Suze Report post Posted November 7, 2006 I,m on a downer..........sorry guys .I have a few close friends who offer me great advice and support, and we have lots of laughs too.One good friend was there when my son threw a big wobbler at the weekend.His dad was with him at the time not me.I think from talking to her today he went off on one, and appeared to everyone else to be a bit spoilt and in need of a good telling off and discipline.He upset his few friends , by wanting to be left alone and shouting at them.I chatted to my friend about this and what happened at the weekend.I ended up having a real old cry about it.My friend is a real jokey person, and tried to make light of it , but it just filled me with sadness.I was left questioning stuff, do I give him enough discipline??............. am I so fearfull of him having a meltdown that I let him get away with stuff?............or am I just so sad that my dearest mates don,t understand his condition ?..........I know that if my son shouts at me , if I speak quietly to him and leave him , a few minutes later he will be calmer and THEN I can explain to him why his behaviour was unacceptable.Rather than jumping on his behaviour in the heat of things and it escalateing.I,m feeling so sad right now,I want him to behave better, be nice to his friends ...............but how ? .............is it my fault as a parent that he does it? , can being firmer make a difference.?..........usually it makes it worse. .............I feel my parenting skills are ###### , I,m not strong enough to cope .My boy is a great lad . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Come on Suze - you're a great mum otherwise you wouldn't worry Can't offer any advice (my two offspring are placated by carrot and hay so I'm hardly a fountain of knowledge in the parenting stakes) but can send you a <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Hiya Suze - Not gonna comment on the 'should I /shouldn't I's' right now 'cos I think they are very big questions that only you can answer... I DO think though that to be able to answer them you have to be in the 'right' place yourself, and from everything else you've said I don't think you are there right now <'> When you're in the 'wrong' place you question everything, and the judgements you make are usually 'wrong' too because you only see them from one perspective. In the long term, love, support, encouragement and understanding are all far more important than discipline for discipline's sake, and if other people don't understand that we just have to accept it... Try to look to the long game: Keep the boundaries, expectations and consequences clear, but do so in a way that is appropriate to where your kid is along the learning curve. Meanwhile, all that love, support, encouragement and understanding smooths the journey for everyone, so take a good dose of it for yourself: you have equal rights to it to, you know! <'> Sorry, did I descend into 'mawk' at the end there? Aggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Must be getting old! Keep bouncin' hun L&P (as always) BD <'> PS: How's that whole CAST thing going? Update when you're ready please! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted November 7, 2006 DOH!!! Just gone down the 'new topics' list and found your other post! Ignore that 'PS' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mum22boys Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Suze, We all feel like this from time to time. We deal with a lot more than other parents so please don't beat yourself up about being a bad parent. I too question the way I am with my kids....do I let them get away with too much so I don't have to have a meltdown, am i strict enough??? The list goes on and on..... - I'm sure you know what I mean. Today I had exactly the same feelings. I bought both kids new toothbrushes, same design different colours. I had to weigh up who would kick off the most if he didn't get the colour he wanted to choose. I chose M as he gets very violent if things don't go as planned and getting a new toothbrush was bound to be stressful. I then had to deal with R scream the place down because he wanted the green one. Most parents don't have these things to deal with. to them buying a new toothbrush for their kid is just a run of the mill thing to do...for us we have to think it out and consequently pay the consequence for doing something so simple. You are strong enough to cope as you are coping, today seems difficult and tomorrow may be better. Hope you are ok. mum22boys <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Suze <'> <'> <'> I constantly question my abilities as a mum, not only in coping with the girls, but also am I giving my ds enough time and attention. Wish I could offer some advice which would make it all alright... Your not alone <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynyona Report post Posted November 7, 2006 <'> <'> suze <'> <'> I ask myself the self same questions over and over again.And if you asked ds1 he will tell you that in his opinion i let k get away with to much because he knows i ll make allowances for him and yes like most kids he plays on that.I have yet to come across a right way and a wrong way to the parenting but i find what works best for you is the best way to go <'> <'> lynn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted November 7, 2006 <'> <'> So sorry that you are having a low day. Sadly, the reactions of others towards our kids when they are out of control is all too often judgemental and with all the ups and downs we have to handle, it is no wonder we often ask ourselves if we are doing the best for our kids. I'm sure all parents ask themselves this question, maybe we have more occasions to ask it of ourselves though!! I try to understand their reactions by thinking that if I hadn't had my DS first, I would have probably reacted in much the same way. As parents, we all try to do the best for our kids and naturally seek to try to protect them from anything or anyone that may hurt them. I went through years of being ostracised by the other parents at the school gate for being the mother of "that naughty boy" and had the odd public dressing down over my supposed lack of control I can't really offer any help, but would agree with the other posters that we have to deal with much more than other parents. The only people who can really understand are here, or maybe at a support group if you can find a good one! Keep Hope that your day gets better. BD - you sound so sensible! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Suze <'> I know how you feel i have had good friends over who i thought understood but i just dont think they do. Unless you have a child with asd or are very close to someone who does noone really knows what it can be like. I know its upsetting when friends say things because you feel like rubbish but its not your fault im the same with my son. I often feel angry that they dont understand but then i just think well TUFF if they dont like it or understand then, to me its not worth the stress of worrying over them. Your the only one who knows how to deal with your child and my son behaves worse when left with my husband too. Sorry your feeling like this <'> Brooke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Suze <'> <'> <'> <'> Putting into perspective.... don't forget that your ds is suffering the first flush of adolescense...and freewheeling his way to the terrible teens.... which we all know is a double wammy for kids with AS, AND their parents. There are so many changes going on, not just physical... it takes a while for the transition to secondary to settle down...etc. You're a fine mum Suze... don't lose sight of that. I'm totally with you on the not 'having the chat' when the meltdown is in process... what would be the point? I know with Bill I always have to wait until he's calmed down before I discuss the rights and wrongs with him otherwise he just escalates into more of a temper. It's not always easy, but don't give into pressure from those who don't fully understand (no matter how well meaning they may be).... we understand our boys.... we know what works and what doesn't.... have faith in yourself. loadsa love Flozza <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie Report post Posted November 7, 2006 I spend my life worrying that I Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie Report post Posted November 7, 2006 I spend my life worrying about things and really am my own worst enermy, so i know what uou mean. We can only do our best, it sounds to me I would have exactl the same! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Oh Suze Sorry you're feeling blue <'> <'> You are most definitely NOT a bad mum. You've had loads happen recently - i'm not surprised things have gotten to you. <'> I can sympathize with the friends not understanding. Some of my closest friends are great to be with, we have a giggle etc.... But even trying to explain AS to them is difficult. As has been said before - unless you live with it - it's very, very difficult to understand. It's a tricky situation - i'm sure our friends don't mean anything nasty by it - they simply don't understand . That's why this place is a lifeline to me . As for the parenting - you are doing the very best you can - no-one can tell you how to bring up you're children. Not even another parent with a child with AS/D........ Somethings that work for my son - would have disastrous results with my friends son (also AS). Every child is an individual, regardless of their strengths/difficulties. You know your son best <'> . Only you can figure out if you're doing the right/wrong thing. I know when i've been very down - and just plain exhausted - i have probably let M 'get away' with things that i would normally jump on. WE ARE ONLY HUMAN hun <'> . If you're anything like me - once you're feeling stronger that 'ohhhhh no you don't young man' will kick it . Take it easy, Chin up chicken <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted November 7, 2006 <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted November 7, 2006 I,m on a downer..........sorry guys .I have a few close friends who offer me great advice and support, and we have lots of laughs too.One good friend was there when my son threw a big wobbler at the weekend.His dad was with him at the time not me.I think from talking to her today he went off on one, and appeared to everyone else to be a bit spoilt and in need of a good telling off and discipline.He upset his few friends , by wanting to be left alone and shouting at them.I chatted to my friend about this and what happened at the weekend.I ended up having a real old cry about it.My friend is a real jokey person, and tried to make light of it , but it just filled me with sadness.I was left questioning stuff, do I give him enough discipline??............. am I so fearfull of him having a meltdown that I let him get away with stuff?............or am I just so sad that my dearest mates don,t understand his condition ?..........I know that if my son shouts at me , if I speak quietly to him and leave him , a few minutes later he will be calmer and THEN I can explain to him why his behaviour was unacceptable.Rather than jumping on his behaviour in the heat of things and it escalateing.I,m feeling so sad right now,I want him to behave better, be nice to his friends ...............but how ? .............is it my fault as a parent that he does it? , can being firmer make a difference.?..........usually it makes it worse. .............I feel my parenting skills are ###### , I,m