Sammysnake

I tried teaching my daughter to swim to no avail. She has issues with gross motor skills, particularly bi-lateral and it was like I was speaking a different language whenever I tried to explain or show her what to do. Within a very short space of time having lessons through the school, she was swimming widths and then lengths. I don't know how they did it to be honest but I am very grateful that they did. I didn't have the skills and experience to teach her myself. I would have loved to have put her into lessons at the local pool earlier in life but there's no way I could afford it and have no daytime transport to get there. Also, when asking around I was told the teachers at the pools tended to shout at kids which is no good at all for my girl who already claims she's rubbish at anything physical and gets very easily upset and confused when doing any type of sport or PE. I guess with everything we talk about here, the experience depends on what area you're in unfortunately. Happily the kids at my school have a great time and every individual is making amazing process (I went swimming with Year 4 today and it was ace!).

Hi Ann-Marie and welcome to the forum. I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard when we seem to be the only ones who see what our kids are struggling with whilst the rest of the world seems oblivious. I hope you get all the answers you need from the diagnostic process and that it's a positive one for you and your boy.

Love the Stupid Deaths bit!

Hi LS2242 I don't think it's too much to expect the staff at your boy's school to give some thought to how they can support him so he feels more confident in taking part in the swimming with his peers. I'm horrified to read how badly support seems to be organised in some schools for swimming. I'm a SEN TA in a mainstream primary and we have extra 1:1 TA support in the water with two of our kids, the others are split into four groups of differing abilities and each has either a swimming teacher assigned or a member of school staff who has had swim teaching training. There's no way we would leave any of our kids without direct supervision in the changing rooms and the pool is closed to the public whilst the school is using it. In my opinion swimming is an incredibly important part of the curriculum. The first day our Year 3 kids went into the water some of them were incredibly nervous. I was amazed at how quickly they overcame their fears with support and gentle coaxing, gaining in confidencea and doing something that they didn't believe they could do. It's been lovely to watch them blssom and their swimming skills have grown dramatically. One child last year was behaving in a way which was a danger to himself, the other children and the staff but they didn't want him to miss out on what they believe is a very valuable experience for him so they are discussing the possibility of using the pool and specially qualified swim teachers at a nearby special educational school for him to have 1:1 lessons. It just shows what a school can do if they want to. We're just a normal semi rural school, 345 kids, not amazing but the staff really care. I really hope something can be worked out for your boy - with a bit of effort on the teacher and TA's part put into planning, I'm sure it can. Good luck.

Nightmare! My daughter loves the whole series too and avidly reads them in bed, fortunately she seems able to get the joke bits or will question me if she's not sure. We also watch the TV programmes constantly (she never gets bored of the constant repeats) and just picked up a few audio books too. In the summer holidays there was a Horrible Histories day - it took a bit of effort to prise her off the telly long enough to get dressed! I like them as I learn loads - eventually... I have to hear the same fact about 20 times before it sinks in whereas she hears it once and it's there forever - wish I'd had her skills when I was a student . I do sympathise with you too though. It's really important that I ensure Beth gets the right info the first time around as it's very hard to convince her that a fact she's learned is wrong. When she was little it took about three years to get her to believe that lions were the yellow ones and tigers were the stripy ones, not the other way around .

At least when you're the mum and they're the kids you have some authority to tell them when time's up. It's when you're the wife and it's your husband you haven't seen for days because he's online with his 'mates' from America that you have a problem! Mine will tell them on the headset that he is AFK for a minute (which means he's popping to the loo) and I feed his habit by bringing him food and drinks to the computer room. Sometimes I get annoyed and don't do it, waiting to see how long it takes for him to realise he's hungry and thirsty - it's usually about 10 hours!

I'm incredibly relieved that my daughter has been diagnosed at an early age so she has at least a chance of getting support through the difficult school years and a little more understanding. The main thing I want for her in her life is to like herself and be confident and to do that, it's important that she understands herself. I don't see ASD anywhere else in my family (sounds like that puts us in the minority). However, before the diagnosis the skills I was using to support her and 'translate' the world for her were skills I'd developed in supporting my best friend. He's 38 and has a horrible life where all friendships and relationships spectacularly implode and he doesn't understand why. Social skills are very poor, people get nervous around him because they say they can't 'read' him, etc. Someone mentioned AS to him a couple of years ago and he got really angry. Now I know about my daughter, I'm more convinced that AS explains so much about him. He did take a look at a website but was looking for details of individuals who didn't fit his profile because he doesn't want it to be true. He says he doesn't want there to be anything else wrong with him (he has other stuff) and he's very negative about AS. I wish I could help him but I can't tell him I think he has AS too. It seems like he's only happy when he visits us, I think he feels relaxed and kind of protected and without thinking about it I smooth the way in the awkward social situations translating both ways between him and the people he's talking too (I'm good at ignoring the funny looks he gets from people and he doesn't notice it). I wish he lived closer so I could mother-hen him more . I'm so glad my daughter has a chance to accept AS and the positive traits it gives her so she can like herself instead of hating life like my friend does. .

