badonkadonk

Hiya Rushed, Sorry to hear things aren't going well at the mo' I think it might be wise in this instance to focus on what your support worker said...you hold the key to your future. Basically it really sucks that at 16 you gotta fight for what you need but, unfortunately, nobody is going to fight these battles for you and will only fight with you if you tell them about the problems you're having. I often make the mistake of assuming that everyone must know how I'm feeling because they can tell when they look at me and because they know all about my situation. The trouble is that most of the time these things aren't in the forefront of other people's thoughts. It's nothing bad, it's just that they have their own lives and their own thoughts and worries stuck in their mind too like you do and so sometimes it's easy to forget/not pay enough attention/assume everything must be alright because you're not having a major breakdown or obviously appear to be struggling. What you need to do is write down how you're feeling if you can, or record it onto a dictaphone if you find it easier to speak what you feel rather than put it into words. If you find it easier to just speak at the time then I would still make notes of all the key points that you need to get across to people so that you don't leave anything out. Then I'd tell your parents exactly what's happening and try to explain to them how this is actually a big deal for you (because it is) and how you would like them to help you (making an appointment with the headteacher, supporting and understanding your needs so that they too can back up what you're saying in the meeting). You do need to tell your parents that these are the things they need to do in order to help you because I know it often seems like parents should know it all, but essentially they are still human too and so they might be unsure of how to help. It's a lot of pressure I imagine being a parent because your kids unquestionably think you're ace and perfect and most parents will fall short of their children's expectations at some point because the expectations are unrealistic, if that makes sense. Sometimes it can be that parents are unsure of what to do in some situations and so they too can get "bury your head and hope it goes away" syndrome because they don't want to let you down by admitting that they don't have all the answers. When you do see the headmaster you need to really try to get across what you're feeling and how this situation is not working for you. If needs be take some information on Aspergers in with you and ask him to read briefly before you begin. I know you shouldn't have to do this kind of thing but unfortunately the world isn't perfect and sometimes if you want the best results you have to manipulate the situation to get them. By getting him to read about Aspergers during the meeting, the problems you might face at school should hopefully be in the forefront of his mind when you try to tell him how withdrawing the support is affecting you. Tell him the kind of support you need and try to think of ways in which you can get this support without reverting back to the same routine that you had because in all honesty it's unlikely that this will happen. Could you manage with seeing the support worker for less time each week? It might be that by compromising you could still get some support. I know this isn't as good as what you had before but it's still better than nothing and this is what you have to aim for! Would seeing the support worker during one lunch break a week or during tutorial time be of any benefit? It could be that, rather than a day to day thing, you might be better seeing your support worker in one extended session once a week. You could use this time to do your planning for the week, to get organised for the week ahead and to run through any homework issues you might be facing. I'm not saying these are options you have to pick, I don't know what would work best for you so have a think about what you really need from your support worker and think about how many hours it might take to achieve this a week and how this might be viable. The thing that students aren't told is how support workers in fact 'work'. It's not as simple as I need the support so I should get a support worker. The amount of support workers a school has and the time they have to divide amongst pupils essentially boils down to one factor.....money. As evil as that is. Employing support workers costs money and schools really have to fight for all the money they get anyway so getting headmasters to part with cash for a kid who on the surface doesn't appear to be having major problems is going to be a hard task. That's the bummer about Aspergers is that alot of the problems we have can be invisible and not easily understood by ourselves let alone others This is why you have to fight twice as hard to make people see that you do need this help. If you think about it from your school's point of view for a second, as rubbish as that is to do so, if you are seemingly able to cope then they are going to take your support worker away and give it to another student who they think will benefit more from their help. And also the thing is, is that there probably is a lot of other kids at the school who do need more help than you on a one to one basis because their problems are specifically learning based. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying they deserve more help than you, but the help you probably need could probably be better given to you outside of the classrom in an intensive one 2 one session. I hope this helps and feel free to post anytime you have something you want to talk/ask about, regardless of how small or big, that's what we are here for to help each other. I will especially try every which way I can to help, even if you don't want it, because I had a traumatic school experience so everything I can do to stop that from happening to one more person I'll do it!!! Think positively and believe in your own abilities....you can make them understand and listen, you just gotta get the ball rolling. Emily xxx PS you could make it part of your compromise that because you agree to less hours a week/longer sessions each time that if at any point during the day that you feel you are unable to cope you are allowed to go and have a quick chat with your support worker. As long as you're not doing this every day, which hopefully you won't need to be, then it might be something they agree too (as long as your support worker agrees, which they should as well).

Dude I think it's like Caroline said. You've been away from it all for three weeks in relative peace and quiet compared to everyday situations. Give yourself a break and your ears chance to catch up. It's ok for the sound to be bothering you, if that makes sense, your ears are rubbish at blocking this kind of sound out. So, what to do, because I know I would have run away home by now, my ears, brain and ability to 'just breathe' are all rubbish Got any ear plugs? Can you listen to music? Sit in the toilets for a bit? Kill them all with a brick? They're not going to stop or be quieter and possibly think of you for a minute. They're 'normal' people remember, considerate is not something most people have heard of. (This only applies to some people remember, before all you NTs start trying to thump me!!) So you gotta help yourself I'm afraid me dearest. Drink some water and pop some painkillers if you have any. Go for a walk (will anyone notice if you sit in the loos or outside for half an hour?). And generally waste as much time as you can this afternoon so you can get out of there because it's not like you're going to be feeling productive anyhoo in this mood. Heck, do the whole migrane thing and go home early if you can. The thing is, one of the biggest sore points of my particular personality and I don't know whether it's an Aspergers thing or not, but you seem to have suffered the same fate here, is that I have a kind of Amnesia type reaction to things. I don't go out shopping for a bit and suddenly I think, I'd quite like to go shopping actually, I bet I might even enjoy it and find something nice to wear for once. But then I get there and it's still as horrific an experience as it always is and I never find anything nice to wear because apparently all fat people want to dress like 80 year olds. But my brain for whatever reason cannot accept this and so I get a kind of eternal optimism about things like this. (and more recently about socialising over Christmas...."it'll be different this year, I know how to cope more, I might not even get bothered this time"....HAHAHAHA!) But I am slowly learning not to beat myself up about getting optimistic. It's allowed, there's nothing wrong with it and as long as I'm not destroyed emotionally everytime it happens and can accept the fact that it's happened again, such is life and all that nonsense. So, this is my longwinded way of saying. You forgot what it was really like, it's ok to do that. You've got rubbish ears so fake a sickie and keep looking for a new job. (Btw I'm kinda proud of you in a non-patronising way. I thought you might turn out to be a stubborn stupid head, but I'm glad that you're reluctantly embracing change! Don't hit me!) Emily xxx

Ooooooooooo, I know where the Metro Centre is! Well I don't actually know how to get there, but I've been there, I think!?! Is it the big shopping centre that turns into some kind of weird Victorian type town and has an indoor play area place? Maybe I just dreamt this but last time I went to see my bro we went to a big shopping centre and all was shopping centre-y until we turned a corner and everything went a bit weird looking. Also if I remember rightly I got a CD from one of the shops and got back to the car to find out there was no CD in it, even though it was one of those security tagged things which meant it hadn't been opened since packaging. RANDOM! Anyhoo, not that you needed to know any of that stuff, but I'm still ok meeting wherever, just as long as I know by the end of this week for definate so I can start getting my head around things. Just thought I would mention that I know where something is, or might know where something is. For me, 'might know' is an achievement Emily xxx

I scored 43. And I think it would be much higher if I were a boy because the whole fascination with numbers and learning about science things I'm just not into and it does seem to be boy orientated on the whole. I also find tests like this quite difficult to complete because what qualifies as slightly? If I definately disagree that I don't like social situations does that mean that I'm not supposed to enjoy spending time with my boyfriend or my parents? There is no definitive scale to choose from, it's either slightly or definately and I struggle knowing which category that I fit into because everyone's perception of slightly and definately will be different. I wouldn't be too sad if it does turn out that you are Aspergers. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you and it's not like because you ticked a few boxes all of a sudden you have something. Aspergers isn't anything, it's not a virus or something you pick up. It's just who you are, and if Aspergers is who you are then you've been Aspergers since you were born and you've managed to get this far. So I wouldn't let it worry you at all and if anything, take the positives from finding this information out. Now you can connect the dots and understand why you do things differently like being overly honest. The thing is, while these tests do seem to be able to pick up on Aspergers traits, I bet shy people would score quite highly on these tests. It doesn't make them AS. There wasn't any sort of focus on senses in this test or reactions to being in a public place. The thing is, if you genuinely prefer going to a museum rather than the theatre and have an interest in numbers then you're going to score higher, it doesn't mean that you're Aspergers. These are just things you prefer and I bet most men would pick museum over theatre any day anyway. So I wouldn't read too much into it Emily xxx

