I am such a horrible person

[Mumble]

This is going to be a long post. Just ignore it. I didn't know where else to turn as I've managed to alienate me from the very people who are supposed to be supporting me or providing me with additional support. I can't ask any more of my supervisor because he's done so much for me and seems to be the only person associated with my university who is making any effort to understand or support me. I just don't know what to do. I've told them I'm going to look into other institutions but with my scholarship I can't (it's tied to my uni) so the only option if I take that action up is to leave; to leave the only thing I love and care deeply about. I just want to curl up in a ball and die and for everything to go away. I can't cope any more.

I've just have a huge meltdown on the bus and screamed and shouted and told other passengers to F-off all because I needed some space to myself after the last few days and couldn't cope with someone sitting next to me and couldn't understand why she got aggresive when I rightly pointed out that there were lots of other empty seats. I've just put up with other passengers either laughing or tutting at me - a grown up adult sitting in the corner of the bus in streams of tears isn't a nice sight. One of them suggested I got off at the Maudsley and checked myself in. Maybe I should. I feel so horrible. Maybe I should just go back down the hill now and tell them I am insane and I need to be locked up for the safety of others. At least if I was locked up on my own I couldn't upset other people's days with my behaviour.

I know exactly why I had the meltdown but that doesn't help when it's happening or because the cause it going to happen again, worse and more frequently if I continue on my course, particularly if I continue without support. I've had a barrage of emails from my disability officer since I got back from Scotland steadily getting crueler, more hateful and spiteful. I know she hates me for sacking my mentor because my mentor is her friend and they had a nice little earner going there. She's gone back to criticising my needs assessment report, saying that no other student has asked for the support I'm asking for. I've pointed out that I'm not asking, my report reccommends these adjustments for my to continue and access my course on an equal footing to others. My report was done my a wonderful assessor who really understood the needs of an AS student at university. The reccommendations made are specific to me and AS, and are quite dissimilar from a dyslexia report which is what the disability officer wanted because it's all she cares about and knows what to do with. The final email I had from her she said "It is unfair of you to expect such adjustments as you are not dyslexic nor do you have a physical disability". I wrote back and told her exactly what I thought of that and that. The disability officer has also in one of her emails told me that the halls manager where I live is angry with me for needing any support/adjustments. I was so worried by this that I didn't go and see the halls manager when I was supposed to this week to sort out my accommodation from next week onwards because I didn't want to be shouted at. I ended up sending a very panickied email to her so at least I have accommodation for next week. She also stated categorically that she is not angry with me. I don't know who to believe, I can't work people out, I'm a totally useless example of the human race.

On top of my disability officer being cruel I've just finished a four day conference where I did an excellent act of almost coping which built up and up. It was on the bus back from this today that I had the meltdown because I've been coping with a build up of stress over the days. 1200 people in a lecture room all talking, the buzzing projector and speakers, microphones, stage lights boucing light everywhere and stripy multi-coloured presentations which I was at best seeing in double with some just not there at all and being unable to process all the noise and what was being said - I have a headache that's been building up over four days and pain-killers aren't touching it - I was in such pain today when they had the final presentations with all the clapping - it felt like an explosion in my head with a pain shooting through the bottoms of my eyes as I tried to focus both on the screen and what was being said. I didn't manage to focus on either and so have wasted the universities money in them sending me. Even the smaller sessions were difficult - more stripey powerpoints, close proximity to other delagates, discussions. I couldn't join in at all. Add to this people throughout coming up and saying, "Oh hello, it's [Mumble] isn't it, nice to see you again, how are you?" with me having absolutely no idea who they are and not even manageing to answer their question let alone do the nice thing of ask how they are and just giving them a confussed look as I look at a blur in front of me (with lots of other blurs moving all around just to confuse me further) and try to work out who they are. I didn't even recognise my own supervisor when he come up to me as he's had a hair cut. Plus of couse I had to wear 'conference clothes' and a conference bag and conference badge on a string that dug into my neck.

The trouble is there were some really interesting papers discussed and I got some papers to read afterwards in my own time and in my safe space. If I can't cope with conferences I really have no career in what I am doing. Worst still I couldn't cope with attending - next time I'll have to present and I just can't see myself doing this. I really don't know what do do. How can I love a subject so much that causes me so much physical and mental pain in the tasks associated with it? I only just got through this and saved the meltdown till the journey home because it wasn't too far from where I lllive and so I could travel home each day to a safe and familar environemnt. Most people stay in hotels and in the future I'll have to go to overseas conferences if I want to be successful. I just can't do it. I'm totally useless.

