Self-induced isolation ..........

[oxgirl]

I'm feeling quite confused at the mo.

 

I feel so lonely and isolated, I have no friends and I spend each day without saying a word to a soul. It's not how I want it but I've lost any confidence I ever had and am so out of practice at mixing with people it just seems easier to be alone somehow. I had the chance on Monday to go to a local support group and I had it in my diary and was looking forward to it but when the time came I just couldn't face it. I ended up going for a run, alone, and I felt such a failure and that I had let myself down.

 

Does anyone else find it just easier to be alone rather than making the effort to socialize??

 

~ Mel ~

[brooke]

Mel

<'> <'> I really know how you feel i plan a time out and then when it gets round to it i decide i just cant go i think its cos im stuck in most of the time and feel safe. my hubby thinks im mad. Its just what you get used to. I oftern have to force myself to go to things and really worry but then when i do i always feel better after. Dont beat yourself up about not going maybe you could try again when you feel a bit better. At least you'll be fit with all your running <'>

Brooke

[dolly]

I feel the same at the moment been invited to a friends for coffee tomorrow and im sitting here trying to think of an excuse not to go.

[Bagpuss]

Mel,

 

I've felt like that too. Sometimes its just easier to be alone. TBH after the mayhem of the kids, I sometimes look forward to them all being at school, just to switch off and think about nothing. DH and I joined a couple of local support groups, but I was so nervous about going I kept putting it off. In the end DH went alone, and then I went. Now I will go alone if he's working, and it gets easier each time I go. Often the fear of doing something, is far worse than the reality. I also found I isolated myself from those who care. Not deliberately, just felt I had nothing worthwhile to talk about. My life felt so far removed from theirs, and the only time I felt any sort of a connection was when I spoke to someone who was a parent of a child with ASD, or an adult with ASD......infact I've discussed things on this forum my closest family and friends are not even aware of. It is a vicious circle, the less you socialise, the less you want to, and the fear keeps nagging away. I was even worried sick about the Newcastle Meet Up and wouldn't have gone had DH not agreed to go......but thankfully I went, and I've met a fantastic bunch of people! So wish I lived nearer to you Please go to the support groups. Have you considered a college course, evening maybe? Joining a gym? Aerobics class? What about arranging a forum meet up for your area? Sorry I can't offer anything more than a cyber shoulder and hug <'> <'> <'>

 

Take care hun x

Edited March 13, 2007 by Bagpuss

[Clare63]

Oh Mel, I am so sorry you are feeling so down and can empathise with your "self -induced isolation" sometimes I keep the curtains closed and refuse to answer the phone, even if its a friend just ringing for a chat and to see how we are doing. I just get so fed up about talking about our life to people who don't really understand, who are so full of bright ideas etc etc This forum has become so special to me I feel I am getting to know the members and as BP said share things I would not with close family. You have always been so kind and supportive to me.

 

My saviour is my little dog, she asks for nothing but a couple of walks a day which gets me out in the fresh air I have also meet a small band of lovely people up the fields who do not judge me and with whom I can be myself.

 

I am still waiting for counselling, perhaps that something you would consider, I am hoping it will help me to look at life with fresh eyes.

 

Perhaps we could organise a "meet" say middle/south england, I would certainly go !

 

If you ever fancy a chat, you are more than welcome to phone me or I'll call you, just send me a PM for my number.

 

Take care and hopefully things will improve soon.

 

Clare x

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks so much everyone, as usual you are my rocks and you all rock (pretty good huh!) <'> <'>

 

I always remember my mum used to say to me that making friends gets harder as you get older and she was right, of course, as they usually are. I must try and keep exercising my social muscles, but they feel very stiff and out of shape at the mo, I'll have to take it easy at first, I don't want to strain anything ........ sorry, feeling a bit flowery today.

 

Cheers peeps. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[witsend]

Mel - you are always a good friend to the people here, I know it's cyberspace but it still counts!

I've sometimes thought about joining a support group but have never quite done it, I'm not much of a group joiner I suppose.

Are there no courses you fancy doing (bit of a cliche I know) but if it was something you were interested in then maybe the pressure to just 'make friends' wouldn't be there so much. Sorry if that's a ridiculous suggestion I obviously don't know if that's a practical option for you. But I know it's horrible when some days you realise you've not had a real conversation with anyone.

Take care <'>

Luv Witsend.

[oxgirl]

Mel - you are always a good friend to the people here, I know it's cyberspace but it still counts!

