Why does he make me cry so?

[LizK]

I mean in an emotional sense not driving me to tears!

 

Adam DS1 is my eldest child and I find that I cry or get that gut wrenching knot inside me far more often than I do with my youngest boy Daniel. I love both my boys fiercely and equally but just don't get the same emotions with DS2. For example Adam's finding returning to school hard particularly settling with his new LSA, nothing we didn't expect. Yesterday he looked sad and told me he wanted his old LSA back and I felt my eyes welling up. If there have been times when I've dropped him at nursery or school and he's not wanted me to elave him I've been fighting back the tears and driven to work with tears down my cheeks yet when I've had similar drop offs with DS2 I've not felt great and have worried but never wanted to blub. I don't know what it is about Adam, whether it's because he's my first born or because of his autism that makes me an emotional wreck. Daniel has a certain emotional toughness about him, I sort of just know he'll be fine but Adam has an air of vunerability about him that gets right to my core .

 

Lx

[mossgrove]

I know exactly what you mean. it applies to both our boys on the spectrum.

 

J in particular is big strapping lad for his age and he can be over-agressive under stress, but that doesn't mean whe isn't incredibly vulnerable in a way that NT will never be.

 

Simon

Edited September 8, 2006 by mossgrove

[DaisyProudfoot]

Feel for you Liz and yes I know what you mean.

 

As you say it's the vulnerability and I suppose the guilt in a way that our children struggle every day of their lives because of their condition. I guess that's why God chose us to look after them, because we care. <'>

[oxgirl]

I mean in an emotional sense not driving me to tears!

 

Adam DS1 is my eldest child and I find that I cry or get that gut wrenching knot inside me far more often than I do with my youngest boy Daniel. I love both my boys fiercely and equally but just don't get the same emotions with DS2. For example Adam's finding returning to school hard particularly settling with his new LSA, nothing we didn't expect. Yesterday he looked sad and told me he wanted his old LSA back and I felt my eyes welling up. If there have been times when I've dropped him at nursery or school and he's not wanted me to elave him I've been fighting back the tears and driven to work with tears down my cheeks yet when I've had similar drop offs with DS2 I've not felt great and have worried but never wanted to blub. I don't know what it is about Adam, whether it's because he's my first born or because of his autism that makes me an emotional wreck. Daniel has a certain emotional toughness about him, I sort of just know he'll be fine but Adam has an air of vunerability about him that gets right to my core .

 

Lx

 

 

I'm exactly the same, I cry constantly regarding 'stuff' about my son. I think it's just a combination of deep-seated sadness about his condition and worry and fear about what the future will hold for him. Also, it's the unfairness of it all. When I sit in the car waiting for him to come out of school, I watch all the other children filing out in groups laughing and messing with their friends and I want it so much for my son that it makes me cry every day. It's the harsh reality of the situation which is so heart rending, I think. Today I had a brief meeting with his teacher, it wasn't even a negative meeting, but I sobbed all the way home!

 

~ Mel ~

[Lynden]

<'> Liz. I'm exactly the same. I think its because they need that little bit more protection because they dont have the same understanding of the world. As you know I adore Leona, love her to bits, but I dont get the same overwhelming emotions as I do with Logan. I dont love her any less, its just different.

 

Lynne x

[CarolJ]

I'm exactly the same, I cry constantly regarding 'stuff' about my son. I think it's just a combination of deep-seated sadness about his condition and worry and fear about what the future will hold for him. Also, it's the unfairness of it all. ...... the harsh reality of the situation which is so heart rending

 

Oh yes been there done that and ended up using the tshirt as a hanky! I get fed up with crying anger and frustration. Yes watching NT kids of same age breaks your heart, I find myself resenting others whos kids r fine - wanting them to feel how i feel (especially when they patronisingly express sympathy GRRRRRR!). These feelings are akin to constant grief and indeed it is a a sort of grieving process because you grieve for the chilld u think they should have been. My kids autism came about as part of routine vaccine policy. So on top of that I also blame myself for being ignorant. Hey its never ending. The problem with unrequited grief unless you come to terms with it it can turn inwards and drain you and lead to all sorts of problems like depression. Its highly destructive over time.

