Merry

Indeed. That's what it's all about. Finding out who we are beneath..... As soon as we have figured that out, we take on a genuine confidence. Then others are drawn to us. If, combined with that, we are giving and supportive towards others, we can easily make friends given the right situations.

I'm 33 too. I know what you mean about the internal voice! I do that too. When I was little, I used to repeat everything I said in a whisper after I said it. It was just to make a conscious/aware link with anything which appeared to happen automatically....

And you will succeed, I'm certain of that. Just takes time and determination, which you've got in bundles! I'm so glad Smiley.

Sounds very complicated. No wonder you've gone through so many traumatic times with it all. It must have been so hard for you and it's amazing that you've coped, but actually, you've done really well to still be here and still be as positive as you are, despite what you've been living with all this time! I really hope you do get more support from now on. You've suffered alone for long enough hun. X

Hi Booze Zombie! Thanks for your post it made very interesting reading actually, so never apologize for writing a lot, write more if it helps, we all write a lot at times, that's what we use the site for, after all. More information is always better than not enough when people are reading and wanting to help. I find the people who use this site are very supportive during the bad times and encouraging during the good times. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. I have Aspergers too. I'm a 33 year old housewife, and even though my life is sorted now and I'm pretty stable emotionally, mentally, and socially, it wasn't always that way. I was so socially awkward, even though I had good training and qualifications in my area of work, I couldn't keep a job. I upset pretty much every person who ever got close to me. I've made a lot of enemies over the years and there are some people who have literally HATED me and have told me so. It's partly because I'm too honest, partly because I was very self-centred and suffered from crippling negative emotions and anxiety at times, and partly because I used to try so hard to say the right things at the right times but would always say the wrong things at the wrong times instead. Now when I say self-centred, what I mean is that I was very inward thinking.....like I was the centre of my universe and everything which happened to me, around me, and in my own mind was of huge importance and I would have to analyze every detail. It takes a lot of energy to be that way. I would put so much pressure on myself to behave in the perfect manner during every interaction, that by the end of a college week or working week, I would shut myself away in a dark room (I lived alone) and hide in bed for the whole weekend, often without even getting up to shower or eat. By the time Monday came around again, I often still did not feel I had spent enough time processing and recovering from the week before. It took all the energy I had to seem normal, to appear as though I was coping, and to keep being liked by other people.......and still, I couldn't manage it, ever for more than a few months at a time. I would always eventually lose my job, lose my friends, leave behind a lot of bad feeling, and have to start all over again somewhere new. It's not that I can't appear normal, I just can't do it consistently. I used to feel i'd let myself down, and let everyone I knew down every time I messed things up. -Every time the aspects of myself which I desperately tried to keep hidden would start bubbling up to the surface. And all it would take to knock me down was one bad exchange, one bad event, one thing messed up, and the tall tower i'd built would start to crumble and fall. My emotions would make sure of it. I was completely at the mercy of my own destructive mind and felt I had no control. What did not seem fair, is that underneath the exterior which I tried so hard to promote, was an exceptionally loving, kind, and thoughtful girl who only ever wanted the best for other people and would never intentionally hurt anyone. I was constantly misunderstood. My outer exterior, which tried hard and then messed up and said all the wrong things and hurt people, did not match the person who was inside, looking out. I used to wish I could communicate without words........because my words were so often the wrong ones, but my heart felt only love. However, people judge us on what we say and do, not (unfortunately) on the longings and sincerity of our heart. This, most do not sense. It is kind of like the stare a dog gives when he wants to communicate but cant. That's how I used to feel, like it SHOULD be possible to communicate who I am on the inside but for some reason, all I had were useless words which I used to muddle up or use in the wrong tone especially when emotional or under pressure, and give people the wrong impression. So often, I ended up saying the opposite of what I intended to say. I was the cause of all my suffering but I felt powerless to change it even though my intentions were always good, a lot of people