advice and/or opinions

[Flora]

Quick background. There are a couple up the road from us who me and Terry got friendly with when we first moved to the village. He has two kids from his first marriage who spend half their time with him. The two kids are the same age as my boys so we spent alot of time together. I looked after his boys all last summer when he was working and they've spent countless weekends at our house.

 

Things started to go wrong though last autumn. William was used as the scape goat for every single spatt and even this couple were putting everything down to 'William having an episode'. Then last autumn this couple 'sat me down' and told me that they thought William 'played on the fact he has aspergers'. Things came to a head earlier in the year and I made the decision that enough was enough, we don't need friends like that. These boys were being really derogatory about William and even were nasty to him online (on Runescape). We went for a walk with them in early January but William went on a seperate walk with his stepbrother (he doesn't like crowds) and one of these boys asked me in a really sneering way 'oh is William on his own again?' with raised eyes and everything. I thought that was coming from the parents not from a child. Then at the February half term the boys were dropped off at my house so their dad could go for an interview and he didn't pick them up until 24 hours later. He didn't say thank you or anything and I felt really used, particularly as he got the job and a couple of weeks later they invited some other mutual friends over for dinner but not us (these friends were introduced to them by me and didn't go because they thought it was odd that we hadn't been invited too). I know this sounds petty but it's the culmination of all the other things as well as this unpaid babysitter scenario. There are many more incidents that I could mention but it would take too long.

 

Anyway, after nearly 2 months of no contact we got a call this morning from the youngest boy asking if they could come over. So I said we'd ring back. After a bit of thought and discussion we rang back to talk to their dad and told him that we were too busy today but that they could ALL (I'm not allowing myself to be an unpaid babysitter anymore)come over this evening for a couple of hours; the kids can play and the grown ups can have wine and nibbles. I thought it fair to give it another go but I don't know how to play it if things go wrong again.

 

Has anyone else had troulbe with friends because of their bad attitude towards your child? Should I speak my mind or just let it go and forget about them if things go wrong again?

 

Just want to add that when we first met we would get together with all the adults and kids; but as time went on it was mainly that the kids would be dumped on me (for whole weekends at a time) while this couple made their house perfect and enjoyed nights in the pub.

 

Lauren

Edited April 8, 2006 by Lauren

[bugbug]

Hiya

 

It really grates me when I hear storys like this. I made friends with a parent at school who was so interested and understanding about my sons behaviour. She couldn't stop asking questions which I found really wierd but didn't see anything too wrong at the time.

 

It wasn't long though before it was all thrown back in our faces. Her daughter started teasing my son and getting him to act inappropriately in school, egging him on constantly and then telling on him. It was so pathetic and I brought it too light but I think a little knowledge with some people is a bad thing and unfortunately I feel like I've had my fingers burnt now and I'm keeping a bigger distance from the other parents in case it happens again.

 

I really feel for my son, as he has help at school his behaviour is picked up on immediately which is a good thing as social storys etc are made up in no time and are quite effecctive with him but I've had to go into the school and say I don't just want his behaviour noting at the time but what happened to him prior, unless they tackle the before the event it will not come to an end.

 

I think you have done the right thing inviting them all round. I completely have closed all communication with the parent at school and although I'm not bothered, no great loss it has made things uncomfortable at school during school runs.

 

Hey Ho. I've been told to build up my skin thickness and intend to get it bullet proof!

 

Like you say we don't need friends like that.

 

bugbug

[SkyBlue]

Lauren, to be perfectly honest it sounds as if these people know exactly what they're doing and are completely using you purely to look after their kids when they have noone else to turn to. They also seem to totally misunderstand AS - judging from the comments about your son 'playing on his AS'. I'm sorry but that sort of remark doesn't come from someone who is uninformed, but rather from someone who is ignorant and spiteful.

 

I know I have ony been a member here a short while, but I have spent a lot of time on here in the few days I have been a member, and you seem like a very kind, helpful person. In my opinion, these people are taking advantage of your good nature.

 

I respect you for wanting to be mature about it in inviting them over, but I know I personally, would need to attempt to resolve the matter if a true friendship was ever to be forged. I think once these people come into your home, you will actually feel quite a lot of anger and resentment towards them.

 

So my reaction would be to be extremely welcoming and kind, but to get my points across about what upset you. I mean you never know they may really respect your honesty and apologise - i hope this is the case, but from what you've said about them i'd be surprised!

 

At the end of the day, do you and your son need friends like that? Do you need people to come into your home who you cannot be honest with? Do you need friends who seem to have an uleria motive behind your friendship (in the form of an unpaid babysitter)?

