freddy Report post Posted March 14, 2009 After a really bad couple of days with DD i couldnt take her abuse and anger any more and i rang her Dad to take her away....in reality this is the last thing i wanted and realise it was rash decision but nows its too late and shes gone.my heart is broken.... a bit of background........ basically she has every asperger trait you can imagine and very clever with it....seen the pyschologist who decides she not got it(i stil disagree)basically her dad contradicted everything i said,although other family members know whats shes like,they werent asked.......her dad lives at the other end of the country so only saw her at holiday times with none of the normal day to day stuff to deal with so she always good there and let it all out on her return.......school gone downhill and on school acttion plus and iep.......half the lessons she spends away from the class. everything came to a head and after being called every name imaginable and things been thrown it came to this. So now she will be at a new school etc. even before she left she said i cant change my mind or he will kill me after hes driven all this way.she cant show her emotions at all o i have no idea how she relly feels..she just wanted to stay away from me.....i couldnt even say goodbye it was unbearable...... even if she doesnt like it i dont think she would say as she seems too scared of him.I also know she will probably be ok at the start as it will be like an extended holiday for her...... I am here with tears streaming down my face just thinking of her walking into a new school head down and scared....... sorry to ramble but i dont know what to do ..at the end of the day i asked him to take her and he just blames me for all her problems anyway so he will see this as victory for him... i have put up with so much over the years and in one phone call i blew it..... After a really bad couple of days with DD i couldnt take her abuse and anger any more and i rang her Dad to take her away....in reality this is the last thing i wanted and realise it was rash decision but nows its too late and shes gone.my heart is broken.... a bit of background........ basically she has every asperger trait you can imagine and very clever with it....seen the pyschologist who decides she not got it(i stil disagree)basically her dad contradicted everything i said,although other family members know whats shes like,they werent asked.......her dad lives at the other end of the country so only saw her at holiday times with none of the normal day to day stuff to deal with so she always good there and let it all out on her return.......school gone downhill and on school acttion plus and iep.......half the lessons she spends away from the class. everything came to a head and after being called every name imaginable and things been thrown it came to this. So now she will be at a new school etc. even before she left she said i cant change my mind or he will kill me after hes driven all this way.she cant show her emotions at all o i have no idea how she relly feels..she just wanted to stay away from me.....i couldnt even say goodbye it was unbearable...... even if she doesnt like it i dont think she would say as she seems too scared of him.I also know she will probably be ok at the start as it will be like an extended holiday for her...... I am here with tears streaming down my face just thinking of her walking into a new school head down and scared....... sorry to ramble but i dont know what to do ..at the end of the day i asked him to take her and he just blames me for all her problems anyway so he will see this as victory for him... i have put up with so much over the years and in one phone call i blew it..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Hi and a warm welcome, what I see clearly is that at the end of the day, what you needed was a break, a respite and a lot longer than a weekend, like you have said, an extended holiday, it is very upsetting when we have children displaying abusive and violent behaviour, it takes all our energy, emotionally and mentally, and you are a human being at the end of the day who just couldnt take it any more, you have not abandedned her or sent her away, you have asked for support from her other parent, her dad and she has gone to stay with her dad, you have still provided her needs, she will be safe at her dads and hopefully the extended holiday will give her father a truer reflection of what her behaviour is like, it wont be long if she struggles at school and the school will soon get her records and see what level of support she needs, her needs will be the same where ever she goes, so I would take the respite and take the well erned break and start to restore your energy, when you are stronger and more definate what it is you want, you can start to make small steps to manage her again, you could look at accessing courses that help parents manage the challenging behaviour there is courses that are called conflict resolution and other management that helps you get in there early when they are been manipulative and using very suttle behaviours. I really do feel that the most important issue is that a break is essential as things couldnt of continued with her been so challenging, I know that after the honeymoon and the excitement her father will start to understand your struggle. In the meantime take the time to recharge. JsMum xxxxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Teresa Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Hi and welcome There's not much to say i think Jsmum said it all, I really hope that it works out ok for you and your daughter, like Jsmum said, take this time to recharge and try and make sence of what's gone on. Take care Teresa x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks for replying....i have posted about our problems on here before......my main concern is she wont come back and its all my fault......i told him to take her.....as at the time its how i felt.he asked if i was sure and i said yes......he has no idea how bad she can be but now i would give anything for her to be here swearing at me.i cant tell him how i feel as he would throw it in my face and now she will just be brainwashed.i know she cant hold it all in forever but i dont think i would even find out or he would say he can deal with it(ive had years to deal with it.............i just lost it!!!!!!and now i am heartbroken(ididnt think it could be possible to have this many tears) 2 days ago i had no idea that it would end up like this...........how could i have made such a wrong decision....... i think she would be afraid to tell her father she wants to come back and he will say anything to prevent this...as emotions and communications are difficult for her i am so scared for her Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NickyB Report post Posted March 14, 2009 I can only echo what JsMum said. Take care <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Freddy <'> If I'd had that option I can think of times when I might have been tempted to do the same as you. Her dad may be having second thougths too, or he might after a few days of realising what he has let himself in for. It may do their relationship good - you never know, and at least it will help him to see how she really is. When everyone has had time to reflect, maybe you will have a chance to talk about this and work out a constructive way forward. Obviously you will both want your daughter to know that she is loved by both of you and that you want the best for her - whether that involves living with you or dad. In the meantime can you pass on a message or text her to let her know that you're thinking of her? That might help both of you feel better. Take care of yourself, K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Hi Don't be so hard on yourself. We all do and say things in the heat of the moment whilst under great stress, you're only human! I can imagine how much you've put up with and you've simply ran out of steam. Take a bit of time for yourself to recharge your batteries. I think it's probably a case of waiting and seeing what happens. Your daughter's father having on seen her during holidays, etc, will soon see what you've had to put up with because your daughter will be well out of her comfort zone. Try and keep lines of communication open, either by phone or letter with both your daughter and her father. The arrangement doesn't have to be permanent and it's amazing how things have a habit of sorting themselves out, even though, sadly, it always seems like one has to reach breaking point first! Keep your chin up and keep in touch with them and give it a bit of time. Best wishes Caroline Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks for replying....i have posted about our problems on here before......my main concern is she wont come back and its all my fault......i told him to take her.....as at the time its how i felt.he asked if i was sure and i said yes......he has no idea how bad she can be but now i would give anything for her to be here swearing at me.i cant tell him how i feel as he would throw it in my face and now she will just be brainwashed.i know she cant hold it all in forever but i dont think i would even find out or he would say he can deal with it(ive had years to deal with it.............i just lost it!!!!!!and now i am heartbroken(ididnt think it could be possible to have this many tears) 2 days ago i had no idea that it would end up like this...........how could i have made such a wrong decision....... i think she would be afraid to tell her father she wants to come back and he will say anything to prevent this...as emotions and communications are difficult for her i am so scared for her May be deep down, you do want her dad to have her, so he too can get a better picture of what she is like, may be you need him to ring back in a few weeks time pleading mercy and wants her back with you, maybe you just need to be reasured it isnt all your fault, which it isnt, she has special needs, whether or not that is AS or other difficulties going on, her behaviour is impacting on her every day life, its effecting her learning, her social life, her family relationships, her emotions and behaviours, she is not clearly coping either, and she is trying to get help, its not your fault you wasnt able to manage her very difficult moments, I cant manage my own son, no one else has to manage him alone, a school have teachers, his special school have a team of people, the mental health unit he was in had a team of proffessionals, every establishment has someone to fall back on, not us mums, we have to turn to the toilet to scream and shout at, so it is understandable it is a very impossible situation at times. I really dont see how its a mistake, you sent her to her Dad, that is not wrong, he even asked you if you where sure, and you said yes, if this was a bad mistake you wouldnt of done it in the first place, so deep down, I am feeling it is what you want, she will try to contain it as much as possible but it will come out in the end, he will have problems wether he wants to admit or not, thats his interpritation. My friend use to have J and she use to say he was no problems, I soon learn that was not the real inturpritation, he required a lot of support and he was very demanding, and they gave him back to me, even if her dad does ring to say its ok it may be it is for now. I would really not use this time to go over and over what you did wrong, but what you can gain from her time with her dad, what do you miss doing when your dealing with her behaviour, have a nice warm bubbly bath, rest, eat, slob out, for a bit, then start to look at areas of your life you want to change. If you use this time in regret then all it will do is keep things the same, and Im sure you are ready for change, otherwise you would of continued with your daughter hitting and swearing. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 14, 2009 we dont really get on that well as he doesnt agree there is anything wrong with her. i know he is controlling when she there and tries to talk her into his way of thinking...so things that had been no problem before she went would be a no no when she came back....she is afraid to tell him what she thinks and most of the time would prefer to text him than speak to him. even if things did get bad he would never admit it or give up (like i did).he will not change his mind as he will now see it as hes won some sort of competition. i cant think of anything else and ruined my life.....its all down to me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 14, 2009 (edited) we dont really get on that well as he doesnt agree there is anything wrong with her. i know he is controlling when she there and tries to talk her into his way of thinking...so things that had been no problem before she went would be a no no when she came back....she is afraid to tell him what she thinks and most of the time would prefer to text him than speak to him. even if things did get bad he would never admit it or give up (like i did).he will not change his mind as he will now see it as hes won some sort of competition. i cant think of anything else and ruined my life.....its all down to me Just reasuring you, you have not ruined your life, and it is NOT all down to you, there is three people in this relationship, her dad, you, and your D, so there is responsibility on all accounts. You are not making any mistakes here from what I see, only that you are really in need just as much as your Daughter is, maybe because the both of you need a lot of things you both need to have space to do that, her dad will find having to deal with every day tasks just as difficult, if hes only had her weekends and holidays, there is a difference when it isnt those and its work, shopping and daily tasks, things you have to deal with all on top of what your dealing with and coping with your daughter. JsMum Edited March 14, 2009 by JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 14, 2009 She must think that i hate her to have put her in this situation ,sending her away from everyone she knows,friends,teachers who know what shes like and can deal with it. i have just made her problems worse, if she has problems here how will she cope when she knows no-one .we were ment to see the pyschologist with her next week so any help she would have got wont happen and as her dad doesnt think there is a problem at present and if it does become a problem the ball will have to start rolling again wasting precious time(btw she is 13) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 14, 2009 She must think that i hate her to have put her in this situation ,sending her away from everyone she knows,friends,teachers who know what shes like and can deal with it. i have just made her problems worse, if she has problems here how will she cope when she knows no-one .we were ment to see the pyschologist with her next week so any help she would have got wont happen and as her dad doesnt think there is a problem at present and if it does become a problem the ball will have to start rolling again wasting precious time(btw she is 13) Does she not know her Dad, he is her parent as much as you, at the end of the day, when there is a situation that is impossible your choices are limited, where else could she of gone, it is much kinder to have her with her father, than let thing esculate, as I have said, your not sending her away, she is struggling already with children now, even with children she knows, its part of her problems, were ever she will go she will have to always get to know new people, Im an adult and always meeting people I dont know, thats how we meet friends, we didnt know them when we first met them, one time we didnt know them. Her Dad has her at weekends where he can spend time with her doing what she wants, the conflict is less and she probably gets her own way a lot, in a normal home with normal tasks that wont be the case, you said she is scared of him, is she really though. JsMumxxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted March 14, 2009 i read your personal situation can so sympathise completely i have AS dyspraxia and MH probs (anxiety,depression etc ) and i can ask honestly my parents was once nearly faced with the same decision as yourself due to my anger /meltdowns got so bad so aggressive ,violent becoming dangerous to myself and others putting increadable amount of stress and pressure in the household my parents feel powerless yet guilty in some ways! like they caused it. my parents didnt know where to turn what to do to help and support me best! yet their love ,care and encouragement strongness shone through in the end! does take time for everyone i think to readjust their minds and lives it must be an awful heartbreaking thing to do sometimes you need that breathing space both of you away from the heated thing that started it altogther! is there anything that can calm her down? what does the abuse consist of? and anger how does that show and present itself in behaviour?does anything in partciluar trigger such beahviour? maybe get some kinda suppport and help from somewhere like the NAS or get your daughter into counselling (CBT, anger management meds,pyschtrist? ) is she hiding maybe depression ,anxiety mental health