i feel hateful

[hev]

stevens foul mouth is really getting me down,he swears all day,if one thing dont go his way im told to p off,called a s***,i really cannot stick his mouth,if someone in the street spoke to me like that i would go mad but day in day out its like mental abuse from my son and i sit there like an idiot getting insulted and getting more and more down by the day,i have good days but not many,hes got a horrible attitude,how can i stop him swearing when he takes no notice of me,its the worst hes ever been,i feel really hateful today and i love him i just want the swearing and abuse to stop

[mel]

im sorry hev <'> i dont really have any useful advice. i know when my ds says things that are innapropriate or upsetting to me, it helps if i dont show any response. the novelty of getting a response soon wears off if he doesnt get one. i dont know if that is any help to you though

[Flora]

hev. You poor poor girl <'> I don't know if it would work, but could you ask for him to be referred for some sort of behaviour therapy? I don't know who would provide it, someone at CAMHS like the OT or someone. The awful thing about it is that evenutally it will chip away at your self esteem (if it hasn't already) and you will start to believe, on some level, all the awful things.

 

Lauren

Edited April 25, 2006 by Lauren

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Hev,

 

I had this problem with B to, it does wear you down. I know he cant help it and I used to let him get away with it to a point, but when my partner was around he overheard him talking to me in the usual manner and he got a shock when he said very politely, B. I dont think it is fair to talk to your mother like that, and he shut up.

 

I found when B was in a good mood I would sit down and say can we have a chat for a moment. I then plainly said B. I am feeling really sad and need to talk to you, it really gets me down when you talk to me like you did before...... I understand that you are feeling angry, but please dont take it out on me...... I am here trying to help you..... I feel....... B. usually responds with an apology and a hug, an said what was going on and how frustrated he gets, and usually says I know I have a real problem with anger, then we usually go over someways he can release it safely,like doing some weights, playing some favourite music, guitar, etc he feels bad in the end and tells me that I am the best mum in the world and sorry, I will try not to do that next time.

 

Then boom he goes and does it with his sister. Then I have to sit her down and calm her down and explain what she needs to do if she sees him in one of these moods, things are improving.

 

Just find a time after the fact, when the meltdown is over and he appears happy again. A word of advice though not when they are in the middle of a game or movie, interrupting that will cause another huge meltdown.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Need to do something to nurture yourself during those episodes, and remember its all part of ASD he had difficulties with this. good time to water the garden get some space. <'>

 

Hailey

[oracle]

The best reaction to this is no reaction at all and believe me I know that it's not easy to ignore. But by ignoring David totally and not giving a reaction he eventually realised that he was loosing. Terry found this so much harder than I and that is why, in my opnion, it took so long to stamp out - but when we both finally went on as if David has just said 'would you please stop doing that because I don't like it' instead of 'Who the f*****g H**l do you think you are you P***k' then the verbal abused stopped.

 

Now he has the nerve to tell Matthew not to swear, which is rich because Matthew learned it from him in the first place.

 

My Dad summed it up before he died bless him. He said ' A word is only foul or hateful if you allow it to be so' He also said that it's only offensive if the person hearing it considers it to be offensive, which I did - but when the words failed to evoke the knee jerk that David was looking for the swear lost it's appeal.

 

Steve appears to be having a bad puberty but it does get better Hev <'>

 

Oracle

[jb1964]

Hi Hev,

 

Really sympathise with you on this one. My daughter doesn't actually swear at me but talks to me disgustingly - I've tried the talking when she's calmer and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - depending on how receptive she is - she does occasionally apologise afterwards although other times she honestly doesn't even know what she has said or done is wrong - that frustrates me even more.

 

I have days where I cope better with her behaviour and days where I feel sick of hearing my voice - although I think with my daughter her puberty hormones on top of AS is a complete nightmare (or that's what I keep telling myself!!!).