I've sometimes thought about joining a support group but have never quite done it, I'm not much of a group joiner I suppose.

Are there no courses you fancy doing (bit of a cliche I know) but if it was something you were interested in then maybe the pressure to just 'make friends' wouldn't be there so much. Sorry if that's a ridiculous suggestion I obviously don't know if that's a practical option for you. But I know it's horrible when some days you realise you've not had a real conversation with anyone.

Take care <'>

Luv Witsend.

 

 

Thanks a lot Witsend, I appreciate that. <'>

I'm not really good at groups either really, I tend to end up sitting in the corner with a soppy, fixed smile on my face either feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb or else feeling invisible. The only club I'd like to join is the running club really, but don't fancy going out in the evening .......... or am I just making excuses - probably.

 

Cheers. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

Mel

Just wanted to give you a hug <'>

You have made me very welcome as a newbie on this forum & I'm sure you will have lots to offer the people at the support group as well as lots to gain from it. Its obvious you want to connect with people or you wouldnt be on here, its just that its easier in the virtual world isnt it?

Take a deep breath & try the support group, then at least if you dont like it you'll have given it a go.

I'm not having a go, if you are quite happy in your own company then fine, but sounds to me like you want more.

Good luck hun xx

[aawmum]

Yes I do. It is just easier because I find I can't cope with the usual bitchy back biting you get at work. Having an autistic son means I don't want to go to work and hear all that rubbish. I now do typing at home and don't really miss other people. I have always had to help myself in the end anyway so they are no use.

People question me about my son and I can tell it's freak curiousity and not kind interest.

My husband is a gem and we have a good life together so that's enough for me.

[bikergal]

Hi Mel, I know what you mean. I spend most days during the week without speaking to another adult just stuck in the house It is hard to get out of especially if you've been like it for a while. I am trying to get out once a week to meet for coffee with a friend in the city. No other real advice to give as I'm struggling on this one myself. Take care <'> <'> <'>

[marshmallow]

I struggle with this one too, alot of the time I don't even want to the school run because I find the social gossipy wait at the gate hard! Sometimes I go through periods where I find it difficult to post on here because finding the words difficult. Like clare, I will often ignore the phone and keep the curtains shut!

Socialable human aren't I.

 

Sending you loads of <'> <'> <'> .

[Fletts]

I struggle with this one too, alot of the time I don't even want to the school run because I find the social gossipy wait at the gate hard! Sometimes I go through periods where I find it difficult to post on here because finding the words difficult. Like clare, I will often ignore the phone and keep the curtains shut!

Socialable human aren't I.

 

Sending you loads of <'> <'> <'> .

 

I can really relate to some of these posts. I have wondered if it was just me. I think I have some of the difficulties with socialising in the same way my son does. I'm fine, one to one and with my family, but I've never felt the need for lots of friends the way some women seem to (including my own 26 year old daughter). I used to avoid the school gate thing as well. I never really felt I fitted in and didn't feel the same as them. I also knew they didn't like my son, so avoided them for that reason as well (oh dear, getting all upset now, think I'd better stop).

[aawmum]

Hate the school gate!

[Clare63]

Oh my God.........Oh how I hate the school gate tooooo..

 

I want to give you all a BIG <'> you guys really understand.

 

All I can say is thank heavens I found this forum.

 

Clare x

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Ps Mel, hope today has been better for you <'>

[oxgirl]

God, I remember the SCHOOL GATE all too well. All the other mums huddled around in little groups arranging playdays and visits for tea and parties and gossiping, and me standing on my own feeling desperate. Because my lad had no friends, it meant I didn't develop friendships with any of the mums of his classmates, so I was just as isolated as him. I think that's were it started probably. It's just as bad now. All the other kids in the unit are dropped off and picked up by taxi and I'm the only one sat there in my car waiting, watching all the NT kids spill out and make their way home, not sure which is worse.

 

I've felt so depressed today, and I've done nothing but stuff my face all day, which just makes me feel even worse.

 

~ Mel ~

[bikergal]

Aaw Mel, <'> <'> <'> take care hun

[Clare63]

Aw Mel, least us lot can stick together and you've got loads of cyber friends and supporters.

Don't suppose it will help but have loads of these... <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Whoops it told me I put many emotions on !!!!!!

