Enid Report post Posted March 21, 2009 Hi, just sending support, There have been many MANY times with my DS when I have begged people to take him! I didnt have your option or like you I may have taken it, good advice from J`s mum and Bid, they have helped me through many a crisis and mumble being in the position she is can alway give a very useful insight!! How old is you daughter? In January last year after a week of seriously out of control and bizare behaviour my son was taken away by the police on 3 occassions, the worst bit was him not wanting to come home after, it nearly killed me, this was a boy who wouldnt even sleep over on a school trip, then he was then placed in emergency respite and he wanted to come home, and even though he couldnt because of his unsafe behaviour, knowing he wanted to, really helped. Just take one day at a time, tell school she is away for now, not forever! and remember nothings forever, things change, keep posting. much love and support and keep strong <'> <'> Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 21, 2009 I would both agree and disagree with you, BD! When the challenging behaviour is almost constant, I think you are quite right. However, I do think it's true that sometimes for anyone, not just those with AS, breaking down through intense emotions can only happen with someone they trust. The other option, of which I am a past master, is internalising and supressing everything Bid That's not agreeing/disagreeing, it's exactly what i meant (well except for the 'almost constant' bit - I'd have put it more as 'habitual'... even when there are extended periods between it can still be a case of 'directed anger'.). For all people - AS/NT/whatever it holds true that 'you always hurt the one you love' however cliched that sounds... I think also that genuine sharing of intense emotions is more likely with people who are 'trusted', but that can't/shouldn't be taken as read or as exclusive. People who habitually adopt a 'victim' role will share the most (and even invent the most) traumatic personal experiences both as a means of establishing the 'role' with which they feel most comfortable and also to exploit that role. As I said, not a comment on this situation (or any other situation) specifically - just highlighting that other peoples motivations are not always as straightforward as they might appear. Come to think of it, even our own motivations are not always as straightforward as they appear! Complex things, human beans... A very VERY old joke (and i can even remember it's source - A Mad magazine I had as a kid that was probably at least ten years old then) : Two psychiatrists walking down a hallway. One says 'Hello' and the other one thinks 'I wonder what he meant by that?'... wise words, which is prob why they've stuck with me all these years L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 21, 2009 I was told by pyschologist if she had AS she wouldnt be able to turn it on and off depending on where she was and her dad would also see it(the longest he saw her was 2 weeks at a time and we always got hell on her return.........we used to bet how long it would take!!!) but he also in same position to me to as didnt notice how her behaviour was different to others her age..........and still doesnt now i come to mention it... he now thinks as pyschologist said no, thats it ,end of the matter and its just my problem i have told him what i think and asked him to read up on it but i dont think he has.i just dont want her to miss out on any help she needs and to be bottling things up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted March 21, 2009 i hide my problems like a 'secret world' really! hard to explain but hide my emotions and feelings 'covered' up by jokey personaility when inside i'm 'falling apart' literally! so is quite common yep!it's not unsusal as find it hard to put into words and verbalise it when we have AS n MH probs to this can make things seems extra out of control and scary!XxxXx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 22, 2009 Bl**dy mothers day will be glad when all adverts for soppy cds off the tv!!!!!! at least she rang(or was told to!!!!) i always had to tell her when to ring people etc.........they looking at schools this week,any thoughts on what i should say to pyschologist this week(apart from its his his fault and if he recognised the problems and listened to my side i wouldnt be in this position as she may have had access to more help ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 23, 2009 well we went to appt with pyschologist.......didnt really get much out of it(didnt help i was crying most of the time so OH did most of the talking)...basically said he was sorry it had come to this but as she is no longer here there is no more that can be done.obviously if needs be he will transfer his records when the time comes(he knows i disagree with him re AS)but he does agree she will need help socially,behaviouralyand communication!!!also IF at some point she does come back we have to start again via GP So no 2nd opinion and i just have to see how she copes with all the change....she will just say fine whatever is happenning to her Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted March 23, 2009 Just sending you <'> <'> <'> <'> and support. keep strong, one day at a time, its still very early days, Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 23, 2009 Just sending you <'> <'> <'> <'> and support. keep strong, one day at a time, its still very early days, Enid Thank you.........at least i can come on here to let it all out Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted March 26, 2009 how are things today freddy,hope you ok <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 28, 2009 still not good.....its all i am thinkng about..its so quiet here without the screaming and arguing(i would put up with it now though). ive since found out shes been telling her dad awful things i was meant to have said to her(which i didnt)..she basically turned round the terrible things she said to me when she was in a rage and made it seem like i said it........it may have appearred that way to her at the time as it was pretty bad ....i cant beleive shes doing this and he is believing it. just makes me wonder what she is really thinking. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted March 29, 2009 she oviously not thinkin clearly atm she prob angry at you thats way she can seem to get back at you for sending her way! revenge! she probably bitter right now! may take time4 to calm down and really step back and think twice about saying all kinds of stuff! the dads the fool for taking her side and believing everything and not asking you first if that is correct what she saying?! bet you mad then? how do u feel? have you said or done anything at all bout it?! is it worth doing so?! making yiur feelings /emotions clear!? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 29, 2009 im angry and upset that she can hurt me like this.atm she is having great time as not in school yet and im here thinking of all the horrible things she is probably saying and not even thinking of the good things here. she never used to tell him what she beeen up to when he rang so he probably thnks it was all bad which it wasnt. i did so much for her that she didnt even see. i know it wasnt perfect but that wouldnt be normal would it with other kids in the house too,not everyone can get on 100% of the time can they?!! I really do feel like im losing her, i dont even feel comfortable ringing as it gets me upset she is so cold toward me. what also worries me is she has told me in the past she cant discuss her feelings with him so now she has no-one to confide in..i always had to coax things out of her but got there eventually.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wasuup Report post Posted March 29, 2009 im angry and upset that she can hurt me like this.atm she is having great time as not in school yet and im here thinking of all the horrible things she is probably saying and not even thinking of the good things here. she never used to tell him what she beeen up to when he rang so he probably thnks it was all bad which it wasnt. i did so much for her that she didnt even see. i know it wasnt perfect but that wouldnt be normal would it with other kids in the house too,not everyone can get on 100% of the time can they?!! I really do feel like im losing her, i dont even feel comfortable ringing as it gets me upset she is so cold toward me. what also worries me is she has told me in the past she cant discuss her feelings with him so now she has no-one to confide in..i always had to coax things out of her but got there eventually.. I think she has found herself in a corner that she can't easily get out of. Just do your best to let her know that you are there for her, that you feel sad that it has come to this, that everyone gets angry sometimes and says things they don't mean, that you love her and that she is very much wanted by you and can return home anytime she chooses without any reprucussions from this situation. I bet she really does want to come home but doesn't know how to do so in approaching both you and her Dad about it. Give it some time and patience. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted March 29, 2009 I was told by pyschologist if she had AS she wouldnt be able to turn it on and off depending on where she was and her dad would also see it(the longest he saw her was 2 weeks at a time and we always got hell on her return.........we used to bet how long it would take!!!) but he also in same position to me to as didnt notice how her behaviour was different to others her age..........and still doesnt now i come to mention it... he now thinks as pyschologist said no, thats it ,end of the matter and its just my problem i have told him what i think and asked him to read up on it but i dont think he has.i just dont want her to miss out on any help she needs and to be bottling things up. Hi That's interesting about 'being able to turn it on and off'. My mum said exactly the same about my son and I must admit that he could go for a few hours or days even when he would appear 'normal'. Suddenly he'd do or say something that would change all of that and act as a reminder. There are some settings whereby R can appear completely normal and others where the opposite is true. Difficult on occasions to know whether that's them being manipulative, devious, whatever ..., but Baddad makes some valid points; some behaviours are not exclusively AS ones. I do think that it's also down to familiarity/comfort zones, etc. Indeed, ask any parent about their child and they'll tell you that they can behave like angels with other people, but can be the exact opposite with their own parents. Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted March 29, 2009 still not good.....its all i am thinkng about..its so quiet here without the screaming and arguing(i would put up with it now though). ive since found out shes been telling her dad awful things i was meant to have said to her(which i didnt)..she basically turned round the terrible things she said to me when she was in a rage and made it seem like i said it........it may have appearred that way to her at the time as it was pretty bad ....i cant beleive shes doing this and he is believing it. just makes me wonder what she is really thinking. Soon enough her dad will be on the receiving end, whether he'd care to admit it or not. Something similar happened to me with my son and school. R told his LA that I hit him a lot. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I must confess to feeling extremly angry and overwhelmingly hurt by his comments. I knew he said it out of pure spite. Thankfully, school didn't take it seriously - I phoned the HT to ask if she'd be taking his claims seriously/further. What do you know .... a matter of two weeks later R told me his teacher had pushed him twice causing him to bang his head. I rang the school to advise them that he'd made a potentially serious allegation which I didn't believe, but felt sure that something had happened and that I wanted a run down of the day's events. His poor teacher was quite upset, but as I thought, she had angered him causing him to run out of class and try to make a run for it out of the building. She went after him and instructed him to close the door - he did so, but bumped his head on the door. Longwinded 'story', but just want to prove a point, that her dad will soon find out how tough things were for you, and who knows, may even have a new found respect for you for putting up with it for so long. Everything happens for a reason. I often find myself at absolute breaking point and it's amazing how things have a habit of working themselves out - just a shame we've got to go through the mill first! Best wishes. Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 30, 2009 TBH i dont think he will have any respect especially when i get the blame anyway (and the fact i was in a complete state when i rang him to take her away!!!!) the way she speaks to me on the phone is heartbreaking ,like she would rather not be... oesnt reply to texts(thats not unusual though as if its not a question there is no need for a reply in her opinion!!!) i wish i could start to feel better but i dont ,i just feel ive lost her.......i just want her back, problems and all ........ sorry for wallowing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted March 30, 2009 <'> <'> Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sally44 Report post Posted March 31, 2009 You got to breaking point and you snapped. You are trying to get a diagnosis and support and it isn't happening. No human can continue hitting their head against a wall full time whilst having to deal with the difficulties your daughter has. Also when you have a special needs child you can actually get such a close bond because you know them inside out regardless of what their behaviour is towards you and when they are not there the gap is unfillable. I would recommend speaking with a National Autistic Advisor about (a) getting a diagnosis, ( getting support and respite care, © getting a Statement, (d) getting legal advice, and (e) getting private reports if needed. There are solicitors that have experience of special needs law and it maybe money well spent if you discussed your difficulties with them and they started getting things into motion. Many times the LEA/NHS or school can send us parents jumping through hoops and criteria and funding and staffing issues which are totally irrelevant because there is LAW behind everything and you may find you have access to stuff you have been denied for years. You don't have to wait for the LEA to diagnose your daughter you can get a private diagnosis. You can also start the Statementing process. You can ask Social Services to come and assess your daughter and your needs as a carer. There is stuff out there, but no-one tells you how to get it. It isn't all down to you. You need the right professionals and supports to help you. If your daughter is not progressing in school, and needs a number of professionals to support her and has behavioural problems she maybe eligible for a place in a private school which would have to be funded by the LEA - not easy - but also not impossible. Bet no-one ever told you that. Get some legal advice. Get some help. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sally44 Report post Posted March 31, 2009 I also wanted to add that you should keep the psychologists appointment even without your daughter and go and explain what has happened. And ask them what supports are out there, and re-arrange the appointment for another future date. Keeping a diary of events is very useful. Getting a letter from school of how she is in school. Has an Educational Psychologist been into school? What kind of school does she go to? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 31, 2009 i cant do any of that now as shes not 350 miles away with her dad......her school here did acknowledge her problems and had placed her on SAplus and set up iep for her,also gave her opportunity to work away from the class when she got too stressed by it all...she did do this a lot of times.... but her dad just said her problems must be caused by her home life and didnt seem interested in what i have thought.... yes i did just snap that day and boy am i paying for it now!!!! i do ring her and write but its an effort to get anything from her...its like she doesnt care... did keep appt with pyschologist but he just said as she no longer here no more help available basically unless she comes back(which doesnt look good atm).even then will have to start again. he didnt agree with me anyway... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted March 31, 2009 freddy in the past i have rang up social services to take steve away,at the time i was desperate,thank god they didnt take me up on it,i have sat on my stairs actually pulling my hair out begging the doctors to section me!!thank god that didnt happen either!!i understand how desperate you must feel and i really hope your situation can get sorted,im not really good at advice to be honest but just wanted to let you know that we all get desperate at times so please dont feel guilty,let me know how you are getting on xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 31, 2009 thank you........ i suppose its different when you have got a dx....because i dont have that,just my gut instinct i really am starting to question myself,especially as her dad didnt see it,although i do have friends that work with special needs that agree with me......i am annoyed that i didnt get the opportunity to take it further before cracking up..........i just feel like crying all the time..partly feeling sorry for myself and partly as i feel ive let her down and probably left her thinking i didnt want her so took the easy option...which maybe why she cant even speak to me now Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clarypuff Report post Posted March 31, 2009 Bless your heart. <'> I have no advice, just wanted to sympathise. I've been at the GPs begging for help, he couldn't even understand me I was crying so hard. I have begged DS father, social services, anyone to take him away on more than a few occasions. It isn't at all what I want but