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out well for you and William. Take care, and remember just do what you feel is best for you and your little boy

 

Hope that made some sense!!

Niki

[pingu]

Hi Lauren.

What a difficult position to be in. And yes i have also been in a situation similar to yours. We got friendly with a family in the other street to ours, they had 2 children we have the three. Both our boys were the same age, and both of our girls only had a years difference in age, so that left kieran pretty much on his own whenever they played together, but that didnt really matter as he prefered it this way. Anyway the summer before last we were all getting on great, although it pained me to watch how the father of this family controlled everything, his kids/wife/topic of converstaion etc. We were asked to watch there kids from time to time whilst they went away to parties (some of these were overnighters) which we always did, Then we noticed that some of our sons belongings had gone missing, we set a trap for the next time they all came over, to cut a long story short i caught him stealing, knowing just what his dad would do to him if i mentioned this, i had a word with him instead, After this there eldest lad would be huffy and grumpy if he was brought over, things went from bad to worse and the last party we had (which i allowed them to come to) things went horribly wrong.

It was my daughters birthday and this boy sulked from the start, since we had ALL our family here and some friends (dont have as many of those as we do family) i wanted things to go smoothly, but 2 hours into it, The father (sick of his sons long face) Dragged him off the edge of the bouncy castle and marched him home. The dad returned 15 minutes later boasting (in front of everyone) how he had "kicked him up the stairs" and he was now sat on his bed, locked in the house alone ! After another 2 hours and lots of begging on our behalf the mum went to see if he was ok. It turned out, the lad had taken a smacking before been told not to leave the bedroom, and if he did his dad would know about it, as he had put the house alarm on (so would hear it) and he had been stuck in there for 2 hours gagging for a drink, and busting for a wee. I was horrified.

 

I knew the dad had a temper, but this was when i realised they were no friends of ours, even the mum didnt protect her kids from him, and in the following months i saw this behaviour many times. To cut another long story short he has now left the family home and is not as angry but im still ravin with her, (she has moved the new boyfriend in) as she surely has very little in the way of maternal insinct.

Like i say this is not excatly the same situtation as yours, but there is one thing in common, and that is they only ask you to watch there kids when they want you to, i believe you are been used, and would not put up with it anymore.

It was hard for us to turn our backs on them and walk away, but i believe it would have been much harder to stay. Dont be used by anyone for anything, you will never get any thanx for it.

 

Be strong, i hope the situation resolves itself soon. <'>

 

Shaz

[Flora]

Thanks everyone

 

I am glad to get another perspecitve on this issue. Often it's hard to know if you are over reacting or being over sensitive; two things I am capable of doing!

 

Part of me wishes I hadn't invited them over, but on the other hand it will be a good test as to whether my belief about these people is right or not.

 

To be honest I would never have contacted them, but as they've made a move in our direction it would be churlish not to make one back; but I won't ever allow them to use me as a babysitter again so if that is trully what the 'friendship' was based on then it will soon be obvious. We have had some good times over the years, and this time last year I considered them to be fairly good friends; so for that reason I'm happy to give it another chance, but if it continues in the same way as it did earlier this year then I'll know what to do. I will certainly look out for an opportunity to broach the subject diplomatically.

 

Thanks all for your comments.

 

Pingu... Those people you mentioned sound awful.. that poor boy! I would have been alsmost tempted to ring SS!!! Don't know who was worse; the dad for doing it or the mum for standing by and not stopping him. Both as bad as each other maybe!

 

Lauren

[cmuir]

Hi

 

We've been on the receiving end of something similar. it's amazing how to start with people appear to be all very sympathetic and understanding ? that is, until a point!!! I'm afraid I tend to keep people at arms length. I'm still battling trying to get a diagnosis for my child, battling to make sure the school which my son starts this summer will give him the support he needs, and battling against CAMHS who have refused twice within six months to even see my son. I feel like I've got enough on my plate. Just don't need people like that.

 

Caroline.

[oracle]

I lost a friend because of her hubby who was an absolute bully with Matthew. I waited to see what my friend would do about this and she did nothing. That made the decision for me.

 

Her son is going the same way as his Dad and 'she' is the one being sent for by the school on a regular basis now But they can't blame any of this on Matthew now as he neither goes to school with this child or sees him anymore.

 

Carole

[melly]

I am lucky to have a great health visitor, who when i moved area came and visited me lots. We discussed how very few of my old friends had bothered to make an effort to keep in touch and she shared her opinion of freindships with me. It is advice I often go back to and think about in a similar situation.

 

Friends come in three varieties, freinds for a time, freinds for a reason and freinds for life.

