curra Report post Posted January 27, 2006 This is just too hard to believe. My son has been harassed and threatened by a parent on the street today! The reason is not clear at all to me. My son has been teased, provoked and even attacked by other boys for some time and even kicked him one day on the way to school. He tries to be brave so there was some kind of a row between my son and them who accused him of scratching their faces. Today the father of one of those boys was waiting for him on a narrow lane and theratened him to "grab him by the arm and take hime personally to the police". Who gives him the right to do this? He hasn't even contacted me first! According to my son, he didn't scratch anyone and they are lying... I have a meeting next week with the head and senco. I'd be very grateful for your opinions and advice. I apologise for not posting very often but I have almost not a minute for anything since I started to work. <'> Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Report this matter to the police now! Even if it is just to make them aware that something has occured. How old is your son? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Curra <'> That's just awful I'm afraid I don't know the best thing to do in a situation like this... Just wanted to send some <'> and I'm sure someone who does know will be along soon. Bid <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Totally agree with Phasmid here get on to the Police now! This guy can not be allowed to get away with this, even if he is aware that your son has autism? If he does know then he needs a beating times 2. Adults have no right to threaten any child especially a child with a disability. A visit from the Police should help him to understand this and I would not feel in the slightest bit guilty about it. He did not appear to care what your son was feeling when he terrified him. Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Totally shocked.......did anyone witness the supposed scratching of the face incident...or this parent attacking your son?.........I think I would definitely contact the police and bring it to the attention of the school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Witnesses - police involvement now No witnesses - you may just have to confront the parent yourself. If it happened outside school grounds I don't really think they can be involved but you may be able to find out from HT what happened - if anything did get reported. What is it with these people huh? Daisy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 I'd have to disagree Daisy. God forbid there is a follow up to this incident they will treat that as a 'first occasion/offence' when it isn't. Tell them now even if there are no witnesses. That way they are 'aware' should anything else happen, which I sincerely hope it doesn't. They may not want to take it further anyway but they MUST be told. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted January 27, 2006 My son is terrified of the police and begs me not to inform them. Maybe he did get involved in a fight with the other boys and that's why he fears that he will be arrested. He is clearly afraid by what this bully told him. I've got this man's name. Obviously the school will take no responsibility but I will complain about the way they have handled the whole thing. The head has believed the other boys every time there has been a problem and now this is the result! THank you all for your replies <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Curra <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Curra, I have to agree with Phasmid. The incident needs to go 'on record'. An adult threatening a child like that is unacceptable. Please tell the Head the latest development as well. He needs to be told it's no longer a case of the 'kids being kids' thing that he has wanted to believe. Annie <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Curra, I speak from experience here. Phas jr was once badly assaulted by other children. It was nasty and unprovoked and NOT a first occasion either. On this occasion he came home from school very distressed it took us a little while to calm him down and find out what happened. I really, and I mean really, wanted to make this kid feel what he had made my son feel. I went out for a smoke and a stomp around the green at the front of the house. I took some very deep breaths and went back in and explained to phas jr the important reasons why we HAD to tell the police. It took a little while but he accepted it. Mt wife phoned them and explained everything, including dx, we went down a few hours later with a very shaken up phas jr. They were fantastic, really calm and patient with him. The upshot was the kid got a caution (and excluded from school). A few things to ponder: Phas jr was petrified of the police, thought he would be arrested etc I had to show him that people (kids or adults) would NOT be allowed to do this to him and that no matter what or who I would not stand by and do nothing. I would protect him to the utmost of my abilities. He had to know the police could help him do this. The child concerned had to be made to stop. I had to send a message to my sons bullies that they would NOT get away with it. This 'adult' needs to think very carefuly about his actions, you confronting him only puts you at risk, doing nothing simply allows him to think he can bully your son the way his son does, his son will think it gives him the green light to carry on. Please consider reporting this matter to them. You can explain to them your sons fears and ask them to take that into account. Don't rely on the school even wanting to know, a pupil off premises is one thing a parent is another, I doubt the duty of care will stretch that far. Talk it through with your son and explain what will happen if you report it. If he really doesn't want to then your hands are tied....but.