AS Parents

[Gilbo]

Heres a question to anyone who uses the forum and has AS.

 

Would you ever consider bringing a child into the world, or is the prospect of a potentially AS child to harsh a reality?

 

And how do your experiences with AS affect your desicion?

 

Do you think that AS is to cruel a fate to inflict on a child, or would it be worth it?

 

 

BTW im 14 so obviously im not looking for advice here, im just intrested in what you have to say.

[elaine1]

In my case i would say yes i would do it again without hesitation

[willbo book]

i have to say most AS people go on to become doctors and jobs like that

becuse they Obssesion and they focus one that and become very good at doing wat ever it is

I.E mine is playing guitar in the style of AC/DC and Led Zeppelin

 

and gilbo i am 14 too

[Gilbo]

i have to say most AS people go on to become doctors and jobs like that

becuse they Obssesion and they focus one that and become very good at doing wat ever it is

I.E mine is playing guitar in the style of AC/DC and Led Zeppelin

 

and gilbo i am 14 too

 

Well yeah i kinda already knew that...................

 

But think about the stress that having an AS kid could cause a family, do you think that would be worth it?

 

That's the question of the thread not saying the answer should be yes or no.

[madme]

As much as I love my son and given that there ate also questions about my 5 year old daughter i have to admit that although we wanted a third child Im too scared. Its probably because I have friends who have children from both ends of the spectrum. One has had genetic counselling and decided agaisnt a third child. My son has Aspergers.

[nellie]

Gilbo,

 

I don't have AS but just wanted to say that I'm glad both my sons are on the spectrum, they rock!! My AS husband rocks too!

 

Nellie xx

[Bullet]

I am as sure as I can be that I have Aspergers - or something that is very similar. This is based on my feelings, my obessions, my way of looking at things, the way I interact with people in real life and several traits connected to my motor skills and odd things I do. Also a couple of paediatricians wanted me assessed and I do know I come across as a bit strange and reserved by other people. But do you know what? I do not see myself as being inferior, or having some terrible disease. I see myself as different, lacking in common sense and tending to get too distracted by things, for example, but I'm me, I'm who I am and I don't want to change me. It's hard sometimes when I'm talking to someone and I can't make eye contact, or there's someone standing too close to me and I feel myself getting uptight and telling myself to calm down. It can be difficult when I stumble into someone, or steer the children's buggy almost onto the pavement. And it's not easy when I feel myself getting panicky inside because there's too many people, or too much stuff to see, or too much noise coming from all directions which means I go very quiet and sometimes quite snappy. But at the same time I save money because I have no comprehension of needing the latest cd, or clothes, or getting on the property ladder just to keep up with the Joneses. I mean, I'd love a house, but not going to bankrupt myself to do it.

Edited February 17, 2006 by Bullet

[justamom]

Would not change a thing!!! Love him unconditionally!!! warts and all

[Gilbo]

Id be quite intrested in hearing Auriels thoughts on this.

[Auriel]

I could never love a child with warts

 

Actually i dont want to be an AS parent, because that would involve small children and small children are 9 times out of 10 not good

Edited February 17, 2006 by Auriel

[LizK]

My DH has AS traits, much more prominent when he was a child by the sounds of it. My eldest son has HFA. In some respects my DH can relate to him far better than I can and by reflecting back on his own experiences as a child can understand more the difficulties our son might experience. I think it has helped him bond with him better than with our NT son actually. In other ways it causes conflict as my H can be quite rigid about things especially if stressed or tired and this leads to tension between him and DS. Although he understands DS behaviour better than me he finds it harder to manage his behaviour as he is less flexible. I think though as parents we generally have a good balance though.

 

We are pondering having a third child but the prospect of a second child affected by ASD is something we are having to consider. Not that having a child affected by ASD is such a dreadful thing but more that would we as family cope bearing in mind we have one child with SNs who needs time and attention. Also would our middle NT (I think!) son get pushed out if he had two siblings with ASD taking up our time? I don't regret though for one minute regret having my eldest son though just as he is. I think we are very lucky to have him

 

Lx

[willbo book]

i found out that i had AS about 3 years ago and there has always been stress with the famliy that was down to me but now i'm 14 it has got less and less since i have matured but the stress started when i was about 4 i.e when i started school so the question is if u want to go through the 10 years of stress then its your choice but if the AS kid is a only child i would of though the stress would not be as bad

[Gilbo]

i found out that i had AS about 3 years ago and there has always been stress with the famliy that was down to me but now i'm 14 it has got less and less since i have matured but the stress started when i was about 4 i.e when i started school so the question is if u want to go through the 10 years of stress then its your choice but if the AS kid is a only child i would of though the stress would not be as bad

 

AS, is a massive spectrum and situations and capabilites very in it.

 

Not every AS child goes through 10 years of stress.

[Auriel]

Yes really it depends on how old they are i mean a 14 year old may have 10 years but a 25 year old would have had more you see.

[willbo book]

yes but the stress is going away now theres hardly any stress now

[Gilbo]

yes but the stress is going away now theres hardly any stress now

 

With all due respect to you, your only one example of AS, you shouldunt generalise AS as, situations will very a lot.