That one is easy. I'll be the one hiding behind a bloke who looks like a Serbian Arms Dealer!!! I dunno actually, in all seriousness, maybe we should post piccies of ourselves on here beforehand? It's a scary thought I know but we are going to see what each other looks like eventually! As for the meeting places, I don't mind where we go as long as our Aspie senses are taken into account. I've never been to Newcastle before so it'll be an awful lot of strange new things for me to deal with. Also, I'd really like to go for the quietest eating place out of the choices or the one with the biggest table they can shove in a corner. As long as I'm in a corner and I don't have anyone seated to the back of me I'll be alright but I can't deal with someone sitting behind me for some reason, it just freaks me out. Also the whole noises of people eating thing makes me itch just thinking about it, but I shall come armed with my Ipod so it should be alright. I know people will be reluctant to post piccies and things, perhaps we could email instead of putting them on the site, but it really will help me and probably the other Aspies who are coming as well. The whole fear of the unknown would be lessened if I had faces to look for instead of hoping that someone is familiar with Johnny Vegas enough to recognise his 'could-be' sister when at the Monument. Emily xxx I'm also from the Midlands Mel and Reuby, but my bro lives in Durham so I'm killing two birds with one stone by visiting him for a weekend as well as meeting up with the others. But I might be up for getting together in Birmingham or something a bit later in the year if you wanted to sort something out.

Haha Mel, I was just like that as a kid Except for I still am, and I have a thing for lining things up around/at the back of things. For example, when I was little I used to line everything up around the skirting boards. Mum would say "how about helping mommy tidy up?" and then half an hour later there would be everything lined up around the skirting boards....toys, toast, fluff, stones from the garden, washing, dirty cups Now I am more restrained But I still have to have everything lined up just so. Everything in the kitchen gets pushed to the back of the sides and lined up, same on my bedside table. Everything is stacked at the back so there is space at the front, even though I never put anything at the front It drives my poor mum mad! Emily xxx

Even though I'm also Aspergers, I cannot comprehend living in mess, at all. A cluttered room means a cluttered mind to me and I cannot think straight if my environment is messy. My bedroom is never 100% perfect, mainly because no room can ever be and because I don't have enough space as I'm living at home with enough stuff in one room that will go into various different rooms when I move into my own house. My parents don't have to house their tv, stereo, media collections, clothes, items they want in storage and day to day things in one room but because I don't have my own house yet I'm cramming everything into my bedroom!! Anyway, one of the problems could be that they don't know where to start. I know that you can sometimes look at an untidy room and it seems so overwhelming because you don't quite know what to do first. I also struggled with knowing how to tidy my room when I was little. What goes where and how to clean things. Perhaps you could give them a tidying your bedroom guide poster or something and list what to do first and in what order to do it. Stressedmumto2 seemed to have the right idea as you could make it a chart where they tick each job off and they build up points to a reward. It needs to be a really basic plan and not just things like "tidy up toys" because that doesn't really tell them what to do. Something like "put all dirty clothes in the blue basket" and "put all dolls in the red box". I dunno what toys kids have lol, but just keep it really simple and easy to follow and make sure that the jobs are either shared or distributed equally so it keeps fighting to a minimum. Encourage them to listen to music while they tidy up and perhaps invest in some funky cleaning outfits for them (Aprons or boiler suits or something, you can buy dyes and dye some cheap white aprons bright pink!....I know you can get lots of novelty kids cleaning stuff nowadays like rubber gloves with feathers around the end and a fake ring stuck on ...what I'm trying to say is, something that will make the job seem more fun). You could also get them a little cleaning caddy that has everything in it that they might need (bin bags, polish, dusters, laundry bag, hoover attachments) and keep it next to the hoover so they know where everything is. I dunno whether this stuff would work but it might be worth a try! Hope it helps Emily xxx

Thanks again guys :-) Baddad - I know what you mean about the wrist straps, I was worried when I started hearing all the horror stories! But I've found that securing an elastic band just underneath the slide that holds the strap in place, stops the slide from coming back down again which I think is what is leading to Wii remotes flying into televisions and windows! Though to be fair to Nintendo, I've had Wii Sports for Christmas and while you can jump about like a lunatic actually trying to have a game of tennis against the computer, it works just as well sat on the chair just flicking the wrist gently to return the ball. So I think these people who are breaking televisions and whatnot were probably going a bit ott in the first place in order for the strap to come off. That or they were very, very drunk Anyhoo, I was lucky to get one, Bob rang around most of the Gamestations in the area and put his name on all the lists and left deposits at those who were accepting so phew! Feeling a bit dodgy this morning anyway, was drinking Bailey ice-cream milkshakes last night while playing Singstar Karaoke with my mum, dad, sister and her boyf, my brother and his fiance and Bob. Watching my dad singing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' by Nirvana has to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen!!! Hope everyone has a good New Year. I don't do New Year parties but I think me and Bob might just get legless in our PJs and play on Singstar again. Emily xxx

Thanks Hev! I'm having a great day, first birthday in years where nothing has gone too dramatically wrong just yet. Bob has to work tomorrow which means he can't get too drunk tonight, but I'll just drink more for him I've had some wicked presents this year, it's the first year where my mum and the rest of my family have really clicked when it comes to my obsessions. I've had some Doodlebugz poster art to colour in because I'm quite into that at the minute and I've had some paint by numbers as well! As well as lots of other cool presents. I'm loving my Nintendo Wii that Bob got me for my Christmas and Birthday present. It really does get everyone involved and playing together. It's the best present ever Anyway, thanks again for the Birthday wishes! Hope everyone else has had a good day and Christmas! Emily xxx

