advice anyone please?

[lizzie]

Hi, my 11yr old with AS has been having a really bad time at comp school since last sept, everything has got steadily worse over this time and for the last 2 weeks he has flatly refused to go, he says he is never going back, he hates the school the teachers the other kids and the regime of school its self, I am right on the verge of taking him out of school and teaching him at home, I know this is a massive step and I was wondering if anyone had any advice or know of anyone else that has done this with thier kids??

[Paula]

The first thing you need to do if you are realy serious about home educating is to remove him from the registration list at his school.This way you wont be getting into trouble when he doesnt attend.

 

Im sure someone else will have loads of advice because loads of people on here home educate.i thought id bump the topic and keep it high up.

 

If hes realy realy unhappy id remove him from the school its not worth the agro and his distress.

[minerva]

I took my son out of school 3 years ago due to him being distressed there. My intention was not to home educate but to kick the LEA in the butt about finding him an appropriate placement.

 

He is still at home now 3 years later!!! I have very minimal patience with him around 24/7 and it is really hard work but I would rather have it this way than send him somewhere he is miserable!

 

It is my job to protect my children from pain & suffering so i would never send them somehwre consciously knowing it was causing them harm.

 

If you are going to make that decision to take him out of school you really need to think about it carefully and make sure that all other options have been exhausted. If i had been given another choice I would have lapped it up!!

 

Have you tried talking to the school? (although they arent always much help you may get somewhere)

 

If you truly beleive it is your only option then it probably is!!

 

Good luck whichever way you go

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Lizzie,

 

Normally I have lots to say but its getting really late for me its almost 10.30pm Aussie time you see.

 

It is very common at this age for school refusal and many parents find between the age of 11 & 12 when the children reach puberty something really changes in their child.

 

There are a lot of posts in Medications of "Risperdal" for those that choose not to home educate, it stops the meltdowns and a lot of the kids and parents say the child seems to have trouble communicating with peers so gets frustrated.

 

My sons Paediatrician highly recommends it as it give more mental energy to have a conversation.

 

Does this sound like your child.

 

Sorry it is late here so I will say go into Medications section on this forum you will see I have bumped a post called Risperdal, I suggest you read it as you will find reading the stories a lot of similarities in what you are saying.

 

A lot of parents that have tried Risperdal are amazed at how it helps. <'> <'>

 

Will post more tomorrow, if I think of anything else.

 

All the best

 

Hailey <'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Lizzie,

 

Have a good read through here looking at some of the behaviours and Risperdal hope this helps

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=638

 

Hailey <'>

[annie]

Hi Lizzie,

 

I took my son out of school as he couldn't cope and they couldn't cope with him either (he's 16 now). He is now doing Education Other Than At school. We managed to secure (after a fight with the school and LEA) an education package where Alex now does small group learning. There are only 5 or 6 students in each lesson. He is only doing 4 subjects over about 8 hours a week, but it working out great for him.

 

EOTAS could mean any kind of education ie home tutoring. The LEA do not like telling you that there are other options. We found out through our Parent Partnership, who can refer children for EOTAS.

 

In the meantime, if you have a supportive GP, I'd get a letter from them stating that your son cannot attend school due to stress, which it sounds like (I'm no doctor though ). We did this, it helps having it in writing from a GP/Paed as it is hard for school/LEA to dispute. Please keep copies of all letters. Once your son is signed off, it will give you more time to look into other options for his education.

 

Don't de-register your son from his school until you have something sorted out because the LEA will then have no legal obligation to educate him.

 

There are lots of people here that home educate that may be able to help.

 

Annie

xx

[lizzie]

Thankyou everyone who replied with advice for me, Ive had some really good info and suggestions from people, I sure wish I had know about this place before now, I have just been given more help in the last hour from the forum, as I have had in the last 7 months from school etc!!! Thanks again!

[oracle]

My own personal stance on this was that if I had to medicate my kids to get them to attend school then they were not going, because that meant to me that school was not making any effort to cope with them.I took both of mine out and de-registered them and have home educated them ever since. I have had David home from the age of 11 when he had a massive breakdown and became a total school refuser. David is now 18 almost 19. I have had Matthew home from being 5 years old he is now 9 years old. If you can cope with having them around 24/7 52 weeks each years then go for it. For us it saved our sanity and our family.

 

As long as your son is not in a special school with a statement it's pretty easy to take him off roll. However if you want some cool off time to see if you can get him to change his mind and foe the school to rasie their game then go and ask your GP for a sick note. It is a HUGE step to take but one that I have personally never regreted.

