I hit her

[frazzled]

I hit my 5 year old daughter today. We are homeschooling and are working through the holidays to try and catch up on the work she has missed while the school failed to understand her.

 

I was so angry that she couldn't do what I asked her, that I smacked her. I feel awful and am unable to find anything that would excuse what I have done.

 

I am posting because I want to know whether there is any one out there who has felt this way. I don't get any support from my husband or family (they are all in denial) and all the friends I had disappeared when it became obvious that we had a special needs child. I would like someone to look after me for a change but know that I just have to get on with it.

[Bard]

I hit my 5 year old daughter today. We are homeschooling and are working through the holidays to try and catch up on the work she has missed while the school failed to understand her.

 

I was so angry that she couldn't do what I asked her, that I smacked her. I feel awful and am unable to find anything that would excuse what I have done.

 

I am posting because I want to know whether there is any one out there who has felt this way. I don't get any support from my husband or family (they are all in denial) and all the friends I had disappeared when it became obvious that we had a special needs child. I would like someone to look after me for a change but know that I just have to get on with it.

 

The fact that you feel awful and ashamed is important, because you know that you lost control over the situation, and over yourself.

I often get asked how I can bear to be a teacher of difficult, rude and challenging children, and the answer is 'Because I'm not emotionally involved'

You have a very complicated mess on your plate at the moment, and the relationship with your daughter has too many pressures to be stable. You love her, and feel that school failed her. You want to do your best for her, so you're home -schooling as a better choice. That puts huge pressure on you. Other members of your family disagree, so as well as getting no support for your action in HS, you are probably getting lots of little negative comments as well.

And now the home schooling isn't going as well as it might.

'She couldn't do what you asked' Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't feel like it? whined? hid under the table?

And you hit her.

There isn't anyone to look after you, and now you're an adult, there may never be.

A teacher is an educator, a facilitator. A parent is for nurturing, protecting and ensuring that the baby, infant, teenager becomes an adult who is comfortable and confident about who they are. Sometimes you can combine the roles, sometimes you can't. With any child, it's a challenge. With a child who has specific needs, it's harder.

Are you getting support from the various home-schooling services and providors that exist, like Education Otherwise?

This was, presumably, the first time you have hit her like this and for that reason. She will recover much more quickly than you, but you need to be very aware that if you can't separate the two roles, then maybe you will need to look at other alternatives to home schooling. You shouldn't ever hit a child because they aren't able to do what you ask of them.

You have my sympathy and understanding, but you musn't let yourself get to that point ever again.

Edited August 13, 2007 by Bard

[pearl]

I have nothing to add to that brilliant reply, except this <'>

[brooke]

<'> i think everybody at some point gets pushed to the limit weather it be with kids or colleges or family, we just need to learn when that trigger is and be able to control the situation the fact that you have no support will not help. Dont beat yourself up over whats happened just learn from it and you wont let it get that far again, i find i tell myself "walk away walk away" when my son really kicks off, and i feel myself losing control. It just gives me a few mins to calm down. Can you get any respite at all? Sorry i dont have any better advice

Take care <'>

Edited August 13, 2007 by brooke

[ellisisamazing]

Bard's brilliant post says it all!

 

It sounds as though you are totally exhausted and I understand totally how you can get to this point, the important bit is not losing control, but you are at the end of your tether and something had to give, I suppose... I really feel for you and I admire the fact you have posted what you have...Can't you show your OH this thread...you shouldn't be bearing the brunt alone, just because he can't face up to reality!

 

I just want to say... walk away, put headphones on, sunglasses, run outside and scream...take 5 mins away and then try again.

 

Take Care, and don't guilt trip yourself, but please ask for help from your family, its what they should be doing too! You need time out.

 

Lisa xx <'>

[pragmatic]

Frazzled,

 

I have nothing to add to all the excellent replies, we are just humans and when you don't have support from the very people you love it is so hard and it seems the battle is so much in your shoulder. This is not to justify the hitting but to understand what is happening and obviously you love her to bits and you are taking so much to do because of your love and it is precisely because this LOVE that you get so much frustrated. Brad is absolutely right being emotionally detached is a very important element for teacher but it is impossible for us parents to be detached we are their mums we are deeply emotionally involved.

 

 

One of the things that I used to do when my son was younger is to stick written instructions with bold black pen in all the places that we work together, his room, the kitchen the living room and so on. Simple message like, 'Count to ten'; 'hitting won't solve anything but will make things worse', 'take a deep breath' and so on. I also requested for free a lot of materials (posters/tips and so on) from the NSPCC.