problems behind anger ? she not been assessed and diagnosed with AS though am i right if am maybe start researching into getting that ready for when times are right for your daughter and your family! have u looked up signs for AS and thinks she definately 'fits' the diagnosis of it? anyone else in your family with LD's such as autism/AS? do you think you daugther wants diagnosis sometimes this gives some kind of identity to the situation and gives some answers to why thinks happen that way not all answers as that could never happen! you worked out why your daugther angry? when did it start becoming a problem? i think both you and your daughter struggling to copem with many unwanted feelings and emotions you feel 'stuck'? does your daugther vent her anger directly just at you or others in family too? myabe she isolated and frustrated with her life and her problems maybe record her anger and abuse almost in a diary form so could go doctors and prove whats happening and get her right kind of help and support and for you too! if the doctors offer CAMHS though i steer well clear alot people i speak to with AS and probs like your daughter's (anger,depression,anxiety MH probs!) get negatively stuck then pushed from pillar to post change is always happening there so no too good experience just to warn you before it does happen! maybe going to a parent support group for AS where hearing tips and other parents situations and stories may help you learn how to cope and deal with things before they start! you thought bout respite care as in having social worker or key wroker or family link which may help give you 'you time' that you sometimes need! this doesn't make you bad mother though! you have to get yourself in good place before you can 'sort' out your daughter's problems she has! might help with isolation and frustration with yourself! i was angry at the world for giving me this life with AS etc and was so just fed up and hurt by what it faced me with i directed my anger and pain through my regular outbursts towards my family thinks were really quite bad turned it around now though hardly ever angry now or agressive,violent try not to be though occassionly still feel it! just be there form your daughter when she might able to 'open' up and talk and express her emotions and feelings in a positive better way meaning better living situation for you and daughter! she may feel misunderstood in the world in everyday life have you sat down and talked her through how she might be feeling and why? i really didnt know excatly why the anger came i just know was 'messy' horrid situation to be in almost like wasn't be like someone taken over my body with hatred and disgust! she may feel lost,confused,scared afraid all kind of things going on in her head! might be a good idea for her also to keep a personal secret diary to 'empty' 'bad' thoughts of anger abuse into this diary before she gets to that stage? its helped me alot a coping stage i put in place instead of bitterness etc! does your daughter know when she getting to point of losing it? or does she just go straight away? TC have good rest KLX hope this advise helps hope you and your daughter find some answers what ever they maybe and i'm sure your daughter won't hold this against you forever! it's just you both put in awakard position feeling desperate and not sure about anything! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted March 14, 2009 maybe her dad wants the 'normal' ''perfect' child that every parent dreams of but he does know where to direct his hurt.pain and anger of this whole situation that he won't face up to and accept there are problems that need addressing! maybe family therapy may between first you and your EX hubby may help connect some links lost between broken down relationships between you and your daughter?! and then after couple sessions add your daughter in to see how she thinks and feels about 'everything' going on!? can help sometimes 'clear the air' and start a fresh start again! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 14, 2009 Does she not know her Dad, he is her parent as much as you, at the end of the day, when there is a situation that is impossible your choices are limited, where else could she of gone, it is much kinder to have her with her father, than let thing esculate, as I have said, your not sending her away, she is struggling already with children now, even with children she knows, its part of her problems, were ever she will go she will have to always get to know new people, Im an adult and always meeting people I dont know, thats how we meet friends, we didnt know them when we first met them, one time we didnt know them. Her Dad has her at weekends where he can spend time with her doing what she wants, the conflict is less and she probably gets her own way a lot, in a normal home with normal tasks that wont be the case, you said she is scared of him, is she really though. JsMumxxx i know she doesnt tell her dad a lot of stuff she tells me.....she doesnt see him every weekend just some school holidays and i dont think she really knows him and i do honestly think she is a bit scared of him. when i hear her phone calls with him all ihear rom her is 'fine,yeah,ok etc' i know his irst question is hows school? her answer is always fine and that is never the case! her dad also has other kids a lot younger than her and her siblings here 'get on her nerves' a horrible part of me wants her to go there and be the violent abusive angry person she sometimes is and i know thats wrong.i understnd what you are saying about new people, buti feel s though i have pushed her into a situation she would not really want and she is now too scared to say so. i also think i will now get the one word phone calls and not have a clue what is goingon.....what really gets to me is her dad has Never rang me to see how things are going and i know when i do he will just say its great. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 14, 2009 I dont think your pushing her into situations she cant cope with by sending her to her dads, its for her own safety that she has gone to her dads, yes she will have to have a new school and new children as thats the new arrangements, thats the way it is, Js had to go to a residential school and had to meet new children, after a few months he has got to know them and they have got to know him, they dont always get on, but thats his social difficulties, there his needs, but he has support from the school, once she has settled into the school at her dads and they start to live as a family there will start to understand what you are saying, even if it does go great for a few weeks the most thing that matters is that she is safe, and that you are getting a break. I think you need to give it some time before bringing her home. JsMumxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 15, 2009 Why don't you tell your DD and your ex that of course she will come to you every weekend/every other weekend? Then you will keep the contact with her, and be able to assess how things are going. Did you have a court order regarding access/residency or has it been an informal arrangement? I hope things become easier for you soon <'> Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 15, 2009 his access was informal arrangement,i never once said no to whenever he aske to see her.she flew as its 350 miles so i always took her and picked her up from airport. i know he will not be as agreeable as i was. I have sent him an e mail explaining how i feel i made a very wrong and rash decision and how it could affect her....(couldnt help it) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 15, 2009 (edited) As it's so far, you could tell them both that she will be coming to you for every school holiday. Other than that I can only think the best thing would be to speak to a solicitor or at least someone from the Citizens Advice Bureau so that you have a clear understanding of the legal situation with regard to access/residence. Good luck <'> Bid Edited March 15, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 15, 2009 but would that not also take into account her feelings.........if she is here she will be missing out on his family holidays,she could say she doesnt want to come........i would rather it was the other way round for her sake ,school etc Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 15, 2009 (edited) but would that not also take into account her feelings.........if she is here she will be missing out on his family holidays,she could say she doesnt want to come........i would rather it was the other way round for her sake ,school etc But the situation as it is now is that she's with her dad. You are the adult and her other, equal parent so you need to establish contact and access, which is why I think you need to get some professional advice. <'> Bid Edited March 15, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 15, 2009 well i didnt behave like an adult though...........i should have dealt with it differently Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 15, 2009 well i didnt behave like an adult though...........i should have dealt with it differently Lets rewind then, how else would an adult behave, if she had of continued to hit and hurt you, what else could you of done, you have to look at the positives of what action you took, she is safe, you are safe, right now, this minuet. If there was any other choice you would of took that. JsMumxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kazzen161 Report post Posted March 15, 2009 I have been in the same situation. Many a time I have told my ex to take T (my ex refused to believe that there was anything different about T - he always said he had no problems with him), but he didn't want him full time. I would have felt distraught if he had taken him, but at the time of saying it, I did mean it. My ex didn't want him to go to a residential school - but he did not want to have T to live with him, either. Only once ever, did the school call my ex to go and collect T (on one of the many bad days), and he just said he couldn't because he was at work! I think you were right to e-mail him. I would suggest you get some legal advice, to clarify what everyone's rights are. Go to the CAMHS appointment on your own, and use that time to explain how bad things have been. They may be able to offer you some help, so that you would feel more able to cope with your dd if she came back. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted March 15, 2009 Hi Freddy After reading your posts I wanted to say something about being scared/controlled etc. My daughter gets very angry, frustrated, upset etc - she too can be violent and aggressive - mainly to me. My hubby is far stricter, and she has on many occasions said that daddy scares her when he shouts or tells her off etc. However, when she loses it aggressively, or gets really frustrated, anxious or starts to panic etc - she wants her dad to calm her down - his control over the situation helps her - she wants to be held firm, she wants to feel safe and secure and because he seems strong and in control that helps her calm down - whereas I'm the one who sits and listens to her/cuddles her when she's sad or talks about her interests when she's on a high and helps with her homework and sorts out all the things she worries about - it's me she attacks and perhaps it's because I can't contain her anymore now that she's bigger. Maybe that is what she needs at the moment - I see from your post she's 13 - this is such a