social services are coming to see me

[Viper]

Hi all.

 

The head of Bens ex school summoned me on Monday and went to great lagnth to tell me that b/c I have chosen to HE I no longer have accsess to the school nurse and don't have a health visitor anymore as Ben is too old. She said she was handing my "case" over to social services.

 

i got a leter today saying-:

 

We have received information concerning Ben, which we would like to discuss with you.

Whenever we are given information about children, we have a responsibility to inform parents and discuss it's contents.

 

It may or may not be accurate, but it is important you know what has been said, and have the oppotunity to make your own comments. Sometimes there are dificulties we can help with.

 

A duty social worker would like to visit you at home on Tuesday 18th October at 4.00pm. Could you please ensure Ben is present.

 

 

I feel like I have been accused of something really bad, all I want to do is give Ben the very best I can, but the school seem to think I am doing wrong by him. I don't hit him, I feed him, clothe him (well when he wants to wear clothes) and I don't even want to think about the other things people do to children, he is loved more than I can give words to, so why have they done this to me?

My son is not at any risk whatsoever so why are they wasting time with me when there are kids dying every day through abuse or neglect.

 

I feel I have to try and convince all of you that I don't ill treat Ben, I am being persecuted for trying to give my son a good start in life.

 

Viper.

[Noetic]

That sounds ominous - with all that going on about how they feel you should know what was said, you'd think they would have the decency to actually TELL you so you don't spend the next week or so worried out of your head

[Zemanski]

I think it may be routine when a child is removed from school, especially under difficult circumstances - if you think about it it really should be automatic, there are all sorts of reasons a kid might be taken out and it should really always be checked.

 

you have the opportunity to show them Ben in your own home, loved and cared for, healthy and happy (or happier) - that has to be positive

 

you also are being given a chance to answer the questions the school has raised - to put things right.

 

While some people have had difficulties with social services, many have found their social worker to be a real help.

 

Try to be positive

 

keeping my fingers crossed for you

 

Zemanski

[Tez]

Viper,

 

Please don't worry. The Head of my son's Infant school reported me to Social Services because she did not agree with some of the decisions I made about him. For me the investigation consisted of a very quivk phone call where I was asked a few questions and was then told that they had no concerns and were happy to let the matter rest.

 

I am sure that when they have visited you the matter will go no further. If they have any concerns their aim will be to help you not to make things difficult for you, nor to take Ben away from you.

 

It is always very difficult when some professional doubts our motives or parenting skills but I doubt there is a parent on this forum who hasn't felt that they were being criticised by teachers in some way at some time.

[nellie]

Viper,

 

I think this is routine. We often feel that big brother is watching and critising us. Just remember you pay their wages! They are there to help and provide a service. As far as your son is concerned you are the expert.

 

Keep us posted.

 

Nellie xx

[oracle]

I am sorry but I do not agree this is not routine. The Head has no right to pass anything on to SS after a child has been taken out of school, unless she feels that there is a child at risk. I know this from the many people on our Campaign Group. Taking your child out of school is NOT a SS related matter and I know parents who have suffered badly because of this.

 

I am not happy because I know the team that were looking at your son mentioned anixiety seperation.

 

Viper please join the HE SEN list that I sent the link for via a pm, and then please post there what you have posted here.

 

There are experts on this list who can and will get you through this.

 

This is one of the biggest issues that we fight on Campaign.

 

It may be routine in your area but it is still not legal.

 

Carole

Edited October 13, 2005 by carole

[oracle]

Can I just add Viper that you most certainly DO have access to the school nurse even though Ben is no longer at school - so the Head is telling you rubbish. Even though Matthew is out of school we have access to the nurse she even rings me from time to time. I know that others that HE have contact to.

 

I am not trying to worry you just trying to make sure that you cover all bases here.

 

Carole

[Flora]

Totally out of my ken viper, but it would be common sense that they would cover themselves. I reckon they'll just come out, see all is well then leave you alone. Just my humble opinion and agreement with the others. I can understand how you feel though, it would annoy me (a bit like the time it took 4 policeman to issue me with a parking ticket because I couldn't find a legal parking space near the school so parked on double yellow lines.... like I said to them... they shouldn't be wasting tax payers money, they should be out catching real criminals, not harrassing people who are just trying to keep their kids safe.

