Stress of xmas

[madmooch]

HI All,

H isnt coping well at all with xmas - at school they are rehersing the play to be held on tuesday, having xmas dinners, party's etc. (this is a school for asd's) and he is coming home sobbing his heart out, going for his sister and now nipping and scratching me and his dad- he's up 5am every morning and not going to sleep intil 10pm - he has dark circles under his eyes and last night when i stroked his back he flinched

I'm sick of telling his teacher he's not coping well and last week i got aletter saying they are taking the kids to a very busy shopping centre to see santa I said no so he was put in another class - lesser of 2 evils i suppose but still not ideal.

Why when this is a school for asd's do they put our kids through this?

The first time i went to see H's play he was 3 and had just started the school- he was a sheep.

Most of the kids in the hall were covering their ears and rocking and screeching and i said to my hubby never again- it was so cruel so i kept H off during the play last year but i cant do that every year

 

Sorry just wanted to vent

 

Clare

[Bagpuss]

Watching the play couldn't of been a pleasant experience for anyone.....its sounds horrific I agree, that if your child isn't enjoying being involved, then withdrawing them seems to be the only option. Our youngest dd really struggled with the nativity play last year, and I swore never again. This year I was fully prepared to withdraw her, if I felt she would gain nothing from the experience. However, she enjoyed it. Have the staff given you any explanation as to why they feel it is necessary to visit busy shopping centres etc? It must be heartbreaking for you to witness your child going thru so much stress and anxiety. From what I've been reading of late of the forum, many parents are experiencing the same. Thinking of you <'> <'> <'>

[madmooch]

Hi Bagpuss,

The only explanation i get is - well he'll have to get used to it

But i'm the one coping with the fallout and a very unhappy boy

 

I mean why does he have to get used to going to see santa at a busy shopping centre

 

Clare

[loulou]

Hi Clare,

 

<'> I agree about the shopping centre thing. I'm sure you wouldn't take H there yourself, i know i would never take Kai to see Santa. It would be a horrible experience for him, for me and for Santa!

 

Kai is not coping well with all the Christmas stuff at the moment either. He's having alot of meltdowns and isn't sleeping very well. His behaviour at school is not good either (he is usually the best behaved in the class). I am impressed though that his teacher has picked up on the fact that all the Christmas activities could be causing this (it's an EBD school).

 

I'll be glad when normality returns ,

 

Loulou xx

[board]

my dd is the same she is all over the place at the morment crying all the time hitting us wakeing up in the night screming she said to me the other moring i wonder what we will be doing in school to day she is worrying about eveything she is biteing her nials all the time so i know she is not couping well but will not show them in school she is well behaved in school but soon as she laves look out all hell breaks lose one more week to go all the best jill

[madmooch]

I was giving The kids their bath and H was putting his head under the water and coming up spluttering and repeating this over and over - it's getting me worried - he's really stressed.

 

I hate the *insert rude word here* school for putting him through this.

[Bagpuss]

Really shocked by the school's attitude Clare Why does your child have to get used to nativity plays and going to busy shopping centres to see Santa....... If anything, these sorts of occasions and environments are more likely to cause him stress and anxiety, not be enjoyable. I wouldn't even consider taking our youngest dd to a busy shopping centre to see Santa. <'> <'>

[Canopus]

Why when this is a school for asd's do they put our kids through this?

 

To please the parents. If a school doesn't put on silly pointless events like xmas plays and sports day whilst another school half a mile down the road does, then the head will think he is upsetting the parents.

[oxgirl]

I'm surprised, madmooch, that an ASD school doesn't know better than this. They should really be keeping Xmas low-key and not stressing all the children out unnecessarily. Do you think the other parents feel the same as you?? If you do, why don't you get some of them together and write a joint letter to the teachers asking for a less ambitious Xmas celebration next year. If they are only doing it to please parents and the parents hate it then maybe they'll listen and tone it down a bit for next year. Honestly though, I'd expect them to know better than this! (*sigh*).