Hiya, I'm 23 and was diagnosed Aspergers last December I will warn you in advance, this post will probably be very long. But you asked for our opinions so this is what you get It's hard to sum up something as complicated as understanding Aspergers into a few short sentences and whatever I say below will no doubt only be a small percentage of stuff that you can learn. I think TheNeil made a lot of good points in his reply so I hoped that helped you somewhat. He pointed out the real key issue when it comes to getting a diagnosis of AS and understanding AS altogether. The point is, is that Aspergers isn't a label, it isn't something you have or something you can cure. All Aspergers is, is the name given to the common traits that some people display/experience. These traits are different to what most people experience (also known as Neurotypicals/'The normal people') so it is easier to classify these traits by grouping them together and calling them a name. Hence Aspergers. It's called so because of the guy who first compiled the group of traits that make up Aspergers (Hans Aspergers was the dude). So what I'm trying to say is Aspergers isn't something, it doesn't exist, Aspergers essentially is who you are. You exhibit or experience all these traits and that makes you the same as me and TheNeil and Tally in that respect. I find it much better to be able to get to grips with what AS entails instead of seeing it as a Syndrome or a disorder. That makes it sound like we're ill or something and we're not, we are just wired differently, tis all. That being said it doesn't make the negative impact of AS any easier to deal with. When I say the negative impact I mean the fear of public transport, not liking being in large crowds of people. Sensitivity to noises, smells and sights. Getting over obsessed with things so much that it impacts on our ability to function in life some days. You know, all the things that make being Aspergers a pain in the backside sometimes. When I say we are just different I'm not brushing it off or trying to make it seem like nothing. A difference is a difference and there is a huge one between us and neurotypicals. So I can understand, when AS is referred to as being 'something' all the time or a Syndrome, how alot of us tend to think that a diagnosis will have a huge positive impact on our lives. When really all a diagnosis is, is someone telling us you know what, all those things you do/feel differently, we named that Aspergers so there you go. That's it. It is huge in a way because at least you know that you're not alone, that you're not ill, that there is nothing wrong with you and, more importantly, that there is nothing wrong with your mental health. I for one spent quite a few of my teenage years thinking I was mentally insane. While the name Aspergers isn't all that important then, what is important is learning about traits and triggers and I think this will be the one thing that could lead to positive improvements in your life. You said that you still feel the turmoil inside, so do I, it's part and parcel of Aspergers I'm afraid but that horrible feeling can be reduced because a lot of that feeling is made up of us not knowing why sometimes we suddenly feel upset, or agitated or irritable. So you need to start doing some research. The National Autistic Society lists some good books on their website and there is loads of information on here in the resources section. Just start looking is the best advice I can give. There will be things you come across on the web that won't be helpful and will be untrue but over time you will start to recognise the key characteristics that make us different, these key traits that we experience. You can't just stop at reading a list of traits either because again they are like the subtitles of Aspergers. Communication difficulties, obsessive interests, resistance to change. All these things are nonsense words and mean absoultely naff all to most people. What on earth are communication difficulties? If you tell Non-AS people "I have communication difficulties" they mostly assume that you can't talk or hold a conversation and it's absolute tosh. You have to look at people's experiences of difficulties with communication. My experience of this trait isn't that I have trouble talking (clearly!) but I do have trouble with taking people seriously, not understanding jokes or why people say nasty things in a joking way (and not mean what they're saying even though I think they do, or else they wouldn't say it at all, even in a jokey way but apparently it's not true....grrrr). I find small talk incredibly tiring and stressful because often I don't know what to say and more often I have absolutely no interest in the conversation and I lack the desire to understand why we should fake an interest just to 'keep up appearances' or something. I don't care what that person is up to, why do I want to sit and talk about it for 3 hours!!! But you ask another Aspie about their experiences with difficulties faced in communicating and you're likely to get a different answer with some similarities. Even though we can all be placed under the umbrella of traits that make up Aspergers we are all individuals first and foremost so we are all going to experience these traits in different ways. They key is, is to identify what traits you experience, find out what makes you, you and what makes you tick. Only when you understand will you be able to try to tell other people what makes you different and how they can understand you better. I wish I would have been able to realise that, when I used to go clubbing as a teenager, the flashing lights and fogs would make me feel angry and irritable because I was experiencing an overload of my senses. If I had known that I could have stopped going clubbing, or found a club that didn't have too many flashy lights etc (Indie clubs are much better than dance clubs for example). I wish I could have known this about myself and been able to tell my friends that this is what was upsetting me instead of fleeing the club, being seen as a weirdo and being bullied by the so-called friends for being a bit weird. But hey-ho, you get what you're given and I'm glad I got my diagnosis now rather that in another 20 years time. I know it could have still happened sooner for you, but being 16 you have even more time to learn about yourself and get an understanding of AS. One of the biggest problems us Aspies face is learning about negative traits and what triggers them, like I mentioned just with the sensory overloading. For years as a kid I had screaming fits and tantrums and meltdowns and World War 3,4,5,6 etc whenever I stepped foot in a supermarket or shopping centre or just singular shops. I didn't know why I felt upset or agitated, I just bloomin well did and I didn't want to be there and I made sure that my mum knew that I didn't want to be there. Now that I have researched Aspergers and know that we tend to experience sensitive senses (if that makes sense) I have been able to identify what makes me feel so mad when I go shopping. It's the artificial lights, the different smells, the many different sights that my eyes have to deal with. The noise of the shoppers and the different conversations that are going on. Combine that with the music they pump out into the shops and the dreaded loudspeaker announcements that confuse the hell out of me in a supermarket. Plus being in a different environment experiencing constant changes in temperature (frozen food aisles or just walking in and out of shops when not food shopping). Plus I've got to try and focus on what I'm doing and where I'm going and my mum is rabbitting in my ear and ARRAGHGHGHGHGHGH. Flip out time. So I avoid supermarkets and shopping if I can because I know it makes me so mad. I do a lot of my shopping online and if I venture out I make sure I'm well prepared. I dress in comfy clothing and make sure my hair is off my face (not a problem for most blokes I know). I wear my sunglasses if I need too and plug myself into my Ipod to shut the world out of my ears. I drink lots of water to combat the dehydration that anxiety and stress causes and I keep a pack of nuerofen in my bag. I plan what I need to buy in advance and try to focus solely on achieving this. If someone is talking in an aisle and it's bothering me, or the loudspeaker is going off all the time I find a quiet aisle and take a minute to chill. I tell whoever is with me that I'm getting ansty and we make an effort to get done asap. I try not to worry about all the things that bother me and I don't beat myself up about feeling upset. This understanding of yourself and creating coping methods is something that you need to look into and figure out. When and where do you get upset or feel weird the most? Think about the environment you're in at these times, is there anything that could be causing you to get upset? (remember to factor in the "new places" thing and not just focus on noises, smells etc) What happens when you talk to people? Does anything bother you then? How do you feel at these times. You sound like a smart cookie so it shouldn't be too hard to figure all this stuff out. It would really help if you could do this with your parents as well, and even your closest friend so that they discover this stuff with you and learn more about you at the same time. Plus you don't have to go explaining it over and over again, and because other people know your traits and triggers they can also explain it to other people such as family and friends and teachers at school or people who need to know that you're Aspergers. Don't be afraid to figure out and tell people about all the little things that bother you. They're not stupid and insignificant to us, they are real things that can upset us. The noises people make when they eat just make me want to throw up and make me mad because I can't block these noises out, where as Neurotypical people's ears do this for them and so when you tell them your issue with food they don't understand or can't see the problem because their ears don't work the same. I slurped and chomped and mashed my food around in my mouth doing it right near my boyfriend's ear and said that is what it sounds like to me, even when I'm sat over the other side of the room and I can't block it out. Now he understands! So, it's all about learning and understanding yourself. On the surface and on the whole we aren't that different to most people. Some of us do have groups of friends and go out and do things that everyone else does. We don't look different, we don't do anything majorly different to other people. It's all the little things that we do/feel differently that make up the huge unseen difference between us and everyone else. Figuring these out is the hard part. Educating those around us, harder. Expecting society on the whole to understand...damn near impossible and this is the one battle we do face. But you can only chip away at people and try not to focus on the fact that most people are, largely unknowingly, ignorant. Focus on you and the world immediately around you and you should be alright. You are going to face challenges and difficulties that alot of other people don't have to deal with. But I still wouldn't have it any other way. I like my positive differences....I have a random sense of humour, I'm quite smart, I'm not blinkered when it comes to seeing the world like a lot of people are. Our minds and our ways are quite unique and special and that's why a lot of us go on to achieve great things. Steven Spielberg, Gary Numan, Dan Aykroyd are just 3 celebrities I can think of at the minute who have AS. But it's like Spiderman's Uncle says "with great power comes great responsbility". We have these brilliant minds but, I guess, in order to address the balance we have things that we are not so good at like communicating and dealing with senses. We also can see all the unjust things that happen in the world, we have strict moral codes and don't prejudice against others. But because we see things this way we also see all the prejudice and immoral things that happen in the world. It's hard to accept, this life that we live in, I struggled for many of my teenage years with learning to understand how we can seemingly ignore problems like starvation and aids in Africa, gun crimes in America. But over time I have learnt to focus on the positives and to try and set a good example by how I lead my life. I'm never going to change the world, I don't want to badly enough and I'm not that smart that I can figure out how, so I just focus on my life and that seems to settle some of the unrest I feel inside. Anyway enough, I think there is enough food for thought for you to be getting on with there. Sorry again about the length but it's hard to explain Aspergers in a few short sentences. Most people write books to give advice. I just write chapters to people on a forum Hope you have a good christmas and can hopefully start taking more positive steps towards accepting and dealing with Aspergers in the New Year! Emily xxx Oops, forgot to include this link for you. At the minute Josh is keeping a blog for the National Autistic Society to document his day to day experiences and thoughts. He is around the same age as you I think and mega funny! Josh Muggleton

