hev Report post Posted January 10, 2008 the old guilts kicking in now,lets face it the reason steve is at residential is that i couldnt cope with him,why couldnt i cope with him?i should have been able to,hes my son,if someone had told me a few years ago that steve would be away to school i would have said no way,i couldnt send him away,cos thats what ive done,sent him away,im thinking no,things werent that bad,when i waved him off in the taxi,he got out cuddled me and stroked my hair and its all i keep thinking about,i dont think im stable to be honest,i dont act very rational at times,thats why im up to my eyes in antidepressents,ive probably made the situation worse than it should have been im not writing this so you say you are a good mum hev,i know deep down i am,i just feel like you know what at moment and ive got to let it out before i scream thanks for reading,if you got this far,well done!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted January 10, 2008 <'> <'> <'> Try to let go of the guilt Hev, you are doing what is best for Steve. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
witsend Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hi Hev - you have done the right thing, for Steve and for you and your family. Guilt is an inbuilt part of being a Mother sort of comes with the job! I think in your position I'd have moments of feeling the same, but then I can always find something to feel guilty about anyway. It's all still quite early days and a bit further down the line when your more used to how things are now and hopefully working out you will feel better. <'> Actually you should be proud that you have fought for your son and kept your family togther through some mega stressfull times. Take care - Luv Witsend. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, <'> <'> It's going to hurt for a while, - give it time. K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KateBall Report post Posted January 10, 2008 It's just as likely that no one would have been able to cope and perhaps you have coped longer than others would have done. I think if you feel guilt then you are a good mother. They sort of go hand in hand. If he hadn't have gone - you wouldn't have shared that special moment of him cuddling you and stroking your hair. At times like this try and think of the positive aspects and not just the negative. You know in your heart of hearts that it is for him, the best. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, you haven't sent him away in a bad way, you have got him the right support and education, and unfortunately that is not available close to home. No one is able to do everything for their child. Parents with 'normal' children have to rely on other people for things like education and healthcare but Steven is not a normal child, and you have accessed the expert help that he needs, help that you cannot provide because you are a parent and not a teacher/doctor/psychologist/whatever. Now you will be able to get on with being a parent and enjoy the time you spend together. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. Try to focus on what Steven is getting out of this, and how it will benefit your whole family. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, I couldnt have put it better than everyone else has <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karen A Report post Posted January 10, 2008 <'> <'> It is tough but lots of people are supporting you here.Karen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Lya of the Nox Report post Posted January 10, 2008 not allowed to feel guilty you are doing the best for steve and then hev and then katie and then nick <'> >< <'> >< Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David Matthew Baker Report post Posted January 10, 2008 <'> <'> <'> Your stronger than you think. Keep your chin up girl. <'> <'> <'> The questions are: Is he enjoying it (more than the school he was at previously)? Is his behaviour more undercontrol? Why did you arrange a place at the school for him? The last one we can all answer for you because you felt it was what was best for him due to the problems he was having at the time. I remember your posts from early on when you first sent him. You missed him but you also said the time you had together was more quality time. I think what you have done was the best you could in your situation. Please don't start doubting yourself. As you said deep down you know you are right. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev <'> <'> Have a sit down hun and read through your previous posts, you know you have done what is best for Steve. During the holidays they all seem easy going, but back to the routine, its the same old same old over and over. I just hope this school is more supportive. Try and meet a friend for a morning coffee or something for you. love Fxx <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sallya Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, two special schools couldn't cope with him...so if anyone has let him down so far....it's not you, you are not allowed to say that after fighting for him so hard s xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hi Hev - Couldn't cope? I thought Steve's resi placement was to provide him with the opportunities for all the things that he needs, and to enable the whole family to work toward a better future by providing them with more options and opportunities(?) Dunno - maybe I read it all wrong! Ultimately, 'enabling' our children sometimes means making choices that we find difficult - like sending them to residential schools because local services can't meet their needs. I don't think any parent should judge themselves or be judged for making that very VERY tough decision. L&P BD <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev <'> Its easy to daught in the early days where the seperation is happening, and maybe things have been a bit more better lately, may be even stephen has come to even realise he needs support and this school can do this for him, your absaloutly not sending him away, like its said you are providing specialist support for him and you are thinking about the wholistic approach, you have Katie and yourself to look after too and hopefully once things are settled in the school then you can concentrate on sorting out those anti depressants, it could even be those that are making it hard to think properly but again your under immense stress and stephen has a disability that needs more care and attention than is possible in a family home and its understandable its causing you, katie and stephen stress. I think its the best possible step for his future he is leading into teanage years now and going to need a lot of help to cope in the world as he grows into a young adult so look on this as a step for the rest of his life, if he gets help now then that in return will help you all. I also believe in the screaming therapy, its fantastic to give out a good scream. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hi Hev - Couldn't cope? I thought Steve's resi placement was to provide him with the opportunities for all the things that he needs, and to enable the whole family to work toward a better future by providing them with more options and opportunities(?) Dunno - maybe I read it all wrong! Ultimately, 'enabling' our children sometimes means making choices that we find difficult - like sending them to residential schools because local services can't meet their needs. I don't think any parent should judge themselves or be judged for making that very VERY tough decision. L&P BD <'> ooh bighead you can be so lovely sometimes <'> <'> you gave me a smile and hug in the same post i think everyone should buy a hat dont you? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David Matthew Baker Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soraya Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Oh Hev, dont feel guilty, Steve will have a good time at school, at least he will get the help he needs on a 24hr basis which is what our kids need. I put my hands up and say l cant cope with Nick, everyday is a struggle, and if l could get him into a residential school l would jump at the chance as l know he needs expert help. What everyone needs to remember is that our kids are very difficult, and many of my friends say "l dont know how you cope", well the truth is we have no choice, we have to cope the best we can. You have been a wonderfull mum for 14 years, our boys are nearly adults and they just need some extra help in the difficult teenage years. <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, please don't feel guilty, you are doing the best for Steven, it's easy to look back and think of the few good days or even weeks we have had but ultimatly, sometimes we have to look at the long term and what we want for their future and this is about Steven's future aswell as yours as a family. The system has let him down, not you and I think if there were a day school he could go to right on your doorstep that could meet all his needs and provide for him wih what the residential school is you would rather him be placed there. What you are doing for Steven is giving him a chance to get the help and the understanding he needs, I think you need to hold on to the fact that I think he will be happier in the long term, I really do. The first few days are always the worse, that guilt creeps in like I wish I could of done better, but we're only human too. I went through it with T when he stayed at a residential school for an assessment for 3 days it was hell but I didn't regret it and even though he never got his place there he still talks very fondly of the school now wishing he could go back there (even though when he was there he had got upset in the evenings cos he was home-sick) even yesterday he said he wishes he was at that school. You have to remember you are doing this to help Steven and it will get easier with time, is the school an ASD specific?. Take care Hev <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 10, 2008 ooh bighead you can be so lovely sometimes <'> <'> you gave me a smile and hug in the same post i think everyone should buy a hat dont you? Just so long as it's not a Boy George stylee one... I didn't realise: I'll go back and delete 'em! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted January 10, 2008 hev, By steve going to a school that can help him through his difficulties you are giving him the most important gift any parent can give... A FUTURE TO LOOK FORWARD TO. Keeping him home because you miss him would have been the selfish option; by letting him go you've taken a massive step towards his independence, and after all, that's what it's all about isn't it? It would be so easy for all us parents whose kids are having difficulties to just shut the door on the world and have them live in the confines of the home environment for the rest of their lives but that would be doing NOBODY any favours at all; apart from the LEA officials who are desperate to hang on to their budgets I should think that the way you are feeling is perfectly natural.... but whatever you do don't let Steve see you upset over it, because then when the going is tough (which at times it possibly will be) you will have handed him a great big stick to beat you with. Feel the pain for what it is, a Mother who is greiving over their child's steps to indendendence. You don't see the Royal family (or any other rich folk) who send their kids to boarding school blaming themselves do you? No, they are patting themselves on the back that they are in the position to provide their children with the best education money can buy!! Enjoy looking forward to the future hev... after you've had your cry <'> Flora XX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 10, 2008 thankyou for your replies,ive just spoke to steven and hes loving it he played rugby today and the school say hes fine,i just needed to get the feelings i was having out my system,better out than in eh?!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, so pleased he's getting on well and loving it. <'> I think Flora's post explains it very well. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Just so long as it's not a Boy George stylee one... I didn't realise: I'll go back and delete 'em! so you are not opposed to people buying hats then bighead?its just the style of hat that you are not sure of,thats a good sign then i think this year our resolution should be to be nice to one another after all,as boy george once said WAR IS STUPID!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loobylou2 Report post Posted January 10, 2008 thats great news Hev, maybe you can relax a bit now <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 10, 2008 Hev, so pleased he's getting on well and loving it. <'> I think Flora's post explains it very well. <'> i often look at floras posts and think what sense she makes then i look at mine and think my posts make no sense at all Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted January 10, 2008 i often look at floras posts and think what sense she makes then i look at mine and think my posts make no sense at all OMG woman that's so not true!!! <'> <'> <'> <'> Believe me hev.... Dame Flora can talk gobbledygook with the best of 'em And I'm fine when I'm dishing the advice, but I've made some allmighty ###### ups over the years.... and still counting hev, you're marvellous and don't you forget it flozza XXXX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