 

~ Mel ~

[onlycrazygal]

my son is creating like never before, over christmas.....hes not sleeping, he wants his presents early and doesnt see why he cant have them early. he cant think about anything else.....

repeating himself over and over.....hes down, tired, wants to cry, hes angry, frustrated and wants to sleep till christmas. keeps saying hes never felt so bad in his life, only bad things keep happening to him.....angry with himself bcos he cant cry.

hes drivin me fluffin bananas.....hes gonna blow....shaking an banging the glass table

hugs,

paula

Edited December 18, 2006 by onlycrazygal

[lorryw]

Clare, what on earth is a supposed for asd children playing at. I have grave doubts that some of these provisions actually know what they are doing.

We have a couple of children with asd at the school where I work and as soon it became obvious that they werent coping they were given a structured timetable. They simply couldnt cope with the Christmas play/pantomine etc etc.

There seems to be this "oh well, they will get used to it if they do it a few times". Autism doesnt work that way and Im constantly amazed that professionlas continue to think it does.

It continues in further education. My friends son is 19 and attends a "specialist unit" within a 6th form. Her son has panic attacks because he doesnt know what will be happening the following day. Its basic autism awareness stuff but the College were amazed when my friend pointed out that asd youngsters need structure and routine.

[madmooch]

Clare, what on earth is a supposed for asd children playing at. I have grave doubts that some of these provisions actually know what they are doing.

We have a couple of children with asd at the school where I work and as soon it became obvious that they werent coping they were given a structured timetable. They simply couldnt cope with the Christmas play/pantomine etc etc.

There seems to be this "oh well, they will get used to it if they do it a few times". Autism doesnt work that way and Im constantly amazed that professionlas continue to think it does.

It continues in further education. My friends son is 19 and attends a "specialist unit" within a 6th form. Her son has panic attacks because he doesnt know what will be happening the following day. Its basic autism awareness stuff but the College were amazed when my friend pointed out that asd youngsters need structure and routine.

 

Exactly, i'm so sick of telling them H isn't coping and they just turn a blind eye - At the last ofsted report at the school i went in to tell the inspectors what i thought was wrong but alot of other parents were saying things like "how can you improve on perfection" These parents must have cottonwool for brains either that or theyve been brainwashed

 

I cant make the school change when other parents are acting like this

 

Clare

[butterfingersbimbo]

my advice would be to keep your babe off school next year, that a school who are supposed to be experienced with meeting the needs of children with asd's can come up with a hair-brained plan like this is absolutely horrendous!!!!

 

if there are any other parents whose children are not coping well either, i would see if they are willing to join with you and make a formal complaint.

[Cat]

Some parents actually want their kids to be stood on a stage at this time of year fingers in ears or not I know that this is hard to believe but it is true and certainly about 'this' school. Most of the parents are well pleased with it - so how do you change that?

 

Cat

Edited December 18, 2006 by Cat

[butterfingersbimbo]

what stupid selfish people they must be to put their children through this

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Know exactly what you mean. I recall my son's nursery nativity play only too well - for all the wrong reasons! Robert was running around screaming and shouting. It was awful. All the parents were huffing and puffing and tutting away. It should have been Robert's school nativity on Friday (just past). I kept him off. School think I'm neurotic because they think because he does really well in rehearsals, that everything is fine. I asked them what they thought would happen once they'd sold their 200 tickets and had a hall full of parents. I told them I wasn't prepared to put Robert through a potentially distressing experience (and I'm not prepared to put myself through the heartbreak of watching him becoming distressed). I also pointed out that I didn't want my son becoming the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons, in addition, parents' wouldn't thank headteacher for it. Headteacher was sympathetic (but she didn't have a choice). It's really difficult, because I'm being criticised for being negative. For all I know, he may have done really well, but until we have a clearer picture ...

 

Crimbo parties are always difficult too. It'll be a classroom full of P1's plus Robert's classroom assistant. Think that's a good opportunity for them to see for themselves what happens (that probably sounds awful, but I wish the school could see what I see!).

 

Guess the key is to go with your gut feeling and keep things as low key as possible.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[elun1]

Disgraceful: your poor little boy. All schools should know better but one that is meant to have knowledge of asd's should really be brought to task over this. My youngest ds (also severe autism) doesn't 'get' christmas at all but finds change of any kind hard. I HATE going to anything like his sports days - it always ends in tears (mine not his!) but always feel gulity if I don't go.

<'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

my daughter had her play to thank, phew thank god it's out the way.