Hey M-A, I understand the predicament you're in here, I have faced a similar situation in the past. I think the one thing you have to consider in all of this is where your mum is coming from. I know often when I was younger (and still now sometimes) I found/find it difficult to see where my mum is coming from or how she can have an opinion that is entirely different to mine. In the case of ex-boyfriends especially when she used to have a negative opinion and I thought they were the best boyfriend in the world. But you learn in time to stop and think and try to see what would make them think like this. In your case it could be down to a mis-understanding about your girlfriend, the fact that your mum doesn't understand some of the difficulties that your girlfriend faces. It could also be that your mum (because she isn't in love with your girlfriend) can see (and has the experience and wisdom to be able to tell) that in the long term you two aren't suited/won't stay together. The problem we all face in life, and what you face here is who is right? Until you know exactly how your mum feels and until you've told her everything about your girlfriend in terms of why she feels or acts differently to others then neither of you will be able to understand each other. You need to sit down with your mum and try to calmly discuss the issue (as difficult as it is for someone with AS to communicate and stay calm in this situation). You have to try because every time you get upset or just say "she's depressed" or "she has anxiety" this means nothing to people who have never experienced this stuff. You have to give proper examples and say how exactly it affects her day to day life. You also need to ask your mum to be totally honest and say why, and in detail, why she thinks you should go back to college in Birmingham or not be with your girlfriend. You also have to be prepared to listen to what she says and let it sink in and ignore the urge to shout you're wrong at everything she says because that is how you will probably feel. My boyfriend's parents hated me when I first got together with Bob....they're still not that keen now to be honest but they are trying. The difference is, is that I was only diagnosed with AS last year and I've been with Bob for 4 1/2 years so it wasn't so much as they didn't like the real me, it's that they didn't understand and know the real me (Aspie and all) they thought I was neurotypical and therefore my lack of wanting to participate in social gatherings at their house/visit their house at all was seen as unacceptable behaviour. Since my diagnosis I have sent leaflet after leaflet, booklet after booklet, home with Bob for him to leave around the house or ask his mum and dad to read. Thanks to this their understanding is slowly changing and they are beginning to make sense of AS. They are still a long way off, change takes time, but their acceptance of me now is 1000% better than a year ago. Maybe this is something you could try with your girlfriend's parents. It could be that they don't know what AS really entails or know nothing about it altogether. I know it would be hard to go and tell them about AS, it's something I couldn't do with Bob's parents, but print off information from the web and suggest books and give them to your girlfriend to give to her parents. You could do this as well to help your mum understand your girlfriend's diagnosis. Print info off about anxiety etc and give this to your mum to read before you sit down to talk about you going away to college with her. In regards to going to Birmingham college, despite living 40mins away from Brum I've never actually heard of the college you're going to and I so wish I had because I would have been there in a heartbeat I went to a different college/uni in Birmingham and eventually had to leave the course in my 3rd year because attending lectures and attempting a dissatation were too much at that time. Me and my boyfriend made it work despite me living at the college Monday - Friday. He drove down to see me a couple of times a week and I spent weekends at home so it wasn't too bad. However when we first got together I had already accepted a place at Brunel Uni in London. We got together in the May of the year and I went to uni in the September so we'd only had a couple of months together. I lasted about 4 weeks before I came home. At the time I said that I missed Bob too much and that I didn't like the girls I was living with. Looking back now, knowing what I know about Aspergers, it was actually 90% not being able to cope due to Aspergers and 10% missing Bob and my family. I spoke to him all the time on the phone and saw him Friday, Saturday and Sunday due to having no lectures on a Friday. I saw Bob a tiny amount more at Birmingham and still managed much better and longer because the atmosphere at Birmingham was better. It was a smaller college, quieter halls of residence, an understanding personal tutor etc. What I'm trying to say is that perhaps the upset you felt at Birmingham wasn't all to do with missing your girlfriend. Being a long way from home can be really scary and hard to cope with, despite having people around you who understand AS. Understanding doesn't take the negative aspects of AS away, it just means that more people should be able to help you cope with dealing with how the negative aspects make you feel. But essentially, those negative aspects are still going to be brought out because you're in a strange environment, starting new routines, being very social (going to classes etc). So perhaps you could look into Autism colleges or colleges that would be understanding of your AS that are a bit closer to home. Birmingham can't be the closest Autism college that there is between here and you. Being closer to home would also give you a chance to see how things work out between you and your girlfriend whilst still getting the qualifications that you want. As long as you look into all colleges and unis and not just plump for the closest college then you are well on your way to making a good compromise between your education and your girlfriend. If things don't work out you're not stuck on some meaningless course, you're still pursuing the right education so that should reassure your mum a bit. Research colleges etc with your mum and go and visit places and make sure that you are going to the right college for you. It is worth delaying and taking the time to try and get it right rather than just picking a college and then having to quit because it's not right. Last bit of advice. Talk to your mum about your anxietys and agrophobia. Or ring the NAS or local Autistic society. You don't have to just exist feeling like you are, there are ways to make things better and for you to feel better but only you can make this happen in the long term, though talking to someone should help you to feel more positive about doing so. The hardest lesson in life to learn is to trust yourself and believe in yourself and your own abilities. I thought I would never quit smoking or stop drinking diet coke. But I did it. By myself. And it seems like you've taken similar steps. If you've beaten smoking you CAN go outside your room and eat three proper meals a day. YOU CAN DO IT. And you have to, if you want to make positive changes in your life. You have to make yourself feel better. Eating something and having a shower and change of environment might be a good place to start. Make a list of all the things you want to change Make another list of all the things you want to do (talking to your mum, giving info to your girlfriend, looking at new colleges) Start making daily routines and give yourself at least 3 things to achieve that day i.e. 1. eat 3 meals 2. have a shower 3. tidy bedroom. And then the next day could be 1. eat 3 meals 2. look at colleges 3. go for a walk. Start simple and make them more complicated as the months progress. I'm sure you could come up with some fancy Word plan seen as though comps are your obsession. Ask your mum to help with your plans if you think that will work, I'm sure she will want to help, I guarentee the only thing she wants is for you to be happy, even if she doesn't always know how to make this happen. Get out of your room for a period of time each day (going for a walk not included). Start with 10 minutes spent in the living room. Then 15 minutes in the living room and kitchen. Bump up the time by a couple of minutes each day and don't set yourself to high goals. Achieving a simpler goal is much more rewarding than failing a hard goal. And finally, give yourself a break if you can. Stop beating up on yourself, there are plenty of people who don't have life all figured out. Me included. I know it seems like everyone else is more than capable of existing in this thing called life and yet somehow it feels like you're always hovering on the outside and you're not quite sure where you belong. You are already 'belonging' if that makes sense, you are existing, you're already living your life and you've only got one shot at this so the sooner you try to make positive changes the better. You are going to get it wrong sometimes, in relationships and other areas, everyone does but as long as you trying to live the best life that you can you can't really go wrong, you can only learn from things that didn't go exactly right and use them to do things right in the future. Wishing you all the luck I can, try to have a good christmas, I know how much it can suck for us Aspies but try to see the positives if you can. (the thought of opening my pressies usually does the trick!) The onset of a New Year gives you the chance to do things differently in 2007, it's yours to go and get Emily xxx (p.s. I'm 23 and still getting it wrong, but I'm still learning and moving on and putting more and more things right as I do it. It is possible! Sorry for the extreme length of the post, I should stick it in a book and charge you for it Nah I'm just kidding, it might be worth re-reading the post a couple of times to take it all in and try not to see it as me telling you what to do/having a go. I'm not, I'm trying to help!)