 

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/

 

 

I am sure judging from how guilty you feel that you are far from using this form but neither did I but again we are human- I also didn't have any support from my husband and he was in deep denial until very recently when he realised that he himself is Aspie.

 

Don't beat your self up but take action, believe me we are all visual learner and something on the wall can have a huge impact.

 

Pragmatic

[KarenT]

Been there, Frazzled, too many times to count. The shame you feel afterwards is horrendous, you feel you've failed yourself, your child and your whole situation. I sometimes ask myself, when I've lost it, 'How can I teach my child the benefits of staying calm when I can't even do it myself? He's 8, I'm 46 - how can I expect him to master if it's beyond me?' Fortunately I've taught myself to stay calm when J's being difficult and I now find it easier to stay in control, but I still have my moments when I struggle with it, so I can understand what you're feeling when you lose it. Bach's Recovery Remedy drops have helped too.

 

You made a mistake but you've recognised it, now it's time to work on it so it doesn't happen again. You need time for you, support of some sort, a break from being a parent, carer, teacher and all those other jobs that fit around looking after a child with SN. It's important to look after your own needs first because if you don't it makes you less capable of meeting your child's. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

 

Bard, you are amazing. You always reply to posts with such insight, tact and sensitivity. You're my hero!

 

Karen

x

[Cat]

First of all we have all been there and on ocassion wore the T shirt. We are all only human as has been said already.

 

I also home educate it was a decision that we took to take the preassure off our sons and not to add to it. Could it be that you are pushing yourself just a little too hard at the moment where work is concerned? Maybe to prove to yourself that you can do this? Sorry if I am way off beam here. It can not help having a husband in denial and friends who disappeared been there on both counts.

 

Learning is not a race and we have found during the last 8 years of home educating both of our sons that they learn so much more when they are happy and relaxed. When children first come out of school they often need a period of un-schooling and this is recognised. The reason for this is that many have been mis-understood and need time to find themselves again and also allow their self esteem to recover.

 

Both of my sons are very clever but they learn at their own pace. I never push them because that only stresses them out and disables their learning. I often know that they are capable of learning something or doing something but sometimes it is simply just not the right time or the right day for them to do it. When it is we make huge strides.

 

There is a very good SEN Home Ed list if you would like a link to it?

 

Cat

Edited August 13, 2007 by Cat

[spectrummum]

you havent done anything what we have not done or have come close to doing with our kids

the feelings can be distroying

put it away now let it go its done

start again tomorrow with a freash head

you have a clean slate now hun

calm and nice

take care

love shell

Edited August 13, 2007 by spectrummum

[bid]

Just a thought, and apologies if I am way off...

 

I have read that often children need a time free of all work and learning when they come out of school after a bad experience, before you start with HE.

 

Maybe your daughter might benefit from a break for a little while, which would take the pressure of you both.

 

Take care,

 

Bid

[SarahSH]

Just wanted to add something along similar lines to bid's post. I know when I've lost it with my son it was when I was under too much pressure, and have to say, some of it was self-imposed.

 

Could you both have the summer off? She's 5. She'll learn so much quicker if she goes at her own pace.

 

I read something really good the other day about mourning the child we didn't have, and separating that from parenting the child we do have. She'll be who she is, and grow and flourish in her own way, which might be entirely unlike any other. i wonder if maybe there's a bit too much catching up going on? There's no deadline on learning - and anyway, none of us learn under pressure, least of all an ASD child, as we all know!

 

This is not meant to be from the moral high ground -it's just my children are older now, and some of the things I stressed about when they were young I wish I hadn't.

 

It's really important for our children too that now we're grown up we parent the needy child in ourselves. very sorry if there isn't much coming from people around you. Take care of yourself. Take whatever you need to feel relaxed and in charge.

 

<'>

all the best,

Sarah

[frazzled]

Thank you all for your replies. After some time I began to realise just how angry I am with the people around me and that my little girl was not the problem. For example my mother in law has bought presents for her other grandchildren for having good school reports - nothing for my little one. Now the football season has started my husband will be spending his spare time on that, leaving me less respite time and less adult company.

 

So what have I done. Well I've told the mother in law of a book that I have seen that would make a nice present for our little girl to say well done for being so good with your reading. I've booked a family weekend away in a cottage with no tv, and told hubby that if he wants to stay at home and watch footie then fine it will be just me and our little girl and we will play mud pies and eat ice cream all weekend (and I've used his credit card to pay for ithe holiday!) The school books are put away until after our weekend break, and the craft materials have come out.