turned away from me and some actively tried to hurt me and It felt like injustice. My childhood was hard, my teenage years were harder, and my 20's were the hardest. Drug use is common for people like us, nervous habbits, bizarre coping strategies, overwhelming fear and powerful emotions leading to solitary behaviour, and all for a very good reason. Our minds are intricate and intense. We focus on details that most people don't care about, think about, or even notice. We sense subtleties and care deeply. And we are built that way. It's not something we can decide to turn off. But we can get better and better at coping with it and fitting into the world, or rather, molding our lives to fit us. If you think about it, unless you are intentionally harming others, you are perfectly entitled to be whatever you are and not have to apologize for it. You are able to live your life as an adult, just the way you are, and find people and situations which suit you. You can build your life up with those things and you do not have to live up to anybody else's expectations. You can choose to take all of the pressure off yourself about having to fit in socially, and just go about your life in whichever way you please. Once I realized that, my life changed. I found friends who wanted to know me as I am, and enjoyed having a friend who was different and quirky. They are still my friends now. I met a man who was prepared to put up with me and his sense of humour carries our relationship through. He's not a deep thinker, so we suit each other. He doesn't drain me because he's not demanding and is not at all dramatic. He likes his own space and I like mine. He doesn't understand my obsessions or my inner world, he just lets me get on with it. Because of that, I really do love him. We chose to love each other as we are and not try to change each other. I now let him go out to work, because that's what he likes to do, and I stay at home with our daughter, playing with the hose in the garden, painting, dancing and playing with her dollies, cooking and cleaning etc, because that's what I like to do. We don't have a lot of money, but we are happy, each living the way we like and not trying to be anything other than what we are. When you can say you are happy with what you are and what you have, you will feel the way I do and that's what I hope for everyone. If you are as I am, you analyze your mind, your thoughts and feelings, your actions, what happens around you, what happened in your past, what might happen in your future, what other people are thinking of you, have thought of you, will think of you, how you responded, how you will respond next time, what they think of each other, why you exist, the nature of reality, etc etc........ and you've already cracked it because you have noticed the pattern in your mind. It may cause you a lot of exhaustion to be this way, but it did have it's purpose. It's as though you've been on fast-track learning in this lifetime and that's okay. A lot of knowledge will have come from the intense observation. Hopefully things should start to slow down soon, now that you are becoming aware. You are beginning to see that you are the lord of your own being, observing your thoughts and emotions, but recognizing them for what they are, which stops them from having power over you and gives you back the power. I say it a lot on this forum, something from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad Gita; "If you do not make the mind behave as your friend, it will behave as your enemy". It is very possible to take charge of your mind so that you can find relief from your emotions and suffering. All it takes is what you naturally do.....observation. If you become the watcher of your thoughts and emotions without getting lost in them, attached to them, or holding on to them, your thoughts and therefore emotions will eventually become under your own control and will be calmer, still and silent whenever you please, most of the time. This is the meaning of meditation. But whatever you call it, it's the key, I think, to taking control of a powerful mind, and having the freedom to create the life you want without the emotional interference. You could try asking yourself: "Who would I be and how would I live my life if I wasn't affected by or afraid of my emotions?/If I didn't care what other people thought of me?/If I was free to be who I am without judgement or worry?" Because regardless of how you must feel at times, you are most probably an incredibly interesting person to know.....and there is a perfect life for you out there, waiting for you to `grow` into it during the passing of time......if that makes sense. With love and respect. ..............wow didn't I write a lot!

Wow Smiley that's great progress. It must be such a relief to finally get some answers! All this time you were thinking it was just you being abnormal and failing, and all the time, you had these very complicated issues which were effecting your ability to cope and nobody realized! I really hope you get more support from now on. I feel so sad that you have suffered alone with all of this for so long. FINALLY people are helping you.