[marshmallow]

<'> <'> <'> <'> Hope you feel better soon

[curra]

God, I remember the SCHOOL GATE all too well. All the other mums huddled around in little groups arranging playdays and visits for tea and parties and gossiping, and me standing on my own feeling desperate. Because my lad had no friends, it meant I didn't develop friendships with any of the mums of his classmates, so I was just as isolated as him. I think that's were it started probably. It's just as bad now. All the other kids in the unit are dropped off and picked up by taxi and I'm the only one sat there in my car waiting, watching all the NT kids spill out and make their way home, not sure which is worse.

 

I've felt so depressed today, and I've done nothing but stuff my face all day, which just makes me feel even worse.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Mel, <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I just read this thread.

If it's any consolation, I am another socially isolated person who is stuck in a flat. During my son's school years I 've always waited alone for him at the school gate. The other kids came out talking to each other, my son always was the last one to come out and he was alone... What a sad feeling Many times he left his jacket, PE kit or even his schoolbag in the school, so I had to go in and get it. I think that the teachers and the other mums looked at us as "odd people". Luckily he goes now by taxi to school with 3 other AS boys (they don't talk to each other).

If you don't choose to be alone, then doing some activity with other people may help a bit. It's not easy to make friends, but at least you can have a little chat with someone once a week and that helps. Who knows, it might even turn into a friendship. It's very difficult to start, but once you are in a group that you like, it can get easier. Do you know any of the other AS kids' mums? (in the unit). My only contacts at the moment are a couple of mums whose kids are in the unit with my son. Our children are not friends so it's not easy to get together, but when I chat to them at least I feel I'm talking to someone who understands me.

 

Hope you feel better today. Don't forget that you've got lots cyber friends here!!

 

Curra XX

[oxgirl]

Thanks guys, I'm gonna try and have a run today and not stuff myself with biccies. Didn't get much sleep last night, so feeling rough.

 

Sorry you're in the same position, Curra. <'> Nope, I don't know any of the other mums at the Unit, I never see them, only the kids' taxi drivers. I must make more of an effort to do something, it's just working up the enthusiasm and I feel flat as a pancake at the moment.

 

Cheers all. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Mel,

 

You also mention that you feel depressed. Maybe counselling would be a good start. It has helped me quite a lot . I have counselling at a local charity for disabled people which is only in my area, but perhaps there is something similar where you live.

 

Curra XX

[Bambi]

<'> <'> <'> <'> Aww hun i hope ur feeling better real soon and yes that school gate!!! I never had the time for that and parents never spoke to me anyway. I feel very isolated and tight now i dont have a life im just existing as each day goes by. If u ever need chat hun feel free to pm me and dont ever feel alone here.

 

Bambi x

[Luigi]

Hi Mel,

 

If it wasn't for my wife arranging nights out etc, I don't think I could be bothered to go anywhere. So I know how you feel.

 

I've just started reading a book called 'Cognitive Behavour Therapy For Dummies' (sure got that name right) and although I'm only part way through it, I think it might do me some good.

 

This is how it's explained on Amazon "We all have aspects of ourselves that we would like to change, but many of us believe that a leopard can't change its spots - if that's you, stop there! "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies" will help identify unhealthy modes of thinking - such as "a leopard can't change it's spots"! - that have been holding you back from the changes you want. CBT can help whether you're seeking to overcome anxiety and depression, boost self-esteem, lose weight, beat addiction or simply improve your outlook in your professional and personal life.

 

Apparantly CBT is the one area of therapy that can be self-taught.

 

Anyway, I'm giving it a go and i just thought I would mention it in case it would be of any help to your situation.

[oxgirl]

Curra, glad to hear that counselling is helping you. <'> I've actually got an appointment with the GP for next week and I'm going to ask about going on the waiting list (if I can pluck up the courage to go).

 

Bambi, sorry to hear you're in the same boat. Cheers for the support. <'> <'>

 

That book sounds interesting, Luigi, good luck with that. Let me know if you found it helpful. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[witsend]

Oh the school gate thing hate it too!

My sister and I have a collective name for all those cliquey competative mothers who turn there back on anyone who doesn't fit in with them, we call them the Muffia (mothers mafia), think we read this in a book somewhere and made us laugh. Not actually sure now I come to think of it if it has rude conotations (the muff bit? ) think I better stop there!

Go to that appointment Mel and let us know how you get on OK?

Luv Witsend.

Edited March 15, 2007 by witsend

[curra]

Well done, Mel, !! I hope your GP refers you to counselling.

I take counselling as an opportunity to talk things over with someone who understands and I find that my counsellor's support is helping me build more self confidence. I was also a bit nervous at first. You can pluck the courage too.