 

Have cried a lot over the last couple of days, especially over the honesty of your replies.

 

Love frazzled

[Clareo2003]

Frazzled, we have all been there ...its so very very easy to lash out when things have got on top of us far too much!!

 

Big Hugs

 

Clare x

[pragmatic]

Thank you all for your replies. After some time I began to realise just how angry I am with the people around me and that my little girl was not the problem. For example my mother in law has bought presents for her other grandchildren for having good school reports - nothing for my little one. Now the football season has started my husband will be spending his spare time on that, leaving me less respite time and less adult company.

 

So what have I done. Well I've told the mother in law of a book that I have seen that would make a nice present for our little girl to say well done for being so good with your reading. I've booked a family weekend away in a cottage with no tv, and told hubby that if he wants to stay at home and watch footie then fine it will be just me and our little girl and we will play mud pies and eat ice cream all weekend (and I've used his credit card to pay for ithe holiday!) The school books are put away until after our weekend break, and the craft materials have come out.

 

Have cried a lot over the last couple of days, especially over the honesty of your replies.

 

Love frazzled

 

WELL DONE :thumbs:

 

Do your best to enjoy your holiday and really try to take it easy <'> >< <'>

 

Pragmatic

[stressedmumto2]

Frazzled I just want to say that I am really pleased with how you have gone about handling the situation and I think you should give yourself a pat on the back.

 

As others have said sometimes we all get angry and you have realised that and now you are doing your best to try and put it right. I think you are quite right when you say that the anger at others is putting pressure on yourself, take a lil rest now and I hope you and your daughter will have a lovely time away with or without hubby <'>

[Cariad]

Just to add I've done the same thing, I have cracked in the past when the DS has been awful and lashing out. I then feel terrible and cry for hours later. As everyone has said you are only human, everybody needs a break and we do get very down dealing with an ASD child, it's very demanding.

 

Enjoy your break and have a wonderful time with your little girl <'>

[dooday24]

sending u loads of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> i have also been pushed to limit be it with family or children but we need to step back wen it gets to this far! KNOW IT CAN BE VERY HARD, i could do with a mummys room just 4 me!!!!!!!!!!!! with a bottle of wine a magazine and a box of chocs that would be my haven. goodluck with the home tutoring and dont beat yrself up. u r a gr8 mum to know u were wrong we arnt saints

love donnaxxxxxxxx

[elun1]

<'> <'> We all get to breaking point at times - I would take the rest of the summer off and take a deep breath. Take some time to try and relax and let your little girl recover from her bad experiences at school- and enjoy your time away

Love Elun xxx <'> <'>

Edited August 14, 2007 by elun1

[Bard]

Thank you all for your replies. After some time I began to realise just how angry I am with the people around me and that my little girl was not the problem. For example my mother in law has bought presents for her other grandchildren for having good school reports - nothing for my little one. Now the football season has started my husband will be spending his spare time on that, leaving me less respite time and less adult company.

 

So what have I done. Well I've told the mother in law of a book that I have seen that would make a nice present for our little girl to say well done for being so good with your reading. I've booked a family weekend away in a cottage with no tv, and told hubby that if he wants to stay at home and watch footie then fine it will be just me and our little girl and we will play mud pies and eat ice cream all weekend (and I've used his credit card to pay for ithe holiday!) The school books are put away until after our weekend break, and the craft materials have come out.

 

Have cried a lot over the last couple of days, especially over the honesty of your replies.

 

Love frazzled

 

What a fantastic response to your mini crisis! A holiday, fun, crafts and you and your daughter enjoying being together. A subtle reminder to your MIL that she should do something to make your daughter feel special, and a husband who has contributed whether he likes it or not!

You sound like a woman with a plan. <'> <'> Enjoy.

[pixie]

I slapped my son when he was about that age too.

 

We had just seen the EP at the hospital and my son had kicked off good style. I was struggling to get him back to the car, which was parked miles away. I was half carrying and half pulling him along the hospital corridor. I'd had enough that day with the journey, the wait, the lack of DX and then this tantrum. He was hitting me, kicking me, screaming, pulling my hair and punching me.

I just lashed out and slapped him, once, then sat on the floor in the hospital corridor and cried. Me crying seemed to have an effect and he stopped lashing out long enough for me to get back to the car.

 

I still remember it and he's 15 now but I thnk we all get to that stage at some time or another. I've never done it since despite him having much worse tantrums but a set of circumstances which I couldn't cope with lead to it.