not strong enough to cope .My boy is a great lad . Try not to let others make you feel bad about what you're doing. I know it's hard, but if you know that what you do is the right way, then just be confident that you know your child best and YOU are the expert when it comes to him. <'> ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Thankyou all for your messages <'> .............his behaviour at the weekend was pretty bad........he completely lost the plot by all accounts.One other parent kindly told my hubby how he,d handle a child like that, physical force by all accounts. ..................I can just imagine what would have happened. I had a good chat with my husband about the situation at the weekend, too see if he felt my son needed more stronger discipline.But he feels like me that it would have just made things a whole lot worse.So I feel more confident in myself as a mum.Sometimes though like this morning when I went to wake him up and he screamed at me to get out ,I feel I should stand my ground with him, instead of quietly leaving his room.But then he would never have got up at all or gone to school.I don,t want to be a door mat , but am I behaving this way cos it,s the easy way out?.............not asserting myself and my authority?.................is that what being a parent is? My self esteem gets so low sometimes, then I blame myself for my sons autistic behaviours, if I was stricter would he be the way he is.If when he shouts I put him in time out would that help curb his behaviour? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat Report post Posted November 7, 2006 You and your husband know where the boundries should be and when to push and when not to. As for the other parent who would know what to do I wonder if they would be as keen to make bold statements about a child in a wheel chair or carrying a white stick? Cat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted November 7, 2006 I have tried "time out" naughty corner and shouting etc but it really does not work. I had the bruises to prove it. I wish i could be more calm. I remember my mum (before diagnosis) saying i would give him a good smack (alful i know shes nice really!!) but i NEVER would. Deep down i knew it wouldnt work and couldnt do it as he wouldnt of understood so i think it sounds like your doing a good job. If i say aww comeon whats wrong and go to cuddle him it tends to work its just trying to remember to do that when hes screaming and lashing out So dont feel bad it sounds like your doing what he needs. Brooke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathrynh Report post Posted November 7, 2006 <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elun1 Report post Posted November 7, 2006 Hi Suze I'm new on here (well sort of rejoined really!) but I know what you mean. I've had friends that w've spent time with who I've thought understand ds2's problems but they don't really. I think it hurts most of all when people pass judgement who you care about and therefore you care more about their opinion. It's really hard being a parent anyway but our children are so different that discipline is just a minefield. My ds is 5 and a half and all the discipline techniques I used for my eldest just wouldn't work with him at all. Some of his behaviours are appalling if judging by 'normal' standards but he can not help it. He has big problems making sense of people's reactions and I haven't really a clue how to discipline him but usually he is worst of all when communication is at his worst and he just can't express what he wants, and it all comes out as this horrendous behavior. We all have terrible days as coping with this is really hard. You are being an excellent mum. You wouldn't be posting about this if you weren't Elunxxxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loupin Report post Posted November 8, 2006 Hi suze Your morning sounds like it starts like mine!! My boy will say GO out Go away You stupid idiot, all triggered by Good morning Lovely!! Like you I often wonder if i should say dont be so rude and get firm but then every ones day starts really badly as the anger escalates. So like you i go out take another sip of my tea... look at my 4 year old who dresses himself and is a little ray of sunshine and think ok its not my fault ... i got that one right so i cant be to use less a mum.....and go back in offering drinks and cuddles or the world on a plate if he will get up and let me dress him! No one else can critisize how we parents do it with our precious ones because they will never know what our life is like. You sound like a good mum to me and the fact that you are thinking about your stratedgies for dealing with your son shows how much you care. <'> <'> Dont you all just love people who go mmmmm he wouldnt do that if he were mine.....mmmm well and then give you that look!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfingersbimbo Report post Posted November 8, 2006 yeah it always feels worse when its a friend being judgemental doesnt it.....i have lost friends cos in the end i have told them that they dont know what they are talking about.....and funny enough they have all been in the "that child needs a good slap" brigade....... i am having a similar problem with a friend......i cant talk to her about anything with el as you can guarentee (?) she will come out with "oh my s does that / all kids do that".....its so annoying.....the only problem she has with her daughter is personality clash. it really does my head in tbh. she even said one day "oh s like's to pretend she's a dog so i got her out of it by giving her a slap if she does it in front of me....." i had to walk away..... you know your child best, and dont let anyone tell you different..... <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
