brooke Report post Posted August 31, 2006 (edited) last night my hubby was talking to his parents and the subject of our asd son was brought up. As usual they proceeded to tell us there is nothing wrong with him except the food he eats I am so sick and tired of this. I dont know why it has got to me so much this time because they are always saying stuff like this but ive had enough of it. They dont see him everyday or even every month and im sick of them blaming tv, food or computers for the way he is. If they had their way he would be force fed food he hates(they dont understand sensertive issues with food suprise) and no telly or comp. I dread to think what he would be like. The only things he enjoys are computers so what is the big deal if he plays on it. I think its so upsetting because my own family think this. Who else do we have apart from them? It feels like an insult to our parenting. I at least have my mum who is a godsend even though its just listerning (she lives far away) she understands and belives me. We have tried to explain to them that an ed phych and peadeatrician who are qualified professionals are hardly just going to diagnos something that isnt there but they just dont listern, or come up with another opinion. Well moan over hopefully il calm down soon!!! Edited by Montee to comply with forum rules Edited August 31, 2006 by Montee Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted August 31, 2006 It's really difficult when you have this within your family. I've kind of got the same thing but now they are begining to understand him better, mostly due to my sister having him for a week and nearly having a break down, everynow and again they will proceed to the oh he's just a kid, nowt wrong with him, you worry too much. My brother hassimilar problems to thatof my son and I think my mum at times feels like she let him down so will try and brush it off as she doesn't wantto feel bad herself, could that be similarto your family? Maybe if your family did see him more often then they might begin to understand butasyou've said they don't see him that often they prob don't see the little things you do which in time is what people begin to notice. Have you tried to educate them, although I think the best way to educate them is to allow them to see more of him. Sending you a hug <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PinkSapphireAngel Report post Posted August 31, 2006 I think everyone has someone (usually more than one) in their family like that. I don't know what makes them feel its helpful or nice to be told theres nothing wrong when you are the ones dealing with it everyday! My parents are not interested in my continuous fight for statement (not even sure they know what it is despite me constantly telling them about it and keeping them informed) My dad is more understanding about Luke's ways than my mother but I still get no response or even vague interest from him about it all. What makes it worse is my older brother is severely autistic and my mother has used this against me in various ways my whole life and even uses him against me with my own son (she gave dh a lecture about how we keep comparing Luke to my brother, TOTAL LIE and we have no idea about having a handicapped child etc) but she is not a normal or nice person anyway and is pretty much an alcoholic. WOW sorry, really didn't mean all that to come out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted August 31, 2006 yeah i think we all have family members who dont understand,i find it very hurtful though,my mum is brilliant and my sister is very good now,as for the others,my other lot can think what they like,they havent got a clue Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted August 31, 2006 HI stressed mum They have spent time with my son, over a week this summer (there are just gaps inbetween) this is the most annoying thing because they have seen him in full meltdown mode and just use the same excuses "he needs a smack or hes eaten sweets" icould remember once when he went mental over nothing and was kicking his granma shes seen it all and said NOTHING. Then i gave him a square (Like 1 square) of choclate and later he started kicking off again and she said OH ITS BECAUSE YOU GAVE HIM THAT CHOC I WOULDNT BE DOING THAT I sometimes think anything that he likes or enjoys they cant stand. i dont belive in making him miserable because of their veiws on sweets all kids deserve them sometimes PSA I know what you mean sometimes you just build stuff up and then it just comes out and you dont realise how much resentment and hurt they have caused. Hev I also find it very hurtful i think thats why im so cross they are meant to be my family but at least i have my mum and sister too even if they are miles away!!! Thanks for your understanding replies. At least on here people know what your going through. I dont mean to sound so negative its just been one of them weeks. Roll on school Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 31, 2006 Brooke, I've got to agree with the other replies and say many of us have relatives with these opinions. I'm lucky in the sense that ours have never said anything negative about us as parents or our dd (5 ASD), but we have had to deal with "oh, theres nothing wrong with her", "shes just stubborn", "shes just as strongwilled as you at that age" etc etc.....I could go on I think ours were doing it to reassure us, but it only ever made me feel worse, because I knew from very early on our youngest dd was a much more difficult child to parent than our others and I