[ellisisamazing]

Mumble, You are NOT horrible or useless!

 

I really feel for you, I think you are very brave, you live in this world which is obviously so full of stuff that unsettles you, yet you manage to function and go to uni, you are wonderful!

 

People must be more understanding of you. They are the ones with issues, not you! <'> <'> <'>

 

Lisa xx

[brooke]

Mumble <'> <'> <'>

Im so sorry you feel like this. i cant belive the people on the bus couldnt they see you were upset When i read your posts on here they are funny intelligent kind words and i feel so bad that you cant get the help you need.

Im sorry im not very good at giving advice but dont ever believe you are useless or worthless because your NOT, and i hope my son grows up to be just as brilliant as you are <'>

Brooke

[llisa32]

Mumble.... <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I'll be right back in 10 minutes - just have to deliver J elsewhere, please have yourself a huge hug from me in the meantime and don't go away....Will be right back.

 

God I wish teleportation existed! ...

[llisa32]

Hiya...I'm back..

 

Remember when we met the other week and I told you I never say or do anything that I either don't mean, or don't want to?..I'm hoping on that basis you'll believe what I'm about to say to you <'>

 

[font=Arial Black]I didn't know where else to turn as I've managed to alienate me from the very people who are supposed to be supporting me or providing me with additional support.

 

You have come to the right place for support, and you have not managed to alienate your disability officer, she seems to be as big a witch as your 'mentor' and in my opinion the pair of them deserve the sack. She deserves none of your respect and ignore her emails - tough luck on her best buddy 'mentor' they can go live in la la land together and you're better pff without them - who's disability witches boss? - she must have one?

 

[/font]I can't ask any more of my supervisor because he's done so much for me and seems to be the only person associated with my university who is making any effort to understand or support me

 

Has your supervisor actually given you any indication that he thinks you are asking for too much help/support from him? - I think theres a strong chance that he's a 'good guy' and that your interpretation of not being able to ask more of him may be off tac...I think you need to ask, and I think you definately need to show him those emails from disability Witch - it's totally not on that she can effectively bully you.

 

I think both her and 'mentor's main problem lies with the fact that you are way more intelligent than them, and have already acheived so much despite the struggles along the way...envy lies in their path - you need rid of the both of them or at least as little contact as possible. The behaviour of the disability officer is detriment to your health - you must tell your supervisor - please

 

 

I've told them I'm going to look into other institutions but with my scholarship I can't (it's tied to my uni) so the only option if I take that action up is to leave; to leave the only thing I love and care deeply about. I just want to curl up in a ball and die and for everything to go away. I can't cope any more.

 

Who have you told that you want to leave?....please please do not do this...YOU care deeply about the work you're doing and to be frank field you want to eventually work in desperately needs you!....It's shameful to the uni that you have been left unsupported, but I'm sure your supervisor must be in a position to help you get this situation sorted out. Who's the head of uni?

 

I've just have a huge meltdown on the bus and screamed and shouted and told other passengers to F-off all because I needed some space to myself after the last few days and couldn't cope with someone sitting next to me and couldn't understand why she got aggresive when I rightly pointed out that there were lots of other empty seats. I've just put up with other passengers either laughing or tutting at me - a grown up adult sitting in the corner of the bus in streams of tears isn't a nice sight. One of them suggested I got off at the Maudsley and checked myself in.

 

Don't worry about the meltdown on the bus...all those people that ignored your upset should be ashamed, as should the ones that just ignored you - the one that suggested you get off at the maundsley equally deserves none of your brain time.

they will all go home and soon forget about the bus episode...some might even feel bad later on for doing nothing to help - who knows?..but you do not need to feel bad about it - it happens, you're not due to see any of those people again so try and file it to the back of your memory - someone somewhere in the world usually needs telling to F off I find so try and rationalise the incident thinking that at least one of them deserved it.

 

 

Maybe I should. I feel so horrible. Maybe I should just go back down the hill now and tell them I am insane and I need to be locked up for the safety of others. At least if I was locked up on my own I couldn't upset other people's days with my behaviour.