 

Please feel free to pm me if you wish.

 

Oracle

[minerva]

I have just been given more help in the last hour from the forum, as I have had in the last 7 months from school etc!!!

 

 

lol ditto

[lizzie]

My own personal stance on this was that if I had to medicate my kids to get them to attend school then they were not going, because that meant to me that school was not making any effort to cope with them.I took both of mine out and de-registered them and have home educated them ever since. I have had David home from the age of 11 when he had a massive breakdown and became a total school refuser. David is now 18 almost 19. I have had Matthew home from being 5 years old he is now 9 years old. If you can cope with having them around 24/7 52 weeks each years then go for it. For us it saved our sanity and our family.

 

As long as your son is not in a special school with a statement it's pretty easy to take him off roll. However if you want some cool off time to see if you can get him to change his mind and foe the school to rasie their game then go and ask your GP for a sick note. It is a HUGE step to take but one that I have personally never regreted.

 

Please feel free to pm me if you wish.

 

Oracle

Thank you so much Oracle, and everyone else, who has offered support, up until now I felt so totally isolated, I have no family(parents both gone)+ very few friends(they seem to avoid us!) until I joined this forum I was coping alone, thanks again to everyone for being there!

[Bagpuss]

Lizzie,

 

Cannot advise re comp school as we havn't had to face this yet. But wanted to say you are not alone and send <'> <'> <'>

 

Take care,

 

Debs

[Elanor]

Hi Lizzie

 

I'm glad you're finding help here - it's great to be able to tap into so much experience. Have you tried to find a local group for parents of children with Aspergers or Autism? The NAS might be able to help - it can really help you feel less isolated.

 

I don't think the issues here are about medication vs home-schooling - nothing in ASDs is that black and white. My son does take risperdal (for lots of very involved reasons) which helps him be able to benefit from school - although this doesn't excuse the school from making effort. Home schooling is simply not an option with us, and school is bearable at the moment.

 

If you feel that the school isn't working with you and making enough effort, and assuming you've not already gone down this road, then you'll find lots of help in the Education section. You could also contact the NAS education helpline or IPSEA (see jargon buster).

 

Take care

 

Elanor

[jb1964]

Hi Lizzie,

 

Sorry to hear you're having such a terrible time at the moment - once they refuse to do something there seems to be nothing at all that can persuade them.

 

My daughter started comp in Sept'05 (we didn't know at the time she had AS - although she'd had loads of problems).

 

Within two weeks of starting she was a complete mess - she was so anxious and stressed it was unbelievable - she was constantly screaming and crying and after having a sore throat (and becoming so aware of her swallowing process) she couldn't eat. She was referred to CAHMS by her Paed. at the xmas because her weight had become critical, and she underwent a 6mth extensive assessment period at their unit and home visits - eventually resulting in a diagnosis of AS.

 

The anxieties, tantrums, sadness, depression carried on day in day out and she refused/cried/screamed/hit and self-harmed (anything and everything) not to go to school until the following March when we managed to get her in a few mornings. The school agreed for her to go part-time til lunch time and bring work home for the afternoons (although that didn't always work), the Psych.Consult. asked the school to take PE out of the equation as well which they did (as that was causing further anxieties).

 

During the last review meeting at the school they agreed for her to flexi-school - school in the mornings and tutor in the afternoon (3 days per week for 1hr) - this way if she doesn't go to school (I'd say on average her attendance is about a possible 25-30% for mornings only) she gets some catch up from the tutor (I suppose we are lucky that she does want to work - more so though only in the subjects that she likes). At the moment because of her timetable she doesn't do Music at all and hates German and Welsh with a vengence (as she doesn't see the point in learning them - what point is there - I can understand her logic sometimes!).

 

I know the CPN/Consult. all told us that from 11-16 is the worst period in their lives - and that changing from primary (where everything is routine, one teacher/one classroom etc) to a more varied timetable, with different classrooms/teachers, more children/noise etc is so difficult for them. But they have told us to really try and hang on in there as next year she takes her options and I think she'll be allowed to just take the subjects that she likes and drop the others - this way would also give her more catch up periods in school if she's missed time.

 

We have I think been lucky with the school - up until now they have been very co-operative (she's not statemented) although before xmas they were really pushing for home tuition full stop (they wanted her off their books) - but our CPN pushed even harder for them to bend the rules as much as possible.