Hi Lancelot, Thanks for the, errm, thanks?! I've just re-read my post and thought maybe it came across as me thinking that you haven't done anything to understand your son, or the school? That wasn't my intent while writing the post I assure you, even though when looking at it on the whole even I thought 'oh, that's not how I intended that to sound'. I know how much hard work all you mums put in, but I also know how much people need to understand in order to help their kids to understand if that makes sense? I think on my mission to push understanding as the key term when looking for help raising a child with AS I perhaps at times get a bit gung-ho about it (is that the right term?) because of the fact that I went 22 years not knowing I had AS and so had no understanding or willingness to even stop and try to understand by both my parents and the school. I was just a naughty kid through and through. The fact that I knew I wasn't doing it on purpose but when asked what was bothering me I could only manage "Nothing." led to me spending my latter teenage years thinking I was mentally insane. I don't ever want that to happen to any other child, let alone any other child with AS. So when I urge you to read more, try to understand more even when you think you have tried every route and aspect possible it's for a very good reason because I know what people not understanding means. My dad still thinks half the times that I get upset I'm being stupid or over-reacting and this is because he is so set in seeing my behaviour as bad and so unwilling to accept it as anything else that I will never be anything but a naughty person to him. It's not the biggest injustice in the world by any means, but it's still enough for me to dread the evenings most nights in case I get upset and he's around. It's not something I want anyone else to experience, ever. So when I say try to understand and get the school to learn more about ASDs I mean just keep going, build on what you've got already but don't ever think it's enough because just because you know and understand something and explain it to your son doesn't mean he's processing and dealing with it all at the same rate. You've got a good couple of years of maturity and life experience on him. (This is not me calling you old either, I hope you know what I mean ) Anyway I know you didn't say that's even how you read my post but I re-read it and saw how some people might see it so I thought I would try and clear up my intent before it caused any trouble! Just one last thing though, I just want to try and help you to understand the whole incentive thing. If I asked you to sit in a bath full of scorpions whilst listening to your least favourite music and experiencing your least favourite smell and generally just asking you to put yourself in a situation that you know will make you feel uncomfortable and you know will upset you.....an incentive might help you to last an hour as well! For you it's just a concert watching your daughter perform, for your son it's HELL ON EARTH. And Simon this applies to your kid as well, and all AS kids. We don't understand why ANYONE, not just us, ANYONE would want to be in public situations/social situations because it is that unpleasant and full of things that cause us meltdowns. The fact that we can't put these feelings aside because someone else needs to be in that situation and we have no choice, yes granted, is because we can lack empathy in those situations but you have to remember you're not just asking us to walk around the supermarket for half an hour, you're asking us to battle a war with our senses with half an hour, we're not going to approach it running and smiling This empathy thing can be learned in time, I go shopping with my nan when she wants to go because she doesn't like going on her own. It's horrible and I hate doing it and if I was 10 I would probably have a big tantrum and act a right grump the whole time. But I'm 23 now and I know how much it helps my nan for me to be there so I grin and bear it and try to manage my meltdowns myself but I get home and I'm a mess for a couple of hours afterwards because of keeping it all in. Perhaps in time your children might learn these skills as well. Emily xxx

I'd say it is rather something to do with it being two seperate occassions. I'm 23 and Aspergers. Some days I can sit at my computer and the noise of the fan going doesn't even register with me. Other days I cannot sit at my computer for more than a few minutes because the noise of the fan is driving me insane. It's the same noise, the only thing that is different is how I am feeling that day. I don't know what triggers it or why some days are worse than others but I definately know when I'm having an 'ears' day or an 'eyes' day or 'skin' day. On these days I know my ears, eyes, skin, nose etc will seem to be more hyper-sensitive than normal or I will be less able to ignore the things that stiumlate my senses. That's just how it goes I'm afraid. Some days people will feel in a bad mood and sometimes they wont, simple. To understand it further you have to not focus on his actions but more focus on the atmosphere around him, the situation itself and his actions/feelings before you got to the concerts. It could be on the first day that he was having a bad day altogether, he might have been feeling more stressed than usual before going to the concert or feeling apprehensive about going. The fact that there were people jostling to get through the door and the sound of different trumpets being 'warmed up' could be the factor that led to the meltdown. It wasn't one cohesive sound, even the music didn't go together because I bet it was lots of different musicians playing random notes to get ready for the actual performance. The second instance he might have been having a better day altogether, he might have been in a better mood before he went to the performance and the fact that all the musicians were playing together (or trying to) would have made the effect on his ears much less bothersome. The fact that you offered him money to sit quietly would probably have not been the driving force behind his seemingly ok behaviour, rather he probably became so obsessed with counting down the periods of ten minutes that his focus shifted from the music onto the watch thus the effect the music had on his ears would have been less because he would be blocking everything out trying to concentrate on reaching the end of the 10 minute blocks. Granted he probably wanted to get to the end of the 10 minute blocks to rack up the 50ps but without looking at his watch and counting down the time I doubt he would have managed it. Besides, it would seem that �3 is a small price to pay for you to be able to enjoy your other child's performance. I think it might be worth trying to remember that he's just a kid with an awful lot going on his brain and a lot more to contend with when out and about in public than what 'most' other people have to deal with. From the way you describe his behaviour it seems that you view it as negative/bad behaviour ('moaning' and 'wailing'). This is a real sticking point when it comes to understanding AS because it is not bad behaviour for the hell of it, it's not attention seeking or play acting or just trying, purposefully, to be a pain. It is his way of telling you that he cannot cope in the situation and as he is 10 years old actually being able to verbally say to you "I can't stand it, can I go home?" is actually quite a big achievement for your son. Other AS kids at that age would probably not be able to tell you what was making them feel upset/agitated because they wouldn't yet have the understanding of what triggers these feelings. You have to try and see past the, what looks like, bad behaviour because what you see as 'moaning' and 'wailing' is him saying "look mum, this is the only way I can get what I'm feeling out so you can see what is upsetting me, please help". When a baby cries we look for a reason, we change their nappy, feed them, rock them...essentially we look for a source that is causing them to cry. When your son acts out or feels anxious/aggrevated you have to do the same thing. Look for the cause instead of focussing on the end result which is his behaviour/emotions. School would be wise to adopt the same approach and to try and further their understanding of ASDs at the same time. Some times the kid is going to be a pain and act up because all children do, it's part of growing up. The difference is, is that with ASD kids often what looks like bad behaviour 99% of the time is just a cry for help or way of getting all the negativity that they are feeling (because they are distressed and upset by something) out of their systems as they rightly have to do because they would probably go nuts if they didn't get it out. The key to reducing meltdowns is working together, with your son, to understand what triggers the meltdown and finding other ways to get the negativity out such as being able to tell you as soon as he starts to feel upset so you can find ways to reduce the stress so that it doesn't have to end up him crying in a corner because he feels so bad. I can't imagine it would ever be something he would choose to experience, I know I don't choose to feel upset and overwhelmed when I get like it. I know it might seem like I'm having a go and I'm really not, I'm trying to help, I'm trying to let you know what your kid is probably going through and experiencing because he probably couldn't get it all out just yet how he feels or is affected, he probably doesn't even know the full extent of what bothers him. These are things you can help him learn through time. So try to look beyond the bad behaviour and try not to tell him off when he has a meltdown (teachers should not be telling him off either because he really cannot help it) and try instead to focus your energy that you might spend worrying about his behaviour onto working with him to understand himself and his triggers a bit more. Emily xxx