 

You are not insane! - not in the slightest!...from the sounds of it you've had a really heavy challenging week that has probably attached every sensory outlet you possess...and after your really peaceful trip - it's no wonder you lost your temper today...everyone...AS or NT has a similar episode once in a while. Do not worry that you've suddenly gone mad and should be locked up...you won't have upset anyone on the bus to the level that it;s going to affect thier lives, so don't let it affect yours. <'>

 

I I've had a barrage of emails from my disability officer since I got back from Scotland steadily getting crueler, more hateful and spiteful. I know she hates me for sacking my mentor because my mentor is her friend and they had a nice little earner going there. She's gone back to criticising my needs assessment report, saying that no other student has asked for the support I'm asking for. I've pointed out that I'm not asking, my report reccommends these adjustments for my to continue and access my course on an equal footing to others.

 

 

Mumble if you want to pm me these mails I can better comment on them, but she has no right acting like a spolit kid and as stated earlier...if she is then she deserves to be sacked...do not feel like you've offended her! - her 'buddy' well and truely deserved to get sacked, and from sounds of it they should both crawl back to whatever stone they crawled out under from.

 

My report was done my a wonderful assessor who really understood the needs of an AS student at university. The reccommendations made are specific to me and AS, and are quite dissimilar from a dyslexia report which is what the disability officer wanted because it's all she cares about and knows what to do with. The final email I had from her she said "It is unfair of you to expect such adjustments as you are not dyslexic nor do you have a physical disability". I wrote back and told her exactly what I thought of that and that. The disability officer has also in one of her emails told me that the halls manager where I live is angry with me for needing any support/adjustments. I was so worried by this that I didn't go and see the halls manager when I was supposed to this week to sort out my accommodation from next week onwards because I didn't want to be shouted at. I ended up sending a very panickied email to her so at least I have accommodation for next week. She also stated categorically that she is not angry with me. I don't know who to believe, I can't work people out, I'm a totally useless example of the human race.

 

Take the halls manager at face value on her comment...if she's said shes not angry then she can't turn around and act like she is at a later date...ignore the disability officer...she seriously has overstepped the mark and should never have said any of that stuff to you. I am gobsmacked if I'm honest Mumble....Having never had to deal with these sort of people before I had no idea how truely appalingly awful they are! - honest....IT IS THEM and NOT YOU <'>

 

 

I've just finished a four day conference where I did an excellent act of almost coping which built up and up. It was on the bus back from this today that I had the meltdown because I've been coping with a build up of stress over the days. 1200 people in a lecture room all talking, the buzzing projector and speakers, microphones, stage lights boucing light everywhere and stripy multi-coloured presentations which I was at best seeing in double with some just not there at all and being unable to process all the noise and what was being said - I have a headache that's been building up over four days and pain-killers aren't touching it - I was in such pain today when they had the final presentations with all the clapping - it felt like an explosion in my head with a pain shooting through the bottoms of my eyes as I tried to focus both on the screen and what was being said. I didn't manage to focus on either and so have wasted the universities money in them sending me. Even the smaller sessions were difficult - more stripey powerpoints, close proximity to other delagates, discussions. I couldn't join in at all. Add to this people throughout coming up and saying, "Oh hello, it's [Mumble] isn't it, nice to see you again, how are you?" with me having absolutely no idea who they are and not even manageing to answer their question let alone do the nice thing of ask how they are and just giving them a confussed look as I look at a blur in front of me (with lots of other blurs moving all around just to confuse me further) and try to work out who they are. I didn't even recognise my own supervisor when he come up to me as he's had a hair cut. Plus of couse I had to wear 'conference clothes' and a conference bag and conference badge on a string that dug into my neck.

The trouble is there were some really interesting papers discussed and I got some papers to read afterwards in my own time and in my safe space. If I can't cope with conferences I really have no career in what I am doing. Worst still I couldn't cope with attending - next time I'll have to present and I just can't see myself doing this

 

I'm sure Ian Jordan will comment further but I think the work he's been thinking of doing with you and the auditory/sensory stuff...I'm pretty sure this is all the exact type of stuff those couloured glasses will help with so we need to get you up to glasgow! If you feel more confortable in the environment then you will be able to 'present' - I've seen you talk about subjects close to your heart and you're great! - your face lights up, you're engaging and animated..you CAN do this <'> - you're the same person you were too weeks ago, but unfortunately you've had a really heavy week thats taken it's toll

 

I only just got through this and saved the meltdown till the journey home because it wasn't too far from where I lllive and so I could travel home each day to a safe and familar environemnt. Most people stay in hotels and in the future I'll have to go to overseas conferences if I want to be successful. I just can't do it. I'm totally useless.