[Auriel]

because you would never wait mustn say that

 

But

 

Yes stress is bad and i htink that is the general agreement of the forum and it may/may not go away when your fourteen

[jen]

My son would be different wihout ASD. Therefore, part of his ASD makes him the special person who we love. Hence we would try for another child.

 

Yesterday we met a man who use to look after my son. My son had attended the playgroup 6 years ago. Even then my son must of stood out for this man to remember him. So parts of ASD are good other parts are frustrating but the most difficult part of being a parent with a child with ASD is fighting for there Education and what they deserve so they can be happy.

 

Jen

[Gilbo]

I have AS and have had terrible periods of stress in the late 1990's and mid 2000's but i think its a lot better now, which is a good sing.

 

I dont think i would have a child due to being AS, i have seen first hand how it effects a family both good and bad and its not something I want to risk.

[Gilbo]

To clarify mid 2000's may be a bit of as i mean 2002 - 2004 although i class 2004 as mid.

[Auriel]

i would class 2004-2006 as mid

 

anything before early

 

andything after late

[Gilbo]

Same here but it peaked in 2004 when i was between schools.

 

Thats the other thing, id hate to be in my parents position at the time with a child between schools with no clear immediate future.

 

Personally I like change, but its a part of life and lots of people on the ASD spectrum hate it, id hate to go through bad reactions to change.

[lil_me]

If my ASD son didn't hate babies I'd have a house full, suppose that answers the question really, ASD, NT whatever, I love him to bits

[lotty]

Hi, I come from a large family, my grandad had aspergers, my mum has, my cousins, my brothers 4 of them, have it, my dad doesnt, I do and my partner does, i have three boys and they do, so i never new any different i was brought up as one, amongst them, i became friends with people like me, my kids are amazing, we only all recently and independantly went through diagnosis, my mother as well,

we are all bright and there are teachers in my family we have all been to university and are gifted and talented a bit wierd or excentric perhaps. I wouldnt change any of my family and i would not choose to be normal? if i could be. i would have more children if i hadnt had a bad third pregnancy, and i dont see the extra care i have to give to everyone especially the night times as being a drag or a problem, and also my kids are happy they love life and its brilliant, having kids was the best move ever.. sorry for rambling but its true

Edited February 17, 2006 by lotty

[Flora]

I could never love a child with warts

 

Auriel, I don't know if that statement was meant to be funny or not... BUT you've given me the best laugh I've had in ages

 

Thank You so very very much!

 

Lauren

 

 

still laffin!

[bid]

Auriel, Gilbo and Wilbo...

 

Can I turn the original question back to you guys?

 

How would you feel if it turned out that one of your parents had AS too?

 

Bid

[baddad]

hi guys -

 

First thing i'd say is that I don't think any of us would chose to have or not have kids with AS in mind... Kids either come about because you want them and plan them, or because you find ones on the way and then want one and plan FOR them... In either situatioon, the decision is made and what comes out 9 months later is what you get...

While it may be that your own experiences colour how you feel about having kids generally, I don't think As (or any other condition) enters into it. NO ONE as/asd/nt or whatever, knows what bringing up children (of any 'type') is like until they're actually doing it, and some are 'lucky' and get easy kids (NT OR OTHERWISE!!) while others get slightly more complex deliveries! as Forrest Gump would say - 'Lifes like a chocolate box'... My guess is, if you like 'chocolate' you go for it, and worry about the centre once you've made your choice...

 

L&P

BD

[Gilbo]

Auriel, Gilbo and Wilbo...

 

Can I turn the original question back to you guys?

 

How would you feel if it turned out that one of your parents had AS too?

 

Bid

 

Sure, I wouldunt want to have a child because of my experiences with AS, im not a hugely independant person though I think I will be able to be once I leave school, but AS maybe a scapegoat for some of the problems I have encountered, which I may have begun to believe, so im not really completley sure at this juncture.

Edited February 18, 2006 by Gilbo

[Auriel]

Sure, I wouldunt want to have a child because of my experiences with AS, im not a hugely independant person though I think I will be able to be once I leave school, but AS maybe a scapegoat for some of the problems I have encountered, which I may have begun to believe, so im not really completley sure at this juncture.

 

I dont know what i would do if one of my parents has AS

 

[adamsmum]

Im being tested for AS i have 4 boys 2 on the spectrum. Im now having baby number 5. I love all my boys and thay all have somthing to offer to the rest of society so i would not chang things at all. Eny one can have a SN child so so having AS dosent change things.

[Canopus]

The situation has completely changed for the better since the days when I was a kid. If parents here are having a hard time because their kid has AS then they should thank their lucky stars they weren't trying to bring up a kid with AS in the 1980s. Even the 14 year olds here have no idea what it was like to be a kid of the 80s with AS because they weren't around back then, but I can assure you it was a misery.