Hope it goes really well for you. <'>

 

Curra

[oxgirl]

Cheers guys. <'>

 

Glad you're getting on well with the counselling, Curra, I'll let you know next week if I managed the GP appointment.

 

Witsend - haha, muffia, yep, I like that.

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

You know, DH and I used to throw a coin to decide who would face the Mummy Mafia if he was off work..(that's what we named them)

 

We found that you would find very definate little groups forming, and sometimes I used to feel like I was back at school myself..... alone in the playground with no one to play hopscotch with

 

Over the years...and the many, many moves, I've met some lovely parents in the playground though But now eldest two are old enough to walk to school, and youngest gets transport, we no longer have to face the Mummy Mafia, and I don't miss it one bit.

 

Good luck with the appt Mel <'> ......taking the first step is so hard, and I nearly didn't go. Infact I sat in the waiting room trying to think of another ailment I could suddenly develop before I was called in

 

Had approx 2 months of counselling now, and its the best thing I've ever done. It's been SO helpful Wished I'd of gone a long, long time ago..instead of trying to soldier on, believing it was a weakness to admit everything wasn't fine, fine, fine.

[NikkiSmith]

A daft as it sounds, it good reading this topic as it's making me realise it's not just me that hates the school gates and dreads going to support groups (and has to really psych herself up to go, but more often than not I talk myself out of actually going)

 

It's very hard finding people who truly understand life in this house and don't judge me.

 

Maybe I'm just too self-conscious.......... I find throwing all my energy into redecorating the house far easier then dealing with other people - sad huh!

 

Running sounds like a good way to clear your head and meet new people............. if only I were much fitter and capable of a little co-ordination!

 

Nikki.

[oxgirl]

I sat in the waiting room trying to think of another ailment I could suddenly develop before I was called in

 

 

Haha, Bagpuss, I've been doing the same thing all week!! I'm worried that I'll feel good on the day I go and I march in there all confident asking for counselling and he looks at me as if I'm mad!!

 

Glad it's going so well for you. <'> <'>

 

Nikki, people are so difficult to cope with, aren't they! <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

You will feel so much better once you've been Mel <'> Sometimes just taking that first step is the hardest....and I also found once I sat and began talking about how I'd been feeling to the GP I ended up in tears....and I'm someone who never cries infront of anyone Just remember they deal with this day in and day out.....and I think it's probably one of the most common difficulties peeps go to the GP with <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

You will feel so much better once you've been Mel <'> Sometimes just taking that first step is the hardest....and I also found once I sat and began talking about how I'd been feeling to the GP I ended up in tears....and I'm someone who never cries infront of anyone Just remember they deal with this day in and day out.....and I think it's probably one of the most common difficulties peeps go to the GP with <'> <'>

 

 

<'> <'> <'> I'll let you know how I get on, it's Thursday!

 

~ Mel ~

[forbsay]

Hi Mel

 

Sending you lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> .

 

I feel like you as well sometimes. It is hard.

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

[oxgirl]

Hi Mel

 

Sending you lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> .

 

I feel like you as well sometimes. It is hard.

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

 

 

Cheers Forbsay. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[aawmum]

After reading these I am proud to be socially inept! I think the problem with people who don't like the school gate is that they are just nice people. The school gate lovers are generally gossipy and competative with their children, hoping their child is the top in reading book leagues.

Being a nice, quiet person is a rare and lovely thing.....so there!

[oxgirl]

Being a nice, quiet person is a rare and lovely thing.....so there!

 

 

Haha, quite right too!! <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[phoebe]

The school gate...........................

The other mothers........................

Even the other children..................

I have felt exactly the way you describe and still do often.

Sometimes wonder why my life seems to be so full of stress and want to close out the world.

Have done too, but there is a difference between closing out the world and enjoying some you time, giving yourself a little pamper and shutting yourself off.

Go to the docs, sometimes we just need a little helping hand. It wont be forever.

Well done for making the appointment - take care of you and keep us posted <'>

Phoebe

[shortie]

I know how you feel,sometimes i'd rather be alone but some days i havn't got much choice as its just me and DD thru the day!!Try to go to support group it could do you good.I used to go to local one but DD's at pre school on that day and i don't drive so its not possible to get back in time for her coming home but will go back when she starts full time in sept,i think it does us good to know we're not alone in what we go thru!!sending you lots of <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks Phoebe and Shortie. <'> <'> Life just seems like such a struggle sometimes, doesn't it. <'>

 

~ Mel ~