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Phasmid, I agree with you and I would have done the same. In this case though I'm not so sure about reporting this to the police. It could be that my son did cause a scratch on the other kid's face (he says he didn't but he may be lying out of fear) and though it was in self defense and after a long time of bullying, it's the other boy who's got the marks and not my son. It could be his word against my son's, and he's got more "evidence". I wouldn't like to see my son in court if this man presses charges against him. <'> Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted January 28, 2006 How old is your son? He's 12, no statement. C. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Phasmid, I agree with you and I would have done the same. In this case though I'm not so sure about reporting this to the police. It could be that my son did cause a scratch on the other kid's face (he says he didn't but he may be lying out of fear) and though it was in self defense and after a long time of bullying, it's the other boy who's got the marks and not my son. It could be his word against my son's, and he's got more "evidence". I wouldn't like to see my son in court if this man presses charges against him. <'> Curra Curra, Even if your son did do something to the boy, it doesn't justify this man's actions. If the incident is at least logged with the police, the evidence will be there, should you need it, if there are any other incidents (hopefully not) and it will pre - empt any action on this man's part if you go to the police first. They may not do anything, although thinking back to our experience with police involvement, my daughter and bullies, I think the police can give a warning (less formal than a caution), which may be enough to prevent this man from threatening your son again. K Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tensing Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Report this matter to the police now! Even if it is just to make them aware that something has occured. How old is your son? Yes that would be my action too, and a letter to school, not they can do much. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lindy-lou Report post Posted January 28, 2006 good grief what a disgusting man,i would go to the police too,how dare he do that to any child Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Curra, how are things today? Have you managed to talk to your son and got his version of what led to the parent 'talking' to him yesterday? As your son is 12 the law says he is criminaly responsible for his actions (Yes, I know!). Therefore this parent could have taken the 'police route' as well in that case but decided not to - they don't like that attitude I can promise you! Even if your son did scratch the other childs face it does not give this man the go-ahead to take the law into his own hands. Please consider the implications of not reporting the matter...what message is this sending the father and his son, what message is it sending the son's friends? It's your son and you know best at the end of the day, you do whats best for your situaution. I hope he's ok. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Curra even if your son has scratched this boys face , it does not excuse this parents behaviour.The Police will understand this, this is a very difficult situation involving a child with a social and communication disability, don,t let the bullies and their dads get away with this.You need to report the incident , at least get advice from the police and talk to them.This whole problem could escalate out of all proportion.The very best Suzex. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted January 28, 2006 If you can't go to the Police then at least make sure this Dad finds out that you know what has happened. We have a speech therapist in our Authority who has acted as a go-between between parents and the police. Is there anyone who could do this for you. If you do nothing then this guy will think that he can do what he likes to your son and next time he might just do that. Sorry I know that this probably sound pretty OTT but then there are some pretty OTT people out there. Having got away with scaring your son once he may well decided to try it again. Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ray Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Hi Curra, sorry, bit late on this one. My lad is 17 and I've lost count of the number of times that I've wanted to personally 'intervene' on his behalf and make another kid pay for how he made Alex feel, and I've come close. But what separates us from those parents who do step over that line are many things, a sense of whats right and wrong, a need to teach our children how to act in such situations, and probably a degree of intelligence, decency, and common sense that those other parents lack when scaring and intimidating young children. What I'm trying to say is that I understand the strength it took not go after this prat, and you did the right thing. But I do agree with others in that you should seriously consider contacting the police. This bloke needs to know what he did is is totally unacceptable, even if there were no witnesses, the police should give credence to your son's account, and it may help him understand that sometimes they can work to help protect those in society who need protecting - that is, children who are out on their own. Anyway, I'm sure you'll make the right decision - you know whats best for your lad and your family. Ray Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Have to agree with everyone who says report this to the police. He's only 12. Even IF he did scratch another lad's face, this parent had absolutely NO right what so ever to so much as lay a finger on your son. If it was my son I'd have to involve the police just to stop me from doing something I'd possibly regret to the man who grabbed him! You must report this, regardless of who did what to whom. You must be frantic. <'> Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Hi everyone, I did go to the police today! - and my son went with me. I agreed first with him that we would not press charges but only have the incident logged in in case this man thinks that he can also go to the police. My son was fine but annoyed with me(!) because I was stammering and not very articulate... The PC was very friendly and he wanted to know the man's name but