feeling really fed up

[LKS]

Sorry everyone big moan coming on. I've long suspected that my husband has Aspergers. This was confirmed by a consultant at a routine appt. for my son who also has aspergers, my husband sees no point in being diagnosed now. He says it would be different if he was still at school where he had the most miserable time. Anyway life goes along o.k. for my husband as long as he thinks he is in control. we used to have our own business about 8 years ago and he was very happy as it was his sort of little kingdom. Things started to go wrong with staff and similar sorts of businesses opening nearby. I also found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. totally unplanned! As he felt control slipping away from him his behaviour became more bizarre, he would not accept any help from anyone and was working 18 hours a day and hardly sleeping. The inevitable happened and he had a nervous breakdown. He was in hospital for several weeks. A month after this i had the baby. He was at home for a year following this and eventually found another job. This was no mean feat as he was 40 years old and didn't really have any skills. This job involves making sure certain things are in the right places and uses his brilliant mental maths skills He seems to enjoy it. At home is the problem. When he is here he sleeps all day. I wake him up for breakfast he eats, he sits in the chair, and sleeps He has no interest in his surroundings or his family really.His one constant obsession is football, not just the watching but he reads fact books over and over again. At 8.30 every night he shuts himself in our front room to read his books, smoke his fags and drink his beer. Thats it the end of the evening for us. He says I can sit in with him if I want. I think he is probably depressed but he really sees nothing wrong in his behaviour and honestly I think he would probably be happier alone. He also neglects his appearance I have to remind him to was his hair and cut his nails. He says He can't do his nails and asks me to do them for him. He will not do himself a sandwich because he says his are useless and I make much better ones. I think I probably have not helped him much as when he was off for the year I looked after him a lot. I sometimes sit in bed and think is this it. I feel so sad I am crying as I type this. Sorry to go on and thanks for reading

[mossgrove]

LKS

 

I am sorry things have come to this. I wish I had some answers, but all I have are these thoughts:

 

It sounds from what you have described that your husband is depressed and not coping with life, and therefore retreats into football, beer and cigarettes at the earliest opportunity.

 

While aspergers may explain some things about your husbands behaviour, it is not a 'catch-all' justification for treating you like this. The hard part from this distance is separating out issues related to spergers, and issues with other causes. From what you have said, things have not always been this way between you. You need to find some way of re-opening the channels of communication.

 

In the short term you maybe need to tell him that youn have needs too, and his current behaviours are not acceptable, and he cannot continue to live amongst you unless he is preprared to recognise this. A first step would be to arrange to see your GP to see if anti-depressants/counselling are needed.

 

Is your husnband drinking heavily? heavy drinking night after night can cause depression and relationship problems for any couple, even when autism/aspergers is not involved.

 

Simon

Edited August 16, 2005 by mossgrove

[Suze]

OH LKS, feel for you <'> , I agree with Simon , go see the GP(even if it,s just you), maybe now is the time for camhs to see your hubbie and offer you both some help and counselling.

[forbsay]

Hi LKS

 

Thinking of you.

 

Elaine

x

[annie]

<'> <'> LKS <'> <'>

 

I saw my GP about my husband years ago (suspected depression). One thing I remember being told, is to remember that depression is an illness, the person suffering with depression is not deliberately trying to hurt you (emotionally). They are so wrapped up in how they feel they cannot see what's going on around them.

 

I know this doesn't make it any better.

 

Perhaps you going round to see the GP yourself could be the first step. They may be able to give you some help as what to do next.

 

Annie

<'>

[Amanda32]

Lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Take care and we are all here if you need to let it all out and tell us how you are feeling. Hope things work out soon with everything as well. It does sound like he's not letting anyone in and not sure if he as ever told you how he feels at all. Im not an expert but if he wanted to be alone that may make him worse he needs support and you are giving him lots of that...... you have had alot to deal with too and I bet he's very happy he's got a loving wife who as supported him through the difficult times. Sorry if it's all come out wrong but just trying my best how to word things.