Hmmm. The angel over one shoulder and the devil over the other. This has been observed by people throughout history. It's like a trinity. -There is the the everyday mind, which can swing between positive and negative, and there is higher self which is pure awareness and only comes forward once the other two are silenced. The only problem with clinging to the positive is cause and effect..... Everything has an equal and opposite reaction. I used to swing from positive to negative. The bad was as bad as the good was good. Being affected by emotions is very exhausting and is simply not fair. None of us are the nice people we feel we are deep inside when being affected by negative emotions. It causes actions which we are unhappy with and this lowers our confidence, giving the negative thoughts and emotions even more power over us. The only way I have found to avoid this swinging from positive thoughts and feelings to lower thoughts and feelings, is to bypass the everyday mind altogether, and rest in the silence of the higher self whenever things get stormy. It feels like deep peace and relief from the mind which used to cause me so much trouble. (It still gets the better of me sometimes). The Hindus say that if the mind isn't made to behave as your friend, it will behave as your enemy. Being calm in the stormy waters and all that. I think people with autism/aspergers are often the best at gaining control of their minds because we have the ability to think outside the box and the sheer torment our minds can put us through gives us the motivation to discover our coping strategies. I guess this is one of the aspects of being high functioning....we simply have to learn to cope because no one around us seems to understand what it's like inside our minds. Personally, I have never felt that things like CBT work for me....unless I modify it for my own benefit, as Positive_about has done. We all seem to be good at doing what works for ourselves.......because we've had no choice perhaps. We are intelligent enough to realize that no one else can take control of our powerful minds for us. As for finding friends, I have been really lucky to have come across a few people in my life who accept me as I am and don't expect me to be `normal`. It is possible. If you make a decision to care about a person, invest in that friendship as much as you are able to.....and fulfill one of the needs they have, even if that is simply being a good listener for them, or the one who sends nice cards or bakes them a cake on their birthday. I am not able to be consistent, but each of my friends gets something out of being my friend and the relationships we have suit each other. They may not be conventional friendships, but it works.

Very good sense of humour aura!.......(and Tanya!)

This happens to me all the time! I don't know if it's a sign of aspergers, but I can definitely relate!

Love you Positive_About. I'm positive about you, positive about autism and very positive about your quote! Tanya52, I agree, sounds like ego to me. She's probably built up so many walls, she's terrified of showing any vulnerability. Oh must go..... GoldMD, enjoying reading your posts as always.

<'> This is an AMAZING thread! Wonderful, beautiful people.

It's good to be mindfull of where you get your support. You'll be okay here though. People are very nice and supportive. I agree about live music, but it does depend on the type of music and the length of exposure time for me! Took a few festivals to realise that sitting in muddy tents with a headache is not for me! Was it Positive_About who suggested guitar lessons or similar? Something like that might be good, indoors and meeting people.

Why not indeed. Hmmm. I was a fruitarian in my teens! Hadn't thought about that in a while. Hey GoldMD I do agree with what you're saying about your support workers......I mean, how the rules don't make sense. But you have to remember, that most people live by their structures and rules. It may make no logical or rational sense to people like us, who can think outside of many boxes, but most people need these things for a feeling of security, stability. It keeps things explainable, safe, dependable for them, in their minds. Most people feel less fear if they always know what to expect and can fit things (and themselves) into neat little roles and categories. That's why things are so tightly controlled in this way, and we just have to accept that the world, at this present time in history, needs this. Also, don't ever assume no one will want you. There are many different people in the world, different, just like us. There will be someone out there for you. I love the ideas about blogging, your posts are very easy to read. Don't give up! Oh and also, there are ways to take control of your sexual energy if you find it overpowering at times. As an idea, you could research tantra or sexual transmutation. It really works. But we must remember to keep such topics here to a minimum.