 

AS is now an officially recognised medical condition whereas it was completely unknown in 1980s in the English speaking world. Life for a kid with a hidden disability that doctors, teachers, and educational psychologists knew nothing about was sheer hell, and problems resulting from AS were all put down to bad behaviour or bad parenting. Parents would get stressed out badly as well because none of the professionals had an answer or an explanation what was wrong with their kid, and teachers would constantly punish and sanction them for their behaviour at school. To make matters worse the internet didn't exist until 1995 so a parent of a kid with AS would almost certainly be on their own and think their kid's problems were unique to them. They would have no idea that there were other kids with similar problems to their own because discussion forums like this were something of the future.

 

Services for kids with AS still leave a lot to be desired but at least the condition is now recognised. Therefore a parent of a kid with AS will have someone who could be better described as different to NT kids rather than problem child.

[Kerre]

I am 14 too and I'd say the answer is definitely no, I will not have a child, AS or not. I wouldn't be able to cope at all and I'd prefer to have lots of animals.

[adamsmum]

I started school in 83. It was hell. I remember a techer slaping me as she thout i was rude. i never thout to tell my mum but i never understood why at the time The teachers labeld me lazy rude and unfreandly it was hell. I think i spent more time being punished then i did being tout

[DaisyFulkirk]

I have HFA. I have got to say that I think that the thing that makes me not so likely to have children is how hard I find it to make and keep relationships rather than any kind of actual decision, but.. in principle, I would not be stopped from having a baby by the possibility that it could inherit my autism. I know I'd need quite a lot of help to look after a child, but that's OK, I have Personal Assistant help for 2 hours every day anyway to make it so I can live independantly, maybe I would need more than 2 hours if there was a baby to look after but I know that it would be possible to do. I might need a LOT of help if I ended up the mum of a child who was bigger and stronger than me because I am not very tall and I have another disability that makes my legs sore and makes it hard to walk or stand up for a long time, but I know other disabled parents of disabled children, I know that it is possible for people to do it.

 

My life as an Autistic person is very good, I don't have lots of friends but I do have some friends, I live somewhere that's right for me (although it would be even better if I didn't have to have an upstairs neighbour), I'm doing my degree and really having a good time there, I learnt to drive this summer and thats made a lot of things better because I really didn't like going on the bus with lots of other people. I don't think it would be 'cruel' to have a child who might be as disabled as me, or more disabled, because I know that he or she could also have a good life. I don't think it's bad to be autistic. There are bad things in my life too but they're more about noisy neighbours or too much coursework or lazy Personal Assistants than they are about autism.

 

I'd really like to be a Mum one day, its just the men part of the equation thats a problem! When I am older and I have finished my degree I might apply to be a foster parent to children, if Social Services will let me. They probably won't, but I am going to find out rather than just assuming that they won't - maybe in return they will find out if I can be a parent rather than assuming that I can't!

[Bullet]

Canopus's description of growing up in the eighties is a very strong and harsh reminder for me. People could see there was something different about me, but because I manifested my stress and fears by becoming very quiet and withdrawn at school and blowing up at home, things weren't picked up on. Or rather, they were, but mum in particular refused to get me assessed because she didn't want me in a special school. She felt I'd be fine as I was bright. I have been very fortunate to meet a wonderful man and get married, but I did not meet him through the traditional dating scenes, we were friends first. He is also very reserved which is one reason I feel very comfortable with him. But I am hopeless in real life with interpersonal relationships (platonic).

As a child I could not express my feelings verbally, so kept things hidden. I remember crying once in class and the teacher asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell him and he left it, but if he had known anything about me he'd have asked me to write it down. I was always far more forthcoming when writing.

I had poor co-ordination and struggled with fine motor and some gross motor skills. So I was called clumsy. And easily distracted. And reserved. And standoffish and stuckup. Because labelling a child with a disorder or different way of looking at things was unacceptable. But letting her grow up thinking she was useless, yep, that's ok (insert sarcastic smilie)

In terms of me having my children, I actually found that my need for strict routines fitted in very nicely. I have them both having a set bedtime routine and now set bedtimes even for the baby. Ds1 has set mealtimes and Ds2 has set feed times (but I did stagger those on when he was hungry and then gradually got them to the set times). I can have them washed, brushed and dressed pretty quickly. I' rarely forget to bring things they need when they go out because I will say to myself "they need this, that and the other"). I have very strong boundaries and discipline and though I have never smacked, I rarely cave in if I've said "no" to Ds1.

Edited February 18, 2006 by Bullet

[TuX]

I am 14 too and I'd say the answer is definitely no, I will not have a child, AS or not. I wouldn't be able to cope at all and I'd prefer to have lots of animals.

I like the way you think!

[Gilbo]

the internet didn't exist until 1995

 

It was invented in 1989, actually.

[Auriel]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet

 

The first TCP/IP wide area network was operational by January 1, 1983 (this is technically the birth of the Internet), when the United States' National Science Foundation (NSF) constructed a university network backbone that would later become the NSFNet

Edited February 18, 2006 by Auriel

[Canopus]

The original DARPANET was created in 1969. The term internet was coined in 1989 for what was then known as ARPANET. The modern day internet available to the general public came into existance in 1995. There is also a collection of discussion forums known as USENET that was created in 1981 and still exists today although use has declined badly since the late 1990s.

[Auriel]

Yes 1989