 

As such if a freindship only lasts a summer, say, and turns out not to be what you thought of it, don't feel down on yourself about it. Take it as a freindship of a bygone era and move on. Don't let people treat you how you don't want to be treated just for the sake of a 'freindship'. Freinds will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

 

So to all those who have been treated like poo, move on, head high and good luck,.

 

Like I say its something I am trying to practice, am not perfect at it yet, but am still trying!!!

[rainbow queen]

very true melly

[Flora]

Well it's all got sorted out in the natural course of things. They were supposed to come round about 6 and didn't turn up. Then at 7.40 he rang and said they'd be round soon as they were waiting for the boys mum to call. Then at 8.15 he rang again and said that the boys were too tired now could they come round tomorrow instead. Terry said you'd better talk to Lauren about that and handed the phone to me. He was laughing apologetically and said 'I'm sorry, they are just too tired, can I send them round tomorrow morning?'.... I just laughed back at him and said 'sorry no you can't. This is just one more incident in a long line of things that have happened and I'd rather just leave it at that. Good bye', and hung up. Silly pratts. I don't need unreliable cr*p people like that. I've got some close friends who would never dream of treating anyone like that. It's a huge relief, I got to say what I wanted to say and lose the agravation all in one go.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I'm not sure this was an ASD issue, more a 'cr*p people' issue.

 

Lauren

[annie]

<'> Lauren <'>

 

I'm sorry it turned out the way it did.......but, good for you for handling it so well .

 

Annie

xx

[baddad]

Hi Lauren--

 

I think ALL relationships should be equal... sometimes, our kids want things so much (and we sometimes want them too) that we find ourselves compromising on that 'equality' principal because we don't want to lose what we've got... At the end of the day, friends who DON'T want/aren't willing to accept friendship based on mutual respect aren't actually friends...

Funny thing is, when you call them on it it's always THEM that feel like they're being treated unreasonably - but then that's probably why things have gone to kak anyway!

Well done you for sticking to your guns...

 

L&P

BD

[justamom]

Hi Lauren, sorry it had to end up this way, good on you for saying no!! From the sound of it he was probably just looking for a glorified baby sitter and you can't really call that friendship...

 

Do you think that he had no intentions of coming round tonight and probably was going to send his boys round in the morning for you to look after??? Anyway you are better rid of them now, your friendship will be appreicate elsewhere.

 

Justamom

[Suze]

Sorry I,m late to your thread Lauren............but if,d I,d been around yesterday I,d have said............. Lauren hunny bun......these people are,nt friends..........theyre users ...........I,d never put upon any body like that with my kids.........not even my mum .You did the right thing........... .............and poor William will be better off without them too

[Flora]

Thank you everyone

 

I feel much better today as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We were just saying yesterday was a sort of experiment (giving the benefit of the doubt) and proved that we were right all along. It's a huge relief now to have them out of our life and to have spoke my mind. Now we can draw a line under the whole thing.

 

Lauren

[asereht]

Lauren,sorry I am late to this thread but it's looks like you followed your instincts and came through.Well done on how you handled the whole issue.

[Flora]

I don't want to be harping on about this subject. But how unbelievable is this? The youngest child has just rang up to see if he and his brother could come over??? Someone is dialing the number for him. Good god.

 

Lauren

[asereht]

Looks like these people don't just use their friends but their children also!

[Guest hallyscomet]

Lauren,

 

Sorry I am late to this thread too. Been there done that too.

 

This waste of space is a born user, I have had my fingers burned like this too. Your instincts are already telling you..... "its okay to say NO" he will just keep on taking advantage of you.

 

This friend of my daughters who also only lives a few doors away would do that to us, drop her daughter off and say oh I will be back in an hour and then 6-8 hours and more later she finally turns up, often not until late in the evening, with no contact phone no. or anything.

 

One time I trusted my kids in her care when J was 6 and B 8 and she took them to the movies and left them there while she decided to go for a walk along Collaroy Beach. When the children came out of the Movie she wasnt there she arrived about 15 minutes later and then to top it off, she didnt even give B his medication, saying she was alternative and that he was fine he doesnt need it and said that she was into natural therapies and said I can give some good treatment so your son doesnt need to take these tablets.

 

She has proven to me over and over that she was using me for unpaid babysitting. You have to take charge of this situation and do things on your terms, as they will do it over and over.

 

Don't put up with it Lauren.

 

Hailey

[Mummy21]

Hi Lauren,

 

My first post but I just wanted to congratulate you on sticking to your guns.......... you go girl!!!!

 

The first NO is the hardest and you have passed that....

 

Joanne xxx