Can I tell you about Asperger's Syndrome [Jude Welton] This books really helped me talk to my 9 year old daughter and helped her to explain to me how she felt. (People are going to think I have shares in the publishers of this book if I recommend it to anyone else!!)

It's like you're describing me (I'm 37). My AS daughter is nearly 10 and laughs all the time. Sometimes she laughs at jokes others don't think are funny but that's true of all humour anyway - what's funny to one person is not to another. Other times she tells some fantastic jokes. We've just been camping for the weekend with loads of people from church and one evening Beth sat with the teenagers. After a few minutes of me easing her into the group conversation I backed off and they began sharing jokes. Beth was fully engaged in the group, taking her turn at speaking and telling loads of jokes, each one relevant to the theme others had brought up. She'd read a joke book a while back and we'd talked through some of them explaining why some people think each one is funny which meant she understood the jokes she was sharing. It was a magical evening and brought a tear to my eye listening to her .

I think that's very cool . My daughter's always telling me to be sensible .

Kerr it's so lovely to read your positive post. My daughter is 9 and has AS and it's really encouraging for me as a mum to hear from someone who is doing well. I look forward to hearing more about you as and when you want to share more. Welcome .

When we saw a paed at age 5 (recommended by pre-school SENCo) he pretty much brushed me off saying there were 'signs of mild developmental co-ordination which would improve with support' (no mention of what 'support' means or where to find it) and he told me to my face in his line of work it was a pleasure to meet a child so confident and with such good social skills! It was hard because I wanted to believe him but also still felt sure there was something not quite right going on although none of her teachers agreed, nor her dad. It was really hard knowing whether to push or not or trust that everyone else was right and I was wrong. Eventually, five years later we get a teacher on the ball who recognises the same issues as me, puts support in place and fills in a detailed social and emotional questionnaire to send back to the paed. This time he says 'clearly AS and I'm really sorry I missed it before'. He also said all the support systems I'd been following myself (learnt from the internet as a result of research leading me to AS a few years ago) had meant she hadn't lost any time support wise despite him missing the diagnosis. My husband was really difficult all through these years, like your experience thinking I was seeking a label for no reason. He thought it was my over protectiveness that was causing our daughter's difficulties. It's a difficult line because it's important to listen to the professionals and not pursue a diagnosis that isn't there just because you think it is but on the other hand, the professionals are only human and do make mistakes. My advice is stuff what other people say, if a diagnosis comes through they'll have to eat their words anyway (my husband has been brilliant since we got ours and all the tension and battling has gone). Just make sure you get as much evidence together before the appointment as possible and make sure the professionals get it ahead of the meeting because they don't get much time with the child. In our first meeting I felt the paed had pretty much made his decision before he even met Beth. Not much has changed so far since we got our diagnosis but it does mean we can now access available support when it's necessary and I feel happier that support will be available at Secondary school with our 'label'. A label is a tool that you can choose to use as and when, it's not tatooed to my daughter's head - she tells people that she wants to and I occasionally tell people who really need to know. It's good to have a proper name rather than saying she might do this or that but not being able to give a reason. Good luck, I hope you manage to find the help you and your child need. Sam

Thanks for the link - I'm going to get hold of this book. I've read Asperger's and Girls which was very interesting but very Americanised - hopefully this one will be more readable for my daughter. Update - just put it on reserve at the local library. I'll let you know what I think of it once I've read it.

Well done Tally, you explained yourself really clearly and concisely. I'm so pleased for you that you got such a positive response.