 

Lauren

[Mother in Need]

We have received information concerning Ben, which we would like to discuss with you.

Whenever we are given information about children, we have a responsibility to inform parents and discuss it's contents.

 

It may or may not be accurate, but it is important you know what has been said, and have the oppotunity to make your own comments. Sometimes there are dificulties we can help with.

 

Been there done than, though under different circumstances. They will show you the letter that the HT wrote, and give you a chance to comment on it. It depends on what was in the letter whether or not they'll then go away or not, they may come round a few times. You might actually end up getting some help out of it, like access to an OT or respite or an opportunity for Ben to go to certain 'days' that are held during school hols; this all depends on your county and the individual social worker and whether you feel this might be helpful or not.

I wouldn't be worried Viper, when this happened to me there were 2 social workersand a secretary taking minutes, it was very intimidating.

In your case though it says on your letter that there will only be the duty person, so there can't be that much to it.

 

And indeed, you still have access to the school nurse, when I home educated my boys, my eldest had his hearing tested via the school nurse, which was arranged via our GP.

 

And the health visitor has absolutely nothing to do with the school, she is absolutely separate and for children under the age of 5 (I don't know if that age is extended for disabled children).

[Kathryn]

Viper,

 

 

You don't have to convince us on this forum of anything - we know you are doing the best for your son and have taken this decision with his interests at heart. Don't be intimidated!

 

I have no experience of this situation but my thoughts will be with you on the day. Do you have a friend who can be with you just to give you moral support when they come?

[annie]

Viper,

 

You have done nothing wrong. You are a good mum, that's why you took the decision to HE.

 

Annie

<'> <'>

[denise2]

Viper, I agree with Carole. We home educate and I know of others who do also. This is not routine. Hopefully it will just be an offer of help, and who wouldn't welcome that, but it wouldn't hurt to know your rights with regards to home education before they come so that you are prepared.

 

Good Luck and I hope all goes well.

 

Denise 2

[Kazzen161]

Health Visitors cover all children - no age limit - generally they don't come to see you once the children are at school, but you can always ask them for help/referrals.

Mine helped me with R when he was 10.

 

Karen

[lil_me]

I'm sure when you explain what you are doing and why they'll understand as we do that you are doing your best for Ben, and whilst you are on I'd explain the mental cruelty the school put your son through, especially with the nappies issue etc and that it should be them who are investigated not yourself. Also make sure you get all the services you can whilst they are there, basically explain look this is my sistuation, I'm doing my best to help my son, what are you going to do for me ?

 

I'm sure everything will be fine, thinking of you <'>

[phasmid]

Viper, first of all do not be afraid of Social Workers, they don't breath fire and are not covered in scales (well not all of them!)

 

I agree with Carole though this is not really a SS issue. EWO maybe, but not SS. Have all your paperwork from meetings with school to hand to show why you have withdrawn him. You have the legal right to do this and the LEA have an obligation to support you in this - remember that!

 

Caroles suggestion about the HE SEN group is a very, very sound one. It shows a positive commitment on your part to EDUCATE not just keep him at home. You can access lesson plans on the DfES website - print some off and if you can, show adaptations you have made in order to suit Ben and his educational needs.

 

I suspect, and this is a personal feeling, that this is a bit of revenge for stirring things at the school. I fully expect that they will come, chat and leave you alone. That said, take the opportunity being given to ask them for help with anything you need it with, OT assesment and so on. Turn it on it's head and use it for your own purposes - repite care and so can be arranged through them. Use them.

[helenl53]

Hi Viper,

 

I would definately try and make sure you have someone with you who can take notes (even if it is in their head) about what is asked and said.

 

The school may be acting spitefully because you undermined their authority (quite rightly so) and so once you have reassured SS, then it may be the end of the matter.

 

Try and stay calm and collected.