 

I think each child is unique and what suits one won't always suit another - but for the time being this is working for us - how long for I don't know - but each day she's in school she's developing (I'm hoping?)

some more social interaction and communication skills.

 

Hope whatever you chose works out for you.

Take care,

Jb

[patrick w]

Like Oracle's son David, my son Felix had a massive breakdown at 10/11 and became school phobic... you couldnt even say the word school/education without him freaking out... if you showed him a book to learn from , he threw it out of the window or ripped it up... That was nearly 4 years , he is around all the time.... but i dont for a second regret it..It's just different way of life that's all... He always struggled badly with the pressure of school, which he did for 6 or 7 years. For him, it was too much pressure to get through such a complex social set up as school..for others, they might thrive within the certainty and routine............ I felt i had been waiting since he was at reception to take him out of the system, as it always felt just 'wrong' and against my instincts for him to be such an enviroment. that confused him and unstteld him so badly.. However, if he is clever and stubborn , like my son.. then it may be that you will losse any control over education for him... my son gave up on tutors a long time ago and doesent do any formal learning.. He follows his own way, which seems to be in a creative vein...music, cartooning, reading, film history and script writing etc.. It does worry both of us a bit (my son and me that is), but he is about a thouasnd times happier than those sad years of 'paleness' and 'despair' that marked his school years.. Remember that it is quite traditaional in history for children to receive education at home or none ... this 'schooling' for eveyone is only a 20th century invention ( a very good one for most mind you). I am finding out like most of us, that there are many different ways of being in the World..........Another trouble for me is the busybodies and nosey parkers who are always tutting about him not been at school... They conveniently forget the head banging, semi-self harming , the awful tics and spitting and gutteral noises that he used to do through stress... his whole body looked unhappy... they forget that and just see an irresponsible parent and a 'crazy kid'......Some of them dispute he even has AS.....

[lizzie]

Hi Patrick, thanks for your reply, it really is a help to know that Im not on my own with this situation and Ive had some wicked advice from parents on this forum, the way you describe your son I can relate to, K is so very much like him in a lot of ways, I totally agree with you when you say that the childs happiness is as important as being forced into a situation that just causes misery and stress( ie school) The way I see things is, if a child is as stressed out and desperately unhappy as your boy sounds and mine is, then how can they be expected to learn anything anyway? If I was as miserable in my job as my son is at school, I would leave and get another job, why shouldnt our kids have another option? I have just about made up my mind what Im going to do(home ed) I feel quite alot happier about it since joining this forum and realising that loads of people home ed, and do a much better job of it than school. Thanks again for the advice it really has made a difference, wishing you every success and happiness with your situation. Lizzie.

[lizzie]

Hi, I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice, you lot are brilliant! So glad I came here! thanks again. Lizzie xxx

[bluejean-genie]

Hi,

Nat was 13 yrs old when he came out of school saying exactly what your son is saying. He now attends an interim tuition centre which is for children who cannot go to mainstream school.

It has taken him almost a year to feel able to attend for 3 days (two are 1/2 days)

He finds mixing with the children and staff still problematic but the staff are trying to be understanding. He was given a place there by his CAHMS specialist.

I have now been told that Nat will stay there till he leaves school as there is no way they will try to reintergrate him back into a mainstream school.

Since he has been out of mainstream, the terrible tempers have diminished a great deal and he seems happier now. So for us this has worked as before attending the unit he was totally anti-education and wanted to learn nothing. now he is talking about trying for GCSE's in Maths, IT and English. I hope this helps.

[lizzie]

Hi,

Nat was 13 yrs old when he came out of school saying exactly what your son is saying. He now attends an interim tuition centre which is for children who cannot go to mainstream school.

It has taken him almost a year to feel able to attend for 3 days (two are 1/2 days)

He finds mixing with the children and staff still problematic but the staff are trying to be understanding. He was given a place there by his CAHMS specialist.

I have now been told that Nat will stay there till he leaves school as there is no way they will try to reintergrate him back into a mainstream school.

Since he has been out of mainstream, the terrible tempers have diminished a great deal and he seems happier now. So for us this has worked as before attending the unit he was totally anti-education and wanted to learn nothing. now he is talking about trying for GCSE's in Maths, IT and English. I hope this helps.

Thanks Bluejean, I hadnt actually heard of tuition centres until I read your post, so its another option that I can take into consideration. Thanks again. Lizzie. xx