My daughter is also 9 and was diagnosed a few months ago. In actual fact the paediatrician told her the diagnosis in the meeting but, like your son, she was already becomming aware that she is a little different from her peers. She was feeling unsettled, like she knew she was missing something that everyone else was getting but she didn't even know what it was. I'd talked to her beforehand about the possibility of AS so she was prepared for it - in actual fact she was over the moon to know there was a reason for why she felt like she did and has been very positive ever since. I explained that we all have different strengths and weaknesses and that I felt she had an excellent memory for details and could work out logical problems well but it was harder for her to understand what people might be thinking and to know what the expressions on their faces meant (she agreed with this). I said that sometimes there can be a special name for when particular strengths and weaknesses exist together in a person and if that was the case with her then it was great news because it meant there were other people like her who felt the same way about the world and we could learn from support structures that had helped them and know what to do to support her better. She wanted to know that people cared enough about her to find ways to help her more. Her teacher was already being really supportive and I said the doctor would hopefully give the teacher and myself more ideas on what we could do for her. After the diagnosis her teacher leant us the book 'Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome?: A Guide for Friends and Family by Jude Welton' which I cannot recommend highly enough. It's short and simple to read and written from the point of view of a young lad in our children's age range explaining to people about his AS, what is means and how they can help in simple ways. We read through it together and it gave my daughter a voice to explain to me how she feels and made her feel really positive. I also leant in to her nans and grandad to explain to them too. We also looked on the internet for biographies of famous people who many believe had AS - like Charles Darwin. My daughter really identified with him and it made her really happy to know that his sometimes unusual personaility traits actually made him a better scientist and paved the way for his world-shattering theories. I hope this helps and that your experience is as positive as ours so far. My daughter's friend at school also has AS and at his birthday party (where there was a quiet room set aside - how cool is that!!) she was giving him a high 5 and saying - 'Aspies Rule!'. So far she's really happy to be an Aspie. Good luck, Sam

Hi Shona I'm NT and really quite good with people but this describes me entirely too in a pressured situation such as someone talking face to face with me about something negative I wasn't prepared for. I can never think of the right thing to say immediately, don't want to speak because I know I'll cry and just want to run away from any sort of disagreement. However, just because you haven't stood up for yourself at the time there's no reason you can't take time to think about what you want to say and then go back to your manager later asking to have a quiet word. That's what I do. I feel much more in control when I've had time to think and I feel better about myself knowing I've had a chance to represent myself as I want to. Hope this helps, Sam

There doesn't seem to be any stopping her now. We've just come back from camping at one of those big holiday parks and she made friends with a girl in a nearby tent who asked if she wanted to go up to the amusements with her - with no parents. Beth insisted she knew the way and would be able to get back and was able to describe the route to me so I let her go, fretting all the time! I emptied her wallet of most of her cash just in case she left it somewhere but she did fine. For the rest of the holiday she came and went as she pleased, sometimes going off to the amusements or the playpark with her new friend and sometimes heading off alone. She even arranged to meet us in different places and got the right place each time, even finding me in a dark and crowded bar/entertainment venue. I was amazed! A few months ago she showed no indication of being ready to do something like that but I guess now she's decided to be independent, she's paying more attention to things around her. She even coped with an incident in the playpark. She said she stumbled and bumped a boy and although she apologised he was being nasty to her so she said she decided to leave as he wouldn't listen. She was really calm and matter of fact about it whereas previously she would have just stayed there getting louder and louder and more and more upset that he couldn't see things from her point of view until eventually I would hear her. I can't believe how grown up she's getting .

What fantastic news, you must be so happy and excited for him. Well done OJ . Hopefully you can relax and enjoy the rest of the break yourself now.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Baddad, everything you said is completely right and it had just occurred to me that Beth wasn't spotting landmarks because she knows she doesn't have to. I loved your description which was spot on for Beth - We soooo do the cracks in the pavement thing! This goes alongside the continual list of 'did you know....' facts from Horrible Histories and the oh look there's a leaf/bug/snail/pretty stone and oh I must take this branch with me because it might come in handy and 'mum, how would you feel if I was a werewolf?' etc etc etc. When you think about all that's going on in her head it's a wonder she's able to put one foot in front of the other Well done Oxgirl and son for the trips to town and keeping his key safe too. Beth mentioned getting the bus into town alone the other day - I think I'm a good few years away from that yet (getting heart palpatations just thinking about it!) but I can see now that I need to be giving her as many opportunities as possible from now on to have a go at things and correct her own mistakes, whilst monitoring from a safe distance. A cheap mobile phone may be the way forward soon but I'll have to train her not to lose her possessions first, or glue it to her leg (kidding!).

Justine I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I wish I could give you a big hug that would make all this hurt go away but sadly it doesn't work like that as you know. I don't have any experience of what you're going through but it does sound perfectly natural to me - we can't help what and who we love, even when our logic tells us it's not good for us. My advice would be to put your logical side in charge for a moment, sit down and write a list of the things that made you say You say it's been 2 1/2 years and I guess you would hope your feelings would be better by now but in all that time, nothing's been resolved and you've had no closure. Divorce has been hanging over your head for a long time which means you're suffering a continual bereavement and will continue to do so unless that is finalised. Your husband says it's what he wants but isn't doing anything about it which puts even more pressure on you and probably gives you that nagging doubt that it really is what he wants. Do you have anyone who can be an advocate to help you through this and maybe act as an intermediary talking to your husband - either a friend or relative or a marriage counsellor? I don't know the details of your relationship with your husband and wouldn't begin to tell you what to do but you need support to ensure you know what you need to do for you and your kids, irrespective of what your husband wants. I think logic needs to be the master here because emotions can trick and confuse us. It may not even be your husband the individual that you still love and want but the dreams you had when you met him that he would be the one to cherish and support you forever. It's very hard to let go of a dream but you have to ask yourself whether the dream is achievable with this person. I hope something here helps. Find someone to hug you and go through this with you. Lots of love, Sam