 

Best wishes

 

Helen

[phasmid]

MEant to add that the stuff he says about HV is cr*p! they cover your children to quite a bit older than 5.

 

If this is a personal thing by the head, and you may be able to tell that from the letter, complain. You will be entitled to a copy of it don't forget!

 

You are not alone in this, how many cups of coffee can your kettle handle? All round to Vipers Tuesday!!!

[phasmid]

In fact, check the date of HT's letter. I'll bet it was written AFTER you stirred him up and then took Ben out! If they had concerns about his health and welfare prior to this they would have acted then (or should have done). If the latter is dated after you took Ben out (and I'll lay good odds it will be) then that says this is vindictive. If it is complain to the LEA about harrasment - get HIS ar*e kicked.

[Viper]

Thanks everyone for all your suport, I will be handling this on my own as DH is off to France again on Sunday. I will trt to get my friend round to give moral suport, if not my DD will be here, she is 17 and will at least be on my side.

 

The one thing I am worried about is the continence nurse who has stated to us and the school that we, as parents are "coluding" with Ben to stay in nappies, this is a health professional who is working against us. Also the head seems to have this idea that I am trying to keep Ben a baby and that is the reason he still wears nappies. This is of course stupid as Ben dosen't wear nappies at home or if we go out for a couple of hours. Besides that if I wanted to keep Ben as a baby why would I teach him to read, write,add up and take away by the time he was 4?

 

Carole I am off now to register on the HE SEN list. Thanks for the link.

 

I find time is very limited at the mo with the HE, I have been re-organising my whole house so I can make space for Ben's education stuff so I have not had time to be on here much but I will keep you up to date with what happens on Tuesday.

 

Viper.

[Viper]

Phas, thanks again for you sound advice. You are all welcome round at mine anytime, after the SW has gone crack open the wine, who needs tea?

 

Viper.

[clair]

Dont worry , I have just spent the last week worrying over nothing after recieving a letter almost the same, they came out today and just did an assessment to see that we were recieving all the help we could. If it was serious a policeman would be stood on your doorstep with the social worker the next day after they recieved the referral. The fact that they are leaving it a week means that they have more serious issues to deal with (in their eyes I mean). I wish you all the best anyway.

[Tez]

Viper,

 

Please don't worry about the Head or Nurse thinking that you're colluding to keep Ben a baby. The concerns the Head expressed about me when she reported me to SS were along similar lines - A still had a bottle(not in school but at night), he was only just out of nappies, he had no self help skills because I hadn't taught him and had encouraged him to be reliant on me, I didn't pay any attention to or consider the expert advice she gave me etc. At the time A did not have a diagnosis so I couldn't use that to back up his difficulties but SS did believe me and the matter was not pursued. As Phasmid says if there were concerns prior to you withdrawing Ben from school they should already have been expressed, the fact that they've only just been reported sounds like vindictiveness and I'm sure SS will see that.

Edited October 14, 2005 by Tez

[asereht]

Hi Viper, Try not to worry. A few years back it was suggested to me that because K was my youngest, that maybe I was trying to keep my baby! It is very upsetting to hear this when we want so much for our kids to be able to do things for themselves, but at the same time don't want to push them too far too soon if we think they will not cope.

 

Why Oh Why do we have to spend our whole lives defending ourselves over everything we do for our kids. It's so unfair! Let us know how you get on .Take care.

 

Theresa <'> <'>

[mossgrove]

Viper

 

Try not to worry too much, but I do know that is easier said than done!

 

We were threated with a SS referall by our maistream school when we trefused to send H for mornings as well as afternoons (He couldn'e even cope with afternoons).He is now at special school and doing well.

 

I think it was because they saw it as parental refusal to send our child to school full time and as such it came under the new anti-truancy rules where parents can be threatened fined and even jailed if they don't send their children to school. They were also upset that we didn't follow their recommendations (based around their notion that H had no issues at all in school!), and even more upset that H's 'persistent abscences' might stop them reaching their attendance target set by the LEA.

 

I believe that the letter was written but heard on the grapvine that SS had made a few phone calls and decided not to visit at all on the grounds we were plainly doing everything possible to get our child into education.