 

You took the best option for you this time around...it was the right choice..better to shout at miserable strangers on a bus than potential future colleagues eh? .. YOU ARE NOT USELESS <'>

 

You can do this, you have all the potential you need, I think you really do need to see Ian, but I know thats already in your plan...I think with that bit of help on the sensory side you will notice a huge difference.

 

Sorry this is very long!...and I'm hoping when I press add comment now it's all gonna make sense!...and you pm me anytime/however much you want <'>

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

ok

you are not what you are being made to feel you are!!!

llisa has said everything that needs to be said to you

and everyone will agree,

you need a wee bit of support, and they are ###### at it

find some chill space, and stop analyzing and worrying

lvs and virtual hugs, cos i know you are not keen on eh real ones

xxx

and from meggzie too

xxx

[mum23]

Hello Mumble,

I do not think you are in the least bit 'a useless example of the human race' I would say from what you have written and the way that you have written your previous posts, that you are articulate and quit resenable in your views and wishes.

I feel that I am able to understand your position somewhat. my reason being is I have 3 children all of whom have inherated from myself a condition that is classed as an invisable disability, one of my sons is also diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and we believe my other 2 kids are also have an ASD. I have for a long time been involved in fighting for the rights of disabled children and young adults and from what I have read in your posts I feel you are very right to feel like you are not being properly catered for at your Uni, it should not be down to you to have to organise your support, it seems to miss the point of what support is about. I wonder if you have a connextions office near you! I know it says they are there to offer help and advice to 13-18 year olds but infact they are contracted to give advice and organise support for young adults into their mid 20's espacialy if the client has a diagnosis of Aspergers or ADHD.

I hope you can get things sorted out soon and DO NOT think yourself a bad person.

Take care,

Bye for now,

Anna

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Youre not useless mumble far from it you come across as a fantastic thoughtfull well educated person and thats just from youre postings.

 

 

I havent a clue what its like to be asperger/autistic my only experiance is via my son whoes 13.But i do live with the mental illness bi polar disorder and i freuently find myself ranting and raveing in the streets because i cant cope with other people or there demands when my head gets too full.Not the same i know but its something i have to cope with and is like aspergers invisible to other people unless you realy realy know me well.And you know what im not useless either.Neither are you.

 

Take care.

[hev]

mumble i totally agree with what everyone else has said <'> <'> im not good at advice at all but i think you are a lovely clever person,definately not useless <'> <'>

[forbsay]

Hi Mumble

 

You are not useless................. <'> <'> <'>

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

[Mumble]

Thank you for the above and the PM-s.

 

My visions really gone fuzzy and my heads hurting so I'm going to make this short and try and get some sleep or at least some rest.

 

I've looked for disability witches boss. I found a complaint form - it said it was anonymous put them you had to put in your disability and your course so they would know it was me. I have to email some work to my supervisor tomorrow so I'll put something brief in that and say that I want to speak to him. I also know who the disability coordinator is now in my department as he was at the conference I've just been at, I will ask my supervisor if I'm allowed to approach him - I assume I am and this might be a good way to go as he will be coming from an 'academic' rather than 'support' first basis.

I wrote back in my email to the disability witch that I was thinking of leaving but I did cc it to my supervisor (because that way as I used the reply function he got a copy of the email from her saying about not being able to support AS students). He didn't say anything what I saw him at the conference but we'll see what happens. I don't want to leave - that's the problem because I love the work and department I'm in - it's the wider student services that are the problem.

EDIT: I've corrected my spellings from last night - I definately need to learn to touch type so I hit the right keys when they're all a fuss.

 

Mumble

Edited September 9, 2007 by Mumble

[Clare63]

Mumble,

Take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself.

I echo the comments above and want you know that you are a highly respected and valuable member of this forum.

Thank you for being you.

<'> <'> <'>

Clare x x x

[ASue67]

Only just had chance to read this.................. nothing more to add as everyone has already said everything that needs to be said!

 

Just wanted to send you a massive <'> and say keep your chin up!!!!

 

you have given so much good advice on here that I have read and it has helped me to understand things that my son does so thank you

 

You are not hopeless and you are not a horrible person...................

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[wilson]

Mumble,

 

You are a truly remarkable human being. You have your supervisor's full support, and you have so much determination. One day, I am sure, we will see you posting here as Dr. Mumble.

[llisa32]

Hi Mumble...hope you get some rest tonight...I've been surfing around to see what I can find that doesn't involve your 'ex' mentor' and her 'firm'!.