 

As to worries about the future my son's long term current prognosis (as voiced at a recent meeting) is instutional care . Unless a miracle happens????? My D' i am not sure but she shows a lot of promise.

 

This is all part of the goal posts changing. Being positive about small things rather than looking at how others are doing. ASD changes everything. I let others get along and do what they have to do whilst I just carry on and do what I can.

 

A DX of autism doesnt necessarily mean giving up on dreams, the dreams and aspirations may just be a little different. Especially with HFA and AS - they usually have so much to give. Just look how clever they are!!!!

 

Even kids like my son have a lot to give - the innocence and vulnerability is frightenng and you just want to protect them.

 

Wipe your tears and try to enjoy the positive aspects of your child/children. Ignore everyones ideals and apsirations and expectations. You r all your kids have got.

[bid]

Exactly the same for me <'>

 

Bid

[smiley]

Me too.

[madmooch]

ME TOO - I even have so called professionals saying i haven't dealt with H's dx because of it

 

Sometimes i feel giulty because i haven't got the same response with my daughter

 

 

 

Clare

[oxgirl]

Wipe your tears and try to enjoy the positive aspects of your child/children. Ignore everyones ideals and apsirations and expectations. You r all your kids have got.

 

 

Yes, you're quite right, it's just so hard sometimes isn't it. We want them to have all the 'normal' things and at the back of our mind we worry about whether they ever will. My son is an only child and I'm already starting to worry about who will look after him and LOVE him when me and my hubby are gone. He'll be all alone in the world! Whoops, there I go again!!

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

ME TOO - I even have so called professionals saying i haven't dealt with H's dx because of it

 

 

After nearly 13 years, my hubby feels that I still haven't come to terms with our son's condition. He could have a point!

 

~ Mel ~

[Stephanie]

Like I have said before Liz, we seem to have a lot in common. I have boys approximately the same ages etc. I totally know where you are coming from and it's ok!

 

My youngest son DS2, seems to be tougher, more of a fighter, more stronger physically somehow. I am happy leaving him with people, I never left my first with anyone. I have somehow "let go" more with my second son, he seems to have grown up a lot quicker, he's more independant and couragious than my first. I love them the same without question, but I had more of a "clingy" bond with my first son when he was little.

 

Thinking about the first day I sent my son to Playschool still leaves a lump in my throat - he was standing in the corner of the playground, totally on his own, with a blank expression and looking sad mouthing the words "where's mummy gone?" to himself (seriously I'm filling up just writing about it). Now with my 2nd son starting playschool next year, I can't wait cos I know he will love it and will be fine.

 

My eldest is more vulnerable, needs more protection, needs more attention - he also gets the sympathy vote and can get away with a lot more.

 

My husband spends far more time with our eldest than our youngest because he feels he needs it ... I can understand that, but I want them to be treated equally ... and we don't even know if the little guy is NT yet anyway, it's way too soon.

 

I think you are more emotional over your ASD child, because you feel sorry for him, you know what kind of journey might be ahead of him and you are trying to see things from his point of view all the time. You may also be feeling a little sorry for yourself along with that, I know I do.

 

Anyone on here can tell you what an emotional journey it is, we have all had several moments where you feel the silent tears falling as you watch your child cope/not cope with the ASD, fighting back the tears, lump in your throat etc (wearing sunglasses on sports day is a must, you can hide a lot behind those!)

 

I was in a card shop yesterday reading all those "wordy" emotional type cards, I had to leave, everything started relating to our story and I could feel the old bottom lip getting wobbly ... one said something like ["son, your challenge in life is to be yourself when the rest of the world wants you to be like them .."

[DaisyProudfoot]

My eldest is more vulnerable, needs more protection, needs more attention - he also gets the sympathy vote and can get away with a lot more.