 

I am sure your former heads letter has as much to do with her nose being pout of joint thatn it does with genuine concern. I am sure SS will realise very quickly that they have no need to get more involved, if they didn't think that was likely or they would have sent more than one person. But they do need to be seen to have followed the letter up.

 

Ironically enough, some pople spend years trying to get SS involved, if you do feel you need SS support for anything, this is a good time to ask.

 

Simon

[Hectorshouse]

Viper ... been here as well and got the T-shirt.

 

I've had SENCO's make us go through re-dx, call me a refrigerator mum, insist that it was my parenting etc ...

 

I have copies of reports written by TA's about things that T has said at school, apparently I am drunk and abusive mother ...

 

This all stems from my birthday when I came to school after my b/day lunch and god forbid and couple of glasses of wine with it, and T had kindly informed them that I had 'whacked' him ... his words not mine ... the reality is I had the night before during one of his meltdowns put my own arms up to protect myself as he launched himself at me with full gusto and had caught him with my wrist ... should've seen my bruises and teeth marks ... but hey I'm such a bad mummy!

 

SS's have to look into any query raised like this, but try to be relieved that they saw no reason to take any action. My SW did this and then came to see to reassure me, as I was frantic that I would lose T on the grounds of some vindictive SENCO witch!!!

 

Keep strong, and remember your not alone ... this kind of thing makes my blood boil, and reminds me of Debbie Storey's extremely sad situation that ended so disastrously.

 

HHxx

[alibaly]

Perhaps you could tell them you intend to use the home ed to cover the toileting aspect of things , tell them its going to be a lengthy process involving continuity, maybe trips to the loo every 15 minutes and that its not going to happen if he's at school.

 

If you don't fancy saying that then perhaps you could dig something up on the net that shows many of our children just never manage toilet training.

 

hth

[Malika]

Hi Viper,

 

Please do not worry I am sure it is just routine and if you do have some difficulties you may get some voucher for respite care.

What I have been told recently is after endless report about the little girl "Victoria" who has been killed nearly under the nose of the SS they have come out with more rules and various way to check and make sure the child is well care for and I am sure they won't have any doubt about this.

In our borough they were trying to establish a questionaire to understand the needs of the child sibling and parents giving points to eventually give some form of help, as far as I know it is just to give help and support, do not forget that they have the duty to work with the parents not against them.

I am sure it is because with the new raccomendations they have to do it and they will be very happy to turn their back with a "you are coping very well under the circontances" and close the file. it may be that they will come back after few months as raccomended... do not worry about it they have far too many complex cases in their hands.

What they checked with me years ago was cloth bedding cleanliness (doesn't have to be spotless) asking what kind of punishment when children misbehave (taking of treat will do) they probably interview the child concerne if they can and ask question about school and your reason ect...

 

One thing is sure if you need help don't miss the oportunity.

Take care best of luck.

 

Malika

[elaine1]

yes i would think it is routine, after all there is noone to keep an eye on his welfare, now he isnt at school. i dont think anyone is accusing you of neglect.

the term social services covers a wide area, but ppl automatically think it means child abuse.

[alibaly]

How did it go?

 

Well, I hope

[Viper]

Hi all good to have you back.

 

The SS visit is over, I spent the best part of two days tidying, cleaning and sprucing the house to within an inch of it's life I even had a stew cooking on the stove when she arrived. My eldest DD asked if I had a pinny to put on talk about stepford wives. I even changed Ben from a long sleeve top into a T shirt so she didn't think I was hiding bruises.

 

When she arrived we looked like the perfect family. She asked if I knew why she was here and when I said no, she said "I don't know either, from what I can see from the notes, you have every organisation and all the help you need already in place. I wish every parent was like you, most want us to do it all for them.

She told me the head had said Ben was not getting any social interaction with his peers and he was isolated at home with me. I pointed out that he had three sisters who had friends round all the time and he goes to golf with his peers every saturday as well as having some friends in our street, and I have his name down for Beavers.