 

Have found this group: http://www.autismlondon.org.uk/services/support-services.htm

 

They don't appear to have any links to 'mentor's mob' and may be able to provide some useful info regards getting you some outside uni support. I know you hate the phone, so I'll give them a call on Monday and see if they have anything useful to offer - I'll then pass the info on <'>

 

Like someone else mentioned earlier....we WILL be seeing you post as Dr Mumble!...come hook or by crook

[Tally]

Mumble, I don't think you are a horrible person. I think you are highly stressed. That's what caused you to get angry and then upset on the bus. The other passengers couldn't cope with seeing a person upset, so they tried to persuade you to get off so they wouldn't have to see you.

 

I think you should print off the emails from your disability officer and include them with your complaint.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Put what happened on the bus behind you and try not to dwell on it because of the way it's making you feel. Think you've had a lot to cope with - things that NT people don't give a second thought about. People on the bus would have had no idea of what you're going through. That's what makes you special and a real trooper. I know that my son's having difficulty coping in mainstream school. He has to make sense of the world and in general the school environment before he's got down to doing any work! As for your mentor and her friend, I wouldn't give them a second thought. I'm sure they don't hate you. That's an incredibly strong emotion and it may well be that they're simply frustrated at themselves because they feel they're not able to be as supportive as they'd like. In addition, their understanding of ASDs may not be up to scratch. Same goes for the accommodation person - if she says she's not angry with you, she probably isn't (chances are she's be forthright). In Scotland there's a support for learning act. I'm sure there must be an equivalent in England and for adults. Point is that any recommendations which have been made by the disability officer are there to help you succeed. The others that are suggesting you're being demanding clearly have no understanding. Everyone finds from time to time that you simply can't please everyone and although not always a nice feeling, it's part of life and it's a case of learning to disregard (or it can get on top of you). I used to work in a college (for 13 years) and I have to say how impressed I was with the level of support that they provided for students with various disbilities including ASDs. In this day and age there's courses which can be undertaken on an open learning basis. That means you will get support eg by email or over the phone at designated times and hopefully avoiding or minimise really stressful situations which are likely to overload your senses that you've described. Is than an option? As for the travelling, don't push yourself. Give yourself a bit of time ... and one very big pat on the back!!! YOU HAVE DONE REALLY WELL and are an inspiration to others facing similar difficulties!!!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[pearl]

Oh Mumble I've been out all afternoon & evening & only just found this.

I agree 100% with all the posts, especially llisa's & just wanted to add my <'> to the others.

Hope you get a good nights sleep & feel a bit better tomorrow.

[Nic m]

Hello mumble,

i have just read your post and the replies. i think what you are doing is fabulous and you deserve the support. The changes that will be implemented at your university will help countless others and i personally thank you for that. One day i hope my daughter achieves what you are doing and because of your bravery, changes will happen.I think you have been given great advice on here, please believe you are doing the right thing.Look after yourself.

Good luck and i wish you well in your studies.

Nicola

[Frangipani]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

hope u feel wee bit better hunny today

thinking of u

xxx

[Mumble]

I had a very 'fitful' sleep (I think that's the right phrase). I'm feeling a little bit better but still very wonky. I think the conference, particularly with the sensory input, was just too much for my system to cope with. Supressing, rather than dealing with this over the four days (I didn't sleep well during the conference as I was worried about the following day) meant it built up until it was almost safe to let it out. The last meltdown of this extreme was in very similar circumstances back at a conference in February - whilst it was only one day it involved a lot more travel and I lost it then on the journey back - I simply couldn't contain the build up of stress any more.

 

I want to be successful, even if this means I have to have an unconventional approach to success, in my course, and yes, I do want to be posting as Dr. Mumble. I don't want to leave my uni - I love the academic environment. I need to address the specific issues underlying my difficulties. If my disability officer can't/won't help then I do this my own way.

 

I am still absolutely exhausted this morning, but I will be seeing my supervisor on Tuesday and I'll try and talk through some of these issues then. I'm so terrified about having to present my work, not just to a big conference but even within the university - my supervisor seems to understand, but only to an extent. I think thinking about this through the conference didn't help.

 

Thank you again for all your support.

[pearl]

Glad you are feeling a bit calmer today Mumble. Tell your supervisor what you've told us, & dont bother with the people who arent helping you. That wont solve everything but gets you away from toxic influences at least.

 

Know what you mean about presenting - that would scare me too as I'm phobic about public speaking.