sometimes the fight just goes out of you especially when you feel you're battling on every front. My ex also doesn't see problems I have to deal with, his new gf is spiteful and fills DS head up with lies which I then have to deal with when he comes back. Have stopped access since I found out she was giving him beer and cigarettes. There goes any respite I might have had. A good friend of mine (funny how you find out who your real friends are!) told me I bear the brunt because he's secure with me. It's now a standing joke ; hows DS? Secure! I think if I didn't laugh I wouldn't cope at all. I really hope it works out for you, try and maintain contact however difficult it is. I think she will need to know you're still there when she needs you. However much she may blame you now. <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted April 1, 2009 i have also been told by people thats why she soo bad here because she more secure here and feels more able to let it all out with us(not very nice though!!!) her dad has never been sworn at, had thinks thrown at him seen her in a complete rage,threatening to kill pets etc then breaking down in tears and worn out...thats why im obviously the problem!!!!!!!!! ..i ring regularly or i wouldnt even get to speak to her as she wouldnt think to.. when i last spoke she was more bothered about what was on tv......when i said its like youdont even want to speak she came out with did you have good xmas?!!!! i said what do you mean ...(she only went few weeks ago)...she replied 'im making conversation'!!!!!! whenever asked what she done or going to do answer is always' nothing'...i just feel like im bombarding her with questions to find out a tiny bit of info. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted April 2, 2009 well she hasnt even rang today as promised.......she obviously just saying stuff to shut me up!!!!! ....i cant believe how hurtful she is being....ive sent letters.texts,rang etc and had nothing.... its like out of sight out of mind!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted April 2, 2009 freddy, I so feel for you, your pain is obvious, you are letting her know you are there for her, thats all you can do for now, like all teenagers she is selfish and can only see things from her point of view, things will change, day at a time, keep being there for her, she will remember it one day. thinking of you, keep strong. <'> Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
connieruff Report post Posted April 17, 2009 Freddy, I've felt like callling my sons dad and asking him to take our son away. Its hard to keep loving someone when all you seem to get is hate back. But I realise that my son is very unhappy - all to do with school. But - you as a mother still have rights, you have visiting rights and you have the right to speak to the teachers at the new school. I would keep in regular contact with her dad, keep it very, very sweet, you will have to bite your tongue. tell him exactly what you have said here, that you were at the end of your tether and that you need some help, and respite, but you still love her. I don't think emails work, they can be misconstrued - its best to pick up the phone. The way back to her is through her dad. Good luck. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted April 17, 2009 (edited) .. when i last spoke she was more bothered about what was on tv......when i said its like youdont even want to speak she came out with did you have good xmas?!!!! i said what do you mean ...(she only went few weeks ago)...she replied 'im making conversation'!!!!!! whenever asked what she done or going to do answer is always' nothing'...i just feel like im bombarding her with questions to find out a tiny bit of info. Freddy, if your daughter is on the autistic spectrum this kind of poor 'social' interaction is very common and completely understandable...not her being hurtful. What have you sorted out about access and residence? I really hope you have spoken to some professionals and got things organised on a formal basis as the longer you leave things the more difficult your position will be unfortunately. Bid Edited April 17, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted April 19, 2009 Not been on for a while....school hols etc. Have spoken to her a few times,sometimes ok and chatty but sometimes strange conversations where she just says silly things and impossible to have conversation.She still not replying to texts from anyone either which is upsetting fr grandparents etc. Her dad doesnt care what i think and hasnt spoke to me to all to tell me the plans,how she is doing etc.She says she coming to visit in a few weeks.so will see what happens with that.Her school report came to me during the hols from school here....not very good, mostly about he disruptive,silly behaviour,refusal to do as asked etc.....i told her i had it, and she had already read it via schools website.............but she hasnt even mentioned it to him..the last time she got a bad report he put the phone down on her and said to ring him when she had an explanation!!!!!.So if she cant even let him see her report she is probably still not that comfortable with him.However if i give him a copy she will take it out on me and if i dont mention it to him and he sees it eventually he will have a go for me not mentioning it so im still stuck in the middle as i waswhen she was here and thay had problems....i cant win either way!!!!. I know she still in honeymon period and he still not got a school sorted yet which she obviously not bothered about..I know her social interaction etc is not deliberate but it does hurt us all...She still doesnt ask about anyone here or what weve been doing. I still love and miss her so much and tell her on the phone and in texts etc but ts all so one sided. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted April 19, 2009 Send him a copy of the report, he should see it, and she shouldnt be calling the shots! you dont have to say you sent it it could have been sent by the school now she is living there, keep strong. <'> Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