I think delayed shock sums it up, it's like acceptance, accepting that your son is different because he is, and there is nothing wrong with that. Different doesn't mean less of a human being. I experienced a little bit of what you're going through earlier in the year. I got diagosed with Aspergers Syndrome last December aged 22 and at the time I was just so relieved to be told that I wasn't going mentally insane that I didn't really get to grips with how I was actually feeling. All in all I am positive about the diagnosis. In a lot of ways I prefer being Aspergers because it's who I am and it's the only way I know. To me, all the things Non-AS people do are weird and 'different' so it's not like I'd be rushing to push a button if someone told me it would make me Non-AS. I would never press it. However I have 'down' days just like everyone else and at times I do wish I didn't have such strong reactions to things. Earlier in the year I was feeling really blue over the period of a couple of weeks and I just couldn't put my finger on it, eventually I sought a cuddle from my mum and it was then that I said "it's never going to change is it". Accepting the fact that I'm never going to find going to a supermarket that much easier to cope with and that I'm always going to find socialising a bit of a nightmare, that I'm never not going to be bothered by noises etc. These things took time to accept. I would love to be able to sit down on a Saturday night with everyone to watch the tv and not be bothered by anything, but I just got to accept the fact that, that is probably never going to happen. What has happened though is through learning about AS and through communicating (as hard as it is) to my family about what makes me tick and what makes me meltdown, I am actually more able now to sit in the living room and watch the tv than I've ever been. For most of my teenage years I spent my weekends in my bedroom refusing to watch tv downstairs. I was labelled as rude and unloving of my family and the black sheep because, seemingly, I never wanted to spend time with any of them when the reality was I knew being around them made me mad but didn't know why. Now I know it's not them, it's little things they do, noises on the tv, the way I feel. I am so glad and thankful for the diagnosis most of the time that I can't imagine my life without it. I have a much better quality of life now I know about AS, and have started to learn about myself, than I did before and I cannot urge you more to just keep reading and researching and finding out because understanding is the biggest thing that can help the relationship between you and your son and the quality of life that both of you have. Now comes the tough bit and I really am sorry if this upsets you, but hopefully at some stage you might be able to see the positives in what I'm saying because I know how hard it is to see the positive in anything when you're coping with feeling down/depression. The thing is, you gotta get your head out of your hands and ultimately get on with it. As harsh as that is. I'm not saying you have no right to feel down, you have every right, but you can only feel down for so long before it starts affecting you and your son's future. At the end of the day there is nothing else you can do. His differences are never going to go away so you can either spend the rest of your life stressing about it and thinking 'why me, why him' as I'm sure we all do at some point, or you can accept and start trying to understanding and move forward positively. I have a big thing about dying, I know a lot of people with AS do because sometimes we are unable to ignore the bigger picture and focus on the little pictures around us instead. Sometimes I'm like, what's the point in living? Only going to die anyway. Or I get so upset and anxious and strangled by the thought of dying that I spend all day worrying about something that I can't change. I'm gonna die, we're all going to die, there is absolutely no point wasting time and energy over it. The negative aspects of my AS are never going to go away, I can manage them easier and learn ways to understand my needs but ultimately those negative aspects are going to be there in some degree or another. So what's the point in me moaning about being born an Aspie? I'm just going to ruin my life and not take advantage of having being given this chance at life anyway. It's like you said, Owen was a great kid before the diagnosis and he hasn't changed. It's important to remember that Owen hasn't 'got' something. He isn't ill, he isn't infected or diseased. Autism is often referred to as something you 'have' because often it's hard to describe it in any other way but it really isn't something you have it's something you are. The name Autism is only a label given to the common traits that most people who are Autistic display. Essentially Autism as a thing or whole doesn't exist, it's just a term for all the traits that make some people different. Same as Aspergers. I don't have anything I am something. So everytime you start thinking negative about ASDs and everytime another setback or thing he finds difficult occurs you gotta try and remember the positives and look at your kid and see him as just your child, that's all he is, he's just a kid who does things differently. By thinking positively and making sure you are doing everything possible to aid your understanding of ASDs then you have a great chance at a happy life. The alternative is to stay sat with your head in your hands and that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. I hope this helps a little and you can see what I'm trying to say. I'm not a nasty person but sometimes tough love is the only option <'> I do appreciate that it isn't what anyone ever wants to hear though, me included! Talk to the school, do some research into local support groups or associations. Look into statements on this forum, there is a wealth of information and experienced mums and dads Take a look at the National Autistic Society website and see what books they have available, there will be books for both you and your son. This isn't something you have to do, but I personally reccomend it, tell your son as soon as you feel like he will understand. You don't want him to have to live his life in the dark and then go through this whole acceptance/understanding thing years down the line. If you do you're restricting his chance as well of having a happier life. Talk to close family, and friends, if you want and get them to read the literature you will read because the more people that understand the easier it will become. But you must approach it in a positive way for it to work! Anyway, that's enough from me now, sorry about the length as per usual. I hope things get a little brighter for you. Emily xxx

Hiya, I was just having a ponder over this while I had my tea and I've not reached a definate answer but I came up with a couple of ideas anyway so here you go. A quick warning though, it's likely to be lengthy. I like to help and will tell you everything if I think it will provide a smidgen of help to you. Therefore it might be wiser to print this off and dip in and out when you can. Apologies in advance! It's a difficult challenge faced by any parent/relative, the child being ASD or not, as to what point we allow them to get involved with kids who are part of the "in-crowd" or hang around in a gang. I was just thinking at what point, if I could go back and make changes, would I have wanted my parents to intervene. As it happened I had to reach rock bottom and make the decision to make changes for myself when I found myself in a situation similar to your grandson. (I didn't know at the time that I had Aspergers) I was bullied, manipulated and used by a group of girls in my year at school. I was also bullied by girls in the year above and by the boys who hung around with each set of girls. I was also bullied by people from other schools who I hung around with/came into contact with during the evenings/weekends. I'm still not sure what, if anything, I ever did wrong. I think you could just tell that I was gullable and naive and a bit too eager to please/fit in. Inside I knew that I was different but I thought that was because I was ugly/fatter/taller than everyone else, that I didn't have the right clothes etc. I thought that the turmoil and differences that I felt inside was a result of these things when in fact it was how I felt and acted differently that set me apart. Despite the fact that I would have probably had a far easier life, and possibly a happier one, I'm still not sure if I would have liked people to intervene sooner. I would give anything to have known about Aspergers sooner and for my bad behaviour in school to have not been unquestioned. But I think through the bullying I learnt valuable life lessons that I don't know how else you learn them unless you experience it first hand. I learnt alot about 'cool' and fitting in and I can use that knowledge any which way I choose now. If the situation requires it I can remember how I used to fake belonging to that group and this gets me by when socialising with my boyfriend's friends. However I also know how to spot liars and manipulators and try-hards, people who still think (in their late 20s) that you have to be cool and part of the crowd. I'm glad in fact that I discovered a world outside of the shallow cool world and can be happy with few friends and little interest in liking things just because others like them. Also at the time I was constantly told to make different friends and try breaking away from the group of friends I had but it's harder than it sounds because firstly, I didn't want too. As much as these people were vile to me at the time I didn't really realise to what extent. I also still wanted nothing more than to get it right and to be just like them. The longer the bullying went on the more my feelings changed and ultimately I was so turned off by them that I was then able to make the decision myself to step away. It's like giving up smoking, nobody will do it for you, you never want to quit if someone tells you too, you will only quit when you want too. Also everyone in school belongs to some group or other. Loners and one off students don't exist because they simply belong to the group of loners and outcasts in the school. In this instance whatever group you fall into in the first couple of years at school tends to be the one you will stick with because by aligning yourself with one group you pretty much cut yourself off from everyone else so it's almost impossible to forge new friendships. You sit by your group in class, you hang around with them break times, if you try to break away they will notice and then you're likely to get bullied even more. Most days I can't think about the bullying and have lots of things locked away deep down inside that I don't ever want to dig up and this does upset me but at the same time I learnt valuable life lessons about friendships and trust and I would like to say I'm a bit better at it now, even though I generally prefer not to have friends at all. Just my boyfriend and family and a couple of friends. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything because I'm hugely happier being like this. I no longer feel I have to or want to go out on a Friday night and socialise/drink. Those situations are just uncomfortable and stressful for me anyway and I only end up making friends and losing them quickly again so I'm just happy as I am. Without putting a negative spin on life I'm glad I learnt my lessons early on because I only have to look at my parents to see that I am the better off. They have a group of friends and they are all always gossiping about each other and falling out and making up again. It doesn't make them bad people, that's just what friends do and it's what they want to do it seems and maybe this makes more sense to Non-AS people. But me and my Aspie brain say no thank you! So anyway, here are some ideas you could try. If your grandson doesn't already know about Aspergers I would urge you to tell him straight away so that he can start learning and understanding what makes him tick. Even if he does know it's important that he never stops learning so you could get him books/resources that deal with Aspergers and other people's experiences and advice. There are some books written by teenagers with Aspergers so this could be a big help (The National Autistic Society have an online bookshop where you can look at the books available). I would definately get in touch with the National Autistic Society anyway to see whether any befriending schemes are up and running in your area. It would also be a good idea to ask them to look and see if there are any other local autism/aspergers associations around as they might run similar schemes or probably have much better ideas/advice than me. You could also get in touch with your grandson's school to see if they have any advice/ideas. Another idea I had was that you could perhaps get in touch with the local police force to see if they could help. (Though it would be asking people to do favours and make an extra effort so it might not be worth pinning your hopes on anyone offering to help) I was thinking they might be able to get you in touch with a reformed teenager who may have had an ASBO or committed crimes when younger. Kids always look up to those a few years older than them so advice from them about ASBO's not being so cool after all could be good. You could also ask the local prison/young offenders prison if a small tour/visit could be arranged so your grandson could see the negative aspects of causing trouble/committing crimes. Again you're asking people to put themselves out for your son but you don't know until you ask. (You could also ask the National Autistic Society if they would assist you in asking the police/prison services) If your grandson is happy hanging around with these people and doesn't show too much sign of distress/upset through the bullying then I would be tempted to say leave him be. I know it doesn't sit well with us who have been there and know what he has to face and know that the kids bullying him is wrong and that he doesn't belong to the group. But it might just be something he has to figure out himself. Of course everything is within reason so if he does start to act out/show signs of behaviour that he doesn't normally, if his school work begins to suffer dramatically etc then I would start making a noise and making changes. Keep in close contact with the school in this case and maybe perhaps look at moving schools if things get really bad. A change of school in Year 11 helped me get GCSEs, there is no way I would have sat the exams if I had stayed at my original High School. Because I was labelled as naughty but bright I was placed with the bright kids at the new school and didn't have to hang around with the cool crowd anymore. I still talked to them and smoked with them in the toilets but I was able to hold off any attempts to make me part of their gang and could exist between the two groups of friends because I was in my own group of being "the new kid". Another idea is to get your grandson books that deal with bullying/socialising that might help him deal with what is happening to him. Hope some of this helps! Emily xxx