 

She was very nice and very interested in Aspergers syndrome, asking about his obsessions and if they change. I made sure she knew all about the way the school had treated us and that I thought the only reson for the "referal" was sour grapes and she agreed.

 

The outcome was that she is going to contact my health visitor (who she knows well and has been of such great help to me) and find out where we now stand with regards to school nurse etc. and that is it.

 

She said thank you and said I have a lovely family and she was gone.

 

I am so glad it's over and have proved there is no problem but I feel bitter that there will be a referal on Bens records for the rest of his life, I bet if he has any accidents and has to go to hospital in the future the SS will be on my doorstep the next day. I think you could call it deformation of character in legal terms.

 

Viper.

[phasmid]

It's done!

 

Hang on to that thought. With a bit of luck (and some common sense) she will go back and write her report up to reflect exactly what she said to aboout the referal - in fact request a copy of the report. Did you get to see the heads letter? If so did you check the date? If it was post withdrawal from school I'd say that would be enough to complain to the LEA about harassment. Yes the school have a duty of care to report any suspicions - but in this case why wait till he'd left the school? Nah, it stinks!

 

<'> Tomorrow is Wednesday and today will be behind you. <'>

[Viper]

Hi Phas.

There was no leter from the head, she phoned them on Monday last week, after I had been to see her at her request.

 

I am seriously thinking about taking this whole sordid farce further with a view to getting the referal wiped off Ben' records. The social worker seemed stuned that she was here and even asked me if I wondred why she had been sent or if I had any idea what it was all about. I think I could have a good case against the school or at least the head.

 

Viper.

[Viper]

Just remembered, another thing the head told them was that Ben wets his bed. This is something she asked me about on Monday and I told her that before he started school he was dry at night but I had put him back in nappies at night b/c of the stress he was going through. I pointed out to the SW that a lot of children are wearing nappies at night at 5 and even more wet their bed when they start school, and she agreed. what seemed funny at the time was the head seemed quite triumphant and jumped on the information like a tiger on a rabbit, I can't understand why she felt it so significant.

 

Viper.

[oracle]

Hi Viper

 

So glad that it has come and gone and looks like being a distant memory. I think that I would probably do something about this head if I were you. She sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

 

Carole

[Malika]

Hi Viper

 

good that it is over don't worry about the future as the most important will be the SS report you should receive a copy if they decide for no further action they should close the file, may be thay contact u again after 6 months or a year.

 

Not all the accidents are refere back to SS there are criteria, beside you have not been accused of abused but just to prevent your child socialising that is the trick from people who refuse to understand ASD children and try to find a social cause to it.

After theEP had seen my son because I had dare to request a statutory assesment she wrote in her report that my son had pb socialising because he is not 15 mn in advance on the playgroud every morning to allow him social interaction even the senco thought it was complete rubish especialy knowing the difficulties I had to get him to school in time.

About the head well some professional seems to forget why they get a wage for and take things personnaly when criticised you could make a complain but I am not sure it is worth the stress

 

All the best.

 

Malika.

[elainem]

Hi Viper,

 

really pleased for you that it's all over. I know you must be furious about the head but I was thinking the same as Malika, do you think it is worth the stress complaining about the head. Just a thought, but I know sometimes you have to pull back and choose your battles.

 

Best wishes with whatever you decide.

 

Elaine x

[Tez]

I'm really pleased that it all went well for you.

[lil_me]

Knew you had nothing to be concerned about, I would request a written report (as usually the referals can not be removed from record) stating how she was happy with you, and your family and that you are doing the best you can for Ben, and when she sends this forward a copy to the HT with a wooden spoon attatched

[mossgrove]

Viper

 

I'm glad the Social Worker has seen sense.

 

She probaly has more than enough on her plate with other really demanding cases, it was probably quite nice for her to sit and have a cup of tea with a parent who was so plainly doing an excellent job.

 

Simon

[Kathryn]

Hi Viper,

 

Glad it went Ok and that the SW was nice. I wouldn't worry about the referral being on Ben's records as long as the information is accurate. Being known to them may even come in useful if you ever need any help from them in the future. (Not that we have received much support from ours. )

 

K