 

Amanda <'>

Edited August 16, 2005 by Amanda32

[LKS]

Thanks all it just felt so good to off load ! with our AS children we try really hard not to let their 'condition' be an exscuse for some behaviour, but with an adult its even harder because you expect them to take some responsibility. I think the fact that he has had a nervous breakdown has shown that he hasn't coped with things in the past. I think I will go to my G.P. she does review my husband every year because of his history but he tells her everything is fine(I really think that he thinks it is) I have told her that he is not telling her the full story but she says that he has to admit that he has a problem. I wonder what he is depressed about. He does not drink heavily, about 3 cans of lager every night but it is every night.

[Lesley]

LKS,

 

I can really empathise with you.

My husband is now self diagnosed AS after years of alcoholoism & depression. He's just referred himself for official dx not for himself (like your husband he cant see the point after getting this far) but for our son in the hope that it will somehow benefit him.

He's always said it was his state of mind that wasn't right.

We now think the alcohol was self medication - it drowned out his anxiousness & he never knew what it meant to socialise in a pub - all he knew was: pub - go to bar - have drink - etc. He never really saw all the other people in there and missed the socialising point of it which in the end facilitated his lonely drinking. Alcoholics Anonymous never really worked due to his difficulties with social communication so now we manage it between us. Have you thought of the alcohol this way?

I have to say that it wasn't until I got him to read a few books about AS (because of our son's dx) that he really started accepting it which paved the way to talking about it which has lifted the load a bit.

I'm now able to tell him if he's being 'aspie' and we can talk about how he could approach things differently.

Sometimes its still really exasperating but getting easier all the time.

He has even started looking at the lighter side - the last time we went on holiday he informed me 'guess what? I've got a new OCD!!!' In addition to checking all the lights, plugs (managed to unplug the fridge before one holiday & everything perished), windows and doors, I now have to turn on & off all the taps too! (thats 6 sets in our house...)

The key for me was getting him to open up & talk about it.

 

L

xxx

[Elanor]

LKS

 

This sounds so difficult for you - I think you're right about seeing the GP, and you could perhaps mention that you think that he has Aspergers. It does sound very much like depression. You don't have to be depressed about something - you're just depressed. That's what's so crappy about depression. The neglect of personal hygeine is quite indicative of depression. Also, speaking from personal experience, I think that once you've had depression, you are more vulnerable to a recurrence in the future.

[Tally]

LKS, it really does sound like your husband is depressed, but does not recognise it. My husband has depression, and sometimes I find it really hard to deal with his behaviour. It's very difficult to draw a line between supporting and enabling. I wonder if you need to make certain things his responsibility again.

[LKS]

Hi everyone went to see my GP on Friday she let me talk for ages and said it does sound like my husband is depressed but there is nothing she can do unless he agrees to go in and see her. When he goes in for a review of his medication he always tell her he is fine, and I really think that he thinks he is. I have tried to talk to him but he says he is ok and everyone else has the problem ho hum. I truly believe that he thinks there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, I must admit he has always behaved like this but his behaviour is becoming more extreme. The doctor ended by asking me if I would like some anti-depressants Suppose I could have got them and slipped them into husbands tea Only joking honestly

[baddad]

Hi LKS -

Don't have much to offer, but i think Tally's post is something you should really think about: "It's very difficult to draw a line between supporting and enabling"...

That may sound really harsh, but while it's true that your partner may not intend or even realise that there's a problem, there is, and it's impacting on the lives of those who are trying to support him...

Sometimes 'tough love' is the only way forward - and I don't mean that in the 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off' sort of way, 'cos i know that that is NOT an option for people who are clinically depressed - but in the sense that other people's needs have to be taken into account, even if the first person [your partner] doesn't 'see' the underlying problem...

Perhaps you could try to stop asking him to see the doctor for 'his' sake, but to instead see the doctor for yours and for your children's? Take the onus off of 'him', and target the behaviour as a threat to all of you?

One other thing that comes to mind, given the problems with his business etc, is that his self esteem will have taken quite a knock... The fact that he's found other work and got back on his feet again should be a positive thing, but it's a possibility that in his own mind he sees this as some sort of surrender or retreat. Considering the investment he put into it, that loss must be huge, and I'm sure that 'grief' is not to strong a word for it, even if it does seem slightly out of context.

Really sorry if that all sounds a bit twee and simplistic. I think in these situations almost everything does...