Hi Lindyloo, Unforunately I don't have any further info regarding the diagnosis process because I was only diagnosed last year as an adult and this had to be done in Birmingham because I was told there was no one in Staffordshire who could make the diagnosis of an adult (grrrrrr, this was a blatant lie I have since found out). But I just wanted to suggest that you could try getting in touch with either the North Staffs Asperger/Autism Association or Autism West Midlands for further advice. Or the National Autistic Society. I have been to the North Staffs offices to have a chat with a member of staff earlier in the year when I wasn't coping very well on my own because my parents were on holiday. It is a very small place but might be ideal for a one-to-one chat. I'm not sure where in Staffs it is in regards to you, but it is in Newcastle Under Lyme, but here's the link to the website anyway North Staffs Asperger/Autism Association The only downside to NSAAA I find is that they describe people who have Aspergers as people 'who suffer from' Aspergers. This is only because it contradicts in what I believe, nothing else. While I might face challenges or have to deal with things that non-Aspergers people don't have to, I certainly don't 'suffer' all day every day. There are many positives to Aspergers Syndrome that people forget! Hope this helps, Emily xxx

It is a tricky one when it comes to Neurotypicals (that's non-Autistic/Aspergers people) understanding some of our more curious habits. My advice, let her have the obsessions because they are never going to go away, even if you try to stop it. Obviously everything should happen 'within reason' and if the obsession takes over the child's ability to function in every day life (i.e. if left to their own devices they won't attend school or something similar) then perhaps it is worth implementing a daily routine plan and allot specific 'free' times when the child can indulge in their obsession all they like. If your grandaughter is Aspergers then a routine would be a hugely positive step forward anyway. Other instances where taking steps to prevent an obsession would be if the obsession was affecting others in a negative way or was taking the form of inappropriate behaviour. Being obsessed with another person is one major thing that I can think of that would definately have to be monitored or stopped. Obsessively hurting another person also is a no-no. It's basic common sense really, if the obsession is harmless then let them be. Most people with Aspergers would probably tell you that they would be far happier living in their own world of their obsession than trying day after day to go out and socialise/play with other people just because it is what most people do/think people should do. The thing is when it comes to dealing/accomodating Aspergers kids you gotta pretty much throw away the rule book that we all use when dealing with most kids. You can't expect Aspergers kids to have an easy ride socially nor can you expect their behaviour to mimic or be anything like that of non-Aspergers kids. That's the whole point, we *are* different, there's no point trying to shoe-horn us or mould us into non-AS kids because we are never going to stop being Aspergers. We can find ways, eventually, of accomodating our differences, making adapations and changes so that we can live a happy life as well as everyone else and we can also make positive changes to minimise the effect that the negative aspects of AS can have on our lives. This won't happen straight away and might never happen altogether, again that's the point you can't magic away our negative aspects of AS just as you can't change our positive aspects such as having a higher IQ than most or having good manners. The best advice I can give is to just listen to your grandaughter, tell your grandaughter as soon as you think she's able to process the information if she is Aspergers because the sooner she knows the sooner she can begin to understand. Read, read, read and never stop trying to learn about AS because understanding really is key. Also I would just like to give my opinion here and say that I personally don't think there is such a thing as 'borderline' Aspergers. You either are or you aren't. The thing is, is that we are all different and some exhibit traits of Aspergers more obviously than others. I find it is also different in girls because the challenges we face socially and with communication can often be different to/less apparent than what AS boys face. I'm not trying to 'have a go' or tell you you're wrong, I'm sure there are others out there who do believe that there is something such as 'borderline/mild' Aspergers, I just don't believe that myself. I think it is far better to know/accept that the child is out and out Aspergers and accept them and make adaptations to accomodate their needs and fully embrace their differences positively. The problem I have with the whole borderline thing is that you're basically placing the person in no-man's land when it comes to helping them to define/understand themselves. You're saying you're not like most people but you're also not fully Autistic. I had the same problem trying to accept myself or understand and my needs when I was first diagnosed this time last year because my mum kept saying that I had 'mild' Aspergers. She was basing this on the assumption that it must be 'mild' because I had gone undiagnosed for so long when the reality is most of my traits are mainly non-visual. You would have to get to know me to know my differences if that makes sense. Anyway, that's just my penny's worth about this point, like I said it's just my opinion it doesn't mean I'm right. Sorry for the length as per usual Hope this helps. Emily xxx I just wanted to add also that I think Curly it might be a good idea to print this topic off for your grandaughter's parents to see and also have a look around the site to see what other things have been mentioned in regards to obsessions because there are always threads on the go about obsessions it seems. Also in regards to the obsesion being appropriate to the age, at the minute I'm obsessed with painting by numbers and I'm 23. I'm quite happy with it and my parents have learnt to expect the unexpected so there's no harm. You could try to influence the obsession if you really wanted to try and change their focus but due to the nature of obsessions I don't know how successful any attempt might be. The 'real' bear tactic seems a good place to start though as long as it's done positively and she can see it as furthering her knowledge about bears. Again when it comes to her getting picked on/teased by her peers unfortunately obsessions or not, it's probably going to happen anyway if she's Aspergers because of the whole communication side of things and the fact that we tend to be very gullable/naive. Maybe the knowledge that she has her obsession to come home too might make going to school seem a little bit easier?

Probably not, but it also doesn't mean that you don't already wear them seen as though you are a big girl anyway Emily xxx

Pfft, FINE! Sorry I asked Now then Mardy Bum.....nah I'm just kidding, sorry it didn't go so well TN, hope you're feeling better this afternoon. I honestly sympathise tremendously and you gotta give yourself a pat on the back or sumfink for just sticking it out. I have a tendancy to run away very fast....I say run away, it's more like a waddle but you get what I mean. Tbh I would have never have even got there in the first place I would have had a meltdown at work and run home and then have lost my job or resigned through shame. So at least you still have a job/income, though I know how much you hate it right now so I guess it is little consolation. Maybe in the new year you should start sticking the 'feelers' out and see what else is around? Maybe give your local jobcentre a visit and ask to talk to those who help people with disabilities not only find work but suitable work. You may find a more AS friendly employer this way. I know it's hard work and all that jazz finding a new job and making changes but maybe you're due a change for the better. 2007 will mark the start of a new era in your life so perhaps you should challenge yourself to break routines and try new things for one year only, and if nothing positive happens then you can call me a narna and go back to your 2006 way of life. Tis just a thought Emily xxx

Dude, How did it go? I've just got back from another helacious 4 hour shopping trip. I only wanted a shirt for Bob and some gift tags but my mum wanted a few things as well so it meant going to more than 2 shops which usually means HELL ON EARTH! Anyhoo, I was just sitting here slurping some stew for me supper and I was feeling sorry for myself because my feet hurt and I don't want to talk to anyone. But, I know Bob will ring in a minute for his usual chat so I can keep him company while he drives home from band practice. (Not band as in flutes and whatnot, band as in an actual band, like "Roooock" and all that malarky) So I was pouting and thinking wah wah wah when I realised I have nothing to wah about because I bet you've had a tougher time than me today. Why I can't say that in one sentence I don't know, my brain just goes "must give background information". You'll get over it Anyway hope it went ok and wasn't too much of a pain in jacksy. Emily xxx