[Clare63]

Mumble, this all must be exhausting for you and not getting enough proper sleep will make you feel low and vulnerable. Try to do something nice today and spoil yourself a bit, even if its just a enormous bar of yummy chocolate!!!!!!!!!

Take care

 

Clare x x x

[Cariad]

Mumble I think you are a inspirational person, to have your insight into ASD from an adult is such a brilliant help. You are a wonderful person and people who tell you different are very wrong. The input you put into this site is priceless, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, never forget you have friends here who care here.

 

Take care x

[hev]

mumble <'> <'> <'> hope you ok,been thinking about you today,take care love hev xxxx

[Mumble]

Thanks everyone - Clare, you're absoloutely right, I'm totally exhausted. I think I've got my hall worried. Security have just been up to my room to check I'm OK - apparently I ran in yesterday afternoon in a complete state and didn't swipe my ID or respond to anyone (I have no recollection of anyone approaching me - I was totaly in my own space by then) and they were worried because no one had seen me today

 

I haven't got all my work done for my supervisor - my head's still not right and I'm not finding it easy to focus on the screen. I'll send him an email in a bit with what I've done - it's totally out of character for me not to do my work so it signals something's very wrong. I guess I'm really worried about him thinking I don't appeciate his support as I've thought of leaving/changing uni. I have such a chasm between the academic and welfare support I get and I think it's this as much as anything else that is confusing me: how can one set of people be so helpful and understanding whilst another set so unhelpful and often detrimental to me when they're working with the same person?

[lynyona]

<'> <'> <'> <'> Mumble <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Clare63]

Oh Mumble, I am sorry things are still unsettled and thats its effected your work, I am sure your supervisor will understand, he sounds such a lovely guy. That's good of security to come and check on you.... just goes to show people do care.

Hope you manage to get a better night sleep tonight.

 

Clare x x x

[bikergal]

<'> <'> <'>

[Frangipani]

Keep your chin up possum <'> Its all a bit fuzzy at the moment.

 

Rest / Deep relaxing breathing / Reduce anxiety make a conscious decision that you can and will get through this but 'Mumble' is allowed to relax. Good early nights. Its all a learning process - now you are aware of some of the triggers - find and take steps to ease you through those moments.

 

Rest / quiet music on an ipod / Ian Jordan glasses or equivalent. Keep hydrated. I am a conference junkie - they are exhausting. Sit near entrances for fresh air - take Ibuprofen for aches and pains you get stiff sitting there for hours. Drink water constantly - limit caffeine. Find a spot in the garden to close your eyes and visualise colours of the rainbow or any of your favourite colours or happy place. Eat fresh fruit during breaks.

 

Relax - perhaps buy some relaxation music and just chill for 10 mins or so. This is the secret to success. Then don't sweat the small stuff - then only the important stuff will be achievable. Todays impossibilities are tomorrows miracles.

You are in the right place - all the pro's had days like this. Now read my signature below -

 

Love

Frang keep going ..... you're almost there

Edited September 10, 2007 by Frangipani

[Mumble]

Thanks Frang,

 

I think I've got so upset because this has really brought home to me how 'different' I am from my peers and how hard some of the things, like conferences, that I need to get through are going to be to me.

 

Rest / quiet music on an ipod / Ian Jordan glasses or equivalent. Keep hydrated. I am a conference junkie - they are exhausting. Sit near entrances for fresh air - take Ibuprofen for aches and pains you get stiff sitting there for hours. Drink water constantly - limit caffeine. Find a spot in the garden to close your eyes and visualise colours of the rainbow or any of your favourite colours or happy place. Eat fresh fruit during breaks.

 

I didn't make any adjustments - I tried to act as if it was all Ok and as if I was 'normal'. I but myself through huge sensory assults, all the social etc and punished myself if I didn't do something 'right'. It's little wonder really that I totally lost it at the end. I'm not 'normal' - what others thrive on terrifies me and I need to accept and deal with this. If other people canot cope with my adjustments then really that it their problem.

 

I took no rest - I even went to the lunchtime lectures so didn't have a lunch break and so was in the midst of a difficult, busy environment from 8:30am till 7pm for 3 and a half days. The only thing I let myself avoid was the evening socials - I think I would have cracked immediately had I been to any of them. It's little wonder really that I cracked so totally at the end - there's only so much of being someone else that can be sustained over a long time period.

 

Next Mumble job: Sort out visual/auditory processing