struggled some days to cope. Our eldest dd (8)also has AS, but has always been very passive and easy to parent. I think its a generation thing aswell.....parenting techniques have changed so much since our parents had us, and its no longer viewed as acceptable to give a child a good smack..thankgod! Until they've walked in your shoes hun they can have no idea of how tough life can be. You have to live it day in and day out to fully appreciate it. I hope they can learn more about ASD and how it affects you and your family, otherwise you may end up seeing less and less of them. Take care <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted August 31, 2006 last night my hubby was talking to his parents and the subject of our asd son was brought up. As usual they proceeded to tell us there is nothing wrong with him except the food he eats I am so sick and tired of this. I dont know why it has got to me so much this time because they are always saying stuff like this but ive had enough of it. They dont see him everyday or even every month and im sick of them blaming tv, food or computers for the way he is. If they had their way he would be force fed food he hates(they dont understand sensertive issues with food suprise) and no telly or comp. I dread to think what he would be like. The only things he enjoys are computers so what is the big ###### deal if he plays on it. I think its so upsetting because my own family think this. Who else do we have apart from them? It feels like an insult to our parenting. I at least have my mum who is a godsend even though its just listerning (she lives far away) she understands and belives me. We have tried to explain to them that an ed phych and peadeatrician who are qualified professionals are hardly just going to diagnos something that isnt there but they just dont listern, or come up with another #### opinion. Well moan over hopefully il calm down soon!!! Yes, I know exactly how you feel, I've had so much of this with my in-laws over the years, especially when J was little. They'd say things like, 'well, he's fine when he's with us', as if he was only autistic when he was with me. Even now that he's in a special unit for ASD I'm sure at the back of their mind (and sometimes on the tip of their tongue) is the feeling that it's all a figment of my imagination or all my fault, or both! Both of my parents are dead, so I don't get any support from my side, they've all we've got and sometimes it breaks my heart that they can't quite 'see' the problem and certainly don't understand the heartache and worry that goes with thinking about the future for our son, etc. etc. I've given up now really trying to make them understand, but, like you say, they're the very people we need support from, it shouldn't have to be so hard!! Chin up, at least WE understand <'> ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
summertime Report post Posted August 31, 2006 <'> <'> As bagpuss says, until they have walked in your shoes... its so easy to criticise, to see how you would do things differently. Maybe its a case of denial, after all if it was just a case of parenting and leniency and that could be altered then the autism would go away and they would have a NT grandchild. who knows why they cant accept it but you just have to keep telling yourself you are doing a great job, and noone can parent your son better than you can. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted August 31, 2006 <'> <'> <'> Brooke <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted August 31, 2006 I've had a real extreme case of this sort of thing from my ex inlaws this week; won't go into details but just to say I do so know what you are going through. Just as a taster, my ex MIL said that Bill was having a melt down because he hadn't had enough food; and when Ben said to her 'well you should do more shopping', apparently, and I only have this from him and my dd, she went through him like a dose of salts for being 'rude'. Er excuse me, he was only pointing out the 'literal' obvious, and Bill had actually been verbally attacked by another member of my ex inlaws which is why he was having melt down, not because he was hungry ... We all know 'em, but it is very very frustrating I know <'> Flora <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
joshanddanfans Report post Posted August 31, 2006 both our families are same, my parents especially say both our asd boys are just naughty, we not firm enough, they are apparently ok in their house mmmmh. weve had em all, food they eat, parenting, we awere apparently just after labels for our children and because we pushed for diagnosis we have taken their chilhood away, they are apparently normal little boys, ( who have asd-aspergers, adhd,sensory integration dysfunction and dyspraxia). i thought family was supposed to support you not make infuriating comments, like, "i wouldnt let him get away with that", "they are fine in my house", " he needs a good smack"ect. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bramblebrae Report post Posted September 1, 2006 Hi all, this is a link to a handout for grandparents but it could be used for any relative whose having difficulty understanding and accepting the situation as it is. It says it's for grandparents of kids with AS but I think it would more or less cover most ASD's it's from the OASIS website. http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/grandparents.html hope it's okay to post this I'm never sure on the rules take care Lorraine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
