TA came back into the room and told me all about M's fantastic afternoon - what a wonderful child he is....... Lots more of this between me and hubs. THEN they tell us how the AOW came in this morning and has given them lots more strategies..... and that the SNA and AOW had chatted for a long time about 'how to handle M'. ....... Lots of reading between the lines and guess work, but it felt like the SNA told the AOW about what had gone on..... who in turn has bol***kd them. Hmmmmmmmmmm... Anyhow - i have a meeting with Head/SENco and Ed Psycho - so i'll mention it ( ) then.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted March 22, 2006 But, it was her reaction thats worrying me. I was in the classroom for 40 minutes - all of that time she was being really very horrid about M (he was in the room, listening, and in tears). She was saying things like - he's malicious and devious and determined to upset her. She was saying she shouldnt have to be treated like that - thats not what she comes into work for etc... I didnt know what to say to her. I suggested getting hold of the AOW again - she's apparently coming in tomorrow. TA said she's not allowed to talk to her - that's just the head and M's teacher.... She said they've tried everything anyway (Visual supports were tried for 3 days - she stopped because they didnt improve his behaviour) and nothing works for M so whats the point.. This is the TA who was coming in during her lunch to support him, unpaid - so it's a very surprising reaction from her. ######! If I was to spaek to a parent like this I would expect to be looking for a new job pretty flipping quickly! There is no way, no way AT ALL that these comments should have been made to you by the TA. If they have a problem coping with your son then she needs to ask for some advice on what SHE is getting wrong. She said 'If i really want to wind him up, i just ignore him, he hates that and shouts in my face, it really bugs him, it's great'. If this is the attitude she is treating your son with then you cannot blame him for reacting the way he is towards her. For crying out loud she is supposed to be the adult here, she sounds more like a 4 yr old! As already advised you need to get this into a letter and send it into the head asking for an explanation...and ACTION to be taken at once over this. The fact she said all this when your son could hear every word is disgraceful. Your son should not, no matter what, be having to put up with this. HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT....PLEASE! If you want help with the letter pm me. A very angry, furious and livid Phas Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Hi smiley...we posted at the same time. Do NOT wait to complain about this. She knows she was wrong, her reactions today are proof of that! Talk about back-pedalling! You need to complain in writting and to do it now. This cannot be left. Strike while the iorn's hot and all that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Phas - We crossed posts I don't know what to do... This TA is usually fantastic. She used to come in during her free lunch time just to support M. I don't want to go bonkers and throw a strop - because, she's has (in the past) been great with M. BUT, i dont want this to continue - it's put doubt in my mind now and made me wonder if she's one of the problems behind M struggling so much in the afternoon. I know him - if he senses that attitude he will be a very unsettled little boy...... ARGH. What do i do??! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Complain. There is clearly a clash of personalities here. The attitude dislplayed yesterday is unforgivable and simply cannot be ignored. If nothing else you need to get this thrashed out so that it never, ever, happens again (to your son or anyone else's come to that). If she honestly believes that he is behaving like this out of spite then just how ASD aware is she? There would appear to be some issues that she needs to have spelt out to her. I think your going to have to have 'clear the air meeting' over this if nothing else. What you mustn't do, IMO. is allow it to go unaddressed. A letter to the head is called for I think. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Hi Smiley, I agree with Phasmid. The school need to have it on record that the 1:1 is behaving the way she is with your son. Annie <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted March 22, 2006 Hi Smiley, Judging by their very OTT friendliness today, it's obvious THEY KNOW that the TA has dropped a rather huge clanger. It's easy to be fooled by patronising smiles and niceties!! I know all too well, I've been there and fallen for it hook, line and sinker!! NEVER WOULD FALL FOR IT AGAIN!! But the damage has already been done, you need to know that when M is there he is being given positive support, they have now put suspicions that this is not 'always' the case! Yes, they are most likely right when they say that M had a really good day today, Hmmm, I wonder 'why', maybe the fact that everything has been put in place and they have tried their best for him today, and why would that be, maybe guilty consciences. When my son was in school he had a lovely TA, she really was a lovely person, but if she ever had said those things to me about my son, she would never have got away with it. Oooh, I still feel cross when I read your post again. You really dont need this do you. <'> I would certainly take phas up on his offer. Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted March 22, 2006 TA have got a very difficult job to do. However, remember the damage she has done to your son or could do in the future. Write that letter so you all know how to support your son. Speaking about your child the way she did is not right. Saying the same thing infront of your son means there are big issures that need to be addressed. Write that letter today. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Yes the TA has a difficult job to do. Often the role is far more than people realise it is and it can be truly demanding mentaly. I know...I am one. There have been children I work with who have driven me around the bend but, and it's a very big BUT, professional attitude should mean they should never, ever know it. That would be unforgivable. When working with children, any children - SEN or not, there are some things you just do not do - running the child down in front of them being the first and foremost of these. What this TA did is not acceptable. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Even if the TA regrets what she has said to you she said it and at the time meant it - she can't back track now. I agree with Phasmid you should still formally complain. The TA may usually be very nice BUT maybe she just showed herself in her true colours Also you may be able to give her a second chance but what about your son? He had to listen to so awaful stuff about himself not nice for any child Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Even if the TA regrets what she has said to you she said it and at the time meant it - she can't back track now. I agree with Phasmid you should still formally complain. The TA may usually be very nice BUT maybe she just showed herself in her true colours Also you may be able to give her a second chance but what about your son? He had to listen to so awaful stuff about himself not nice for any child Carole I agree with this. I've been mulling this one over. It raises an issue that I bet many of us have had. Something occurs regarding our children at school, we see the injustice etc, but then are disarmed by them (teacher etc) putting the charm on. This has definately happened to me. As human beings it's really hard to stand your ground with someone who is being nice. But then you give it some thought and you realise the enormity of what they have actually done in the first place; and at this point we start to question ourselves. Are we being paranoid? Is the stress clouding my judgement? It can get really confusing. That's the fab thing about this forum, in that it can help us see things objectively and decide whether this is a time to act or not. I was about to say we should always go with our instincts, but then I thought if I'd done that every time I probably would have walloped somebody by now It's not a laughing matter though. I think you should act on this one, everything what you've said she said is really disgusting, and I don't think it matters how nice she was before or after the event, as Carole pointed out, she was obviously stressed and showed her true colours. Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Phew - what a day! We had a meeting already arranged with EP et all today so i took the opportunity to say something about it (with a quick shove from my fantastic IPS ). I felt incredibly awkward - i was squirming, soooo uncomfortable. But, i was pleased with myself in the end . Teacher agreed with what was said and that it was out of order.... Head/SENco did her usual of looking at me like i am crazy and said something along the lines of 'I'm sure it wasn't all that bad'..... . Very uncomfortable when i went to collect him - the TA gave me such a dirty look. Phas - could i take you up on the offer of helping to write a letter pleeaasseeeeee I want this documented - further evidence that the school cannot cope and all that............ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Course you can, I offered. Write a draft of everything you want to say and pm it. Can't promise to get back to you tonight but we can have it done for Monday morning. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 23, 2006 Thanks Phas <'> And some more for everyone else... <'> <'> <'> <'> Thanks xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 27, 2006 Oh Help you lot!! I'm having a dreadful time trying to even write something in draught up for this complaint - i can't seem to find the words. I want it to be more about getting a responce from them to indicate they cannot cope / need help with M rather than a full-on attack on the TA. So far, all ive got is...... Following our meeting on Thusrday 23rd March, i am writing... AND THATS IT!!! I can't figure out how to word it...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted March 27, 2006 (edited) Following our meeting on Thursday 23rd March, I am writing with regards to my son M..... In light of recent events, which were discussed at the meeting, I am becoming increasingly aware that M is now requiring increased support at school for him to be able to access his education. Due to M's SEN, he is finding the daily school life very difficult to cope with, and his reactions to the stress can often be misinterpreted as deliberate disruptive behaviour. I now strongly feel that M needs further strategies and support put in place for him to be able to cope within school. ............................... Sorry Smiley, I dont know if you are talking about getting him a statement? or what your aim is. Also sorry if the above sounds a load of old tosh. Could add more, but dont know what outcome you are after? I'm sure Phas will be along soon, to give you some proper advice. Brook Edited March 27, 2006 by Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