 

Take care,

Jb

[hev]

well im back from town and did i do some serious retail therapy i brought myself a new mobile just for the fun of it,went and had lovely lunch,got 2 year old them swimming jackets which they wear in the water with floats on them and loads of other bits,steve phoned me to aplogise i said lets just start afresh and said how upset i get when he talk to me like it,all calm is resumed in the hev household,for now

[jb1964]

Hi Hev,

 

So glad it's calm at the moment - enjoy while you can.

 

Jb

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'>

 

You not stupid hev.Youre a mum who loves her son so takes what he throws at her.

 

My Nt daughter whoes 14 tells me to p!ss off many a time i react by telling her to go.................. youll get the picture. None of us live in perfect houses with everything all rosey.If anyone says they do there bloomeing lieing.

 

glad you enjoyed yer shopping.

 

hey are you like me i never ever ever bother to look at me bank balance i dont want me day spoiling coz its always bad news

[loulou]

Hi Hev,

 

<'> Hope things are better this evening. I know how you feel because Kai swears at me alot too and it really wears me down. I just wish it would stop, but don't know how to make it happen. At least Steve appologised to you, that's really sweet. Just remind yourself that he loves you and he doesn't mean any of it. Sticks and stones and all that!

 

Take care ,

 

Loulou xxxx

[JsMum]

Hi when J is abusive to me I turn all his words into really beautiful words back to him, so if he says

 

I hate you, I say I love you so just letting you know

if he carries on I just have a nice word ready to say back to him like oh ok well i think you are really wonderful son, i hear your angry, or bored, but I want you to know that i think your a great son,

 

J sometimes gets abusive because he feels insecure or scared or something at school went wrong and he needs a hug but been a bit embarrassed to ask just clear out I need a hug he starts as he cant just come out with it and this frustrates him.

 

It could also be a bit of what psychologist call projection, he is mean to you by saying the words that he might actually be thinking himself about himself so projects his feelings on to you, if this is what you dont feel is happening then i take that but sometimes people put others down to feel better about them selves.

 

 

I would erge you to take the suggestion about the possiblity of some behaviour management or therapy as he really needs to sort out what really is going on when he is mean to you, the one who loves him and cares about him the most and its well known that we hurt the ones that love us.

 

 

I would also talk to him as well and let him know that it is not very nice to call names and shout abusive words.

 

Some visual pictures of no abusive words in the house and some cards that would help him communicate that what actually what he really is after is a hug and some effection which I know you do but have you ever felt like a hug and not been able to tell anyone at that time.

 

So some signal or sign to indicate the need.

 

Hope things improve and yes it is very upsetting and I bet he feels just as bad afterwards.

 

JsMum

[Guest hallyscomet]

well im back from town and did i do some serious retail therapy i brought myself a new mobile just for the fun of it,went and had lovely lunch,got 2 year old them swimming jackets which they wear in the water with floats on them and loads of other bits,steve phoned me to aplogise i said lets just start afresh and said how upset i get when he talk to me like it,all calm is resumed in the hev household,for now

 

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> you did it so important to explain to them when things have calmed down. He needs to know how it makes you feel. I bet you feel soo much better. thats the thing just waiting till all is calm.... like the lady above said randomly telling them how much you love them or complimenting them really brightens them up, even little things like you have lovely eyes or your the best son in the world. I love retail therapy. wicked

[patrick w]

My son swears pretty badly at me and when out and about.... it does get me down often, especially in shops..but i know i can never confront him on the spot unless i want an escallation, but that has been hard. I have also had futile conversations about "how they are only words"..etc/... and "they find my swearing offensive , but i find their clothes and hairstyles offensive"...etc etc etc...... In a calm moment i have said that it get's me down and it is good to be able to control swearing in certain situations, and went through when some of those might be in his mind.... i also swear a bit, but do exactly this, and was trying to explain the aggression in swear words when used too often, and how others react to them....He genuinely says he cant help it or control it , and likes others swearing etc.... . Anyway, we were in a shop yesterday in Tooting and i accidentally let slip that the chillis we were buying were "mother****ing hot"..... And, he was really embarrassed , which was brilliant, cause i could finally get him to see how there are situations when one must tone it down or refrain...