My daughter is 10 in October. We've always tend to do things together because she's my only child and I work part time which means I'm always available. We walk to school and home together because I work at her school so it makes sense and I've previously not been convinced she would know what to do if she took a wrong turning when going somewhere else. We live in a village which is a really safe environment but when I let her walk ahead of me to somewhere like Cubs, she always ends up taking a wrong turn even though we've been going the same way for over a year. Recently she mentioned she wants to start doing some things on her own so I've taken the plunge. She walked alone to her nan's the other day - a five minute walk with two roads to cross including a zebra crossing. No problem! Yesterday we were in the local shop and she left a book there accidentally. I was going to go back for it then suddenly realised she could do it herself and it might help her in future to remember to check she has all her items with her. Well, off she trotted around the corner (no roads to cross and going back the way we'd just come). She was gone for a while but returned hot, sweaty but trimphant with book in hand. Today she mentioned that she'd actually gone to the wrong shop first (although she did use the zebra crossing carefully!) She said she was really confused and stood outside for 10 minutes trying to work out where she should be before she remembered, got to the correct shop and found her book. I asked her what she would have done if she hadn't remembered where she needed to go and she said 'I suppose I would have come back home'. I was so proud that she'd managed to solve her own problem and had a safe plan for what to do if she couldn't resolve it. My little angel all grown up!

It's great to read so many positives. Thank you to everyone who's contributed so far, it makes me feel more hopeful about my daughter's future

Well, what a difference a couple of months can make! When I initially posted this thread, Beth's issues with being female had been building up over several years but suddenly, everything seems to have changed. We've been talking positively about puberty which turned out to be just in time as the body changes are now obvious and guess what - she's really excited and positive about becoming a woman! She's been noticing more positive female role models on TV and in literature and even made the hero of a story she's writing at school into a female! She went on the school trip on Monday and WORE A SKIRT!!!!! She had a great time! Her teacher spent time in the weeks before the trip showing her photos of period dress, both male and female and discussing it with her and she decided the stuff the boys had to wear looked far sillier and more uncomfortable that what the girls had. She even tried one of my long skirts on the day before just to see what it felt like (I wasn't allowed to see though). Next big thing will be bra buying over the summer. We've talked about it and looked at different types in shops. I suggested if she chooses something at the beginning of the summer then she can get used to wearing it privately before she has to wear it to school in front of other kids. She doesn't really need it yet but it seemed best to give her plenty of time to get used to the idea before it's a necessity. Thanks everyone for all your ideas. We've had massive breakthrough!!!

Oh man, Beth and I LOVE the holidays, it's our idea of heaven (no really)! I work in school so I get the same time off and it means we can just exist in our own little world spending loads of time together which means Beth is very happy and relaxed. All the things we're doing and places we're going we've done in previous years so no surprises. One week of Holiday Club is with the same people who know Beth from Girl's Brigade so they understand what to do with her if she gets upset, there are loads of craft type activities she's booked for in the village and they need helpers so I'll be there to smooth things over if necessary. Camping at Haven we've done every year since she was 5 and each year she's coped with it better, had more stamina and has felt able to join in more. She's even started playing on the green outside our house with a small group of children again this year so hopefully that will continue during the summer. Beth's nearly 10 now is has got loads better and recognising when she's had enough and giving herself a little time out before it all gets too much. Holidays give her more scope to do that than school does where she's had a lot of wobbly days this week . She's definitely ready for a break from all that pressure .

Well done for fighting through in the face of such opposition. We too saw a paediatrician just before Beth was 5 because pre-school was sure there was something wrong - they thought dyspraxia. The doc also told us there was nothing to worry about and said it was a pleasure to meet such happy and sociable child. Fortunately for us, school have been really supportive and asked me to go back to the paediatrician where he diagnosed AS. The paediatrician apologised for missing it before . I'm really sorry it's been such a battle for you with your ex. My husband thougth I was imagining things and being overprotective but now we have a diagnosis he is much more relaxed with Beth and doesn't come down on her so hard. I really hope you all get the support you need now and hopefully even your ex and his mum may gradually realise that if they love their daughter/granddaughter, they need to accept her diagnosis and work out how they can best support her. Good luck, Sam.