I got an adult diagnosis on the NHS but had to fight for it. At first I was fobbed off and told there was no one in the area who could do an adult diagnosis (though what the flippin difference is I'm still not sure) and that there was nothing they could do we're very sorry and all that rubbish. But we persisted and contacted local Autism charity who gave us a list of professionals in the nearby regions that could make the diagnosis. We picked one at random and asked the GP to refer us. They did so, reluctantly, and fortunately the doctor agreed to see me and over the course of a year (but this only amounted to 2 appointments) I was diagnosed. However I had to act as the information relay between the professional and my GP as apparently if you are not communicating to someone within your region you lose all ability to write a letter/send a fax However, now, for everything else if it's something that needs a referral for we claim off the private insurance and get a private referral. The difference, in my experience, is amazing. Appointments within weeks and not months. Doctors who are willing to listen and make further referrals and are not afraid to book you in for tests and blood tests and whatever is needed because they are getting paid for it. Whereas it's the other way round on the NHS because you're costing them money. Put simply, I have been bandied around and referred to all sorts of people from gynos to psychatrists to neurologists to psychologists over the years trying to get someone to listen about a problem that I've always had with my hormones. Nobody ever bothered to listen and I was treated like the plague. After a suicide attempt I begged my parents to start using the private insurance and do something. This was a couple of months ago and since then I've been seen 4 times and in that time been assessed, had scans, got a positive diagnosis and have seen my first referral on the step towards getting treatment. I have my next one Thursday next week and already have my check-ups booked for February for the initial doctor and the first referral doctor. All this for about the same as what I pay for my car insurance a month. Brilliant. My mum was also referred and seen in less than a month regarding her health concern and my nan is receiving ongoing treatment through her insurance and gets treated quickly AND with respect. Something that a lot of pensioners cannot get. So for a diagnosis see how it goes on the NHS, but if you're struggling to get a refferal or are having to see lots of different specialists as I know a lot of you have too I would consider paying privately or taking out private insurance. Even just for the intial appointments, you could always ask to be referred back to an NHS doctor for further treatment if required. Emily xxx

Did I say run? I meant waddle like a penguin. I'd stand no chance Unless you run like the big girl that you are that is Northern violence eh.....ooooooooo.....scaaaaaaaaared. Let me explain again what I look like. A big fat Johnny Vegas look-a-like, only a girl. (Just about) Lots of fat means lots of weight behind punches which means that I would kick your skinny running like a girl bum. We aye no pushovers in burrrmingham don't yow know. And anyway my boyf just happens to look a bit like a Serbian arms dealer so you'll have to face both of us. Nurr Nurr Nurr Emily xxx P.S. You better start teaching the g-pigs how to lift weights!

Oh alright, for goodness sake! Don't get your knickers, oops, I mean VERY MANLY BOXERS in a twist. Sheesh, anyone would think you've got something to hide Emily xxx Shouting and whinging about being called a girl is still a very girly thing to do, no? Ya silly blubbering wench! *runs off*

Wait a minute....I'm confused! Do you mean that if you cry at the end of Bambi it would be a typical Aspie thing to do or non-typical? I know the tea thing and obsessions are typical but I'm a bit confused on the other two I'm very good at Sudoku *blows own trumpet* and I picked it up quite quickly. Similarly I blart my eyes out at the end of Bambi and any other Disney film where a character dies. In fact, nowadays I only watch two thirds of most Disney films because I can't watch the death bit. (Except for the Lion King where I only watch Pumba and Timone doing the hula dance...*clears throat* "If you're looking for some big fat juicy meat, come and try my buddy Pumba here cos he's a treat, come and down to dine, on this tasty swine, all you gotta do is get in lineeeeeeeeeeee. Areeeeeee you aching (yup, yup, yup, yup) forrrrrrrrrr some bacon (yup, yup, yup, yup) heeeeeeee's a big pig (yup,yup) you could be a big pig toooo, huh!") Ahthankyouverymuch I mean for goodness sake, I'm already questioning my alleged Aspieness because I haven't bricked anyone this week and no one has pointed at me and yelled "run for your lives, it's an Aspie!!!" Are you now telling me that just because I can't watch the end of Cool Runnings (why doesn't it show them going back next year and winning gold, damnit!) or can't even look at the box cover for Ghost, are you insinuating (how very dare you) that, that is un-Aspie like? Me dear? An Aspie dear? Well dear? No Dear. Just because a person likes to play the same game over and over again while wearing the same clothes day in day out, doesn't mean that I can't make eye contact and don't get jokes. Me! An Aspie? How very, very, dare you. Anyway, you were probably meaning that it was an Aspie trait anyway, or that you're just a big girl (muahhahaha). Either way it doesn't matter now, I've completely lost the plot. It must have been christmas shopping, physical christmas shopping (I already did everything I could online) that has sent me over the edge and made me speak like a bad Catherine Tate character. What a ****** liberty!! Glad you took my post in a positiveish way, I was worried you would start blubbing like the girl that you are, or worse, release your inner evil Aspie and come and beat me to death with a brick. Phewww! Emily xxx

BFB that's ace advice. Draw a really rubbish graphic art thingy, whatever it is you people who draw do, and then maybe he won't ask for your advice anymore. Ta daaaa! Anyway, here it comes TNT so deal with it. You know what I'm going to say before I even say it and yet I'm still gonna, so nerrr. (Before I do though, I totally know how you're feeling and CAN sympathise) BUT. What else did you want him to say? He's a man, dude, he's not gonna say "hugs and kisses and feel better soon" or anything like that. Well he did, he said what he said, that's just a bloke's way of doing it. He's also similarly not going to say "well I won't ask you right now because I think you need to go back to bed and keep feeling sorry for yourself." You have every right to sit in bed and feel terrible, every right, you've had a stinker of a year and it's nearly over. You also have every right to sit there for as long as you want until you feel ready to feel better again and think more positively. But just because you have put most things on hold at the minute so you can get to grips with all the bad things that have happened, it doesn't mean that everyone else is going to be thinking the same. They have their own lives and own distractions and own problems and to them those things are the centre of their world. Just like the guinea pigs and being on your own and your injuries are probably the things at the front of your mind right now. It doesn't mean that they're selfish for being concerned with their things or you're selfish for being concerned with yours. It's just life innit, nothing or nobody is perfect. He is probably aware of the difficult situation you're in right now but might have forgot to what extent when he asked for your help. He might also have thought the work could take your mind off things for a while. He also did show as well, in his own funny (and admittadly, annoying) way that he does care and that he is thinking of you and wanting you to be happier and feel better again. Surely that is better than nothing. One of the biggest things I have trouble understanding and coming to terms with as an Aspie is that NT people don't see the way we see. They almost can't see over/around the day to day immediate things that concern them. For example, some people are racist but they can't see the bigger picture of it being pointless to waste energy and emotion hating people when we all live together and instead can only focus on their immediate feeling/concern of I hate black people or I hate white people. NT people can also be selfish and act in a not nice way to get what they want. I don't get it either, but it happens. What I'm trying to say is that NT people have many a great "faults/flaws" that we Aspies don't understand. But that's just the way that THEY are wired. In the same way that they don't understand us and our "faults/flaws" because it is the way WE'RE wired. An NT person's selfishness is like an Aspie's inability to get jokes. It doesn't make us bad people or them bad people, it's just the way we are. Everyone can learn and adapt and make changes and some people are better than others. Not all NT people are complete weirdos As much as we want people to give us a break sometimes and take us into account with things like eye contact or being in a social situation, we also have to give NT people a break for not getting everything right all the time. For making mistakes and not engaging the brain before acting. For sitting down to write an email to a friend asking for help and not 100% stopping to think that it might not be the best time to be asking them. It's not coming out exactly right what I'm trying to say, but I think you will know what I'm banging on about. Ultimately while you have every right to be upset at throw away insensitive comments like your friends, and to expect them to be a little more understanding, at the same time not everyone has all your problems/bad things that have happened at the forefront of their brains because in there as well is their own problems and things like "what shall I have for tea?" or "what time is that programme on I wanted to watch". Give yourself, and your mate, a break. Email him back and say thanks for the chin-up but.....and try to explain a little bit more about your situation and include everything because chances are he might have forgot to think about some things. If he's worth keeping as a friend he will understand and hopefully back off a bit. If not......keep practicing drawing poo piccies :lol: Emily xxx