Hi Mumtoadozen, I love your photo by the way. I was diagnosed as an adult too. I understand how many emotions and changes of attitude can come with it! It changes everything. For me, it helped me to forgive myself for not living up to other people's expectations all my life. Instead of just feeling a failure, I began to see that I never stood a chance of being what they (family mostly) wanted me to be. Instead, I looked at how hard i had tried in life to please them and for me, all that work and sacrifice is enough. The one thing that changed in my family, is that most of the time, they no longer expect normality from me, understanding that I simply cannot and never will provide that for them So there has been a lot of acceptance and healing. It may help your dad to know. Funny, my gp `decided` it was bi-polar also when i was first referred, but within the first 5 mins with my psychologist, she said it was certainly aspergers. Since the diagnosis, I no longer feel i need to apologize for my quirks and differences, or try to change myself. I suppose that's the main difference now for me. I'm here and I care Mumtoadozen.

Hi, not in the north west and in my 30's not 20's, but I have aspergers and will also gladly offer advice and support. Feel free to start your own posts, add to others, or use the private messaging system to get to know us! I hope you make some lovely friends here!

Positive_about put it so brilliantly in his first paragraph. I have aspergers and in the past I have felt guilt for not being able to change. I used to believe my partner deserved better. But he sees in me something he hasn't received from a woman before, which is the ability to understand him on a very deep level....unfortunately, what he doesn't get is the affection and time which I know he deserves but i cannot alter myself enough to provide it for him, however hard i try. I genuinely care, but don't show it in the ways he was used to before he met me. We do need a lot of time to process things. If we don't get it, we don't cope as well with life. The stress kind of builds up until we crack if we don't get that time. It may be daunting for him also to have finally found someone who wants to know and accept the real him. We are so used to playing roles and even though we don't tend to like social situations, groups of people who won't always be around are a good place to hide from `real life` and those who really care. It took my husband quite a few years to learn to live with me in a way that makes me happy and also makes himself happy. Like you, he made a decision to be my man regardless of the differences. I'm sure it hasn't always been easy for him. My obsessions have at times caused arguments and he worries when they get out of hand, but it's hard for him to help me when I can't see that it's happening, and am perfectly happy with how obsessed I am! Really, I think it just takes a lot of time. But I hope you stick with your aspergers guy because you obviously love him and can see all the beautiful aspects of aspergers as well as the difficulties. The truth is, someone like you is just what people like us really need, even when we don't recognize it. The stability and security of a loving relationship usually makes us blossom even though it can be rocky to begin with! Best of luck.

You really will fit in perfectly here! Just like mumtoadozen (12...wow ), I can relate to pretty much everything you said. (I remember when I first realized the eye contact thing too!) Instead of feeling different, here you will find many who are strikingly similar to yourself. I would say it doesn't matter to anyone here whether we are officially diagnosed or self diagnosed......we can all tell an "aspie" from a non-"aspie", and you most definitely sound like someone with aspergers to me! All kinds of people use this site. Parents, like yourself, those who are not officially diagnosed (also like yourself at present), and those who have a diagnosis. Also partners/other family members of those with autism use the site. But either way, we all share one thing, -autism effects each of us, and so we understand and use our own experience try to support each other. I'll look forward to getting to know you!

In my opinion, a brilliant post! You sound very positive! You are the only one who can change your life, and you do have the skills you need to do it. You certainly seem to have the intelligence and clear thinking to know what you want. You've just got to make it happen. Changing your life begins with changing your mind. Instead of thinking that certain things you want are out of your reach, you can decide to see them as possibilities and refuse to let others (or your own mind) tell you otherwise. The mind can work against us, or it can work for us. But it's your own mind. You can tell it what to think! The reason others on this forum understand, is because we've probably all had the experience of feeling like a failure no matter how hard we try. We've no doubt all wished we could change ourselves or our past at some point. But the important thing is to accept yourself for who you are and know that you don't have to change. As long as you have good intentions and wish to love not harm anyone, why on Earth should you ever have to change? You don't have to live up to anybody's expectations of how they think you should be. You just need to find the life that suits you. A woman who suits you, if that's what you want, and anything else which suits you. You are a free man! Your body and mind belongs to no one but yourself! It's really quite exciting to let your mind search for new possibilities. Do what you want, as long as you harm none, and do it it your own unique way! That's how I feel about life. I wish the same happiness for you.