 

She loved it and I enjoyed it for her but thinking if my son was still attending the school and had to take part in it he would not of coped it was bad enough having him sat on my lap squirming and fidgeting then on the floor with his fingers in his ears every two minutes saying i'm bored I wanna go home.

 

We stayed till the end of it as I didn't wanna upset my daughter by leaving.

 

I can understand why many schools even ASD ones do want the children to participate in christmas activities, however I think it should also be a parental option and the decision left up to the parent, after all we are the ones who have to deal with the children not coping.

 

I also think that maybe in special schools for ASD whatever they do, parties, plays etc it still needs to be time-tabled visually exactly what is going to be happening and whatthe children are doing.

 

 

I think only you can decide what is best for your child, wether he attends school when they are holding out of the norm activities or doesn't, take care <'>

[Tilly]

I'm a bit late to this thread but I'd just like to comment on a few things which have been said. My dd attends the same school as Madmooch's son and I would like to offer my take on things.

 

Each year my dd has become more stressed doing the Xmas play and after last year I told the HT that she would not be doing it this year as she wasn't getting a positive experience from the whole thing and for my dd coping with things which she has to do are enough for her to cope with. I received nothing but understanding and dd did not do the play, mind you she knows all the songs from the play and sang them beautifully at home. I did not expect the school to cancel the play or parties etc. because I know a lot of the children who do have an ASD at the school do enjoy the festivities, unfortunately mine doesn't, but I don't expect the other children to miss out because my dd can't cope. It was the play yesterday and I kept dd away from school, but today I have sent her even though its her Xmas party and she looked very tearful about it all and I felt like the worst mum on land. I know that if dd becomes too stressed that she will be taken out as it has happened before.

 

For me the school has been very understanding and if I have had any grievance I've always had a positive feedback.

 

Tilly.

[mossgrove]

I am also very late to this thread.

 

The whole issue of whether or not to have a school play is not an easy one. Out eldest boys attend an autism-specific Special School and last years nativity play (When they had only been at the school a few months) was not a positive experience for them.

 

This year was a different Story, J (9, Aspergers) in particular took one of the main roles and did it very well and I have had parents I scarcely know coming up to me and saying how well he did. H (6, ASD) went on stage and sang some songs as a part of a group, which is amazing for him as he used to be unable to cope at all with a room full of people. Overall it has done a lot for their confidence and self-esteem.

 

So saying that an ASD-specific school should not have a nativity play is too simplistic. For some children with Autism doing things that are slightly outside their comfort zone is the right thing to do if they are prepared properly. For others it is not the right thing to do.

 

Simon

[Cat]

I don't think that anyone is suggesting that an autsim specific school should not have a nativity play. I am certainly not. But if you attend a play at such a school where there are children stood on the stage with their fingers in their ears or are visably distressed then you have to ask what they are doing taking part. Not having a play is not the issue - the issue is who takes part.

 

I went to see a Pantomine last week where the whole cast either had ASD or a Communication disorder, it was brilliant, every child on the stage were there because they wanted to be not because they needed to experience everything that NT children do.

 

Cat

[Tilly]

I don't think that anyone is suggesting that an autsim specific school should not have a nativity play. I am certainly not. But if you attend a play at such a school where there are children stood on the stage with their fingers in their ears or are visably distressed then you have to ask what they are doing taking part. Not having a play is not the issue - the issue is who takes part

Cat

 

 

Exactly how I feel, that is why we opted out of doing the Xmas play for my dd and I stress once again it was no problem with the school. Yesterday was the Xmas party and dd found it a bit too much and was removed to help out elsewhere.

 

I have read many of Madmooch's comments on the school and the parents and feel that it was "seen" through anothers eyes. I must add that I am not one of the parents who have "cottonwool for brains or have been brainwashed"

 

Tilly

[Gardenia]

My son also attends the school tat Madmooch is referring to. I personally don't think that it is bad as she paints it out to be I find the staff to have a vast wealth of knowledge and experience in ASD. I also think that some of the comments made by Madmooch are rather rude, the ones that are directed to the parents e.g. brainwashed and cottonwool for brains. as I was at the meeting that Mm is speaking about I take that quite personally. looking back on Mm other posts it seems she does not like the school which is fair comment and she is entitled to her opinion, but why on earth be insulting about other parents who like her only want whats best for their child.