he understood that I did not want my son to be involved in an incident that could end in court. My son has been more obsessive than usual talking and talking about his topic (the Civil War...) even when we were crossing the street and he seemed to be walking in a rather odd way. Do AS children tend to experience more these things when they are stressed? He has also been rather aggressive - I mean just having aggressive thoughts and bad temper. This morning I also wrote a long letter to the headteacher with the details of what happened. I will have a meeting with them next week and I'm already nervous! I'm trying to see whether I can find someone from the NAS to come with me because my son has no statement and the school is handling the issue as if he were an NT child, and he's got not a chance that way. Thank you all for advising me to go to the police. It sent a good message to my son, and that's the main thing for me. <'> Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Well done to both of you. As I said I have been through this and know how hard it must have been for you, I would imagine you felt awful dragging him somewhere he did not want to go to talk about something I'm sure he'd rather not have occured in the first place. But you did it! Should anything else happen this incident is now recorded and will be taken into account. Don't forget to tell the school the police were informed. That might make them take things a bit more seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Well done Curra you did the right thing.I would definitely take someone with you to see the school next week..Are there any other pupils or friends of your son who can add credence to the fact that these boys have been bullying your son.His school need to protect him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Well done both of you . I know how hard it is deciding whether to go to the police because we've be through it too. The word 'police' usually scares people. Have you contacted Parent Partnership to see if they could come to the meeting with you? Let us know how it goes. Annie <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kirstie Report post Posted January 28, 2006 Well done Curra, <'> I was rageing when i read this. How dare that man hang around and wait for your son then threaten him! You just can't do that sort of thing. He is only 12 and i bet the wee soul was terrified. Rotten git. Will the police talk to him? I don't think i would've been able to stop myself going round there hammering his door down and screaming (PMT STYLE!) right in his face if he ever came near my child again i'd do something he would regret! Does this parent know of your sons dx? It's even worse if he does and absoloutley outrageous either way. Your boy was brave to go to the Police with you. I hope he is Ok and feeling a bit less stressed. It's hard enough at the best of times getting our kids to go to school without this sort of thing happening to them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted January 28, 2006 You were both very brave and certainly did the right thing here. People like that guy need firmly putting in their place. Please keep us update <'> Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ray Report post Posted January 29, 2006 Remember the (low down, yellow dog of a) coward in all this is the other bloke - anyone with any real strength of character would have communicated on a parent to parent basis rather than lay in wait for a child. What you did in going to the police took enormous courage - well done to both of you. And, yes, my lad when he is stressed or anxious becomes more AS in his traits, more angry, more easily frustrated by little things, can return to old obsessions, just talks about his single subject interests. Its one of the ways we can tell something has happened to upset him. Ray Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
niki Report post Posted January 30, 2006 OMG! curra hun you did the right thing and in my head i am giving this "man" a taste of his own medicine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted January 30, 2006 Well done Curra - glad to hear the police were so helpful. Has the school got it on record too? And yes....I find my AS son's autism is more pronounced, especially the aggression, when he is stressed. Daisy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted February 1, 2006 Hi Everyone, Well here's the update to this thread. Had a big meeting today at the school and they agreed with me that this parent's behaviour was unacceptable but of course they wash their hands as it happened outside the school. The good thing about the meeting is that they are going to offer more support to my son although it's unlikely that he will get a statement . I accepted their evidence of my son's bad conduct since he also admitted it, but I insisted that they have to understand where all this is coming from and be flexible with him which I think they did somehow. Somebody suggested during the meeting that I write a letter to the parent in question saying that my son has a disability and that he meant no harm but I don't think that I can do it, at least not just now. I'm still too upset by it. Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted February 1, 2006 Curra <'> <'> I wouldn't be writing the parent a letter either. For starter's, he doesn't exactly sound like he'll be the patient, understanding type, does he? You've reported the matter to the police, that's it. Why would you want to aggrevate matters? I't baffles me . How is it, the school are washing their hands of what the parent did, then suggesting you write a letter to them in the same meeting.......... Annie <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted February 1, 2006 curra,im very late on this,sorry,well done for going to the police it must have been very daunting,obviously the parent(could call him worse but im a polite girl!)knew he was wrong otherwise he wouldnt have waited in a narrow lane for your son,he would have knocked on your door in the open,he is a bully like his son,let us know how you get on,hope your son is ok Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