 

Awwww You've got me welling up again and I'm in work This comment is so true Martin's twin said the other day "It's always what Martin wants in this house - it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks - it's just him, him, him."

 

She's right unfortunately

[lynyona]

The times i have had the same thing said to me.everything as to revolve round kieran and why should it have to and these are comments coming from eldest ds who should be a bit more understanding at the age of 28.But he sees it as if kieran doesnt want to do it or like it its not done.

 

 

 

lynn

[Bagpuss]

Same here too Liz

 

Stephanie, thought your post was lovely ..... had the "lump in throat" again

 

I feel with our youngest dd its been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. I worry about the future, who will be there for her if we are not....something I don't do with our eldest two. The simplest of things will set me off though......listening to another child chattering away, watching another child running and jumping, an innocent comment from someone. Days which should be happy and joyous are tinged with sadness..birthdays, xmas, school plays, sports day, first day at school/nursery. I feel a huge need to protect our dd and fight her corner, so to speak. so impossible to explain the feelings, thoughts and emotions unless you've been there isn't it. I find it so hard to try and express how I feel to friends etc, yet I will come on here and talk so freely and know you all know where I'm coming from

 

I wonder if it ever gets any easier, do the parents of older children on the forum somehow learn to let go alittle and take a step back?

Edited September 15, 2006 by Bagpuss

[Kathryn]

Bagpuss. you've expressed so much what I feel.

 

As the parent of an older child - 18 in six months time - I'd like to say it gets easier but I feel I'm a long way from being able to step back, whether it's because my daughter was diagnosed late, I don't know. Every year around this time I feel like a chewed up wreck - all my daughter's peers are getting their exam results, and moving on smoothly to the next stage in their lives and it just hits home how different her path in life is going to be, whatever our efforts.

 

I think everyone needs a few of these. <'> <'> <'>

 

K x

[oracle]

I would be lying if I said that I never get upset watching other children and now adults of my sons (plural) age but it is very rare these days. It's special times like when they took GCSE's had their proms etc but on a day to day basis not I do not really get upset. I actually look at other 9/19 year olds and am thankful that my two are not like them. Although they are both damn hard work they also have qualities that others their age simply do not posess. I think that it's easier for me because I opted out of mainstream life - which I was able to do. So I don;t have to see so much of what other people's NT kids are up to.

 

I also can not say that I feel more for the two with ASD than I do my eldest who is certainly a man now aged 27. But I do feel deeply for him because most day/weeks/months his life simply floats on by, passing me by, and it's been like that for years now. Every so often I make the effort to catch up with his life and let him know that I am interested and want to know what he is doing. I can't say that I don't worry about him because I do.

 

Of course I worry all of the time about what it's going to be like for both my ASD sons when they are adult but I worry just as much that their eldest brother is going to carry the load for both of them Now while that maybe should make me feel very happy it does not because I want him to have a life of his own. I want at least one of my three to fly. But as I am told that choice is his to make and not mine.

 

Oracle

Edited September 15, 2006 by oracle

[Sallya]

There is something about my son's vulnerability which touches me to the very core....each time he struggles to work out the rights and wrongs...the same thing also wants to shout how ###### proud I am of him each time he overcomes one of his difficulties.....

[LizK]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your experiences <'>

 

Stephanie and Bagpuss you have summed up eloquently many of the things I feel. The silent tears, how true though more often with me it is real tears pricking my eyes that I am desperately trying to surpress. Funny how seemingly minor things can set them off. If's not just difficult situations or negative things, if he does something new or unexpected I feel them welling up too with pride yet when my youngest achieves something new I just feel proud and smile

 

I've wondered too about the whole coming to terms thing and whether it's a sign I've not come to terms with it as much as I thought. Not sure really, the tears thing seems more instinctive and deep rather than a reaction but I felt quite low about the whole ASD thing in the summer which made me wonder. Then I feel guilty because if I haven't am I not accepting my son fully for the person he is and letting him down? I love him so much and am so proud of him. He is who he is. Might post more about this at another point

 

Liz x