hard time for them (my daughters 15) emotionally and physically - does she suffer from anxiety at all. Take care, Jb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 15, 2009 I have been in the same situation. Many a time I have told my ex to take T (my ex refused to believe that there was anything different about T - he always said he had no problems with him), but he didn't want him full time. I would have felt distraught if he had taken him, but at the time of saying it, I did mean it. My ex didn't want him to go to a residential school - but he did not want to have T to live with him, either. Only once ever, did the school call my ex to go and collect T (on one of the many bad days), and he just said he couldn't because he was at work! I think you were right to e-mail him. I would suggest you get some legal advice, to clarify what everyone's rights are. Go to the CAMHS appointment on your own, and use that time to explain how bad things have been. They may be able to offer you some help, so that you would feel more able to cope with your dd if she came back. Thats just it .......i did mean it a the time and am now distraught.he has never had any school contact abouut her behaviour obviously as he is so far away,but he not made any effort to find out either and believes everything she says......she can tell me the truth but not him....even though if it is so bad she knows i will tell him.........i hope it wont be a reversal now. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 15, 2009 That's why you must seek legal advice, Freddy <'> Contact the Citizens Advice Bureau first thing tomorrow morning and I'm sure they will know what steps to take next. Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted March 15, 2009 heya freddy i agree with bid at this time it some good practical advise she has give i make emergency meeting with CAMHS and tell them everything! so yep i do so agree with bid well done! couldn't have said it better myself lol X good luck freddy! hope you get your daughter back in time! it will heal you just need some extra help and support with doing so! that is so wrong or bad! it's good you taking positive action to fight to get her back! take your time and don't rush into anything think first! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 15, 2009 the appt i that i have is one that was for 3 of us with DD,DH and myself with the pyschologist from child and family dept at hospital(the one who doesnt think she has AS) i will do anything to get her back and take onboard all advice given.but the worry is she wont want to(i know i shouldnt think that way but i cant help it!) Tomorrow i have to let her school know.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chris54 Report post Posted March 16, 2009 I would not tell the school that she is gone for good only that at the moment you don't know how long she will be away. I have no doubt that given time your daughter will be back with you, when it is realised by them both that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 16, 2009 her and her dad are both stubborn so not likely admit they were wrong...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 16, 2009 Are you getting some legal advice, Freddy? Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kazzen161 Report post Posted March 16, 2009 the appt i that i have is one that was for 3 of us with DD,DH and myself with the pyschologist from child and family dept at hospital(the one who doesnt think she has AS) i will do anything to get her back and take onboard all advice given.but the worry is she wont want to(i know i shouldnt think that way but i cant help it!) Tomorrow i have to let her school know.... You can still go to the appointment on your own, and explain what has happened. I agree - do not tell the school she has moved permanently. If you do, her place will be given to another child, and if she does decide to come back, then she may have to go to a different school. You really do need professional advice as soon as possible. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 21, 2009 You can still go to the appointment on your own, and explain what has happened. I agree - do not tell the school she has moved permanently. If you do, her place will be given to another child, and if she does decide to come back, then she may have to go to a different school. You really do need professional advice as soon as possible. Still very upset by it all,have spoken to her couple of times....first time awful she was so cold,one word answers etc ,2nd time a bit better more chatty but still more upsetting for me than her!!!!! my other dd spoke to her and her first question was are you coming back?..answer no have decided to go to appt next week and explain whats been going on(and hopefully wont be a blubbering mess!!) all i do is wonder whats shes doing,still cant eat,sleep etc which i know is no good buts its only been a week..its been a nightmare seeing her 'friends' and their parents about especially when picking up DD i just try to avoid them. How common is it for AS people to basically hide there problems and anger etc from others (ie her dad) as he has seen nothing........so it just makes me wonder if its just me where the problem lies. sorry for the moan ....... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Teresa Report post Posted March 21, 2009 Hi Freddy My daughter is 18 and she is very good at hiding her problems, and find's it extremely difficult to talk about thing's that are troubling her. So my answer to your question would be, yes in my daughter case. I'm really sorry for the problem's you are having at the moment, I hope it all works out for you and your daughter. Take care Teresa XX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted March 21, 2009 How common is it for AS people to basically hide there problems and anger etc from others (ie her dad) as he has seen nothing........so it just makes me wonder if its just me where the problem lies. Hi, I haven't read through the whole thread so apologies if this is out of context, but I have an answer to just this question. The people who get the worst of my anger and know of the issues I'm facing are very few (hmm, 2...) - the people who I trust most and feel most secure and comfortable with. Only with these people do I feel safe enough to 'let it all out' and know that they won't use it against me. So it may be the converse to your interpretation - not that your daughter has a problem with you but feels safest with you. People I don't feel safe with and don't fully trust do get the hidden me and don't know everything going on because I don't know how they will respond and I'm scared of what response I will get - including them deciding I'm too difficult to deal with and that if they were friends they no longer want to be or if they are someone I can go to for help/support in a specific situation, that if they knew more of my issues they would no longer feel comfortable around me and I wouldn't get the support I do - does that make sense? And then there's also the assumption I often have and do find it difficult to remember not to do that if I know something or I have told some people then everyone knows... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 21, 2009 Hi freddy - just read the above and wanted to offer a different opinion on that. In no way am i suggesting that this is the case for mumble (or for yourself - I couldn't possibly know), but quite often the reality is the people who get the brunt of autistic peoples behaviour are not the ones they 'trust' but the ones they feel they can get away with it with. That's precisely how abusive relationships work - and autistic people are just as capable of fostering and engineering abusive relationships as anyone else. Another factor, abusers will always turn the scenario on its head to make themselves the victim - ask any woman (or man come to that - domestic abuse is not exclusively a female problem) who has found themselves in a violent relationship. L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 21, 2009 Still very upset by it all,have spoken to her couple of times....first time awful she was so cold,one word answers etc ,2nd time a bit better more chatty but still more upsetting for me than her!!!!! my other dd spoke to her and her first question was are you coming back?..answer no have decided to go to appt next week and explain whats been going on(and hopefully wont be a blubbering mess!!) all i do is wonder whats shes doing,still cant eat,sleep etc which i know is no good buts its only been a week..its been a nightmare seeing her 'friends' and their parents about especially when picking up DD i just try to avoid them. How common is it for AS people to basically hide there problems and anger etc from others (ie her dad) as he has seen nothing........so it just makes me wonder if its just me where the problem lies. sorry for the moan ....... What legal advice did you get to clarify your position Freddy? Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 21, 2009 Hi freddy - just read the above and wanted to offer a different opinion on that. In no way am i suggesting that this is the case for mumble (or for yourself - I couldn't possibly know), but quite often the reality is the people who get the brunt of autistic peoples behaviour are not the ones they 'trust' but the ones they feel they can get away with it with. That's precisely how abusive relationships work - and autistic people are just as capable of fostering and engineering abusive relationships as anyone else. Another factor, abusers will always turn the scenario on its head to make themselves the victim - ask any woman (or man come to that - domestic abuse is not exclusively a female problem) who has found themselves in a violent relationship. L&P BD I would both agree and disagree with you, BD! When the challenging behaviour is almost constant, I think you are quite right. However, I do think it's true that sometimes for anyone, not just those with AS, breaking down through intense emotions can only happen with someone they trust. The other option, of which I am a past master, is internalising and supressing everything Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freddy Report post Posted March 21, 2009 i do think she probably thought she 'could get away with behaviour' with me especially as her dad was miles away and couldnt really do anything....if she was in such a state and i asked her to speak to him on the phone she wouldnt but also if i did tell him what she had been doing he would never say anything about it to her at all so basically i got no support.......so whilst i was doing the grounding,taking away priveleges etc but when she saw him it would all be fine,trips out nice things etc...she was always pre warned of any consequences before the event but it never made any difference........so now im thinking she will hold it in for as long as possible and when she decides to 'visit' will let it all out again here so he will still never see it.......i know he blames me but when she was younger and stayed at grandparents etc i was always told she was a credit to me(by them)now shes bigger and so are the problems its down to me..... from primary school she had problems not mixing and put in nuture groups etc and to be honest at that point didnt think her problems would end up like this..which i think is due to the fact of noticing the differences with her and YD and the things ED did not do a the same age Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