Very, very best to you all

L&P

BD

[smallworld]

I agree with Baddad and Tally, I think it's really important for this to be seen as a family 'issue' rather than your husband's problem. If you make 'his' depression his 'problem' then you are creating even more pressure on him ( he will be feeling this even if he denies it )

I also agree that your husband will be feeling grief over the loss of the business, and I think a loss of control in his life.

When we've had major setbacks like this, it's been the idea of us all as family that has got us through it.

Don't press him to accept this though, just reassure him that his family are there, whatever.

If that sounds trite, I apologise, but I know that 'softly',softly catchee monkey' works.

I hope it all works out for you, if I look back 3 years ago we were in a similar situation, it's not hunkydory now, but life is way better than it was.

 

wac

[Malika]

Hi

 

You are in a very difficult situation as you cannot leave your husband to his own device but you are not allowed legaly to force him to some kind of treatment, I had similar sort of problem years ago with my ex except that he was not really depressed but electrical and even dangerous , when I went to his GP saying that I tought I was in danger as well as the children my son was a baby at the time I have been told that they had no right to tell me anything I eventually found out that he had been dx with narcissistic personnality disorder which had been treated with prozac I recently read an article that for those kind of people prozac makes mater worst.

Now however even with my ex I managed to convince him to change GP and go to mine where they try to help him but because of his problem he was in fact going only to get attention and manipulate everybody not to get help, the whole thing ended up very badly as he commited a crime and ended up in prison. He was supposed to be deported back to France but the police lost him...

 

Now for your husband it is certainly not that bleak he is deffinitly suffering from depression and probably does not like his job that much even if he cannot express it I think the only way may be to reassure him that he is very important to you and his family and that you love him very much don't worry about football talk to him about it show some interest but don't over do it, try to spend some time with him without being judjumental try to establish a connection if you see he is getting better keep talking to him and be kind and understanding, you could even go with him to see a football match can he bear to be in a crowd?? when you feel he is less depress then you could try to send him to his GP (who you could talk to before hand ) you can send him to his GP even for another problem he may be able to tell his GP how depress he feels the GP may then be able to send him to a psychology unit. I hope I did not repeat too much others advice and I hope this will help best wishes to you and your family my heart is with you take care.

 

Malika.

[LKS]

Hi everyone sorry I haven't replied for ages but I have had major problems with the computer, we lost windows You have all given me much to think about. I think my husband probably doesn't like his job, but I don't know many people that do. I think its just that I've become so tired looking after everyone. I wanted my husband to be a partner not another child. Yesterday I had to go to Tescos to do a mamoth shop. My husband had the day off so I left him keeping an eye on the children. When I got back he was asleep in the chair. When he finally woke up he said I can't believe you went shopping before doing me something to eat. Now most of us reading that will think what a selfish b*****d but he really couln't understand why I was so upset I think if I had any energy left I would probably call it a day but I think the kids are better off here. (we don't really argue as he just refuses to speak when there is a problem) ho hum I'm sure when everyone is back at school I shall start to feel more calm.

[smallworld]

Can I tag on to this thread :

hope you enjoy your day

wac

[LKS]

Thanks Waccoe have started on the Thorntons already Not a good sign. Think a lot of the rellys are descending on me today Think I will escape as they shall all sit around waiting for tea!

[annie]

Happy Birthday LKS

 

Another spooky co-incidence - we're the same age

 

Have a great day.

 

Annie

<'>

[lil_me]

Hope you have a lovely day <'>

[oracle]

 

Try and enjoy the day

 

Carole

[Amanda32]

Happy Birthday

 

Have a nice day enjoy it

 

 

Take care

Amanda

[Malika]

Hi I hope you are starting to feel more relax now???

 

Just a little tip about shopping, as I have problem with my feet and there is no way I would get anybody with me to help certainly not the kids!! Well I do my shopping on line with Tesco or Asda something like a huge shopping every 3 weeks the 1rst go is long, but when you have your favorit list or last order list where you can clic on what you want, and you can just add other things you need after. I really found it a life saver as well as money saver as the bill use to increase so much every time I had the kids with me. I don't know if you can do it in your area???

 

Take care hope your situation will improve, best wishes.

 

Malika.