Also, at that sort of age, the teenage thing could be kicking in, so tricky one to communicate that we might as parents actually have feelings and opinions. I swear he thinks i am a machine half the time....

 

It is a tricky one though...and isnt there a differnce between loving someone but disliking something they are doing.. i think it sounds as if it has really beaten you down to the point of aversion , and i think that would be pretty normal if you are facing that situation daily...

Edited May 14, 2006 by patrick w

[patrick w]

P.s I often feel abused ..... it is just so extreme sometimes..the level of care i have to provide and the outbursts..... Are his stress levels at a high level at the moment? My son is always worse when putting himself underpressure... and again, been a teenager is tough.... He nags at me because i dont wash up properly on bad stress days, or that the place is a s**thole.. it obviously overloads his senses, so i understand.... but he is a bit like a bullying husband, which is weird as i am a geezer myself ... especially when he is pathologically untidy...... he also grumbles about my cooking sometimes as well..... it can beat me down, but i try and work with his stress levels, as the complainng and swearing seems to be linked with this..and maintain my sense of seperateness.....

Edited May 14, 2006 by patrick w

[Guest hallyscomet]

Felix (AS, 13 and half), swears pretty badly at me and when out and about.... it does get me down often, especially in shops..but i know i can never confront him on the spot unless i want an escallation, but that has been hard. I have also had futile conversations about "how they are only words"..etc/... and "they find my swearing offensive , but i find their clothes and hairstyles offensive"...etc etc etc.....He is really stubborn. In a calm moment i have said that it get's me down and it is good to be able to control swearing in certain situations, and went through when some of those might be in his mind.... i also swear a bit, but do exactly this, and was trying to explain the aggression in swear words when used too often, and how others react to them....He genuinely says he cant help it or control it , and likes others swearing etc.... . Anyway, we were in a shop yesterday in Tooting and i accidentally let slip that the chillis we were buying were "mother****ing hot"..... And, he was really embarrassed , which was brilliant, cause i could finally get him to see how there are situations when one must tone it down or refrain... )

 

Timing is the key, waiting for them to calm down, and when they are in a happier mood, they are morerelaxed, and can listen, this is a great example. I wouldn't have thought achievable with my son, but it works, you feel really good when you see this, like you did Patrick

 

H.

[Paula]

Im glad youve beaten depression Patrick.Im currently invovled in the battle.

 

 

 

Hope youre fealing better today Hev.Is youre son back at school.

[justamom]

Bit late (forgot to pay the phone bill and was cut off) to this post Hev, i am glad Steve apologised to you and things are a bit better.....

 

Justamom

[patrick w]

blank

Edited April 27, 2006 by patrick w

[Paula]

Yes i get very very angry also.

 

Ive suffered from depression since my late teens.And was diagnosed with bi polar disorder finally at 30 after years of liveing in a nightmare.

I was on strong medication for 2 years but no longer medicate t that extent.

 

Im now on anti depressants and trying to do more positive things in my life stuff for me.

 

im fealing a bit better already.

 

 

 

Please note my bit is in answer to something Patrick posted hence the reason it now looks odd coz hes dleated his question and posting.

Edited April 27, 2006 by Paula

[asereht]

Glad things are a bit better Hev.shopping...great! I too find it's the abuse (verbal) that gets me down.I also find on a good day I can take it on a bad day I just can't cope and take everthing K says personally.I do agree with oracle though He used to constantly refer to me as B***h which really upset me but I started to ignore it and it stopped.

 

Now I'm only a B***h now and again

[hev]

hes back at school now,he had a good day at school yesterday,they wrote in his contact book they will never give up on him which i thought was nice as i constant worry about him getting expelled,hes going to mum and dads for weekend tomorrow so i can recharge my batteries!!

[Paula]

Glad hes back hev.

 

Have a relaxing weekend.