Gosh! That's eye opening!

Ha ha! Good observation!

Thanks, I now better understand what `monologue` means. Goldmd, I had a really bad education. I don't know fancy words. The things most people say and do make no sense to me whatsoever. The only thing I am good at is being what I am. I don't need big words for that! You can understand things in your own unique way and it does not matter what anybody else thinks. It worries me that you allow others to make fun of you or belittle you. You are perfect just the way you are and you don't need to change yourself or be anything other than who you are. You don't need friends who treat you badly. You can start all over again and make new friends. You seem like a very lovely person and people would be lucky to have you as a friend. P.s I love what Positive_about wrote regarding talents! I think he's quite right! Having a talent can be very attractive. Your friend is using his music in that way. He is trying to promote his own image so that people will think he is interesting. But those are just his interests, they are not who he is. I would say it's brilliant to have interests but never confuse them with who you are.

Alolienne, that video is hilarious! My friend is a Morris dancer!!! "But I don't want to cause too much fuss!" Very funny! Tanya52, I love your insight, as always. You are quite right of course.

.............Hmmmm............ I could go on writing about this for the next several hours.......... but no one would read it as it would take too long, probably. But do I have the discipline to keep it short? As you might have noticed, I am EXTREMELY passionate about such topics and rarely manage to keep any posts short, although I do try very hard. There is something about our minds, (The autistic mind) which naturally asks questions, seeking to understand. And it is this questioning which propels innovation, invention, new discoveries, dare I say it, even perhaps evolution...... When I was little, I expected the adults around me to be able to tell me why we existed and why we are here. It was a huge surprise to me that not only did they not know, but they had never even felt they needed to find out! I was excited to see your title, I knew instantly that we would have much in common. Aura, you are not alone! I have seen this place too. "There are many rooms in my father's house". I think the Hindus call them Lokis. I meditate. Used to do it for up to 10hrs a day. Like you, I have seen and experienced all kinds of wonderful things. The world we see is not all there is to see in the world. As I mentioned in your status, I don't believe in life after death, I believe in life after life. It's death I don't believe in. There is only life. For me, it is the ever turning wheel of Samsara. We come and we go.......but we never die. I have made a decision to stop talking right now, because if I don't, I won't stop, and it will begin to sound like I'm teaching or preaching. I never intend to do that, it only happens because I get so excited about it, I find it hard to remember to present my findings as personal experiences/opinions rather than facts. It can sometimes sound like my ego is talking, when actually, it always comes from a place of love. Wow! It actually is short! Oooooh but I want to talk more! .........but I won't! I can't wait to get to know you better! Have you read any of Betty Shine's books? She was such a dear old lady!

BlackAndWhite, you must be a triplet because I have Aspergers and you sound exactly like myself! I could tick everything on your list. And you'll find, if you keep posting here and getting to know people, it will be shocking to you that you have felt different all your life, but on this forum, you are not different at all. Sure we have our differences of course, in interests, opinions and personal experiences, but what I mean is, that here, you are not an outsider. If you spare some time to look back at other people's posts from when they first joined this site, you will quickly notice that most of us have described ourselves in very much the same way as you have when we first introduced ourselves! I would be very surprised if you were to tell us in the future that you do not have Aspergers. Welcome to the club! We all view it differently, but most people are pretty positive about it.....like our friend Positive_About for example! There are some really great things about having Aspergers/autism. I think we are very interesting people because we think differently/see things in different/new ways. There are down sides obviously, like depression, anxiety,social/coping skills etc....but at least you have found a group of people now who will understand and give some support when times get hard. Good luck with the diagnosis if you choose to go down that path. I look forward to hearing more.

So true! I feel like a foreigner! I am British, but find it very hard to speak "British"! I'll never understand why people can't just say what they mean! Although I guess it's kind of nice that we put so much thought into how we word things so as not to offend anybody! Puzzling though!