[madmooch]

My son also attends the school tat Madmooch is referring to. I personally don't think that it is bad as she paints it out to be I find the staff to have a vast wealth of knowledge and experience in ASD. I also think that some of the comments made by Madmooch are rather rude, the ones that are directed to the parents e.g. brainwashed and cottonwool for brains. as I was at the meeting that Mm is speaking about I take that quite personally. looking back on Mm other posts it seems she does not like the school which is fair comment and she is entitled to her opinion, but why on earth be insulting about other parents who like her only want whats best for their child.

Sorry if i offended anyone, i am just angry with the school which never has taken any of my complaints seriously - because he doesnt show his emotions at school and waits until he gets home, which many of our children do.

Maybe the class your children are in is better but i have had this for the past 3 year of complaining and not getting anywhere, and frankly i'm at the end of my tether, they dont let me know of any changes at school which affect him & all i get in the school diary is he's been fine, but when he gets home he's sobbing and trashing the house and up screeching and crying at 2am and when i phone to ask if something has changed they say oh yes such & such happened

 

As for the other parents at the meeting, i'm sorry but the comments that were made dont help anyone - no school is perfect and can be improved on, just because maybe their child is happy there doesnt say everyone elses is and yes maybe it was a bit strong my use of words but as i have said, i'm at the end of my tether and close to breaking point - i havent had a decent nights sleep in god knows how long and going through a hell of alot of stress with my daughter.

[PW66]

I too have a son attending the same school, and thought the comments about other parents at the school where totally unwarranted and unnecessary. Any problems you're having is not the fault of other parents.

 

You're right, Madmooch, in that many of our children are fine at school (something to be extremely thankful for), but will act out at home (this goes for many NT children too). If the problems are so bad, whne school returns in February, I would definately recommend getting in touch with the school and ask for a meeting, from personal experience, and speaking to other parents of their experiences, the school will listen to you and between you all, perhaps you can come up with some strategies, and solutions to all that is going on.

Ask the school what strategies they use, and perhaps you could implement some of them at home so that H has some things happening that are the same at home and at school?

 

I'm definately not brainwashed, nor do I have cottonwool for brains - nothing in life is ever perfect. But I do know that whenever I've had a problem, I've found the school very approachable and happy to work with the parents.

 

Paula

[madmooch]

Like i've said Paula - I'm sorry for offending you and other parents - i know it's no excuse but i'm really going through it at the mo and do tend to lash out when upset which i suppose many of us do <'>

 

 

 

I do know what strategies the class uses and they have never worked on him at home - to do time out with him i have to pin him down - which is not easy as he's a big lad for his age and very strong, also my daughter was starved of oxygen at birth and has developed problems of her own so it's not easy dealing with 2 of them and i'm not very well so i'm very frustrated at not being able to do things like i used to.

 

I will contact his teacher when he goes back and try to sort something out.

Maybe if I'd had someone who knows the school to talk to it would be a bit easier.

 

I am very sorry <'> i really didnt mean it just lashing out <'>

 

Clare

[PW66]

Clare, I totally understand that you're going through it right now, I know its not easy, and time outs didnt work for C either. And you're right, we do all lash out when things are getting on top of us. And I know myself, i can take things very very personally, especially when I'm feeling really down. ( and at this time of year)

 

One thing that may help, I know it has helped other parents, is that the school is running another nurturing course sometime in January - PM me and I can let you know who to contact, and give you a bit more info if you like - its a great way to pick up tips on how to deal with certain situations amongst many other things, as well as talking with other parents in the same situation. Or PM and tell me specific things and I'll see if I can come up with things that have worked for C. Tho I understand it may be difficult for you to attend with the little one too.

 

The school has a very good parent network, who are always willing to help each other out, and offer great support. And the group, and coffee mornings are basically run by the parents, with hardly any 'interference' (SP?)(and for want of a better word!) from the school.

 

Take care, and have the best christmas you can.

 

Paula

[PW66]

Can I just add, before anything else is said, that Clare has PM'ed me, and I've given her my email addy, and offered to do what I can to help and support her.

 

Paula

 

Merry Christmas, and best wishes for the new year.

[Suze]

<'> oh I,m so glad <'> things seemed to be getting a bit heated...........well a bit luke warm, ,hope you guys can sort something out.Madmooch, take care , have a lovely crimbo <'>